Pathological liars often tell lies that seem pointless.
If we look closer, their lies are often motivated by internal needs.
Many pathological liars tell lies because they ultimately want attention from others.
I’ve asked hundreds of people if they have ever known a pathological liar. The vast majority have said yes. One of the themes that regularly emerges when people discuss encounters with pathological liars is that they seem to lie for no reason at all. That is, their lies seem to be completely pointless and serve no purpose. I suspect this might not be true.
Pathological Lying Cases
My colleague Drew Curtis and I have studied pathological lying very intensively for many years and this recurrent theme of pointless lying bears out not only in the anecdotal accounts we record but also in the historical records of pathological liars from over a century ago.
In one record of pathological lying dating back to the early 1900s, the psychiatrist, William Healy, wrote of a young patient, “During all our acquaintance with Adolf we have known his word to be absolutely untrustworthy. Many times he has descended upon his friends with quite unnecessary stories, leading to nothing but a lowering of their opinion of him. Repeatedly his concoctions have been without ascertainable purpose.”
Almost 100 years later, psychologist Cheryl Birch wrote of a young female pathological liar, “First, it is clear that her lying was never initiated for any of the most common external motives. Her lies were not altruistic, white lies, and she did not lie to obtain money, sex, or a higher title (power) in her external environment.”
The clear suggestion in both cases was that pathological lying was entirely unreasonable. The lies were pointless and irrational. They were pathological.
In a more recent study that I conducted with my colleague Renee Beach, we asked 251 people if they had ever met or known someone who they considered to be a pathological liar. Over 91 percent of people answered yes.
When we asked them what proportion of the lies seemed to be told for no apparent reason or motive, our participants estimated 49 percent. Taken together, there seems to be a fair amount of consensus that pathological liars tell lies that in great measure seem to be purposeless.
Motivations for Pathological Liars
However, it is important to consider that an inability to identify rational motives for a lie does not necessarily mean that the liar had no motivation for their dishonesty. The fact that an outside observer sees no reason for an action does not mean that reasons are absent. After all, many of our fundamental motivations in life are internal states that cannot be detected by the outside observer. For instance, the psychiatrist Charles Ford argued that a warped need for self-esteem may drive some people to lie pathologically.
I agree with Ford. I believe that pathological liars usually do have purposes for their lies. After all, people rarely do anything for no reason at all. Even if one is not consciously aware of the triggers for their behaviour, a trigger must exist. No effect is without a cause.
However, the reasons for pathological lies are likely foreign to most of us. Most of us can usually get what we want without having to resort to lying. It may be that pathological liars want many of the same things you and I want such as connection, love, and a sense of value, but they haven’t figured out an honest way to get them.
Attention
In our book Pathological Lying, Curtis and I argue that pathological liars are often lying for attention. Most people desire attention, and they have perfectly honest ways of getting it. They behave and present themselves in such ways that the desired attention naturally comes their way.
When people cannot get the attention they desire, they sometimes go to extremes. They engage in provocative behaviors, outlandish presentations, absurd antics, or even put themselves in danger to have people simply pay attention to them. Many pathological liars seem to tell untruths aimed at garnering attention.
Some common themes we have found in our research are people dishonestly presenting themselves as heroes or as brave victims. In the heroic examples, we find pathological liars portraying themselves as CIA operatives hunted by multiple enemy states, Navy SEALS who rescued hostages under enemy fire, or vigilantes who solved crimes and outwitted the mafia. In the victim roles, people have woven fabricated tales about being kidnapped by gangs, being chased by police, falling ill with life-threatening ailments, or even being attacked by alligators and sharks. In all of those examples, the pathological liars have seemingly wanted people to notice them, to find them compelling, or to see them as important.
Tripartite Theory and Pathological Lying
So, are the lies that pathological liars tell truly pointless falsehoods? I submit that they are not. According to the Tripartite Theory of Dishonesty, people lie when they expect to derive value from lying and when they see the expected costs to be low or at least tolerable. Pathological liars may simply see value in lying (misplaced as it may be) where others do not. Additionally, they may not foresee the grave cost of telling lies that cause others to remain honest.
In other words, pathological liars have their reasons. They are simply reasons that most of us find preposterous.
As a parent coach, I often hear concerns similar to what Joan recently said to me: “My adult daughter Briana knows exactly what to say to make me feel guilty and then I give in to her unreasonable demands. I try to be kind and generous but she makes me feel like I am the worst, most unsupportive parent in the world!”
Before I go further, let me say this: I realize that there are many toxic parents of adult children out there. If you are an adult child of truly toxic parents who traumatized you, I empathize. I also work with many adult children who have been mistreated and abused by parents. And as a parent myself, I’ve made my own share of mistakes and could have done some things better. At the same time, there are countless parents who try their best while falling far short of being perfect.
So, if you happen to be a frustrated adult child, know and reclaim your value. Don’t compromise your worth by riding on a horse named Victim and repeatedly heading to the same rodeo. Don’t blame your parents for your own struggles without also taking a look in the mirror. Ask yourself how you can move toward your own valuable independence. Bottom line: Learn to feel good about knowing your own value as an adult even if your parent(s) did not do the best job of seeing it or expressing it.
Returning now to the opening of this post: Joan’s description of her adult daughter, Briana, (names changed for privacy) is heart-wrenching. She feels vulnerable to her adult daughter’s manipulations. Many of my clients share similar stories with me. They feel sucked into the vortex of guilt-inducing messages such as:
If you really loved me, you wouldn’t question why I need this!
You make me feel like the black sheep of this family!
You’re selfish and never think about anyone but yourself!
You invalidate me all the time!
I thought I could count on you but obviously I can’t!
Fine, I’ll just end up homeless!
As a parent, maybe you can identify with being on the receiving end of toxic, manipulative messages like these. And if you can, you may ask, “So, now what do I do?” I can tell you that Joan learned to respond to these types of manipulations from Briana in a much more emotionally healthier way.
Now, what about you?
If you are sick and tired of the manipulation, here’s a helpful word to empower you: Enough! As in, Enough is enough!
When your adult child tries to engage you through shame with pressuring demands, when your adult child is emotionally abusive, or when your adult child fails to acknowledge your love and/or the positive things you have done, you have to draw the line and say, or at the very least, think, Enough:
Enough of being a punching bag for misplaced and displaced disappointments and frustrations.
Enough of beating yourself up for past mistakes you’ve made as a parent.
Enough of being what I call a SWAT team parent. Stop setting yourself up to be on call to automatically respond to and solve the next manufactured, drama-laden crisis.
Enough negatively comparing yourself to parents of adult children who do not have the same struggles as your own.
The next time your adult child tries to manipulate you or is hurtful toward you, step back and do the following:
Whether communicating in person, on the phone, or through text messages, within your mind, rise up and watch the toxic manipulations from above.
Understand these manipulations for what they are and thank yourself for seeing them instead of getting sucked in and being a victim to them.
Now, think “Enough!” and, if you feel it’s appropriate, then also say, “Enough.”
Realize that now knowing when enough is enough empowers you to set those crucial boundaries with your adult child and no longer be a victim of manipulations.
Histrionic personality disorder is characterized by constant attention-seeking, emotional overreaction, and seductive behavior. People with this condition tend to overdramatize situations, which may impair relationships and lead to depression. Yet they are highly suggestible, easily susceptible to the influence of others.
Definition
Personality reflects deeply ingrained patterns of behavior and the manner in which individuals perceive, relate to, and think about themselves and their world. Personality traits are conspicuous features of personality and are not necessarily pathological, although certain styles of personality may cause interpersonal problems.
Personality disorders denote rigid, inflexible, and maladaptive patterns of thinking and behaving, leading to impairment in functioning and or significant internal distress. Most personality disorders have their onset in adolescence or early adulthood, are stable over time, and lead to significant inner turmoil or impairment.
Individuals with histrionic personality disorder exhibit excessive emotionality—a tendency to regard things in an emotional manner—and are attention-seekers. People with this disorder are uncomfortable or feel unappreciated when they are not the center of attention. Typical behaviors may include the constant seeking of approval or attention, self-dramatization, and theatricality. People with histrionic personality disorder may act in a self-centered way or sexually seductive in inappropriate situations, including social, occupational, and professional relationships, beyond what is appropriate for the social context. They may be lively and dramatic, and may initially charm new acquaintances with their enthusiasm, apparent openness, or flirtatiousness. They may also, however, embarrass friends and acquaintances with excessive public displays of emotion, such as embracing casual acquaintances with passion, sobbing uncontrollably over minor setbacks, or having temper tantrums.
People with histrionic personality disorder commandeer the role of “life of the party.” Here are additional characteristics of this disorder:
Their interests and conversation will be self-focused.
They use their physical appearance to draw attention to themselves.
They tend to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are.
Their emotional expression may be shallow and rapidly shifting.
Their style of speech is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail.
They may do well with jobs that value and require imagination and creativity, but will probably have difficulty with tasks that demand logical or analytical thinking.
Data from the 2001-2002 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions estimate that the prevalence of histrionic personality disorder is 1.84 percent.
Symptoms
According to the DSM-5, for a diagnosis of histrionic personality disorder to be given, five or more of the following symptoms must be present:
Self-centeredness, feeling uncomfortable when not the center of attention
Constantly seeking reassurance or approval
Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior
Rapidly shifting emotional states that appear shallow to others
Overly concerned with physical appearance, and using physical appearance to draw attention to self
Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with details
Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotion
Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are
Is highly suggestible (easily influenced by others)
In addition, the symptoms must cause significant impairment or distress in an individual.
Individuals with histrionic personalities may seem unempathetic, but they really suffer from little self-awareness and low emotional intelligence. They may appear manipulative in situations when they are not the center of attention.
Are people with histrionic personalities at higher risk for suicide?
People with a cluster B personality disorder may have a higher risk for suicidal thoughts. People with histrionic personalities and mood disorders like depression may have an even higher risk.
Causes
The cause of histrionic personality disorder is unknown, but childhood events and genetics may both be involved. HPD occurs more frequently in women than in men, although some experts contend that it is simply more often diagnosed in women, because attention-seeking and sexual forwardness are less socially acceptable for women than for men.
People with this disorder are usually able to function at a high level and can do well in social and occupational environments. They may seek treatment for depression when their romantic relationships end. They often fail to see their own situation realistically, instead tending to overdramatize and exaggerate. Instead of taking responsibility for failure or disappointment, those with the disorder typically cast blame on others. Because they tend to crave novelty and excitement, they may place themselves in risky situations. Their behavior may lead to a greater risk of developing depression.
Is histrionic personality disorder related to narcissism?
Narcissistic personality and histrionic personality can sometimes overlap. These two disorders are within the Cluster B group of personality disorders. People in this group suffer thinking and behavior patterns that are unpredictable or erratic; they are also engulfed in high drama that is centered on the self.
Treatment
The recommended form of treatment for histrionic personality disorder is psychotherapy. That said, therapy for people with this diagnosis is often challenging, because they may exaggerate their symptoms or ability to function. They may also be emotionally needy and challenge the behavioral boundaries set up by the therapist. Therapy should generally be supportive and solution-focused.
Because depression can be associated with failed romantic relationships, patients with histrionic personality disorder often seek treatment when they are experiencing symptoms of depression.
Are you exasperated by how negatively your adult child treats you? Do you find yourself consumed with conflicting thoughts and feelings about him or her? Do you feel alone as it seems that so many other adult children are more respectful and appreciative of what their parents do for them?
Before I go further, let’s make a few things clear: I am not writing that all adult children treat their parents poorly. And, for any adult children who may read this, I am also not saying that your parents are exempt from responsibility for the quality of your relationship with them.
That said, in my over 30 years of coaching parents of adult children to help restore boundaries, improve communication, and gain a much-desired sense of emotional balance, I have seen too many parents of adult children metaphorically wear “Kick Me” signs. What I mean by this is that your adult child’s frustration and shame over the failure to launch comes out sideways, directed at you as emotional abuse. Are you unwittingly, or even wittingly (because you just feel so worn down) wearing a “Kick Me” sign, thereby enabling mistreatment?
Following are three signs of emotional abuse experienced by parents of adult children that I often encounter about when I coach them to set better boundaries:
Unjustified Blame. Somehow, your adult child persistently blames you for his or her problems and refuses to accept responsibility for their struggles and issues. Adult children who think this way are leaden with distortions and use their parents as an outlet to vent their anger. Sadly, many of my parent clients actually believe they are solely at fault for an adult child’s lack of success in being able to sustain their independence. They distortedly think, “Maybe if I just tried harder or did this instead of that, things would be different.”
Manipulation. In many cases, I hear about struggling adult children who unfairly sling guilt at parents or even make threats of self-harm or suicide. Struggling adult children with distorted views who live at home may use whatever manipulation tactics they can muster to make parents feel they “owe” them and so must indefinitely support them. You remember the better days of their youth and how things were better years ago, so you look past the manipulation and cling to the idea that things will turn around.
Put-downs. Criticism is common from an adult child. She or he brings up how you seemingly treat their siblings better, rips on your spending habits, or criticizes your past choices. When you try to confront your adult child about it, you are met with gaslighting—questioning your memory of the incident or the past in general, trying to make you second-guess yourself, or telling you that you’re “always overreacting” or are just “crazy.”
If you recognize some or any of these behaviors in your relationship with an adult child, don’t accept them as “normal.” These behaviors are common in emotionally abusive relationships. Just because you are not being physically harmed doesn’t mean that the abuse isn’t taking its toll.
Setting boundaries with your adult child may seem impossible at this point because you hopelessly feel that the ship set sail way too long ago. Please don’t feel that way. There is no such thing as false hope when it comes to managing how an adult child treats you. There is only true hope, if you can recognize what is going on, take off your “Kick Me” sign, and do things differently going forward.
How to survive an especially painful time for estranged parents and grandparents.
Many estranged parents feel a sense of dread when a holiday approaches. Whether it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Hannukah, or the High Holy Days, they all want to know how they are going to survive it.
Some common questions are:
What do I tell people when they ask me what I’m going to do with my kids over the holidays or my birthday?
How do I manage my feelings of sadness, jealousy, or anger at my friends or children?
Are there any activities that are better or worse to do on those days?
Will I ever be able to get through a holiday and feel sane and whole again?
What should I say to others when they ask about my estranged children or grandchildren?
My short answer is: “Whatever you damn well please.” In other words, you don’t owe anyone an explanation, so you shouldn’t feel obligated to say more than you want.
If it’s an acquaintance or someone you’re not close to, you can say something breezy and change the subject: “Oh, she’s off in her own world. I don’t see her or the kids as much as I’d like.”
If they persist, you could give an update based on the last time you saw your child, grandchild, or something that you heard through the grapevine. And then change the subject.
In other words, you are not ethically obligated to say more than you’d like about your situation. Your main goal is to get in and out of the conversation and steer it into waters that are more comfortable for you to swim in.
If they insist on showing you pictures of their children and grandchildren, take a deep breath, say something appropriately complimentary, and then suddenly be overcome by a powerful desire to go to the bathroom or get something to eat or drink.
Don’t isolate
The message of estrangement is that you can have your most treasured person torn from you, and there’s nothing, or seemingly nothing, that you can do about it. That experience makes most people feel scared, impotent, and enraged. It has the potential—especially if you’ve had other traumas—to make you believe that this is somehow your fate or a kind of validation of your fundamental lack of worth.
Sadly, this complex of emotions may cause you to do the one thing you shouldn’t do, and that’s completely withdrawing from everyone. Far better to be direct about the kind of support that you’d like from friends or concerned family. And if you don’t have a lot of friends or family nearby, volunteer somewhere.
Do something fun and special
This is not a time to be stingy with yourself. If you’re anticipating feeling especially depressed or lonely, now would be a good time to get out of town or go do something that you might not typically allow yourself. In other words, you should pamper yourself, because it will probably be a harder day than other days. And then it will pass.
The pain of the estrangement may persist, but the intensity of the feelings stimulated by the holidays will fade. Over time, you can get better and better at learning how to develop a sense of serenity, even without your child or grandchild in your life. It takes patience and practice, but it is within your reach.
With Christmas just around the corner, many will be finalising plans to see their families over the festive period. Yet for others, family relationships are challenging, distant and a source of pain. In some cases, relationships break down entirely leaving people estranged from close relatives.
Results from a new online survey of people estranged from family members that I conducted with the charity Stand Alone, has shown how difficult Christmas can be. The survey was completed by 807 people who identified as being estranged from a parent, sibling or an adult child.
Almost all identified the holiday season as the most challenging time of year, describing feelings of loneliness, isolation and sadness. These feelings and experiences are in direct contrast to the idealised images of happy families around the dinner table that feature in Christmas advertising and the media at this time of year. One respondent said:
Everyone always says ‘what family plans do you have for holidays?’ and look at you funny when you say none. It’s hard to explain to people why you don’t want to be with your own parents.
Two-thirds of the respondents felt there was a stigma about family estrangement. They described feeling judged or blamed – and feeling that estrangement was a taboo subject about which there is little understanding or acknowledgement.
No two estranged relationships looked alike. Yet common factors often led to estrangement, such as having mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships, clashes in personality and values, and emotional abuse.
Estrangement was found to be more complex than simply a lack of contact or communication between family members. Although most of the respondents who were estranged from a parent, sibling or an adult child had no contact whatsoever with this individual, approximately 25% had contact that was minimal in nature. These results are similar to those of Australian social worker Kylie Aglias, who has distinguished between family members who have no contact at all (physical estrangement) and those whose contact is infrequent, perfunctory, and often uncomfortable (emotional estrangement).
We also found that estranged relationships change over time and that cycles in and out of estrangement are common. Of those who said they wished that their estranged relationship was different, most wanted a relationship that was more loving, warm and emotionally close.
What can be done to help?
When it came to getting support, respondents said those friends and support services which offered them emotional and practical support and took the time to listen to them and show them understanding were the most helpful. They found it unhelpful when they felt friends or counsellors dismissed them or when they felt they had been judged and blamed for the estrangement.
It would be wrong to assume that all those experiencing estrangement wish for there to be reconciliation in the future. Feelings about the future of estranged relationships were varied. Of those who were estranged from a mother or father, most felt that there would never be a functional relationship between them in the future. Yet for those who were estranged from an adult son or daughter, most felt that there could be a functional relationship in the future or were unsure of the future direction of the relationship.
Four out of five respondents also reported that there had been a positive outcome from their experience of estrangement. These included feeling more free and independent, feeling happier and less stressed, and having gained a greater insight or understanding of themselves and relationships more broadly.
By listening to the hidden voices of people who are estranged from close relatives, we can begin to move beyond assumptions about what families could or should look like and begin conversations about families and family relationships as they really are.
Isnt it bad enough, that after you get the strength and courage to leave your narcissist, and after youve already lost your self-worth, your youth, your time, lots of your money, your sanity, and whatever else you lost because of being in a narcissistic relationship, now you have to lose your kids too? It just isnt fair; and it isnt right.
Youve watched your narcissist manage to convince joint friends and other community members and sometimes even family members that you are the crazy one and he/she is the victim, by his/her masterful manipulation strategies. People are hoodwinked and dont even realize it. Your good name is slandered. You feel alone, humiliated, discouraged, disheartened, and vengeful.
Now, your kids are subjected to the smear campaign against you, and you find it is actually working. It is enough to make you either curl up in the foetal position and give up or rage with anger like an erupting volcano. Of course, to do either would confirm the reality of the premise of the smear campaign that you are deranged and crazy.
And if you talk about the situation, others will not understand and will simply conclude on their own that the other party must be right you are psychotic. Its a no win situation. Say nothing and your name is tarnished. Say anything and your craziness is confirmed.
And if you talk to your own kids about the situation you are drawing them into the middle of your relationship problems with their other parent which is a big no no.
Does going no contact include going no contact with your own children as well?
When you seek help from a therapist, you often find that he/she is just as much at a loss as you, because those in the counseling community are often not well-equipped to handle such relationship dynamics. No one is, really.
The courts rarely help and often exacerbate the problem. And if your children are not minors, then court involvement is pointless. Besides that, you cant legally force anyone to see the truth. Denial is denial and brainwashing is not easily countered.
So, what is a parent to do under these circumstances? Here are some helpful suggestions:
Do not be defensive. I know this is hard, but it is essential for your own peace of mind. Remember, during your entire relationship with the narcissist you were always put on the defence. Don’t let him/her continue to keep you on that course, even through your children. You don’t have to defend yourself. You don’t have to be a perfect human being, always showing others why you are worthy.
In practical terms, the way you do this is to change course whenever you have the feeling of defensiveness. If you feel defensive, then don’t talk, don’t try to get anyone else to see the truth. Go for a walk. Write in your journal. Call a friend and vent. Do something else until the feeling is no longer pressing you.
Be strong. Do not give into the feeling of hopelessness and defeat. You have no leverage if you give up and give in to your weakest self. Your children are best served by feeling your strength and by not seeing you being manipulated by the other parent. You are best served by remaining steadfast, stable, strong, and resolute.
Do not give in to the need for approval from your children. Hustling for the approval of any person is not healthy or wise, even if the person happens to be your offspring. Once you need your children to approve of you then you have given your power away to them (and by proxy, to the other parent.) In order to do this, you must keep validating yourself and getting external validation from your safe relationships and from your spiritual resources.
Realize you are not alone. Other parents struggle too. While, being among company with other parents is not a solution to the problem, it is important for keeping a proper perspective. What I mean by this, is that other parents, even those not in narcissistic relationships, also struggle with relationship (and other) problems with their children.
Many parents have children that reject them or turn to drugs or unhealthy relationships despite their parents’ desires. Adult children often choose a lifestyle or belief system that is against everything their parents stood for while raising them. There will be no good end to trying to force your children to see things your way.
Many parents also struggle with other difficult parenting conditions, such as having their children face some personal problem where the parent was unable to help such as a health problem, bullying or criminal or other out of their control situation.
Keep a healthy perspective. As mentioned above, it is important to keep the proper perspective. Having a balanced perspective is necessary for keeping your sanity. The best way to do this is to not react on your feelings, but rather to think things through with balance and maturity.
In essence, don’t horriblize the situation, remain calm, and be a problem solver. Reacting with strong emotions will not help you, thinking things through unemotionally will help you in the end. Look at the big picture, and resist the urge to join, “The War of the Roses” with your ex.
State your position once and then move on. It is fair for you to state your position on a matter to your children in order to shed light on the truth. Having your own voice is important for recovery from narcissistic abuse. That being said don’t be a broken record; state your position once and move on.
Practice Acceptance. Don’t dwell on the negativity of it all. Narcissists do nothing but create a vortex of drama that leads your life into a cesspool. Drag yourself out of the cesspool and land on solid ground, where peace and sunshine abound. Don’t allow the narcissist to steal your joy, even if he/she manages to manipulate your children into his/her web of deception and ugliness.
Do I call it a chip on his or her shoulder? A lousy attitude? An unforgiving nature when it comes to divorcing parents? Should I refer to it as the divorce grudge… that will not budge?
I’ve seen it more than once. The adult child of divorce, no longer a child, who is unable to forgive parents for ever splitting up. And more than likely, that ill will is directed at one parent more than the other.
Maybe it shows up as a surly manner – even in a 28-year-old. Maybe it’s a chilly emotional distance, or a blatant “freeze-out” that occurs sporadically or over long periods of time.
Maybe the adult child of divorce was once the recipient of parental alienation (brainwashing or truth?), and while it took place many years earlier, the negative effects are difficult to dispel.
From the Adult Child’s Viewpoint
Shall we look first to this “child” who is still harbouring mixed or negative feelings?
At a young age, we are indelibly influenced by the models of behaviour we see around us. We may take on good and “bad” behaviours as a result, or we may recognize that something is out of whack and consequently, we lean the other way. We choose to comport ourselves differently.
We also internalize troubling verbal messages – either tinged with residual anger and judgment, or outright hurtful and damaging. We “believe” the parent who may be responding to legitimate grievances. The result can be an altered view – possibly forever – of the other parent he or she is speaking about.
I’m not in a position to say whether this is right or wrong. Personally, I feel it’s a matter of degree and circumstance. But we have many sources on the subject of parental alienation – some of which I find reasonable, and others that strike me as extreme.
The bottom line?
We don’t forget hurts we observe or experience as children – our own, or those of siblings and another parent. We also don’t forget if we feel as though both parents put self-interest far above our sense of safety and security.
From the Divorced Parent’s Viewpoint
If you’re the divorced parent and your adult child is still holding a grudge (or even acting out), it feels dreadful.
It’s painful to be on the receiving end, painful to be unable to “explain” one’s side of the story, and also – painful to be the person who is the friend, the lover, or the mate of the adult parent suffering from the grudge.
I have occasionally dated men with adult children who are still emotionally proximate to their feelings following their parents’ divorce – even if the divorce took place many years earlier.
In one example I recall, the adult child was very close to the mother, parental alienation (against the father) had taken place, and while the father constantly reached out to strengthen the relationship, his 27-year-old remained standoffish. I saw his hurt up close and the ways he tried to tenderly address the past. He couldn’t get through.
I heard his side of the “story” in depth and of course, I never heard the other side, and I’m not in a position to judge.
I overheard cutting remarks the 27-year-old would make in his presence, and every so often, I saw the tiniest indication of both love and hurt. I can only guess that “truth” dwells somewhere in the middle of each player’s version of history. Yet for all the times this divorced father tried to build bridges, his adult child resisted.
I Am an Adult Child of Divorce
As I think back on my own parents’ divorce, I’m certain my mother hoped I would be mad at my father on her behalf. I was in my twenties when my parents split, and my mother had been bad-mouthing my dad for years.
I hoped she would be happier after divorce (naive on my part), but while he moved on – very quickly – she was perpetually pissed off at yours truly for not despising him. Go figure!
Listen. I’m not proposing that we simply forgive and forget what one of our parents may have done to the other. And I certainly understand better now that I have been through marriage, divorce, and years of tumultuous aftermath myself – yet my mother’s situation was never as fraught with financial insecurity or worry for her children as mine.
Why wouldn’t I attempt to see both sides – and love both parents?
As for those grumpy, grouchy, pouting, pernickety non-children who refuse to see their parents as fallible, flawed, and forgivable for non-egregious “wrongs,” I wish they would open their minds, at least a little bit. After all, who isn’t capable of mistakes in judgment?
Also in my own experience, I have seen where a new relationship (a new partner) may help ease an “alienated” adult child’s distance. This needs to be handled delicately of course, and again, is a matter of individual circumstances. But bit by bit, strides can be made.
Will time heal the wounded adult child of divorce, at least in part?
I suppose we can hope – time and life experience, along with open communication. But if one side continues to poison the pot, we may be hard-pressed to make progress, and that’s a shame for all involved.
Our childhood conditioning can influence our choice of partner as an adult. This may be especially true for individuals who felt unwanted, unseen, or unheard as children because of severe abuse or abandonment, or who had to “compete” with siblings for their caregiver’s attention. There is a plethora of existing research supporting correlations between a history of childhood maltreatment and an increased risk of becoming involved in toxic, narcissistic, or conflictual relationships (Handley, et al., 2021; Handley, et al., 2019; Haselschwerdt, et al., 21021; Murphy, et al., 2020).
When a parent is narcissistic—especially parents who display abusive, invalidating, or negligent tendencies—a child typically grows up believing chaos is “normal.” There is no consistency, no sense of safety, no boundaries being taught, and no encouragement for the child to explore who they are and to appreciate and value their sense of self. Invalidating and abusive environments don’t teach self-worth, they don’t teach self-respect, and they don’t teach self-love. Instead, what a child learns is self-preservation and survival mode (Linehan, 1993).
Why Red Flags Are Missed and Dismissed
With a history of childhood maltreatment, a person has limited healthy experiences to use as a guide for their relationships. Children who grow up in invalidating environments aren’t being taught their value; they’re being taught to survive. A common side effect of survival mode is to unconsciously seek out what is familiar because it’s “comfortable.” The result is often a pattern of invalidating, emotionally immature and psychologically limiting relationships that resonate with this “comfortable” pattern.
Three of the biggest red flags that often get dismissed as “normal” and put us at risk for a narcissistic relationship include:
Having a Parent Who Is a Narcissist. Children who grow up in narcissistic environments are learning one thing: that chaos is “normal.” A child doesn’t expect things to change because how they grow up is all they know. Many adults grew up believing their toxic childhood was adaptive until they see how their friends live and first realize that their home environment is anything but adaptive.
Children who grow up in these conditions learn to either fight their way through life, or they try to escape these conditions through flight, freeze, or fawning behaviour. Ultimately, what they learn is that no matter what they do, it’s never “good enough” and that their parent is always “right” while they are always “wrong.” These familial conditions predispose children to later narcissistic abuse as being “familiar” in their adult lives. If a child is taught that they don’t matter or that their needs and opinions aren’t worthy, they are prone to falling hook, line, and sinker for a narcissist who pretends to hand them their unmet needs on a silver platter; only to pull the rug out from under them when they least expect it.
Intermittent Reinforcement Is Taught as “Comfortable.”Traumatic bonds begin in our childhood, often as a result of narcissistic parenting where praise and attention are taught as contingent on perfection, performance, achievement, or accomplishments. The same caregivers use indifference or invalidation when a child is seen as performing “less than” their expectations.
These types of intermittent reinforcement are teaching the child to jump through hoops to maintain their parents’ expectations, while learning that praise and validation will be withheld for “failing” to maintain their parents’ unrealistic expectations. What the child learns is that their value is contingent on pleasing their caregivers; they become people-pleasers. They’re also learning to try harder when caregivers withhold their attention, which strengthens a traumatic bond.
Fast-forward into their adult life and they’re at risk for falling for the charm and flattery of being “love-bombed” because many are starved for consistent attention and validation. Sadly, because they were primed in childhood to become people-pleasers or to fawn their way through life, many adults who have experienced profound childhood trauma are at an increased risk for attracting narcissistic partners who negatively reinforce their childhood pain.
Mirroring Behaviors Develop Due to a Limited Sense of Self. When an invalidating or abusive environment is taught as “normal,” a child is not learning who they are. They may be shamed for expressing themselves, punished for having an opinion, or shown indifference for their likes or dislikes. This conditioning predisposes a child to mirroring others as a way of feeling valid and a sense of belonging and acceptance.
In childhood, healthy mirroring happens between parents and child, which helps foster the child’s sense of self-awareness and identity. When a child is raised in an invalidating environment, this key developmental behaviour is missing or deficient. The mirroring they needed but were denied in childhood can manifest in their adult lives as being mirrored in a narcissistic relationship where both partners have a limited sense of self-identity.
Healing From the Pattern
Recovery is possible. Developing a true sense of self means shedding the maladaptive patterns learned in childhood for survival. Working toward self-discovery and developing long-term goals that are aligned with healing can be challenging, but are obtainable. Reach out to a therapist who specialises in healing from relational and developmental trauma and who can help empower you on your journey.
This section is designed to assist a therapist whose client reveals having current or past involvement with Jehovah’s Witnesses. A common complaint from former Jehovah’s Witnesses seeking professional assistance is that their religious experience was downplayed and not understood. This article covers the most important factors to be aware of in order to offer constructive guidance.
To be most effective, a therapist should have an understanding of:
Whether Jehovah’s Witnesses are a cult
Certain key doctrine that influences their emotional and mental state
The client’s current involvement and feelings toward the religion
The religious organization behind Jehovah’s Witnesses is the Watch Tower Society. Whilst it is not necessary to have a comprehensive understanding of Watchtower doctrine, there are certain teachings and practices that shape the way Jehovah’s Witnesses view themselves and the world around them. Without being aware of these, advice offered is likely to be met with resistance.
Are Jehovah’s Witnesses a Cult?
Jehovah’s Witnesses get labelled across the spectrum from benign religious group to harmful cult. Since there are millions of members, people usually find it difficult to accept they could compare to a small esoteric cult. They are best known for the visibility of their preaching work, which is considered little more than an annoyance.
The term cult is misleading, due to its’ range of meanings. The primary meaning of cult encompasses all religious groups, yet in common usage it has come to evoke the image of a small commune following an eccentric leader. The Oxford dictionary definition of cult is as follows:
Regardless of the type of group a follower belongs to, they will never accept that it is a cult in any negative sense of the word. For this reason, is it un-beneficial to refer to Jehovah’s Witnesses as a cult to a client.
What is important is the level of control a group has over members. Researchers generally classify a group as harmful if is exerts excessive levels of control, or coercive persuasion. Groundbreaking work in this field was done by Robert Lifton, who outlined 8 criteria high control groups systematically use to control members.[1] Jehovah’s Witnesses are subjected to all 8 of these criteria.
Watchtower leaders, the Governing Body, enforce total acceptance of their belief structure as being from Jehovah God, with strict sanctions for any followers that do not comply. Disfellowshipping and strict shunning of noncompliant members is the clearest indicator that Jehovah’s Witnesses are subjected to and manipulated by excessive levels of control. You will find that current shunning, or the fear of being shunned, features prominently in your discussions with Jehovah’s Witness clients.
Key Beliefs and Practices
Jehovah’s Witnesses are Christian, and strictly follow Watchtower interpretation of the Bible as God’s infallible word. A core difference with most Christians is that they do not accept Jesus as God, or part of a Trinity. Jehovah is considered Almighty God. Jesus is a lesser creation of God, through still admired as their ruler.
There are a few core teachings and practices to be aware of in order to understand the depths of influence Watchtower teachings have.
Never Dying – Jehovah’s Witnesses do not expect to ever die. The primary teaching since its 1800’s inception has been that “very soon” Jehovah will destroy billions of people, with Jehovah’s Witnesses alone surviving to live forever on this planet.
Sex – Sexual guilt is prominent. Sex is only acceptable between married hetrosexuals. Hence homosexuality is strongly condemned. Masturbation is considered unclean and a common source of guilt.
Headship arrangement – Men are considered the head of women. This can lead to the extremes, from male guilt for not living up to expectations of headship, to dominance and domestic violence against wives.
Child abuse – Whilst condemned, known child abusers have systematically gone unreported to the authorities, leading to an epedemic of abused children raised in the religion.
Disfellowshipping and Shunning – Failing to abide by Watchtower rules and doctrine can lead to being disfellowshipped. This is a common practice, with around 1% of Jehovah’s Witnesses being disfellowshipped every year. This results in strict shunning. All active followers, including family members, are forbidden from contact with the individual. This extends for the remainder of the persons’ life if they do not repent and return to the religion. Being shunned by family members has exceptionally destructive consequences, including drug addiction and suicide.
Higher education is discouraged.
Blood transfusions are strictly forbidden. It has been estimated that every year more Jehovah’s Witnesses die refusing blood than died in Jonestown.
Forbidden practices – Jehovah’s Witnesses are not allowed to engage in a long list of celebrations and practices. This includes not celebrating Christmas, Easter and Birthdays, not being engaged in politics or voting and not engaging in smoking, illegal drugs, drunkeness or premarital sex.
A good place to start understanding Jehovah’s Witnesses is the 15 minute video Growing up a Jehovah’s Witness. This describes how children are expected to remain separate from their worldly peers, preach each weekend, not celebrate birthdays and Christmas, are discouraged from higher education, and encouraged to devote their lives to growing the religion. They expect that they will never die. Armageddon is imminent, resulting in the destruction of billions of non-witnesses. This has been going on for over a century, resulting in many Jehovah’s Witnesses struggling with a lack of funds for retirement, and the confusing disappointment of why the end still has not arrived. An understanding of these few key points will go a long way to being able to effectively assist anyone that has been involved with Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Jehovah’s Witnesses undergo an incredible amount of indoctrination. They are expected to attend religious meetings or preaching several times a week, and on the other days studying Watchtower publications. Reading alternative viewpoints, particularly from “apostate” sources is discouraged. For this reason, the Watchtower belief system is strongly influential, and remains so long after Jehovah’s Witnesses leave, even for those that may claim to no longer believe it is “the truth.” They may retain distrust of “worldly people” (anyone not one of Jehovah’s Witnesses), feel guilt for engaging in standard celebrations and behaviour, and retain a strong fear of being killed by Jehovah at Armageddon. This instilled fear and guilt is very difficult to overcome, yet important in assisting the individual understanding how it is not the truth and the superstitions that may be controlling them. It may be manifest by a reluctance to embrace life outside the religion, or the other extreme of engaging in seemingly juvenile and destructive behaviour. Shunning has a devastating effect. Many that no longer believe it is the “truth” continue to remain part of the religion out of fear of being shunned. This leads to feelings of being trapped, living a lie, wasting their life, self-loathing and depression. Those that leave never get over being shunned. To be shunned by family is incomprehensible, and a disfellowshipped Jehovah’s Witness will never stop hoping that one day their family may speak to them again, which prevents them ever feeling completely whole or content. Any attempted contact will be met with silence, or a message that they are dead to them, a disappointment, a disgrace, and overcome by Satan. The message will end with words to the effect, “You chose this situation. We still love you, but we love Jehovah more.” Never tell a former Jehovah’s Witness to be the better person and initiate contact. This is not a family squabble that can be solved if one member swallows their pride and reaches out to reinitiate the relationship. This is a strictly imposed religious sanction that your client has no control over. It is common that therapists do not understand the magnitude of the disfellowshipping arrangement, and by indicating that your client can change the situation will only hurt them more, and make them question whether you are qualified to assist them. Four Primary Categories If a client mentions involvement with Jehovah’s Witnesses, it is critical to determine which of four primary categories they fall into, as this affects the current issues they face and how they respond to your advice. Determining this will influence how you can most effectively be of assistance. Try to identify if they are an: Active believer Active non-believer Inactive believer Inactive non-believer The more strongly they believe, the harder it will be to have them accept any helpful advice that does not align with their belief system. The more active they are, the more they stand to lose if they slow down in their religious activity. Does your client still believe Jehovah’s Witnesses are the truth? This will affect whether they are struggling with guilt, and how open they are to accept your advice and act upon it. How involved is your client as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses? This will influence whether they are struggling with the fear of leaving or loneliness. These considerations are in addition to the specific reason they sought your help. For example, they may have sought therapy for marital problems, addiction or depression. It may well be possible to assist without any regard to their religious background. However, problems and acceptable solutions are likely to be intertwined at least to some extent with where they fit on the quadrant of belief and activeness. Non-believer The easiest to assist are those in the non-believer category. Inactive Non-believer The inactive non-believer is likely struggling from the loss of family, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help cope mentally with negative thoughts. If they have not done research or reached out to other former members, directing them to websites and forums can help clear up any lingering doubts and issues they may not have been aware are affecting them. The Inactive Non-believer will usually be struggling with coping with loss of family, difficulty making friends, and trust issues that affect their ability to find a partner. There is also the loss of a belief system that is hard to replace. This can lead to depression, suicidal inclinations and addictions.
Jehovah’s Witnesses have the majority of their boundaries dictated to them. This is under the guise that all Watchtower rules are from Jehovah, and deviation will result in punishment. Upon leaving and losing a belief in Watchtower rules, Jehovah’s Witnesses will often regress, even as older adults, to behaviour common amongst youth, trying to establish their own boundaries.
The biggest complaint from inactive non-believers is that therapists dismiss any suggestion that Watchtower teachings are harmful. When the patient describes Jehovah’s Witnesses as a cult, they are often left feeling like they are overreacting, and told by therapists the religion is not that bad, unaware of how controlling and unrealistic the teachings are. Whilst a therapist should not raise the claim that Jehovah’s Witnesses are a cult, they can examine with a client their basis for using that label.
Worse is the lack of recognition of Watchtower’s policy on disfellowshipping and shunning. Many therapists refuse to believe that Jehovah’s Witness parents are absolutely forbidden from speaking with disfellowshipped adult children, or visa versa, in all but the rarest of occasions. Disfellowshipped Jehovah’s Witnesses are regularly told to, “be the better person, and make the first move in re-establishing contact with your family.” It has nothing to do with your patient, the religion dictates that those that leave the religion must be shunned unless they return.
“Really, what your beloved family member needs to see is your resolute stance to put Jehovah above everything else – including the family bond. … Do not look for excuses to associate with a disfellowshipped family member, for example, through e-mail.” Watchtower 2013 Jan 15 p.16
The inactive non-believer needs to trust you and feel acceptance. They need to learn how to make friends and new interests. This can only be done by learning that most people are not bad, but also how to identify the few that are so as not to be taken advantage of.
Active Non-believer
The active non-believer has probably been researching and may even verbalise that they are trapped in a cult. A common term is PIMO – physically in, mentally out. They don’t believe, but feel unable to leave the religion because of what they stand to lose. A youth may fear being evicted from home and never being able to speak to their parents again, possibly living on the street if they have no source of income. A married Jehovah’s Witness will fear being honest about their feelings will result in divorce, and potentially losing contact with their children, who will be told to consider the apostate parent as dangerous and controlled by Satan. These people are not delusional, sadly their fears are completely realistic and being played out daily. The best option is again CBT to teach them how to cope with what they are going through, and being put in touch with forums and former members who can advise on how to leave strategically with the least loss, and provide a support group.
Believers
For believers, standard tools may be able to assist with the issue they have approached you about. However, if you identify that Watchtower teachings are the root of their issues, any negativity towards the religion will not be tolerated and likely lead them to chose another therapist or cease help altogether. Jehovah’s Witnesses are warned to be wary about anyone that does not belong to the religion, referred to as “worldly people.” This includes professional therapists. If one of Jehovah’s Witnesses seek out professional help, particularly at the recommendation of a doctor, they will be cautious and untrusting and wary of guidance in conflict with their beliefs or critical of the organisation.
Active Believer
Religion is the elephant in the room. You cannot ignore the religion, otherwise you are not going to be addressing what is likely to be at the heart of their issues. Yet drawing the patient out regarding any negative effects resulting from their religious background is likely to be met with opposition. Keeping positive about Jehovah’s Witnesses is important in order to not scare them away. Jehovah’s Witnesses are trained to expect that Satan is attacking their faith from all angles, and any negative comments on your part will be seen as such an attack and likely raise a barrier between you, and even lead to the patient not returning.
Concentrate foremost on the reason they have met with out, and standard advice. Only if the time seems appropriate, try to uncover how their religious background is of relevant influence, without appearing to attack Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Try the following approaches.
Ask them outright what they like and what they find difficult about being one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Try to have them pinpoint why they think it is the truth, and anything that may be affecting their faith. It is not your position to convince them whether their religion is the truth or not, but to get them being able to identify the good and bad aspects as a platform from which to dwell upon.
Positively discuss what they can do to be happier with their life, including religious activity. Discussing what is required to be happier is not the end goal, but an ice breaker to uncovering the true issues. Is the person down because they feel guilty about not doing enough, are their parents disappointed with them, or are they disappointed with a lack of spirituality in their husband or children? This can open up conversations on how to find happiness within, not needing others for their own happiness. Such conversations may lead the person to uncovering what is core to their illness. Maybe they will realise the religion itself is directly the cause of issues they face. On the other hand, the religion may not be core to their problems, or they may not contemplate leaving to be an option, and you will be able to help them find greater levels of happiness and contentment within the religion.
Bring up similar religions, such as Mormons and Scientologists. They are similar in providing the joy of strong community bonds and assistance with issues such as addiction. On the other hand, these religious groups also believe they are different from everyone else (worldly people), impose the fear of shunning, and use the guilt of having doubts and never doing enough. If you discuss how that can affect their members, you can impart good lessons without seeming to attack your client’s religion.
Inactive Believer
The inactive believer is the one that potentially can gain the most from therapy. An inactive believer carries the full weight of guilt of the organization’s teachings, a fear of the world, the loss of association with members of the religion, and feelings of being worthy of imminent death at Armageddon.
It may seem that the easy solution to their problems is helping them recognize the religion does not teach the truth, and the damage it has caused. However, convincing them it is not the truth is difficult, and also unlikely to be legal or ethical. A therapist will be limited in offering standard guidance on understanding past experiences that may be the cause of current issues, and how to handle them.
The struggle for the inactive believer is the Watchtower concept that it is not possible to have a relationship with God without being an active part of the Watchtower organization. Jehovah’s Witness struggle to separate God from the Organization, and leaving the religion equates to leaving Jehovah. For those fearful that leaving the religion has destroyed their relationship with God, it helps to stress that they can still worship Jehovah and have a relationship with him if they leave.
Key assistance to an Inactive Believer is putting in the effort to determining whether Jehovah’s Witnesses are the truth or not. If they think it is the truth, and struggle with feelings of worthlessness or depression for not being involved, maybe they should go back. Help them overcome the reason they are inactive, such as addiction to some forbidden practice, so they have the option of returning.
Before they return, explain to them the importance of researching the religion from all angles before making such a change. There is a lot of online information that they can refer to. They will resist, saying alternative viewpoints about Jehovah’s Witnesses are apostate lies. Remind them that they will know what is a lie. Before any major purchase, it is good to not only read the organization’s marketing information, but also reviews from users, good and bad, for a rounded and informed opinion. A key skill in life is learning to identify what is accurate and what is not.
Milieu Control. This involves the control of information and communication both within the environment and, ultimately, within the individual, resulting in a significant degree of isolation from society at large.
Mystical Manipulation. The manipulation of experiences that appears spontaneous but is, in fact, planned and orchestrated by the group or its leaders in order to demonstrate divine authority, spiritual advancement, or some exceptional talent or insight that sets the leader and/or group apart from humanity, and that allows reinterpretation of historical events, scripture, and other experiences. Coincidences and happenstance oddities are interpreted as omens or prophecies.
Demand for Purity. The world is viewed as black and white and the members are constantly exhorted to conform to the ideology of the group and strive for perfection. The induction of guilt and/or shame is a powerful control device used here.
Confession. Sins, as defined by the group, are to be confessed either to a personal monitor or publicly to the group. There is no confidentiality; members’ “sins,” “attitudes,” and “faults” are discussed and exploited by the leaders.
Sacred Science. The group’s doctrine or ideology is considered to be the ultimate Truth, beyond all questioning or dispute. Truth is not to be found outside the group. The leader, as the spokesperson for God or for all humanity, is likewise above criticism.
Loading the Language. The group interprets or uses words and phrases in new ways so that often the outside world does not understand. This jargon consists of thought-terminating clichés, which serve to alter members’ thought processes to conform to the group’s way of thinking.
Doctrine over person. Members’ personal experiences are subordinated to the sacred science and any contrary experiences must be denied or reinterpreted to fit the ideology of the group.
Dispensing of existence. The group has the prerogative to decide who has the right to exist and who does not. This is usually not literal but means that those in the outside world are not saved, unenlightened, unconscious and they must be converted to the group’s ideology. If they do not join the group or are critical of the group, then they must be rejected by the members. Thus, the outside world loses all credibility. In conjunction, should any member leave the group, he or she must be rejected also.
Taking The Helm 