Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is a psychological condition that causes someone to engage in attention-seeking behaviour. Some aspects of this condition may cause a person to lie to manipulate others.
It is possible that those with HPD may lie more than those without this condition, as they may feel the need to manipulate others to attract their attention. There is no research indicating how frequently those with HPD lie compared with those in the general population. However, anecdotal evidence suggests people with HPD may lie or exaggerate the truth.
This article will closely examine HPD and its connection to lying and how to deal with lying and manipulation.
There are several traits relating toTrusted Source HPD that may cause a person to lie, exaggerate the truth, or manipulate, such as:
Feeling uncomfortable when not the center of attention: Those with HPD feel a need to be the center of attention and, therefore, may use lying or exaggeration as a way to attract attention to themselves.
Shallow or frequently shifting emotions: This means that people with HPD may exhibit emotions that seem insincere to others and change often depending on the situation.
Exaggerating emotions: Someone with HPD may exhibit emotions in an overly dramatic or exaggerated way to attract attention from others.
Manipulative tendencies are common for people with HPD, as they may feel a need to gain attention from those around them or use their emotions to control those around them. They may make up either positive or negative emotions or stories to get this attention.
What is histrionic personality disorder?
Personality disorders are psychological conditions that affect the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves. These conditions cause someone to behave outside of cultural expectations in ways that may cause distress and problems with functioning and maintaining relationships.
HPD is a cluster B personality disorder. Cluster B personality disorders cause a person to have difficulty regulating their emotions and maintaining personal relationships. ResearchersTrusted Source are not sure what causes HPD, but it likely has links to factors such as trauma in early childhood and certain parenting styles.
Other histrionic traits include:
frequent flirtatious or seductive behaviour
using appearance or clothing to attract attention
exaggerated or overly dramatic emotions
being easily influenced by others
thinking relationships with others are closer than they really are
Pathological lying describes somebody who persistently and compulsively tells lies to the point that it damages their personal and professional lives and relationships. Pathological lying can cause distress and harm to both the pathological liar and those around them and persists longer than 6 monthsTrusted Source . A person can not receive a diagnosis as a pathological liar, but a doctor may recognize pathological lying as part of a personality disorder.
According to research from 2020, pathological lying has a prevalence of around 8–13%Trusted Source . A person may lie pathologically to bring attention to themselves or to otherwise benefit from the lies they tell.
Maintaining any kind of relationship with someone who engages in lying and manipulative behavior can be difficult. This behavior can damage relationships and affect a person’s well-being.
It is important to remember that the individual telling lies or engaging in manipulative behavior may not be in control of their actions or may be acting due to their own distress. Avoiding judgment and blame while setting and maintaining strong boundaries may help a person protect themselves and their relationship.
Certain methods may help someone deal with lying and manipulation, such as:
not engaging with them or seeming uninterested
having strong boundaries and saying “no”
understanding they are responsible for their own feelings and behaviors
helping them identify their reasons for lying and manipulating
helping them find support from a doctor or therapist
Support for friends and family of those with personality disorders can help people maintain their own well-being and their relationship with someone with a personality disorder. Learning more about their condition can help with maintaining a healthy relationship in which all parties feel safe and comfortable.
Therapy may be a helpful tool for those living with others who have personality disorders to express their feelings and experiences and receive support. A person may use other tools, such as support groups and online resources, to find support.
HPD is a personality disorder that causes someone to exhibit exaggerated emotions and engage in extreme attention-seeking behavior. Part of this behavior may involve lying and manipulation to gain the attention of those around them.
Pathological lying is not a diagnosable condition but may occur when someone has a personality disorder.
ON researching this subject, I discovered just how common this situation is and the video may be helpful to this who are experiencing adult child estrangement.
The concepts of the golden child and the evil/scapegoated child can make us think of narcissistic parents assigning these roles in a family. However, these roles can also be assigned to adults in a cultic context, and understanding the implications of these roles can benefit cult recovery. In my clinical work, I meet people who have left a cultic environment, alone or together. They may be siblings who broke up with a narcissistic parent, they may be family who left a group as a unit, or they may be friends who withdrew from a cultic group together. Despite all the goodwill and love a survivor may receive, healing can be difficult as there are many wounds and triggers in the relationships between the former members. They might have different experiences in the same context for many reasons. In the recovery process, it can be helpful to try to understand the different roles and the dynamics among the cult leader, the golden child and the evil/scapegoated child. In this article I look at each one of these roles—the cult leader, the golden child, and the evil/scapegoated child, and how they can interact. I give an example of these roles from recent Swedish history and note some of the benefits understanding these roles can have for helping people recover from their cultic experience.
A Note on My Therapeutic Method
In my own practice, I work with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). There are various forms of CBT, but they share a basis in research and in theory, for example in developmental psychology, learning psychology, cognitive psychology, and social psychology. As research develops, so does CBT. Today it also includes research in, for example, mindfulness and self-compassion. In CBT the therapist is active: Together with the client, we formulate goals, treatment plans, and an agenda for each meeting. CBT is a structured way of working with psychological problems, but there is also flexibility for the wishes and needs of the client. There are a wide variety of techniques like exposure, visualization, role-play, and mindfulness practices. The therapist and the client collaborate to find ways for the client to use therapy in their everyday life in the form of homework. A common misconception is that CBT is superficial, or just about the here and now. For some problems, such as arachnophobia (fear of spiders), you may not need to explore much background. But for other problems, like trauma and chronic trauma, exploring the client’s background is central. Psychoeducation is also a vital part of CBT. This means educating the client about the different ways to understand their problems and how to treat them. For example, a client with panic attacks is educated about how stress manifests in the body and the role catastrophic thoughts play in the development of an attack, as well as how to break the harmful cycle. There are no manuals for using CBT to treat clients coming out of cults, but in the same spirit as with other problems, it’s important for the cult client to understand what has happened to them psychologically, as an individual and as a member of a cultic group. Other benefits of psychoeducation are that it reduces magical thinking and increases the possibility of approaching issues more objectively, as the therapist can refer to research.
The Cult Leader
The cult leader as a traumatizing narcissist
In his 2014 article on the relational system of the traumatizing narcissist, Daniel Shaw describes two differing types of pathological narcissists who had, up to that point, been recognized by psychoanalytic writers. This person may be a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a cult leader, and so on. Of the two types, one is the deflated narcissist, who is thin skinned and shame-prone with fragile self-esteem, easily wounded or insulted. The other is the overinflated, grandiose, thick-skinned narcissist, who is manipulative, aggressive, exploiting, and controlling. These narcissists can be charismatic, seductive, and intensely attentive. Shaw describes the psychoanalytic view that the two types are complementary. Behind the deflated narcissist’s self-doubt and over-idealization is hidden grandiosity—he enjoys grandiosity by proxy, or longs to do so; and behind the overinflated narcissist’s entitled grandiosity is deep insecurity and the urgent need to ward off destabilization, and often psychosis, by manipulating and controlling others who will idealize him (Shaw, 2014). To these classic categories, Shaw adds the concept of the traumatizing narcissist that goes beyond defining a character or neurological pathology. He explains that the pathology is about subjugation of others: followers, spouses, siblings, children: By subjugating the other, the narcissist inflates and verifies his delusional grandiosity and omnipotence. To elevate oneself by subjugating another is the essence of what I mean by traumatizing narcissism. The chief means of subjugation is objectification—using the other as one’s object to possess, suppressing the subjectivity of the other, exploiting the other (Shaw, 2014).
The core here is that the narcissists care primarily about their own needs and feelings. If someone else is expressing their needs, the narcissist will make the other person look selfish and hurtful. Shaw explains that the narcissistic parent is being both envious of and resentful toward the child’s right to be dependent and demanding. The parent will make the child feel shame for their own needs and wishes and will learn to see themself as the parent does, as greedy, selfish, or weak (Shaw, 2014).
The cult leader as a person with disorganized attachment In her 2021 book, Terror, Love and Brainwashing: Attachment in Cults and Totalitarian Systems, Alexandra Stein describes the cult leader in a similar way but uses attachment theory to understand cult leaders and how they form groups. Attachment is an evolutionary mechanism developed for survival. Being attached to a caregiver is a means of protection and just as vital as seeking after food. The caregiver becomes a safe haven where the child finds protection and can be emotionally comforted. If the parent is good enough, the child will be securely attached and thereby develop a sense of being loved and valuable and will be trusting of others. If the parent is not good enough, the child will develop an insecure attachment and struggle to feel valuable and trusting of others. The worst scenario is if the caregiver is the one who is making the child feel scared or threatened. You can’t safely escape both from and to the same person. It becomes an impossible situation where the child will be confused and may dissociate. If this becomes a pattern in the relationship, that child will develop a disorganized attachment. Stein connects attachment theory with trauma research, explaining that disorganized attachment is a chronic trauma which will prevent the brain from adequately regulating emotions, responding to threats, and integrating thoughts and emotions. Since the dissociation is not global, a person with disorganized attachment can be highly functioning in other areas of their lives. According to Stein, this theory explains both the cult leader, who has experienced disorganized attachment in their own life, and the cult leader’s impact on followers. Regardless of what attachment pattern you grow up with, when you are recruited into a cultic group as an adult your attachment to the group will become disorganized (Stein, 2021). Stein shows how the cult leader starts a cult by recruiting one person (person zero) by alternating love and threats, manipulating the member, and isolating them from their safe havens until the member’s attachment is disorganized. The leader’s totalitarian ideology is not the end but a means to prevent the followers from reflecting adequately on their situation, because if they did, they might consider leaving the group. Stein further explains that there are two types of disorganized attachment: the dominant, aggressive type (the leader), and the passive, obedient type (the follower). What drives cult leaders is to make sure followers are attached to the leader (in a disorganized way), in order that the leader may avoid abandonment. The cult leaders do this in the best way they know, from their own experiences.
The cult leader assigning roles as a mean of control
These two models of understanding a cult leader have in common the chronic trauma experienced by the cult leader. Their own developmental trauma has resulted in well hidden low self-esteem and fear of being abandoned. Their behaviors look very much the same with lack of empathy, guilt, or regret; having a shallow charm; being egocentric, manipulative, lying, and grandiose. With this background, it’s easier to understand why they put so much effort into controlling their followers. There are many ways to assert control in a manipulative way. Assigning different roles is only one aspect of the control system.
The Golden Child and the Evil/Scapegoated Child
Research on narcissistic parents indicates that there are generally two types: the disinterested and the controlling. The disinterested parent loses interest in the child if the child does not provide the parent with continuous confirmation and flattery. On the other hand, if the child is successful, they will become a trophy. The controlling parent is obsessed with the child, monitors them, and finds it very difficult to respect their boundaries and autonomy. Both these types have low tolerance for failure. The child the parent prefers is regarded as a “golden child,” is seen as having all the virtues of the parent and is expected to give the parent prestige (Perrotta, 2020). Other researchers describe how narcissistic families with several children will designate one of them a golden child who is to be perfect in everything. The child “becomes a property and an extension of his parent who projects on him all the grandeur and perfection, as his images” (Costin, 2020). The opposite role is the scapegoat. That child is denigrated and humiliated, “permanently triangulated, i.e. compared, placed in the shadow of the golden child to accentuate his self-doubt and discourage him from any attempt to threaten this pathological model” (Costin, 2020). If the golden child rebels against the expectations of the parent, their status can change to scapegoat. In the most dysfunctional families “the parent can incite the golden child to mistreat the scapegoat child” (Perrotta, 2020). In a cultic context these roles can be assigned to children and/or adults. The “golden child” becomes a role model for the other followers, and the “evil child” or scapegoat is a person you can blame for everything that goes wrong. The leader can focus on this scapegoat to avoid recognizing their own shortcomings. These roles can quickly change and can shift between family or cult members at the whim of leadership. In CBT we often talk about behaviors in terms of what function they fulfill for the person and how they affect other people and relationships. This approach can be used to explore the functions of different roles in a cult and help the client make these links and connections. When I do this with my clients, I give examples of the different functions and outcomes when the leader is assigning the roles of the golden child and the evil child in a cultic group.
The golden child
Assigning someone the role of the golden child has several benefits for the leader. This person presents proof to the other members that it’s possible to come close to the goal of being a successful member and that the leadership and the ideology are working. On the other hand, there are also considerable risks with having an adult golden child. The golden child can get too popular and, in the end, replace the leader. The cult leader may try to minimize the risk of replacement and abandonment by damaging the potential attachment between the golden child and other members. This is a common technique of cult leaders, separating parents from children or spouse from spouse so the relationship with another person does not jeopardize the relationship with the cult leader. I experienced this firsthand in my own cult experience, which was in the Unification Church. A local leader in New York tried to make us more loyal to him than to the leader Moon himself. When this was revealed, the local leader was kicked out. We were told he had been attacked by Satan and therefore we should not have any contact with him. We were sent to a camp in upstate New York to learn to see him as the devil and reinforce our attachment to Moon. Once the golden child became a risk to the leader, he was turned into an evil child.
Another way of minimizing the risk a golden child presents to the leader is to give the golden child a role which other followers not only are impressed by, but also fear. For example, the golden child may be held up as an example of good behavior and assigned the role of teaching others how to be good members. The golden child is often also turned into an informer, reporting to the leader on other members’ behaviors. In the manipulative language of the Moonies, the leader Sun Myung Moon and his wife were called “the True Parents,” and the followers then automatically became their “children”. The informer system was presented as helping “brothers and sisters” to follow the right path, and if they did not, telling “mom or dad” about it by giving the information upwards to the closest leader. Since the goals always are unrealistic, the golden child will always ultimately fail, or at least not reach the leader’s goals. This may lead the leader to put pressure on the golden child to do whatever it takes to achieve results. By now the golden child is often desperate and may use the same behaviors as the leader to punish harshly those who fail or do not obey. In many cases the punishment is a direct instruction. The golden child becomes a punisher, an offender. A golden child knows that if they decline to be an informer or a punisher, the leader will be furious and severely punish what is seen as betrayal. Falling from grace is worse than never having grace. The stakes are higher. The golden child is in a trap. There is no way out. They will be severely punished, possibly become the evil child, or be ostracized or kicked out of the group with nowhere to go since they have probably by now burned all their bridges to the world outside.
The evil child
It is also beneficial for the leader to make followers obedient by setting an example of what happens when they do not obey. This can be done by creating a scapegoat or an “evil child”. The leadership chooses someone to blame for what are really their own mistakes or shortcomings or as a distraction from uncomfortable situations. The leader can take this one more step, by choosing as a scapegoat someone who is loyal and hardworking and does not see the attack coming. This instills fear in everyone–anyone can at any moment with no obvious reason be degraded or even kicked out. In an evil twist, the golden child can be pressured to punish whoever the leader doesn’t like, and the rest will most likely follow, heaping criticism on the designated scapegoat.
How roles change behaviour and self-image
Being assigned a role may also change one’s self-image. In social psychology we learn that we define ourselves by our behaviors. If you can change someone else’s behavior, you can also change their self-image. Someone assigned the role of golden child or a role model, being praised and rewarded, may come to view themselves as superior to other members, as special and chosen (by the leader), the one with good results. Harsh behavior towards others and reporting on their misdeeds are defined as being a good and loyal member which strengthens one’s self-image. You learn to think and act like the leader, regarding your own feelings, needs, and boundaries as expressions of selfishness/ego/demons that you need to try to get rid of. A person assigned the role of evil child or scapegoat may come to believe they are a bad person. I have met people who have been punished psychologically, physically, and socially (criticized or ostracized) by the whim of the leader, and they become desperate to get accepted again. They behave as if they did something terrible to earn humiliation and punishment, which in turn strengthens their self-image as an evil person. To understand this dynamic, it is helpful to apply Robert Cialdini’s principles of influence (Cialdini, 2021). One of these is the principle of reciprocation. First you give a person something, like a favor, or an unsolicited gift—as when a charity sends a free tote bag or calendar. Later you ask for something in return. The charity wants a donation. It will be difficult to turn that request down, since we usually are raised with the understanding that we need to repay what another person has provided. If not, we will feel guilt. This becomes manipulative when something is presented as a favor or a gift, but in fact it is a way to make you feel obligated to say yes to the request as a way of repaying the original gift.
Another principle of influence is that we first induce someone to make a small commitment; then we make a request for a larger commitment. Because humans desire to seem consequent to ourselves and to others, the victim may be more willing to agree to the larger request to be consistent with their prior commitment. The trick is to make the victim change their behaviors in many small steps because small steps are easier to accept. Once you take the first step, a sense of commitment is created which drives us to accept the next request. And the next one. Every step strengthens our commitment, and along with the new behaviors we change our self-image. An example of this is, when I met the Moonies, my first step was to go to an open house, and later sign up for a seven-day camp. When I also signed up for the 21-day camp, my handsome new teacher saw me writing a letter to a friend, looked at me very seriously, and said: “Now that you committed to take this seriously, taking time and energy to write letters is not serious.” In a cultic framework, first you are given attention, love, and a sense of community and acceptance. Later, as you transition from recruit to follower, the leader will ask more and more of you. As you achieve higher standing, you may be used as an example for others—that is, you become a golden child, and may be given the job of punishing followers. You will rationalize your cruel actions as beneficial because they support the leader and reinforce their ideology. Your loyalty to the leader is strengthened, and your bond with others is weakened. All this will impact your self-image. You are ‘helping’ others to do the ‘right’ thing, go to heaven, and avoid hell or being a self-centered person.
Understanding These Roles Can Facilitate Empathy, Forgiveness, and Restored Relationships
In the process of leaving a cultic group and trying to recover, those designated as the good and the evil child may face various difficulties. The roles affect their relationships with other former members, and their relationships with people outside of the group. For example, a person who was always the scapegoat can have the impression that the golden child did not suffer, and may also regard the golden child as evil, thinking that they themselves would never treat someone else in such a cruel way. On the other hand, the person who was the golden child and was forced to punish others can drown in guilt without seeing that they were also a victim. My experience as a therapist is that discussing these roles and understanding their dynamics can be helpful in recovery from a cultic group experience. When former members can see that they were all pawns in a cruel game, they may develop understanding and empathy with each other’s difficulties. The situation is not black and white. Understanding these different roles, those of the cult leader, golden child, and scapegoat, can be a basis for working with shame, guilt, and fear; can facilitate forgiveness; and, in the end, may even facilitate restoration of relationships. Of course, in extreme cases, a relationship may be neither appropriate nor possible. Clients need to build or reclaim their identity and learn to respect their own feelings and boundaries. Forgiveness might not be possible, but at least their story can be more comprehensible.
About the Author: Helena Löfgren is a licensed psychotherapist (CBT) and has a Bachelor of Psychology. She is also a former member of the Unification Church in New York. lofgrensanalys.se
From a message board forum for estranged and alienated parents and grandparents-
For those adult children who have had loving, caring parents and the relationship was previously good, but you’ve taken the advice from people you hardly know and gone no contact, you really need to take a good look at yourselves and the impact you are having on your parents. Estrangement is a killer make no mistake. Parents have ended their lives or become ill and died.
■If you can sit and eat your Christmas dinner knowing your parents are facing the bleakest of days, the problem isn’t them.
■If you can ignore birthdays, Mothers and Father’s Day knowing the pain it will cause, the problem is not them.
■If you can tell your children that your parents are bad people or you simply deny they exist, or if you think you can talk your way through explaining the benefits of cutting your child off from knowing it’s own gene pool and tribal roots, the problem is not your parents.
■If you can snub, ignore, ostracise, dish out the silent treatment on an ongoing basis, sulk and then act as though you are the victim, it’s you that’s the narcissist, not your parents.
■If your parents loved you and did their best yet you can deal with knowing all these things above and yet still continue to hurt your them in this way, the problem isn’t them.
Christmas can be an incredibly difficult period for those who have been bereaved. Adverts, television programmes, and even Christmas music which emphasise love and togetherness around the Christmas tree can really put the boot in if you’re aching with the grief of bereavement.
Christmas is a time of heightened feeling, laden with memories for many of us. Reactions to bereavement differ from person to person. For some grieving people, Christmas can be a very joyful time, in which happy times with lost loved ones can be fondly remembered. But this isn’t always the case. If you’re worried that you’re going to be struggling with grief this Christmas – no matter how long ago your bereavement was – here is some advice on coping with bereavement at Christmas:
SHOULD YOU CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS AFTER A BEREAVEMENT?
The way people treat Christmas following a bereavement differs a lot. Some people worry that it is disrespectful to celebrate a festival like Christmas while mourning, while others think that following the traditions in which the deceased once participated is a good way to honour their memory. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to celebrate Christmas (or not!) after a bereavement. You must do what feels right for yourself and your family. However, it is important not to torture or ‘punish’ yourself by deliberately shunning much-loved festivities (or vice versa).
If you are spending Christmas with other bereaved family members, do be sensitive to the fact that their grief and your grief may be occurring in very different ways. It’s not uncommon for bereaved families to come into conflict over the Christmas period, as family members may differ in their idea of how to respect the deceased during this time. Some may take objection to celebrating Christmas at all, while others may try hard to emphasise the positives of the season. Often, some family members wish to stick rigidly to established festive rituals and routines which others feel will bring up painful memories. If your mode of dealing with Christmas during this time differs from that of your loved ones, do be aware that nobody is trying to disrespect the deceased or to minimise their loss – they’re simply coping with that loss in a different way. Everyone’s grief is valid. If you’re struggling to communicate with your grieving loved ones during this time, a counsellor may be able to help.
HOW CAN YOU MANAGE YOUR GRIEF AT CHRISTMAS?
Don’t wrestle with Christmas pressures. There’s an intense amount of pressure around Christmas – to do certain things, buy certain things, be with certain people. This pressure can be difficult even for those who are not struggling with grief. Don’t cave to any pressures you do not feel will be good for you. If you want to stay home on your own and have a quiet day, you do that. If you’d rather throw a big party for the whole family, you do that, too. But don’t feel that you HAVE to do anything.
Practise self-care. Be kind to yourself. This is not the same as indulging your every whim (although a bit of self-indulgence can help!). It means following a lifestyle which works well for your physical and mental health. Try to keep your sleep patterns regular, eat healthily, and take some exercise every now and again. Christmas can disrupt normal lifestyles and routines significantly, so make a point of taking extra care of yourself during this period.
Remember that you are not alone. A great many people have to struggle with the memories of their loved ones’ passing around this time. Even those who have not lost loved ones close to Christmas will undoubtedly be remembering those who used to join them for Christmas dinner but have since passed on. While it may seem as though everyone else is enjoying a happy time surrounded by perfect, loving families, the truth is that almost everyone will be sparing a thought for absent loved ones during this time.
LONELINESS AT CHRISTMAS AFTER A BEREAVEMENT
If bereavement has left you alone at Christmas, we understand that this can be very hard. Loneliness is a difficult and dangerous thing at the best of times, but it feels particularly brutal at Christmas.
If you are going to be alone for Christmas, and would rather not be, there are options open to you. People or organisations in your local community may be opening their doors for Christmas meals and events. If you are not sure where to look for these, contact Community Christmas, who may be able to help. If you have loved ones but cannot reach them physically for Christmas, a phone call or even a simple card can make the world of difference. Do not be afraid to reach out and ask for company and support. This is the season of goodwill, after all, and people can be very generous with their time and their homes.
Of course, the option of counselling around Christmas is always available to you, should you feel the need.
HOW CAN COUNSELLING HELP WITH GRIEF AND LOSS AT CHRISTMAS?
If you’re worried about grief and loss at Christmas, it can be helpful to speak with an accredited counsellor. Your counsellor will help you to work through your memories, your feelings, and your worries in a safe and supportive way. They may also provide you with strategies which will make the festive period an easier and perhaps even a happier time for you moving forward. Many people find that, as the years pass, Christmas transitions from a time marred by the pain of bereavement to a time of fond reflection, during which happy memories of lost loved ones can be shared and treasured. This transition can be a long process, but counselling from an accredited therapist with whom you have a good rapport can really help you to move this process along.
By expressing strong emotion, adolescents can manipulate their parents.
Children do it all the time. Powerless when refused what they want by a parent, they may signify displeasure by communicating disappointment, hurt, or outrage. What happens next is formatively important, and in most parent/child relationships this response occurs some of the time.
Faced with the child’s sulking, crying, or tantrum, the parent feels regret or remorse for saying “no,” or simply seeks relief from the emotional intensity and so relents. “All right, just this once, you can have it (or do it), since it matters so much to you. Just stop making such a fuss!”
Now the child brightens up, and learns how there is persuasive power in the strong expression of emotion, particularly unhappiness. It can be used to get his way.
In fact, one psychologist, John Narciso (see his book “Declare Yourself,” 1975) called this category of behaviors “get my way techniques.” Another psychologist, Susan Forward, wrote a book about this emotional manipulation (“Emotional Blackmail,” 1997.) In one of my early books, “Keys to Single Parenting” (1996) I called it “emotional extortion.” In counselling, I still call it by that name.
During adolescence, when getting freedom from parents becomes increasingly important, manipulation of parental authority through lying, pretence, and pressuring becomes more common. Emotional extortion can combine all three.
Thus when pleading and argument fail to win a parent over or back a parent down, the tactics of emotional extortion can come into play. The particular emotions exploited vary according to the emotional susceptibility of the parents, but the objective is always the same—to get parents to give in or change their mind.
Remember, from closely observing these adults who have so much power over their lives, children know their parents far better than parents know their children. Children, and particularly adolescents, are expert in the “pushing the buttons” of emotional susceptibility in parents, often using this knowledge in conflict to win their ways. Many children growing up with a parent who is not safe to be around learn this manipulative behavior to survive and must then unlearn it later on, or else they will afflict a significant adult relationship with emotional extortion to their cost. Consider a few of the forms emotional extortion can take.
If a parent is sensitive to approval, then the teenager will express love through appreciation, affection, or pleasing to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “How can I refuse when my teenager, who is usually so hard to get along with, is now acting so nice?”
If a parent is sensitive to rejection, the teenager, loudly or quietly, will express anger through acting offended, injured, or wronged to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand it when my teenager acts like she doesn’t like me.”
If a parent is sensitive to inadequacy, the teenager will express criticism through attacking the parent’s character, caring, or competence to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand being judged a failure in my teenager’s eyes.”
If a parent is sensitive to guilt, the teenager will express suffering through acting unhappy, hurt, or sad to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand feeling responsible for my teenager’s unhappiness.”
If a parent is sensitive to pity, the teenager will express helplessness through acting hapless or resigned to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand feeling sorry for my teenager when she just gives up and acts victimized by whatever decision I’ve made.”
If a parent is sensitive to abandonment, the teenager will express apathy through acting like the relationship doesn’t matter anymore and doesn’t care in order to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand the loneliness when my child acts like there’s no caring for our relationship.”
If a parent is sensitive to intimidation, the teenager may express explosiveness, loudly talking or acting like he’s going to lose physical control and threaten harm to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand being frightened of getting hurt.”
To discourage these manipulations, parents must refuse to play along with the extortion. After all, your adolescent cannot emotionally manipulate you without your permission. You must resist your own susceptibilities to rejection, guilt, intimidation and the like and refuse to let these emotional vulnerabilities influence your decisions.
Give in to these tactics, and you will feel badly about yourself, your teenager, and your relationship, and more important may reluctantly allow what you know is unwise that could cause your adolescent to come to harm. “I know I shouldn’t have let her go. I didn’t want to. But she was so unhappy with me for refusing, I just couldn’t say ‘no.’ And now look at what has happened!”
Parents must not only hold firm in the face of this emotional manipulation, they must hold the teenager to declarative account. Thus when the teenager uses intense anger or suffering to overcome a parental refusal, the parent needs to be able to say and mean: “Acting emotionally upset is not going to change my mind. However, if you want to tell me specifically about why you are feeling so upset, I certainly want to listen to what you have to say.”
Declaration creates understanding, but emotional manipulation creates distrust. At worst, when feelings are expressed for extortionate effect, then the authentic value of those feelings can become corrupted.
Declare what you want or do not want to have happen in specific terms, then discuss and negotiate the disagreement. Do not use the strong expression of emotion to get your way, or you will encourage that extortion from your teenager by your own bad example.
This article does not only apply to children and teenagers, adult children can also behave this way.
Does your adult daughter still throw temper tantrums, make snarky remarks, or give you the silent treatment? If so, you might have an unhealthy parent-child relationship. While it may be the same behavior exhibited during childhood, disrespect from an adult child can feel more hurtful than before—but, it doesn’t mean you have to sit back and take it. In this article, we’re going over all the signs that you have a toxic daughter, plus how to handle her behavior and move forward in the situation.
Things You Should Know
A toxic daughter may blame you for her problems and refuse to take accountability for her actions. To get what she wants, she might make you feel guilty or invalidate your feelings.
To deal with toxic behavior, communicate your boundaries clearly. For example, if your daughter yells at you, you can say, “If you raise your voice, I am going to leave the room.”
If you feel guilty or upset around your daughter, you may have a toxic relationship. If your daughter continues to ignore your boundaries, you may decide to take a step back.
Toxic Daughter Traits
She always criticizes you.
A toxic daughter may say mean things to her parents to make them feel ashamed or humiliated. If your daughter constantly makes unnecessary comments about your age, looks, cooking, behavior, or parenting style, it could be her way of intentionally hurting you.
She doesn’t respect your boundaries
A toxic daughter may not believe in personal space or boundaries, fueling her toxic behavior. Whether she’s always late to meet you or calls you at any given hour (when you’ve asked her not to), this behavior isn’t acceptable for a grown adult—if she continues to act this way, it could harm her relationships with others because she doesn’t care about their time, space, or energy.
She yells at you.
If your daughter raises her voice during an argument, it may be a sign that she’s not emotionally mature. Since she can’t express her emotions in a calm, rational way, the only way to get her point across is to lash out at you (and by overpowering your voice, you may not be able to get a single word in)
She plays the victim.
If your daughter blames you for every problem in her life, she hasn’t learned how to take accountability for her actions. She might say things like, “It’s not my fault,” or “You’re the reason I turned out this way” (even when you don’t have influence over certain situations). By playing the blame game, she’s avoiding her responsibilities as an adult and hindering her personal growth.
She lacks empathy.
If your daughter was neglected or traumatized during childhood, she may be unable to feel or demonstrate empathy as an adult.[5]While this doesn’t justify her behaviour, it could explain why she makes insensitive or cruel comments. Since she can’t put herself in another person’s shoes, she doesn’t know how to work through conflict in a healthy manner (resulting in aggressive or toxic behaviour)
She’s passive-aggressive.
If your daughter gives you the silent treatment or shuts down conversations with a brisk “Whatever,” or “Fine,” she might have unresolved issues with you. Although this doesn’t give her the right to rudely dismiss you, this could be her way of masking her anger or resentment (and the moment you counter her behaviour, she can use it to justify her passive-aggressive actions)
She’s manipulative.
If your daughter doesn’t get what she wants through aggressive tactics, she may begin to act differently in order to take advantage of you. Whether she acts nicer to you than usual or flat-out ignores you, interpret this as a sign of toxic behavior—she’s playing up her emotions to get her way or convince you to do something for her.
She lies to get her way.
If she can’t get what she wants through aggressive or manipulative tactics, a toxic daughter may resort to lying. No matter how big or small the lie, lying is extremely damaging behavior that breaks the foundation for a healthy relationship (and since it’s coming from your child, it feels like an even greater betrayal of trust)
She gaslights you.
A toxic daughter may invalidate her parents’ experiences to make herself feel better—but it’s definitely not okay. Since gaslighting isn’t as obvious as verbally attacking someone, it can be harder to identify, but if your daughter dismisses or minimizes your feelings (to make you feel like you’re always wrong), take it as a sign that you have an unhealthy relationship.
She doesn’t apologize.
A toxic daughter might believe she knows everything, which explains why she rarely or never apologizes. In her mind, she’s always right, and since she’s refusing to acknowledge anyone else’s opinion, it may feel like you’re talking to a brick wall most of the time.
She makes you feel guilty.
A toxic daughter may bring up her parents’ mistakes to justify her behavior. If your daughter constantly reminds you of a past slip-up, it usually means she’s not over the situation. Because there’s not a definitive way to prove your intentions were caring, she likely won’t forgive you until she addresses the pain and trauma within herself.
She verbally attacks you.
Does your daughter frequently insult, criticize, or bully you? If so, it may be a sign that she has no emotional filter. A toxic daughter isn’t afraid to verbally attack her parents because she doesn’t know how to express her emotions properly (or she simply doesn’t care to). Since there’s only so much verbal abuse you can take, you may end up feeling bad about yourself when she’s not around.
She uses others to get what she wants.
If you have grandchildren, your toxic daughter may refuse to let you see them unless you give her what she wants. This is a clear sign of bullying (and bribery), and it can disrupt your entire family dynamic. By using her children as pawns, she’s playing a game to punish and hurt you.
She’s insulting.
A toxic daughter may simply not care about her parents’ well-being. And if she doesn’t respect their opinions or boundaries, it means she’s not afraid to say things that come off as rude or offensive. If your daughter makes insulting comments about you or your partner, interpret it as a sign that you have an unhealthy relationship.
She’s entitled.
Sometimes, a toxic daughter believes she “deserves” everything she desires (and uses this to justify her behavior). If your daughter praises herself when she does the bare minimum or thinks the world revolves around her, it might explain why she’s so hurtful to you—she doesn’t care about anything other than getting what she wants.
She abandons you after marriage.
While it’s understandable for your daughter to prioritize her partner, it’s not normal to be cut off completely after marriage. If your daughter rarely reaches out unless she wants something, it’s definitely a sign that your relationship is toxic (and has become estranged).
Set healthy boundaries.
To protect your well-being, identify toxic behavior you will not accept and communicate your limits in a clear and direct manner. Try to be as concise and specific as possible so your boundary is easy to remember. For example, if your daughter constantly shouts at you, you could say, “I’m not going to listen to you if you don’t speak in a normal tone. If you raise your voice, I’m going to leave the room.
Although it can be hard to set healthy boundaries with your child, no one deserves to be disrespected or attacked. You don’t need a reason to be treated with respect, so be extra compassionate to yourself during this process.
If you’re worried about confrontation, practice the scenario with a trusted friend so you can learn to stay calm in heated situations.[20]
If your daughter disregards your boundaries (and you don’t wish to speak to her in person), it’s perfectly okay to send her an email or text to restate them. You could say, “Since you don’t respect me and continue to insult me, I will no longer accept your calls.
Limit your contact if things don’t get better.
Although you shouldn’t have to change your schedule to avoid your daughter, you might find it’s the most effective way to maintain a peaceful life. Regardless of your relationship, you don’t owe anyone your time and energy, so feel free to leave the room if you don’t want to be near your daughter. Or, give yourself a break and go no-contact for a few months until you’re in a better place.
If you can’t limit physical contact with your daughter, try to limit the emotional energy you spend on her. To protect yourself from negative energy, make a conscious effort to focus on the positive aspects of your life and remind yourself that it’s not your responsibility to “fix” someone.
While it can be hard to avoid your daughter at family gatherings, try to surround yourself with other people so there’s no opportunity for her to corner you. Avoid sharing the details of your relationship to family members you’re not close to—remember that any information can be used against you.
Get support from loved ones.
If you’re struggling to deal with your daughter’s toxic behavior, talk to a trusted family member or friend to help you process your emotions. Remember that you don’t have to go through this experience alone—a loved one can help you navigate your relationship with your daughter and provide emotional support.
If you don’t have a strong support network, seek professional help. A therapist is an unbiased third party who can help you figure out the next steps in the healing process.
If your daughter ignores your boundaries, it may be time to walk away.
At the end of the day, if your daughter continues to attack or belittle you (and you’ve clearly stated your boundaries), you might have to cut ties with her to minimize your pain and suffering. While you can’t control your daughter’s behaviour, you can control if she has access to hurt you, and by distancing yourself, you can begin the road to healing.
Every relationship is different, so there’s no specific timeline to leave a toxic situation. The decision to walk away is extremely brave and difficult, so reflect on how you feel around your daughter and ask yourself what’s holding you back.
When leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, be sure to set up an exit strategy with your friends and family. Accept that you may feel guilty at first, but remain firm in your decision.
Remember that cutting contact with your daughter doesn’t have to be forever. When she’s ready to address and change her behavior, she can reach out to you to repair your relationship.
When adult children still choose the abuser over the loving alienated parent.
There’s nothing quite as powerful as your bond with your parent, even if their ‘parenting’ is rife with lies, greed, neglect and abuse.
Perhaps it was hubris, perhaps it was naivete, but when a loving parent was finally able to tell their (now) adult children the truth after years of Parental Alienation and all their complaints, they expected them to react much differently than they did.
In their position, I would’ve been hungry for the truth. Horrified at the blatant lies of the abusive parent and relieved to embrace the proof the loving parent provided. It would’ve formed a cohesive Big Picture for me.
That’s not how their step-children behaved at all.
They listened politely and said ‘uh-huh’ in a convincing manner. They gathered as much data about the loving parent’s personal lives and finances as they could eke out. They won their trust by telling horrific stories of the abusive parent’s neglect and abuse. Stories that left the loving parent weeping too hard to even speak.
As far as they could tell, at long last they were all on the same page. Truth and love had triumphed over lies and abuse. There was justice in the world after all. the loving parent was vindicated and the adult children seemed happy to have a loving relationship with their parent again. The loving parent enjoyed hearing about their lives and sharing wisdom.
Maybe that was their mistake. As we all do, their children recreated the horror of their childhoods in their choice of partners and lifestyle. the loving parent’s advice for their safety and happiness seemed to fall on deaf ears. Again they said ‘uh-huh’ and did exactly the opposite.
Apparently, it irritated them more than they intimated as, en masse they returned to their lying, abusive parent and betrayed all the loving parent’s confidences. I guess their loyalty was always with the one who exploited them and caused them so much pain. Once again, the loving parent is being called a liar. To say that they feel betrayed and hoodwinked is the understatement of the millennia. Again, they wept.
There was no inkling that they were anything other than delighted, even desperate, to forge a loving adult friendship with their parent after years of Parental Alienation.
Then it was all over. There was no hint, no warning. One day the loving parent was dispensing parental advice and the next, they wanted nothing to do with them. It was as though they had somehow gotten stuck in an infinite time loop, reliving the horror of Parental Alienation again.
Personally, I believe the abusive parent bribed them. They love money more than life itself.
This time the Parental Alienation is different as the children have chosen it of their own free wills as adults. Although saddened, the loving parent’s heart is surprisingly light and, more importantly, their consciences are clear.
They did the right thing and, as the saying goes, ‘water will find its own level’. I guess the adult children enjoy embracing lies. If that’s their level…!
It may sound harsh but the loving parent has decided they will not be giving their children another opportunity to be a part of their life. ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me’. They have not changed. Their abusive parent raised them to spy on the loving one, behaving lovingly to their face but despicably behind their back. Adulthood changed nothing. All grown children have chosen to remain the same in adulthood as they were as teenagers.
The loving parent did their best. They were honest, loving and supportive. If their children don’t want a parent like that at their weddings and cuddling their grandchildren, then it’s their funeral. the loving parent will no longer try to connect with them nor accept their advances. It’s over.
If you are alienated from your children, I hope you too will be reconciled one day. I hope it goes better for you than it went for this parent. But forewarned is forearmed: your Happily Ever After may turn to ashes to.
Please note that this can and often continues when the children become adults.
In Part 1 of this post, I began exploring some of the reasons why kids may side with a man who abuses their mother, especially if he’s their father. We looked in particular at kids’ desperate desire to feel safe – and it feels safer to be on the abuser’s team — and their desire to escape the pain of injustice, which they can do by deciding that Mom deserved what she got.
There are a few additional causes that are as important as the ones I examined in Part 1.
Manipulation By the Abuser
Tragically, most abusers have strong manipulative skills, particularly if they are well-educated. (Yes, the more educated the abuser is, the more psychological damage he can do to kids. But the courts, especially the custody courts, love a well-educated batterer.)
The collection of manipulative tactics they use is endless, so I’ll give just a few examples:
Get Mom upset when she’s trying to spend good time with the kids.
The abuser especially loves to do this at key times, like birthdays or Christmases or the end of a hard day.
His goal is to create the impression in the children that “Mom is just always upset about something,” casting her as hysterical and moody. He sets it up to make it look as though she’s the one who ruined good times that he actually ruined. You can start to feel like you almost never get to have those close moments, because he always messes them up.
Undermine her appropriate efforts to set limits.
Dad comes out looking like he’s the fun parent while Mom is the strict one. This dynamic gets worse after the parents split up, because once he starts to have the children alone with him he can get away with doing whatever he wants – which often means letting them get away with doing whatever they want.
The custody court is two-faced on this issue. They’ll declare that parents need to provide a united front for the children; but then when Mom points out that Dad is destroying her maternal authority by letting the kids run wild at his house, the court turns condescending and says to her, “Part of divorce is accepting that each parent is going to have a different parenting style.”
As if the problem had anything to do with “different parenting styles”! The custody courts are the absolute kings and queens of euphemism. They really can’t get it that a domestic abuser loves to destroy the mother’s parental authority?
Of course, at the times when the abuser is mad at the kids he switches into his other personality, sometimes turning outright cruel in his punishments, such as not letting kids go to events that are hugely important to them. Mr. Nice Guy simply disappears when he doesn’t like the way someone is standing up to him, and the real abuser comes out. But the trauma that he causes at these times actually works to his advantage, tragically, because it makes his nice times seem even more dazzling to his (wounded) children.
Lying
Good manipulators are good liars, and the domestic abuser lies and lies and lies. It’s overwhelming to kids – unbearable, really – to accept the fact that one of their parents is routinely and deliberately dishonest with them. It makes the world feel too scary. So children tend to convince themselves that what he’s saying must be true, even when deep down inside they know it isn’t. As the years go by, the children feel more and more confused about what’s real and what isn’t. And they start to pull away from Mom emotionally because of all the bad things they are being told about her, some of which make her sound absolutely awful.
The custody courts get sick of Mom always saying what a liar Dad is, but it’s the court’s own fault, because they refuse to look into what she’s telling them. If they would bother to check it out, they could easily see that she’s right. (I know how easy it is, because I used to do custody investigations for courts myself, and 90% of the time I could find out which parent was telling the truth by making even the most minimal effort to examine the evidence; but most court personnel, and court-appointed personnel, refuse to do so, and just choose to believe the abuser instead.)
Control the kids’ access to what they want.
For example, he takes various steps to keep Mom financially broke, then he gets a nice house and buys the children all kinds of things. He looks generous and Mom looks stingy.
Next, he reaches out to relatives of Mom’s and kisses up to them. The next thing you know, the kids are seeing their maternal cousins through him instead of through Mom. (Yes, I run into cases like this over and over again; more on this below.)
Then he tells teenagers he’ll buy them a car, but only if they come to live primarily with him.
And on and on it goes. He keeps setting it up so that he’s the pathway to the things that they desire in life.
I could write a whole book just about how abusive men manipulate kids. But the above examples capture some of the key dynamics that they set up.
Using Societal Messages to His Advantage
The predominant culture in the U.S. and across much of the globe, teaches that:
* Mom’s have the primary responsibility for kids, including for keeping them safe.
* Dads are to be admired if they make any significant contribution to child rearing (in other words, mothers and fathers are judged by entirely different standards, including by the courts).
* Mothers are hysterical and worry too much about nothing.
* Kids can’t turn out okay without a father, especially not boys. They need their father no matter how abusive he is or how absent he has been.
I get so sick of movie after movie (there are dozens of them) where the father is terrible to his children — through some combination of severe neglect and outright mistreatment — and then he finally comes through for his kids years later and we’re supposed to think that’s so wonderful and touching. But find me a single movie where a mother disappears for years (by choice) and then the audience is made to feel moved by the fact that she decided to show up again; I doubt you can do it.
Kids see these movies and they absorb the unhealthy message, along with all the other ones from the list above. And the abuser actively encourages these twisted, sexist values.
Children also can’t help absorbing the powerful reality that in modern society men have far more power than women do. So siding with the abuser doesn’t just put you on the winning side within your own family’s power dynamic, it puts you on the privileged side in the world. This reality is especially seductive for boys, who see that becoming like their abusive Dad opens for them a whole world that they can exploit.
Using Toxicity that Already Exists in the Family Tree
Let’s face it, most family trees have their own issues with addiction, domestic violence, greed, child sexual abuse, narcissism, and other toxic patterns. I’ve rarely talked to anyone who didn’t have at least some of these serious problems present in a few key relatives, and for some people the family tree is riddled with them. (And this is true whether your family tree is rich or poor, formally educated or not, from this culture or from that culture.)
The abuser often builds allies by connecting to toxic individuals among the relatives. He especially loves it when he can build relationships with toxic relatives of Mom’s, and thereby use her own people against her.
The custody courts just eat this one up. They’ll say to Mom, in a tone of contempt, “Your own parents, and one of your sisters as well, have told us that you’re the problem.” Have they bothered to look into what these people are like? Of course not. If they did, they’d find out exactly why these people would side with a man who was abusing their daughter or their sister. (This precise dynamic comes up in my book In Custody.)
These unholy alliances can influence children. The message from Dad, whether actually spoken aloud or not, is, “See how I get along with everyone, while Mom is refusing to speak to several of them?”
Fortunately these maneuvers are much harder to pull off when the Mom has a healthier family tree, and it’s even better if the abuser himself has pretty healthy relatives. But I talk to a lot of mothers who weren’t even aware of how much toxicity there was among their own relatives until they started to see people lining up behind the abuser. And in our times, when there’s been so much public indoctrination teaching people that kids will have ruined lives if they don’t have a father, the abuser can get a lot of mileage by going around crying to the relatives, “All I’m asking is to be able to play a role in my children’s lives.” And their hearts just bleed for him.
Men who care about their children don’t abuse the children’s mother. The damage that it does to children when you abuse their mother is so obvious that you simply can’t miss it — unless you really only care about yourself. The notion that a man can abuse the mother of his children but still be a good father is absurd; abusing a mother is the positive definition of terrible fathering.
But good luck getting toxic relatives – or the custody courts, which currently are as toxic as your worst relatives – to see that obvious fact.
Research suggests that all kids lie, but parents and schools play a role.
Children lie.
When, how, and why do they develop this unpleasant habit? There is a considerable amount of evidence suggesting that most children first begin to lie around the ages of two or three. Anyone who has been around young little liars know that they aren’t particularly skilful deceivers at that age.
Their lies are far-fetched, inconsistent with the evidence, or change dramatically over time. While they seem to understand the concept of planting a false belief in another’s mind, they just haven’t yet figured out the best ways to execute the dishonesty.
One can view lying as a complex cognitive and social task. In order to tell an effective lie, a child needs to understand that their goal is different from the goal of someone else.
They also need to understand that other people can have different beliefs than their own (this is referred to as theory of mind). They need to be able to create and present a narrative that causes others to form a false belief. They need to selectively present the narrative in such a way that it is consistent with tangible evidence that is available and is also plausible.
And finally, they need to conceal the truthful information that they have. Each of these capabilities is not something that children are born with. Rather, they are mental faculties that develop over time. As with all developmental milestones, not all children begin lying at the same age, and they are not all equally adept liars.
Interestingly, until children develop a theory of mind or the understanding that other people have separate minds, wants, and beliefs, they do not lie. It seems that once they come to understand that other people can hold different beliefs, they begin to capitalize on that understanding, attempting to create false beliefs in the minds of others.
In one fascinating study by an international group of research psychologists in China, Canada, and the U.S., the researchers closely examined this link between theory of mind and lying in children. The researchers gathered a large group of three-year-olds who had not yet shown any propensity to lie. The researchers confirmed that the children had not yet learned to lie by placing them in situations where a simple lie would allow them to gain a reward. None of the children lied.
In the next phase of the study, the researchers taught some of the children about theory of mind. Through a series of training exercises, they taught the kids that people can hold beliefs different from their own and that sometimes these beliefs are incorrect.
Next, they brought all of the children back and again placed them in situations where lying would allow the children to gain a reward (a sticker that they indicated was their favorite). It turned out that children who had received the theory of mind training lied the majority of the time, whereas the children who did not receive the training remained largely honest. Thus, it seems that an understanding of theory of mind seems to launch us into our lifelong patterns of deception.
It may not come as a surprise that the environment in which a child is reared influences their propensity to lie. In a study carried out by Jennifer Lavoie and others, researchers examined how different types of social indoctrination in the home influences children’s lying behaviour.
What the researchers found is that all parents tend to instruct their children not to lie, yet all children seem to lie. More interestingly, they found that some parents’ attitudes about lying were more permissive than others.
These permissive parents told their children that while lying is wrong, sometimes it is necessary. The children of the more permissive parents turned out to lie significantly more often. Thus, parental attitudes about lying seem to have a large influence on how dishonest children are.
Instead of simply instructing children that lying is wrong, Victoria Talwar and her colleagues found that the form of instruction was particularly important. In their study, they examined the effects that fables and stories about honesty had on children.
Their findings suggest that using such stories was an effective tool for teaching children about lying and promoting honesty. However, they found that stories with more punitive anti-lying themes, such as “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” did not reduce lying, while stories that focused on the positive aspect of honesty, such “George Washington and the Cherry Tree,” did promote greater levels of honesty in children.
This means that if we want our children to be honest, we need to promote the benefits of honesty rather than focusing on the costs of dishonesty.
One additional feature of the home life that influences children’s deception is the presence of older siblings in the home.
Kids who have older siblings learn to tell lies at an earlier age than those who lack an older brother or sister. Children are keen observational learners, picking up skill by simply watching those around them.
It may be that an older sibling who has already mastered the art of deception serves as a mentor or guide in deception to their younger siblings.
Child development is also influenced by the educational environment. When researchers studied the honesty of children who attended schools that were very punitive, compared to schools that were more permissive with their students, they found that children from the more punitive schools were much more effective liars.
The researchers argued that being in a punitive environment effectively facilitates learning the skills needed to avoid punishment, such as lying.
As children develop, they internalize a belief system about the morality of dishonesty. Developmental psychologists have found that very young children tend to hold very rigid moral attitudes about lying. They see lying as being categorically wrong in all cases.
However, as children reach the age of 10, their views begin to change. Moving from 10 to 18, children begin to develop a more nuanced attitude about lying, in which the rightness or wrongness of a lie depends on the outcomes that it produces. They begin to view lies told to protect the feelings of others as morally acceptable. Essentially, their moral attitudes about lying come to resemble those of adults.
Taken together, all of the evidence seems to paint a clearer picture of when, why, and how children lie. It looks as if children start off quite honest, but that honesty is tied to a self-centered belief that their mental experiences are the only ones that exist. Once they come to see that others are capable of having different beliefs, they begin to use lies to trick people.
It also seems clear that while all children learn to lie, the socialization they are exposed to at home and at school influences the degree to which they practice lying. All children lie, and trying to stamp out lying altogether may be a fool’s errand. Parents may be well-advised to accept that their kids lie, and focus their efforts on shaping the frequency and types of lies that their children tell.
Taking The Helm 