by Barrie Davenport
Image – Imbix Bustle
Mothers tend to see their daughters through the lens of unconditional love instead of owning up to the clear signs of a bad mother-daughter relationship.
Having a toxic daughter isn’t about assigning blame.
Understanding a Toxic and Mean Daughter
For every positive trait a mother tries to instill in a daughter, there’s an ugly side. A mother who spoils a child could be furiously complaining, “My daughter treats me with contempt!”
Let’s start with the obvious: you are not a bad mom. You did the best you could with what information you had. But where is all that toxicity coming from?
Mental Health Issues: One in five adults lives with a mental illness. 20% of children with ADHD are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all until adulthood. A chemical imbalance in the brain could be a sickness wrongly identified as toxic.
Independence: Mothers struggle to balance raising an independent child and “helicopter parenting” their kids. A daughter who feels she doesn’t have the space to grow on her own will resent her mother for getting in the way.
Friendship vs. Parenting: Mothers who try to be their daughter’s best friend are bad at establishing boundaries. This sends the daughter into the adult world feeling entitled to whatever she wants
Neglect: A child who doesn’t think their needs are being met or their cries for help aren’t heard can resent their parents.
13 Heartbreaking Toxic Daughter Signs
Approach this list with an open mind and a place of self-awareness. Some toxic habits could’ve been learned in your home, while others could be societal influences.
Then there’s the generational gap that always fuels a fiery relationship. These are not excuses. These are discussion points.
1. She’s Immature
The 18th birthday only makes you an adult in the eyes of the law. Turning 21 doesn’t have a magic transition to a fully independent adult, either.
The more your teenager relied on you for guidance, finances, and life skills, the more she will depend on that into adulthood.
If she’s coming to you with the expectation you will still do things for her, despite your efforts to teach, she’s in toxic trouble that will impact every corner of her life.
2. She Likes Someone Else’s Mom Better
Whether it’s her new mother-in-law or the mother of her best friend, toxic daughters can make their own mothers feel like crap when they are constantly praising another mother.
While you are left with memories of staying awake with her seven nights straight when she had the flu, she wishes you were more stylish “like Jessica’s mom.”
When a daughter is directly or indirectly comparing you to someone else, you really need to figure out the line between your sensitivity and her toxicity.
3. She’s Bossy
We know, we know – calling someone “bossy” isn’t politically correct anymore. It feels like such a betrayal when you raised a daughter to have a strong voice, and now she’s telling you what to do like you’re a hired helper.
As with any pushy, bossy, or dominating personality, you control how much they get away with it.
When toxic levels of pushiness extend to disrespecting wait staff, parking attendants, or strangers in public, you’ll really see how she lacks respect and empathy for other people.
4. She’s Obsessed with Herself
Raise your hand if you’ve ever said, “I’m so glad social media wasn’t around when I was a teenager!” When your daughter is too focused on herself, she won’t care who she hurts along the way to the next selfie.
She can even twist that pushiness and immaturity onto you as she tears down your makeup routine or fashion choices.
Self-obsession can be formed in childhood with constant praise from parents and the social circle that demanded a picture-perfect lifestyle. Extremely toxic egotistical daughters will even tear others down to put themselves higher on their own pedestal.
5. She Plays You Against Your Husband or Ex
A daughter who uses her manipulative techniques to get her way can play one parent off the other. She might outright call you on the carpet in front of your hubby or secretly tell her dad that you are being mean to her.
Keep in mind your daughter has built up this practice over the years, and it’s not a trait that will go away on its own.
Toxic goes into overload when she outright tells you she likes her dad/mum or step-dad/step-mum better than you.
She might even treat you poorly while praising your husband, making you wonder if you did something wrong.
6. She Doesn’t Respond to You
It’s been days, and your daughter hasn’t called or texted you back. You are torn between being hurt and wondering if this is the start of a Lifetime Movie, “My Daughter Is Missing.”
She could up the ante by answering the phone when you call with a hefty sigh and demanding you don’t respect her busy schedule.
It’s normal for a daughter not to have the same time to spend with you as she transitions to the adult world. It’s not normal to act like she doesn’t see you in the grocery store.
7. She Got Married and Divorced You
As if your daughter leaving the nest wasn’t hard enough, now she’s married and busier than ever. It’s especially challenging for a mom who spent months planning the wedding with her daughter (if they havent already married without your knowledge).
A daughter who dismisses a mother after getting married likely lacks empathy and is too self-absorbed to know that it hurts.
A mother can also have a hard time letting go during this transition. Your new son-in-law could also be more controlling than you realized.
She could be separating herself from the reliance on you and your (awesome) advice.
8. She Makes You Feel Stupid
The power of the eye rolls when parents ask kids about TikTok could fuel New York City for two days. Toxic daughters have no interest in helping parents learn about trending technology.
They seem to forget how it took them six months to tie their dang shoes while you patiently helped.
A toxic daughter will make no qualms about embarrassing a mother at every opportunity, mostly to make herself look better. If she keeps doing it even when you’ve been honest about how you feel, she’s toxic times two.
9. She’s Always the Victim
Your daughter comes crying to you that she got fired for “only” being late to work five times in the past month. She might even blame you for not teaching her how to change a flat tire and “she almost died” when her car broke down late at night.
A mother’s nature is to calm and coddle an upset daughter, but you could just be feeding the beast. She gets extra toxic points if you become the enemy when you disagree with her latest victim volume of social posts.
10. She’s a Liar
As an adult, your daughter is far beyond claiming her eyes are red because of allergies and not the joint she smoked at a party.
Toxic daughters lie for many reasons – to get their way, to gain an advantage, to play to your sense of guilt, and to avoid talking about a topic.
Toxic daughters who lie will only keep doing it if it benefits them. By confronting her, you do run the risk of her giving you the silent treatment.
11. She’s Overly Emotional
You’ve been given the silent treatment before, so you’re likely not too upset about that. Suppose your daughter’s emotions are always toxic, and every discussion ends with her yelling, crying, or slamming your cabinets.
In that case, she’s definitely lacking respect for you and dealing with some mental health issues.
You should also examine how often her emotional outbursts get her to manipulate you. You can’t control her reaction, but you can control your response.
12. She Has an Addictive Personality
Overachieving daughters likely have a knack for becoming obsessed or addicted to the chemical rush of something positive.
That tenacity was great when she was studying for the LSAT, but her addictive behaviours can also lead to eating disorders, substance abuse, and loss of reality.
Especially if her addictive personality pairs with an overly emotional mindset, you could experience her wrath when you ask simple questions about sudden weight loss or slurred speech.
13. She Never Apologizes
You’ve likely made some motherhood mistakes that you’ve beaten yourself up over for years.
Mothers are quick to apologize, even if it’s not their direct fault. Toxic daughters feed into this by assuming mom is always to blame and escape any fight without owning up to their role.
Even if your daughter will make up with you after a fight, ensure you get the apology before you part ways. If she refuses to apologize, her toxic trait could be as permanent as that tattoo you don’t know about.
Taking The Helm 