Category: Cult Behaviour

How to Stop Enabling, Abusive, Narcissistic, Entitled Adult Children

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

(This person says it how it is, it may be ‘tough talking’ here, but they are right!)

(Image- Psychmechanics)

I thought I’d share this. Many of us deal with these types of not-quite-right adult children.

Narcissistic adult children demand you do what they want, try to control you, push every boundary, throw temper tantrums, blackmail you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, try to bribe you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blame their behaviour on you.

Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else. They say your job is to make them happy. They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.

What a nasty and unending list. If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt. You don’t deserve to be used and abused. You don’t owe them anything anymore. Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.

Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more. They think they’re entitled to whatever they want. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious. They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault. Their justifications will last forever.

I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children. There’s no hope down that path. Stop meddling and enabling them. These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.

The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact. Don’t debate or argue about who’s right. Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves. Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your future because, really, you are taking your life back. Now you can enjoy the rest of your life. You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.

Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications. But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry. Your life will shrivel up like a prune.

If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now. With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in. And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums. And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want. And nothing is for free.

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

By Ben at Bullies Be Gone

Psychological Impact on Children raised in Cults

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, SuicideLeave a comment

by Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy.

Indoctrination from an Early Age

The indoctrination of children in cults differs from that of adults in that children are extremely vulnerable to adult influence – the people they look up to, especially their parents. Children’s brains are still developing, and they are like sponges, absorbing the world around them, the world of adults who create the environment they exist in. A child will absorb the world view of those around them and accept this as their reality because this is all they have known.

The Cult Leader’s Demands Always Comes First

In cults, the cult leader or doctrine always takes priority over anything else. The child who grows up in a cult will never be the centre of attention in their parent’s world because they will most likely be totally self-absorbed with the cult leader and the cult demands. These demands are usually great and unattainable because the leader is likely to be highly perfectionistic, insatiable, and persecutory of those who do not meet their ideals. Moreover, a cult leader will employ fear tactics with their disciples and keep them in a state of perpetual adoration towards them and shame towards themselves. In this state of fear, shame and total preoccupation with another, there is no room for the age-appropriate demands of a child who actually needs their parent’s care and attention.

“Have No Needs”

A child who grows up in a cult learns to have no needs because they quickly learn that they do not matter. To survive in the cult and gain some crumbs of attention from their parents, they will have no choice but conform to the leader’s demands, try to fit in as much as possible and override their natural developmental needs. This means the child will miss out on normal stages of development, if not also on education and normal peer interactions because of the insular and isolated nature of most cults.

Isolation and Abuse

Sending a child to school means interacting with the outside world, which most cults find threatening. Depending on how isolated a cult becomes, they will supply their own schooling, have children interact only with other cult children and make sure there is no outside influence that could lead the child to question their upbringing.

Keeping a child isolated from society also makes them vulnerable to abuse – sexual, physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological. Isolated groups create their own rules and decide what is right or wrong. In the cult I grew up in for instance, children and teenagers were conveniently seen and treated as adults.  This meant that we were required to work long hours, worship and meditate with the adults. This also meant that schooling was minimal and there was no age-appropriate censorship to adult-only stuff. The cult leader – a self-proclaimed enlightened master – was seen as an expert in raising children, despite him not having any children himself or knowing anything about child development. If the cult leader condones inappropriate, harmful, or even criminal behaviour, then his disciples collude because all that matters is what the leader thinks. His truth matters above all truths, and they are always above societal rules and norms, including the law. Under these circumstances, children are extremely vulnerable to predators.

The Objectification of Children

In cults, children are either seen as an inconvenience or used as means for growing the cult. In both situations, children are seen as objects and not encouraged to develop their own identity. In cults, nothing is in the best interest of a child. Everything is in the best interest of the leader and the organisation. Despite this well-known fact, cult leaders will make it seem that everything they do is for your good and the good of your children, even if there is plenty of evidence to the opposite (see ‘Gaslighting’ below). They will make you quash your doubts, question your sanity, and give up everything you have, including your children, in the service of “the greater good”. This “greater good” has very few winners, which are usually the leader and his inner circle.

Gaslighting

A central feature of cults is gaslighting – a term coined from the movie ‘Gaslight’ where it a young woman is manipulated by her husband into believing that she is descending into insanity. Cults do this on a large scale, which is designed to keep its disciples or followers in a state of perpetual doubt about their opinions and follow the opinions and ideas of the cult leader. It is an exercise in maintaining power over others and abdicating any responsibility for one’s actions. For instance, in the cult I grew up in the self-proclaimed enlightened master would attribute all personal suffering to his disciples and never take any responsibility. This extended to the sexual, financial, and psychological exploitation of ‘his people’ including children. When questioned, he would say that you had not surrendered to him enough and that this was your reason for suffering.

Leaving

When the child grows up and is lucky enough to leave the cult, they will have to contend with a long process of rebuilding or recovering their own identity. Everything that they are has been attributed to the cult or exists because of the cult. Sometimes, when a former child choses to leave, their family will want nothing to do with them. Or they may need to cut contact with their family to survive psychologically.

The Recovery Process

Cult recovery is a long and challenging process which requires the right support. Finding a group of like-minded individuals who share similar backgrounds is advisable, as well as finding a therapist who is experienced and knowledgeable about this type of work. Explaining to people what you have gone through is never easy. Former cult members and those who grew up in cults can feel a lot of shame about their past and have difficulty articulating what they have been through. Most people lack an appreciation of what it is like to live in a high control group and its effects.

Regaining One’s Mind and Setting Boundaries

Those who were born or grew up in cults will often need to learn or re-learn how to live in society. Although cults range in terms of how isolated and restricted their members are, the indoctrination of children is so deep that it will take a very long time to regain their own mind, learn to think for themself and have their own opinions. This extends to knowing one’s own preferences, wishes and needs. Because having own thoughts and opinions was frowned upon or even dangerous, it takes time to regain a sense of safety in doing normal things, having personal preferences, and even feeling entitled to personal space. Growing up in an environment where nothing belongs to you, all the thinking is done for you and personal space is not a thing, has big implications in later life when it comes to setting personal boundaries.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Superviser. She is experienced in working with the psychological impact of high-control groups and cults on individuals, families and organisations. She has also spoken about her personal experience of growing up in a cult in recent public interviews.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

Do ‘Flying Monkeys’ Ever See The Truth?

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Flying Monkeys Wizard of Oz

Flying monkeys facilitate the narcissist’s abusive behaviour by buying into their warped reality, supporting them and even doing their dirty work for them. Do flying monkeys ever see the truth of what they’re involved in and inadvertently cause?

As the narcissist uses other people to collect information and spread false rumours for them, this enables the narcissist to keep their public image clean. They also use flying monkeys to illustrate their own false reality where they are the victim and the actual victim is painted as the perpetrator.

Going through the throes of narcissistic abuse is hard enough to acknowledge and deal with, without having to contend with an army of the narc’s groupies inflicting further abuse and pain.

I know just how devastating it is because I’ve been through it myself, multiple times with multiple narcissists throughout my life. I can also tell you that you do not need to fear the narcissist’s flying monkeys because there are solutions you can arm yourself with.

So, do flying monkeys ever see the truth about the abusive role they are playing with the narcissist? The answer is a little more complicated than just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’

What are the Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys?

I’m sure we’ve all seen the classic movie The Wizard of Oz at least once in our childhoods. Do you remember the scenes where the Wicked Witch would send off those winged monkeys to do her bidding?

Well, the term ‘flying monkeys’ has since been adopted by psychologists and people in the narc community, directly based around the evil witch’s troop of monkeys.

Essentially the term flying monkeys was coined to describe the people in the narcissist’s life and your life who the narc engages to do their dirty work for them.

The object of the game is to use others to rewrite history, so that the narcissist can paint themselves in the light they want to be seen in (despite the truth) and to destroy you and everything you hold dear.

In fact what flying monkeys engage in is known as abuse by proxy.

Who can be a narcissist’s flying monkey?
  • Friends
  • Family members
  • Work colleagues
  • Members of the community
  • Mutual acquaintances
  • Even your hairdresser if they think it can benefit them!

Once a relationship with a narcissist comes to an end, they will do anything to make themselves appear to be the poor victim. Their ego must defend its False Self at all costs and will seek to destroy you in the process.

They will tell people that you did all of the things that they actually did (cheat, lie and steal just to name a few of their atrocities).

They will get in first with your own friends and family and completely rewrite the storyline of what actually happened. This will all be done before you’ve had a chance to breath, let alone confide in those who you thought you could trust.

Now you find out that those very people are turning against you, not only believing what the narcissist has told them, but actively helping them to work against you!

The narcissist won’t stop there in their conquest to annihilate you, they may even get authorities and the legal system on their warpath to wipe you out. If they can desecrate your reputation and destroy your career at the same time, they will.

Flying Monkey

A flying monkey is anyone the narcissist uses for the purpose of strengthening their own agenda. Flying monkeys often enable the narcissist’s storyline and behaviour, as well as do their dirty work for them, which allows the narcissist to keep their own reputation intact.

Flying Monkeys are the Narcissist’s minions!

Types of Flying Monkeys

Narcissists will pick up on the dominant traits in someone who could be a potential flying monkey and assign them tasks accordingly.

BENEVOLENT FLYING MONKEYS

Benevolent flying monkeys are generally vulnerable, empathetic people who will more easily justify a narcissist’s behaviour based on compassion and always seeing the good in people. This type of flying monkey doesn’t intend to cause harm but is easily manipulated.

  • Empaths
  • Meddlers
  • Wimps

MALEVOLENT FLYING MONKEYS

As you can guess, malevolent flying monkeys are those who intentionally harm and even gain satisfaction from it. Other narcissists are often involved in this group of flying monkeys because it makes them feel powerful and scores them some points with another narcissist, who they obviously see value in.

  • Sadists
  • Narcissists/ Sociopaths
  • Psychopaths
Why do narcissists use flying monkeys?

It’s important to understand that when you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re not levelling with a sane, rational, healthy person.

The narcissist is 100% controlled by their ego, which is constantly creating false versions of themselves. All of these facades act to hide the truth of who there are from the world around them.

The ego is driven by all of the lower vibrational aspects of the human experience. Lying, cheating, stealing and manipulating are all amongst the ego/ narcissist’s everyday tools for moving through life.

When they were very young and went through some kind of impactful trauma, they subconsciously severed the connection to their own true self to the point of no return. They felt that to be vulnerable, have empathy and be a loving human being was just too painful and dangerous.

What they are left with is their ego in full control of their lives.

The ego has no conscience and will happily manipulate, coerce and play games to get whatever it wants. It must always uphold the image of how it wants to be seen, rather than the truth of what it really is (a deceitful, unconscious entity).

And the icing on the cake is that the ego refuses to take accountability for its wrongdoings and the trail of destruction it causes in the process.

In fact, in the distorted reality of the ego-driven narcissist, they genuinely believe that they are the victim, with you being the doer of all the bad things.

You’re probably pulling your hair out trying to understand how on Earth can the narcissist truly believe that they have done nothing wrong!?

Given that the narcissist is truly incapable of acknowledging their own inner wounds, they will continue to be unaccountable for their behaviour as a result of those wounds.

To justify their actions, they need to see other people as being the cause of their behaviour, rather than it actually being themselves as a result of their own deep hurts.

How do they do this? Through projection and creating false storylines.

When a narcissist projects the very things that they are doing onto you or anyone else, they are literally superimposing that image onto the other person. Now, when the narcissist looks at them, they truly do see the other person playing out what they have actually played out themselves.

This is the crux of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and what makes it a mental condition, which you cannot fix, heal or change.

So, in their fractured existence, all of their behaviour is completely justified. The punishments, smearing and abuse you receive at the hands of the narcissist and their flying monkeys is all that’s needed to rationalise their ego’s version of events.

Narcissists use flying monkeys in the discard phase to control the public storyline and evade accountability.

Bringing this back to why narcissists use flying monkeys is simple. For them to see and believe a false storyline is one thing, but for it really to play out across the board, they need recruits.

Narcissists will use flying monkeys to enact DARVO, which is a psychological and emotional abuse tactic.

Deny the abuse ever happened
Attack the person who’s confronting the abuse
Reverse the roles of…
Victim and
Offender

They will tell all of their lies to anyone who will listen and anyone who they deem as being a useful tool in their agenda.

Yep, the narcissist can literally build an army of minions to hunt you down and attack, all to build up their false scenario.

If they can get the flying monkeys to do their bidding in a way that keeps the narcissist looking clean, even better. Then they can wipe their hands and claim to have had nothing to do with it.

So, do flying monkeys ever see the truth of what they’re involved in? Let’s dig in and find out.

Do Flying Monkeys Ever See the Truth?
Do flying monkeys know what they are doing?

Narcissists are great at observing people and working out whether they’d be easy to manipulate or not.

As hard as it is to fathom, the narcissist was probably sizing up your friends and family right from the very beginning. They’re constantly collecting data on who they could drop seeds of info to that will believe their plight, which will inevitably strengthen their agenda along the way.

Remember, to a narcissist, everyone is merely an object to be used for their own selfish gain.

People who are empathetic, vulnerable, gullible or even narcissistic themselves are all people the narc will fix their crosshairs on. These are the types of people who are either compassionate, easily pliable or eager to knock others down.

By the time you’ve broken up and the narcissist is using mutual people in your lives to gather info on you, smear you or even outright attack you, they’ve already been well primed.

Those people have probably only ever seen the narcissist’s false public image, not the one you know from behind closed doors.

The narcissist is extremely convincing in their storytelling and will go to great lengths to make it all sound plausible.

At the end of the day, the flying monkeys believe the narcissist is the poor victim at your hands. They believe that they are doing the right thing in trying to bring you to justice.

Flying Monkey Roles:

  • Gather info to take back to the narcissist
  • Gossip and spread rumours
  • Enable the narcissist’s behaviour
  • Buy the narcissist’s stories
  • Intimidate, hassle and attack on behalf of the narcissist

Do flying monkeys ever see the truth of what they’ve inflicted? For the vast majority, flying monkeys do not know the bigger plan of what they are a part of.

The narcissist has picked the details and pieces of the storyline that they know will hit home with those flying monkeys and induce a sense of self-righteous duty within them.

Why do flying monkeys believe the narcissist?

Narcissists are among the best actors on the planet. Even though they completely lack any sense of empathy, gosh they can really put it on and tug at your heartstrings.

They will look people dead in the eye and lie through their teeth all while welling up in the corners of their eyes with real tears! I fell for it so many times with my ex, it’s sickening.

They are masters at using our real human empathy, compassion and emotions against us as weapons.

When you’re rocking in despair, trying to figure out how the flying monkeys can actually believe the narcissist’s bs, all you have to do is look back at your own journey with the narc.

Remember how easily you fell for their love bombing and false promises? Remember how convincing they were when they were pouring out their heart about their ‘crazy’ ex who ruined their life? Remind yourself just how much compassion you felt towards this poor soul who was just trying to get through life.

Now put yourself in the shoes of the flying monkeys and imagine the types of ridiculous stories they are being primed with, all with the intention of induing raw emotion.

The insecurities and inner wounds behind those people’s charged emotions, is what causes people to act and react.

Narcissists go into such incredible detail with their lies, that people wouldn’t even consider that this person isn’t telling the truth. How else would they know all of the ins and outs of someone being cheated on or of being stripped financially?

You see, all of the things they did to you, those are the very things they’ll be accusing you of on a public scale. In fact, you can expect the stories to be even more dramatic, with extra details thrown in, just to really smear you good and proper.

When people think that you’ve done these awful things to the narcissist, they will feel so noble about the fact that your behaviour is not okay and that you must be held accountable for it.

All of the things that the narcissist should be facing with their own behaviour, here you are having to take their punishments for crimes they committed against you. It’s absolutely soul crushing!

How do narcissists get flying monkeys?

Narcissists are predators who prey on others to feed themselves. The way narcissists get flying monkeys isn’t all that different in how they got you.

Narcs are always reading people to see who they can recruit to somehow use in order to uphold their false image and of course, use to siphon narcissistic supply from.

When people show empathy and compassion, the narcissist will play on those aspects of a person to gain their sympathy. If someone loves to gossip, they know they can tell whatever stories they like to that person and word will get around without them having to do a thing.

If some is desperate for validation and belonging, they can welcome that person into their crew and manipulate them to do things for them in exchange for acceptance. Those types of people are often highly insecure and being eager to please the narcissist, will do almost anything for them.

Along the way, these flying monkeys will provide the narcissist with validation and supply, making the narc feel special, important and superior. Then, when the narcissist wants to send them out and do tasks for them, they’re already waiting in the wings.

In return, the flying monkeys will get breadcrumbs of whatever it is their deep wounds are craving – acceptance, a sense of security, physical items (food, alcohol, drugs, clothing etc.).

For the flying monkeys who get recruited purely for the purpose of destroying you after the break up, the narcissist will appeal to their sense of ‘right and wrong,’ so that they feel the need to help bring the situation to justice.

They’re not necessarily bad people, they just got caught up in the narcissist’s web, just like you did. How do flying monkeys ever see the truth if they’re sold a completely different narrative?

Do narcissists ever discard flying monkeys?

Given that people are just objects to a narcissist, who can be used and abused as they see fit – yes, narcissists can discard flying monkeys as well.

If someone cottons on to the narcissist’s truth, then they become the enemy who must be discarded and punished. In this case, the flying monkey will find themselves on the other side of the fence, being flying monkey’d by those who were previously on their side!

Some flying monkeys are only enlisted by the narcissist for a specific task or timeframe and beyond that, they become useless to the narc. Without a backwards glance they too will be discarded.

If the narc finds someone else who’s easier to manipulate or is deemed more useful, the narcissist may discard the flying monkey and replace them with a new one.

As with every person, once the narcissist sees no use for them anymore, the flying monkey will either be discarded or shelved for later use.

Triangulation and flying monkeys

Triangulation is where the narcissist uses one or many third parties to communicate between people, which works to enhance their smear campaign, manipulations and false storyline. This is where flying monkeys come in real handy.

The narcissist may pass on some information (whether fact or fiction) to a flying monkey, with the intention that that information leads to another particular person, which further inflates the narc’s agenda.

The benefit of using triangulation is that the narcissist gets to kick back and play the “innocent bystander” role, while their flying monkeys gossip, attack, manipulate and sometimes even threaten the narc’s true victim.

Sometimes triangulation can be a group of people who all support the narcissist and reject your reality. This is essentially group gaslighting where the abuse you suffered from the narcissist is denied and the opposite storyline circulates. The narcissist is made out to be the ‘good one’ and the poor victim at your hands.

How to spot a flying monkey

Now that you’ve got a good understanding of what the narcissist’s flying monkeys are, you may be wondering how to spot a flying monkey in action.

Here are a few giveaway signs of a flying monkey:

  • They don’t want to rock the boat (hangs onto the status quo)
  • Denies your version of events
  • Tends to gossip
  • Appeases the narcissist (wants to keep them happy)
  • Thrives on drama
  • Defends the narcissist

Examples of flying monkey comments:

“Oh, she’s not so bad.”

“Well, he’s never done anything to me.”

“You should have more respect for her, that’s your mother.”

“How dare you treat him like that, after everything he’s done for you!”

“Did you hear that [insert your name] was sleeping around? She deservers everything she gets as far as I’m concerned.”

“Well, that’s not what I heard,” (when you try to tell you version of the story).

“He’s doing everything he can to fix the relationship, she’s just being difficult.”

How to set boundaries with flying monkeys

If you find yourself in a position where you cannot cut out all of the narcissist’s flying monkeys from your life, you can certainly set boundaries with those flying monkeys.

Maybe they are coworkers or family members who have fallen for the narc’s stories and manipulations. That’s okay, I understand how hard it is to truly free yourself. The narcissist is a master of their game and can truly infiltrate your entire world.

Here’s how to set boundaries with flying monkeys:

  • Go ‘grey rock’ (don’t engage with them and be so boring that they lose interest)
  • If they bring up the narcissist, tell them that you do not want to talk about them or hear anything about them
  • Do not give them any information about yourself, that way they’ve got nothing to take back to the narcissist
  • Do not show them any emotion – appearing completely unaffected is your power

Enforcing these boundaries is going to be all on you, because that is something the flying monkeys are most probably lacking in.

State your boundary clearly when the situation arises and let them know that if they cross that boundary, you’re out. If or when they cross your boundary, you need to follow through and walk away or hang up the phone. Show them that you’re not messing around and that you’re one hundred percent standing in your power and putting yourself first.

If they try to use guilt, fear or obligation tactics on you (especially if the narc is your parent or grandparent), firmly state that you’re under no obligation to do anything.

You’ll quickly see who respects your boundaries and who doesn’t – and that right there tells you everything you need to know.

Defend Yourself & Disarm the Flying Monkeys

For the narcissist to retain their false self’s image after a discard (no matter who left who), they must trample you in the process. You are now the enemy who must be annihilated, because your very strength and existence threatens to expose who they truly are.

They must justify to themselves that you are worth less than the dirt underneath their shoes.

This is all a huge game to the narcissist and it’s one they’ve played many times before. But for it to truly be a competition, all members must be on the board, fighting for their lives.

To truly defeat you, they need you feeling crushed, defending yourself at every blow. They need to feel so powerful that they can control your emotions, reactions and utterly ruin your life. For them, this validates their very existence and makes them feel so powerful to be able to get so much out of you. Of course, every time you ruminate about the narcissist and try to defend yourself against their slander, you are also granting them Grade A narcissistic supply.

They need you to be so entangled in their game of manipulation and rewriting of history that you are completely unable to move on from them and create an amazing life not just without them, but because they are no longer in it. THAT totally invalidates the narcissist’s existence and they cannot bear it!

The biggest step in defending yourself against flying monkeys, triangulation, smear campaigns and all of the narcissist’s agenda is to walk away from it and not engage.

I get it, they will do everything in their power to try and pull you back in, even when you think you’re doing so well and standing your ground. But, even if you do slip for a minute, pick yourself back up and keep on walking away from their tornado. Don’t even look back.

You’re literally dancing with the devil when you try to negotiate with a narcissist.

For anyone who’s on the fence about who’s telling the truth in the whole situation, let them form their own opinion based on what they observe. Is it the person who’s talking badly about their ex or is the one who’s not saying anything at all?

As with everything in the narcissistic realm, actions speak louder than words.

The right people will join you as you walk forward in your new life and those who believe the narcissist can have the narcissist. Be prepared to lose a lot of people, but know that your life will be better on the other side when it’s filled with authentic beings who are able to be fully responsible for themselves.

The best thing you can do is to focus on yourself and your own healing. Now you’ve been gifted with the ability to see all of your wounds. Throughout the narcissistic relationship and then what came afterwards, so many of your deep unhealed wounds would have been brought to the surface.

It’s painful as hell, I know! But trust me, this truly is a gift. Because now you have the eyes to see what needs to be healed. By learning how to go inwards to meet each trauma, then shift it out of your body, you will have the tools to grow and expand way beyond your imagination.

While the narcissist is completely incapable of growing beyond the emotional range of a toddler, you now have the chance to awaken and evolve into the true being you were always meant to be.

That is the best defence you can have against any narcissist or flying monkey, because you will find yourself vibrating in a space that simply cannot support the lower energies of narcissism.

All of the people involved in that world will either fall away or go through their own expansion because of it. The choice is theirs on a spiritual level, but really, it matters not, because you are here for your journey and your journey alone.

Detach

The first most important step when defending yourself against flying monkeys is actually to not defend yourself at all.

I know it’s seems like a feat you’ll never be able to achieve, but when you completely detach from what the narcissist and flying monkeys are doing, your whole world starts to change.

For the narcissist’s chaos to work, they need you to be falling apart, trying to hang on and defending yourself. When you detach, you’re not fuelling them or their drama at all. Sure, the flying monkeys will still be fuelling it for them, but that’s not your game.

When you’re totally enmeshed in the piles of metaphorical crap that are being slung at you, you will be energetically and psychically feeding the narcissist copious amounts of supply.

Everything you say and do, can and will be used against you by the narcissist.

I know that’s the last thing you want to be doing. Sitting there motionless while being publicly humiliated, shamed and blamed is probably one of the most soul-destroying experiences you will have to go through.

However, trying to fight back and defend your truth is not going to help you in the least. It just gets you more entrenched and gives the narcissist more ammo against you.

Acknowledge your triggers

Once you’ve stepped right back and taken yourself out of the situation, now it’s time to have a look at the very things that were so utterly triggering for you.

Grab a pen and paper and make a list of every single painful feeling that has been brought to the surface throughout this whole ordeal.

Some possible triggers:

  • Fear of rejection
  • Fear of what people think of me
  • Fear of total annihilation
  • Fear of being wrongly accused
  • Fear of total abandonment

These are primal fears which are stuck in the very cells of our body. They have been created through cultural and family conditioning, through the lives of our ancestors and even through our own past lives.

Many of us were actually persecuted and put to death for going against the village in a past life. Fitting in with the tribe-think, despite what our personal thoughts were, was a matter of survival. If the tribe rejected us, we would have been left for dead in the forest.

The thing is, there’s nothing the narcissist or their flying monkeys can physically do to you this time around. However, if you do fear for your personal safety, please get the authorities onto it ASAP!

This is purely a spiritual war in the energetic realm. The lower energies (including narcissists) need your fear to feed themselves. Without that, they will literally starve and have no choice but to find another host to feed off.

Release the need for justice

As infuriating as it is, you will not get any apologies, closure or justice from the narcissist. Those acts go against their very core survival mechanisms.

It’s time to really work on releasing the need to get any sort of justice from the narcissist in any way. It ain’t going to happen!

The real justice for you comes from detaching, releasing your traumas, then moving into a genuinely happy and abundant life. The type of life that never would have been possible when the narcissist was in it.

Your justice is evolving and growing on a soul level, while they remain stuck in groundhog day, playing out the same old cycle, over and over again.

Nope, they will never recognise that, but who cares. That’s because they simply do not have the capacity to recognise it.

Once you really start to work on yourself, the narcissist will become a distant memory who you rarely, if ever, think of any more.

They will mean so little to you and that my friend is the best justice you could ever receive.

Focus on yourself

Remember back to the love bombing phase where you were the narcissist’s whole world for a short, hot minute? Well, during that phase they were carefully observing you and collecting data on your deepest fears and insecurities.

That’s why the narcissist knows exactly how to locate and rub salt into those very wounds.

But all is not lost because they have actually handed you a gift (little do they know). Now you know exactly what needs to be healed within yourself so that you can ascend beyond any vibration where narcissism can exist.

Unmasking the Narc

 

 

 

The B.I.T.E Model – Characteristics of a Cult.

On By LaetitiaIn Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious CultsLeave a comment

Here is Steven Hassan’s B.I.T.E. model, a checklist for the characteristics of a cult. As well as religious organization’s this behaviour can be present in many groups situations, families, working life and friendships.

The Evolution of the BITE Model – Steven Hassan

There are three components to Festinger’s theory – control of behaviour, thoughts, and emotions. Each can be affected by the other two. By manipulating three elements cults gain control over a person’s identity. Through working with former cult members, a fourth important component is identified – control of information. When that is controlled as the amount a person can receive limit capacity for independent thought. These four factors are easily remembered as BITE Behaviour, Information, Thoughts, Emotions.

The Bite Model

Behaviour Control

Regulation of individuals physical reality

Where, how and with who the member lives and associates.

What clothes, colours, hairstyles the person wears.

What food the person eats, drinks, adopts and rejects.

How much sleep the person is able to have.

Financial dependence.

Little or no time spent on leisure, entertainment, and vacations.

 

Major time commitment required for indoctrination sessions and group rituals.

Ask permission for major decisions.

Need to report thoughts, feelings, and activities to superiors.

Rewards and punishments (behaviour modification techniques, positive and negative)

Individualism discouraged ‘group think’ prevails.

Rigid rules and regulations.

 

Information Control

Use of deception.

Deliberately holding back information.

Distorting information to make it more acceptable.

Outright lying.

 

Access to non-cult sources of information minimized or discouraged.

Books, articles, magazines, TV, radio.

Critical Information.

Former members.

Keep members so busy they do not have time to think and check things out.

 

Compartmentalization of information – outsider vs insider doctrines.

Information is not freely accessible.

Information varies at different levels and missions within pyramid.

 

Spying on other members is encouraged.

Pairing up with ‘buddy’ system to monitor and control.

Reporting deviant thoughts, feelings, and actions to leadership.

Individual behaviour monitored by whole group.

Leadership decides who needs to know what and when.

 

Extensive use of cult generated information and propaganda.

Newsletters, magazines, journals, audio tapes, video tapes and other media.

Misquotations, statements taken out of context from non-cult sources.

 

Unethical use of confession.

Information about ‘sins’ used to abolish identity boundaries.

Past sins used to manipulate and control, no forgiveness or absolution.

 

Need for obedience and dependency.

Thought Control

Need to internalize the groups doctrine as ‘truth’,

Adopting the groups ‘map of reality’ as Reality.

Black and white thinking.

Good vs Evil.

Us vs Them.

 

Use of loaded language (thought terminating cliches) words are the tools we use to think with. Those special words constrict rather than expand understanding and can even stop thoughts altogether. They function to reduce complexities of experience into trite, platitudinous ‘buzz words’.

Only good and proper thoughts are encouraged.

Use of hypnotic techniques to induce altered mental states.

Manipulation of memories and implantation of false memories.

 

Use of thought stopping techniques which shut down ‘reality testing’ by stopping negative thoughts and allowing only good thoughts.

Denial, rationalization, justification, wishful thinking.

Chanting.

Meditating.

Praying.

Speaking in tongues.

Singing or humming.

 

Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism. No critical questions about leaders, doctrine or policies seen as legitimate.

No alternative belief system viewed as legitimate, good or useful.

 

Emotional Control

Manipulate and narrow the range of a persons feelings.

Make the person feel that if there are any problems its always their fault, never the leaders or groups.

Excessive use of guilt.

Identity guilt.

Who you are (not living up to potential)

Your family

Your past

Your affiliations

Your thoughts, feelings, actions

Social guilt

Historical guilt

 

Excessive use of fear

Fear of thinking independently

Fear of the outside world

Fear of enemies

Fear of losing ones salvation

Fear of leaving the group or being shunned

Fear of disapproval

 

Extremes of emotional highs and lows

Ritual and often public confessions of sins

 

Phobia indoctrination inculcating irrational fears about ever leaving the group or questioning leaders authority. The person under mind control cannot visualize a positive fulfilled future without being in the group.

No happiness or fulfilment outside of the group.

Terrible consequences will take place if you leave, hell, demon possession, incurable diseases, accidents, suicide, insanity, 10,000 reincarnations etc.

Shunning of leave takers, fear of being rejected by peers, friends and family.

Never a legitimate reason to leave. From the groups perspective people who leave are weak, undisciplined, unspiritual, worldly, brainwashed by family or a counsellor, or seduced by money, sex or ‘rock and roll’.

It is important to understand that the Destructive Mind Control can be determined when the overall effect of the four components promote dependency and obedience to some leader or cause. It is not necessary for every single item on the list to be present. Mind control cult members can live in their own apartments, have nine to five jobs, married with children, and still be unable to think for themselves and act independently.

(This was taken from a book entitled: Releasing The Bonds – Empowering People to Think for Themselves by Steven Hassan).

Religious Trauma Syndrome

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, SuicideLeave a comment
Religious Trauma Syndrome
by Marlene Winell
Religious Trauma Syndrome is the condition experienced by people who are struggling with leaving an authoritarian, dogmatic religion and coping with the damage of indoctrination. They may be going through the shattering of a personally meaningful faith and/or breaking away from a controlling community and lifestyle. RTS is a function of both the chronic abuses of harmful religion and the impact of severing one’s connection with one’s faith. It can be compared to a combination of PTSD and Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). This is a summary followed by a series of three articles which were published in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Today.
Religious Trauma Syndrome has a very recognizable set of symptoms, a definitive set of causes, and a debilitating cycle of abuse. There are ways to stop the abuse and recover.
Symptoms of Religious Trauma Syndrome:
• Cognitive: Confusion, poor critical thinking ability, negative beliefs about self-ability & self-worth, black & white thinking, perfectionism, difficulty with decision-making
• Emotional: Depression, anxiety, anger, grief, loneliness, difficulty with pleasure, loss of meaning
• Social: Loss of social network, family rupture, social awkwardness, sexual difficulty, behind schedule on developmental tasks
• Cultural: Unfamiliarity with secular world; “fish out of water” feelings, difficulty belonging, information gaps (e.g. evolution, modern art, music)
Causes of Religious Trauma Syndrome:
Authoritarianism coupled with toxic theology which is received and reinforced at church, school, and home results in:
• Suppression of normal child development – cognitive, social, emotional, moral stages are arrested
• Damage to normal thinking and feeling abilities -information is limited and controlled; dysfunctional beliefs taught; independent thinking condemned; feelings condemned
• External locus of control – knowledge is revealed, not discovered; hierarchy of authority enforced; self not a reliable or good source
• Physical and sexual abuse – patriarchal power; unhealthy sexual views; punishment used as for discipline
Cycle of Abuse
The doctrines of original sin and eternal damnation cause the most psychological distress by creating the ultimate double bind. You are guilty and responsible, and face eternal punishment. Yet you have no ability to do anything about it. (These are teachings of fundamentalist Christianity; however other authoritarian religions have equally toxic doctrines.)
You must conform to a mental test of “believing” in an external, unseen source for salvation, and maintain this state of belief until death. You cannot ever stop sinning altogether, so you must continue to confess and be forgiven, hoping that you have met the criteria despite complete lack of feedback about whether you will actually make it to heaven.
Salvation is not a free gift after all.
For the sincere believer, this results in an unending cycle of shame and relief.
Stopping the Cycle
You can stop the cycle of abuse, but leaving the faith is a “mixed blessing.” Letting go of the need to conform is a huge relief. There is a sense of freedom, excitement about information and new experiences, new-found self-respect, integrity, and the sense of an emerging identity.
There are huge challenges as well. The psychological damage does not go away overnight. In fact, because the phobia indoctrination in young childhood is so powerful, the fear of hell can last a lifetime despite rational analysis. Likewise the damage to self-esteem and basic self-trust can be crippling. This is why there are so many thousands of walking wounded – people who have left fundamentalist religion and are living with Religious Trauma Syndrome.
Mistaken Identity
Religious Trauma Syndrome mimics the symptoms of many other disorders –
post-traumatic stress disorder
clinical depression
anxiety disorders
bipolar disorder
obsessive compulsive disorder
borderline personality disorder
eating disorders
social disorders
marital and sexual dysfunctions
suicide
drug and alcohol abuse
extreme antisocial behavior, including homicide
There are many extreme cases, including child abuse of all kinds, suicide, rape, and murder. Not as extreme but also tragic are all the people who are struggling to make sense of life after losing their whole basis of reality. None of the previously named diagnoses quite tells the story, and many who try to get help from the mental health profession cannot find a therapist who understands.
What’s the problem?
We have in our society an assumption that religion is for the most part benign or good for you. Therapists, like others, expect that if you stop believing, you just quit going to church, putting it in the same category as not believing in Santa Claus. Some people also consider religious beliefs childish, so you just grow out of them, simple as that. Therapists often don’t understand fundamentalism, and they even recommend spiritual practices as part of therapy. In general, people who have not survived an authoritarian fundamentalist indoctrination do not realize what a complete mind-rape it really is.
In the United States, we also treasure our bill of rights, our freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, and freedom of religion. This makes it extremely difficult to address a debilitating disorder like RTS without threatening the majority of Americans. Raising questions about toxic beliefs and abusive practices in religion seems to be violating a taboo. No one wants to be pointing fingers for fear of tampering with our precious freedoms.
But this is the problem. Sanitizing religion makes it all the more insidious when it is toxic. For example, small children are biologically dependent on their adult caretakers; built into their survival mechanisms is a need to trust authority just to stay alive. Religious teachings take hold easily in their underdeveloped brains while the adults conveniently keep control. This continues generation after generation, as the religious meme complex reproduces itself, and masses of believers learn to value self-loathing and fear apocalypse.
There is hope
Awareness is growing about the dangers of religious indoctrination. There are more and more websites to support the growing number of people leaving harmful religion. Slowly, services are growing to help people with RTS heal and grow, including Journey Free. We are discovering the means by which people can understand what they have been through and take steps to become healthy, happy human beings.

How Narcissists use Projection to Manipulate,

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment
Psychology Explains How Narcissists Use Projection To Manipulate
PSYCHOLOGY EXPLAINS HOW NARCISSISTS USE PROJECTION TO MANIPULATE
Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissists have no real self-awareness to speak of. Indeed, their very sense of value is derived from how others perceive them. As a rule, narcissists are unable to recognize their shortcomings and failures, instead choosing to cast the blame – no matter the merits of such – onto someone else. It’s called projection – a default defense mechanism of the narcissist.

In this article, we’re going to define narcissism, projection, and how those with narcissistic tendencies use projection in order to achieve their aims. As you will read, narcissists are experts at manipulation. To this end, we’ll discuss how you can spot the narcissist, along with proactive things you can do to avoid becoming a victim of narcissistic manipulation.

WHAT IS PROJECTION?

In the field of psychology, projection – or psychological projection – is the denial of subconscious impulses by the human ego. For instance, someone accusing their partner of cheating when they’re actually the one engaging in the scandalous act is projecting. A jealous co-worker who accuses everyone else in the office of being jealous is projecting; secretly, they’re jealous of just about everyone with a modicum of success. And so on.

While common among the narcissistic, projecting is something that we all do to varying degrees. We usually project onto others when we have uncomfortable, sometimes disturbing, emotions, and thoughts about ourselves. The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, believed that we project things onto others when we don’t want to burden ourselves with our perceived flaws or feelings of inferiority.

In other words, we want others to be the vehicles for our insecurities. We don’t want to deal with them anymore.

The thing is: while we all project, we don’t make a habit out of it. Most of us wouldn’t use projection to make someone feel inferior. We certainly wouldn’t employ projection as a means of coercion. Because, well, you’re not a narcissist (we don’t think.)

Speaking of which, let’s discuss narcissistic personality disorder in a tad more detail.

THE STORY OF NARCISSUS (THE OG NARCISSIST)

The ancient Greeks and Romans promulgated a myth about a young lad a wee too obsessed with his image. The story goes that Narcissus was a handsome guy who rejected all female comers.  In fact, Narcissus rejected all of those who loved him, leading some of those he loved to take their own lives as a last effort to show Narcissus their devotion and love.

None of this moved the vain young man, however, which led the Goddess Nemesis to punish Narcissus for his callousness. The story ends with Narcissus getting a glimpse of himself in a lake, which reflected back an image showing him in the prime of his beauty. Narcissus fell in love with his own image, eventually realizing that nothing could love him as much as he could love himself. Nemesis takes his own life shortly after this realization.

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

In the late 1800s, psychologists decided that the vain Narcissus was an apt representation of some of their clients. A sexologist by the name of Havelock Ellis coined the term “narcissus-like” to describe his patients engaging in excessive masturbation.

In 1911, an Austrian psychiatrist by the name of Otto Rank published the first academic paper proposing narcissism as a potential psychological disorder. Rank described narcissism in the context of excessive self-admiration and vanity. Three years later, Freud published the paper On Narcissism: An Introduction.

“…a personality disorder with a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.”

Clinical treatment of NPD is not well-studied but is thought to be difficult – as those with NPD are unable to see their condition as a problem. NPD occurs more often in males, affects roughly one percent of the population, and is far more common in younger people than older.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) – the diagnostic literature published by the American Psychological Association (APA) – lists ten recognized symptoms of NPD:https://imasdk.googleapis.com/js/core/bridge3.432.0_en.html#goog_154395631000:00 of 09:01Volume 90%This video will resume in 4 seconds 

  1. A sense of grandiosity
  2. Expecting superior treatment from others
  3. Exploiting others for personal gain without feelings of guilt
  4. An inability to understand the thoughts and feelings of others
  5. Strong feelings of envy towards others
  6. Constantly engaging in the bullying, belittling, and demeaning of others
  7. A sense of entitlement and the need to be treated special
  8. The need to be perceived as superior and unique
  9. Obsession over desired traits such as attractiveness, intelligence, power, and success
  10. The need to be constant admiration from other people
NARCISSISTS + PROJECTION = MANIPULATION

“When the [narcissistic] individual is in the superior position, defending against shame, the grandiose self aligns with the inner critic and devalues others through projection.” – Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT (source)

HERE’S HOW NARCISSISTS USE PROJECTION TO MANIPULATE YOU (AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT):
1. THEY “CALL YOU OUT”

Perhaps the most straightforward way to project is to call someone out. When a narcissist calls you out, you can bet they’re doing so for one of two reasons: (a) to get you to do something, (b) to attack you, or both. Guilt-tripping is among the most common methods narcissists use. If that doesn’t work, they may get frustrated and verbally attack you.

What to do: In any case, don’t take the bait. Recognize the behavior for what it is: a shameless, insulting attempt to manipulate your thoughts and feelings. You have something they want – don’t give it to them!

2. THEY MIMIC

While narcissists have the emotional depth of a puddle, they’re smart enough (many are highly intelligent) to know that emotionality matters to people. For this reason, narcissists will often mimic the emotional behaviors that they see elsewhere to convince someone of their genuine nature.

For the narcissist, the problem with this tactic is that mimicry goes against the grain of innate human behavior. Assuming that they’re not some CIA-trained spy, the entire façade will become apparent sooner or later.

What to do: Be observant. Someone’s core personality will always make itself known. You just have to keep your eyes and ears open.

3. THEY USE CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

If you’ve ever been the victim of character assassination, then you may know the far-reaching effects. Targeting someone’s character is the ultimate “go for the jugular” act. When a narcissist engages in character assassination, it’s often out of vengeance, or for the purpose of winning people over for some reason.

What to do: The most important thing here is not to panic. Most have pretty good sense when it comes to getting a feel for someone’s character. For this reason, we’re naturally cautious when someone verbally attacks another’s person. If these things are occurring in a work environment, it may be necessary to speak with your manager, human resources, or the legal department.

4. THEY PLAY THE VICTIM

Narcissists love to play the victim. At first, anyway. Why? Because they realize that most of us have some kind of sensitive core. We don’t like to see other people suffer. We want to help alleviate that suffering. Narcissists are all too eager to take advantage of this near-universal human trait. For this reason, the narcissist will project a “Woe is me” demeanor as well.

Some less-intelligent narcissists make the critical error of playing the victim to one person. If this is the case, it’s much easier to see through the charade.

What to do: It’s important to remain observant and keep your ear to the ground. If you’re particularly sensitive (e.g., an empath), make sure that you’re offering your assistance only to people you know well.

3. THEY SHAPE SHIFT

When a narcissist feels that they’ve got the victim where they want, they’ll quickly drop the act. They do so because they’re confident that the victim will offer little if any resistance. Indeed, this is often the last opportunity that the potential – or, by this point, possibly real – the victim will have to minimize the damage.

If you catch onto the shape-shifting, don’t expect the narcissist to go quietly into the night. Remember, narcissists are experts in the art of manipulation – and they may still be able to flummox you just enough that you’ll keep them around.

FINAL BIT OF ADVICE ON DEALING WITH NARCISSISTS

At this juncture, it is critical that you not hesitate to “end it.” Unless that person has some undiagnosed mental health disorder, there’s just no rational explanation for displaying extremes along the personality spectrum. Particularly if you’re being hurt in the interim.

Power of Positivity

Estranged Families and Christmas

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, SuicideLeave a comment
Christmas is the hardest time of year for those estranged from close family

Image – CBS

With Christmas just around the corner, many will be finalising plans to see their families over the festive period. Yet for others, family relationships are challenging, distant and a source of pain. In some cases, relationships break down entirely leaving people estranged from close relatives.

Results from a new online survey of people estranged from family members conducted with the charity Stand Alone, has shown how difficult Christmas can be. The survey was completed by 807 people who identified as being estranged from a parent, sibling or an adult child.

Almost all identified the holiday season as the most challenging time of year, describing feelings of loneliness, isolation and sadness. These feelings and experiences are in direct contrast to the idealised images of happy families around the dinner table that feature in Christmas advertising and the media at this time of year. One respondent said:

Everyone always says ‘what family plans do you have for holidays?’ and look at you funny when you say none. It’s hard to explain to people why you don’t want to be with your own parents.

Two-thirds of the respondents felt there was a stigma about family estrangement. They described feeling judged or blamed – and feeling that estrangement was a taboo subject about which there is little understanding or acknowledgement.

No two estranged relationships looked alike. Yet common factors often led to estrangement, such as having mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships, clashes in personality and values, and emotional abuse.

Estrangement was found to be more complex than simply a lack of contact or communication between family members. Although most of the respondents who were estranged from a parent, sibling or an adult child had no contact whatsoever with this individual, approximately 25% had contact that was minimal in nature. These results are similar to those of Australian social worker Kylie Aglias, who has distinguished between family members who have no contact at all (physical estrangement) and those whose contact is infrequent, perfunctory, and often uncomfortable (emotional estrangement).

We also found that estranged relationships change over time and that cycles in and out of estrangement are common. Of those who said they wished that their estranged relationship was different, most wanted a relationship that was more loving, warm and emotionally close.

What can be done to help?

When it came to getting support, respondents said those friends and support services which offered them emotional and practical support and took the time to listen to them and show them understanding were the most helpful. They found it unhelpful when they felt friends or counsellors dismissed them or when they felt they had been judged and blamed for the estrangement.

It would be wrong to assume that all those experiencing estrangement wish for there to be reconciliation in the future. Feelings about the future of estranged relationships were varied. Of those who were estranged from a mother or father, most felt that there would never be a functional relationship between them in the future. Yet for those who were estranged from an adult son or daughter, most felt that there could be a functional relationship in the future or were unsure of the future direction of the relationship.

Four out of five respondents also reported that there had been a positive outcome from their experience of estrangement. These included feeling more free and independent, feeling happier and less stressed, and having gained a greater insight or understanding of themselves and relationships more broadly.

By listening to the hidden voices of people who are estranged from close relatives, we can begin to move beyond assumptions about what families could or should look like and begin conversations about families and family relationships as they really are.

The Conversation.com

Article from Cornwall Live

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, SuicideLeave a comment

A woman in West Cornwall is using her traumatic experience of leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses, after being raised as one, to offer a new counselling service for former members of religious cults.

Laetitia Latham Jones, from St Buryan near Penzance, recently qualified as a crisis and trauma counsellor and set up Taking The Helm, which provides counselling for everyone from victims of abuse, to survivors of natural disasters.

But it is those who have left religious cults that Laetitia wishes to specialise in helping, drawing on her own childhood experience and being disfellowshipped from Jehovah’s Witnesses, a religion which she describes as having the traits of a cult.

In recent years, many former Jehovah’s Witnesses have described the religion as being cult-like, but fearing repercussions, most have done so anonymously.

Now, hoping to help others who have been shunned and left isolated after leaving religious groups, Laetitia has spoken out about what happens when you say you want to leave.

“I was born into a religious cult myself. Other people join them, but I had no choice.”

Originally from Kent, Laetitia says her parents became Jehovah’s Witnesses about four years before she was born. “They knocked on our door and caught my mum at a vulnerable time of crisis.” She explains.

“One of my older brothers had severe autism and had to live in a residential hospital at six years of age. After he left the home, my mum was obviously distraught and a Jehovah’s Witness called at her door.”

Laetitia’s mother started attending meetings, and her father could see it seemed to help her, so he accompanied her.

By the time Laetitia was born, the family were well-established Jehovah’s Witnesses, attending meetings at their local Kingdom Hall three times a week, and door knocking in the local area to try and recruit new members.

As a child, Laetitia was involved from the start. She recalls being taken out to preach every Christmas Day, something she hated because they received a lot of negative responses. She remembers a man shouting at her father, saying that his children should be at home opening presents rather than knocking on doors.

“By the time I was eight years old, I was out preaching on my own, with my parents calling on other homes in the same street. I was trained with good arguments for each subject that could be raised. I had a really good argument for evolution, and for not having or giving blood transfusions – even if it is for a family member.”

But preaching on Christmas Day was not the only thing that made Laetitia’s childhood different than most. “At school, I was kept out of religious assemblies and religious studies. We didn’t celebrate Christmas, birthdays, or Easter because we were taught they had Pagan origins.

“They feel that celebrating birthdays places you upon a pedestal and the only person you should honour is God.”

But for someone born into the religion, not having a birthday party did not seem all that strange:

“We were also encouraged not to associate with anyone outside of the religion and my friends didn’t celebrate their birthdays either.”

Although Laetitia would get in trouble for small acts of rebellion or asking too many questions, (like, ‘why have Adam and Eve got belly buttons in our pamphlet?’) she decided that she still wanted to be baptised as a Jehovah’s Witness.

“I was baptised at the age of 14 – full immersion in a pool at one of their conventions. At the time, I thought it was what I wanted. A friend of mine was baptised at 12 years of age, and I was quite close to her, so I asked my parents for the next two years until they agreed.

“The elders take you through a set of questions, to ensure you know what you’re getting into, but obviously at 14, you are still too young.”

If the elders thought being baptised would make Laetitia a more committed Jehovah’s Witness, they were wrong, because two years later, she had had enough and wanted out.

“At 16, I asked the elders to disfellowship me, because I wanted my own life, and I wanted my freedom. I was dating a young man who wasn’t in the religion, and he had all of his freedom and I wanted mine too.”

Laetitia continues: “I knew what would happen, I knew I had to choose between my family and my own life, because you are shunned once you leave. As I was young, I didn’t really appreciate the consequences, and the effect leaving would have on me way down the line.

“I was a rebellious child, and not looked upon favourably by my parents, so I thought it wouldn’t matter anyway. However, years on you realise it has a bigger effect on you than you thought it would.”

Laetitia says she was brought before three elders known as a judicial committee, who tried to convince her not to leave Jehovah’s Witnesses before the disfellowshipping. “I had been in front of them twice previously for various things, as I was not an obedient child. They tried to talk me out of it, but I insisted. I had my boyfriend, so I knew there was someone to support me. Maybe if I’d been on my own, I would never have asked.”

As soon as she left, Laetitia’s life changed: “Everyone you’ve known and grown up with shuns you. They don’t speak to you anymore. If they see you on the street, they will cross to the other side rather than speak to you, so you have to get used to that.

“With my parents, I was still living in the family home, so they had to interact with me as they usually would, but there was a definite atmosphere. They told me I couldn’t leave home unless I married, so I discussed this with my boyfriend and about five weeks later, at the age of 17, we were married and I was able to move out.”

Speaking about the adjustment that followed, Laetitia says: “When you are raised in a cult you do not realise how isolated you are from the outside world, so when you come out it is extremely difficult to learn how to mix with a community, to make friends and trust others – because you are taught to trust no-one in the world.

“Many people who leave cults are isolated and some have committed suicide, because they cannot handle the shunning and the outside world.”

Of course, Jehovah’s Witnesses vehemently dispute they are in any way a cult, and have a section on their website dedicated to explaining why they are not a cult, saying: “No, Jehovah’s Witnesses are not a cult. Rather, we are Christians who do our best to follow the example set by Jesus Christ and to live by his teachings.” The website continues to argue that they are not a cult because they ‘have not invented a new religion’, and ‘do not look to any human as their leader.’

Laetitia disagrees: “The religions viewed as cults interfere with your personal life. They control what you wear, what you read and what you watch on TV. We weren’t even allowed to watch Scooby Doo!

“In my research, I have discovered there is actually a checklist for cults known as the B.I.T.E. model.”

Having left her parents and the religion that she was raised in, Laetitia says there was domestic violence in her marriage when she was pregnant with her daughter, so feeling vulnerable she returned to the Jehovah’s Witnesses so that she could have contact and support from her family again.

She went through a process of being reinstated, where she had to attend church for six months without talking to anyone to prove that she was committed to being a member again.

After leaving her first husband, Laetitia eventually married again, but although her second husband was happy at first to attend the Jehovah’s Witnesses meetings, he soon realised after talking to an elder, that for them to accept him, he would have to quit his job as a policeman.

This prompted Laetitia to disassociate herself from Jehovah’s Witnesses for a second time, and disassociation results in the same treatment as disfellowshipping.

When Laetitia’s second husband retired from the police force, they moved to Cornwall with their son. She recalls visiting the Witchcraft Museum in Boscastle in 1996 where she was shocked by the ways that women who were branded as witches had been tortured by people who were supposedly Christian. “So I thought, if they teach that witchcraft is evil, but can perform horrific tortures, then maybe the other side isn’t as bad as they say it is. That’s when I began looking into witchcraft.”

With a love of morris dancing as well as developing an interest in Paganism, Laetitia was invited to train as a ‘teaser’ for Penglaz, the Obby Oss at Golowan Festival in Penzance. Her tutor turned out to be Cassandra Latham, who she had previously met at the Pagan Conference in 2003.

In 1996, Cassandra became the first person in the UK to have her occupation registered with the Inland Revenue as ‘village witch’. As a much respected wisewoman in West Cornwall, Cassandra was looking to not only train up a new teaser, but a wisewoman who could work alongside her.

Laetitia and her second husband eventually divorced due to their lives going in different directions.

As a village wisewoman living with Cassandra in St Buryan, it would seem that Laetitia could not be further away from her upbringing as a Jehovah’s Witness. However, when her father died of cancer five years ago, she attended her local Kingdom Hall following the funeral, to be somewhere he would want to be. She promised her father that she would return before he died and her grief at this time led her to become reinstated.

“Of course, when the elders discovered I was with Cassandra, all Hell broke loose, as you can imagine.” Laetitia remembers.

“They sent me a text to say they wanted to see me, and I visited the hall that evening, where two elders were waiting for me and brought up websites on their iPad with my pictures with the ‘Obby ‘Oss and Cassandra.

“They were angry and instructed me to leave Cassandra immediately, and called her an evil woman, and began questioning me about my personal life. I replied that she had been extremely kind to me as she gave me a home rather than see me become homeless after my divorce.

“I reacted angrily and shortly after that they instructed me to attend a hearing with the judicial committee of elders and I refused. The following day they called at Cassandra’s cottage and announced they were disfellowshipping me once again.”

Despite her reaction to the Jehovah’s Witnesses trying to tell her how to live her life, Laetitia says that she doesn’t hold any resentment towards her parents, who have both now passed away, following her mother’s death earlier this year.

“I don’t hold a grudge. They caught my parents at a vulnerable time, and I feel so sorry for them as they were taken advantage of. My parents lived and breathed that religion for 60 years, and now that I have more knowledge of cults, I can see they wasted their lives believing they would never become old or die, waiting each day for Armageddon and the paradise earth where they would live forever.”

Laetitia is clearly happy with where she is now, and proud of her achievements – with good reason: “As Jehovah’s Witnesses, we weren’t allowed to go on to further education after leaving school. We were told that college would have wild parties, drug taking, bad associations etc. They didn’t want us to have a career as we were pressured to be ‘pioneers’ where you preach for 90 hours a month and have a small part time job to earn money.

“I wanted to be a professional dancer and my sister wanted to be a P.E. teacher, but we didn’t pursue those careers as it would be difficult without parental support.

“I attended college in my early 30s and did NVQ levels 1, 2 and 3 in Beauty Therapy, went on to attain Diplomas in Holistic therapies, I teach Reiki courses and now have my Counselling Diploma.”

Looking towards the future and hoping that her Counselling Diploma and her experience can help others, Laetitia says:

“I had a friend from childhood who was a Jehovah’s Witness and committed suicide at the age of 21. He was depressed, and he told the elders he considered ending his life, but received no help.

“My research and study of religious cults show that many people end their lives because they are shunned and isolated after leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses and other cults.

“I want to be there for people who reach out for someone who understands their problems.

“I could save lives in this way, just by being there, and I feel this is the reason for my life experience.”

Cornwall Live

Feedback:

I happened to come across an article about you and wanted to say thank you for sharing! Up until about a year and a half ago I thought I was the only one that experienced the aftermath of being disfellowshipped. Anyway, I hope you and yours are well! A.C

My sister, just sent me over your article from Cornwall live. Thank you for sharing your experience, it very much reflects our upbringing as a JW. I build up the courage 5 years ago to leave, not disassociate as my mum is mental and physically disabled, which you know would mean I would not be able to talk to her. Cutting the long story short, I am now a mental health nurse, due to witnessing so many witnesses disfellowshipped through acts they did whilst mentally ill. It is not all roses as many believe it is and I am so glad you have found your way and shared your story. Kind Regards S.M.

I just wanted to say well done for your brave interview on cornwalllive – good for you being able to talk openly about repression and controlling organisations and how much I respect your decision to help others who fall into these traps – also ignore the trolls as some people have nothing better to do than continue the repression this way! Lots of love. L.F.

Thank you for your article . I’m glad you were honest. I’ve left after 30 plus years . I was unhappy about the secret data base of paedophiles. Since speaking out I’ve been shunned . My daughter no longer speaks along with ..4 grandchildren. It’s just ridiculous. So many are leaving , I’ve been trying to visit people as they leave to make sure they have food . The situation has got very bad over the last few years . But I’d like to say thank you . Much love. A.C.

Death of an Estranged Parent

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, SuicideLeave a comment

by Kris Peterson.

There are many articles on parents with estranged adult children.  This article however will touch on adult children with estranged parents.

When people hear about the loss or the impending loss of an estranged parent some people feel shocked and unprepared to experience the range of emotions of grief.  They may struggle with a wide variety of things that they will have to be consider in a very short period of time.  Funeral attendance, flights across the country, other people’s feelings and their own feelings.  The loss may leave them mourning not only their estranged parents death but also the loss of an imaginary, what-may-have-been relationship.

Sometimes people find out about the death of their parent in an insensitive way.  Maybe they found out after the fact in obituaries or through the “grape-vine” of other estranged family members.  Communication in estranged family relationships are sometimes non-existent. It is not unusual for major events – even a death – to not be communicated. They may assume that they were left out with evil intent when it’s possible that the family of the estranged parent has perceived the relationship to be so strained that the person wouldn’t want it communicated.

Reasons people may grieve an estranged parent:

  1. Grieving that the relationship now has no chance of mending. Often at some level there is an unspoken hope that the relationship might be restored. Death closes the door on reconciliation. Words are left unsaid and the feelings still remain, sometimes without closure.
  2. Grieving the loss of a part of heritage. Even though the relationship with the parent wasn’t strong, the death involves someone who is a part of their lineage and the chance to learn about the other half of their family may be gone.
  3. Grieve what might have been.  People reflect on a time when they loved the parent, or wanted to love them. Although there may not be a longing for things to change, there is a feeling of melancholy that things were not different. The death of the parent brings to mind ideas of how the relationship should have been.  After the loss, the dream for a better relationship remains only a dream, and in many cases people grieve the death of the dream rather than the loss of the person.

Some people experience apathy to the loss of the non-existent parent in their lives.  It is entirely possible that they dealt with the grief of loss when they were first estranged.   The length of time and purpose of the estrangement greatly affects each persons response.

Ways to help someone with the loss of an estranged parent:

  • Regardless of whatever expectations they think society has placed on them for handling the loss of an estranged parent, they have experienced a loss and they are allowed to grieve.  Giving them space to grieve without judgment is important.
  • People may express deep sadness and remorse for the wasted years.  Missed phone calls or chances to re-connect and opportunities lost.  Remind them to not waste the rest of their life looking back at what could have been.
  • Talking about the past can be cathartic and open doorways to recovery.  Though sometimes people don’t realize that reciting a general litany of of unhappiness is one of the main reasons they stay stuck.  The goal is to become emotionally complete with what happened so that they don’t need to be a current victim of what happened in the past. It’s bad enough that they were mistreated and/or harmed, but remaining stuck in the destructive mental repetition can prevent them from moving forward.
  • Remind them that forgiveness isn’t saying that the estranged child ‘accepts’ or ‘approves’ what happened. Forgiveness is the acknowledgment that what happened, happened, and that they are now ready to let go of the baggage.  Forgiveness isn’t always about the other person, it’s about moving forward.

What NOT to say to someone grieving the death of an estranged parent:

  • “They were an awful person, why do you even care?” Invalidates the feelings of the grieving person.  They are trying to figure out their own emotions in the situation.  They may be feeling confused or upset that they care about this person too. They may be upset that they care for this person at all, adding even more to their confusion and grief.  Invalidating their feelings may make them feel like they aren’t allowed to express them at all.
  • When will you feel better?” Expectation for a timeline for grieving puts unnecessary pressure on the griever to just get over it and again reinforces that they aren’t allowed to express their emotions.
  • “You didn’t even know him/her” amplifies what the griever is probably already thinking.  Knowing this doesn’t take away from the pain of being unable to connect to their estranged parent, in cases it might even be the primary cause of their grief.

Resources:

I thought we‘d never speak again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation,By Laura Davis.  She weaves powerful accounts of parents reconciling with children, embittered siblings reconnecting, angry friends reunited, when war veterans and crime victims meet with their enemies, to her own experiences reconciling with her mother after a long, painful estrangement.

Healing Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off From a Family, By Mark Sichel.  Family therapist Mark Sichel addresses the pain and shame connected with family rifts and offers a way through the crisis and on toward healing and fulfillment.

Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them, By Barbara LeBey.  Working closely with two family therapists, Barbara LeBey offers a set of tested guidelines to help you approach alienated or angry family members, deal with your own issues, and mend your broken family relationships–even if you think it may already be too late.

Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief, By Jennifer Elison and Chris Mcgonigle.  Sometimes we are relieved that our loved one is no longer suffering; at the other end of the spectrum, a death might finally free us of an abusive or unhappy relationship.  In this groundbreaking book, the authors share their own and others’ stories, compassionate clinical analysis, and pragmatic counsel with other disenfranchised survivors.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, By Susan Forward.  In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents — and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, By Lindsay C. Gibson.  clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood.

The Bereavement Academy

Psychology Of Why Some Arent Following CV 19 Rules

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic AbuseLeave a comment

by Brianna Wiest

Women speaking in public
Image -Forbes

Despite the repeated consensus that adhering to social distancing guidelines is the most effective way to diffuse the novel coronavirus pandemic, some people were slow to cancel their plans; some are still engaging in get-togethers.

It’s frustrating if this is one of your friends, endangering if it’s one of your immediate family members, and a tricky situation if it’s one of your colleagues, or someone who reports to you.

How do you handle someone who is blatantly ignoring social distancing guidelines? How do you reason with someone who is, essentially, a COVID-19 denier?

Unsurprisingly, there’s a psychological reason why some people may feel highly disinclined to ignore social distancing. There’s a reason why in times of high stress, some people respond with rebelliousness. Understanding this can help you respond, and manage, those reactions better.

Jud Brewer, M.D., Ph.D. is a neuroscientist, addiction psychiatrist and the director of research and innovations at the Mindfulness Center of Brown University. He shares with me that there are likely several reasons why people aren’t staying home right now.

“Some people are trying to retain a feeling of control by ignoring or defying stay-at-home orders. Other people are oppositional in nature and routinely defy authority. Many more are in denial, especially if they aren’t in hardest-hit areas, aren’t in high-risk groups and/or don’t know anyone with the virus.”

Brewer went onto say that anxiety “definitely” affects our ability to think clearly, make decisions or solve problems. The influx of uncertainty could be contributing to a denial of reality or factual information.

“When anxiety gets really bad, we start to panic,” he says. “It leads to thinks like panic-buying.”

Many of these measures are simply a way to regain a sense of control. Writer Maya Kosoff wrote an article explaining why you’re seeing so many people in your newsfeed cooking, cleaning and otherwise managing their household in very small and specific ways. It is, essentially, a form of regaining control.

She writes:

Vaile Wright, the director of clinical research and quality at the American Psychological Association, says all these ways of exerting control — my soup production included — represent humans’ collective intolerance of uncertainty and the unknown. Our ability to cope with uncertainty is a spectrum, she explains, but to varying degrees, we’re all facing the same challenge right now: Nothing feels stable, which makes us anxious and stressed out. So we act on those feelings. Stuck in our homes, we find projects and rituals to bring us comfort.

Brewer’s experience echos that as well.

In an op-ed for the New York Times, he explains that there are really two ways to stop anxiety from mismanaging your life: first, be aware that we are becoming anxious, and second, understand what the result is. This helps us differentiate behaviors that bring comfort, and behaviors that are actually integral to our survival.

“Panic can lead to behaviors that are dangerous,” he explains. “Anxiety is both acutely mentally and physically weakening and a slow burn that has more long-term health consequences.”

In it for the long-haul

Given that we still have at minimum a number of weeks of extreme social distancing on the horizon, how should we manage teams, friends and family members who aren’t convinced by facts? Here is what Brewer had to say:

Why are some people not convinced by factual information?

“Actions are driven by emotions, not rational thought,” he explains. Understanding this will help you get through some frustration.

What is the best way to talk to people like this?

Brewer says your best bet is “meet them where they’re at” and relate on an emotional level. This means acknowledging the fear, but calmly sharing the facts of the situation, and always encouraging the person to take proper action in order to help facilitate the best possible outcome.

What is the best way to actually change someone’s mind?

Influence is a tricky thing, and swaying someone’s preconceived ideas is even harder. Though you might not be able to completely change their mind, Brewer says the best way to try is by using positive reinforcement. This means encouraging, praising and even giving benefits to members of your team who are acting in accordance with guidelines, or innovating a new way work given the current structure.

How can we be more open to changing our own minds?

Of course, it’s not all about what other people are doing wrong.

If we are the ones struggling to accept our new reality, Brewer says that the first step is to take as much time as we need to “reset” our brains, and cool down emotionally. “When we are anxious or panicked, our thinking brains are offline and we can’t think. The first step is to help them get back online, so that we can take in rational information,” he shares.

Ultimately, things have changed, and even when they do return to normal, it won’t be precisely the new normal that we once knew. There’s a lot of uncharted territory to deal with, and that includes how the people around you are going to respond.

Forbes