Laetitia Latham Jones – Crisis and Trauma Counsellor
Author: Laetitia
I am a working Wisewoman in West Cornwall with Cassandra Latham Jones, a Crisis and Trauma Counsellor that specializes in assisting former cult members.
Here is a list of the 12 essential factors I concluded about father loss:
1. The depth of a woman’s attachment to her father is profound. Whether the relationship was good or bad, long or short, happy or sad, her father has had an enormous impact on her life, and his influence will never end.
2. Fear of abandonment is the hallmark of the fatherless daughter. Directly linked to fear of abandonment are many other emotional problems, including issues with intimacy, sex, trust, commitment, shame, and most of all, anger.
3. Death of a father, because of its finality, is commonly thought to offer closure to a fatherless daughter. This is not necessarily true.
4. Abandonment by a father, if the father is still alive, is commonly thought to offer hope to a fatherless daughter. This is not necessarily true.
5. If your mother coped with strength, intelligence, and empathy toward you after your father’s death or abandonment, the chances are good that you were spared many of the problems faced by fatherless daughters.
6. Stepfathers can be a God-send or a tragedy.
7. Alcoholism is a frequent problem among the mothers, fathers, and stepfathers of fatherless daughters.
8. If, as an adult, you have put together a happy relationship with a husband or partner, you are well on your way toward resolving your father loss issues.
9. Your life would not necessarily have been better if your father had been present in the family; different, certainly, but not necessarily better.
10. You are not responsible for hurts you endured as a child, but you are responsible for your life today. You must rely on yourself.
11. It’s never too late to “find” your dad-and to come to terms with his loss.
12. Coming to terms with the loss of your dad–and forgiving all those who may have let you down– is liberating, freeing you to experience life, love, peace, and happiness.
Based on these findings, it may appear that fatherless daughters are doomed to neurotic, unsatisfied lives. This is hardly the case. Many of the most accomplished women in history and at work in our world today are fatherless daughters.
For example, I was startled to learn how many actresses lost their fathers early in life, including Myrna Loy, Jean Harlow, Bette Davis, Lucille Ball, Angela Lansbury, Julia Roberts, Barbra Streisand, Jodie Foster, Tracy Ullman, Sophia Loren, Rene Russo and Cate Blanchette, to name just a few. Many of these women supported their families single-handedly for their entire lives.
In addition, many women from the world of feminism and politics were or are also fatherless daughters, either the result of death or divorce, including Eleanor Roosevelt, Gloria Steinem, Bella Abzug, Olympia Snow, and Geraldine Ferraro.
Today, as I write this, Sonia Sotomayor, a 54-year-old woman of Puerto Rican descent, raised in the Bronx, New York, became the first person of Hispanic descent to sit as a judge on the Supreme Court of the United States. One pivotal factor in Judge Sotomayor’s personal history is that her father died when was nine,
For me, like Paris Jackson, Judge Sonia Sotomayor is a quintessential face of father loss.
I have had clients speak to me about their dilemma of wanting to keep their loved on alive even though they have reached the end of their time. If the loved one is terminally ill and suffering it is better to do what is best for your loved one. Although this is a difficult choice, it is a brave and unselfish act to agree to let them go.
This article may be helpful to those who find themselves in this situation.
Many recent news stories have focused on right-to-die issues — what options might we want, and what control can we exert, as we approach the end of life? When death is sudden and unexpected, there are few choices, and if there has been no preparation for this moment, events will unfold as medical and emergency staff see fit. But when illness is chronic or prolonged, or when pain, frailty and old age impact the quality of life, there are measures we can take to have our wishes respected, to share those wishes with others, and to request a dignified, comfortable death.
An NPR story last year examined why some health care providers are hesitant to discuss end-of-life measures, even with seriously ill patients. There are many reasons: not enough time; not wanting the patient to give up hope; discomfort with the topic. One suggestion has been to initiate a physician-patient discussion about end-of-life issues automatically each year. Not all patients welcome the discussion, but sometimes the increased feeling of control actually can make patients with long-term illnesses feel better. They can decide, for example, to refuse certain medical treatments. They can decide if they want “heroic measures” — feeding tubes, CPR, ventilators, defibrillators — to prolong their lives when a desirable quality of life (however one may define that) might not be possible.
Making these decisions isn’t easy, and for family members and friends, accepting these decisions may be challenging, even traumatic. In our recent NewsHour columns, we talked about Advance Directives, hospice care, and other measures designed to make — as much as possible — the end of life a more peaceful transition for the patient. But watching someone you love slip away can be so overwhelming that it is instinctive to want to do everything possible to keep that person alive, even against their own wishes. How do you accept letting go?
Where to begin
Sometimes we hear from our clients that the person they are caring for wants to discuss these matters, but they or their family members are reluctant to face the issue. Below are some ideas to help begin the process to help clarify decisions about the end of life. Experts advise that you begin by thinking and talking about values and beliefs, hopes and fears. Consult with health care practitioners when you need more information about an illness or treatment.
Consider first the questions below:
What makes life worth living?
What would make life definitely not worth living?
What might at first seem too much to put up with, but then might seem manageable after getting familiar with the situation and learning to deal with it?
If you knew life was coming to an end, what would be comforting and make dying feel safe?
What, in that situation, would you want to avoid?
How much control is important for you to have when facing a terminal illness?
Then, if you have the opportunity, and before a loved one is incapacitated, try to explore these more specific questions:
Whom do you want to make decisions for you if you are not able to make your own, on both financial matters and health care decisions? The same person might not be right for both.
What medical treatments and care are acceptable to you? Are there some that you fear?
Do you wish to be resuscitated if you stop breathing and/or your heart stops? What if there is no hope for full recovery?
Do you want to be hospitalized or stay at home or somewhere else if you are seriously or terminally ill?
How will your care be paid for? Have you overlooked something that will be costly at a time when your loved ones are distracted by grieving over your condition or death?
Will your family be prepared for the decisions they may have to make?
Write the responses down, and share with family members. To formalize the process, you can complete an Advance Directive and POLST (Physician’s Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment). Both documents can be revised at a later date if you wish.
A note: This process is not appropriate for everyone. There may be historic, religious or cultural differences within families that affect their willingness to discuss these deeply personal matters. If it makes sense to bring up these topics, do so. If it is not something that your family is comfortable with, you might not be able to get the answers you seek. You can try again at a later time — or perhaps not at all. Families have their own dynamics, and for some, this discussion simply may not be achievable or desirable. In the case of a serious illness, events will unfold as they may. That is also a choice, and must be respected.
Letting Go
Even after the conversations are held and legal documents completed, reaching acceptance that a person is dying is a difficult path for the individual who is ill as well as for their family members. The person who is ill doesn’t want to cause grief. She may feel there is unfinished business within the family — a reconciliation not completed, an “I love you” never stated out loud. He may be fearful of pain, of the loss of control, of the loss of dignity. And of course family members share these fears. They may dread the grief or fear of losing this critical person in their lives. They may want to attempt the very measures — the heroic measures — that the individual specifically stated he or she does not want.
Despite the pain of grief for those we love, being able to let them go is not about our needs, nor about the physician’s need to try to heal even in the face of impossible odds. It is about what our loved ones need and want to reduce their suffering and help them die in dignity. When those wishes have been talked about, and when they are in writing, a family has the comfort and assurance that they are doing the right thing if they are asked to give permission to accept comfort measures instead of life-sustaining interventions.
A natural process sometimes occurs as an illness progresses. As death nears, many people feel a lessening of the desire to live longer. Some people describe a profound tiredness. Others may feel they have struggled as much as they have been called upon to do and will struggle no more. A family’s refusal to let go can prolong dying, but cannot prevent it. Dying, thus prolonged, can become more a time of suffering than of living.
Family members and friends may experience a similar change. At first, we may adjust to managing a chronic illness, then learn to accept a life-limiting illness, then accept the possibility of a loved one’s dying. Finally, we may see that dying is the better of two choices, and be ready to give the loved one permission to die. The dying person may be distressed at causing grief for those who love them, and, receiving permission to die can relieve their distress. There is a time for this to happen. Before that, it feels wrong to accept a loss, but after that it can be an act of great kindness to say, “You may go when you feel it is time. I will be OK.”
At the time a person is near death, sometimes touch is the best communication. Gentle stroking of a hand or a cheek, and quietly reassuring the person that you love them and that you will be all right is perhaps the most compassionate way to ease your loved one on his journey. In a situation where you are not present at the time of death, forgive yourself and know that you did the best you could to make the final hours or weeks of life peaceful and meaningful.
Grief
Each individual grieves in his or her own way and for an unpredictable amount of time—there is no “correct” way. Grief affects us emotionally, physically and spiritually. There is a deep understanding that nothing will ever be the same. Grief is most acute when someone dies or shortly thereafter, but there are also the effects of “anticipatory grief” and what is sometimes called “ambiguous loss.”
When someone has a long-term illness such as terminal cancer or Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s disease, we may begin a grieving process long before the person passes away. Particularly when an illness causes cognitive or memory decline, we grieve the person who used to be. They were our partners, our siblings, our parents. We remember their personalities, their intelligence, energy, talent, humor. They were our best friend, companion, adversary, advisor or confidante. As those characteristics fade with increasing illness, we start grieving their loss. The body may be there, but the person has changed irrevocably. It may have been difficult, frustrating and exhausting to care for the individual, and sometimes, caregivers see death as a relief. As a consequence, for many family caregivers, there is an extreme feeling of guilt over that relief. This is not an unusual reaction, but if the emotions persist, counselling or support groups may help you get through the conflicting and troubling feelings.
For other people, there is a delay in feelings of grief, or the feelings may be buried or expressed in different ways — withdrawal, anger, escape through drugs or alcohol, or intense involvement in work. Grief reactions may be unexpected and waves of painful memories may assault you at unpredictable times. The anniversary of a person’s death or other important dates can be particularly tough. However the process unfolds, take care of yourself, cry when you need to, seek solitude if that helps, and try to give yourself the space you need to reach an even keel.
While the passing of time will not erase feelings of loss, the intensity will ease somewhat as months and years go by. If you find it too difficult to move on with your life, you may be facing situational depression. Find time to talk with a grief counselor or attend a grief support group (often available from hospice). It is very important to take good care of — and be kind to — yourself. The organizations and resources listed below, or those in your personal or faith network, may also be able to help as you move through this profound experience — one we all must face at some time in our lives. One that makes us human.
Why families need to pay more attention….. by Peg Streep
Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:
“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”
This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favourites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favoured daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.
How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse
KEY POINTS
The term “sibling rivalry” can mislead parents, leading them to ignore sibling abuse.
Healthy competition requires balance of power between siblings. Parents can contribute by not playing favorites or using competion to criticize.
Physical aggression is strikingly common between and among siblings. Surprisingly, it can teach valuable skills when it is mutual or dyadic.
Sibling abuse is about power. It is always one-sided.
Source: Obie Fernandez/Unsplash
Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:
“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”
This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favorites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favored daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.
How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse
But, sometimes, a sibling’s verbal abuse isn’t an echo but an act of individual aggression, and it’s sad that parents don’t always recognize it as such and write it off as a function of “sibling rivalry” — a supposedly a “normal” occurrence in families with more than one child.
In his 2012 book Sibling Aggression, Jonathan Caspi noted that this normalization isn’t just limited to laypeople but to professionals as well. He writes that despite a growing body of research which shows otherwise, “the mistaken belief that sibling violence is not harmful normalizes it. Statements such as ‘My brother beat on me and I am fine’ and ‘Boys will be boys’ minimize honest appraisals of possible effects and validate its continued use.” He notes that practitioners too grew up with the same social context—thinking that sibling aggression is normal—and so their judgments about family dynamics are often clouded by their own internalized views. He surmises that this point of view limits research as well. He uses sibling aggression as an umbrella term which encompasses four categories which he arranges in order of effect, going from most mild to severe; in order, they are competition,conflict,violence, and abuse.
Understanding competition between siblings
Healthy competition can motivate and challenge siblings to develop their skills and talents. Famous siblings in sports — the Williams sisters or the Manning brothers — immediately come to mind. But when the aim of the competition is to highlight one sibling’s flaws or inadequacies, competition moves from being inspirational to being hurtful and damaging. (Think about the Jackson Five, their siblings, and their abusive father, for example.) Caspi notes that most of the time, one sibling’s advanced skills don’t damage another’s self-esteem.
Surveying conflict in sibling relationships
Every family experiences some amount of conflict and, as Caspi notes, constructive sibling conflict promotes social and emotional competence, teaches problem-solving, and helps a child hone his or her emotional regulation. My own thought is that, for this to happen, parents have to have modeled and implemented cooperative ways of dealing with disagreements and conflict. In households where verbal abuse is the default, this isn’t going to happen.
But even in a household where constructive behaviour has been modelled, it’s clear that constant negative conflict between siblings can alter the dynamics of a family as well as the sibling relationship.
Is roughhousing violence between siblings?
Caspi notes that the terms sibling violence and sibling abuse are often used interchangeably because they both entail physical and verbal acts that intend to do harm. However, he distinguishes violence from abuse. He writes: “Violence reflects mutual or bidirectional aggression in which both siblings aim to harm each other in a concert of perceived egalitarian relationship.” Sibling physical violence — hitting, biting, pinching, kicking — is astonishingly prevalent; some researchers’ estimates are as high as 96 percent of all families while others put it at 80 percent. But, as Caspi points out, physical violence is very difficult to distinguish from animated roughhousing or even rough-and-tumble play so these numbers may be greatly inflated because of parental confusion about what’s “normal” between siblings and what’s not. Most importantly, research supports Caspi’s contention that this kind of mutual sibling violence doesn’t damage self-esteem.
Some readers will share my initial confusion, reading that this “even-steven” and mutual mano a mano type of violence isn’t necessarily harmful or damaging, but that is what research shows. Let’s consider rough-and-tumble play, for example. Joseph L. Flanders, Vanessa Leo, and their colleagues cite research showing that physically aggressive behaviors are observable as early as 18 months but begin to taper off in most children by age two or three; their study looked at father-child rough-and-tumble play (RTP) to determine whether a father’s behavior influenced a higher incidence of continuing physical aggression in children. It’s widely recognized that fathers play with children differently than mothers do, regardless of gender, and that kids prefer Dad’s style of play over Mom’s.
KEY POINTS
The term “sibling rivalry” can mislead parents, leading them to ignore sibling abuse.
Healthy competition requires balance of power between siblings. Parents can contribute by not playing favorites or using competion to criticize.
Physical aggression is strikingly common between and among siblings. Surprisingly, it can teach valuable skills when it is mutual or dyadic.
Sibling abuse is about power. It is always one-sided.
Source: Obie Fernandez/Unsplash
Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:
“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”
This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favorites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favored daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.
How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse
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But, sometimes, a sibling’s verbal abuse isn’t an echo but an act of individual aggression, and it’s sad that parents don’t always recognize it as such and write it off as a function of “sibling rivalry” — a supposedly a “normal” occurrence in families with more than one child.
In his 2012 book Sibling Aggression, Jonathan Caspi noted that this normalization isn’t just limited to laypeople but to professionals as well. He writes that despite a growing body of research which shows otherwise, “the mistaken belief that sibling violence is not harmful normalizes it. Statements such as ‘My brother beat on me and I am fine’ and ‘Boys will be boys’ minimize honest appraisals of possible effects and validate its continued use.” He notes that practitioners too grew up with the same social context—thinking that sibling aggression is normal—and so their judgments about family dynamics are often clouded by their own internalized views. He surmises that this point of view limits research as well. He uses sibling aggression as an umbrella term which encompasses four categories which he arranges in order of effect, going from most mild to severe; in order, they are competition,conflict,violence, and abuse.
Understanding competition between siblings
Healthy competition can motivate and challenge siblings to develop their skills and talents. Famous siblings in sports — the Williams sisters or the Manning brothers — immediately come to mind. But when the aim of the competition is to highlight one sibling’s flaws or inadequacies, competition moves from being inspirational to being hurtful and damaging. (Think about the Jackson Five, their siblings, and their abusive father, for example.) Caspi notes that most of the time, one sibling’s advanced skills don’t damage another’s self-esteem.
Surveying conflict in sibling relationships
Every family experiences some amount of conflict and, as Caspi notes, constructive sibling conflict promotes social and emotional competence, teaches problem-solving, and helps a child hone his or her emotional regulation. My own thought is that, for this to happen, parents have to have modeled and implemented cooperative ways of dealing with disagreements and conflict. In households where verbal abuse is the default, this isn’t going to happen.
But even in a household where constructive behavior has been modeled, it’s clear that constant negative conflict between siblings can alter the dynamics of a family as well as the sibling relationship.
Is roughhousing violence between siblings?
Caspi notes that the terms sibling violence and sibling abuse are often used interchangeably because they both entail physical and verbal acts that intend to do harm. However, he distinguishes violence from abuse. He writes: “Violence reflects mutual or bidirectional aggression in which both siblings aim to harm each other in a concert of perceived egalitarian relationship.” Sibling physical violence — hitting, biting, pinching, kicking — is astonishingly prevalent; some researchers’ estimates are as high as 96 percent of all families while others put it at 80 percent. But, as Caspi points out, physical violence is very difficult to distinguish from animated roughhousing or even rough-and-tumble play so these numbers may be greatly inflated because of parental confusion about what’s “normal” between siblings and what’s not. Most importantly, research supports Caspi’s contention that this kind of mutual sibling violence doesn’t damage self-esteem.
Some readers will share my initial confusion, reading that this “even-steven” and mutual mano a mano type of violence isn’t necessarily harmful or damaging, but that is what research shows. Let’s consider rough-and-tumble play, for example. Joseph L. Flanders, Vanessa Leo, and their colleagues cite research showing that physically aggressive behaviors are observable as early as 18 months but begin to taper off in most children by age two or three; their study looked at father-child rough-and-tumble play (RTP) to determine whether a father’s behavior influenced a higher incidence of continuing physical aggression in children. It’s widely recognized that fathers play with children differently than mothers do, regardless of gender, and that kids prefer Dad’s style of play over Mom’s.
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RTP is characterized by aggressive behaviours such as “wrestling, grappling, jumping, and chasing in a play context.” Fathers often socialize both sons and daughters through this kind of physical play which is associated positively with emotional regulation, self-control, reading emotional cues, and even sensitivity to others. These are important skills for self-development and permit children to negotiate social rules in peer settings with more ease. What Flanders and his team found was that when fathers controlled and set limits during RTP, their children demonstrated lower levels of physical aggression in daily life; in contrast, the children of fathers who didn’t set limits and shucked off dominance were more likely to be more physically aggressive in later life.
So mutual or bi-directional physical aggression actually has its benefits, as counterintuitive as that may seem.
When it’s not mutual, it’s abuse
The distinction that Caspi makes between violence and abuse largely rests on power; if he considers the first to be “bidirectional” or “mutual,” then sibling abuse is “unidirectional hostility where one sibling seeks to overpower the other via a reign of terror and intimidation, and reflects an asymmetrical power arrangement.” The abusive sibling not only wants to humiliate and render the other powerless but he or she is intent on aggrandizing him or herself through the act. Caspi notes four kinds of sibling abuse—physical, sexual, psychological or verbal, and relational—but verbal abuse is by far the most prevalent. Among siblings, verbal abuse includes insults, name-calling, and threats to property. Again, because siblings do chivy for attention in the household, it may be difficult for the parents to distinguish between chivying, an expression of frustration, and verbal abuse which is about dominance.
Beyond sibling rivalry
It’s clear that we need to retire the term. If you’re an adult who experienced sibling abuse but have rationalized or downplayed it, now’s the time to stop and reflect on its effects. Speak out. You may get pushback because families guard their narratives fiercely but it’s time you stepped out of the role assigned you, whether that’s the “sensitive one” or “the wuss.”
If you’re a parent of siblings, pay close attention to not just your behaviours but theirs. Step in if necessary.
(This person says it how it is, it may be ‘tough talking’ here, but they are right!)
(Image- Psychmechanics)
I thought I’d share this. Many of us deal with these types of not-quite-right adult children.
Narcissistic adult children demand you do what they want, try to control you, push every boundary, throw temper tantrums, blackmail you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, try to bribe you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blame their behaviour on you.
Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else. They say your job is to make them happy. They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.
What a nasty and unending list. If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt. You don’t deserve to be used and abused. You don’t owe them anything anymore. Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.
Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more. They think they’re entitled to whatever they want. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious. They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault. Their justifications will last forever.
I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children. There’s no hope down that path. Stop meddling and enabling them. These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.
The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact. Don’t debate or argue about who’s right. Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves. Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your future because, really, you are taking your life back. Now you can enjoy the rest of your life. You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.
Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications. But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry. Your life will shrivel up like a prune.
If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now. With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in. And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums. And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want. And nothing is for free.
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Suicidal feelings can affect anyone, of any age, gender or background, at any time.
If you are feeling suicidal it is likely that you have felt increasingly hopeless and worthless for some time. You may not know what has caused you to feel this way but it is often a combination of factors.
Common causes of suicidal feelings
Struggling to cope with certain difficulties in your life can cause you to feel suicidal. These difficulties may include:
If you are unsure of why you feel suicidal, you may find it even harder to believe that there could be a solution. But whatever the reason, there is support available to help you cope and overcome these feelings.
Can medication cause suicidal feelings?
Some medications, such as antidepressants, can cause some people to experience suicidal feelings. This side effect is often associated with a type of antidepressant called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). But all antidepressants have this as a possible risk.
Some research shows that young people under the age of 25 are more likely to experience suicidal feelings when taking these medications.
If you experience suicidal feelings while taking psychiatric medication, you should talk to your GP as soon as possible about this.
Feeling suicidal
Suicide is the act of intentionally taking your own life.
Suicidal feelings can mean having abstract thoughts about ending your life or feeling that people would be better off without you. Or it can mean thinking about methods of suicide or making clear plans to take your own life.
If you are feeling suicidal, you might be scared or confused by these feelings. You may find the feelings overwhelming.
But you are not alone. Many people think about suicide at some point in their lifetime.
What does it feel like to be suicidal?
Different people have different experiences of suicidal feelings. You might feel unable to cope with the difficult feelings you are experiencing. You may feel less like you want to die and more like you cannot go on living the life you have.
These feelings may build over time or might change from moment to moment. And it’s common to not understand why you feel this way.
How you might think or feel
hopeless, like there is no point in living
tearful and overwhelmed by negative thoughts
unbearable pain that you can’t imagine ending
useless, not wanted or not needed by others
desperate, as if you have no other choice
like everyone would be better off without you
cut off from your body or physically numb
fascinated by death.
What you may experience
poor sleep, including waking up earlier than you want to
a change in appetite, weight gain or loss
no desire to take care of yourself, for example neglecting your physical appearance
How long suicidal feelings last is different for everyone. It is common to feel as if you’ll never be happy or hopeful again.
But with treatment and support, including self-care, the majority of people who have felt suicidal go on to live fulfilling lives.
The earlier you let someone know how you’re feeling, the quicker you’ll be able to get support to overcome these feelings. But it can feel difficult to open up to people.
You may want others to understand what you’re going through, but you might feel:
unable to tell someone
unsure of who to tell
concerned that they won’t understand
fearful of being judged
worried you’ll upset them.
If you feel like this, you might find it helpful to show our pages on supporting someone else with suicidal feelings to someone you trust. This can be a good way of starting the conversation and can give them suggestions of how they can help you.
It’s important to remember that you deserve support, you are not alone and there is support out there.
MythOne – Suicide is very uncommon. False. In the US, nearly 30,000 people die by suicide each year, and the rate of attempted suicide is much higher—so much so that there is an estimated one attempted suicide per minute. Worldwide, suicide claims more deaths than accidents, homicides, and war combined. And many cases of suicide, particularly in the elderly, go completely undetected and unaccounted.
Myth Two – People often commit suicide for rational reasons. False. Psychiatrists believe that over 90 per cent of cases of suicide are not the result of a rational decision but of mental disorder. Suicidal ideation can be particularly intense in people with a mental disorder who are unmedicated or who are resistant to or non-compliant with their medication, and/or who are experiencing certain high risk symptoms such as delusions of persecution, delusions of control, delusions of jealousy, delusions of guilt, and commanding second-person auditory hallucinations (for example, a voice saying, ‘Take that knife and kill yourself’).
Myth Three –People are most likely to commit suicide around Christmas time. False. Contrary to popular belief, the suicide rate peaks in the springtime, not the wintertime. This is probably because the rebirth that marks springtime accentuates feelings of hopelessness in those already suffering with it. In contrast, around Christmas time most people with suicidal thoughts are offered some degree of protection by the proximity of their relatives and the prospect, at least in the Northern Hemisphere, of ‘things getting better from here’.
Myth Four – The suicide rate rises during times of economic depression and falls during times of economic boom. False. The suicide rate rises during times of economic depression and during times of economic boom, as people feel ‘left behind’ if every Tom, Dick, and Harry seems to be racing ahead. Although economists focus on the absolute size of salaries, several sociological studies have found that the effect of money on happiness results less from the things that money can buy (absolute income effect) than from comparing one’s income to that of one’s peers (relative income effect). This may explain the finding that people in developed countries such as the USA and the UK are no happier than 50 years ago; despite being considerably richer, healthier, and better travelled, they have only barely managed to ‘keep up with the Joneses’.
Myth Five – The suicide rate rises during times of war and strife. False. The suicide rate falls during times of national cohesion or coming together, such as during a war or its modern substitute, the international sporting tournament. During such times there is not only a feeling of ‘being in it together’, but also a sense of anticipation and curiosity as to what is going to happen next. For instance, a study looking at England and Wales found that the number of suicides reported for the month of September 2001 (in the aftermath of 9/11) was significantly lower than for any other month of that year, and lower than for any month of September in 22 years. According to the author of the study, these findings ‘support Durkheim’s theory that periods of external threat create group integration within society and lower the suicide rate through the impact on social cohesion’.
Myth Six –Suicide is always an act of individual despair and never a learned behavior. False. For example, the suicide rate rises after the depiction or prominent reporting of a suicide in the media. A suicide that is inspired by another suicide, either in the media or in real life, is sometimes referred to as a ‘copycat suicide’, and the phenomenon itself as the ‘Werther effect’. In 1774 the German polymath JW Goethe (1749–1832) published a novel called The Sorrows of Young Werther in which the fictional character of Werther shoots himself following an ill-fated romance. Within no time at all, young men from all over Europe began committing suicide using exactly the same method as Werther and the book had to be banned in several places. In some cases suicide can spread through an entire local community with one copycat suicide giving rise to the next, and so on. Such a ‘suicide contagion’ is most likely to occur in vulnerable population groups such as disaffected teenagers and people with a mental disorder.
Myth Seven – Someone who has been admitted to hospital is no longer at risk of committing suicide. False. Psychiatric in-patients are at an especially high risk of committing suicide despite the sometimes continuous care and supervision that they receive: every year in England, about 150 psychiatric in-patients commit suicide. The risk of suicide is also increased in medical and surgical in-patients in general hospitals. Medical and surgical in-patients suffering from illnesses that are terminal, that involve chronic (long-term) pain or disability, or that directly affect the brain are at an especially high risk of suicide. Examples of such illnesses include cancer, early-onset diabetes, stroke, epilepsy, multiple sclerosis, and AIDS.
Why Festive Gatherings can be so Toxic by David Robson
Christmas is a time of love, warmth – and often, huge family arguments. Here’s how to decode the primal forces that can cause painful rows, and enjoy a more peaceful season.
“A happy family,” so the saying goes, “is but an earlier heaven” – which must surely make an unhappy family a living hell.
As we enter the holiday season, many of us will be steeling ourselves for potential tension and argument. Whether it’s quiet disapproval over the quality of the cooking, a simmering resentment over alleged favouritism, or a fierce argument about our political and social values, family gatherings often bring out the worst in us. That’s if we choose to see our families at all – for many, there is no choice but to spend the holidays apart.
While family strife may be a source of entertainment in dramas like Succession, the real-life consequences are no joke.
“A really common consequence of estrangement is feeling isolated,” in addition to feelings of shame and being judged, says Lucy Blake, a developmental psychologist at the University of the West of England and author of the forthcoming book No Family Is Perfect: A Guide to Embracing the Messy Reality.
There is no easy cure to heal fractured relationships. But a better understanding of our family dynamics can help prepare us for the inevitable flashpoints and reveal ways to cope with the stress.
People are often reluctant to talk about unhappy gatherings and family estrangement – which can make those of us who experience it feel like we are somehow unusual. We may even assume that there is something wrong with us to have such poor relations. Social media networks can contribute to our sense of isolation, says Blake. “We often see a ‘performance’ of family, which can then make you feel more and more alone.” Few people are going to post a picture of a bust-up – you’re much more likely to see the gurning faces before a meal than the tears after a row.
Data from anonymous surveys suggests that fractious family relationships are astonishingly common, however. Blake points to one study, from the US, that questioned 633 middle-aged adults about their relationships with their own parents and their own children. In almost a third of the relationships studied, there was little ongoing contact, though most of these people felt some emotional ties – reporting both good and bad feelings about their kin. Of those who were more regularly in touch, many considered their relationships “conflicted” or “ambivalent”. Only 28% of the parent-child ties were engaged and harmonious.
Another paper, published earlier this year, examined data from a huge longitudinal study in Germany to try to identify the prevalence of estrangement. The researchers considered a parent and child to be estranged if they either had no contact, or if they had less-than-monthly contact combined with low emotional closeness. According to these criteria, around 20% of people experienced estrangement from their fathers, and 9% experienced estrangement from their mothers.
Not all clashes lead to such deep rifts, but even mild family rows can be very wounding – and tend to share some common causes.
A shared history
While any relationship has the potential for tension, family arguments often arise from clashing interpretations of the past, which even the slightest off-hand comment can then bring to the fore. And unlike friendships outside the clan, the emotional stakes are extraordinarily high.
“In families, there’s an almost primal sense that my most important loyalties are being challenged – that my love is being challenged,” says Terri Apter, a psychologist based in the UK and the author of numerous books about strained familial relationships, including Difficult Mothers and The Sister Knot. “There’s always the threat of a loss of status in the family, and a loss of connection.”
Even mild family rows can cause damage to relationships – and sometimes the effects can be longlasting (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/Getty Images)
The triggers of those frustrations, and the ways they are expressed, will of course depend on your relative positions within the family tree. A parent may still believe that they have the authority to give guidance to an adult child – whether it’s about their appearance, career decisions, or romantic relationships. Their well-meaning comments may, however, remind their child of constant unfair criticisms from their adolescence. Among siblings, meanwhile, there may have been rivalries for who gets the most attention from the parents, or who feels most dominant. A grating comment from a big brother may give you the impression that he still thinks he knows everything, or your little sister’s bad mood may be a sign that she is “acting up” to be in the spotlight.
If you were only experiencing these events in isolation, you might see them quite differently. Your brother’s advice – in itself – may be a little irritating, but you could see that it was well-intentioned. Perhaps you might believe that your sister’s tantrum is a one-off and a sign of a bad day. With your family history, however, the slightest reminder of a previous resentment may lead you to feel like you are stuck in an unrelenting Groundhog Day, where past crimes are repeating in an endless loop.
“It doesn’t take a lot, in the present, to reawaken patterns that felt uncomfortable in the past,” says Apter. “And the fact that you don’t particularly like your own responses to the behaviour can compound the discomfort and tension.”
Clashing family cultures
Interacting with in-laws presents its own set of challenges, Apter says – since one family’s rules of behaviour can seem alien to another. Certain actions – such as who volunteers to do the dishes, or how you address the different relatives – can be taken for granted, and what passes as a friendly joke in one household may seem like an insult in another.
In some ways, stepping into another family is like learning to live in a new country; it’s going to take time to translate their behaviours and ways of expressing themselves into a language you can understand. As a result, simple gestures can be lost in translation, leading to conflicts that may escalate over time.
If the inevitable friction leads you or the in-laws to take offence, and your partner doesn’t take your side, it only adds to the hurt. It may be that, having lived the family script for so long, your partner simply cannot see your point of view, or that – because of the accepted roles within the family – they feel unable to intervene, but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear. You may feel completely abandoned in this unfamiliar territory. “Betrayal is often not too harsh a word, in these circumstances,” says Apter.
Apter emphasises that many disagreements are often unspoken. “Sometimes you feel silenced. And that leads to a sense of great discomfort and discontent – that you can’t be yourself or be spontaneous.”
Great expectations?
It may take a miracle to resolve all your family tensions this Christmas, but Apter suggests some steps to ease relations.
One positive move could be to avoid alcohol. “People sometimes drink a lot in the hope that that will make them better able to tolerate the tensions,” says Apter. “But it often makes them less able to moderate their irritation and to put it in context.”
You might also try to shift your expectations of the event. In many cases, our fear of tension, and our desire for the “perfect” day, can itself heighten our stress levels, which then makes arguments more likely.
“You have what psychologists would call high arousal, in which you’re hyper vigilant for certain dangers,” Apter explains. “And so the pressure for it to be a ‘good’ event can contribute to it being a very bad event.”
For this reason, it may be healthier to accept that some disagreement is inevitable, but that it needn’t “ruin” the event. “If you can get to that point where you can mend an argument easily, then that’s very helpful,” says Apter.
As part of this more accepting attitude, you could try to be more compassionate to yourself when you do feel irritated or upset, and make sure that you give yourself the necessary space for self-care. “You might recognise that you’ve got to have private time, maybe in another area in the house or outside the home, where you can breathe, and get back your sense of self,” says Apter.
Learning to adopt that mindset may be especially important this year, as many families around the world are reuniting after more than a year of pandemic-induced lockdowns and forced separation. “Expectations may be even higher because we missed Christmas last year, and there may be a little loss of memory for how uncomfortable it can be,” Apter says.
Ultimately, there is no perfect family, and there will be no perfect Christmas – or Diwali, Chanukah, Chinese New Year, or any other festive get-together. But a recognition of our own and each other’s flaws, and the potential for discord, may – ironically – help us all to have a more relaxed celebration.
Christmas can be an incredibly difficult period for those who have been bereaved. Adverts, television programmes, and even Christmas music which emphasise love and togetherness around the Christmas tree can really put the boot in if you’re aching with the grief of bereavement.
Christmas is a time of heightened feeling, laden with memories for many of us. Reactions to bereavement differ from person to person. For some grieving people, Christmas can be a very joyful time, in which happy times with lost loved ones can be fondly remembered. But this isn’t always the case. If you’re worried that you’re going to be struggling with grief this Christmas – no matter how long ago your bereavement was – here is some advice on coping with bereavement at Christmas:
SHOULD YOU CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS AFTER A BEREAVEMENT?
The way people treat Christmas following a bereavement differs a lot. Some people worry that it is disrespectful to celebrate a festival like Christmas while mourning, while others think that following the traditions in which the deceased once participated is a good way to honour their memory. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to celebrate Christmas (or not!) after a bereavement. You must do what feels right for yourself and your family. However, it is important not to torture or ‘punish’ yourself by deliberately shunning much-loved festivities (or vice versa).
If you are spending Christmas with other bereaved family members, do be sensitive to the fact that their grief and your grief may be occurring in very different ways. It’s not uncommon for bereaved families to come into conflict over the Christmas period, as family members may differ in their idea of how to respect the deceased during this time. Some may take objection to celebrating Christmas at all, while others may try hard to emphasise the positives of the season. Often, some family members wish to stick rigidly to established festive rituals and routines which others feel will bring up painful memories. If your mode of dealing with Christmas during this time differs from that of your loved ones, do be aware that nobody is trying to disrespect the deceased or to minimise their loss – they’re simply coping with that loss in a different way. Everyone’s grief is valid. If you’re struggling to communicate with your grieving loved ones during this time, a counsellor may be able to help.
HOW CAN YOU MANAGE YOUR GRIEF AT CHRISTMAS?
Don’t wrestle with Christmas pressures. There’s an intense amount of pressure around Christmas – to do certain things, buy certain things, be with certain people. This pressure can be difficult even for those who are not struggling with grief. Don’t cave to any pressures you do not feel will be good for you. If you want to stay home on your own and have a quiet day, you do that. If you’d rather throw a big party for the whole family, you do that, too. But don’t feel that you HAVE to do anything.
Practise self-care. Be kind to yourself. This is not the same as indulging your every whim (although a bit of self-indulgence can help!). It means following a lifestyle which works well for your physical and mental health. Try to keep your sleep patterns regular, eat healthily, and take some exercise every now and again. Christmas can disrupt normal lifestyles and routines significantly, so make a point of taking extra care of yourself during this period.
Remember that you are not alone. A great many people have to struggle with the memories of their loved ones’ passing around this time. Even those who have not lost loved ones close to Christmas will undoubtedly be remembering those who used to join them for Christmas dinner but have since passed on. While it may seem as though everyone else is enjoying a happy time surrounded by perfect, loving families, the truth is that almost everyone will be sparing a thought for absent loved ones during this time.
LONELINESS AT CHRISTMAS AFTER A BEREAVEMENT
If bereavement has left you alone at Christmas, we understand that this can be very hard. Loneliness is a difficult and dangerous thing at the best of times, but it feels particularly brutal at Christmas.
If you are going to be alone for Christmas, and would rather not be, there are options open to you. People or organisations in your local community may be opening their doors for Christmas meals and events. If you are not sure where to look for these, contact Community Christmas, who may be able to help. If you have loved ones but cannot reach them physically for Christmas, a phone call or even a simple card can make the world of difference. Do not be afraid to reach out and ask for company and support. This is the season of goodwill, after all, and people can be very generous with their time and their homes.
Of course, the option of counselling around Christmas is always available to you, should you feel the need.
HOW CAN COUNSELLING HELP WITH GRIEF AND LOSS AT CHRISTMAS?
If you’re worried about grief and loss at Christmas, it can be helpful to speak with an accredited counsellor. Your counsellor will help you to work through your memories, your feelings, and your worries in a safe and supportive way. They may also provide you with strategies which will make the festive period an easier and perhaps even a happier time for you moving forward. Many people find that, as the years pass, Christmas transitions from a time marred by the pain of bereavement to a time of fond reflection, during which happy memories of lost loved ones can be shared and treasured. This transition can be a long process, but counselling from an accredited therapist with whom you have a good rapport can really help you to move this process along.
Dealing with the pain of estrangement can be difficult at the best of times, let alone when it’s Christmas and the absence of family may be more noticeable. After a difficult year of restrictions, hearing about the ‘Christmas bubbles’ some families are forming may also add to the feeling of loss that estrangement can bring, so we asked gransnetters for their tips and advice on how to cope with estrangement at Christmas time.
Seven ways to cope with family estrangement at Christmas
Focus on yourself and what you want to do
“On Christmas Day I got up early, had several cups of tea, fed the dogs and then wrapped up warm and took them for a long, slow walk. We got back home, I made a hot drink, put the fire on and cuddled up with the dogs until we’d all thawed out.
My Christmas dinner was egg and chips with brown bread and butter and then I curled up with the dogs and watched three Star Wars films, one after the other. It was wonderful! I went to bed happy, relaxed and ready for whatever was coming next. Please don’t think of Christmas Day alone, but of Christmas Day on your own – a vastly different kettle of fish.”
Whether you’re alone for Christmas, or spending it with other family and friends, try to create a day including things you enjoy and that will make you happy. It could be that you ignore traditions and do something you’ve always wanted to do, for example, an alternative feast and film marathon like this gransnetter, or make the day as festive as possible (with all the trimmings). The important thing is that you try to make plans (whether alone or with others) that will bring you joy. Stuck for ideas? Check out our page on things to do if you’re alone for Christmas.
One gransnetter recommends doing something altruistic to raise your spirits: “Volunteer! There are so many people in need this time of year, and lots of amazing organisations. Focusing on giving to others in need will help you embrace what the season is all about, peace and goodwill. You’ll feel so good about your good deeds, you’ll forget to feel bad.”
If you’re deliberating whether to decorate or not, one gransnetter has this advice: “If you’ve always celebrated Christmas, decorated your home and your tree, don’t stop. It’s very tempting to not bother because it’s just too painful but you can’t ignore it, not really. You see homes with their lovely decorations and, for me, to not do my best to embrace this time of the year would simply reinforce what we have lost, and make it harder see what we still have.”
Talk to a trusted friend
“I would talk to your friends and get it out in the open. You may find that talking about it helps get it in perspective and makes it more manageable. I would have a plan for the day, make the most of the things that you have and do something that will keep you busy and engaged.”
Christmas is a hard time of year to be estranged from family, so it’s important that you have a support network in place in case you need to talk through your feelings and acknowledge the sadness you might feel. Communicating how you feel to a trusted friend (who isn’t involved in the estrangement) is important for your mental health, and they can always offer support in the form of taking your mind off things by having a good catch-up too.
Or chat to the Gransnet community
“Most importantly, talk about how you feel and if you think that those closest to you are ‘all talked out’, talk to us here on GN. You are not alone. Like me, and I’m sure it’s the same for so many estranged people, you’ll be surprised at just how many are going through what we are.”
If you are unsure who to open up to, the Gransnet forums are open 24/7 and there’s a dedicated estrangement topic, where users share advice and offer support to those in similar situations. There’ll also be quite a few of the Gransnet community around at Christmas, especially with restrictions meaning many are spending the day alone, so whether it’s for support or virtual merriment to cheer you up, you can chat anonymously on the forums.
Remember it’s just a day
“I think Christmas can be a minefield most years, but this year is particularly problematic with bubbles and worries about infection. I think there is so much hype surrounding Christmas and the sometimes unrealistic picture of saccharine family harmony.”
The pressure Christmas can cause shouldn’t be underestimated – a survey by the Mental Health Foundation found that more than half of adults in the UK are worried about the mental health of a loved one over the festive period. With sadness caused by estrangement on top of the usual Christmas stresses, it can seem overwhelming – particularly if it’s your first year estranged. Try to remember that it is a short period, and to take each step and day at a time, as Christmas will soon be over and you’re not alone in feeling this way. We have a page on how to deal with loneliness at Christmas that might be useful in finding some coping mechanisms.
Avoid activities that will make you feel worse
“If there are things that you feel are just too hard to do, don’t do them. It’s eight years for us now and I still can’t go to our church’s children’s nativity service or watch them on tv, so I don’t.”
Identify triggers and avoid them where possible. If it’s one of your first Christmases estranged, this might be difficult as you may not necessarily know the things that will bring on feelings of loss until you encounter them, but if the thought of going to or watching something makes you feel uneasy about the memories it may provoke, it’s best to give it a miss if you can.
It might also be worth avoiding social media such as Facebook and Instagram around the time if you feel you may become upset at photos of families spending Christmas together. In this instance, it’s important not to compare yourself and your situation to others, as this is likely to be detrimental to you, and bear in mind that not everything on social media is as it seems.
Think carefully before you communicate
“We’ve never sent anything to our estranged son which to be honest is purely for self preservation, as neither of us could cope with anything we’d sent being returned, or being castigated for sending him something in the first place. Do what feels right for you, do what will help you get through your first or yet another Christmas with estrangement.”
The sentimentality of Christmas may incite nostalgia, and make you want to pick up the phone or put pen to paper to try to reconcile, but before you make any hasty decisions think through whether this is the right thing for you to do. If you receive no reply, will it make you feel worse than before? Would you want to make contact like this if it was any other time of year? Connecting with an estranged relative is obviously a very sensitive topic, but it’s essential that you think things through clearly and objectively before making any big decisions. Our page on estrangement has more information on this.
If you’re struggling with not seeing your grandchildren over Christmas, and are unable to make contact, one gransnetter recommends creating a memory box and putting a card in there for them each year. This way you are acknowledging your grandchild’s Christmas without creating further hostility with their parents: “This will be the first year we haven’t sent them a card in the post, we’ve decided we don’t need to do that anymore, so we will be getting a card for each of them to go in the memory box.”
Be kind to yourself and get help if you need it
It’s been an unimaginably difficult year for many, so go easy on yourself, and remember that even when coping with loss through estrangement, you’re still allowed to feel joy and happiness at Christmas. If you are really struggling and feeling low, it’s important that you seek advice and guidance to help you through this hard time. Here are some organisations which may help if you’re worried about your mental health:
Relate – offer relationship counseling, including family issues
Unhappy families: Nine out ten adults estranged from family find Christmas difficult.
A new report looking at the experiences of people who are estranged from family members and the challenges they face has highlighted the particular difficulties associated with Christmas.
“Social media plays a part because it’s a highlight reel of people’s family lives, with Facebook feeds filled with pictures of families celebrating together.” Lucy Blake
Hidden Voices – Family Estrangement in Adulthood, a collaboration between the charity Stand Alone and the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge, is the first in depth piece of UK research on family estrangement. It examines the experiences of over 800 people who self-identify as being estranged from their whole family or a key family member, such as their mother, father, siblings or children.
Becca Bland, Chief Executive of Stand Alone, says: “Family is a huge part of our individual and collective lives and an unconditionally loving, supportive group of relations is idealised in society. Yet this is not always attainable for those who are estranged from their family or a family member. I’m sure this research will be challenging to read, but I’m hopeful that as a society we have the strength to keep listening to people in this position, with the view to eventually understanding why our adult family relationships are not always as unconditionally close and supportive as we might wish and imagine them to be.”
The report provides an understanding of family estrangement and its characteristics as well as detailing the challenges participants faced when living without contact with family or a key family member. Common factors that contribute to relationship breakdown with parents, siblings and children include emotional abuse, clashes of personality and values, and mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships.
However, estrangement does not necessarily mean there is no contact between family members. A minority of respondents have minimal contact with the person they are estranged from. Similarly, estrangements are not always stable, and cycling in and out of estrangement is not uncommon. Those who wished their estranged relationships could be different wanted a relationship that was more positive, unconditionally loving, warm and emotionally close.
Most often, respondents who were estranged from an adult child reported that their daughter or son had cut contact with them. Of those who had initiated estrangement from a parent, respondents had done so at various ages, with most doing so in their late 20s and early 30s.
The report shows that the festive period is often the most challenging time for those touched by family estrangement and can be a key time of isolation and vulnerability, with 90% of respondents saying they found the Christmas period a key time of challenge. Other challenging times were reported as birthdays (85%), being around other families (81%) and the death of family members (79%).
“Almost every estranged person finds Christmas the hardest period,” explains Dr Lucy Blake from the Centre for Family Research. “There’s a strong societal expectation of what a family looks like. Social media plays a part too because it’s a highlight reel of people’s family lives, with Facebook feeds filled with pictures of families celebrating together. The reality doesn’t always look like this, but people often find it difficult to talk about that.”
Stigma around the topic of family estrangement is also an issue: two-thirds (68%) of respondents felt that there was stigma around the topic of family estrangement and described feeling judged and feeling as if they were contradicting societal expectations. One in four respondents had turned to their GP for support but reported finding them not at all helpful.
However, not all experiences of estrangement were negative. Around four out of five respondents felt there had been some positive outcomes of their experiences of estrangement, such as greater feelings of freedom and independence.
Reference Lucy Blake, Becca Bland and Susan Golombok. Hidden Voices – Family Estrangement in Adulthood. 10 December 2015
Taking The Helm 