15 signs your daughter doesn’t respect you

Co-authored by Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA and Bailey Cho

Toxic Daughter Traits |Dealing with Toxic Behavior |Should I walk away from a toxic child?

Does your adult daughter still throw temper tantrums, make snarky remarks, or give you the silent treatment? If so, you might have an unhealthy parent-child relationship. While it may be the same behavior exhibited during childhood, disrespect from an adult child can feel more hurtful than before—but, it doesn’t mean you have to sit back and take it. In this article, we’re going over all the signs that you have a toxic daughter, plus how to handle her behavior and move forward in the situation.

Things You Should Know

• A toxic daughter may blame you for her problems and refuse to take accountability for her actions. To get what she wants, she might make you feel guilty or invalidate your feelings.
• To deal with toxic behavior, communicate your boundaries clearly. For example, if your daughter yells at you, you can say, “If you raise your voice, I am going to leave the room.”
• If you feel guilty or upset around your daughter, you may have a toxic relationship. If your daughter continues to ignore your boundaries, you may decide to take a step back.

Toxic Daughter Traits

She always criticizes you.

A toxic daughter may say mean things to her parents to make them feel ashamed or humiliated. If your daughter constantly makes unnecessary comments about your age, looks, cooking, behavior, or parenting style, it could be her way of intentionally hurting you.

She doesn’t respect your boundaries

A toxic daughter may not believe in personal space or boundaries, fueling her toxic behavior. Whether she’s always late to meet you or calls you at any given hour (when you’ve asked her not to), this behavior isn’t acceptable for a grown adult—if she continues to act this way, it could harm her relationships with others because she doesn’t care about their time, space, or energy.

She yells at you.

If your daughter raises her voice during an argument, it may be a sign that she’s not emotionally mature. Since she can’t express her emotions in a calm, rational way, the only way to get her point across is to lash out at you (and by overpowering your voice, you may not be able to get a single word in)

She plays the victim.

If your daughter blames you for every problem in her life, she hasn’t learned how to take accountability for her actions. She might say things like, “It’s not my fault,” or “You’re the reason I turned out this way” (even when you don’t have influence over certain situations). By playing the blame game, she’s avoiding her responsibilities as an adult and hindering her personal growth.

She lacks empathy.

If your daughter was neglected or traumatized during childhood, she may be unable to feel or demonstrate empathy as an adult.^[5] While this doesn’t justify her behaviour, it could explain why she makes insensitive or cruel comments. Since she can’t put herself in another person’s shoes, she doesn’t know how to work through conflict in a healthy manner (resulting in aggressive or toxic behaviour)

She’s passive-aggressive.

If your daughter gives you the silent treatment or shuts down conversations with a brisk “Whatever,” or “Fine,” she might have unresolved issues with you. Although this doesn’t give her the right to rudely dismiss you, this could be her way of masking her anger or resentment (and the moment you counter her behaviour, she can use it to justify her passive-aggressive actions)

She’s manipulative.

If your daughter doesn’t get what she wants through aggressive tactics, she may begin to act differently in order to take advantage of you. Whether she acts nicer to you than usual or flat-out ignores you, interpret this as a sign of toxic behavior—she’s playing up her emotions to get her way or convince you to do something for her.

She lies to get her way.

If she can’t get what she wants through aggressive or manipulative tactics, a toxic daughter may resort to lying. No matter how big or small the lie, lying is extremely damaging behavior that breaks the foundation for a healthy relationship (and since it’s coming from your child, it feels like an even greater betrayal of trust)

She gaslights you.

A toxic daughter may invalidate her parents’ experiences to make herself feel better—but it’s definitely not okay. Since gaslighting isn’t as obvious as verbally attacking someone, it can be harder to identify, but if your daughter dismisses or minimizes your feelings (to make you feel like you’re always wrong), take it as a sign that you have an unhealthy relationship.

She doesn’t apologize.

A toxic daughter might believe she knows everything, which explains why she rarely or never apologizes. In her mind, she’s always right, and since she’s refusing to acknowledge anyone else’s opinion, it may feel like you’re talking to a brick wall most of the time.

She makes you feel guilty.

A toxic daughter may bring up her parents’ mistakes to justify her behavior. If your daughter constantly reminds you of a past slip-up, it usually means she’s not over the situation. Because there’s not a definitive way to prove your intentions were caring, she likely won’t forgive you until she addresses the pain and trauma within herself.

She verbally attacks you.

Does your daughter frequently insult, criticize, or bully you? If so, it may be a sign that she has no emotional filter. A toxic daughter isn’t afraid to verbally attack her parents because she doesn’t know how to express her emotions properly (or she simply doesn’t care to). Since there’s only so much verbal abuse you can take, you may end up feeling bad about yourself when she’s not around.

She uses others to get what she wants.

If you have grandchildren, your toxic daughter may refuse to let you see them unless you give her what she wants. This is a clear sign of bullying (and bribery), and it can disrupt your entire family dynamic. By using her children as pawns, she’s playing a game to punish and hurt you.

She’s insulting.

A toxic daughter may simply not care about her parents’ well-being. And if she doesn’t respect their opinions or boundaries, it means she’s not afraid to say things that come off as rude or offensive. If your daughter makes insulting comments about you or your partner, interpret it as a sign that you have an unhealthy relationship.

She’s entitled.

Sometimes, a toxic daughter believes she “deserves” everything she desires (and uses this to justify her behavior). If your daughter praises herself when she does the bare minimum or thinks the world revolves around her, it might explain why she’s so hurtful to you—she doesn’t care about anything other than getting what she wants.

She abandons you after marriage.

While it’s understandable for your daughter to prioritize her partner, it’s not normal to be cut off completely after marriage. If your daughter rarely reaches out unless she wants something, it’s definitely a sign that your relationship is toxic (and has become estranged).

Set healthy boundaries.

To protect your well-being, identify toxic behavior you will not accept and communicate your limits in a clear and direct manner. Try to be as concise and specific as possible so your boundary is easy to remember. For example, if your daughter constantly shouts at you, you could say, “I’m not going to listen to you if you don’t speak in a normal tone. If you raise your voice, I’m going to leave the room.

• Although it can be hard to set healthy boundaries with your child, no one deserves to be disrespected or attacked. You don’t need a reason to be treated with respect, so be extra compassionate to yourself during this process.
• If you’re worried about confrontation, practice the scenario with a trusted friend so you can learn to stay calm in heated situations.^[20]
• If your daughter disregards your boundaries (and you don’t wish to speak to her in person), it’s perfectly okay to send her an email or text to restate them. You could say, “Since you don’t respect me and continue to insult me, I will no longer accept your calls.

Limit your contact if things don’t get better.

Although you shouldn’t have to change your schedule to avoid your daughter, you might find it’s the most effective way to maintain a peaceful life. Regardless of your relationship, you don’t owe anyone your time and energy, so feel free to leave the room if you don’t want to be near your daughter. Or, give yourself a break and go no-contact for a few months until you’re in a better place.

• If you can’t limit physical contact with your daughter, try to limit the emotional energy you spend on her. To protect yourself from negative energy, make a conscious effort to focus on the positive aspects of your life and remind yourself that it’s not your responsibility to “fix” someone.
• While it can be hard to avoid your daughter at family gatherings, try to surround yourself with other people so there’s no opportunity for her to corner you. Avoid sharing the details of your relationship to family members you’re not close to—remember that any information can be used against you.

Get support from loved ones.

If you’re struggling to deal with your daughter’s toxic behavior, talk to a trusted family member or friend to help you process your emotions. Remember that you don’t have to go through this experience alone—a loved one can help you navigate your relationship with your daughter and provide emotional support.

• If you don’t have a strong support network, seek professional help. A therapist is an unbiased third party who can help you figure out the next steps in the healing process.
• If your relationship is seriously affecting your mental health, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse.

If your daughter ignores your boundaries, it may be time to walk away.

At the end of the day, if your daughter continues to attack or belittle you (and you’ve clearly stated your boundaries), you might have to cut ties with her to minimize your pain and suffering. While you can’t control your daughter’s behaviour, you can control if she has access to hurt you, and by distancing yourself, you can begin the road to healing.

• Every relationship is different, so there’s no specific timeline to leave a toxic situation. The decision to walk away is extremely brave and difficult, so reflect on how you feel around your daughter and ask yourself what’s holding you back.
• When leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, be sure to set up an exit strategy with your friends and family. Accept that you may feel guilty at first, but remain firm in your decision.
• Remember that cutting contact with your daughter doesn’t have to be forever. When she’s ready to address and change her behavior, she can reach out to you to repair your relationship.

Wiki How

When adult children still choose the abuser over the loving alienated parent.

There’s nothing quite as powerful as your bond with your parent, even if their ‘parenting’ is rife with lies, greed, neglect and abuse.

Perhaps it was hubris, perhaps it was naivete, but when a loving parent was finally able to tell their (now) adult children the truth after years of Parental Alienation and all their complaints, they expected them to react much differently than they did.

In their position, I would’ve been hungry for the truth. Horrified at the blatant lies of the abusive parent and relieved to embrace the proof the loving parent provided. It would’ve formed a cohesive Big Picture for me.

That’s not how their step-children behaved at all.

They listened politely and said ‘uh-huh’ in a convincing manner. They gathered as much data about the loving parent’s personal lives and finances as they could eke out. They won their trust by telling horrific stories of the abusive parent’s neglect and abuse. Stories that left the loving parent weeping too hard to even speak.

As far as they could tell, at long last they were all on the same page. Truth and love had triumphed over lies and abuse. There was justice in the world after all. the loving parent was vindicated and the adult children seemed happy to have a loving relationship with their parent again. The loving parent enjoyed hearing about their lives and sharing wisdom.

Maybe that was their mistake. As we all do, their children recreated the horror of their childhoods in their choice of partners and lifestyle. the loving parent’s advice for their safety and happiness seemed to fall on deaf ears. Again they said ‘uh-huh’ and did exactly the opposite.

Apparently, it irritated them more than they intimated as, en masse they returned to their lying, abusive parent and betrayed all the loving parent’s confidences. I guess their loyalty was always with the one who exploited them and caused them so much pain. Once again, the loving parent is being called a liar. To say that they feel betrayed and hoodwinked is the understatement of the millennia. Again, they wept.

There was no inkling that they were anything other than delighted, even desperate, to forge a loving adult friendship with their parent after years of Parental Alienation.

Then it was all over. There was no hint, no warning. One day the loving parent was dispensing parental advice and the next, they wanted nothing to do with them. It was as though they had somehow gotten stuck in an infinite time loop, reliving the horror of Parental Alienation again.

Personally, I believe the abusive parent bribed them. They love money more than life itself.

This time the Parental Alienation is different as the children have chosen it of their own free wills as adults. Although saddened, the loving parent’s heart is surprisingly light and, more importantly, their consciences are clear.

They did the right thing and, as the saying goes, ‘water will find its own level’. I guess the adult children enjoy embracing lies. If that’s their level…!

It may sound harsh but the loving parent has decided they will not be giving their children another opportunity to be a part of their life. ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me’. They have not changed. Their abusive parent raised them to spy on the loving one, behaving lovingly to their face but despicably behind their back. Adulthood changed nothing. All grown children have chosen to remain the same in adulthood as they were as teenagers.

The loving parent did their best. They were honest, loving and supportive. If their children don’t want a parent like that at their weddings and cuddling their grandchildren, then it’s their funeral. the loving parent will no longer try to connect with them nor accept their advances. It’s over.

If you are alienated from your children, I hope you too will be reconciled one day. I hope it goes better for you than it went for this parent. But forewarned is forearmed: your Happily Ever After may turn to ashes to.

It’s not your fault.

Psych Central

Please note that this can and often continues when the children become adults.

In Part 1 of this post, I began exploring some of the reasons why kids may side with a man who abuses their mother, especially if he’s their father. We looked in particular at kids’ desperate desire to feel safe – and it feels safer to be on the abuser’s team — and their desire to escape the pain of injustice, which they can do by deciding that Mom deserved what she got.

There are a few additional causes that are as important as the ones I examined in Part 1.

Manipulation By the Abuser

Tragically, most abusers have strong manipulative skills, particularly if they are well-educated. (Yes, the more educated the abuser is, the more psychological damage he can do to kids. But the courts, especially the custody courts, love a well-educated batterer.)

The collection of manipulative tactics they use is endless, so I’ll give just a few examples:

Get Mom upset when she’s trying to spend good time with the kids.

The abuser especially loves to do this at key times, like birthdays or Christmases or the end of a hard day.

His goal is to create the impression in the children that “Mom is just always upset about something,” casting her as hysterical and moody. He sets it up to make it look as though she’s the one who ruined good times that he actually ruined. You can start to feel like you almost never get to have those close moments, because he always messes them up.

Undermine her appropriate efforts to set limits.

Dad comes out looking like he’s the fun parent while Mom is the strict one. This dynamic gets worse after the parents split up, because once he starts to have the children alone with him he can get away with doing whatever he wants – which often means letting them get away with doing whatever they want.

The custody court is two-faced on this issue. They’ll declare that parents need to provide a united front for the children; but then when Mom points out that Dad is destroying her maternal authority by letting the kids run wild at his house, the court turns condescending and says to her, “Part of divorce is accepting that each parent is going to have a different parenting style.”

As if the problem had anything to do with “different parenting styles”! The custody courts are the absolute kings and queens of euphemism. They really can’t get it that a domestic abuser loves to destroy the mother’s parental authority?

Of course, at the times when the abuser is mad at the kids he switches into his other personality, sometimes turning outright cruel in his punishments, such as not letting kids go to events that are hugely important to them. Mr. Nice Guy simply disappears when he doesn’t like the way someone is standing up to him, and the real abuser comes out. But the trauma that he causes at these times actually works to his advantage, tragically, because it makes his nice times seem even more dazzling to his (wounded) children.

 Lying

Good manipulators are good liars, and the domestic abuser lies and lies and lies. It’s overwhelming to kids – unbearable, really – to accept the fact that one of their parents is routinely and deliberately dishonest with them. It makes the world feel too scary. So children tend to convince themselves that what he’s saying must be true, even when deep down inside they know it isn’t. As the years go by, the children feel more and more confused about what’s real and what isn’t. And they start to pull away from Mom emotionally because of all the bad things they are being told about her, some of which make her sound absolutely awful.

The custody courts get sick of Mom always saying what a liar Dad is, but it’s the court’s own fault, because they refuse to look into what she’s telling them. If they would bother to check it out, they could easily see that she’s right. (I know how easy it is, because I used to do custody investigations for courts myself, and 90% of the time I could find out which parent was telling the truth by making even the most minimal effort to examine the evidence; but most court personnel, and court-appointed personnel, refuse to do so, and just choose to believe the abuser instead.)

Control the kids’ access to what they want.

For example, he takes various steps to keep Mom financially broke, then he gets a nice house and buys the children all kinds of things. He looks generous and Mom looks stingy.

Next, he reaches out to relatives of Mom’s and kisses up to them. The next thing you know, the kids are seeing their maternal cousins through him instead of through Mom. (Yes, I run into cases like this over and over again; more on this below.)

Then he tells teenagers he’ll buy them a car, but only if they come to live primarily with him.

And on and on it goes. He keeps setting it up so that he’s the pathway to the things that they desire in life.

I could write a whole book just about how abusive men manipulate kids. But the above examples capture some of the key dynamics that they set up.

Using Societal Messages to His Advantage

The predominant culture in the U.S. and across much of the globe, teaches that:

*  Mom’s have the primary responsibility for kids, including for keeping them safe.

*  Dads are to be admired if they make any significant contribution to child rearing (in other words, mothers and fathers are judged by entirely different standards, including by the courts).

*  Mothers are hysterical and worry too much about nothing.

*  Kids can’t turn out okay without a father, especially not boys. They need their father no matter how abusive he is or how absent he has been.

I get so sick of movie after movie (there are dozens of them) where the father is terrible to his children — through some combination of severe neglect and outright mistreatment — and then he finally comes through for his kids years later and we’re supposed to think that’s so wonderful and touching. But find me a single movie where a mother disappears for years (by choice) and then the audience is made to feel moved by the fact that she decided to show up again; I doubt you can do it.

Kids see these movies and they absorb the unhealthy message, along with all the other ones from the list above. And the abuser actively encourages these twisted, sexist values.

Children also can’t help absorbing the powerful reality that in modern society men have far more power than women do. So siding with the abuser doesn’t just put you on the winning side within your own family’s power dynamic, it puts you on the privileged side in the world. This reality is especially seductive for boys, who see that becoming like their abusive Dad opens for them a whole world that they can exploit.

Using Toxicity that Already Exists in the Family Tree

   Let’s face it, most family trees have their own issues with addiction, domestic violence, greed, child sexual abuse, narcissism, and other toxic patterns. I’ve rarely talked to anyone who didn’t have at least some of these serious problems present in a few key relatives, and for some people the family tree is riddled with them. (And this is true whether your family tree is rich or poor, formally educated or not, from this culture or from that culture.)

The abuser often builds allies by connecting to toxic individuals among the relatives. He especially loves it when he can build relationships with toxic relatives of Mom’s, and thereby use her own people against her.

The custody courts just eat this one up. They’ll say to Mom, in a tone of contempt, “Your own parents, and one of your sisters as well, have told us that you’re the problem.” Have they bothered to look into what these people are like? Of course not. If they did, they’d find out exactly why these people would side with a man who was abusing their daughter or their sister. (This precise dynamic comes up in my book In Custody.)

These unholy alliances can influence children. The message from Dad, whether actually spoken aloud or not, is, “See how I get along with everyone, while Mom is refusing to speak to several of them?”

Fortunately these maneuvers are much harder to pull off when the Mom has a healthier family tree, and it’s even better if the abuser himself has pretty healthy relatives. But I talk to a lot of mothers who weren’t even aware of how much toxicity there was among their own relatives until they started to see people lining up behind the abuser. And in our times, when there’s been so much public indoctrination teaching people that kids will have ruined lives if they don’t have a father, the abuser can get a lot of mileage by going around crying to the relatives, “All I’m asking is to be able to play a role in my children’s lives.” And their hearts just bleed for him.

Men who care about their children don’t abuse the children’s mother. The damage that it does to children when you abuse their mother is so obvious that you simply can’t miss it — unless you really only care about yourself. The notion that a man can abuse the mother of his children but still be a good father is absurd; abusing a mother is the positive definition of terrible fathering.

But good luck getting toxic relatives – or the custody courts, which currently are as toxic as your worst relatives – to see that obvious fact.

Lundy Bancroft

Research suggests that all kids lie, but parents and schools play a role.

Children lie.

When, how, and why do they develop this unpleasant habit? There is a considerable amount of evidence suggesting that most children first begin to lie around the ages of two or three. Anyone who has been around young little liars know that they aren’t particularly skilful deceivers at that age.

Their lies are far-fetched, inconsistent with the evidence, or change dramatically over time. While they seem to understand the concept of planting a false belief in another’s mind, they just haven’t yet figured out the best ways to execute the dishonesty.

One can view lying as a complex cognitive and social task. In order to tell an effective lie, a child needs to understand that their goal is different from the goal of someone else.

They also need to understand that other people can have different beliefs than their own (this is referred to as theory of mind). They need to be able to create and present a narrative that causes others to form a false belief. They need to selectively present the narrative in such a way that it is consistent with tangible evidence that is available and is also plausible.

And finally, they need to conceal the truthful information that they have. Each of these capabilities is not something that children are born with. Rather, they are mental faculties that develop over time. As with all developmental milestones, not all children begin lying at the same age, and they are not all equally adept liars.

Interestingly, until children develop a theory of mind or the understanding that other people have separate minds, wants, and beliefs, they do not lie. It seems that once they come to understand that other people can hold different beliefs, they begin to capitalize on that understanding, attempting to create false beliefs in the minds of others.

In one fascinating study by an international group of research psychologists in China, Canada, and the U.S., the researchers closely examined this link between theory of mind and lying in children. The researchers gathered a large group of three-year-olds who had not yet shown any propensity to lie. The researchers confirmed that the children had not yet learned to lie by placing them in situations where a simple lie would allow them to gain a reward. None of the children lied.

In the next phase of the study, the researchers taught some of the children about theory of mind. Through a series of training exercises, they taught the kids that people can hold beliefs different from their own and that sometimes these beliefs are incorrect.

Next, they brought all of the children back and again placed them in situations where lying would allow the children to gain a reward (a sticker that they indicated was their favorite). It turned out that children who had received the theory of mind training lied the majority of the time, whereas the children who did not receive the training remained largely honest. Thus, it seems that an understanding of theory of mind seems to launch us into our lifelong patterns of deception.

It may not come as a surprise that the environment in which a child is reared influences their propensity to lie. In a study carried out by Jennifer Lavoie and others, researchers examined how different types of social indoctrination in the home influences children’s lying behaviour.

What the researchers found is that all parents tend to instruct their children not to lie, yet all children seem to lie. More interestingly, they found that some parents’ attitudes about lying were more permissive than others.

These permissive parents told their children that while lying is wrong, sometimes it is necessary. The children of the more permissive parents turned out to lie significantly more often. Thus, parental attitudes about lying seem to have a large influence on how dishonest children are.

Instead of simply instructing children that lying is wrong, Victoria Talwar and her colleagues found that the form of instruction was particularly important. In their study, they examined the effects that fables and stories about honesty had on children.

Their findings suggest that using such stories was an effective tool for teaching children about lying and promoting honesty. However, they found that stories with more punitive anti-lying themes, such as “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” did not reduce lying, while stories that focused on the positive aspect of honesty, such “George Washington and the Cherry Tree,” did promote greater levels of honesty in children.

This means that if we want our children to be honest, we need to promote the benefits of honesty rather than focusing on the costs of dishonesty.

One additional feature of the home life that influences children’s deception is the presence of older siblings in the home.

Kids who have older siblings learn to tell lies at an earlier age than those who lack an older brother or sister. Children are keen observational learners, picking up skill by simply watching those around them.

It may be that an older sibling who has already mastered the art of deception serves as a mentor or guide in deception to their younger siblings.

Child development is also influenced by the educational environment. When researchers studied the honesty of children who attended schools that were very punitive, compared to schools that were more permissive with their students, they found that children from the more punitive schools were much more effective liars.

The researchers argued that being in a punitive environment effectively facilitates learning the skills needed to avoid punishment, such as lying.

As children develop, they internalize a belief system about the morality of dishonesty. Developmental psychologists have found that very young children tend to hold very rigid moral attitudes about lying. They see lying as being categorically wrong in all cases.

However, as children reach the age of 10, their views begin to change. Moving from 10 to 18, children begin to develop a more nuanced attitude about lying, in which the rightness or wrongness of a lie depends on the outcomes that it produces. They begin to view lies told to protect the feelings of others as morally acceptable. Essentially, their moral attitudes about lying come to resemble those of adults.

Taken together, all of the evidence seems to paint a clearer picture of when, why, and how children lie. It looks as if children start off quite honest, but that honesty is tied to a self-centered belief that their mental experiences are the only ones that exist. Once they come to see that others are capable of having different beliefs, they begin to use lies to trick people.

It also seems clear that while all children learn to lie, the socialization they are exposed to at home and at school influences the degree to which they practice lying. All children lie, and trying to stamp out lying altogether may be a fool’s errand. Parents may be well-advised to accept that their kids lie, and focus their efforts on shaping the frequency and types of lies that their children tell.

Psychology Today

….with one word.

As a parent coach, I often hear concerns similar to what Joan recently said to me: “My adult daughter Briana knows exactly what to say to make me feel guilty and then I give in to her unreasonable demands. I try to be kind and generous but she makes me feel like I am the worst, most unsupportive parent in the world!”

Before I go further, let me say this: I realize that there are many toxic parents of adult children out there. If you are an adult child of truly toxic parents who traumatized you, I empathize. I also work with many adult children who have been mistreated and abused by parents. And as a parent myself, I’ve made my own share of mistakes and could have done some things better. At the same time, there are countless parents who try their best while falling far short of being perfect.

So, if you happen to be a frustrated adult child, know and reclaim your value. Don’t compromise your worth by riding on a horse named Victim and repeatedly heading to the same rodeo. Don’t blame your parents for your own struggles without also taking a look in the mirror. Ask yourself how you can move toward your own valuable independence. Bottom line: Learn to feel good about knowing your own value as an adult even if your parent(s) did not do the best job of seeing it or expressing it.

Returning now to the opening of this post: Joan’s description of her adult daughter, Briana, (names changed for privacy) is heart-wrenching. She feels vulnerable to her adult daughter’s manipulations. Many of my clients share similar stories with me. They feel sucked into the vortex of guilt-inducing messages such as:

• If you really loved me, you wouldn’t question why I need this!
• You make me feel like the black sheep of this family!
• You’re selfish and never think about anyone but yourself!
• You invalidate me all the time!
• I thought I could count on you but obviously I can’t!
• Fine, I’ll just end up homeless!

As a parent, maybe you can identify with being on the receiving end of toxic, manipulative messages like these. And if you can, you may ask, “So, now what do I do?” I can tell you that Joan learned to respond to these types of manipulations from Briana in a much more emotionally healthier way.

Now, what about you?

If you are sick and tired of the manipulation, here’s a helpful word to empower you: Enough! As in, Enough is enough!

When your adult child tries to engage you through shame with pressuring demands, when your adult child is emotionally abusive, or when your adult child fails to acknowledge your love and/or the positive things you have done, you have to draw the line and say, or at the very least, think, Enough:

• Enough of being a punching bag for misplaced and displaced disappointments and frustrations.
• Enough of beating yourself up for past mistakes you’ve made as a parent.
• Enough of being what I call a SWAT team parent. Stop setting yourself up to be on call to automatically respond to and solve the next manufactured, drama-laden crisis.
• Enough negatively comparing yourself to parents of adult children who do not have the same struggles as your own.

The next time your adult child tries to manipulate you or is hurtful toward you, step back and do the following:

Whether communicating in person, on the phone, or through text messages, within your mind, rise up and watch the toxic manipulations from above.

Understand these manipulations for what they are and thank yourself for seeing them instead of getting sucked in and being a victim to them.

Now, think “Enough!” and, if you feel it’s appropriate, then also say, “Enough.”

Realize that now knowing when enough is enough empowers you to set those crucial boundaries with your adult child and no longer be a victim of manipulations.

Jeffrey Bernstein.

Psychology Today