Category: Bereavement and Grief

Suicidal Feelings

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(Image – Unsplash)

Why do I feel suicidal?

Suicidal feelings can affect anyone, of any age, gender or background, at any time.

If you are feeling suicidal it is likely that you have felt increasingly hopeless and worthless for some time. You may not know what has caused you to feel this way but it is often a combination of factors.

Common causes of suicidal feelings

Struggling to cope with certain difficulties in your life can cause you to feel suicidal. These difficulties may include:

If you are unsure of why you feel suicidal, you may find it even harder to believe that there could be a solution. But whatever the reason, there is support available to help you cope and overcome these feelings.

Can medication cause suicidal feelings?

Some medications, such as antidepressants, can cause some people to experience suicidal feelings. This side effect is often associated with a type of antidepressant called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). But all antidepressants have this as a possible risk.

Some research shows that young people under the age of 25 are more likely to experience suicidal feelings when taking these medications. 

Some antipsychotic medications and mood stabilisers also cause some people to experience suicidal feelings.

If you experience suicidal feelings while taking psychiatric medication, you should talk to your GP as soon as possible about this.

Feeling suicidal

Suicide is the act of intentionally taking your own life.

Suicidal feelings can mean having abstract thoughts about ending your life or feeling that people would be better off without you. Or it can mean thinking about methods of suicide or making clear plans to take your own life.

If you are feeling suicidal, you might be scared or confused by these feelings. You may find the feelings overwhelming. 

But you are not alone. Many people think about suicide at some point in their lifetime.

What does it feel like to be suicidal?

Different people have different experiences of suicidal feelings. You might feel unable to cope with the difficult feelings you are experiencing. You may feel less like you want to die and more like you cannot go on living the life you have.

These feelings may build over time or might change from moment to moment. And it’s common to not understand why you feel this way.

How you might think or feel

  • hopeless, like there is no point in living
  • tearful and overwhelmed by negative thoughts
  • unbearable pain that you can’t imagine ending
  • useless, not wanted or not needed by others
  • desperate, as if you have no other choice
  • like everyone would be better off without you
  • cut off from your body or physically numb
  • fascinated by death. 

What you may experience

  • poor sleep, including waking up earlier than you want to
  • a change in appetite, weight gain or loss
  • no desire to take care of yourself, for example neglecting your physical appearance
  • wanting to avoid others
  • making a will or giving away possessions
  • struggling to communicate
  • self-loathing and low self-esteem
  • urges to self-harm.

How long will I feel suicidal?

How long suicidal feelings last is different for everyone. It is common to feel as if you’ll never be happy or hopeful again.

But with treatment and support, including self-care, the majority of people who have felt suicidal go on to live fulfilling lives.

The earlier you let someone know how you’re feeling, the quicker you’ll be able to get support to overcome these feelings. But it can feel difficult to open up to people.

You may want others to understand what you’re going through, but you might feel:

  • unable to tell someone
  • unsure of who to tell
  • concerned that they won’t understand
  • fearful of being judged
  • worried you’ll upset them.

If you feel like this, you might find it helpful to show our pages on supporting someone else with suicidal feelings to someone you trust. This can be a good way of starting the conversation and can give them suggestions of how they can help you.

It’s important to remember that you deserve support, you are not alone and there is support out there.

Mind.org

Are There More Suicides at Christmas Time?

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The Seven Greatest Myths About Suicide Reviewed by Kaja Perina

Myth One – Suicide is very uncommon. False. In the US, nearly 30,000 people die by suicide each year, and the rate of attempted suicide is much higher—so much so that there is an estimated one attempted suicide per minute. Worldwide, suicide claims more deaths than accidents, homicides, and war combined. And many cases of suicide, particularly in the elderly, go completely undetected and unaccounted.

Myth Two – People often commit suicide for rational reasons. False. Psychiatrists believe that over 90 per cent of cases of suicide are not the result of a rational decision but of mental disorder. Suicidal ideation can be particularly intense in people with a mental disorder who are unmedicated or who are resistant to or non-compliant with their medication, and/or who are experiencing certain high risk symptoms such as delusions of persecution, delusions of control, delusions of jealousy, delusions of guilt, and commanding second-person auditory hallucinations (for example, a voice saying, ‘Take that knife and kill yourself’).

Myth Three – People are most likely to commit suicide around Christmas time. False. Contrary to popular belief, the suicide rate peaks in the springtime, not the wintertime. This is probably because the rebirth that marks springtime accentuates feelings of hopelessness in those already suffering with it. In contrast, around Christmas time most people with suicidal thoughts are offered some degree of protection by the proximity of their relatives and the prospect, at least in the Northern Hemisphere, of ‘things getting better from here’.

Myth Four – The suicide rate rises during times of economic depression and falls during times of economic boom. False. The suicide rate rises during times of economic depression and during times of economic boom, as people feel ‘left behind’ if every Tom, Dick, and Harry seems to be racing ahead. Although economists focus on the absolute size of salaries, several sociological studies have found that the effect of money on happiness results less from the things that money can buy (absolute income effect) than from comparing one’s income to that of one’s peers (relative income effect). This may explain the finding that people in developed countries such as the USA and the UK are no happier than 50 years ago; despite being considerably richer, healthier, and better travelled, they have only barely managed to ‘keep up with the Joneses’.

Myth Five – The suicide rate rises during times of war and strife. False. The suicide rate falls during times of national cohesion or coming together, such as during a war or its modern substitute, the international sporting tournament. During such times there is not only a feeling of ‘being in it together’, but also a sense of anticipation and curiosity as to what is going to happen next. For instance, a study looking at England and Wales found that the number of suicides reported for the month of September 2001 (in the aftermath of 9/11) was significantly lower than for any other month of that year, and lower than for any month of September in 22 years. According to the author of the study, these findings ‘support Durkheim’s theory that periods of external threat create group integration within society and lower the suicide rate through the impact on social cohesion’.

Myth Six – Suicide is always an act of individual despair and never a learned behavior. False. For example, the suicide rate rises after the depiction or prominent reporting of a suicide in the media. A suicide that is inspired by another suicide, either in the media or in real life, is sometimes referred to as a ‘copycat suicide’, and the phenomenon itself as the ‘Werther effect’. In 1774 the German polymath JW Goethe (1749–1832) published a novel called The Sorrows of Young Werther in which the fictional character of Werther shoots himself following an ill-fated romance. Within no time at all, young men from all over Europe began committing suicide using exactly the same method as Werther and the book had to be banned in several places. In some cases suicide can spread through an entire local community with one copycat suicide giving rise to the next, and so on. Such a ‘suicide contagion’ is most likely to occur in vulnerable population groups such as disaffected teenagers and people with a mental disorder.

Myth Seven – Someone who has been admitted to hospital is no longer at risk of committing suicide. False. Psychiatric in-patients are at an especially high risk of committing suicide despite the sometimes continuous care and supervision that they receive: every year in England, about 150 psychiatric in-patients commit suicide. The risk of suicide is also increased in medical and surgical in-patients in general hospitals. Medical and surgical in-patients suffering from illnesses that are terminal, that involve chronic (long-term) pain or disability, or that directly affect the brain are at an especially high risk of suicide. Examples of such illnesses include cancer, early-onset diabetes, stroke, epilepsy, multiple sclerosis, and AIDS.

Psychology Today

Coping with Bereavement at Christmas

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Christmas can be an incredibly difficult period for those who have been bereaved. Adverts, television programmes, and even Christmas music which emphasise love and togetherness around the Christmas tree can really put the boot in if you’re aching with the grief of bereavement.

Christmas is a time of heightened feeling, laden with memories for many of us. Reactions to bereavement differ from person to person. For some grieving people, Christmas can be a very joyful time, in which happy times with lost loved ones can be fondly remembered. But this isn’t always the case. If you’re worried that you’re going to be struggling with grief this Christmas – no matter how long ago your bereavement was – here is some advice on coping with bereavement at Christmas:

SHOULD YOU CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS AFTER A BEREAVEMENT?

The way people treat Christmas following a bereavement differs a lot. Some people worry that it is disrespectful to celebrate a festival like Christmas while mourning, while others think that following the traditions in which the deceased once participated is a good way to honour their memory. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to celebrate Christmas (or not!) after a bereavement. You must do what feels right for yourself and your family. However, it is important not to torture or ‘punish’ yourself by deliberately shunning much-loved festivities (or vice versa).

If you are spending Christmas with other bereaved family members, do be sensitive to the fact that their grief and your grief may be occurring in very different ways. It’s not uncommon for bereaved families to come into conflict over the Christmas period, as family members may differ in their idea of how to respect the deceased during this time. Some may take objection to celebrating Christmas at all, while others may try hard to emphasise the positives of the season. Often, some family members wish to stick rigidly to established festive rituals and routines which others feel will bring up painful memories. If your mode of dealing with Christmas during this time differs from that of your loved ones, do be aware that nobody is trying to disrespect the deceased or to minimise their loss – they’re simply coping with that loss in a different way. Everyone’s grief is valid. If you’re struggling to communicate with your grieving loved ones during this time, a counsellor may be able to help.

HOW CAN YOU MANAGE YOUR GRIEF AT CHRISTMAS?

Don’t wrestle with Christmas pressures. There’s an intense amount of pressure around Christmas – to do certain things, buy certain things, be with certain people. This pressure can be difficult even for those who are not struggling with grief. Don’t cave to any pressures you do not feel will be good for you. If you want to stay home on your own and have a quiet day, you do that. If you’d rather throw a big party for the whole family, you do that, too. But don’t feel that you HAVE to do anything.

 Practise self-care. Be kind to yourself. This is not the same as indulging your every whim (although a bit of self-indulgence can help!). It means following a lifestyle which works well for your physical and mental health. Try to keep your sleep patterns regular, eat healthily, and take some exercise every now and again. Christmas can disrupt normal lifestyles and routines significantly, so make a point of taking extra care of yourself during this period.

 Remember that you are not alone. A great many people have to struggle with the memories of their loved ones’ passing around this time. Even those who have not lost loved ones close to Christmas will undoubtedly be remembering those who used to join them for Christmas dinner but have since passed on. While it may seem as though everyone else is enjoying a happy time surrounded by perfect, loving families, the truth is that almost everyone will be sparing a thought for absent loved ones during this time.

LONELINESS AT CHRISTMAS AFTER A BEREAVEMENT

If bereavement has left you alone at Christmas, we understand that this can be very hard. Loneliness is a difficult and dangerous thing at the best of times, but it feels particularly brutal at Christmas.

If you are going to be alone for Christmas, and would rather not be, there are options open to you. People or organisations in your local community may be opening their doors for Christmas meals and events. If you are not sure where to look for these, contact Community Christmas, who may be able to help. If you have loved ones but cannot reach them physically for Christmas, a phone call or even a simple card can make the world of difference. Do not be afraid to reach out and ask for company and support. This is the season of goodwill, after all, and people can be very generous with their time and their homes.

Of course, the option of counselling around Christmas is always available to you, should you feel the need.

HOW CAN COUNSELLING HELP WITH GRIEF AND LOSS AT CHRISTMAS?

If you’re worried about grief and loss at Christmas, it can be helpful to speak with an accredited counsellor. Your counsellor will help you to work through your memories, your feelings, and your worries in a safe and supportive way. They may also provide you with strategies which will make the festive period an easier and perhaps even a happier time for you moving forward. Many people find that, as the years pass, Christmas transitions from a time marred by the pain of bereavement to a time of fond reflection, during which happy memories of lost loved ones can be shared and treasured. This transition can be a long process, but counselling from an accredited therapist with whom you have a good rapport can really help you to move this process along.

National Counselling Society

Estranged from Family at Christmas

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Unhappy families: Nine out ten adults estranged from family find Christmas difficult.

A new report looking at the experiences of people who are estranged from family members and the challenges they face has highlighted the particular difficulties associated with Christmas.

“Social media plays a part because it’s a highlight reel of people’s family lives, with Facebook feeds filled with pictures of families celebrating together.” Lucy Blake

Hidden Voices – Family Estrangement in Adulthood, a collaboration between the charity Stand Alone and the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge, is the first in depth piece of UK research on family estrangement. It examines the experiences of over 800 people who self-identify as being estranged from their whole family or a key family member, such as their mother, father, siblings or children.

Becca Bland, Chief Executive of Stand Alone, says: “Family is a huge part of our individual and collective lives and an unconditionally loving, supportive group of relations is idealised in society. Yet this is not always attainable for those who are estranged from their family or a family member. I’m sure this research will be challenging to read, but I’m hopeful that as a society we have the strength to keep listening to people in this position, with the view to eventually understanding why our adult family relationships are not always as unconditionally close and supportive as we might wish and imagine them to be.”

The report provides an understanding of family estrangement and its characteristics as well as detailing the challenges participants faced when living without contact with family or a key family member. Common factors that contribute to relationship breakdown with parents, siblings and children include emotional abuse, clashes of personality and values, and mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships.

However, estrangement does not necessarily mean there is no contact between family members. A minority of respondents have minimal contact with the person they are estranged from. Similarly, estrangements are not always stable, and cycling in and out of estrangement is not uncommon. Those who wished their estranged relationships could be different wanted a relationship that was more positive, unconditionally loving, warm and emotionally close.

Most often, respondents who were estranged from an adult child reported that their daughter or son had cut contact with them. Of those who had initiated estrangement from a parent, respondents had done so at various ages, with most doing so in their late 20s and early 30s.

The report shows that the festive period is often the most challenging time for those touched by family estrangement and can be a key time of isolation and vulnerability, with 90% of respondents saying they found the Christmas period a key time of challenge. Other challenging times were reported as birthdays (85%), being around other families (81%) and the death of family members (79%).

“Almost every estranged person finds Christmas the hardest period,” explains Dr Lucy Blake from the Centre for Family Research. “There’s a strong societal expectation of what a family looks like. Social media plays a part too because it’s a highlight reel of people’s family lives, with Facebook feeds filled with pictures of families celebrating together. The reality doesn’t always look like this, but people often find it difficult to talk about that.”

Stigma around the topic of family estrangement is also an issue: two-thirds (68%) of respondents felt that there was stigma around the topic of family estrangement and described feeling judged and feeling as if they were contradicting societal expectations. One in four respondents had turned to their GP for support but reported finding them not at all helpful.

However, not all experiences of estrangement were negative. Around four out of five respondents felt there had been some positive outcomes of their experiences of estrangement, such as greater feelings of freedom and independence.

Reference
Lucy Blake, Becca Bland and Susan Golombok. Hidden Voices – Family Estrangement in Adulthood. 10 December 2015

University of Cambridge

How to Cope With Grief at Christmas

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The Christmas holidays inevitably arrive, both for those who welcome them and those who don’t. The streets are decorated, the moods of those around us change, and certain memories become particularly intense, especially those that remind us of loved ones who are no longer with us. In fact, nostalgia can become a dense fog that seems to cover everything. Indeed, dealing with grief at Christmas isn’t easy at all.

In reality, there’s no magic, unique, and universal recipe for dealing with grief at this time of year. Every bereaved individual has their own experiences and will need to put in place different coping mechanisms to get through this difficult time.

However, if you’re in this position, it’s important to remember that you don’t owe anything to anyone and that looking after yourself is a priority right now. Whether you need to isolate yourself or prefer to participate in the festivities, make sure you make your decisions without worrying about what others will think of you. Right now, that’s irrelevant.

Grief at Christmas and its associated emotions

As we mentioned earlier, Christmas can be especially complicated if you’re grieving. You may have written a narrative that allows you to reconstruct your emotional state for your usual day-to-day routine; a valuable story, but also a really fragile one. However, its power becomes insufficient when stimuli occur that evoke memories of your lost loved one. They intensify your feelings of emptiness.

As a rule, you’ll feel overwhelmingly sad. You might also feel apathetic as if absolutely nothing is enjoyable. In addition, you may feel guilty for spoiling the fun of others around you. However, you just can’t join in with their celebrations.

This unfulfilled desire may also make you feel helpless or irritable and even angry.

Ways to deal with grief at Christmas

When you’re faced with this kind of situation, you tend to unconsciously adopt certain strategies that don’t always help:

Escaping and isolating yourself

One of the most common reactions is to try to distance yourself from everything that’s even slightly reminiscent of Christmas. For instance, the decorations, the carols, the traditions… everything that reminds you of the person you’ve lost. In fact, you may try to shut down your senses and try to make the festivities pass as soon as possible.

If this is the case, you won’t decorate your house and avoid Christmas music, shopping for gifts, and family gatherings. Instead, you prefer to stay at home, isolated from the outside world and from the joy that seems to be all around, yet feels a world away from you.

Acting as if nothing has happened

On the other hand, maybe you’ve decided to carry on as usual and to behave as if you haven’t suffered a loss at all. If so, you carry on the old traditions out of sheer inertia, go to social gatherings, and force yourself not to remember your loved one during the festive period in order to maintain your composure. Somehow, you manage to repress the pain that the holidays arouse while trying to convince yourself and others that all is well.

Creating new traditions

A middle option is to choose to create new traditions for this time of year. This means that, since the previous ones are too reminiscent of your loved one, and the idea of isolating yourself sounds sad and painful, you may decide to generate new plans for Christmas.

For example, you might choose to travel, spend the holidays with different people, or introduce other kinds of changes to your traditional celebrations.

Advice if you’re grieving at Christmas

Although the above reactions are extremely common, they’re neither the best nor the desired ones. In fact, research has proved that, of the various kinds of coping strategies, those that are suppressive or reactive (avoiding or acting impulsively) only increase discomfort. On the contrary, reflection, the expression of emotions, and the search for social support helps the individual alleviate their discomfort and move on.

Bearing this in mind, here are some guidelines that you can follow if you’re dealing with grief this Christmas

1. Reflect on what you want

As we mentioned earlier, grief is a highly personal experience and you have the right to feel it and experience it at your own pace and in your own way. Therefore, firstly, think about how you’d like to spend Christmas.

Decide if you want to go to social gatherings or not. Do you want to decorate, buy gifts, and participate in others’ Christmas plans or not? Or, do you want to introduce some changes in your traditions? Give yourself permission to decide what you feel is right, and communicate it to the people around you so that they can respect your decisions.

2. Lean on your loved ones

Even if you prefer not to participate in the festivities, it’s important that you don’t isolate yourself completely during this season. You need to be able to express and share the intense emotions you may feel. A phone call or a quiet chat with someone close can be extremely useful in this regard.

3. Plan and ask for help

If you decide to join in with the parties and gatherings, you may not be able to do it in the same way as in other years, as your circumstances have changed. For example, maybe you’d prefer not to host any gatherings in your home this year, or perhaps you need someone to accompany you to do the shopping or put up the decorations.

Don’t feel pressured to handle everything. Allow yourself to go at your own pace. Likewise, accept the company and the practical and emotional support of those who love you.

4. Practice self-care

It’s important that you’re aware of your needs and feelings. Make sure you get enough rest, eat correctly, and get outside so you can move around and be in contact with nature. These simple actions will have a positive impact on your mood and help you cope with your grief.

Also, allow yourself to cry if you need to, breathe deeply when you need to calm down, and don’t stay in any place or situation if you don’t want to. Prioritize yourself. Self-care involves reflecting on how you’re experiencing your grief and the loss of your loved one.

5. Give your loved one space

Finally, although you may not feel like doing it, it could be positive to find a way to remember and honor the memory of your loved one during these holidays. You can create a small tradition or ritual to perform alone or in the company of others that helps you feel closer to them or to give thanks for the times you shared together.

Remembering anecdotes, listening to your favorite song, preparing the dish you used to cook, or placing a photograph of them on the table when you’re sitting around it with the rest of your family are all good options. However, it’s entirely your decision to choose how you want to carry out any tribute.

Be patient with yourself

In short, the most important thing is that you try to give yourself time and don’t demand too much of yourself or blame yourself for any decisions you make. There’s no right or wrong way to act. Whatever you feel you need is okay.

If pangs of grief appear unexpectedly, allow yourself to go through them. Above all, go at your own pace. Mourning is a process. If it’s recent, you mustn’t rush it.

Exploring The Mind

Exploring your mind

Mother’s Day – Estranged Adult Children

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Mother’s Day, and special days: Triggering pain for mothers of estranged adult children

by Sheri McGregor, M.A.

Here it comes again—Mother’s Day in the United States and in Canada. Mothers of estranged adult children in the U.K. have already seen Mother’s Day come and go. Soon, mothers in Canada and in the States will be on the other side of the holiday too—until next year, when it rolls around all over again.

Hang in there. Mother’s Day won’t stop coming just because we’re estranged. And having spoken with thousands of parents who’ve been cut off by adult children, the reality is that the situation may not be ending for you anytime soon either. That’s why it’s so important for you to adapt.

What can you do?

Since starting this site, I’ve written a few articles about getting through Mother’s Day when adult children are estranged. You’ll find in them practical advice and concrete tips. You’ll also find comments from mothers of estranged adult children who share their experiences, and acknowledge the emotional pain. In this article, we’ll focus on Mother’s Day from an emotional triggers perspective.

Mother’s Day when adult children are estranged: Avoiding extra hurt

Mother’s Day, like any time when we’re particularly reminded of an estranged adult child and the relationship we used to share, can trigger an onslaught of feelings. While it’s helpful to acknowledge the pain, it’s also easy to slip into a looping circle of thoughts that bring us down. Everyone else is having fun, and I’m sitting home alone. What did I do to deserve this? This is so embarrassing. Nobody understands.

Each of us has our own personal version of woeful thoughts. And scrolling through Facebook with its stream of happy family shots might fuel the feelings behind them. Protect yourself if you need to.  Just as social media can push emotional buttons, going to a brunch on Mother’s Day when you’ll be surrounded by families also might not be helpful either. Do you have other adult children or family who want to take you out? Remember, this is your day. You get to choose! Take care of yourself.

Coping Mindfully

What else might make you feel sad or lonely? Make a few notes of what will hurt or help–and then be proactive. Mother’s Day when your adult children are estranged is similar to other times that are particularly hurtful because they remind you of loss, stress, or grief. In my book, Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, in one story, Julia misses her only son. They were very close, and in the early mornings, he used to call her daily to chat. Julia had come to expect those calls. So after the estrangement, she would stare at the silent phone. Time gaped, and she felt horribly alone and sad.

Before her son walked away from the family, Julia’s mornings revolved around those calls. Their chat sessions had become part of her routine. They connected her to her son, and to the life they shared. But post-estrangement, Julia learned to adapt. Using one of the tools in the first chapter of the book, the first step toward her healing was to alter her routine. Looking at her phone each morning, wishing it would ring, only reminded her of what she’d lost.

Emotional hiccups

Just as mornings were particularly difficult for Julia, Mother’s Day can prick up the feelings of loneliness and rejection that are common with estrangement from adult children. For some it’s a particular song. Others might be bothered by a particular sporting event, or other recreation. Even if you don’t realize why, you might find yourself overeating, grousing at the cat, or having troublesome dreams. The feelings or behavior may be related to emotions triggered by a holiday like Mother’s Day, or another personally significant day.

While I’m past the pain of estrangement, certain places and activities do remind me of my estranged adult child. Eating strawberries makes me think of him—he’d choose them over any sugary dessert. And a nearby street never fails to remind me of him. Memories are attached to those things, so it’s natural the mind connects them to someone who was once so much a part of my life.

Does that mean I’m sad? Not anymore. I’ve come to think of those triggered memories as hiccups. Like some of the other mothers whose stories are shared in my book, I’ve worked through the pain, and moved beyond it. Recognizing those triggers, and then taking action to make new routines can help.

Stepping forward: Be good to yourself

There’s no set schedule to moving beyond emotional pain. There are only steps, big or little, that move you forward. Whatever you do, don’t get down on yourself. Acknowledge your feelings so you can deal with them. Remember the utter shock you felt when your son or daughter first cut you off? Don’t think of triggered emotions as setbacks. They’re aftershocks—a normal occurrence that relieves pressure. Pat yourself on the back for accepting where you are right now, and for recognizing that in coping mindfully like Julia, you’re healing. Think: Forward. I’m adapting. I’m moving on.

Take Action

Like Julia and other mothers whose stories of estrangement from adult children are shared in Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, you too can heal. Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be a bad trigger day. You too can be Done With The Crying.

Rejected Parents

Religious Trauma Syndrome

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, SuicideLeave a comment
Religious Trauma Syndrome
by Marlene Winell
Religious Trauma Syndrome is the condition experienced by people who are struggling with leaving an authoritarian, dogmatic religion and coping with the damage of indoctrination. They may be going through the shattering of a personally meaningful faith and/or breaking away from a controlling community and lifestyle. RTS is a function of both the chronic abuses of harmful religion and the impact of severing one’s connection with one’s faith. It can be compared to a combination of PTSD and Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). This is a summary followed by a series of three articles which were published in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Today.
Religious Trauma Syndrome has a very recognizable set of symptoms, a definitive set of causes, and a debilitating cycle of abuse. There are ways to stop the abuse and recover.
Symptoms of Religious Trauma Syndrome:
• Cognitive: Confusion, poor critical thinking ability, negative beliefs about self-ability & self-worth, black & white thinking, perfectionism, difficulty with decision-making
• Emotional: Depression, anxiety, anger, grief, loneliness, difficulty with pleasure, loss of meaning
• Social: Loss of social network, family rupture, social awkwardness, sexual difficulty, behind schedule on developmental tasks
• Cultural: Unfamiliarity with secular world; “fish out of water” feelings, difficulty belonging, information gaps (e.g. evolution, modern art, music)
Causes of Religious Trauma Syndrome:
Authoritarianism coupled with toxic theology which is received and reinforced at church, school, and home results in:
• Suppression of normal child development – cognitive, social, emotional, moral stages are arrested
• Damage to normal thinking and feeling abilities -information is limited and controlled; dysfunctional beliefs taught; independent thinking condemned; feelings condemned
• External locus of control – knowledge is revealed, not discovered; hierarchy of authority enforced; self not a reliable or good source
• Physical and sexual abuse – patriarchal power; unhealthy sexual views; punishment used as for discipline
Cycle of Abuse
The doctrines of original sin and eternal damnation cause the most psychological distress by creating the ultimate double bind. You are guilty and responsible, and face eternal punishment. Yet you have no ability to do anything about it. (These are teachings of fundamentalist Christianity; however other authoritarian religions have equally toxic doctrines.)
You must conform to a mental test of “believing” in an external, unseen source for salvation, and maintain this state of belief until death. You cannot ever stop sinning altogether, so you must continue to confess and be forgiven, hoping that you have met the criteria despite complete lack of feedback about whether you will actually make it to heaven.
Salvation is not a free gift after all.
For the sincere believer, this results in an unending cycle of shame and relief.
Stopping the Cycle
You can stop the cycle of abuse, but leaving the faith is a “mixed blessing.” Letting go of the need to conform is a huge relief. There is a sense of freedom, excitement about information and new experiences, new-found self-respect, integrity, and the sense of an emerging identity.
There are huge challenges as well. The psychological damage does not go away overnight. In fact, because the phobia indoctrination in young childhood is so powerful, the fear of hell can last a lifetime despite rational analysis. Likewise the damage to self-esteem and basic self-trust can be crippling. This is why there are so many thousands of walking wounded – people who have left fundamentalist religion and are living with Religious Trauma Syndrome.
Mistaken Identity
Religious Trauma Syndrome mimics the symptoms of many other disorders –
post-traumatic stress disorder
clinical depression
anxiety disorders
bipolar disorder
obsessive compulsive disorder
borderline personality disorder
eating disorders
social disorders
marital and sexual dysfunctions
suicide
drug and alcohol abuse
extreme antisocial behavior, including homicide
There are many extreme cases, including child abuse of all kinds, suicide, rape, and murder. Not as extreme but also tragic are all the people who are struggling to make sense of life after losing their whole basis of reality. None of the previously named diagnoses quite tells the story, and many who try to get help from the mental health profession cannot find a therapist who understands.
What’s the problem?
We have in our society an assumption that religion is for the most part benign or good for you. Therapists, like others, expect that if you stop believing, you just quit going to church, putting it in the same category as not believing in Santa Claus. Some people also consider religious beliefs childish, so you just grow out of them, simple as that. Therapists often don’t understand fundamentalism, and they even recommend spiritual practices as part of therapy. In general, people who have not survived an authoritarian fundamentalist indoctrination do not realize what a complete mind-rape it really is.
In the United States, we also treasure our bill of rights, our freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, and freedom of religion. This makes it extremely difficult to address a debilitating disorder like RTS without threatening the majority of Americans. Raising questions about toxic beliefs and abusive practices in religion seems to be violating a taboo. No one wants to be pointing fingers for fear of tampering with our precious freedoms.
But this is the problem. Sanitizing religion makes it all the more insidious when it is toxic. For example, small children are biologically dependent on their adult caretakers; built into their survival mechanisms is a need to trust authority just to stay alive. Religious teachings take hold easily in their underdeveloped brains while the adults conveniently keep control. This continues generation after generation, as the religious meme complex reproduces itself, and masses of believers learn to value self-loathing and fear apocalypse.
There is hope
Awareness is growing about the dangers of religious indoctrination. There are more and more websites to support the growing number of people leaving harmful religion. Slowly, services are growing to help people with RTS heal and grow, including Journey Free. We are discovering the means by which people can understand what they have been through and take steps to become healthy, happy human beings.

Coping with Grief at Christmas

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Divorce, Family Concerns, Mental Health DisordersLeave a comment
How to cope with grief at Christmas

Image – Harley Therapy

We know that facing Christmas alone, or whilst grieving, can be a daunting prospect. This year it is going to be harder than ever. Whether you were bereaved in 2020 or many years before, ongoing Covid restrictions mean it is going to be difficult for many of us to be with the people we would most want to see. The virus is adding an extra layer of anxiety to the planning for so many people. It is going to be more important than ever to try and look after yourself and work out the best ways to cope.

Here are some practical ways to cope with the loss of a loved one over Christmas.

1. Consider different ways of celebrating
One of the things that can help can be to spend some time trying to work out, well in advance, which arrangements will best suit your needs and the needs of others who share your loss. Some bereaved people find that they do not wish to celebrate Christmas at all, whilst some find that simply maintaining their routine and celebrating as normal is the best tribute they can pay their loved one. It may feel important to make a special effort to remember the person who has died. This can be as simple as ‘speaking’ to the person, silently or out loud, or it may involve visiting their grave, or a place that was special to them. These can be things that we do alone, or with friends or family. You may have photos or particular memories which you treasure; sharing these with others may be something that brings you together.
2. Accept that others may have different ways of mourning
We know that people remember and mourn in different ways. Conflict within a family can sometimes arise when we have expectations of how others should grieve, so try to be sensitive to others’ needs, and to talk openly about what will be best for you.
3. Try to maintain a routine

The Christmas period may mean that your normal routine is disrupted, and this can make it easier to forget to look after yourself. Trying to keep to regular patterns of sleeping and eating are small things that can make a difference. Seeing friends or family, or volunteering for the day, can all help.

4. Go easy on the drink

It’s tempting to drink more on festive occasions, and it can feel like a drink might help numb any difficult feelings. But it’s important to remember that using alcohol to escape the pain of loss provides only very temporary relief. If you find you’re relying heavily on drinking alcohol, consider taking some drink free days. You can also find advice from Drink Aware on how to reduce your alcohol consumption.

5. Remember the happy times

Even many years after someone dies Christmas can be a difficult, intensely emotional time when we need to look after ourselves and those around us. But as time passes, special occasions like Christmas can help us remember happy memories of good times shared in the past.

6. Skip the Christmas films

It can be tough when you are bombarded by images of people enjoying happy family times. If it’s getting too much, consider taking a break from the Christmas TV and social media and maybe take a walk or get some fresh air in any way you can.

7. Talk to someone

If you’re struggling to deal with the grieving process over Christmas, you can message a trained grief counsellor on this website or the link below.

Cruse.Org

Death of an Estranged Parent

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, SuicideLeave a comment

by Kris Peterson.

There are many articles on parents with estranged adult children.  This article however will touch on adult children with estranged parents.

When people hear about the loss or the impending loss of an estranged parent some people feel shocked and unprepared to experience the range of emotions of grief.  They may struggle with a wide variety of things that they will have to be consider in a very short period of time.  Funeral attendance, flights across the country, other people’s feelings and their own feelings.  The loss may leave them mourning not only their estranged parents death but also the loss of an imaginary, what-may-have-been relationship.

Sometimes people find out about the death of their parent in an insensitive way.  Maybe they found out after the fact in obituaries or through the “grape-vine” of other estranged family members.  Communication in estranged family relationships are sometimes non-existent. It is not unusual for major events – even a death – to not be communicated. They may assume that they were left out with evil intent when it’s possible that the family of the estranged parent has perceived the relationship to be so strained that the person wouldn’t want it communicated.

Reasons people may grieve an estranged parent:

  1. Grieving that the relationship now has no chance of mending. Often at some level there is an unspoken hope that the relationship might be restored. Death closes the door on reconciliation. Words are left unsaid and the feelings still remain, sometimes without closure.
  2. Grieving the loss of a part of heritage. Even though the relationship with the parent wasn’t strong, the death involves someone who is a part of their lineage and the chance to learn about the other half of their family may be gone.
  3. Grieve what might have been.  People reflect on a time when they loved the parent, or wanted to love them. Although there may not be a longing for things to change, there is a feeling of melancholy that things were not different. The death of the parent brings to mind ideas of how the relationship should have been.  After the loss, the dream for a better relationship remains only a dream, and in many cases people grieve the death of the dream rather than the loss of the person.

Some people experience apathy to the loss of the non-existent parent in their lives.  It is entirely possible that they dealt with the grief of loss when they were first estranged.   The length of time and purpose of the estrangement greatly affects each persons response.

Ways to help someone with the loss of an estranged parent:

  • Regardless of whatever expectations they think society has placed on them for handling the loss of an estranged parent, they have experienced a loss and they are allowed to grieve.  Giving them space to grieve without judgment is important.
  • People may express deep sadness and remorse for the wasted years.  Missed phone calls or chances to re-connect and opportunities lost.  Remind them to not waste the rest of their life looking back at what could have been.
  • Talking about the past can be cathartic and open doorways to recovery.  Though sometimes people don’t realize that reciting a general litany of of unhappiness is one of the main reasons they stay stuck.  The goal is to become emotionally complete with what happened so that they don’t need to be a current victim of what happened in the past. It’s bad enough that they were mistreated and/or harmed, but remaining stuck in the destructive mental repetition can prevent them from moving forward.
  • Remind them that forgiveness isn’t saying that the estranged child ‘accepts’ or ‘approves’ what happened. Forgiveness is the acknowledgment that what happened, happened, and that they are now ready to let go of the baggage.  Forgiveness isn’t always about the other person, it’s about moving forward.

What NOT to say to someone grieving the death of an estranged parent:

  • “They were an awful person, why do you even care?” Invalidates the feelings of the grieving person.  They are trying to figure out their own emotions in the situation.  They may be feeling confused or upset that they care about this person too. They may be upset that they care for this person at all, adding even more to their confusion and grief.  Invalidating their feelings may make them feel like they aren’t allowed to express them at all.
  • When will you feel better?” Expectation for a timeline for grieving puts unnecessary pressure on the griever to just get over it and again reinforces that they aren’t allowed to express their emotions.
  • “You didn’t even know him/her” amplifies what the griever is probably already thinking.  Knowing this doesn’t take away from the pain of being unable to connect to their estranged parent, in cases it might even be the primary cause of their grief.

Resources:

I thought we‘d never speak again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation,By Laura Davis.  She weaves powerful accounts of parents reconciling with children, embittered siblings reconnecting, angry friends reunited, when war veterans and crime victims meet with their enemies, to her own experiences reconciling with her mother after a long, painful estrangement.

Healing Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off From a Family, By Mark Sichel.  Family therapist Mark Sichel addresses the pain and shame connected with family rifts and offers a way through the crisis and on toward healing and fulfillment.

Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them, By Barbara LeBey.  Working closely with two family therapists, Barbara LeBey offers a set of tested guidelines to help you approach alienated or angry family members, deal with your own issues, and mend your broken family relationships–even if you think it may already be too late.

Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief, By Jennifer Elison and Chris Mcgonigle.  Sometimes we are relieved that our loved one is no longer suffering; at the other end of the spectrum, a death might finally free us of an abusive or unhappy relationship.  In this groundbreaking book, the authors share their own and others’ stories, compassionate clinical analysis, and pragmatic counsel with other disenfranchised survivors.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, By Susan Forward.  In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents — and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, By Lindsay C. Gibson.  clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood.

The Bereavement Academy

An Unhappy Father’s Day

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual AbuseLeave a comment

What to do when Father’s Day isnt happy – Alison James

Do Father’s Day posts on social media make you want to crawl under the covers until the day is over?

Do Father’s Day commercials make you feel sad or angry?

Do you wish Father’s Day would be over already, so you would stop being reminded about your dad?

Even though Father’s Day is a happy occasion for many people, it can bring up painful or negative feelings for others. 

Whether the day reminds you of a loving father who died, a less than loving father who wasn’t there the way you needed him to be, or if you’re a father who can’t be with your child for any reason, those are all losses that could make Father’s Day difficult. If the day brings up negative feelings then you might be experiencing unresolved grief.

Unresolved grief can have a long term negative impact on your life. Grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative. Grief not only affects current relationships, but it affects future relationships, your work, health, and even hobbies. The intensity of your feelings may lessen over time, but grief doesn’t heal on its own.

Here are some signs you might have unresolved grief around your dad:

  • Do you refuse to talk about him? 
  • Do you feel angry or sad when you think about him?
  • Do you avoid places that remind you of him?
  • Do you put your dad on a pedestal or only see his negative qualities?
  • Do you avoid watching movies, eating foods, or going to places that remind you of him?
  • Do you avoid contact with him?

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you weren’t carrying around the pain from your relationship with your dad?

If you’re like most people, you were never taught how to heal your broken heart. Although there are plenty of articles, and well-intentioned people, who will share a list of ways to change your feelings short term, they never show you how to truly recover. Frankly, if you want to recover from grief then you must have the courage to do the work.

The first step is admitting that you want help.

  • Talk to someone you trust. Tell the truth about yourself. Ask them not to judge, criticize, or analyze (then don’t judge, criticize, or analyze yourself either).
  • Get started with The Grief Recovery Method by either getting a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook, reading more of our blogs, looking into our 2 ½ Day Personal Workshops, Grief Support Groups, or 1-to-1 sessions.
  • If you’re already familiar with The Grief Recovery Method then remember that it’s an ongoing process. Consider diving back in.

Imagine the freedom of living without constant emotional pain. You don’t have to live that way.

Grief Recovery Method