Category: Infliction of Abuse

When Someone Dies – A Complicated Relationship

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual AbuseLeave a comment

by Litsa Williams

When someone dies who you had a complicated relationship with, you may experience confusing and mixed emotions. There are many different ways that this scenario can play out, but the fact is that everyone dies, even people you didn’t like or had conflict with. And when you have mixed feelings about someone in life, you will continue to have mixed feelings about them in death.

People talk all the time about losing someone they deeply loved and cared for.  As for grieving someone you had negative feelings towards, people don’t talk as much about that. The reasons why you may have had a difficult relationship are endless. Maybe they were mean or hurtful; perhaps they were violent or abusive; they could have been toxic or emotionally manipulative; maybe they betrayed you or someone you love.

 We get it, it feels weird to sort through feelings about the death of someone you didn’t always like and it can feel even weirder to talk about it.  So, today we’re going to talk about some of the circumstances that are unique to grieving someone you didn’t like.  Then we’re going to answer some of the questions that come up in those situations and talk about how to cope.  

You’re not sure if what you’re feeling is grief.

If we understand grief as a natural reaction to loss, you may be thinking that it isn’t a “loss” that this person isn’t in your world anymore. You might think if you didn’t like or want them in your life, it can’t be grief.  This can leave you confused about how to categorize the feelings and isolated in discussing the emotions. Check out our definition of grief here for more.

You feel happy or relieved

Or, you’re at least not sad about it.  In circumstances when your physical or emotional safety (or that of someone you love) was at risk because of the person who died, you may be feeling an immense sense of relief that your safety is no longer in jeopardy.  At the same time, you may also be feeling some guilt that you’re relieved or happy or not sad. Like we said, it’s complicated. Luckily we have a whole post on feeling relief in grief

Your feelings of relief are in conflict with other people’s feelings of sadness

Sometimes you have a bad or complicated relationship with someone, but other people in your life don’t. After that person dies, you may be left to sort through complicated negative feelings, while others work through more traditional grief feelings. This disconnect can leave you feeling isolated and alone, and also ill-equipped to support your grieving family and friends.

You thought your relationship with them might eventually get better.

This thought might have been conscious or it might have been subconscious.  Either way, when someone dies who you didn’t like it isn’t uncommon to suddenly feel the weight of the reality that you know will never get an apology, have a chance to apologize, or have a chance for the relationship to change and improve.  Even if those were things you never consciously wanted, knowing they are no longer even an option can be difficult.

Your grief isn’t validated by others.

If people in your life knew you didn’t get along with this person, that you had a strained relationship, or had a falling out, people may minimize the validity of your feelings.  That is a little thing known as disenfranchised grief. You may still be having intense grief feelings, despite that bitter divorce, painful custody battle, or even history of abuse.  People around you might be saying, what do you have to be upset about?!? You hated him and hadn’t talked to him for years!

Death doesn’t bring closure. 

You may have imagined that all those complicated feelings would somehow get resolved once the person died or was completely out of your life.  But there is a good chance the complicated emotions are still there, even though the person isn’t.  You wouldn’t be the first or the last.  The reality is the pain of a difficult relationship doesn’t die just because a person has died.

Remind yourself you have the right to grieve.

When someone is removed physically from our lives there is an impact, no matter how we felt about them.  It changes the relationship, and it can impact our understanding of the past and the future.  Even if the hole left in your life is a hole you believed you always wanted, that doesn’t change its emotional impact. You can deeply miss someone you had a really complicated relationship with, so give yourself permission.  The human heart is funny that way.

Remember that it is okay to feel relief.

If you feel guilty that you’re relieved, happy, or not sad about a death, let’s think through the feelings.  What you are relieved or happy about is that you are now safe and no longer fearful.  This is different than being glad someone has died.  If there were another possible way for you to feel safe, you would likely have wished that to be the outcome.  For more on this, check out our post about relief.

For better or worse, relationships continue after someone dies.

If you had a good relationship with someone, that can often continue through good memories and carrying on their legacy.  If you had a complicated relationship it often remains, well, complicated!  You may have imagined a person’s death would make you feel better or resolve some of the feelings you were having.  In some cases that’s true, but in some cases it isn’t.  You may find you still need to carry on efforts to explore your own feelings about the person or find ways to forgive (keeping in mind that foregiveness is not about saying someone’s behavior was okay!).  You can read more about forgiveness here.

Communicate about the entire relationship, the good and the bad. 

The old saying “don’t speak ill of the dead” can, unfortunately, make people feel like they have to keep their mouths shut about the problems in a relationship after the person has died.  We’re here to say, it’s okay to keep processing and talking about these issues if you need to, you may just want to choose your audience wisely.  Depending on your situation, friends or family may not be the best people to support these types of conversations.  If that is the case, a grief counselor or support group might be helpful.  What isn’t helpful is avoiding, stuffing, or ignoring the complicated emotions and memories.

Realize you may be grieving the relationship you wished you had. 

We all have ideas about what a mom or dad or friend or spouse or child is “supposed” to be.  Unfortunately, what we want a relationship to be is not always what it is.  Who we want a person to be is not always who they are.  If you are struggling to understand your own complicated emotions about the death, consider that you may be feeling grief around not having had the [mom/dad/husband/wife/friend/child] you wanted or needed.

It is still possible to finish ‘business’.

When grieving someone you didn’t like, or with whom you had a complicated relationship, there can be a feeling that any “unfinished business” will now have to be left unfinished.  It may not get finished in the way you imagined when that person was alive (if you were planning for a direct conversation, obviously that just isn’t going to happen).  You can still find ways to say the things you wanted to say.  That could be in the form of a journal, letter to the person who died, artistic expression, or with a therapist.

Consider all the ways the relationship has impacted you.

Though many of these may be negative and painful, you may also see ways you grew from the strains in the relationship.  It may be in your own commitment to not being like that person or it may be in your growth and avoidance of other negative or toxic relationships. It may even be in your ability to find forgiveness or empathy in an impossible situation.  Whatever it is, take some time to appreciate yourself and your own growth.  This is not being grateful to the person or for the hurt or problems they caused, but taking the time to give yourself credit for the growth that can come from adversity.

Whats Your Grief

Surviving Father’s Day

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual AbuseLeave a comment

…. When ‘Dear Old Dad’ is not so ‘dear’.

by Timothy Rice MD and Kristian Beesley Ph D

When you have a difficult, or worse, relationship with your dad, Father’s Day can be fraught with anxiety and pain. Unpleasant memories, tension, and varying levels of estrangement take center stage, meanwhile, your friends are celebrating their dads with heartfelt cards and gifts.

Father’s Day, like Mother’s Day, is widely promoted and hard to ignore.

A TV ad asks, “Where will you celebrate Father’s Day?” It showcases a beaming adult son enjoying a meal with his cardigan-graced Dad at the best restaurant in town. People think, “great idea.” However, you instantly recall the time your father yelled at you at a restaurant when you were 12. You remember it well. Your father doesn’t.

An online ad pops up, featuring a woman your age, smiling up at her graying dad and presenting him with a gift. Meanwhile, your own father barely communicates with you and on the rare phone call, he sounds like he’s been drinking, can’t remember the name of your dog, and only talks about how much he and his third wife are enjoying their beach condo. You aren’t planning on sending him a gift because he doesn’t call you on your birthday.

Father’s Day can be rife with pain, despite the media demand for unconditional celebration. But there is hope. If you would like a healthier experience this Father’s Day:

Step 1: Accept your father’s negatives

If you have mixed memories of your father, you may feel pressure (both internally and externally) to brush aside the pain and focus on the positive. But you don’t need to abandon past hurts. Past hurts actually feel more “authentic” to you than those vague, “happy” memories you’re trying hard to resuscitate. Instead of hiding the pain, allow yourself some space to simply not enjoy.

Step 2: Gain perspective on your father’s own experience

After validating the negatives, think about whether your father did his best with what he had available, and place the downsides into the context of his own upbringing and life. Typically, we view our fathers as authorities. Yet, every father is really just another person like the rest of us. The late psychoanalyst and social worker Selma Fraiberg promoted the concept of intergenerational transmission of trauma, in which the hurts of parents continue on into their children. While you can feel hurt for the way these ghosts can be passed down, take into context that the struggle you may have had with your father is the same struggle he may have had with his own parents.

Step 3: Acknowledge your father’s positives

While you should acknowledge and accept your father’s negatives, an important step to a healthier Father’s Day is to also find the positives, no matter how small. Did you learn an important lesson from your father? Can you recall any warm feelings you shared with your dad? Did he have a particular talent you admire? One important developmental task of adulthood is to live with appreciation and disappointment side by side; bring light to your bag of mixed emotions. Give yourself some credit and permit yourself to feel both good and bad at the same time.

Step 4: Do something, maybe even give your dad a call

Father’s Day is well set up for new beginnings. Take the opportunity to share something loving with your father, without internally feeling the need to do injustice to your own complex feelings.

If your father lives nearby, perhaps send him an email to invite him for coffee. If you’re states away, set up a time to talk with him via phone or Facetime. Or, if it feels comfortable, pick up the phone and just call on Father’s Day. If you do connect, say hello, and share whatever you are feeling.

Reflect on the negatives, recognize that you are entitled to your feelings, and allow yourself the space to feel a range of feelings. You need not experience only the positive. Allow yourself to connect, say hello, and just accept whatever you are feeling.

Your father may not respond at all. He may not return your email or answer your call. This may simply be a matter of bad timing but he may be actively stating he does not want to speak. Fathers have their own uncomfortable feelings that arise poignantly on Father’s Day.

What feels right for you

Some people choose to acknowledge their feelings with a mailed letter, a card, or an email. Some may reflect privately. While the holiday is called Father’s Day, it is also a day for the child. Do what feels right for you.

When it helps, share any past hurts with your friends and family in the service of allowing yourself to be open to positivity. If you spend time with your father on this special day, you may actually enjoy it.

For adult children, this is also a time to reflect on what fathering means to us, how we hope to take in these memories, and pass down our memories with our own understanding to those we parent or mentor.

While you may not be truly “celebrating” your father, coming to terms with your relationship is an opportunity.

Psychology Today

Shadow Work

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

An excellent article by Coventum

Shadow work is not just a practice of psychology. And definitely not about fixing what’s broken. It’s about discovering what’s been buried—your emotions, wounds, truths, and power.

Rooted in Jungian psychology and practiced for centuries through shamanic, spiritual, and mystical traditions, shadow work is the practice of meeting your unconscious self with honesty and compassion. It’s the journey of bringing light to what has long been kept in the dark.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung

What Is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is the practice of uncovering and integrating the unconscious parts of yourself—your fears, desires, shame, and hidden strengths. These “shadow parts” are often formed in childhood and buried by the ego to protect your identity. However, they don’t disappear. They project themselves onto others, influence your reactions, and can create patterns that keep you stuck.

To do shadow work is to observe your triggers, trace them to their roots, and reclaim what you’ve disowned. This practice is both psychological and spiritual—a return to wholeness.

Yes, you can do shadow work by yourself, and no, it’s not just for therapists or spiritual gurus. It’s for anyone ready to know themselves, fully.

Next, we’ll explore beginner-friendly methods for accepting your shadow side.

1. Observe Your Triggers

Anything that causes an intense emotional reaction—anger, shame, jealousy, discomfort—could be a window into your shadow. Pay close attention to the situations, people, or themes that spark a disproportionate emotional response.

“If you hate a person, you hate something in them that is part of yourself.” — Hermann Hesse

For example, if the sex scenes in the movies and TV shows you watch embarrass or anger you, this may indicate repressed sexuality, or if the scenes of violence and war make you happy inside, this can be interpreted as suppressed anger/hatred.

“Usually we punish the things that remind us of the parts of ourselves that we disagree with and that we are most uncomfortable with, and we often see these parts of ourselves that we deny.” -Robert A Johnson

Use these moments as data points. Ask yourself: What exactly triggered me? What emotion came up? What memory does this remind me of?

2. Take Note of Your Inner Conversations

Throughout your life, you have exhibited some behaviors, said words that you cannot understand, and then wondered why you acted or spoke this way. An archetype/sub-personality/fragment within you has taken all control.

With these parts; We can communicate through internal dialogue and/or active imagination, or simply by writing on paper or computer. In this way, we integrate these parts of us into our conscious mind.

Writing is one of the simplest shadow works exercises. You don’t need to be a writer—just be honest. Here are some powerful shadow work journal prompts to start with:

  • What emotions am I most uncomfortable feeling, and why?
  • What qualities in others do I secretly admire or resent?
  • When do I feel fake or performative?
  • What am I afraid people might find out about me?
  • Who triggers me the most—and what do they reflect back to me?

Even five minutes a day can spark surprising clarity.

3. Practice Inner Dialogue

Another beginner-friendly approach is to have a silent (or written) dialogue with a part of you that feels hidden or disruptive. This is a key practice in Jungian shadow work and can be done through meditation or imagination.

Sit in a quiet space. Close your eyes. Ask: Who wants to speak? What do you need me to hear? Then listen—without judgment.

Sometimes the part that speaks is younger, angry, fearful, or wild. All parts have something to teach.

Remember, filling our conscious mind with perfect/ideal thoughts is characteristic of most Western philosophies/theologies, and these philosophies generally do not face the shadows and dark side of the world. A person cannot become enlightened simply by imagining the light, but rather by making the darkness conscious.

4. Accept, Don’t Fix

A crucial shift: shadow work is not about fixing your shadow self—it’s about reintegrating it. The goal is not perfection or constant positivity. The goal is wholeness, honesty, and reclaiming power.

5. Creativity as Expression

Art, dance, poetry, music, and movement are excellent ways to engage with your unconscious mind. Don’t censor yourself. Let your emotions guide your creations.

Creative practices bring your shadow into form and make it easier to observe and integrate. This is also where our Pentacle Necklace comes in—a symbol of harmony between the five elements, including your inner chaos.

6. Use the World as a Mirror

What annoys you about others? What behaviours do you judge harshly? These projections are often mirrors of your disowned qualities.

Not all triggers are projections—but many are. Learning to discern which shadows are yours, which are others’, and which are shared is part of the work.

Try asking:

  • Is this reaction about me or them?
  • What part of me feels threatened?
  • What would I never allow myself to be—and why?

This is powerful reflection work. And with time, it leads to radical self-awareness.

It is also a possibility that two people may reflect similar qualities. Or, qualities that complement each other may be mirrored mutually. For example, one person tends to be overly self-sacrificing and another tends to control others. From the collision of these two, one may be the controlled and the other the controlling, where opposite but complementary qualities may be mutually projected onto each other. Examples can be multiplied. A person may be projecting jealousy, anger, greed, and all the qualities we can think of to the other side and the world.

7. Shadow Work Therapy (Optional But Powerful)

You don’t have to do shadow work alone. In fact, many people benefit from working with Jungian therapists or trauma-informed coaches.

Professional guidance can help you move through blockages faster and more safely—especially if you’re dealing with trauma, grief, or anxiety.

8. Work With Archetypes & Mythic Energy

Symbols like Lilith, Nyx, and the Crow aren’t just myth—they’re psychological mirrors. Working with dark feminine archetypes can be deeply supportive in shadow work.

References:

For more information visit Coventum

The Difficulty of Grieving A Complicated Relationship

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

By Sam Carr

There is a scene in the pilot episode of HBO’s American black comedy-drama series Succession where Kendall Roy locks himself in the bathroom, no longer able to hold in his rage and resentment towards his father. Billionaire media mogul, Logan Roy, is portrayed as a narcissistic, emotionally abusive, power-hungry father who has inflicted a lifetime of neglect and abuse on his children.

After his mini-breakdown, Kendall composes himself, returns to the dining room, and puts on a brave face with the rest of the family to celebrate his father’s birthday. There is an uncomfortable sense that family life is an artificial performance. Not too far from the surface are the pain, resentment and anger of decades of dysfunctional family life.

Trauma specialist, Caroline Spring, wrote that the “happy family” is a myth for many, a performed cultural ideal that masks a myriad of unpalatable truths. This can also be true in death, as people negotiate the loss of family members they blatantly disliked during life, or who caused them nothing but suffering and pain.

It’s difficult to say how many funerals are characterised by singing the praises of people many of those present either openly or secretly resented or cannot forgive.

It’s not necessarily that the deceased wasn’t loved or that their loss doesn’t still sting. Grieving dysfunctional, toxic or hurtful relationships creates a different level of complexity.

In Succession, when the tyrannical Logan Roy finally dies his children’s sadness is palpable. However, family therapists have argued that such grief can be complicated by the fact that the bereaved are often mourning a relationship they wish they’d had with the deceased or are angry and remorseful about the fact that things were never repaired.

There is also the possibility for internal conflict when cultural or familial pressure to celebrate the deceased collides with an internal need to acknowledge the fact that they were mean, abusive, and neglectful.

Artificial forgiveness

Bereavement psychologists suggest that forgiving the deceased is important to preserving mental health. After all, as Nelson Mandela suggested, resentment “is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

In simple terms, psychologist Robert Enright defined forgiveness as rooting out negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours towards someone, and finding a way to develop positive thoughts, feelings and behaviours about them too. He suggested such forgiveness is highly relevant in cases where the offending party is dead.

In his book, Dying Matters, palliative care physician, Ira Byock, argued that suffering can be eased through deathbed rituals designed to foster forgiveness. As part of a “good death”, he encourages people to engage in five steps, where they say:

Forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. And Goodbye.

The idea being that such forgiveness rituals help “wipe the slate clean”.

However, it has been argued that this sort of forgiveness is artificial.

Grief psychologist, Lorraine Hedtke, believes such practices pressure people into what she calls an “artificial ending”. Sometimes people end up silencing suffering or minimising and denying pain in service to a cultural pressure to accelerate forgiveness. She also questions whether forgiveness is really something we can conjure up in “once and forever” rituals.

Death is not the end

Of course, death is not the end of our psychological relationship with the deceased. Hedtke offers the example of an abusive, angry, tyrannical father, much like Succession’s Logan Roy, whose six sons had few kind words to say about him on his death.

Neither the man’s death, nor his funeral, she wrote, were the time or place any of his children felt able to make false declarations of forgiveness. At the funeral they had few kind words or fond memories and could not recall appreciative connections with their father. Only in the years that followed did they begin to construct a more forgiving version of him.

Eventually the brothers were able to retain their original reality – that he was indeed a mean and vindictive father – and also begin to appreciate and understand him in a different light too. This was sparked by a random conversation about a long-forgotten fishing trip, prompting them to remember a positive quality that had previously gone unnoticed.

Even after death, Hedtke argues, relationships change and evolve. In some cases, perhaps this sort of change is only possible after someone’s death.

Studies have also suggested that people’s capacity to forgive the dead may be connected to psychological factors like attachment. Psychologists Elizabeth Gassin and Gregory Lengel found that people with high attachment avoidance were less likely to reach forgiveness for someone they were close to who had died. This makes sense because attachment avoidance is a tendency to repress or shut away our feelings for the other. It is difficult to forgive someone if we are unable to acknowledge or face our feelings about them.

So with all this in mind, it might be hard for the Roy children to forgive Logan straight away. Theirs was a fraught and complicated relationship. Their journey to forgiveness and through grief might take time but that is normal.

The Conversation

Mannerisms of A Person who Survived Narcissistic Abuse

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Ashley Cropper

Image – Your Life Lifter

Finally getting out of a relationship with a narcissist doesn’t mean you just walk away and everything resets — if only.

The way you moved, spoke, and reacted around them wasn’t random; it was survival. And even when they’re no longer in your life, some of those habits stick around for a long time to come. These mannerisms aren’t flaws, just reminders of what you had to do to get through it. If any of these feel familiar, know that you’re not alone. Keep working through your experience and finding ways to process them so that you can truly move forward without the baggage of their abuse.

1. They say sorry way too much.

Apologising becomes second nature after constantly being made to feel like everything was their fault. Even when they haven’t done anything wrong, “sorry” just slips out, like a reflex. It’s easier to apologise first than to risk upsetting someone, even if there’s no reason to think they’re actually mad. It can be for little things, like taking up space in a room or accidentally bumping into someone. The need to smooth things over before there’s even a problem is just something they learned along the way. Over time, they start realising they don’t need to apologise for simply existing.

2. They hesitate before saying what they really think.

When every opinion was once picked apart or twisted against them, speaking up starts to feel risky. They might pause before answering simple questions, trying to figure out the “right” thing to say. Even harmless opinions like what they want for dinner can make them feel like they’re putting themselves in the line of fire. It’s not that they don’t have thoughts or preferences. It’s just that, for a long time, sharing them came with consequences. Eventually, they start realising that safe people won’t punish them for having a voice.

3. They over-explain everything.

When someone’s spent years being gaslit, they get used to having to “prove” their reality. They might give way more detail than necessary when telling a story, just to make sure they won’t be misunderstood. Even when no one is doubting them, they feel the need to justify every little thing. It’s the same with making decisions, explaining why they chose something before anyone even questions them. They’re just used to having to defend themselves, even when there’s no fight to be had. Eventually, they learn that they don’t owe anyone a 10-minute breakdown of why they picked one option over another.

4. They struggle to make decisions on their own.

When every choice was once criticised, even small decisions can feel overwhelming. They might freeze up over what movie to watch or what restaurant to pick, worrying they’ll “get it wrong.” The fear of making a mistake, even when it doesn’t matter, sticks around for a while. It’s not because they don’t care or are trying to be difficult. It’s just that they got used to someone making them second-guess every move. Learning to trust their own choices again takes time, but it happens.

5. They downplay their own feelings.

After years of being told they were “too sensitive” or “overreacting,” they start believing it. They might brush off things that actually hurt, convincing themselves it wasn’t that bad. Even when something really bothers them, their first instinct is to push it aside. They might say things like, “I don’t want to be dramatic, but…” or “It’s not a big deal.” It’s just what happens when someone’s been made to feel like their emotions are an inconvenience. Eventually, they start unlearning that and realising their feelings are valid.

6. They get tense when someone’s mood suddenly changes.

People who’ve been around narcissists know how quickly things can flip. One second everything’s fine, the next, there’s tension in the air, and they have no idea why. So they get really good at noticing tiny shifts in body language, tone, or energy. It’s like an automatic response — they pick up on the smallest signs of frustration and start preparing for what’s coming. Even when no one’s actually upset, their brain still sends out a warning. Over time, they realise that not every sigh or pause means danger, but that instinct doesn’t fade overnight.

7. They can’t accept compliments to save their lives.

When someone’s been picked apart for long enough, nice words can feel… weird. Compliments don’t quite register, or they feel the need to downplay them. “Oh, this outfit? I just threw it on,” or “I got lucky, that’s all.” It’s easier to brush off praise than accept it. It’s not that they don’t appreciate it; they just don’t know how to believe it. Being treated with kindness feels foreign after being criticised for so long. Eventually, they start letting the good words sink in instead of automatically deflecting them.

8. They’re super tuned in to other people’s emotions.

Living with a narcissist means always being on high alert for their mood swings. Over time, survivors develop a hypersensitivity to other people’s emotions. They can walk into a room and immediately sense if something feels “off.” It’s not just empathy — it’s survival. They learned to read the energy of a situation to avoid conflict. But constantly scanning for signs of trouble is exhausting, and they eventually start realising they don’t have to do that with safe people.

9. They pause before answering simple questions.

Even casual conversations can feel like a test. When you’ve been with someone who twisted your words, you learn to tread carefully. Even answering “How was your day?” might come with a pause while they run through all the possible ways their response could be taken. They’re not hiding anything; they’re just used to walking on eggshells. Eventually, they get to a place where they don’t feel the need to filter themselves so much. But at first, even harmless questions can feel loaded.

10. They hate asking for help.

When someone’s been made to feel like a burden, asking for help feels impossible. They might convince themselves they should be able to handle everything alone. Even when they’re struggling, the idea of leaning on someone feels unnatural. It’s not that they don’t need support; they just don’t want to be an inconvenience. Over time, they start learning that healthy relationships involve give and take. But breaking the habit of doing everything solo takes time.

11. They get nervous when things are going too well.

For survivors, peace can feel unfamiliar. When they’re in a stable, loving relationship or things in life are actually going smoothly, a little voice in their head whispers, “This won’t last.” They’re used to good moments being followed by chaos. Even when they want to relax and enjoy things, part of them stays on guard. They seem like they don’t trust happiness because they were trained to expect the rug to be pulled out from under them. Eventually, they realise that real, healthy love doesn’t come with hidden conditions.

12. They sometimes don’t trust their own judgement.

When someone’s spent years being told they’re wrong, they start believing it. Even after leaving, they struggle to trust their instincts. “Am I overreacting?” “Am I the problem?” “What if I’m being unfair?” Making choices without second-guessing themselves feels foreign. But the more they rebuild their confidence, the more they start recognising that they were never the issue. Learning to trust themselves again is part of the healing process.

13. They feel guilty for setting boundaries.

For so long, saying “no” or putting themselves first meant backlash. Narcissists don’t respect boundaries, so survivors learned that standing up for themselves just made things worse. Even after leaving, setting limits can make them feel selfish or anxious. They might feel like they need to over-explain why they can’t do something or worry that people will be upset with them. But after a while, they start realising that boundaries aren’t mean, they’re necessary — and the right people will respect them.

14. They’re still figuring out what safe love looks like

After being conditioned to accept toxic love, healthy relationships can feel confusing. They might not trust kindness at first or feel uneasy when there’s no drama. It takes time to rewire their brain to see love as something safe, not something they have to earn. But little by little, they start recognising what real love feels like. And when they do, they realise they never have to settle for anything less again.

The Sense Hub

Those Who Lie to the Media

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

When is it okay to lie to the media? by Melissa F Daly

Image – Dreamstime

The answer is: Never. Really. Lying to the press is essentially an open invitation to become an even bigger target for both journalists and the public. One of the easiest ways to give a bad story a longer shelf-life is to lie to a journalist. Equally important, lying to the press ruins your own reputation as a communications professional and that of the organization or person you are representing.

Although there are times when lying, or misleading a reporter, may seem easier and you may think it will yield a positive result, the long-term effects can be detrimental. Here, we will address three topics that may lead you down the wrong path of being dishonest with the press and how to better handle these issues.

Answering every question from the media: Depending on the whether your company is public or private, and for an individual, if you are an elected official or private citizen, every question that is asked does not have to be answered. In some cases, there are legal or regulatory reasons to choose to or not to respond. But in every instance, the answer needs to be true and consistent over the long-term. If you cannot be honest, then decline to comment. The right PR guidance and media relationship can only serve to benefit you. 

You don’t want the facts to get out: The reality is that if a reporter has verifiable facts, they have the right to share what they have with the public. Facts are different than opinions or rumors and reporters work hard to adhere to the standard of presenting facts. At times, data can be manipulated to highlight a certain element of a story, but it would serve you to present your interpretation and explanation, or an updated set of facts if they are relevant. But the underlying information needs to be truthful.

A crisis or sensitive situation is gaining traction: When we get early signs that a bad story is about to come to light, it is critical that the organization’s leadership and communicators spring into action quickly. We cannot kill a story by denying the very existence of the issue or overtly downplaying what is happening. No matter the size of your organization, planning ahead with a crisis plan, including a working group, is crucial. Keep your eyes open to social media, industry events and regulatory issues that may impact your firm. Be prepared with the right messaging, supporting information and a plan of action as to how to communicate with your key stakeholders, not just the press. It is imperative to be honest and accurate with the information that you decide to divulge. Having a positive and trusting relationship with the media will go a long way in helping you and your firm.

Whether you are a spokesperson or a source working for a business, person, government entity, or non-profit, building honest and positive relationships with journalists will be the one of the best ways to ensure that your side of the story will be heard. Lying to the media will put you further under the microscope and undermine your own efforts to get a better story in the press.

How Honest Are People On Social Media

Cortney S. Warren PhD, ABPP

The world is consuming and interacting with social media at increasingly high rates. According to 2018 data from the Pew Institute [1], the majority of U.S. adults now use YouTube (73 percent) or Facebook (68 percent); of those who use Facebook, more than half check this platform several times a day.

As we engage on social media with greater frequency, we find ourselves sifting through photos of children, commentary about food, and explosive reactions to current political events. This increased media usage and exposure poses the question: How accurate is the information we are getting? More specifically, how honest are people on social media sites?

Honesty and Lying on Social Media

The truth is that people tend to lie on these platforms. How? First, people directly lie about their lives, which is often an effort to make themselves look more desirable or positive. In a study examining 80 online daters, Hancock, Toma, and Ellison [2] found that two thirds of participants lied about their weight by five pounds or more. In a large sample of over 2,000 people in England conducted by Custard.com [3], 43 percent of men admitted to making up facts about themselves and their lives that were not true online.

Even more commonly, people “lie” by presenting an image of themselves and their lives that is imprecise or less than comprehensive, leading the viewer to believe falsehoods. For example, in the Custard.com [4] study, only 18 percent of men and 19 percent of women reported that their Facebook page displayed “a completely accurate reflection” of who they are. Most commonly, participants said that they only shared “non-boring” aspects of their lives (32 percent) and were not as “active” as their social media accounts appeared (14 percent).

How and Why Does Dishonesty on Social Media Affect Us?

Although selective self-presentation and lying about ourselves on social media may not seem like a surprise (or even a big deal), it can affect us greatly. Why? Humans are naturally social creatures—we crave relationships and social interaction. According to some of the most prominent theories of human nature (e.g., Adlerian psychotherapy) and a large body of research, social interaction and feeling a sense of belonging to a community are two of the most important predictors of psychological and physical health [5]. Given our social nature, we want to feel connected to people and “in the know” about our friends, family, and even celebrities.

In addition to being social, we appear to have a natural propensity to trust that others are being honest with us. A large body of research suggests that we are programmed to trust others [6]. Although the reasons for our tendency to trust are complex, without interpersonal connectedness and a fundamental belief that those around will support you, protect you, and treat you respectfully, we feel unsafe. In essence, trust is developmentally essential to our feelings of safety and security.

When we engage on social media and our propensity to trust is met with overt lying and less than honest presentations, it can be problematic because we internally presume that what is presented is true. That people are naturally as good-looking as their photos appear on a daily basis. That people’s daily home life is as perfect as the pictures depict. That others have very few gut-wrenching struggles. That people around us are in a habitual state of going on vacation, eating out, and parenting blissfully. This is clearly not true. But although we are less aware of the realities of other peoples’ lives, we are well aware of the ways in which our own lives are NOT ideal.

Social Comparison in Social Media

To make matters more complicated, when we internally believe that what we see in social media is true and relevant to us, we are more likely to compare ourselves to it in an internal effort to evaluate ourselves against those around us (e.g., regarding our looks, wealth, significant other, family, etc.). As we do this against the idealized images and unreasonably positive life accounts that tend to permeate social media, we are likely to feel more poorly about ourselves and our lives.

Indeed, a growing body of research suggests that social media use can negatively affect your psychological health, particularly if you compare yourself to the positive images you see online. In a study of 339 college women (Puglia, 2017), the tendency to compare oneself to others was associated with poorer body esteem. Furthermore, in a sub-sample of 58 women in the Puglia study, those with higher levels of Facebook usage displayed lower body satisfaction than those with lower Facebook usage [7]. Similarly, in an experimental study by Vogel and colleagues [8], participants who tended to compare themselves to others more regularly had lower self-esteem, more negative emotions, and a poorer view of themselves after using Facebook than participants who did not tend to compare themselves to others.

The naked truth is this: Most of us now use some form of social media. Research suggests that what people post on social media is not an accurate representation of their lives or who they are. In fact, it may be blatant lies.

Consequently, when engaging with social media, it is critical to remind yourself that what you see is not an accurate picture of reality. Don’t compare yourself to the images of friends, colleagues, or celebrities. Remind yourself that it is just a snapshot of their life—and one that they want you to see.

Copyright Cortney S. Warren, Ph.D., ABPP

Psychology Today

The Power of Charismatic Leadership

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

By Social Psychology

Image – Marketing Certificate

From the mesmerizing allure of charismatic leaders to the dark depths of psychological manipulation, the cult of personality phenomenon has left an indelible mark on history and continues to shape our modern world. It’s a captivating dance of power, influence, and human psychology that has fascinated scholars and laypeople alike for generations. But what exactly drives this phenomenon, and why do some individuals seem to possess an almost supernatural ability to captivate the masses?

Let’s dive into the intriguing world of cult of personality psychology, where the lines between admiration and obsession blur, and the human mind becomes a playground for those who know how to pull the right strings.

Unravelling the Cult of Personality: A Psychological Tapestry

At its core, a cult of personality is a form of intense adoration and devotion directed towards a single individual, often a political or religious leader. It’s not just about liking someone; it’s about elevating them to an almost godlike status. Think of it as fandom on steroids, with a dash of blind faith thrown in for good measure.

This phenomenon isn’t new. Throughout history, charismatic figures have emerged, capturing the hearts and minds of the masses. From ancient pharaohs to modern-day politicians, the ability to cultivate a cult of personality has been a powerful tool for those seeking to consolidate power and influence.

But why does this matter in our modern, supposedly enlightened society? Well, my friend, the cult of personality is alive and kicking, and it’s not just limited to totalitarian regimes or fringe religious groups. In fact, you might be part of one without even realizing it. From tech moguls to social media influencers, the psychology behind cult of personality continues to shape our world in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

The Secret Sauce: Charisma and Social Influence

At the heart of every cult of personality lies a crucial ingredient: charisma. It’s that je ne sais quoi that makes some people irresistibly magnetic. But what exactly is charisma, and how does it work its magic on our brains?

Charisma is like a psychological superpower. It’s the ability to connect with others on an emotional level, to inspire and motivate, and to make people feel seen and understood. Charismatic leaders often possess a unique combination of confidence, eloquence, and empathy that draws others to them like moths to a flame.

But charisma alone isn’t enough. The real power comes from understanding and leveraging psychological influence. These leaders are masters of persuasion, using a variety of techniques to sway opinions and shape beliefs. They tap into our deepest desires and fears, offering simple solutions to complex problems and promising a better future if we just follow their lead.

It’s like a magic trick, really. While we’re busy being dazzled by their charm and grand visions, these leaders are subtly reshaping our perceptions and beliefs. And here’s the kicker: we often don’t even realize it’s happening.

The Perfect Storm: Cognitive Biases and Group Dynamics

Now, you might be thinking, “I’m too smart to fall for that kind of manipulation.” But here’s the thing: our brains are wired in ways that make us surprisingly susceptible to cult of personality dynamics.

Enter cognitive biases, those pesky mental shortcuts that can lead us astray. Take confirmation bias, for instance. We tend to seek out information that confirms our existing beliefs and ignore evidence that contradicts them. So once we’ve bought into a leader’s narrative, we’re more likely to dismiss any negative information about them.

Then there’s the halo effect, where we attribute positive qualities to someone based on one favorable trait. If a leader is charismatic and confident, we might automatically assume they’re also intelligent, honest, and competent, even without evidence to support those assumptions.

But it’s not just about individual psychology. The psychology of the masses plays a crucial role too. Humans are social creatures, and we’re hardwired to seek belonging and acceptance. When we become part of a group that follows a charismatic leader, we experience a sense of community and purpose that can be incredibly powerful.

This is where things can get a bit dicey. As we become more invested in the group, our individual identity can start to blur with the collective identity. We might find ourselves adopting beliefs and behaviors that we wouldn’t normally agree with, all in the name of fitting in and maintaining our place in the group.

The Dark Side: Narcissism and Manipulation

Now, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: not all charismatic leaders have our best interests at heart. In fact, many individuals who cultivate cults of personality share some rather unsavory psychological traits.

Narcissism is often at the top of the list. These leaders tend to have an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. They’re like emotional vampires, feeding off the adoration of their followers while giving little in return.

But it doesn’t stop there. Many cult of personality leaders are skilled manipulators, using a variety of tactics to maintain control over their followers. They might employ love bombing, showering new members with affection and attention to create a sense of belonging. Or they might use gaslighting, making followers question their own perceptions and memories.

These leaders often create a compelling ideological narrative, offering a simple worldview that explains complex problems and promises utopian solutions. It’s like a soothing balm for our anxieties about the world, providing a sense of certainty in uncertain times.

And here’s where it gets really insidious: these leaders are experts at exploiting their followers’ vulnerabilities. They tap into our deepest fears and insecurities, positioning themselves as the only solution to our problems. It’s a psychological trap that can be incredibly difficult to escape once you’re caught in it.

The Follower’s Journey: From Devotion to Disillusionment

So what happens to the people who fall under the spell of a cult of personality? The psychological impact can be profound and long-lasting.

One of the most striking effects is identity fusion. Followers begin to see their own identity as inseparable from the leader or the group. It’s like their sense of self gets absorbed into this larger entity. This can lead to a loss of individuality and critical thinking skills.

Cognitive dissonance is another common experience. When faced with information that contradicts their beliefs about the leader, followers often experience mental discomfort. To resolve this, they might engage in elaborate mental gymnastics to rationalize away any negative information.

Emotional dependence is also a hallmark of cult of personality dynamics. Followers come to rely on the leader for their sense of self-worth and direction in life. This can create an intense loyalty that persists even in the face of clear evidence of wrongdoing.

But what happens when the bubble bursts? When followers become disillusioned with their leader, the psychological consequences can be severe. It’s like waking up from a dream, only to find that reality is far harsher than you remembered. Many ex-cult members describe feelings of shame, confusion, and a profound sense of loss.

From Stalin to Social Media: Cults of Personality in Action

Religious figures have also been known to cultivate powerful cults of personality. From charismatic televangelists to leaders of new religious movements, these individuals often inspire intense devotion from their followers. The psychology of cults shares many similarities with political cults of personality, highlighting the universal nature of these dynamics.

And let’s not forget about the brave new world of social media influencers. These digital-age celebrities have the power to shape opinions and behaviors on a massive scale. While not all influencers cultivate cults of personality, the potential for such dynamics in the online space is significant and worthy of attention.

Fighting Back: Safeguarding Against Cult of Personality Dynamics

So, how do we protect ourselves and our society from the potentially harmful effects of cults of personality? It’s not easy, but there are steps we can take.

First and foremost, critical thinking is our best defense. We need to cultivate the habit of questioning our beliefs and assumptions, especially when it comes to charismatic leaders. This doesn’t mean becoming cynical or distrustful of everyone, but rather developing a healthy skepticism and willingness to consider alternative viewpoints.

Media literacy is also crucial in our information-saturated world. Learning to evaluate sources, spot manipulation tactics, and understand the broader context of news and information can help us resist the allure of simplistic narratives peddled by cult of personality leaders.

On a societal level, we need to foster healthy leadership models that prioritize accountability, transparency, and genuine service to others. This means moving away from the “great man” theory of leadership and towards more collaborative, inclusive approaches.

For those already caught in the grip of a cult of personality, psychological interventions can be helpful. Counselling and support groups can provide a safe space for individuals to process their experiences and rebuild their sense of self.

Finally, we need robust societal safeguards against authoritarian tendencies. This includes strong democratic institutions, a free press, and an educated populace capable of holding leaders accountable.

The Road Ahead: Understanding for a Better Future

As we wrap up our journey through the fascinating world of cult of personality psychology, it’s clear that this phenomenon is far more than just an interesting quirk of human behavior. It’s a powerful force that has shaped history and continues to influence our world in profound ways.

Understanding the psychological mechanisms behind cults of personality is crucial for navigating our complex social and political landscape. By recognizing the signs of unhealthy leader-follower dynamics, we can better protect ourselves and others from manipulation and exploitation.

But let’s not forget that charisma and strong leadership aren’t inherently bad things. When combined with genuine empathy, integrity, and a commitment to the greater good, these qualities can inspire positive change and bring out the best in people.

As we move forward, there’s still much to learn about the psychology of cults of personality. How do these dynamics play out in different cultural contexts? What role will emerging technologies play in shaping future cults of personality? These are just a few of the questions that researchers will grapple with in the years to come.

In the end, understanding cult of personality psychology isn’t just an academic exercise. It’s a vital skill for anyone who wants to navigate our complex world with clarity and purpose. By sharpening our critical thinking skills and fostering healthy leadership models, we can work towards a future where the power of charisma is harnessed for the benefit of all, rather than the glorification of the few.

So the next time you find yourself captivated by a charismatic leader or swept up in a movement, take a moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself: Is this genuine inspiration, or am I being swept along by the currents of a cult of personality? Your answer might just make all the difference.

Neuro Launch



Signs of a Toxic Daughter

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Barrie Davenport

Image – Imbix Bustle

Mothers tend to see their daughters through the lens of unconditional love instead of owning up to the clear signs of a bad mother-daughter relationship. 

Having a toxic daughter isn’t about assigning blame. 

Understanding a Toxic and Mean Daughter

For every positive trait a mother tries to instill in a daughter, there’s an ugly side. A mother who spoils a child could be furiously complaining, “My daughter treats me with contempt!”

Let’s start with the obvious: you are not a bad mom. You did the best you could with what information you had. But where is all that toxicity coming from? 

Mental Health Issues: One in five adults lives with a mental illness. 20% of children with ADHD are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all until adulthood. A chemical imbalance in the brain could be a sickness wrongly identified as toxic.

Independence: Mothers struggle to balance raising an independent child and “helicopter parenting” their kids. A daughter who feels she doesn’t have the space to grow on her own will resent her mother for getting in the way.

Friendship vs. Parenting: Mothers who try to be their daughter’s best friend are bad at establishing boundaries. This sends the daughter into the adult world feeling entitled to whatever she wants

Neglect: A child who doesn’t think their needs are being met or their cries for help aren’t heard can resent their parents.

13 Heartbreaking Toxic Daughter Signs

Approach this list with an open mind and a place of self-awareness. Some toxic habits could’ve been learned in your home, while others could be societal influences.

Then there’s the generational gap that always fuels a fiery relationship. These are not excuses. These are discussion points. 

1. She’s Immature

The 18th birthday only makes you an adult in the eyes of the law. Turning 21 doesn’t have a magic transition to a fully independent adult, either.

The more your teenager relied on you for guidance, finances, and life skills, the more she will depend on that into adulthood. 

If she’s coming to you with the expectation you will still do things for her, despite your efforts to teach, she’s in toxic trouble that will impact every corner of her life. 

2. She Likes Someone Else’s Mom Better

Whether it’s her new mother-in-law or the mother of her best friend, toxic daughters can make their own mothers feel like crap when they are constantly praising another mother.

While you are left with memories of staying awake with her seven nights straight when she had the flu, she wishes you were more stylish “like Jessica’s mom.”

When a daughter is directly or indirectly comparing you to someone else, you really need to figure out the line between your sensitivity and her toxicity. 

3. She’s Bossy

We know, we know – calling someone “bossy” isn’t politically correct anymore. It feels like such a betrayal when you raised a daughter to have a strong voice, and now she’s telling you what to do like you’re a hired helper.

As with any pushy, bossy, or dominating personality, you control how much they get away with it. 

When toxic levels of pushiness extend to disrespecting wait staff, parking attendants, or strangers in public, you’ll really see how she lacks respect and empathy for other people. 

4. She’s Obsessed with Herself

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said, “I’m so glad social media wasn’t around when I was a teenager!” When your daughter is too focused on herself, she won’t care who she hurts along the way to the next selfie.

She can even twist that pushiness and immaturity onto you as she tears down your makeup routine or fashion choices.

Self-obsession can be formed in childhood with constant praise from parents and the social circle that demanded a picture-perfect lifestyle. Extremely toxic egotistical daughters will even tear others down to put themselves higher on their own pedestal.

5. She Plays You Against Your Husband or Ex

A daughter who uses her manipulative techniques to get her way can play one parent off the other. She might outright call you on the carpet in front of your hubby or secretly tell her dad that you are being mean to her. 

Keep in mind your daughter has built up this practice over the years, and it’s not a trait that will go away on its own. 

Toxic goes into overload when she outright tells you she likes her dad/mum or step-dad/step-mum better than you.

She might even treat you poorly while praising your husband, making you wonder if you did something wrong.

6. She Doesn’t Respond to You

It’s been days, and your daughter hasn’t called or texted you back. You are torn between being hurt and wondering if this is the start of a Lifetime Movie, “My Daughter Is Missing.” 

She could up the ante by answering the phone when you call with a hefty sigh and demanding you don’t respect her busy schedule.

It’s normal for a daughter not to have the same time to spend with you as she transitions to the adult world. It’s not normal to act like she doesn’t see you in the grocery store.

7. She Got Married and Divorced You

As if your daughter leaving the nest wasn’t hard enough, now she’s married and busier than ever. It’s especially challenging for a mom who spent months planning the wedding with her daughter (if they havent already married without your knowledge). 

A daughter who dismisses a mother after getting married likely lacks empathy and is too self-absorbed to know that it hurts. 

A mother can also have a hard time letting go during this transition. Your new son-in-law could also be more controlling than you realized.

She could be separating herself from the reliance on you and your (awesome) advice. 

8. She Makes You Feel Stupid

The power of the eye rolls when parents ask kids about TikTok could fuel New York City for two days. Toxic daughters have no interest in helping parents learn about trending technology.

They seem to forget how it took them six months to tie their dang shoes while you patiently helped.

A toxic daughter will make no qualms about embarrassing a mother at every opportunity, mostly to make herself look better. If she keeps doing it even when you’ve been honest about how you feel, she’s toxic times two. 

9. She’s Always the Victim

Your daughter comes crying to you that she got fired for “only” being late to work five times in the past month. She might even blame you for not teaching her how to change a flat tire and “she almost died” when her car broke down late at night. 

A mother’s nature is to calm and coddle an upset daughter, but you could just be feeding the beast. She gets extra toxic points if you become the enemy when you disagree with her latest victim volume of social posts. 

10. She’s a Liar

As an adult, your daughter is far beyond claiming her eyes are red because of allergies and not the joint she smoked at a party.

Toxic daughters lie for many reasons – to get their way, to gain an advantage, to play to your sense of guilt, and to avoid talking about a topic. 

Toxic daughters who lie will only keep doing it if it benefits them. By confronting her, you do run the risk of her giving you the silent treatment. 

11. She’s Overly Emotional 

You’ve been given the silent treatment before, so you’re likely not too upset about that. Suppose your daughter’s emotions are always toxic, and every discussion ends with her yelling, crying, or slamming your cabinets.

In that case, she’s definitely lacking respect for you and dealing with some mental health issues. 

You should also examine how often her emotional outbursts get her to manipulate you. You can’t control her reaction, but you can control your response. 

12. She Has an Addictive Personality

Overachieving daughters likely have a knack for becoming obsessed or addicted to the chemical rush of something positive.

That tenacity was great when she was studying for the LSAT, but her addictive behaviours can also lead to eating disorders, substance abuse, and loss of reality. 

Especially if her addictive personality pairs with an overly emotional mindset, you could experience her wrath when you ask simple questions about sudden weight loss or slurred speech. 

13. She Never Apologizes

You’ve likely made some motherhood mistakes that you’ve beaten yourself up over for years.

Mothers are quick to apologize, even if it’s not their direct fault. Toxic daughters feed into this by assuming mom is always to blame and escape any fight without owning up to their role.

Even if your daughter will make up with you after a fight, ensure you get the apology before you part ways. If she refuses to apologize, her toxic trait could be as permanent as that tattoo you don’t know about.

Live Bold and Bloom

Abusive Adult Children and its Effect On Parents

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Sheri McGregor MA

Abusive adult children influence parents’ self-image

Image – Wikihow

Abusive adult children: a scary reflection

Have you ever looked in one of those magnifying mirrors that highlights every imperfection? Fine facial hair looks forest-thick, and skin pores appear as large as craters. But there’s a value in looking closely—even if, as a friend says, “Those magnifying mirrors are scary.”

Whose Mirror?

The perverse opinions of abusive adult children can make parents see themselves in a warped mirror. One that distorts them so much they no longer recognize themselves. This might have happened over time, or overnight.

“All I could see were my failures,” recalls Barbara. “My own daughter told me I ruined her life, and she had a million detailed memories of how I did everything wrong.”

Imagine waking up one day and seeing a monstrosity reflected. That’s how parents can feel when an adult child’s abuse includes blame, accusations, and twisted memories.

In the beginning, Barbara spoke up. “It was as if my daughter woke up one day and had brand new memories,” Barbara explains. “She recounted her life with a black cloud of doom over her head, and the cloud was me.”

Because the vast majority of parents want their children’s happiness above all else, they reevaluate themselves through the son or daughter’s perspective. They’re willing to look at how their choices may have been seen through their child’s eyes. All parents make mistakes. Also, it’s possible a child didn’t understand a parent’s choices, the motivation driving them, or what might have been happening behind the scenes. Those sorts of things can be discussed and worked out by willing parties.

Unfortunately, of the one hundred or more emails I receive from parents of estranged or abusive adult children each week, many of them have tried—unsuccessfully. Barbara certainly did. Offers for mediation, counselling, or to just sit down and talk, have been met with such things as flat-out refusals, silence, or more abusive rants.

Seeing the real you

Many parents are surprised to find that there are so many like them who have suffered from cruelty, abandonment, put-downs, and endless blame. And because it’s a controversial subject, they’ve been afraid to tell anyone for fear of judgment. Or, as is often the case, they’re keeping quiet to protect their adult child’s reputation.

Barbara knew she had done her best. She’s like other parents whose self-image can get lost to a flawed reflection provided repeatedly by abusive adult children. I routinely hear from parents convinced they’re failures, deserving of the pain or abandonment their sons and daughters inflict. After all, they reason, if they were a good mother or father, their children would love them.

They may try everything to maintain a relationship. Barbara’s daughter threatened to keep her grandchildren away, so she walked on eggshells.  “If I said anything out of line, which could be anything depending on her mood, then the tirade would begin.” Eventually, Barbara’s then 36-year old daughter began posting lies on Facebook about her. At the time, Barbara was recovering from surgery. At her breaking point, she replied, publicly asking her daughter why she’d lied. The postings were deleted, but Barbara’s daughter went no-contact. “It wasn’t the first time,” says Barbara. “But it has been the longest estrangement so far.”

With a health scare that became a turning point, Barbara knew she had to make a change. That’s when she began to look for help. But after years of warped opinions from an abusive adult child, she had little self-confidence.  “If I raised this person who turned out to be so cruel, then how could I be a successful mother?” she asks.  “My daughter had reminded me what a failure I was every chance she got.”

Take a closer look.

When suffering parents discover my book, they tell me they’re shocked to read so many experiences that mirror their own. And although it’s sad to know there are so many suffering, the knowledge is also heartening. They’re no longer alone. In reading other parents’ accounts, they get a clearer view. They see themselves in others’ stories, and recognize they were also good parents who did their best.

Once parents have a clearer reflection, they can explore positive changes to help themselves move forward in their own lives. One of the first steps is to look more closely at how much an abusive adult child has affected their lives. The inflicted suffering entails more than sadness and grief. Bitterness, lack of confidence, anger, fear, and anxiety have often crept in. In Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, there are many exercises, and one designed specifically to help with this vital step. Holding the magnifier up to examine changes in themselves is one of the first steps to making positive, concrete plans to regain confidence, find meaning, and happiness again.

Take action.

One woman who found this website and my book after 20 years of grief described her life as a “living death.” Now, she’s glad to have found a way out of the roller-coaster of emotions, the shame and sorrow, and to stop crying and to start celebrating life.

Barbara says it’s too late to reconcile with her daughter. There has been too much heartbreak, and her daughter has refused any sort of counseling or mediation. “I miss my grandchildren,” she says, “but I’m hoping to one day see them again.”

Barbara’s expresses the sentiment of many grandparents who, due to estrangement, have lost touch with precious ones. But I sometimes hear from grandparents who have received their wish. There’s a knock at the door one day, and it’s a grownup grandchild with that same sweet smile, wanting to reconnect. When that happens, you’ll want to be ready, so take care of yourself. As one grandmother recently advised, “Get dressed and put on lipstick every day.”

Don’t wait and hope, mired by inaction that only adds to your grief. You can clean the mirrors of guilt and shame and see yourself for the loving parent you have always been. Like thousands of parents who are learning to accept what they cannot change, and see their goodness again, you can be done with the crying. Take action for yourself and your happiness by reading more of the articles at this site, getting Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children and committing to the included exercises. Subscribe to my email newsletter (below) and take the survey. By taking action, you can be like so many parents who have recovered from the sadness and pain caused by abusive adult children, on-and-off or full-on estrangements. Treasure your life. You can find happiness and meaning again.

Rejected Parent

When Adult Child Turns Against you in Favour of a Narcissist Parent

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

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Isnt it bad enough, that after you get the strength and courage to leave your narcissist, and after youve already lost your self-worth, your youth, your time, lots of your money, your sanity, and whatever else you lost because of being in a narcissistic relationship, now you have to lose your kids too? It just isnt fair; and it isnt right.

Youve watched your narcissist manage to convince joint friends and other community members and sometimes even family members that you are the crazy one and he/she is the victim, by his/her masterful manipulation strategies. People are hoodwinked and dont even realize it. Your good name is slandered. You feel alone, humiliated, discouraged, disheartened, and vengeful.

Now, your kids are subjected to the smear campaign against you and you find it is actually working. It is enough to make you either curl up in the fetal position and give up, or rage with anger like an erupting volcano. Of course, to do either would confirm the reality of the premise of the smear campaign that you are deranged and crazy.

And if you talk about the situation, others will not understand and will simply conclude on their own that the other party must be right you are psychotic. Its a no win situation. Say nothing and your name is tarnished. Say anything and your craziness is confirmed.

And if you talk to your own kids about the situation you are drawing them into the middle of your relationship problems with their other parent which is a big no no.

Does going no contact include going no contact with your own children as well?

When you seek help from a therapist, you often find that he/she is just as much at a loss as you, because those in the counseling community are often not well-equipped to handle such relationship dynamics. No one is, really.

The courts rarely help and often exacerbate the problem. And if your children are not minors, then court involvement is pointless. Besides that, you cant legally force anyone to see the truth. Denial is denial and brainwashing is not easily countered.

So, what is a parent to do under these circumstances? Here are some helpful suggestions:

Do not be defensive. I know this is hard, but it is essential for your own peace of mind. Remember, during your entire relationship with the narcissist you were always put on the defense. Dont let him/her continue to keep you on that course, even through your children. You dont have to defend yourself. You dont have to be a perfect human being, always showing others why you are worthy.

In practical terms, the way you do this is to change course whenever you have the feeling of defensiveness. If you feel defensive, then dont talk, dont try to get anyone else to see the truth. Go for a walk. Write in your journal. Call a friend and vent. Do something else until the feeling is no longer pressing you.

Be strong. Do not give into the feeling of hopelessness and defeat. You have no leverage if you give up and give in to your weakest self. Your children are best served by feeling your strength and by not seeing you being manipulated by the other parent. You are best served by remaining steadfast, stable, strong, and resolute.

Do not give in to the need for approval from your children. Hustling for the approval of any person is not healthy or wise, even if the person happens to be your offspring. Once you need your children to approve of you then you have given your power away to them (and by proxy, to the other parent.)In order to do this you must keep validating yourself and getting external validation from your safe relationships and from your spiritual resources.

Realize you are not alone. Other parents struggle too. While, being among company with other parents is not a solution to the problem, it is important for keeping a proper perspective. What I mean by this, is that other parents, even those not in narcissistic relationships, also struggle with relationship (and other) problems with their children.

Many parents have children that reject them or turn to drugs or unhealthy relationships despite their parents desires. Adult children often choose a lifestyle or belief system that is against everything their parents stood for while raising them. There will be no good end to trying to force your children to see things your way.

Many parents also struggle with other difficult parenting conditions, such as having their children face some personal problem where the parent was unable to help such as a health problem, bullying or criminal or other out of their control situation.

Keep a healthy perspective.As mentioned above, it is important to keep the proper perspective. Having a balanced perspective is necessary for keeping your sanity. The best way to do this is to not react on your feelings, but rather to think things through with balance and maturity.

In essence, don’t horriblize the situation, remain calm, and be a problem solver. Reacting with strong emotions will not help you, thinking things through unemotionally will help you in the end. Look at the big picture, and resist the urge to join, “The War of the Roses” with your ex.

State your position once and then move on. It is fair for you to state your position on a matter to your children in order to shed light on the truth. Having your own voice is important for recovery from narcissistic abuse. That being said dont be a broken record; state your position once, and move on.

Practice Acceptance. Dont dwell on the negativity of it all. Narcissists do nothing but create a vortex of drama that leads your life into a cesspool. Drag yourself out of the cesspool and land on solid ground, where peace and sunshine abound. Dont allow the narcissist to steal your joy, even if he/she manages to manipulate your children into his/her web of deception and ugliness.

Psych Central