Category: Narcissistic Abuse

The Psychology of Hero Worship

On By LaetitiaIn Cult Behaviour, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious CultsLeave a comment

Exploring the fascination with Idols and Icons by Social Psychology.

Image – My Weekly Preview

The Psychological Foundations of Hero Worship

At its core, hero worship is deeply rooted in how we form attachments and learn from others. Remember when you were a kid, and you wanted to be just like your mom or dad? That’s attachment theory in action, baby! As we grow, we start to look beyond our immediate family for role models, and that’s where heroes come in.

Attachment theory suggests that we’re hardwired to seek out strong, protective figures. It’s an evolutionary thing – back in the day, attaching yourself to the strongest member of the tribe meant better chances of survival. Today, we might not need someone to protect us from saber-toothed tigers, but we still look for figures who embody strength, success, and security.

But it’s not just about feeling safe. Social learning theory tells us that we learn by observing and imitating others. Heroes serve as powerful role models, showing us what’s possible and how to behave. When you see an activist standing up for what’s right or an entrepreneur building a successful business from scratch, it’s not just inspiring – it’s educational.

Here’s where it gets really interesting: hero worship can actually boost our self-esteem. By identifying with a hero, we can feel a sense of connection to their greatness. It’s like basking in reflected glory. When your sports team wins, don’t you feel like you’ve won too? That’s your brain playing a neat little trick on you, helping you feel good by association.

But our brains aren’t always playing fair. Cognitive biases can skew our perception of heroes, making them seem even more impressive than they really are. The halo effect, for instance, makes us attribute positive qualities to someone based on one outstanding trait. So if an actor is really good-looking, we might assume they’re also kind, intelligent, and talented – even if we don’t have any evidence for those other qualities.

Types of Hero Worship and Their Psychological Implications

Now, hero worship isn’t a one-size-fits-all deal. It comes in different flavors, each with its own psychological quirks. Let’s break it down:

Celebrity Worship Syndrome: This is the big kahuna of hero worship in modern times. It’s that feeling when you just can’t get enough of your favorite star, hanging on their every word and action. The Celebrity Obsession Psychology: Unraveling the Fascination with Fame explores this phenomenon in depth. At its mildest, it’s harmless fun. But taken to extremes, it can lead to an unhealthy obsession that impacts daily life.

 Political Figure Idolization: Ever seen someone defend their favorite politician with the fervor of a religious zealot? That’s political hero worship in action. It can lead to a sort of tribalism, where the idolized figure can do no wrong in the eyes of their followers. This type of hero worship can have significant implications for democracy and critical thinking.

 Sports Hero Adoration: From little league to the big leagues, sports stars often find themselves the object of intense admiration. This form of hero worship can be particularly powerful because it often starts in childhood and is reinforced by shared experiences and community bonding.

Religious Leader Veneration: This is perhaps the oldest form of hero worship, dating back to the earliest human societies. Religious leaders are often seen as conduits to the divine, imbuing them with an almost supernatural aura in the eyes of their followers.

Each of these types of hero worship taps into different psychological needs and can have varying impacts on individuals and society as a whole. The Cult of Personality Psychology: Exploring the Power of Charismatic Leadership delves deeper into how certain individuals can command such devoted followings.

The Positive Aspects of Hero Worship Psychology

Before we start wagging our fingers at hero worship, let’s give credit where it’s due. This psychological phenomenon isn’t all bad – in fact, it can be downright beneficial when approached in a balanced way.

First off, heroes can be incredibly inspiring. When we see someone overcome great odds or achieve something remarkable, it lights a fire in us. It makes us think, “If they can do it, maybe I can too!” This inspiration can be a powerful motivator, pushing us to reach for our own goals and dreams.

Take the story of Malala Yousafzai, for instance. This young Pakistani activist stood up for girls’ education in the face of terrifying opposition. Her courage has inspired countless people around the world to fight for education and equality. That’s the power of a hero – they can motivate us to be better versions of ourselves.

Heroes can also serve as catalysts for personal growth and self-improvement. When we admire someone’s qualities or achievements, we often try to emulate them. Maybe you start hitting the gym after being inspired by an athlete’s dedication, or you pick up a book on leadership after admiring a successful CEO. In this way, hero worship can be a stepping stone to self-improvement.

The Hero’s Journey Psychology: Exploring the Transformative Power of Mythic Narratives shows us how stories of heroic transformation can inspire our own personal growth journeys.

Another positive aspect of hero worship is its ability to build communities and foster shared values. Think about fan communities – whether it’s Trekkies bonding over their love for Captain Kirk or Harry Potter fans united by their admiration for Hermione Granger. These shared heroes create a sense of belonging and connection.

Lastly, heroes can provide us with resilience and coping mechanisms. In times of hardship, we can draw strength from the stories of our heroes who faced adversity and triumphed. It’s like having a mental toolkit of inspiration to dip into when the going gets tough.

The Dark Side of Hero Worship

Now, let’s flip the coin and look at the potential pitfalls of hero worship. Like that extra slice of pizza, too much of a good thing can lead to some uncomfortable consequences.

One of the biggest dangers of hero worship is the development of unrealistic expectations. When we put our heroes on pedestals, we often forget that they’re human too. They make mistakes, they have flaws, and they sometimes let us down. When reality doesn’t match up to our idealized version of a hero, it can lead to crushing disappointment.

Remember the shock and disillusionment when Lance Armstrong’s doping scandal came to light? Fans who had idolized him as the epitome of perseverance and athletic excellence were left reeling. It’s a stark reminder that our heroes are fallible, and placing too much faith in them can set us up for a hard fall.

Hero worship can also lead to a loss of critical thinking and autonomy. When we’re too enamored with a figure, we might start to accept everything they say or do without question. This can be particularly dangerous in the realms of politics or religion, where blind faith can lead to manipulation and the suppression of individual thought.

The Superhero Complex Psychology: Unraveling the Mind Behind the Cape explores how an overidentification with heroic ideals can sometimes lead to problematic behavior.

Speaking of manipulation, hero worship can create opportunities for exploitation. Unscrupulous individuals who find themselves the object of adoration might use their influence for personal gain or to push harmful agendas. History is littered with examples of charismatic leaders who exploited their followers’ devotion with disastrous consequences.

On a more personal level, intense hero worship can have a negative impact on self-worth and identity. When we’re constantly comparing ourselves to idealized figures, it’s easy to feel like we don’t measure up. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a distorted sense of self.

Hero Worship in the Digital Age

Now, let’s zoom in on hero worship in our hyper-connected, digital world. The internet and social media have fundamentally changed the way we interact with our heroes, bringing new dimensions to this age-old phenomenon.

Social media has made heroes more accessible than ever before. With a few taps on your smartphone, you can see what your favorite celebrity had for breakfast or get real-time updates from a political figure you admire. This unprecedented access can make us feel closer to our heroes, intensifying the sense of connection and potentially amplifying the effects of hero worship.

The rise of influencer culture has also created a new breed of heroes. These aren’t traditional celebrities or historical figures, but everyday people who’ve gained followings through their social media presence. The Psychology of Fandom: Exploring the Mind Behind Fan Culture sheds light on how these new types of heroes are shaping modern fan behavior.

One fascinating aspect of digital-age hero worship is the development of parasocial relationships. These are one-sided relationships where a fan feels a deep connection to a media figure, even though they’ve never met in real life. Social media can intensify these parasocial bonds, making fans feel like they truly know and understand their heroes.

But with great power comes great responsibility (thanks, Spider-Man!). The digital age presents both challenges and opportunities in managing hero worship. On one hand, the constant exposure can fuel obsessive behaviors and unrealistic expectations. On the other hand, social media allows for more direct 
 communication between heroes and their admirers, potentially fostering more realistic perceptions.

Balancing Admiration and Critical Thinking

So, where does all this leave us? How do we navigate the complex waters of hero worship in a way that’s healthy and beneficial?

The key lies in striking a balance between admiration and critical thinking. It’s okay to look up to people who inspire us – in fact, it can be incredibly motivating and enriching. But it’s crucial to remember that our heroes are human, with all the complexities and flaws that entails.

Cultivating a nuanced understanding of our heroes allows us to appreciate their strengths while acknowledging their weaknesses. This balanced approach can actually deepen our admiration, making it more genuine and grounded in reality.

It’s also important to diversify our sources of inspiration. Relying too heavily on a single hero can limit our perspectives and make us vulnerable to disappointment. By drawing inspiration from a variety of sources, we can create a more robust and resilient framework for personal growth.

The Future of Hero Worship

As we look to the future, it’s clear that hero worship isn’t going anywhere. It’s too deeply ingrained in human psychology and culture. But the forms it takes and how we engage with it will likely continue to evolve.

We might see a shift towards more diverse and inclusive heroes, reflecting changing societal values. The rise of artificial intelligence could even lead to the emergence of AI heroes or mentors. Imagine having a personalized AI role model tailored to your specific needs and aspirations!

The Superhero Syndrome Psychology: Exploring the Complexities of Heroic Self-Perception offers insights into how our relationship with heroic ideals might evolve in the future.

Understanding hero worship psychology is crucial not just on a personal level, but in a broader social context too. It influences everything from our personal development to our political choices, from our consumer behavior to our cultural productions.

By developing a more nuanced understanding of hero worship, we can harness its positive aspects while mitigating its potential drawbacks. We can use it as a tool for inspiration and growth, rather than falling into the trap of blind idolization.

In the end, perhaps the most heroic thing we can do is to recognize the potential for heroism within ourselves. As the saying goes, not all heroes wear capes – sometimes, they’re ordinary people doing extraordinary things. And who knows? Maybe someday, someone will look up to you as their hero.

So the next time you find yourself starstruck by a celebrity or in awe of a historical figure, take a moment to reflect. Appreciate their qualities, learn from their experiences, but remember – you’ve got your own heroic journey to embark on. And that, my friends, is where the real adventure begins.

Neuro Launch

Signs of a Toxic Daughter

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Barrie Davenport

Image – Imbix Bustle

Mothers tend to see their daughters through the lens of unconditional love instead of owning up to the clear signs of a bad mother-daughter relationship. 

Having a toxic daughter isn’t about assigning blame. 

Understanding a Toxic and Mean Daughter

For every positive trait a mother tries to instill in a daughter, there’s an ugly side. A mother who spoils a child could be furiously complaining, “My daughter treats me with contempt!”

Let’s start with the obvious: you are not a bad mom. You did the best you could with what information you had. But where is all that toxicity coming from? 

Mental Health Issues: One in five adults lives with a mental illness. 20% of children with ADHD are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all until adulthood. A chemical imbalance in the brain could be a sickness wrongly identified as toxic.

Independence: Mothers struggle to balance raising an independent child and “helicopter parenting” their kids. A daughter who feels she doesn’t have the space to grow on her own will resent her mother for getting in the way.

Friendship vs. Parenting: Mothers who try to be their daughter’s best friend are bad at establishing boundaries. This sends the daughter into the adult world feeling entitled to whatever she wants

Neglect: A child who doesn’t think their needs are being met or their cries for help aren’t heard can resent their parents.

13 Heartbreaking Toxic Daughter Signs

Approach this list with an open mind and a place of self-awareness. Some toxic habits could’ve been learned in your home, while others could be societal influences.

Then there’s the generational gap that always fuels a fiery relationship. These are not excuses. These are discussion points. 

1. She’s Immature

The 18th birthday only makes you an adult in the eyes of the law. Turning 21 doesn’t have a magic transition to a fully independent adult, either.

The more your teenager relied on you for guidance, finances, and life skills, the more she will depend on that into adulthood. 

If she’s coming to you with the expectation you will still do things for her, despite your efforts to teach, she’s in toxic trouble that will impact every corner of her life. 

2. She Likes Someone Else’s Mom Better

Whether it’s her new mother-in-law or the mother of her best friend, toxic daughters can make their own mothers feel like crap when they are constantly praising another mother.

While you are left with memories of staying awake with her seven nights straight when she had the flu, she wishes you were more stylish “like Jessica’s mom.”

When a daughter is directly or indirectly comparing you to someone else, you really need to figure out the line between your sensitivity and her toxicity. 

3. She’s Bossy

We know, we know – calling someone “bossy” isn’t politically correct anymore. It feels like such a betrayal when you raised a daughter to have a strong voice, and now she’s telling you what to do like you’re a hired helper.

As with any pushy, bossy, or dominating personality, you control how much they get away with it. 

When toxic levels of pushiness extend to disrespecting wait staff, parking attendants, or strangers in public, you’ll really see how she lacks respect and empathy for other people. 

4. She’s Obsessed with Herself

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said, “I’m so glad social media wasn’t around when I was a teenager!” When your daughter is too focused on herself, she won’t care who she hurts along the way to the next selfie.

She can even twist that pushiness and immaturity onto you as she tears down your makeup routine or fashion choices.

Self-obsession can be formed in childhood with constant praise from parents and the social circle that demanded a picture-perfect lifestyle. Extremely toxic egotistical daughters will even tear others down to put themselves higher on their own pedestal.

5. She Plays You Against Your Husband or Ex

A daughter who uses her manipulative techniques to get her way can play one parent off the other. She might outright call you on the carpet in front of your hubby or secretly tell her dad that you are being mean to her. 

Keep in mind your daughter has built up this practice over the years, and it’s not a trait that will go away on its own. 

Toxic goes into overload when she outright tells you she likes her dad/mum or step-dad/step-mum better than you.

She might even treat you poorly while praising your husband, making you wonder if you did something wrong.

6. She Doesn’t Respond to You

It’s been days, and your daughter hasn’t called or texted you back. You are torn between being hurt and wondering if this is the start of a Lifetime Movie, “My Daughter Is Missing.” 

She could up the ante by answering the phone when you call with a hefty sigh and demanding you don’t respect her busy schedule.

It’s normal for a daughter not to have the same time to spend with you as she transitions to the adult world. It’s not normal to act like she doesn’t see you in the grocery store.

7. She Got Married and Divorced You

As if your daughter leaving the nest wasn’t hard enough, now she’s married and busier than ever. It’s especially challenging for a mom who spent months planning the wedding with her daughter (if they havent already married without your knowledge). 

A daughter who dismisses a mother after getting married likely lacks empathy and is too self-absorbed to know that it hurts. 

A mother can also have a hard time letting go during this transition. Your new son-in-law could also be more controlling than you realized.

She could be separating herself from the reliance on you and your (awesome) advice. 

8. She Makes You Feel Stupid

The power of the eye rolls when parents ask kids about TikTok could fuel New York City for two days. Toxic daughters have no interest in helping parents learn about trending technology.

They seem to forget how it took them six months to tie their dang shoes while you patiently helped.

A toxic daughter will make no qualms about embarrassing a mother at every opportunity, mostly to make herself look better. If she keeps doing it even when you’ve been honest about how you feel, she’s toxic times two. 

9. She’s Always the Victim

Your daughter comes crying to you that she got fired for “only” being late to work five times in the past month. She might even blame you for not teaching her how to change a flat tire and “she almost died” when her car broke down late at night. 

A mother’s nature is to calm and coddle an upset daughter, but you could just be feeding the beast. She gets extra toxic points if you become the enemy when you disagree with her latest victim volume of social posts. 

10. She’s a Liar

As an adult, your daughter is far beyond claiming her eyes are red because of allergies and not the joint she smoked at a party.

Toxic daughters lie for many reasons – to get their way, to gain an advantage, to play to your sense of guilt, and to avoid talking about a topic. 

Toxic daughters who lie will only keep doing it if it benefits them. By confronting her, you do run the risk of her giving you the silent treatment. 

11. She’s Overly Emotional 

You’ve been given the silent treatment before, so you’re likely not too upset about that. Suppose your daughter’s emotions are always toxic, and every discussion ends with her yelling, crying, or slamming your cabinets.

In that case, she’s definitely lacking respect for you and dealing with some mental health issues. 

You should also examine how often her emotional outbursts get her to manipulate you. You can’t control her reaction, but you can control your response. 

12. She Has an Addictive Personality

Overachieving daughters likely have a knack for becoming obsessed or addicted to the chemical rush of something positive.

That tenacity was great when she was studying for the LSAT, but her addictive behaviours can also lead to eating disorders, substance abuse, and loss of reality. 

Especially if her addictive personality pairs with an overly emotional mindset, you could experience her wrath when you ask simple questions about sudden weight loss or slurred speech. 

13. She Never Apologizes

You’ve likely made some motherhood mistakes that you’ve beaten yourself up over for years.

Mothers are quick to apologize, even if it’s not their direct fault. Toxic daughters feed into this by assuming mom is always to blame and escape any fight without owning up to their role.

Even if your daughter will make up with you after a fight, ensure you get the apology before you part ways. If she refuses to apologize, her toxic trait could be as permanent as that tattoo you don’t know about.

Live Bold and Bloom

Pathalogical Liars and Mental Disorders

On By LaetitiaIn Divorce, Family Concerns, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

By Kristina Robb-Dover

Everyone lies. It’s a part of life, for better or for worse. Some people find peace in white lies and don’t feel bad about occasionally avoiding the truth to spare a loved one’s feelings. Others, however, see lying, even major lies, as something completely inconsequential.

Pathological lying goes far beyond the standard lies most people tell. Pathological liars lie about all kinds of things, big and small, for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Individuals with this personality trait may lie about innocuous things, like weekend plans, or larger topics, like past experiences, work, schooling or relationships. This may seem like nothing more than an obnoxious personality trait — and in some cases, it is — but lying to this level can also be a symptom of a larger problem. When narcissistic pathological lying begins to interfere with someone’s personal life or the lives of those around them, it may be time to consider a conversation with a therapist or other trained mental health professional.

Defining Pathological Lying

Pathological lying is a behavior pattern in which individuals lie chronically or compulsively. Sometimes referred to as mythomania or pseudologia fantastica, pathological lying generally manifests as lying for lying’s sake. In some cases, individuals may lie to make themselves look better, but in others, they may have no good reason to lie or gain nothing from the act of lying. Being the friend or family member of a pathological liar can be very frustrating, as it’s hard to tell what’s a lie and what isn’t or when a liar can be trusted.

There may be biological drivers behind pathological lying. One study found that central nervous system behavior may influence a propensity for lying, and another found evidence of lying due to an imbalance in the hormone-cortisol ratio. However, due to the differences in the nature of lying and the purposes of lying from one individual to another, there’s not always clear logic behind when or why pathological lying occurs.

“Sometimes lying can be a coping response, often starting in childhood, for some psychological or personality issue that may not be at first visible, it is important to see past just dealing with the lying to uncover the cause,” shares Dr. Beau A. Nelson, DBH, LCSW, Chief Clinical Officer at FHE Health.

Mental Health Disorders

Mental health disorders can and do play a role in pathological lying and may be a contributing factor. In many instances, getting a diagnosis can be the first step to addressing chronic lying.

Determining the difference between lying for social or personal reasons and lying due to mental illness can be a challenge. However, there are often differences in the manifestation of lying in those with mental illnesses versus those who lie for other reasons. For example, there are links between mental illness and believing your own lies; liars with other motivations often don’t believe what they’re saying.

Some of the mental health disorders that cause or contribute to pathological lying include:

Narcissistic personality disorder. Also called NPD, narcissistic personality disorder manifests as arrogant and self-centered behavior with little regard for other people’s feelings. Narcissistic pathological liars may lie for attention, to make themselves feel better, to feel superior to others or to manipulate others for the purposes of self-gain.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder. Obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD, is a mental disorder that features intrusive thoughts and feelings, or obsessions, and a strong urge to perform certain behaviors, or compulsions. In some cases, there are ties between OCD and compulsive lying. Lying can be a true compulsion in a person with OCD experiences, or it can be a negative coping method.

Anxiety disorders. Anxiety can manifest in numerous ways, from acute episodes to more generalized anxiety. While pathological lying isn’t a defining feature of anxiety as it is with other disorders, such as NPD, anxiety and compulsive lying can sometimes go hand in hand. People with anxiety disorders may lie to protect themselves from anxiety triggers or to handle things like a fear of rejection.

Antisocial personality disorder. Antisocial personality disorder is a serious diagnosis that often involves manipulation and cruelty toward others for the sake of personal amusement. It’s often associated with psychopathy. Those with APD might compulsively lie to manipulate the people around them, hurt others’ feelings or otherwise cause harm.

Other Reasons for Pathological Lying

While pathological lying can be linked to mental health disorders, it isn’t always. There are numerous other reasons people may lie with abandon, including:

Insecurity. Some people feel very insecure about who they are and might lie in an effort to make themselves feel better or inflate their own sense of self-worth. Lying may also be a defense mechanism to prevent ridicule or social exclusion. Lying under these circumstances is often quite transparent.

Social status. For those who value social status, lying may be a way to maintain a reputation. For example, communities focused on looks or financial status may look down on behaviors they perceive as lesser. Participants in these kinds of communities, like country clubs or prestigious social organizations, may lie to fit in with their desired peers.

Humor. Though less common than other reasons, some people may lie often because they find it funny. They may not understand the frustrations that come with being lied to or may believe their lies are so egregious that no one would believe them.

Substance abuse. Many substance abusers have issues with honesty, but this is generally inspired by a desire to hide signs of abuse rather than lying for attention or sympathy.

Pathological lying can seem harmless, albeit annoying, but it may be the sign of a bigger problem. Compulsive lying can be a symptom of a mental health disorder or even substance abuse. If pathological lying is a problem in yourself or others, therapy can be a good place to start in getting to the bottom of an issue. Confronting another person about their lying can be challenging but may be a good way to bring a problem to light. When addressing a friend or loved one’s lying, be prepared with a plan, including examples of lies that have harmed relationships or other life circumstances.

How to Cope With a Pathological Liar

It can be challenging, even overwhelming, to maintain a close and trusting relationship with someone prone to pathological lying. The constant uncertainty and broken trust make it difficult to have such a person in your life. If the pathological liar is a close friend or family member or even a spouse, learning to cope with them is crucial to your own well-being.

First, it’s important to recognize that pathological lying is often a compulsion rather than a deliberate act of deceit. Much like a compulsive overeater who might not make a conscious choice to stuff themselves to the point of getting sick or causing health problems, the pathological liar probably isn’t choosing to intentionally spew falsehoods but is instead struggling with an overwhelming urge to fabricate.

You should also understand that pathological lying is usually not the underlying issue. Rather, it’s typically a symptom or manifestation of an underlying mental health condition. If you share a close relationship with someone who compulsively lies, consider gently encouraging them to seek professional help. If you can compel them to address the root cause of the issue, you can play an active role in their healing process.

Treatment for Pathological Lying

Because it isn’t a standalone medical condition, pathological lying doesn’t have a specific treatment. That said, it can often be treated by addressing the underlying mental health issue that causes it. For instance, if pathological lying is the result of a personality disorder, such as dissociative identity or borderline personality, treatments such as medication and cognitive behavioral therapy can make a major difference.

Getting help for mental health issues, including conditions that may lead to pathological lying, can be a critical step. Contact FHE Health today to learn more about our comprehensive treatment options.

FHE Rehab

When Adult Child Turns Against you in Favour of a Narcissist Parent

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Image – Quotesgram.com

Isnt it bad enough, that after you get the strength and courage to leave your narcissist, and after youve already lost your self-worth, your youth, your time, lots of your money, your sanity, and whatever else you lost because of being in a narcissistic relationship, now you have to lose your kids too? It just isnt fair; and it isnt right.

Youve watched your narcissist manage to convince joint friends and other community members and sometimes even family members that you are the crazy one and he/she is the victim, by his/her masterful manipulation strategies. People are hoodwinked and dont even realize it. Your good name is slandered. You feel alone, humiliated, discouraged, disheartened, and vengeful.

Now, your kids are subjected to the smear campaign against you and you find it is actually working. It is enough to make you either curl up in the fetal position and give up, or rage with anger like an erupting volcano. Of course, to do either would confirm the reality of the premise of the smear campaign that you are deranged and crazy.

And if you talk about the situation, others will not understand and will simply conclude on their own that the other party must be right you are psychotic. Its a no win situation. Say nothing and your name is tarnished. Say anything and your craziness is confirmed.

And if you talk to your own kids about the situation you are drawing them into the middle of your relationship problems with their other parent which is a big no no.

Does going no contact include going no contact with your own children as well?

When you seek help from a therapist, you often find that he/she is just as much at a loss as you, because those in the counseling community are often not well-equipped to handle such relationship dynamics. No one is, really.

The courts rarely help and often exacerbate the problem. And if your children are not minors, then court involvement is pointless. Besides that, you cant legally force anyone to see the truth. Denial is denial and brainwashing is not easily countered.

So, what is a parent to do under these circumstances? Here are some helpful suggestions:

Do not be defensive. I know this is hard, but it is essential for your own peace of mind. Remember, during your entire relationship with the narcissist you were always put on the defense. Dont let him/her continue to keep you on that course, even through your children. You dont have to defend yourself. You dont have to be a perfect human being, always showing others why you are worthy.

In practical terms, the way you do this is to change course whenever you have the feeling of defensiveness. If you feel defensive, then dont talk, dont try to get anyone else to see the truth. Go for a walk. Write in your journal. Call a friend and vent. Do something else until the feeling is no longer pressing you.

Be strong. Do not give into the feeling of hopelessness and defeat. You have no leverage if you give up and give in to your weakest self. Your children are best served by feeling your strength and by not seeing you being manipulated by the other parent. You are best served by remaining steadfast, stable, strong, and resolute.

Do not give in to the need for approval from your children. Hustling for the approval of any person is not healthy or wise, even if the person happens to be your offspring. Once you need your children to approve of you then you have given your power away to them (and by proxy, to the other parent.)In order to do this you must keep validating yourself and getting external validation from your safe relationships and from your spiritual resources.

Realize you are not alone. Other parents struggle too. While, being among company with other parents is not a solution to the problem, it is important for keeping a proper perspective. What I mean by this, is that other parents, even those not in narcissistic relationships, also struggle with relationship (and other) problems with their children.

Many parents have children that reject them or turn to drugs or unhealthy relationships despite their parents desires. Adult children often choose a lifestyle or belief system that is against everything their parents stood for while raising them. There will be no good end to trying to force your children to see things your way.

Many parents also struggle with other difficult parenting conditions, such as having their children face some personal problem where the parent was unable to help such as a health problem, bullying or criminal or other out of their control situation.

Keep a healthy perspective.As mentioned above, it is important to keep the proper perspective. Having a balanced perspective is necessary for keeping your sanity. The best way to do this is to not react on your feelings, but rather to think things through with balance and maturity.

In essence, don’t horriblize the situation, remain calm, and be a problem solver. Reacting with strong emotions will not help you, thinking things through unemotionally will help you in the end. Look at the big picture, and resist the urge to join, “The War of the Roses” with your ex.

State your position once and then move on. It is fair for you to state your position on a matter to your children in order to shed light on the truth. Having your own voice is important for recovery from narcissistic abuse. That being said dont be a broken record; state your position once, and move on.

Practice Acceptance. Dont dwell on the negativity of it all. Narcissists do nothing but create a vortex of drama that leads your life into a cesspool. Drag yourself out of the cesspool and land on solid ground, where peace and sunshine abound. Dont allow the narcissist to steal your joy, even if he/she manages to manipulate your children into his/her web of deception and ugliness.

Psych Central

Faking Mental Illness for Attention

On By LaetitiaIn Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

….. can exacerbate existing stigmas.

Image – You Tube

Attention-seeking behaviour refers to actions or behaviours individuals engage in to gain the attention, validation, or sympathy of others. This can manifest in various ways, and sometimes individuals resort to falsely claiming to have a mental illness as a means to fulfil their need for attention.

Sometimes people who want others to notice them might tell big, made-up stories or make their experiences sound more exciting than they really are. They might make up things about their feelings and struggles with their mind, and the things they’ve been through, just to get more people interested in what they’re saying. When they receive attention or sympathy as a result, they might feel validated and encouraged to continue the behaviour. Positive responses from others can reinforce their belief that faking a mental illness is an effective way to gain the attention they desire.
Some people that experience boredom or satisfaction with their daily routine, falsely claiming a mental illness can introduce an element of excitement and unpredictability into their lives. Attention-seeking behaviour can provide a temporary break from the monotony and routine they might be experiencing.

When someone is doing things to get attention, it’s not always simple. It’s good to be kind and try to understand them. They might be doing this because they need something emotional that they’re not getting. Being there for them and connecting with them can help with these feelings.

We should also be careful not to mix up people who really need help with those who just want attention. It’s not good to ignore someone’s feelings without thinking about it. That can make things worse instead of better.

Avoiding responsibilities

Some people pretend to have a mental illness so they don’t have to do things they don’t want to do. They use the idea of being mentally unwell as an excuse to avoid tasks, responsibilities, or things they don’t like or find difficult.

Faking a mental illness might provide individuals with temporary relief from the pressures of their responsibilities. They might believe that claiming a mental health issue allows them to take a break or receive understanding from others, offering them a respite from their obligations. also can be used as a strategy to avoid accountability in cases where they’ve made mistakes or neglected their duties. Presenting themselves as mentally unwell can act as a temporary shield from repercussions.

When people make it seem like they’re really struggling mentally, they might hope that others will be nicer and more forgiving when they don’t do well at something. This can happen in places like school, work, or with friends or family. They think that if they act like they’re having a hard time, people will feel sorry for them and be more patient with their mistakes or problems.

Wanting to avoid responsibilities can also come from different reasons like being scared of failing, feeling not so good about oneself, wanting things to be easy, or not feeling motivated. Pretending to be mentally ill is a way to explain why they’re avoiding things, and they might think that doing this will make people feel bad for them and help them out.

Personal Gain

Sometimes, people might pretend to be mentally ill to get things for themselves. They might want special treatment, attention, or help that they wouldn’t get if they were honest. They might believe that acting like they have a mental illness will make people feel sorry for them and give them what they want.

One reason for this could be that they want others to notice and care about them. They might think that if they act like they’re struggling mentally, people will pay more attention to them and offer help. This attention could make them feel important and liked.

Another reason could be that they want to avoid doing things that are hard or not fun. By pretending to have a mental illness, they might hope to get out of tasks or responsibilities they don’t want to do. They think others will be more understanding and won’t make them do those things.

But even though this might seem like a good idea at first, it can cause problems in the long run. People might stop trusting them, and they could hurt their relationships with others. It’s better to be honest and find real ways to deal with challenges.

Manipulation

Manipulation is when someone tries to control or influence others in sneaky or unfair ways. It’s like trying to make people do what you want by using tricks or lies. People who manipulate might pretend to be your friend, but they’re really trying to get something from you.

One way manipulation can happen is by playing with your emotions. Someone might make you feel guilty or sad on purpose so that you’ll do what they ask. For example, they might say things like, “If you really cared about me, you would do this for me.” This makes you feel like you have to do what they want, even if it’s not right or fair.

Another way is by giving you compliments or being extra nice, but only when they want something. They might act really friendly and say nice things to make you like them and trust them. Then, when they need help or want you to do something, you might feel like you owe them because they were so nice before.

Sometimes, people who manipulate will twist the truth or make up stories to get sympathy. They might lie about being in a tough situation or having a hard time just to make you feel sorry for them. This can make you want to help them, even if they’re not being honest.

In the end, manipulation is not a good way to treat others. It can hurt your relationships and make people not trust you. It’s better to be honest and ask for things in a fair and respectful way. And if someone is trying to manipulate you, it’s okay to stand up for yourself and say no.

Stigmatisation of mental health

Stigmatising mental health means treating people with mental health problems unfairly because of misunderstandings and wrong ideas. This can make it hard for folks to ask for help and can lead to less understanding about mental health. One way this happens is when some people pretend to have a mental illness when they don’t really. This can make others believe wrong things about mental health and make it even harder for people who need help.

When people fake mental illnesses, it can make it tough for those who are really struggling. Others might not believe them or think they’re just pretending. This can make it lonely for people who need care and support.

Faking mental illnesses can also make real mental health problems look less serious. It can make others think these problems aren’t as important as physical health problems.

Stigmatising mental health can also stop people from talking about their feelings. When they’re worried others might judge them, they might not want to say what they’re going through. This means they might not ask for help when they need it.

To stop this, we need to be kind and learn about mental health. We can share real information to help people understand better. By being understanding and talking openly about mental health, we can make it easier for everyone to get the help and support they need.

Soufiane N. is a passionate writer and mental health advocate. Soufiane is the founder of The Mindful Messenger.

Psych Reg

Complexity of Grief with Estrangement

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious CultsLeave a comment

by Kaytee Gillies

  • The complexity of grief is difficult to describe or understand, especially when it’s a family member one has been estranged from.
  • We have every right to feel sad, angry, resentful, or even guilty, whether the estrangement was our choice or not.
  • When we lose those we were distanced from, the pain is still there. Yet, many do not understand, so it can feel isolating.

Grieving the loss of a parent from whom you were estranged is a very difficult experience. You have the grief that comes from loss and the permanence of death. Death is a very traumatic experience, and that grief can never be replicated or compared. However, the grief that follows when someone has been estranged from a family member or loved one can sometimes feel worse. It is filled with guilt, shame, and a sense of loss—or of grieving what wasn’t there.

With estrangement, there is so much unknown: Some people might struggle with guilt or anger, having wanted a reconciliation, yet they are unable because it is too late. This brings the loss of what could have—and should have— been, coupled with the knowledge of what is unattainable. Many others might struggle with resentment. One client put it perfectly: “I don’t even have the luxury of grieving the loss of my dad because, instead, I’m grieving the loss of who my dad was—and our lack of a healthy relationship.” My client echoed the feelings and sentiments that many others, myself included, have felt.

The questions and judgments from others make it all the more difficult for survivors of estrangement. There are the insensitive and unaware questions or comments such as “But they’re your family; you should have talked to them” or guilt trips such as “Why are you sad? You didn’t talk to them anyway.” To someone who has never been estranged, it’s impossible to understand. To them, it might just seem like a petty argument or disagreement, and they might automatically blame the survivor for their feelings of grief.

Many estrangements are due to traumas, conflict within the family, mental illness, abuse, or other elements that make the relationship difficult—or impossible—to navigate. Too many well-meaning friends will tell you to “just move on,” not knowing that it’s not that simple. Comments like this place the blame for the estrangement on an already vulnerable and often traumatized individual.

Here are five steps to help you navigate the grief experience of losing a parent from whom you were estranged:

Validate and honor your feelings. You have every right to feel sad, angry, resentful, or even guilty. You do not owe anyone an explanation for these feelings, nor do you need permission to feel them. Survivors of family estrangement are often blamed for the estrangement, whether it was your choice or not, and are often made to feel that their feelings aren’t valid with comments such as “Well, you didn’t talk anyway, so it can’t be that hard.”

Negative feelings do not mean you need to act differently. Many survivors feel that negative feelings, specifically guilt, mean we were wrong and that the estrangement was our “fault,” or that there was something we should have done differently. This is not only unfair, but it is also unrealistic. Allow yourself to acknowledge these feelings, but try not to let them gaslight you into thinking your experiences didn’t happen.

Seek support from those who understand. During your grieving process, choose to spend time with those who validate you and your feelings. Whether they are friends, family, support groups, or others who understand, you need people in your corner who are not going to challenge your feelings or make you feel like you have to “prove” your grief, which can make you feel misunderstood and uncomfortable.

Remember that grief is like riding a wave. You will have good days, or even good weeks, when you think you’re all done grieving, only to hear a familiar song or smell a nostalgic smell that brings you right back. Know that this is normal and that it is part of the process.

Seek professional support if needed. Do not be afraid to seek professional support from a therapist. Navigating grief is extremely difficult, especially if there was any sort of dysfunction in the family relationship. Most of my clients have histories of traumatic or dysfunctional families, and the death of a parent or family member does not take that dysfunction away. They still have the unhealthy messages and unhealed traumas to unpack and work through—even more with the addition of grief.

Psychology Today

Sibling Rivalry

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse, Sexual AbuseLeave a comment

Why families need to pay more attention….. by Peg Streep

Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:

“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”

This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favourites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favoured daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.

How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse


KEY POINTS

  • The term “sibling rivalry” can mislead parents, leading them to ignore sibling abuse.
  • Healthy competition requires balance of power between siblings. Parents can contribute by not playing favorites or using competion to criticize.
  • Physical aggression is strikingly common between and among siblings. Surprisingly, it can teach valuable skills when it is mutual or dyadic.
  • Sibling abuse is about power. It is always one-sided.
Obie Fernandez/Unsplash

Source: Obie Fernandez/Unsplash

Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:

“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”

This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favorites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favored daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.

How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse

But, sometimes, a sibling’s verbal abuse isn’t an echo but an act of individual aggression, and it’s sad that parents don’t always recognize it as such and write it off as a function of “sibling rivalry” — a supposedly a “normal” occurrence in families with more than one child.

In his 2012 book Sibling Aggression, Jonathan Caspi noted that this normalization isn’t just limited to laypeople but to professionals as well. He writes that despite a growing body of research which shows otherwise, “the mistaken belief that sibling violence is not harmful normalizes it. Statements such as ‘My brother beat on me and I am fine’ and ‘Boys will be boys’ minimize honest appraisals of possible effects and validate its continued use.” He notes that practitioners too grew up with the same social context—thinking that sibling aggression is normal—and so their judgments about family dynamics are often clouded by their own internalized views. He surmises that this point of view limits research as well. He uses sibling aggression as an umbrella term which encompasses four categories which he arranges in order of effect, going from most mild to severe; in order, they are competition, conflict, violence, and abuse.

Understanding competition between siblings

Healthy competition can motivate and challenge siblings to develop their skills and talents. Famous siblings in sports — the Williams sisters or the Manning brothers — immediately come to mind. But when the aim of the competition is to highlight one sibling’s flaws or inadequacies, competition moves from being inspirational to being hurtful and damaging. (Think about the Jackson Five, their siblings, and their abusive father, for example.) Caspi notes that most of the time, one sibling’s advanced skills don’t damage another’s self-esteem.

Surveying conflict in sibling relationships

Every family experiences some amount of conflict and, as Caspi notes, constructive sibling conflict promotes social and emotional competence, teaches problem-solving, and helps a child hone his or her emotional regulation. My own thought is that, for this to happen, parents have to have modeled and implemented cooperative ways of dealing with disagreements and conflict. In households where verbal abuse is the default, this isn’t going to happen.

But even in a household where constructive behaviour has been modelled, it’s clear that constant negative conflict between siblings can alter the dynamics of a family as well as the sibling relationship.

Is roughhousing violence between siblings?

Caspi notes that the terms sibling violence and sibling abuse are often used interchangeably because they both entail physical and verbal acts that intend to do harm. However, he distinguishes violence from abuse. He writes: “Violence reflects mutual or bidirectional aggression in which both siblings aim to harm each other in a concert of perceived egalitarian relationship.” Sibling physical violence — hitting, biting, pinching, kicking — is astonishingly prevalent; some researchers’ estimates are as high as 96 percent of all families while others put it at 80 percent. But, as Caspi points out, physical violence is very difficult to distinguish from animated roughhousing or even rough-and-tumble play so these numbers may be greatly inflated because of parental confusion about what’s “normal” between siblings and what’s not. Most importantly, research supports Caspi’s contention that this kind of mutual sibling violence doesn’t damage self-esteem.

Some readers will share my initial confusion, reading that this “even-steven” and mutual mano a mano type of violence isn’t necessarily harmful or damaging, but that is what research shows. Let’s consider rough-and-tumble play, for example. Joseph L. Flanders, Vanessa Leo, and their colleagues cite research showing that physically aggressive behaviors are observable as early as 18 months but begin to taper off in most children by age two or three; their study looked at father-child rough-and-tumble play (RTP) to determine whether a father’s behavior influenced a higher incidence of continuing physical aggression in children. It’s widely recognized that fathers play with children differently than mothers do, regardless of gender, and that kids prefer Dad’s style of play over Mom’s.


KEY POINTS

  • The term “sibling rivalry” can mislead parents, leading them to ignore sibling abuse.
  • Healthy competition requires balance of power between siblings. Parents can contribute by not playing favorites or using competion to criticize.
  • Physical aggression is strikingly common between and among siblings. Surprisingly, it can teach valuable skills when it is mutual or dyadic.
  • Sibling abuse is about power. It is always one-sided.
Obie Fernandez/Unsplash

Source: Obie Fernandez/Unsplash

Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:

“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”

This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favorites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favored daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.

How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse

article continues after advertisement

But, sometimes, a sibling’s verbal abuse isn’t an echo but an act of individual aggression, and it’s sad that parents don’t always recognize it as such and write it off as a function of “sibling rivalry” — a supposedly a “normal” occurrence in families with more than one child.

In his 2012 book Sibling Aggression, Jonathan Caspi noted that this normalization isn’t just limited to laypeople but to professionals as well. He writes that despite a growing body of research which shows otherwise, “the mistaken belief that sibling violence is not harmful normalizes it. Statements such as ‘My brother beat on me and I am fine’ and ‘Boys will be boys’ minimize honest appraisals of possible effects and validate its continued use.” He notes that practitioners too grew up with the same social context—thinking that sibling aggression is normal—and so their judgments about family dynamics are often clouded by their own internalized views. He surmises that this point of view limits research as well. He uses sibling aggression as an umbrella term which encompasses four categories which he arranges in order of effect, going from most mild to severe; in order, they are competition, conflict, violence, and abuse.

Understanding competition between siblings

Healthy competition can motivate and challenge siblings to develop their skills and talents. Famous siblings in sports — the Williams sisters or the Manning brothers — immediately come to mind. But when the aim of the competition is to highlight one sibling’s flaws or inadequacies, competition moves from being inspirational to being hurtful and damaging. (Think about the Jackson Five, their siblings, and their abusive father, for example.) Caspi notes that most of the time, one sibling’s advanced skills don’t damage another’s self-esteem.

Surveying conflict in sibling relationships

Every family experiences some amount of conflict and, as Caspi notes, constructive sibling conflict promotes social and emotional competence, teaches problem-solving, and helps a child hone his or her emotional regulation. My own thought is that, for this to happen, parents have to have modeled and implemented cooperative ways of dealing with disagreements and conflict. In households where verbal abuse is the default, this isn’t going to happen.

But even in a household where constructive behavior has been modeled, it’s clear that constant negative conflict between siblings can alter the dynamics of a family as well as the sibling relationship.

Is roughhousing violence between siblings?

Caspi notes that the terms sibling violence and sibling abuse are often used interchangeably because they both entail physical and verbal acts that intend to do harm. However, he distinguishes violence from abuse. He writes: “Violence reflects mutual or bidirectional aggression in which both siblings aim to harm each other in a concert of perceived egalitarian relationship.” Sibling physical violence — hitting, biting, pinching, kicking — is astonishingly prevalent; some researchers’ estimates are as high as 96 percent of all families while others put it at 80 percent. But, as Caspi points out, physical violence is very difficult to distinguish from animated roughhousing or even rough-and-tumble play so these numbers may be greatly inflated because of parental confusion about what’s “normal” between siblings and what’s not. Most importantly, research supports Caspi’s contention that this kind of mutual sibling violence doesn’t damage self-esteem.

Some readers will share my initial confusion, reading that this “even-steven” and mutual mano a mano type of violence isn’t necessarily harmful or damaging, but that is what research shows. Let’s consider rough-and-tumble play, for example. Joseph L. Flanders, Vanessa Leo, and their colleagues cite research showing that physically aggressive behaviors are observable as early as 18 months but begin to taper off in most children by age two or three; their study looked at father-child rough-and-tumble play (RTP) to determine whether a father’s behavior influenced a higher incidence of continuing physical aggression in children. It’s widely recognized that fathers play with children differently than mothers do, regardless of gender, and that kids prefer Dad’s style of play over Mom’s.

article continues after advertisement

RTP is characterized by aggressive behaviours such as “wrestling, grappling, jumping, and chasing in a play context.” Fathers often socialize both sons and daughters through this kind of physical play which is associated positively with emotional regulation, self-control, reading emotional cues, and even sensitivity to others. These are important skills for self-development and permit children to negotiate social rules in peer settings with more ease. What Flanders and his team found was that when fathers controlled and set limits during RTP, their children demonstrated lower levels of physical aggression in daily life; in contrast, the children of fathers who didn’t set limits and shucked off dominance were more likely to be more physically aggressive in later life.

So mutual or bi-directional physical aggression actually has its benefits, as counterintuitive as that may seem.

When it’s not mutual, it’s abuse

The distinction that Caspi makes between violence and abuse largely rests on power; if he considers the first to be “bidirectional” or “mutual,” then sibling abuse is “unidirectional hostility where one sibling seeks to overpower the other via a reign of terror and intimidation, and reflects an asymmetrical power arrangement.” The abusive sibling not only wants to humiliate and render the other powerless but he or she is intent on aggrandizing him or herself through the act. Caspi notes four kinds of sibling abuse—physical, sexual, psychological or verbal, and relational—but verbal abuse is by far the most prevalent. Among siblings, verbal abuse includes insults, name-calling, and threats to property. Again, because siblings do chivy for attention in the household, it may be difficult for the parents to distinguish between chivying, an expression of frustration, and verbal abuse which is about dominance.

Beyond sibling rivalry

It’s clear that we need to retire the term. If you’re an adult who experienced sibling abuse but have rationalized or downplayed it, now’s the time to stop and reflect on its effects. Speak out. You may get pushback because families guard their narratives fiercely but it’s time you stepped out of the role assigned you, whether that’s the “sensitive one” or “the wuss.”

If you’re a parent of siblings, pay close attention to not just your behaviours but theirs. Step in if necessary.

Psychology Today

How to Stop Enabling, Abusive, Narcissistic, Entitled Adult Children

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

(This person says it how it is, it may be ‘tough talking’ here, but they are right!)

(Image- Psychmechanics)

I thought I’d share this. Many of us deal with these types of not-quite-right adult children.

Narcissistic adult children demand you do what they want, try to control you, push every boundary, throw temper tantrums, blackmail you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, try to bribe you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blame their behaviour on you.

Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else. They say your job is to make them happy. They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.

What a nasty and unending list. If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt. You don’t deserve to be used and abused. You don’t owe them anything anymore. Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.

Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more. They think they’re entitled to whatever they want. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious. They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault. Their justifications will last forever.

I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children. There’s no hope down that path. Stop meddling and enabling them. These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.

The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact. Don’t debate or argue about who’s right. Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves. Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your future because, really, you are taking your life back. Now you can enjoy the rest of your life. You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.

Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications. But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry. Your life will shrivel up like a prune.

If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now. With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in. And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums. And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want. And nothing is for free.

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

By Ben at Bullies Be Gone

Suicidal Feelings

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, SuicideLeave a comment

(Image – Unsplash)

Why do I feel suicidal?

Suicidal feelings can affect anyone, of any age, gender or background, at any time.

If you are feeling suicidal it is likely that you have felt increasingly hopeless and worthless for some time. You may not know what has caused you to feel this way but it is often a combination of factors.

Common causes of suicidal feelings

Struggling to cope with certain difficulties in your life can cause you to feel suicidal. These difficulties may include:

If you are unsure of why you feel suicidal, you may find it even harder to believe that there could be a solution. But whatever the reason, there is support available to help you cope and overcome these feelings.

Can medication cause suicidal feelings?

Some medications, such as antidepressants, can cause some people to experience suicidal feelings. This side effect is often associated with a type of antidepressant called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). But all antidepressants have this as a possible risk.

Some research shows that young people under the age of 25 are more likely to experience suicidal feelings when taking these medications. 

Some antipsychotic medications and mood stabilisers also cause some people to experience suicidal feelings.

If you experience suicidal feelings while taking psychiatric medication, you should talk to your GP as soon as possible about this.

Feeling suicidal

Suicide is the act of intentionally taking your own life.

Suicidal feelings can mean having abstract thoughts about ending your life or feeling that people would be better off without you. Or it can mean thinking about methods of suicide or making clear plans to take your own life.

If you are feeling suicidal, you might be scared or confused by these feelings. You may find the feelings overwhelming. 

But you are not alone. Many people think about suicide at some point in their lifetime.

What does it feel like to be suicidal?

Different people have different experiences of suicidal feelings. You might feel unable to cope with the difficult feelings you are experiencing. You may feel less like you want to die and more like you cannot go on living the life you have.

These feelings may build over time or might change from moment to moment. And it’s common to not understand why you feel this way.

How you might think or feel

  • hopeless, like there is no point in living
  • tearful and overwhelmed by negative thoughts
  • unbearable pain that you can’t imagine ending
  • useless, not wanted or not needed by others
  • desperate, as if you have no other choice
  • like everyone would be better off without you
  • cut off from your body or physically numb
  • fascinated by death. 

What you may experience

  • poor sleep, including waking up earlier than you want to
  • a change in appetite, weight gain or loss
  • no desire to take care of yourself, for example neglecting your physical appearance
  • wanting to avoid others
  • making a will or giving away possessions
  • struggling to communicate
  • self-loathing and low self-esteem
  • urges to self-harm.

How long will I feel suicidal?

How long suicidal feelings last is different for everyone. It is common to feel as if you’ll never be happy or hopeful again.

But with treatment and support, including self-care, the majority of people who have felt suicidal go on to live fulfilling lives.

The earlier you let someone know how you’re feeling, the quicker you’ll be able to get support to overcome these feelings. But it can feel difficult to open up to people.

You may want others to understand what you’re going through, but you might feel:

  • unable to tell someone
  • unsure of who to tell
  • concerned that they won’t understand
  • fearful of being judged
  • worried you’ll upset them.

If you feel like this, you might find it helpful to show our pages on supporting someone else with suicidal feelings to someone you trust. This can be a good way of starting the conversation and can give them suggestions of how they can help you.

It’s important to remember that you deserve support, you are not alone and there is support out there.

Mind.org

Family Rifts Triggered by Christmas

On By LaetitiaIn Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Why Festive Gatherings can be so Toxic by David Robson

Christmas is a time of love, warmth – and often, huge family arguments. Here’s how to decode the primal forces that can cause painful rows, and enjoy a more peaceful season.

“A happy family,” so the saying goes, “is but an earlier heaven” – which must surely make an unhappy family a living hell.

As we enter the holiday season, many of us will be steeling ourselves for potential tension and argument. Whether it’s quiet disapproval over the quality of the cooking, a simmering resentment over alleged favouritism, or a fierce argument about our political and social values, family gatherings often bring out the worst in us. That’s if we choose to see our families at all – for many, there is no choice but to spend the holidays apart.

While family strife may be a source of entertainment in dramas like Succession, the real-life consequences are no joke.

“A really common consequence of estrangement is feeling isolated,” in addition to feelings of shame and being judged, says Lucy Blake, a developmental psychologist at the University of the West of England and author of the forthcoming book No Family Is Perfect: A Guide to Embracing the Messy Reality.

There is no easy cure to heal fractured relationships. But a better understanding of our family dynamics can help prepare us for the inevitable flashpoints and reveal ways to cope with the stress.

People are often reluctant to talk about unhappy gatherings and family estrangement – which can make those of us who experience it feel like we are somehow unusual. We may even assume that there is something wrong with us to have such poor relations. Social media networks can contribute to our sense of isolation, says Blake. “We often see a ‘performance’ of family, which can then make you feel more and more alone.” Few people are going to post a picture of a bust-up – you’re much more likely to see the gurning faces before a meal than the tears after a row.

Data from anonymous surveys suggests that fractious family relationships are astonishingly common, however. Blake points to one study, from the US, that questioned 633 middle-aged adults about their relationships with their own parents and their own children. In almost a third of the relationships studied, there was little ongoing contact, though most of these people felt some emotional ties – reporting both good and bad feelings about their kin. Of those who were more regularly in touch, many considered their relationships “conflicted” or “ambivalent”. Only 28% of the parent-child ties were engaged and harmonious.

Another paper, published earlier this year, examined data from a huge longitudinal study in Germany to try to identify the prevalence of estrangement. The researchers considered a parent and child to be estranged if they either had no contact, or if they had less-than-monthly contact combined with low emotional closeness. According to these criteria, around 20% of people experienced estrangement from their fathers, and 9% experienced estrangement from their mothers.

Not all clashes lead to such deep rifts, but even mild family rows can be very wounding – and tend to share some common causes.

A shared history

While any relationship has the potential for tension, family arguments often arise from clashing interpretations of the past, which even the slightest off-hand comment can then bring to the fore. And unlike friendships outside the clan, the emotional stakes are extraordinarily high.

“In families, there’s an almost primal sense that my most important loyalties are being challenged – that my love is being challenged,” says Terri Apter, a psychologist based in the UK and the author of numerous books about strained familial relationships, including Difficult Mothers and The Sister Knot. “There’s always the threat of a loss of status in the family, and a loss of connection.”

Even mild family rows can cause damage to relationships – and sometimes the effects can be longlasting (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/Getty Images)

The triggers of those frustrations, and the ways they are expressed, will of course depend on your relative positions within the family tree. A parent may still believe that they have the authority to give guidance to an adult child – whether it’s about their appearance, career decisions, or romantic relationships. Their well-meaning comments may, however, remind their child of constant unfair criticisms from their adolescence. Among siblings, meanwhile, there may have been rivalries for who gets the most attention from the parents, or who feels most dominant. A grating comment from a big brother may give you the impression that he still thinks he knows everything, or your little sister’s bad mood may be a sign that she is “acting up” to be in the spotlight.

If you were only experiencing these events in isolation, you might see them quite differently. Your brother’s advice – in itself – may be a little irritating, but you could see that it was well-intentioned. Perhaps you might believe that your sister’s tantrum is a one-off and a sign of a bad day. With your family history, however, the slightest reminder of a previous resentment may lead you to feel like you are stuck in an unrelenting Groundhog Day, where past crimes are repeating in an endless loop.

“It doesn’t take a lot, in the present, to reawaken patterns that felt uncomfortable in the past,” says Apter. “And the fact that you don’t particularly like your own responses to the behaviour can compound the discomfort and tension.”

Clashing family cultures

Interacting with in-laws presents its own set of challenges, Apter says – since one family’s rules of behaviour can seem alien to another. Certain actions – such as who volunteers to do the dishes, or how you address the different relatives – can be taken for granted, and what passes as a friendly joke in one household may seem like an insult in another.

In some ways, stepping into another family is like learning to live in a new country; it’s going to take time to translate their behaviours and ways of expressing themselves into a language you can understand. As a result, simple gestures can be lost in translation, leading to conflicts that may escalate over time.

If the inevitable friction leads you or the in-laws to take offence, and your partner doesn’t take your side, it only adds to the hurt. It may be that, having lived the family script for so long, your partner simply cannot see your point of view, or that – because of the accepted roles within the family – they feel unable to intervene, but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear. You may feel completely abandoned in this unfamiliar territory. “Betrayal is often not too harsh a word, in these circumstances,” says Apter.

Apter emphasises that many disagreements are often unspoken. “Sometimes you feel silenced. And that leads to a sense of great discomfort and discontent – that you can’t be yourself or be spontaneous.”

Great expectations?

It may take a miracle to resolve all your family tensions this Christmas, but Apter suggests some steps to ease relations.

One positive move could be to avoid alcohol. “People sometimes drink a lot in the hope that that will make them better able to tolerate the tensions,” says Apter. “But it often makes them less able to moderate their irritation and to put it in context.”

You might also try to shift your expectations of the event. In many cases, our fear of tension, and our desire for the “perfect” day, can itself heighten our stress levels, which then makes arguments more likely.

“You have what psychologists would call high arousal, in which you’re hyper vigilant for certain dangers,” Apter explains. “And so the pressure for it to be a ‘good’ event can contribute to it being a very bad event.”

For this reason, it may be healthier to accept that some disagreement is inevitable, but that it needn’t “ruin” the event. “If you can get to that point where you can mend an argument easily, then that’s very helpful,” says Apter.

As part of this more accepting attitude, you could try to be more compassionate to yourself when you do feel irritated or upset, and make sure that you give yourself the necessary space for self-care. “You might recognise that you’ve got to have private time, maybe in another area in the house or outside the home, where you can breathe, and get back your sense of self,” says Apter.

Learning to adopt that mindset may be especially important this year, as many families around the world are reuniting after more than a year of pandemic-induced lockdowns and forced separation. “Expectations may be even higher because we missed Christmas last year, and there may be a little loss of memory for how uncomfortable it can be,” Apter says.

Ultimately, there is no perfect family, and there will be no perfect Christmas – or Diwali, Chanukah, Chinese New Year, or any other festive get-together. But a recognition of our own and each other’s flaws, and the potential for discord, may – ironically – help us all to have a more relaxed celebration.

BBC.com