Category: Relationship Matters

Shadow Work

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

An excellent article by Coventum

Shadow work is not just a practice of psychology. And definitely not about fixing what’s broken. It’s about discovering what’s been buried—your emotions, wounds, truths, and power.

Rooted in Jungian psychology and practiced for centuries through shamanic, spiritual, and mystical traditions, shadow work is the practice of meeting your unconscious self with honesty and compassion. It’s the journey of bringing light to what has long been kept in the dark.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung

What Is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is the practice of uncovering and integrating the unconscious parts of yourself—your fears, desires, shame, and hidden strengths. These “shadow parts” are often formed in childhood and buried by the ego to protect your identity. However, they don’t disappear. They project themselves onto others, influence your reactions, and can create patterns that keep you stuck.

To do shadow work is to observe your triggers, trace them to their roots, and reclaim what you’ve disowned. This practice is both psychological and spiritual—a return to wholeness.

Yes, you can do shadow work by yourself, and no, it’s not just for therapists or spiritual gurus. It’s for anyone ready to know themselves, fully.

Next, we’ll explore beginner-friendly methods for accepting your shadow side.

1. Observe Your Triggers

Anything that causes an intense emotional reaction—anger, shame, jealousy, discomfort—could be a window into your shadow. Pay close attention to the situations, people, or themes that spark a disproportionate emotional response.

“If you hate a person, you hate something in them that is part of yourself.” — Hermann Hesse

For example, if the sex scenes in the movies and TV shows you watch embarrass or anger you, this may indicate repressed sexuality, or if the scenes of violence and war make you happy inside, this can be interpreted as suppressed anger/hatred.

“Usually we punish the things that remind us of the parts of ourselves that we disagree with and that we are most uncomfortable with, and we often see these parts of ourselves that we deny.” -Robert A Johnson

Use these moments as data points. Ask yourself: What exactly triggered me? What emotion came up? What memory does this remind me of?

2. Take Note of Your Inner Conversations

Throughout your life, you have exhibited some behaviors, said words that you cannot understand, and then wondered why you acted or spoke this way. An archetype/sub-personality/fragment within you has taken all control.

With these parts; We can communicate through internal dialogue and/or active imagination, or simply by writing on paper or computer. In this way, we integrate these parts of us into our conscious mind.

Writing is one of the simplest shadow works exercises. You don’t need to be a writer—just be honest. Here are some powerful shadow work journal prompts to start with:

  • What emotions am I most uncomfortable feeling, and why?
  • What qualities in others do I secretly admire or resent?
  • When do I feel fake or performative?
  • What am I afraid people might find out about me?
  • Who triggers me the most—and what do they reflect back to me?

Even five minutes a day can spark surprising clarity.

3. Practice Inner Dialogue

Another beginner-friendly approach is to have a silent (or written) dialogue with a part of you that feels hidden or disruptive. This is a key practice in Jungian shadow work and can be done through meditation or imagination.

Sit in a quiet space. Close your eyes. Ask: Who wants to speak? What do you need me to hear? Then listen—without judgment.

Sometimes the part that speaks is younger, angry, fearful, or wild. All parts have something to teach.

Remember, filling our conscious mind with perfect/ideal thoughts is characteristic of most Western philosophies/theologies, and these philosophies generally do not face the shadows and dark side of the world. A person cannot become enlightened simply by imagining the light, but rather by making the darkness conscious.

4. Accept, Don’t Fix

A crucial shift: shadow work is not about fixing your shadow self—it’s about reintegrating it. The goal is not perfection or constant positivity. The goal is wholeness, honesty, and reclaiming power.

5. Creativity as Expression

Art, dance, poetry, music, and movement are excellent ways to engage with your unconscious mind. Don’t censor yourself. Let your emotions guide your creations.

Creative practices bring your shadow into form and make it easier to observe and integrate. This is also where our Pentacle Necklace comes in—a symbol of harmony between the five elements, including your inner chaos.

6. Use the World as a Mirror

What annoys you about others? What behaviours do you judge harshly? These projections are often mirrors of your disowned qualities.

Not all triggers are projections—but many are. Learning to discern which shadows are yours, which are others’, and which are shared is part of the work.

Try asking:

  • Is this reaction about me or them?
  • What part of me feels threatened?
  • What would I never allow myself to be—and why?

This is powerful reflection work. And with time, it leads to radical self-awareness.

It is also a possibility that two people may reflect similar qualities. Or, qualities that complement each other may be mirrored mutually. For example, one person tends to be overly self-sacrificing and another tends to control others. From the collision of these two, one may be the controlled and the other the controlling, where opposite but complementary qualities may be mutually projected onto each other. Examples can be multiplied. A person may be projecting jealousy, anger, greed, and all the qualities we can think of to the other side and the world.

7. Shadow Work Therapy (Optional But Powerful)

You don’t have to do shadow work alone. In fact, many people benefit from working with Jungian therapists or trauma-informed coaches.

Professional guidance can help you move through blockages faster and more safely—especially if you’re dealing with trauma, grief, or anxiety.

8. Work With Archetypes & Mythic Energy

Symbols like Lilith, Nyx, and the Crow aren’t just myth—they’re psychological mirrors. Working with dark feminine archetypes can be deeply supportive in shadow work.

References:

For more information visit Coventum

The Difficulty of Grieving A Complicated Relationship

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

By Sam Carr

There is a scene in the pilot episode of HBO’s American black comedy-drama series Succession where Kendall Roy locks himself in the bathroom, no longer able to hold in his rage and resentment towards his father. Billionaire media mogul, Logan Roy, is portrayed as a narcissistic, emotionally abusive, power-hungry father who has inflicted a lifetime of neglect and abuse on his children.

After his mini-breakdown, Kendall composes himself, returns to the dining room, and puts on a brave face with the rest of the family to celebrate his father’s birthday. There is an uncomfortable sense that family life is an artificial performance. Not too far from the surface are the pain, resentment and anger of decades of dysfunctional family life.

Trauma specialist, Caroline Spring, wrote that the “happy family” is a myth for many, a performed cultural ideal that masks a myriad of unpalatable truths. This can also be true in death, as people negotiate the loss of family members they blatantly disliked during life, or who caused them nothing but suffering and pain.

It’s difficult to say how many funerals are characterised by singing the praises of people many of those present either openly or secretly resented or cannot forgive.

It’s not necessarily that the deceased wasn’t loved or that their loss doesn’t still sting. Grieving dysfunctional, toxic or hurtful relationships creates a different level of complexity.

In Succession, when the tyrannical Logan Roy finally dies his children’s sadness is palpable. However, family therapists have argued that such grief can be complicated by the fact that the bereaved are often mourning a relationship they wish they’d had with the deceased or are angry and remorseful about the fact that things were never repaired.

There is also the possibility for internal conflict when cultural or familial pressure to celebrate the deceased collides with an internal need to acknowledge the fact that they were mean, abusive, and neglectful.

Artificial forgiveness

Bereavement psychologists suggest that forgiving the deceased is important to preserving mental health. After all, as Nelson Mandela suggested, resentment “is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

In simple terms, psychologist Robert Enright defined forgiveness as rooting out negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours towards someone, and finding a way to develop positive thoughts, feelings and behaviours about them too. He suggested such forgiveness is highly relevant in cases where the offending party is dead.

In his book, Dying Matters, palliative care physician, Ira Byock, argued that suffering can be eased through deathbed rituals designed to foster forgiveness. As part of a “good death”, he encourages people to engage in five steps, where they say:

Forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. And Goodbye.

The idea being that such forgiveness rituals help “wipe the slate clean”.

However, it has been argued that this sort of forgiveness is artificial.

Grief psychologist, Lorraine Hedtke, believes such practices pressure people into what she calls an “artificial ending”. Sometimes people end up silencing suffering or minimising and denying pain in service to a cultural pressure to accelerate forgiveness. She also questions whether forgiveness is really something we can conjure up in “once and forever” rituals.

Death is not the end

Of course, death is not the end of our psychological relationship with the deceased. Hedtke offers the example of an abusive, angry, tyrannical father, much like Succession’s Logan Roy, whose six sons had few kind words to say about him on his death.

Neither the man’s death, nor his funeral, she wrote, were the time or place any of his children felt able to make false declarations of forgiveness. At the funeral they had few kind words or fond memories and could not recall appreciative connections with their father. Only in the years that followed did they begin to construct a more forgiving version of him.

Eventually the brothers were able to retain their original reality – that he was indeed a mean and vindictive father – and also begin to appreciate and understand him in a different light too. This was sparked by a random conversation about a long-forgotten fishing trip, prompting them to remember a positive quality that had previously gone unnoticed.

Even after death, Hedtke argues, relationships change and evolve. In some cases, perhaps this sort of change is only possible after someone’s death.

Studies have also suggested that people’s capacity to forgive the dead may be connected to psychological factors like attachment. Psychologists Elizabeth Gassin and Gregory Lengel found that people with high attachment avoidance were less likely to reach forgiveness for someone they were close to who had died. This makes sense because attachment avoidance is a tendency to repress or shut away our feelings for the other. It is difficult to forgive someone if we are unable to acknowledge or face our feelings about them.

So with all this in mind, it might be hard for the Roy children to forgive Logan straight away. Theirs was a fraught and complicated relationship. Their journey to forgiveness and through grief might take time but that is normal.

The Conversation

Mannerisms of A Person who Survived Narcissistic Abuse

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Ashley Cropper

Image – Your Life Lifter

Finally getting out of a relationship with a narcissist doesn’t mean you just walk away and everything resets — if only.

The way you moved, spoke, and reacted around them wasn’t random; it was survival. And even when they’re no longer in your life, some of those habits stick around for a long time to come. These mannerisms aren’t flaws, just reminders of what you had to do to get through it. If any of these feel familiar, know that you’re not alone. Keep working through your experience and finding ways to process them so that you can truly move forward without the baggage of their abuse.

1. They say sorry way too much.

Apologising becomes second nature after constantly being made to feel like everything was their fault. Even when they haven’t done anything wrong, “sorry” just slips out, like a reflex. It’s easier to apologise first than to risk upsetting someone, even if there’s no reason to think they’re actually mad. It can be for little things, like taking up space in a room or accidentally bumping into someone. The need to smooth things over before there’s even a problem is just something they learned along the way. Over time, they start realising they don’t need to apologise for simply existing.

2. They hesitate before saying what they really think.

When every opinion was once picked apart or twisted against them, speaking up starts to feel risky. They might pause before answering simple questions, trying to figure out the “right” thing to say. Even harmless opinions like what they want for dinner can make them feel like they’re putting themselves in the line of fire. It’s not that they don’t have thoughts or preferences. It’s just that, for a long time, sharing them came with consequences. Eventually, they start realising that safe people won’t punish them for having a voice.

3. They over-explain everything.

When someone’s spent years being gaslit, they get used to having to “prove” their reality. They might give way more detail than necessary when telling a story, just to make sure they won’t be misunderstood. Even when no one is doubting them, they feel the need to justify every little thing. It’s the same with making decisions, explaining why they chose something before anyone even questions them. They’re just used to having to defend themselves, even when there’s no fight to be had. Eventually, they learn that they don’t owe anyone a 10-minute breakdown of why they picked one option over another.

4. They struggle to make decisions on their own.

When every choice was once criticised, even small decisions can feel overwhelming. They might freeze up over what movie to watch or what restaurant to pick, worrying they’ll “get it wrong.” The fear of making a mistake, even when it doesn’t matter, sticks around for a while. It’s not because they don’t care or are trying to be difficult. It’s just that they got used to someone making them second-guess every move. Learning to trust their own choices again takes time, but it happens.

5. They downplay their own feelings.

After years of being told they were “too sensitive” or “overreacting,” they start believing it. They might brush off things that actually hurt, convincing themselves it wasn’t that bad. Even when something really bothers them, their first instinct is to push it aside. They might say things like, “I don’t want to be dramatic, but…” or “It’s not a big deal.” It’s just what happens when someone’s been made to feel like their emotions are an inconvenience. Eventually, they start unlearning that and realising their feelings are valid.

6. They get tense when someone’s mood suddenly changes.

People who’ve been around narcissists know how quickly things can flip. One second everything’s fine, the next, there’s tension in the air, and they have no idea why. So they get really good at noticing tiny shifts in body language, tone, or energy. It’s like an automatic response — they pick up on the smallest signs of frustration and start preparing for what’s coming. Even when no one’s actually upset, their brain still sends out a warning. Over time, they realise that not every sigh or pause means danger, but that instinct doesn’t fade overnight.

7. They can’t accept compliments to save their lives.

When someone’s been picked apart for long enough, nice words can feel… weird. Compliments don’t quite register, or they feel the need to downplay them. “Oh, this outfit? I just threw it on,” or “I got lucky, that’s all.” It’s easier to brush off praise than accept it. It’s not that they don’t appreciate it; they just don’t know how to believe it. Being treated with kindness feels foreign after being criticised for so long. Eventually, they start letting the good words sink in instead of automatically deflecting them.

8. They’re super tuned in to other people’s emotions.

Living with a narcissist means always being on high alert for their mood swings. Over time, survivors develop a hypersensitivity to other people’s emotions. They can walk into a room and immediately sense if something feels “off.” It’s not just empathy — it’s survival. They learned to read the energy of a situation to avoid conflict. But constantly scanning for signs of trouble is exhausting, and they eventually start realising they don’t have to do that with safe people.

9. They pause before answering simple questions.

Even casual conversations can feel like a test. When you’ve been with someone who twisted your words, you learn to tread carefully. Even answering “How was your day?” might come with a pause while they run through all the possible ways their response could be taken. They’re not hiding anything; they’re just used to walking on eggshells. Eventually, they get to a place where they don’t feel the need to filter themselves so much. But at first, even harmless questions can feel loaded.

10. They hate asking for help.

When someone’s been made to feel like a burden, asking for help feels impossible. They might convince themselves they should be able to handle everything alone. Even when they’re struggling, the idea of leaning on someone feels unnatural. It’s not that they don’t need support; they just don’t want to be an inconvenience. Over time, they start learning that healthy relationships involve give and take. But breaking the habit of doing everything solo takes time.

11. They get nervous when things are going too well.

For survivors, peace can feel unfamiliar. When they’re in a stable, loving relationship or things in life are actually going smoothly, a little voice in their head whispers, “This won’t last.” They’re used to good moments being followed by chaos. Even when they want to relax and enjoy things, part of them stays on guard. They seem like they don’t trust happiness because they were trained to expect the rug to be pulled out from under them. Eventually, they realise that real, healthy love doesn’t come with hidden conditions.

12. They sometimes don’t trust their own judgement.

When someone’s spent years being told they’re wrong, they start believing it. Even after leaving, they struggle to trust their instincts. “Am I overreacting?” “Am I the problem?” “What if I’m being unfair?” Making choices without second-guessing themselves feels foreign. But the more they rebuild their confidence, the more they start recognising that they were never the issue. Learning to trust themselves again is part of the healing process.

13. They feel guilty for setting boundaries.

For so long, saying “no” or putting themselves first meant backlash. Narcissists don’t respect boundaries, so survivors learned that standing up for themselves just made things worse. Even after leaving, setting limits can make them feel selfish or anxious. They might feel like they need to over-explain why they can’t do something or worry that people will be upset with them. But after a while, they start realising that boundaries aren’t mean, they’re necessary — and the right people will respect them.

14. They’re still figuring out what safe love looks like

After being conditioned to accept toxic love, healthy relationships can feel confusing. They might not trust kindness at first or feel uneasy when there’s no drama. It takes time to rewire their brain to see love as something safe, not something they have to earn. But little by little, they start recognising what real love feels like. And when they do, they realise they never have to settle for anything less again.

The Sense Hub

Valentines Day and Mental Health

On By LaetitiaIn Divorce, Family Concerns, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, SuicideLeave a comment

by Diane Young

If the festive romance and scent of mass-produced flowers on February 14th leave you feeling more blue than rosy, you’re not alone. Here’s why, according to an expert. 

Valentine’s Day, with its hearts, roses, and romantic gestures, is often hailed as a celebration of love and affection. 

However, for many of us, the pressures and expectations associated with this day can contribute to stress, anxiety, frustration, disappointment and feelings of loneliness and even despair. 

Valentine’s Day can be a day of pain, sadness and hurt as we watch couples display affection, treat each other and exchange gifts. 

It can trigger us, impact our self-worth, make us feel more alone or like there is something wrong with us. This is especially common for those of us who have an addiction to being in love with being in love or avoidance in our intimate relationships and friendships.

The pressure of perfection

One of the primary reasons Valentine’s Day can be detrimental to our mental health is the societal pressure to create a perfect romantic experience. From elaborate dates to expensive gifts, the day is often portrayed as a benchmark for measuring the depth of one’s love. 

The fear of falling short of these high expectations can lead to stress and anxiety, as individuals strive to meet an unrealistic standard set by society. Seeing social media posts of gigantic bunches of flowers, romantic picnics, expensive dinner dates and seemingly flawless relationships on platforms like Instagram and Facebook can trigger feelings of inadequacy and comparison. 

This digital comparison game can exacerbate anxiety and self-doubt, leading individuals to question the validity of their own relationships or their worth if they are not part of a romantic celebration. It can also lead to disappointment and frustration, creating tension within normally healthy relationships and negatively affecting mental health.

Loneliness can be amplified

While Valentine’s Day is marketed as a day for couples and secret lovers, it can be an isolating experience for those who are single, recently separated or divorced, or those grieving the loss of a loved one. The emphasis on romantic relationships during this time can intensify feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. 

Single individuals may find themselves questioning their worth or feeling left out, which can contribute to a sense of alienation that can negatively impact their mental health. Loneliness, in and of itself, is an emotion we all feel. The gift of loneliness is that we learn to reach out to others, to not suffer in silence and to not ignore it. 

The toxic level of loneliness is despair and isolation and it is in this space that we begin to turn it onto ourselves with a lot of negative self-talk such as ‘I’m not enough’; ‘I don’t deserve this’; ‘I’m unimportant’ and ‘I don’t matter’. It is imperative at this point that we share how we are feeling with a close confidant or a therapist to help us navigate this painful place we find ourselves in. 

Love addiction and love avoidance 

When speaking of love addiction, it is often helpful to think of this as being the pursuer in a relationship. Love Addiction or the Pursuer can be described as people who seem to choose people to love who cannot or will not “love them back”. This is a very painful and compulsive behaviour that affects the love addict as well as their partners and children.

These patterns are rooted in our dysfunctional childhood experiences and result in us, as adults being attracted to people who reinforce:

  • our low self-esteem
  • our needless and wantless view of life – we rarely functionally ask for our needs or wants to be fulfilled, generally because we don’t know what they are
  • our perfectionism – we try to be as ‘they’ want us to be

People experiencing patterns of love addiction or avoidance can often find themselves drawn to those displaying the opposite pattern, leading to complex, toxic or dysfunctional relationships of co-dependency.

A love addict is someone dependent on, enmeshed with, and compulsively focused on taking care of another person. You may experience:

  • Low self-esteem and self-worth
  • A fear of abandonment or being alone – this is terrifying for a love addict
  • Difficulty with internal and external boundaries
  • Confusing love with neediness
  • Patterns of staying in, and returning to painful or unhealthy relationships 
  • Emotional or sexual manipulation and dependency
  • Romantic or sexual intrigue, obsession, and fantasies
  • Assigning somewhat magical qualities to others in hopes of them fulfilling our fantasies

Love Avoidance can lead to you avoiding intimacy out of fear of being drained, engulfed or controlled. Many love avoidants were enmeshed or parentified as children and consequently, all intimate relationships can potentially be smothering. You might put up walls to prevent you from feeling overwhelmed, trapped or suffocated by a relationship. Many people who are love-avoidant, recognise characteristics of Love Addiction in their partner, or past partners. You might also:

  • Feel compelled to care for needy or troubled people, seeing yourself as a ‘wonder woman’ or a ‘white knight’
  • Avoid being emotionally vulnerable or fully honest in relationships
  • Be overly critical of your partner, viewing them as weak or resenting them for being needy
  • Communicate in either passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive ways
  • Return to relationships out of guilt or fear of abandonment, or try to find a replacement for relationships once they end

It’s completely normal to experience a flurry of emotions on Valentine’s Day. Finding authentic ways to express and receive love, free from societal expectations, can lead to more fulfilling and healthy relationships. If you are single or struggling with a romantic relationship, take some time for self-care and seek support if needed.

Body and Soul

The Positive Side of Family Estrangement at Christmas

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

and creating a family ‘of choice’.

Is There A Positive Side to Family Estrangement?

The answer to the above question is a resounding yes. Although, as Annie Wright observes in her article, “Brittle, Broken, Bent: Coping with Family Estrangement,” many consider even approaching the idea that family estrangement can feel good to be against all they believe.

The fact is that family estrangement can mean peace of mind that the survivor hasn’t known their entire life as they become released from the fear and drama that their family of origin has wrought upon them.

There is no doubt that family estrangement is painful, and one needs to grieve, but after a time, it becomes clear that staying away from family means freedom, independence, and safety.

It is far safer for many survivors to remain away from their family of origins because they have been guilted, invalidated, gaslighted, verbally abused, and sometimes risk their physical health being in their presence.

The Best Way to Cope, Finding a Family of Choice

Coping with family estrangement, especially during the holidays, is tough for survivors to face alone. This is why it is vital to find and form a family of choice (FOC). A family of choice offers welcome support to help from people who have your wellbeing at heart.

To be clear, a family of choice need not be a literal family as society sees it. Instead, a FOC can is a group of friends or work acquaintances, anyone who wishes to support you or needs support themselves.

A family of choice doesn’t need to be large; in fact, there are no limitations to the size of a new family. The only requirement is that you gather together as a group of people who have each other’s love and share each other’s burdens. Not only this but at Christmas time, a family of choice will also share the joy the season brings.

Forming a Family of Choice

A family of choice is a group of people who will empower you to build your self-esteem and with whom you can celebrate your life. But how do you create a family of choice? While choosing a different family to spend your time with other than your original may seem overwhelming, doing so can bring the peace of mind and joy you’ve missed all your life.

The easiest way to begin is to look at those around you. Sit down and think about the people in your life who mean the most to you, including friends, acquaintances, work relationships, and associates at your place of worship.

Once you’ve identified who you might include in your family of choice, begin to share your life with them and to show how much you care for them. You might ask the people you have identified to be your family of choice offering your support and love in return.

Be cautious not to overwhelm people or to choose people that echo the terrible behaviors of your family of origin. It would be too easy to fall prey to folks who do not deserve to be your family of choice if you are not careful because survivors, like all humans, tend to go with what they know.

The Advantages of Having a Family of Choice

No matter what, the advantages of having a family of choice when your family of origin is toxic are enormous. Having someone to stand beside you through thick and thin, when you feel lost, or when you are enjoying an accomplishment is incalculable in its value.

There are at least six advantages to having a family of choice, including those listed below.

  • A family of choice will make their relationships with you a high priority and not let you down. They will not make you feel guilty, show you dispassion, or ignore your needs.
  • A family of choice will spend time with you talking about issues both big and small, plus engaging with you so that you feel you have a voice.
  • A family of choice will deliberately seek opportunities to spend time with you. These activities may include shopping and taking a meal together.
  • A family of choice will promote spiritual and emotional wellness. They will believe in you sharing their faith and offer healing actions that show they care. This promotes improved mental health and a chance for spiritual fulfillment as well.
  • A family of choice will appreciate you and show you so whenever you come together with them. They will show you through behaviors, words, and gestures that prove you are worthwhile and that they love being with you.
  • A family of choice is capable of facing times of crisis and stress together coping with difficulties as they happen.

Finding the Positive Side of Family Estrangement by Forming a Family of Choice

Family estrangement is an incredibly painful event to experience alone. By forming a family of choice, you can open your heart and allow someone else to help you conquer the loneliness and disappointment.

Forming a family of choice means allowing others into your life and celebrating their lives with them. It means not being alone during the crisis of family estrangement and trusting someone else to be there for you.

These concepts are challenging for those of us who are survivors and have had horrific experiences with our families of origin. However, to not reach out and form relationships with others, we risk allowing our souls to suffer unimaginable harm that need not happen.

I encourage you to reach out to others around you and share your life with them. Allow them to love you and show you unconditional positive regard and show them your affection freely. After all, a family is a supportive group of people who will lift you up when you are down and celebrate your accomplishments, not necessarily those whose home into which you were born.

We sincerely hope you will include the CPTSD Foundation into your family of choice

“The family is the test of freedom; because the family is the only thing that the free man makes for himself and by himself.” ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

CPTSD Foundation

The Power of Charismatic Leadership

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

By Social Psychology

Image – Marketing Certificate

From the mesmerizing allure of charismatic leaders to the dark depths of psychological manipulation, the cult of personality phenomenon has left an indelible mark on history and continues to shape our modern world. It’s a captivating dance of power, influence, and human psychology that has fascinated scholars and laypeople alike for generations. But what exactly drives this phenomenon, and why do some individuals seem to possess an almost supernatural ability to captivate the masses?

Let’s dive into the intriguing world of cult of personality psychology, where the lines between admiration and obsession blur, and the human mind becomes a playground for those who know how to pull the right strings.

Unravelling the Cult of Personality: A Psychological Tapestry

At its core, a cult of personality is a form of intense adoration and devotion directed towards a single individual, often a political or religious leader. It’s not just about liking someone; it’s about elevating them to an almost godlike status. Think of it as fandom on steroids, with a dash of blind faith thrown in for good measure.

This phenomenon isn’t new. Throughout history, charismatic figures have emerged, capturing the hearts and minds of the masses. From ancient pharaohs to modern-day politicians, the ability to cultivate a cult of personality has been a powerful tool for those seeking to consolidate power and influence.

But why does this matter in our modern, supposedly enlightened society? Well, my friend, the cult of personality is alive and kicking, and it’s not just limited to totalitarian regimes or fringe religious groups. In fact, you might be part of one without even realizing it. From tech moguls to social media influencers, the psychology behind cult of personality continues to shape our world in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

The Secret Sauce: Charisma and Social Influence

At the heart of every cult of personality lies a crucial ingredient: charisma. It’s that je ne sais quoi that makes some people irresistibly magnetic. But what exactly is charisma, and how does it work its magic on our brains?

Charisma is like a psychological superpower. It’s the ability to connect with others on an emotional level, to inspire and motivate, and to make people feel seen and understood. Charismatic leaders often possess a unique combination of confidence, eloquence, and empathy that draws others to them like moths to a flame.

But charisma alone isn’t enough. The real power comes from understanding and leveraging psychological influence. These leaders are masters of persuasion, using a variety of techniques to sway opinions and shape beliefs. They tap into our deepest desires and fears, offering simple solutions to complex problems and promising a better future if we just follow their lead.

It’s like a magic trick, really. While we’re busy being dazzled by their charm and grand visions, these leaders are subtly reshaping our perceptions and beliefs. And here’s the kicker: we often don’t even realize it’s happening.

The Perfect Storm: Cognitive Biases and Group Dynamics

Now, you might be thinking, “I’m too smart to fall for that kind of manipulation.” But here’s the thing: our brains are wired in ways that make us surprisingly susceptible to cult of personality dynamics.

Enter cognitive biases, those pesky mental shortcuts that can lead us astray. Take confirmation bias, for instance. We tend to seek out information that confirms our existing beliefs and ignore evidence that contradicts them. So once we’ve bought into a leader’s narrative, we’re more likely to dismiss any negative information about them.

Then there’s the halo effect, where we attribute positive qualities to someone based on one favorable trait. If a leader is charismatic and confident, we might automatically assume they’re also intelligent, honest, and competent, even without evidence to support those assumptions.

But it’s not just about individual psychology. The psychology of the masses plays a crucial role too. Humans are social creatures, and we’re hardwired to seek belonging and acceptance. When we become part of a group that follows a charismatic leader, we experience a sense of community and purpose that can be incredibly powerful.

This is where things can get a bit dicey. As we become more invested in the group, our individual identity can start to blur with the collective identity. We might find ourselves adopting beliefs and behaviors that we wouldn’t normally agree with, all in the name of fitting in and maintaining our place in the group.

The Dark Side: Narcissism and Manipulation

Now, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: not all charismatic leaders have our best interests at heart. In fact, many individuals who cultivate cults of personality share some rather unsavory psychological traits.

Narcissism is often at the top of the list. These leaders tend to have an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. They’re like emotional vampires, feeding off the adoration of their followers while giving little in return.

But it doesn’t stop there. Many cult of personality leaders are skilled manipulators, using a variety of tactics to maintain control over their followers. They might employ love bombing, showering new members with affection and attention to create a sense of belonging. Or they might use gaslighting, making followers question their own perceptions and memories.

These leaders often create a compelling ideological narrative, offering a simple worldview that explains complex problems and promises utopian solutions. It’s like a soothing balm for our anxieties about the world, providing a sense of certainty in uncertain times.

And here’s where it gets really insidious: these leaders are experts at exploiting their followers’ vulnerabilities. They tap into our deepest fears and insecurities, positioning themselves as the only solution to our problems. It’s a psychological trap that can be incredibly difficult to escape once you’re caught in it.

The Follower’s Journey: From Devotion to Disillusionment

So what happens to the people who fall under the spell of a cult of personality? The psychological impact can be profound and long-lasting.

One of the most striking effects is identity fusion. Followers begin to see their own identity as inseparable from the leader or the group. It’s like their sense of self gets absorbed into this larger entity. This can lead to a loss of individuality and critical thinking skills.

Cognitive dissonance is another common experience. When faced with information that contradicts their beliefs about the leader, followers often experience mental discomfort. To resolve this, they might engage in elaborate mental gymnastics to rationalize away any negative information.

Emotional dependence is also a hallmark of cult of personality dynamics. Followers come to rely on the leader for their sense of self-worth and direction in life. This can create an intense loyalty that persists even in the face of clear evidence of wrongdoing.

But what happens when the bubble bursts? When followers become disillusioned with their leader, the psychological consequences can be severe. It’s like waking up from a dream, only to find that reality is far harsher than you remembered. Many ex-cult members describe feelings of shame, confusion, and a profound sense of loss.

From Stalin to Social Media: Cults of Personality in Action

Religious figures have also been known to cultivate powerful cults of personality. From charismatic televangelists to leaders of new religious movements, these individuals often inspire intense devotion from their followers. The psychology of cults shares many similarities with political cults of personality, highlighting the universal nature of these dynamics.

And let’s not forget about the brave new world of social media influencers. These digital-age celebrities have the power to shape opinions and behaviors on a massive scale. While not all influencers cultivate cults of personality, the potential for such dynamics in the online space is significant and worthy of attention.

Fighting Back: Safeguarding Against Cult of Personality Dynamics

So, how do we protect ourselves and our society from the potentially harmful effects of cults of personality? It’s not easy, but there are steps we can take.

First and foremost, critical thinking is our best defense. We need to cultivate the habit of questioning our beliefs and assumptions, especially when it comes to charismatic leaders. This doesn’t mean becoming cynical or distrustful of everyone, but rather developing a healthy skepticism and willingness to consider alternative viewpoints.

Media literacy is also crucial in our information-saturated world. Learning to evaluate sources, spot manipulation tactics, and understand the broader context of news and information can help us resist the allure of simplistic narratives peddled by cult of personality leaders.

On a societal level, we need to foster healthy leadership models that prioritize accountability, transparency, and genuine service to others. This means moving away from the “great man” theory of leadership and towards more collaborative, inclusive approaches.

For those already caught in the grip of a cult of personality, psychological interventions can be helpful. Counselling and support groups can provide a safe space for individuals to process their experiences and rebuild their sense of self.

Finally, we need robust societal safeguards against authoritarian tendencies. This includes strong democratic institutions, a free press, and an educated populace capable of holding leaders accountable.

The Road Ahead: Understanding for a Better Future

As we wrap up our journey through the fascinating world of cult of personality psychology, it’s clear that this phenomenon is far more than just an interesting quirk of human behavior. It’s a powerful force that has shaped history and continues to influence our world in profound ways.

Understanding the psychological mechanisms behind cults of personality is crucial for navigating our complex social and political landscape. By recognizing the signs of unhealthy leader-follower dynamics, we can better protect ourselves and others from manipulation and exploitation.

But let’s not forget that charisma and strong leadership aren’t inherently bad things. When combined with genuine empathy, integrity, and a commitment to the greater good, these qualities can inspire positive change and bring out the best in people.

As we move forward, there’s still much to learn about the psychology of cults of personality. How do these dynamics play out in different cultural contexts? What role will emerging technologies play in shaping future cults of personality? These are just a few of the questions that researchers will grapple with in the years to come.

In the end, understanding cult of personality psychology isn’t just an academic exercise. It’s a vital skill for anyone who wants to navigate our complex world with clarity and purpose. By sharpening our critical thinking skills and fostering healthy leadership models, we can work towards a future where the power of charisma is harnessed for the benefit of all, rather than the glorification of the few.

So the next time you find yourself captivated by a charismatic leader or swept up in a movement, take a moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself: Is this genuine inspiration, or am I being swept along by the currents of a cult of personality? Your answer might just make all the difference.

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The Psychology of Hero Worship

On By LaetitiaIn Cult Behaviour, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious CultsLeave a comment

Exploring the fascination with Idols and Icons by Social Psychology.

Image – My Weekly Preview

The Psychological Foundations of Hero Worship

At its core, hero worship is deeply rooted in how we form attachments and learn from others. Remember when you were a kid, and you wanted to be just like your mom or dad? That’s attachment theory in action, baby! As we grow, we start to look beyond our immediate family for role models, and that’s where heroes come in.

Attachment theory suggests that we’re hardwired to seek out strong, protective figures. It’s an evolutionary thing – back in the day, attaching yourself to the strongest member of the tribe meant better chances of survival. Today, we might not need someone to protect us from saber-toothed tigers, but we still look for figures who embody strength, success, and security.

But it’s not just about feeling safe. Social learning theory tells us that we learn by observing and imitating others. Heroes serve as powerful role models, showing us what’s possible and how to behave. When you see an activist standing up for what’s right or an entrepreneur building a successful business from scratch, it’s not just inspiring – it’s educational.

Here’s where it gets really interesting: hero worship can actually boost our self-esteem. By identifying with a hero, we can feel a sense of connection to their greatness. It’s like basking in reflected glory. When your sports team wins, don’t you feel like you’ve won too? That’s your brain playing a neat little trick on you, helping you feel good by association.

But our brains aren’t always playing fair. Cognitive biases can skew our perception of heroes, making them seem even more impressive than they really are. The halo effect, for instance, makes us attribute positive qualities to someone based on one outstanding trait. So if an actor is really good-looking, we might assume they’re also kind, intelligent, and talented – even if we don’t have any evidence for those other qualities.

Types of Hero Worship and Their Psychological Implications

Now, hero worship isn’t a one-size-fits-all deal. It comes in different flavors, each with its own psychological quirks. Let’s break it down:

Celebrity Worship Syndrome: This is the big kahuna of hero worship in modern times. It’s that feeling when you just can’t get enough of your favorite star, hanging on their every word and action. The Celebrity Obsession Psychology: Unraveling the Fascination with Fame explores this phenomenon in depth. At its mildest, it’s harmless fun. But taken to extremes, it can lead to an unhealthy obsession that impacts daily life.

 Political Figure Idolization: Ever seen someone defend their favorite politician with the fervor of a religious zealot? That’s political hero worship in action. It can lead to a sort of tribalism, where the idolized figure can do no wrong in the eyes of their followers. This type of hero worship can have significant implications for democracy and critical thinking.

 Sports Hero Adoration: From little league to the big leagues, sports stars often find themselves the object of intense admiration. This form of hero worship can be particularly powerful because it often starts in childhood and is reinforced by shared experiences and community bonding.

Religious Leader Veneration: This is perhaps the oldest form of hero worship, dating back to the earliest human societies. Religious leaders are often seen as conduits to the divine, imbuing them with an almost supernatural aura in the eyes of their followers.

Each of these types of hero worship taps into different psychological needs and can have varying impacts on individuals and society as a whole. The Cult of Personality Psychology: Exploring the Power of Charismatic Leadership delves deeper into how certain individuals can command such devoted followings.

The Positive Aspects of Hero Worship Psychology

Before we start wagging our fingers at hero worship, let’s give credit where it’s due. This psychological phenomenon isn’t all bad – in fact, it can be downright beneficial when approached in a balanced way.

First off, heroes can be incredibly inspiring. When we see someone overcome great odds or achieve something remarkable, it lights a fire in us. It makes us think, “If they can do it, maybe I can too!” This inspiration can be a powerful motivator, pushing us to reach for our own goals and dreams.

Take the story of Malala Yousafzai, for instance. This young Pakistani activist stood up for girls’ education in the face of terrifying opposition. Her courage has inspired countless people around the world to fight for education and equality. That’s the power of a hero – they can motivate us to be better versions of ourselves.

Heroes can also serve as catalysts for personal growth and self-improvement. When we admire someone’s qualities or achievements, we often try to emulate them. Maybe you start hitting the gym after being inspired by an athlete’s dedication, or you pick up a book on leadership after admiring a successful CEO. In this way, hero worship can be a stepping stone to self-improvement.

The Hero’s Journey Psychology: Exploring the Transformative Power of Mythic Narratives shows us how stories of heroic transformation can inspire our own personal growth journeys.

Another positive aspect of hero worship is its ability to build communities and foster shared values. Think about fan communities – whether it’s Trekkies bonding over their love for Captain Kirk or Harry Potter fans united by their admiration for Hermione Granger. These shared heroes create a sense of belonging and connection.

Lastly, heroes can provide us with resilience and coping mechanisms. In times of hardship, we can draw strength from the stories of our heroes who faced adversity and triumphed. It’s like having a mental toolkit of inspiration to dip into when the going gets tough.

The Dark Side of Hero Worship

Now, let’s flip the coin and look at the potential pitfalls of hero worship. Like that extra slice of pizza, too much of a good thing can lead to some uncomfortable consequences.

One of the biggest dangers of hero worship is the development of unrealistic expectations. When we put our heroes on pedestals, we often forget that they’re human too. They make mistakes, they have flaws, and they sometimes let us down. When reality doesn’t match up to our idealized version of a hero, it can lead to crushing disappointment.

Remember the shock and disillusionment when Lance Armstrong’s doping scandal came to light? Fans who had idolized him as the epitome of perseverance and athletic excellence were left reeling. It’s a stark reminder that our heroes are fallible, and placing too much faith in them can set us up for a hard fall.

Hero worship can also lead to a loss of critical thinking and autonomy. When we’re too enamored with a figure, we might start to accept everything they say or do without question. This can be particularly dangerous in the realms of politics or religion, where blind faith can lead to manipulation and the suppression of individual thought.

The Superhero Complex Psychology: Unraveling the Mind Behind the Cape explores how an overidentification with heroic ideals can sometimes lead to problematic behavior.

Speaking of manipulation, hero worship can create opportunities for exploitation. Unscrupulous individuals who find themselves the object of adoration might use their influence for personal gain or to push harmful agendas. History is littered with examples of charismatic leaders who exploited their followers’ devotion with disastrous consequences.

On a more personal level, intense hero worship can have a negative impact on self-worth and identity. When we’re constantly comparing ourselves to idealized figures, it’s easy to feel like we don’t measure up. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a distorted sense of self.

Hero Worship in the Digital Age

Now, let’s zoom in on hero worship in our hyper-connected, digital world. The internet and social media have fundamentally changed the way we interact with our heroes, bringing new dimensions to this age-old phenomenon.

Social media has made heroes more accessible than ever before. With a few taps on your smartphone, you can see what your favorite celebrity had for breakfast or get real-time updates from a political figure you admire. This unprecedented access can make us feel closer to our heroes, intensifying the sense of connection and potentially amplifying the effects of hero worship.

The rise of influencer culture has also created a new breed of heroes. These aren’t traditional celebrities or historical figures, but everyday people who’ve gained followings through their social media presence. The Psychology of Fandom: Exploring the Mind Behind Fan Culture sheds light on how these new types of heroes are shaping modern fan behavior.

One fascinating aspect of digital-age hero worship is the development of parasocial relationships. These are one-sided relationships where a fan feels a deep connection to a media figure, even though they’ve never met in real life. Social media can intensify these parasocial bonds, making fans feel like they truly know and understand their heroes.

But with great power comes great responsibility (thanks, Spider-Man!). The digital age presents both challenges and opportunities in managing hero worship. On one hand, the constant exposure can fuel obsessive behaviors and unrealistic expectations. On the other hand, social media allows for more direct 
 communication between heroes and their admirers, potentially fostering more realistic perceptions.

Balancing Admiration and Critical Thinking

So, where does all this leave us? How do we navigate the complex waters of hero worship in a way that’s healthy and beneficial?

The key lies in striking a balance between admiration and critical thinking. It’s okay to look up to people who inspire us – in fact, it can be incredibly motivating and enriching. But it’s crucial to remember that our heroes are human, with all the complexities and flaws that entails.

Cultivating a nuanced understanding of our heroes allows us to appreciate their strengths while acknowledging their weaknesses. This balanced approach can actually deepen our admiration, making it more genuine and grounded in reality.

It’s also important to diversify our sources of inspiration. Relying too heavily on a single hero can limit our perspectives and make us vulnerable to disappointment. By drawing inspiration from a variety of sources, we can create a more robust and resilient framework for personal growth.

The Future of Hero Worship

As we look to the future, it’s clear that hero worship isn’t going anywhere. It’s too deeply ingrained in human psychology and culture. But the forms it takes and how we engage with it will likely continue to evolve.

We might see a shift towards more diverse and inclusive heroes, reflecting changing societal values. The rise of artificial intelligence could even lead to the emergence of AI heroes or mentors. Imagine having a personalized AI role model tailored to your specific needs and aspirations!

The Superhero Syndrome Psychology: Exploring the Complexities of Heroic Self-Perception offers insights into how our relationship with heroic ideals might evolve in the future.

Understanding hero worship psychology is crucial not just on a personal level, but in a broader social context too. It influences everything from our personal development to our political choices, from our consumer behavior to our cultural productions.

By developing a more nuanced understanding of hero worship, we can harness its positive aspects while mitigating its potential drawbacks. We can use it as a tool for inspiration and growth, rather than falling into the trap of blind idolization.

In the end, perhaps the most heroic thing we can do is to recognize the potential for heroism within ourselves. As the saying goes, not all heroes wear capes – sometimes, they’re ordinary people doing extraordinary things. And who knows? Maybe someday, someone will look up to you as their hero.

So the next time you find yourself starstruck by a celebrity or in awe of a historical figure, take a moment to reflect. Appreciate their qualities, learn from their experiences, but remember – you’ve got your own heroic journey to embark on. And that, my friends, is where the real adventure begins.

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Signs of a Toxic Daughter

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Barrie Davenport

Image – Imbix Bustle

Mothers tend to see their daughters through the lens of unconditional love instead of owning up to the clear signs of a bad mother-daughter relationship. 

Having a toxic daughter isn’t about assigning blame. 

Understanding a Toxic and Mean Daughter

For every positive trait a mother tries to instill in a daughter, there’s an ugly side. A mother who spoils a child could be furiously complaining, “My daughter treats me with contempt!”

Let’s start with the obvious: you are not a bad mom. You did the best you could with what information you had. But where is all that toxicity coming from? 

Mental Health Issues: One in five adults lives with a mental illness. 20% of children with ADHD are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all until adulthood. A chemical imbalance in the brain could be a sickness wrongly identified as toxic.

Independence: Mothers struggle to balance raising an independent child and “helicopter parenting” their kids. A daughter who feels she doesn’t have the space to grow on her own will resent her mother for getting in the way.

Friendship vs. Parenting: Mothers who try to be their daughter’s best friend are bad at establishing boundaries. This sends the daughter into the adult world feeling entitled to whatever she wants

Neglect: A child who doesn’t think their needs are being met or their cries for help aren’t heard can resent their parents.

13 Heartbreaking Toxic Daughter Signs

Approach this list with an open mind and a place of self-awareness. Some toxic habits could’ve been learned in your home, while others could be societal influences.

Then there’s the generational gap that always fuels a fiery relationship. These are not excuses. These are discussion points. 

1. She’s Immature

The 18th birthday only makes you an adult in the eyes of the law. Turning 21 doesn’t have a magic transition to a fully independent adult, either.

The more your teenager relied on you for guidance, finances, and life skills, the more she will depend on that into adulthood. 

If she’s coming to you with the expectation you will still do things for her, despite your efforts to teach, she’s in toxic trouble that will impact every corner of her life. 

2. She Likes Someone Else’s Mom Better

Whether it’s her new mother-in-law or the mother of her best friend, toxic daughters can make their own mothers feel like crap when they are constantly praising another mother.

While you are left with memories of staying awake with her seven nights straight when she had the flu, she wishes you were more stylish “like Jessica’s mom.”

When a daughter is directly or indirectly comparing you to someone else, you really need to figure out the line between your sensitivity and her toxicity. 

3. She’s Bossy

We know, we know – calling someone “bossy” isn’t politically correct anymore. It feels like such a betrayal when you raised a daughter to have a strong voice, and now she’s telling you what to do like you’re a hired helper.

As with any pushy, bossy, or dominating personality, you control how much they get away with it. 

When toxic levels of pushiness extend to disrespecting wait staff, parking attendants, or strangers in public, you’ll really see how she lacks respect and empathy for other people. 

4. She’s Obsessed with Herself

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said, “I’m so glad social media wasn’t around when I was a teenager!” When your daughter is too focused on herself, she won’t care who she hurts along the way to the next selfie.

She can even twist that pushiness and immaturity onto you as she tears down your makeup routine or fashion choices.

Self-obsession can be formed in childhood with constant praise from parents and the social circle that demanded a picture-perfect lifestyle. Extremely toxic egotistical daughters will even tear others down to put themselves higher on their own pedestal.

5. She Plays You Against Your Husband or Ex

A daughter who uses her manipulative techniques to get her way can play one parent off the other. She might outright call you on the carpet in front of your hubby or secretly tell her dad that you are being mean to her. 

Keep in mind your daughter has built up this practice over the years, and it’s not a trait that will go away on its own. 

Toxic goes into overload when she outright tells you she likes her dad/mum or step-dad/step-mum better than you.

She might even treat you poorly while praising your husband, making you wonder if you did something wrong.

6. She Doesn’t Respond to You

It’s been days, and your daughter hasn’t called or texted you back. You are torn between being hurt and wondering if this is the start of a Lifetime Movie, “My Daughter Is Missing.” 

She could up the ante by answering the phone when you call with a hefty sigh and demanding you don’t respect her busy schedule.

It’s normal for a daughter not to have the same time to spend with you as she transitions to the adult world. It’s not normal to act like she doesn’t see you in the grocery store.

7. She Got Married and Divorced You

As if your daughter leaving the nest wasn’t hard enough, now she’s married and busier than ever. It’s especially challenging for a mom who spent months planning the wedding with her daughter (if they havent already married without your knowledge). 

A daughter who dismisses a mother after getting married likely lacks empathy and is too self-absorbed to know that it hurts. 

A mother can also have a hard time letting go during this transition. Your new son-in-law could also be more controlling than you realized.

She could be separating herself from the reliance on you and your (awesome) advice. 

8. She Makes You Feel Stupid

The power of the eye rolls when parents ask kids about TikTok could fuel New York City for two days. Toxic daughters have no interest in helping parents learn about trending technology.

They seem to forget how it took them six months to tie their dang shoes while you patiently helped.

A toxic daughter will make no qualms about embarrassing a mother at every opportunity, mostly to make herself look better. If she keeps doing it even when you’ve been honest about how you feel, she’s toxic times two. 

9. She’s Always the Victim

Your daughter comes crying to you that she got fired for “only” being late to work five times in the past month. She might even blame you for not teaching her how to change a flat tire and “she almost died” when her car broke down late at night. 

A mother’s nature is to calm and coddle an upset daughter, but you could just be feeding the beast. She gets extra toxic points if you become the enemy when you disagree with her latest victim volume of social posts. 

10. She’s a Liar

As an adult, your daughter is far beyond claiming her eyes are red because of allergies and not the joint she smoked at a party.

Toxic daughters lie for many reasons – to get their way, to gain an advantage, to play to your sense of guilt, and to avoid talking about a topic. 

Toxic daughters who lie will only keep doing it if it benefits them. By confronting her, you do run the risk of her giving you the silent treatment. 

11. She’s Overly Emotional 

You’ve been given the silent treatment before, so you’re likely not too upset about that. Suppose your daughter’s emotions are always toxic, and every discussion ends with her yelling, crying, or slamming your cabinets.

In that case, she’s definitely lacking respect for you and dealing with some mental health issues. 

You should also examine how often her emotional outbursts get her to manipulate you. You can’t control her reaction, but you can control your response. 

12. She Has an Addictive Personality

Overachieving daughters likely have a knack for becoming obsessed or addicted to the chemical rush of something positive.

That tenacity was great when she was studying for the LSAT, but her addictive behaviours can also lead to eating disorders, substance abuse, and loss of reality. 

Especially if her addictive personality pairs with an overly emotional mindset, you could experience her wrath when you ask simple questions about sudden weight loss or slurred speech. 

13. She Never Apologizes

You’ve likely made some motherhood mistakes that you’ve beaten yourself up over for years.

Mothers are quick to apologize, even if it’s not their direct fault. Toxic daughters feed into this by assuming mom is always to blame and escape any fight without owning up to their role.

Even if your daughter will make up with you after a fight, ensure you get the apology before you part ways. If she refuses to apologize, her toxic trait could be as permanent as that tattoo you don’t know about.

Live Bold and Bloom

Abusive Adult Children and its Effect On Parents

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Sheri McGregor MA

Abusive adult children influence parents’ self-image

Image – Wikihow

Abusive adult children: a scary reflection

Have you ever looked in one of those magnifying mirrors that highlights every imperfection? Fine facial hair looks forest-thick, and skin pores appear as large as craters. But there’s a value in looking closely—even if, as a friend says, “Those magnifying mirrors are scary.”

Whose Mirror?

The perverse opinions of abusive adult children can make parents see themselves in a warped mirror. One that distorts them so much they no longer recognize themselves. This might have happened over time, or overnight.

“All I could see were my failures,” recalls Barbara. “My own daughter told me I ruined her life, and she had a million detailed memories of how I did everything wrong.”

Imagine waking up one day and seeing a monstrosity reflected. That’s how parents can feel when an adult child’s abuse includes blame, accusations, and twisted memories.

In the beginning, Barbara spoke up. “It was as if my daughter woke up one day and had brand new memories,” Barbara explains. “She recounted her life with a black cloud of doom over her head, and the cloud was me.”

Because the vast majority of parents want their children’s happiness above all else, they reevaluate themselves through the son or daughter’s perspective. They’re willing to look at how their choices may have been seen through their child’s eyes. All parents make mistakes. Also, it’s possible a child didn’t understand a parent’s choices, the motivation driving them, or what might have been happening behind the scenes. Those sorts of things can be discussed and worked out by willing parties.

Unfortunately, of the one hundred or more emails I receive from parents of estranged or abusive adult children each week, many of them have tried—unsuccessfully. Barbara certainly did. Offers for mediation, counselling, or to just sit down and talk, have been met with such things as flat-out refusals, silence, or more abusive rants.

Seeing the real you

Many parents are surprised to find that there are so many like them who have suffered from cruelty, abandonment, put-downs, and endless blame. And because it’s a controversial subject, they’ve been afraid to tell anyone for fear of judgment. Or, as is often the case, they’re keeping quiet to protect their adult child’s reputation.

Barbara knew she had done her best. She’s like other parents whose self-image can get lost to a flawed reflection provided repeatedly by abusive adult children. I routinely hear from parents convinced they’re failures, deserving of the pain or abandonment their sons and daughters inflict. After all, they reason, if they were a good mother or father, their children would love them.

They may try everything to maintain a relationship. Barbara’s daughter threatened to keep her grandchildren away, so she walked on eggshells.  “If I said anything out of line, which could be anything depending on her mood, then the tirade would begin.” Eventually, Barbara’s then 36-year old daughter began posting lies on Facebook about her. At the time, Barbara was recovering from surgery. At her breaking point, she replied, publicly asking her daughter why she’d lied. The postings were deleted, but Barbara’s daughter went no-contact. “It wasn’t the first time,” says Barbara. “But it has been the longest estrangement so far.”

With a health scare that became a turning point, Barbara knew she had to make a change. That’s when she began to look for help. But after years of warped opinions from an abusive adult child, she had little self-confidence.  “If I raised this person who turned out to be so cruel, then how could I be a successful mother?” she asks.  “My daughter had reminded me what a failure I was every chance she got.”

Take a closer look.

When suffering parents discover my book, they tell me they’re shocked to read so many experiences that mirror their own. And although it’s sad to know there are so many suffering, the knowledge is also heartening. They’re no longer alone. In reading other parents’ accounts, they get a clearer view. They see themselves in others’ stories, and recognize they were also good parents who did their best.

Once parents have a clearer reflection, they can explore positive changes to help themselves move forward in their own lives. One of the first steps is to look more closely at how much an abusive adult child has affected their lives. The inflicted suffering entails more than sadness and grief. Bitterness, lack of confidence, anger, fear, and anxiety have often crept in. In Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, there are many exercises, and one designed specifically to help with this vital step. Holding the magnifier up to examine changes in themselves is one of the first steps to making positive, concrete plans to regain confidence, find meaning, and happiness again.

Take action.

One woman who found this website and my book after 20 years of grief described her life as a “living death.” Now, she’s glad to have found a way out of the roller-coaster of emotions, the shame and sorrow, and to stop crying and to start celebrating life.

Barbara says it’s too late to reconcile with her daughter. There has been too much heartbreak, and her daughter has refused any sort of counseling or mediation. “I miss my grandchildren,” she says, “but I’m hoping to one day see them again.”

Barbara’s expresses the sentiment of many grandparents who, due to estrangement, have lost touch with precious ones. But I sometimes hear from grandparents who have received their wish. There’s a knock at the door one day, and it’s a grownup grandchild with that same sweet smile, wanting to reconnect. When that happens, you’ll want to be ready, so take care of yourself. As one grandmother recently advised, “Get dressed and put on lipstick every day.”

Don’t wait and hope, mired by inaction that only adds to your grief. You can clean the mirrors of guilt and shame and see yourself for the loving parent you have always been. Like thousands of parents who are learning to accept what they cannot change, and see their goodness again, you can be done with the crying. Take action for yourself and your happiness by reading more of the articles at this site, getting Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children and committing to the included exercises. Subscribe to my email newsletter (below) and take the survey. By taking action, you can be like so many parents who have recovered from the sadness and pain caused by abusive adult children, on-and-off or full-on estrangements. Treasure your life. You can find happiness and meaning again.

Rejected Parent

Pathalogical Liars and Mental Disorders

On By LaetitiaIn Divorce, Family Concerns, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

By Kristina Robb-Dover

Everyone lies. It’s a part of life, for better or for worse. Some people find peace in white lies and don’t feel bad about occasionally avoiding the truth to spare a loved one’s feelings. Others, however, see lying, even major lies, as something completely inconsequential.

Pathological lying goes far beyond the standard lies most people tell. Pathological liars lie about all kinds of things, big and small, for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Individuals with this personality trait may lie about innocuous things, like weekend plans, or larger topics, like past experiences, work, schooling or relationships. This may seem like nothing more than an obnoxious personality trait — and in some cases, it is — but lying to this level can also be a symptom of a larger problem. When narcissistic pathological lying begins to interfere with someone’s personal life or the lives of those around them, it may be time to consider a conversation with a therapist or other trained mental health professional.

Defining Pathological Lying

Pathological lying is a behavior pattern in which individuals lie chronically or compulsively. Sometimes referred to as mythomania or pseudologia fantastica, pathological lying generally manifests as lying for lying’s sake. In some cases, individuals may lie to make themselves look better, but in others, they may have no good reason to lie or gain nothing from the act of lying. Being the friend or family member of a pathological liar can be very frustrating, as it’s hard to tell what’s a lie and what isn’t or when a liar can be trusted.

There may be biological drivers behind pathological lying. One study found that central nervous system behavior may influence a propensity for lying, and another found evidence of lying due to an imbalance in the hormone-cortisol ratio. However, due to the differences in the nature of lying and the purposes of lying from one individual to another, there’s not always clear logic behind when or why pathological lying occurs.

“Sometimes lying can be a coping response, often starting in childhood, for some psychological or personality issue that may not be at first visible, it is important to see past just dealing with the lying to uncover the cause,” shares Dr. Beau A. Nelson, DBH, LCSW, Chief Clinical Officer at FHE Health.

Mental Health Disorders

Mental health disorders can and do play a role in pathological lying and may be a contributing factor. In many instances, getting a diagnosis can be the first step to addressing chronic lying.

Determining the difference between lying for social or personal reasons and lying due to mental illness can be a challenge. However, there are often differences in the manifestation of lying in those with mental illnesses versus those who lie for other reasons. For example, there are links between mental illness and believing your own lies; liars with other motivations often don’t believe what they’re saying.

Some of the mental health disorders that cause or contribute to pathological lying include:

Narcissistic personality disorder. Also called NPD, narcissistic personality disorder manifests as arrogant and self-centered behavior with little regard for other people’s feelings. Narcissistic pathological liars may lie for attention, to make themselves feel better, to feel superior to others or to manipulate others for the purposes of self-gain.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder. Obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD, is a mental disorder that features intrusive thoughts and feelings, or obsessions, and a strong urge to perform certain behaviors, or compulsions. In some cases, there are ties between OCD and compulsive lying. Lying can be a true compulsion in a person with OCD experiences, or it can be a negative coping method.

Anxiety disorders. Anxiety can manifest in numerous ways, from acute episodes to more generalized anxiety. While pathological lying isn’t a defining feature of anxiety as it is with other disorders, such as NPD, anxiety and compulsive lying can sometimes go hand in hand. People with anxiety disorders may lie to protect themselves from anxiety triggers or to handle things like a fear of rejection.

Antisocial personality disorder. Antisocial personality disorder is a serious diagnosis that often involves manipulation and cruelty toward others for the sake of personal amusement. It’s often associated with psychopathy. Those with APD might compulsively lie to manipulate the people around them, hurt others’ feelings or otherwise cause harm.

Other Reasons for Pathological Lying

While pathological lying can be linked to mental health disorders, it isn’t always. There are numerous other reasons people may lie with abandon, including:

Insecurity. Some people feel very insecure about who they are and might lie in an effort to make themselves feel better or inflate their own sense of self-worth. Lying may also be a defense mechanism to prevent ridicule or social exclusion. Lying under these circumstances is often quite transparent.

Social status. For those who value social status, lying may be a way to maintain a reputation. For example, communities focused on looks or financial status may look down on behaviors they perceive as lesser. Participants in these kinds of communities, like country clubs or prestigious social organizations, may lie to fit in with their desired peers.

Humor. Though less common than other reasons, some people may lie often because they find it funny. They may not understand the frustrations that come with being lied to or may believe their lies are so egregious that no one would believe them.

Substance abuse. Many substance abusers have issues with honesty, but this is generally inspired by a desire to hide signs of abuse rather than lying for attention or sympathy.

Pathological lying can seem harmless, albeit annoying, but it may be the sign of a bigger problem. Compulsive lying can be a symptom of a mental health disorder or even substance abuse. If pathological lying is a problem in yourself or others, therapy can be a good place to start in getting to the bottom of an issue. Confronting another person about their lying can be challenging but may be a good way to bring a problem to light. When addressing a friend or loved one’s lying, be prepared with a plan, including examples of lies that have harmed relationships or other life circumstances.

How to Cope With a Pathological Liar

It can be challenging, even overwhelming, to maintain a close and trusting relationship with someone prone to pathological lying. The constant uncertainty and broken trust make it difficult to have such a person in your life. If the pathological liar is a close friend or family member or even a spouse, learning to cope with them is crucial to your own well-being.

First, it’s important to recognize that pathological lying is often a compulsion rather than a deliberate act of deceit. Much like a compulsive overeater who might not make a conscious choice to stuff themselves to the point of getting sick or causing health problems, the pathological liar probably isn’t choosing to intentionally spew falsehoods but is instead struggling with an overwhelming urge to fabricate.

You should also understand that pathological lying is usually not the underlying issue. Rather, it’s typically a symptom or manifestation of an underlying mental health condition. If you share a close relationship with someone who compulsively lies, consider gently encouraging them to seek professional help. If you can compel them to address the root cause of the issue, you can play an active role in their healing process.

Treatment for Pathological Lying

Because it isn’t a standalone medical condition, pathological lying doesn’t have a specific treatment. That said, it can often be treated by addressing the underlying mental health issue that causes it. For instance, if pathological lying is the result of a personality disorder, such as dissociative identity or borderline personality, treatments such as medication and cognitive behavioral therapy can make a major difference.

Getting help for mental health issues, including conditions that may lead to pathological lying, can be a critical step. Contact FHE Health today to learn more about our comprehensive treatment options.

FHE Rehab