Tag: estranged families at christmas

How to Cope with Estrangement at Christmas

On By LaetitiaIn Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Dealing with the pain of estrangement can be difficult at the best of times, let alone when it’s Christmas and the absence of family may be more noticeable. After a difficult year of restrictions, hearing about the ‘Christmas bubbles’ some families are forming may also add to the feeling of loss that estrangement can bring, so we asked gransnetters for their tips and advice on how to cope with estrangement at Christmas time. 

Seven ways to cope with family estrangement at Christmas

Focus on yourself and what you want to do

“On Christmas Day I got up early, had several cups of tea, fed the dogs and then wrapped up warm and took them for a long, slow walk. We got back home, I made a hot drink, put the fire on and cuddled up with the dogs until we’d all thawed out.

My Christmas dinner was egg and chips with brown bread and butter and then I curled up with the dogs and watched three Star Wars films, one after the other. It was wonderful! I went to bed happy, relaxed and ready for whatever was coming next. Please don’t think of Christmas Day alone, but of Christmas Day on your own – a vastly different kettle of fish.”

Whether you’re alone for Christmas, or spending it with other family and friends, try to create a day including things you enjoy and that will make you happy. It could be that you ignore traditions and do something you’ve always wanted to do, for example, an alternative feast and film marathon like this gransnetter, or make the day as festive as possible (with all the trimmings). The important thing is that you try to make plans (whether alone or with others) that will bring you joy. Stuck for ideas? Check out our page on things to do if you’re alone for Christmas.

One gransnetter recommends doing something altruistic to raise your spirits: “Volunteer! There are so many people in need this time of year, and lots of amazing organisations. Focusing on giving to others in need will help you embrace what the season is all about, peace and goodwill. You’ll feel so good about your good deeds, you’ll forget to feel bad.”

If you’re deliberating whether to decorate or not, one gransnetter has this advice: “If you’ve always celebrated Christmas, decorated your home and your tree, don’t stop. It’s very tempting to not bother because it’s just too painful but you can’t ignore it, not really. You see homes with their lovely decorations and, for me, to not do my best to embrace this time of the year would simply reinforce what we have lost, and make it harder see what we still have.”

Talk to a trusted friend

“I would talk to your friends and get it out in the open. You may find that talking about it helps get it in perspective and makes it more manageable. I would have a plan for the day, make the most of the things that you have and do something that will keep you busy and engaged.”

Christmas is a hard time of year to be estranged from family, so it’s important that you have a support network in place in case you need to talk through your feelings and acknowledge the sadness you might feel. Communicating how you feel to a trusted friend (who isn’t involved in the estrangement) is important for your mental health, and they can always offer support in the form of taking your mind off things by having a good catch-up too.

 Or chat to the Gransnet community

“Most importantly, talk about how you feel and if you think that those closest to you are ‘all talked out’, talk to us here on GN. You are not alone. Like me, and I’m sure it’s the same for so many estranged people, you’ll be surprised at just how many are going through what we are.”

If you are unsure who to open up to, the Gransnet forums are open 24/7 and there’s a dedicated estrangement topic, where users share advice and offer support to those in similar situations. There’ll also be quite a few of the Gransnet community around at Christmas, especially with restrictions meaning many are spending the day alone, so whether it’s for support or virtual merriment to cheer you up, you can chat anonymously on the forums. 

Remember it’s just a day

“I think Christmas can be a minefield most years, but this year is particularly problematic with bubbles and worries about infection. I think there is so much hype surrounding Christmas and the sometimes unrealistic picture of saccharine family harmony.”

The pressure Christmas can cause shouldn’t be underestimated – a survey by the Mental Health Foundation found that more than half of adults in the UK are worried about the mental health of a loved one over the festive period. With sadness caused by estrangement on top of the usual Christmas stresses, it can seem overwhelming – particularly if it’s your first year estranged. Try to remember that it is a short period, and to take each step and day at a time, as Christmas will soon be over and you’re not alone in feeling this way. We have a page on how to deal with loneliness at Christmas that might be useful in finding some coping mechanisms.

Avoid activities that will make you feel worse

“If there are things that you feel are just too hard to do, don’t do them. It’s eight years for us now and I still can’t go to our church’s children’s nativity service or watch them on tv, so I don’t.”

Identify triggers and avoid them where possible. If it’s one of your first Christmases estranged, this might be difficult as you may not necessarily know the things that will bring on feelings of loss until you encounter them, but if the thought of going to or watching something makes you feel uneasy about the memories it may provoke, it’s best to give it a miss if you can. 

It might also be worth avoiding social media such as Facebook and Instagram around the time if you feel you may become upset at photos of families spending Christmas together. In this instance, it’s important not to compare yourself and your situation to others, as this is likely to be detrimental to you, and bear in mind that not everything on social media is as it seems.

Think carefully before you communicate

“We’ve never sent anything to our estranged son which to be honest is purely for self preservation, as neither of us could cope with anything we’d sent being returned, or being castigated for sending him something in the first place. Do what feels right for you, do what will help you get through your first or yet another Christmas with estrangement.”

The sentimentality of Christmas may incite nostalgia, and make you want to pick up the phone or put pen to paper to try to reconcile, but before you make any hasty decisions think through whether this is the right thing for you to do. If you receive no reply, will it make you feel worse than before? Would you want to make contact like this if it was any other time of year? Connecting with an estranged relative is obviously a very sensitive topic, but it’s essential that you think things through clearly and objectively before making any big decisions. Our page on estrangement has more information on this.

If you’re struggling with not seeing your grandchildren over Christmas, and are unable to make contact, one gransnetter recommends creating a memory box and putting a card in there for them each year. This way you are acknowledging your grandchild’s Christmas without creating further hostility with their parents: “This will be the first year we haven’t sent them a card in the post, we’ve decided we don’t need to do that anymore, so we will be getting a card for each of them to go in the memory box.”

Be kind to yourself and get help if you need it

It’s been an unimaginably difficult year for many, so go easy on yourself, and remember that even when coping with loss through estrangement, you’re still allowed to feel joy and happiness at Christmas. If you are really struggling and feeling low, it’s important that you seek advice and guidance to help you through this hard time. Here are some organisations which may help if you’re worried about your mental health:

  • Relate – offer relationship counseling, including family issues
  • Mind – offer mental health support 
  • Silverline – helpline for older people
  • Samaritans – if you urgently need emotional support, you can contact them by emailing jo@samaritans.org or by calling 116 123.

Gransnet

Estranged from Family at Christmas

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, SuicideLeave a comment

Unhappy families: Nine out ten adults estranged from family find Christmas difficult.

A new report looking at the experiences of people who are estranged from family members and the challenges they face has highlighted the particular difficulties associated with Christmas.

“Social media plays a part because it’s a highlight reel of people’s family lives, with Facebook feeds filled with pictures of families celebrating together.” Lucy Blake

Hidden Voices – Family Estrangement in Adulthood, a collaboration between the charity Stand Alone and the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge, is the first in depth piece of UK research on family estrangement. It examines the experiences of over 800 people who self-identify as being estranged from their whole family or a key family member, such as their mother, father, siblings or children.

Becca Bland, Chief Executive of Stand Alone, says: “Family is a huge part of our individual and collective lives and an unconditionally loving, supportive group of relations is idealised in society. Yet this is not always attainable for those who are estranged from their family or a family member. I’m sure this research will be challenging to read, but I’m hopeful that as a society we have the strength to keep listening to people in this position, with the view to eventually understanding why our adult family relationships are not always as unconditionally close and supportive as we might wish and imagine them to be.”

The report provides an understanding of family estrangement and its characteristics as well as detailing the challenges participants faced when living without contact with family or a key family member. Common factors that contribute to relationship breakdown with parents, siblings and children include emotional abuse, clashes of personality and values, and mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships.

However, estrangement does not necessarily mean there is no contact between family members. A minority of respondents have minimal contact with the person they are estranged from. Similarly, estrangements are not always stable, and cycling in and out of estrangement is not uncommon. Those who wished their estranged relationships could be different wanted a relationship that was more positive, unconditionally loving, warm and emotionally close.

Most often, respondents who were estranged from an adult child reported that their daughter or son had cut contact with them. Of those who had initiated estrangement from a parent, respondents had done so at various ages, with most doing so in their late 20s and early 30s.

The report shows that the festive period is often the most challenging time for those touched by family estrangement and can be a key time of isolation and vulnerability, with 90% of respondents saying they found the Christmas period a key time of challenge. Other challenging times were reported as birthdays (85%), being around other families (81%) and the death of family members (79%).

“Almost every estranged person finds Christmas the hardest period,” explains Dr Lucy Blake from the Centre for Family Research. “There’s a strong societal expectation of what a family looks like. Social media plays a part too because it’s a highlight reel of people’s family lives, with Facebook feeds filled with pictures of families celebrating together. The reality doesn’t always look like this, but people often find it difficult to talk about that.”

Stigma around the topic of family estrangement is also an issue: two-thirds (68%) of respondents felt that there was stigma around the topic of family estrangement and described feeling judged and feeling as if they were contradicting societal expectations. One in four respondents had turned to their GP for support but reported finding them not at all helpful.

However, not all experiences of estrangement were negative. Around four out of five respondents felt there had been some positive outcomes of their experiences of estrangement, such as greater feelings of freedom and independence.

Reference
Lucy Blake, Becca Bland and Susan Golombok. Hidden Voices – Family Estrangement in Adulthood. 10 December 2015

University of Cambridge

Estranged Families and Christmas

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, SuicideLeave a comment
Christmas is the hardest time of year for those estranged from close family

Image – CBS

With Christmas just around the corner, many will be finalising plans to see their families over the festive period. Yet for others, family relationships are challenging, distant and a source of pain. In some cases, relationships break down entirely leaving people estranged from close relatives.

Results from a new online survey of people estranged from family members conducted with the charity Stand Alone, has shown how difficult Christmas can be. The survey was completed by 807 people who identified as being estranged from a parent, sibling or an adult child.

Almost all identified the holiday season as the most challenging time of year, describing feelings of loneliness, isolation and sadness. These feelings and experiences are in direct contrast to the idealised images of happy families around the dinner table that feature in Christmas advertising and the media at this time of year. One respondent said:

Everyone always says ‘what family plans do you have for holidays?’ and look at you funny when you say none. It’s hard to explain to people why you don’t want to be with your own parents.

Two-thirds of the respondents felt there was a stigma about family estrangement. They described feeling judged or blamed – and feeling that estrangement was a taboo subject about which there is little understanding or acknowledgement.

No two estranged relationships looked alike. Yet common factors often led to estrangement, such as having mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships, clashes in personality and values, and emotional abuse.

Estrangement was found to be more complex than simply a lack of contact or communication between family members. Although most of the respondents who were estranged from a parent, sibling or an adult child had no contact whatsoever with this individual, approximately 25% had contact that was minimal in nature. These results are similar to those of Australian social worker Kylie Aglias, who has distinguished between family members who have no contact at all (physical estrangement) and those whose contact is infrequent, perfunctory, and often uncomfortable (emotional estrangement).

We also found that estranged relationships change over time and that cycles in and out of estrangement are common. Of those who said they wished that their estranged relationship was different, most wanted a relationship that was more loving, warm and emotionally close.

What can be done to help?

When it came to getting support, respondents said those friends and support services which offered them emotional and practical support and took the time to listen to them and show them understanding were the most helpful. They found it unhelpful when they felt friends or counsellors dismissed them or when they felt they had been judged and blamed for the estrangement.

It would be wrong to assume that all those experiencing estrangement wish for there to be reconciliation in the future. Feelings about the future of estranged relationships were varied. Of those who were estranged from a mother or father, most felt that there would never be a functional relationship between them in the future. Yet for those who were estranged from an adult son or daughter, most felt that there could be a functional relationship in the future or were unsure of the future direction of the relationship.

Four out of five respondents also reported that there had been a positive outcome from their experience of estrangement. These included feeling more free and independent, feeling happier and less stressed, and having gained a greater insight or understanding of themselves and relationships more broadly.

By listening to the hidden voices of people who are estranged from close relatives, we can begin to move beyond assumptions about what families could or should look like and begin conversations about families and family relationships as they really are.

The Conversation.com