Tag: family

The Cultural Story Behind Family Estrangement

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Rachel Haack MA MFTI

1. Postmodernism and Critical Theory in the Family System

Postmodernism taught us to question authority and dismantle universal truths. Critical theory taught us to look for oppression and power in every relationship. Both were useful lenses at first, until they became the only lenses.

Today, these frameworks have trickled all the way down into the family, where dynamics are no longer just relational but political.
Parents are recast as oppressors. Children as liberators. Love becomes suspect, and forgiveness looks like betrayal of the self.

Books like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and online influencers preaching “go no contact” have popularized this moral framework of hierarchy and harm. Once you interpret ordinary imperfection through a lens of oppression, the only moral response becomes disconnection.

2. Social Contagion and the Amplification of Ideas

Before smartphones, ideas spread through communities slowly: by conversation, print, and lived experience. Now they spread virally, without friction or context.

We’ve seen social contagions before: diagnostic trends like “multiple personality disorder” in the 1980s or the surge of “recovered memories.” Today, similar dynamics are playing out around “toxic parents,” “narcissistic mothers,” and “cutoff as healing.”

On TikTok and Instagram, creators share stories of liberation from their families, often rewarded with validation and applause. The more sensational the story, the more viral it becomes. And soon, estrangement itself, especially “no contact”, becomes not just a coping choice but a cultural script.

3. The Portable, Always-Connected World

In 1960, a college student might have called home once a month (collect!).
Letters were the norm. Distance was assumed. Love wasn’t measured in response time.

Now, the digital tether has changed our expectations entirely. Parents and adult children can be in contact multiple times a day, and when they’re not, it feels like something’s wrong.

This 24/7 accessibility has raised the relational temperature for everyone. We’re over-connected, overstimulated, and overwhelmed. Most adults are managing hundreds of micro-relationships through text, email, and social media. The guilt of not keeping up, of failing to “stay in touch”, becomes exhausting. And sometimes, that guilt turns into avoidance or conflict.

We’re living in what I call the age of too much para-connection, where everyone feels both crowded and lonely.

4. Concept Creep, Safetyism, and the Pathologizing of Discomfort

Over the past decade, psychological language has exploded into everyday conversation. Words that once had clinical meaning: trauma, abuse, narcissism, gaslighting, boundaries – are now used casually to describe any form of emotional pain or frustration. Psychologists Nick Haslam and Jonathan Haidt have called this phenomenon concept creep: when the definitions of harm and trauma expand to include ordinary stress, discomfort, and disagreement.

At the same time, a new cultural ideal has emerged, what Haidt and Greg Lukianoff call safetyism. Safety, once meaning freedom from physical danger, now includes freedom from emotional discomfort. To be “safe” means to never feel hurt, anxious, or misunderstood.

This shift sounds compassionate, but it has quietly redefined what we consider harmful. Normal friction in relationships: differences in temperament, misunderstanding, conflict, even the enduring “perpetual problems” that exist in every long-term bond – are now reinterpreted as forms of emotional danger.

When discomfort itself is seen as harm, repair begins to look like self-betrayal. Rather than learning tolerance for relational tension, we pathologize it. And soon, the ordinary pain of loving another imperfect human being starts to feel like something we must protect ourselves from, rather than something we can grow through.

5. The Reinforcement Loop: How Therapy Culture Confirms the Cutoff

This new sensitivity to harm is reinforced by the professionals and influencers shaping our public conversations about relationships. The dominant narrative says that no one cuts off contact with a parent without perfectly good reasons. The logic goes like this: because estrangement feels so unthinkable, it must also be justified.

Therapists and creators often tell their audiences, “You’ve done everything you could,” or “No one goes no contact lightly.” The implicit message is that disconnection is the only rational or healthy conclusion to a long-standing relationship problem.

In clinical spaces, this message is amplified by a moral pressure that runs deep in the helping professions. To challenge a client’s decision to cut off contact is framed as “causing harm.” To explore reconciliation is seen as enabling abuse. Therapists are warned that if we don’t affirm a client’s self-protective decisions, we risk becoming “excusers of abusers.” I receive messages such as “Yikes. This is dangerous.” to an instagram post addressing the nuance of estrangement.

Naturally, that strikes fear into the heart of any well-meaning clinician who wants to do right by their client. To imagine that our empathy could itself cause harm is paralyzing. And so, out of caution, many practitioners stop short of exploring repair or differentiation, even when disconnection may be premature or unnecessary.

What results is a therapeutic culture that affirms estrangement as inherently empowering: but rarely asks whether empowerment might also come from growth, dialogue, or courage in the face of discomfort.

6. The “Pure Relationship” and the Consumer Self

Sociologist Anthony Giddens coined the term the pure relationship—the belief that a relationship’s legitimacy depends on emotional satisfaction alone. It should be warm, mutually beneficial, and affirming at all times.

That idea, combined with our culture’s obsession with optimization, has quietly reshaped our relational ethics. We now evaluate our relationships the way we evaluate products: Does this still serve me? Does this make me happy?

When something feels hard, the impulse isn’t to repair, it’s to replace.
We live in a hyper-individualistic, portable, meritocratic, consumer world. We can move cities, change jobs, and find new communities with a swipe. The result is a growing inability to tolerate the inevitable discomforts of enduring relationships: the very tensions that make us grow up, soften, and mature. We don’t have to learn to live within our village: we can find a new one instead.

Estrangement, in this context, isn’t just a breakdown of love; it’s the logical conclusion of a culture that has made comfort and self-expression the highest virtues.

7. Luxury Beliefs and the New Village of One

Sociologist Rob Henderson coined the term luxury beliefs to describe ideas that signal social status but often carry hidden costs for others. In this context, the belief that cutting off “toxic” family members is always healthy functions like a luxury belief: it’s most easily embraced by those who can afford to lose their families and replace them (often with paid support networks).

Many modern cutoffs occur in families with greater resources, where autonomy is financially feasible. Our standard of living has made it possible to outsource almost every form of relational interdependence. We no longer need the messy village of extended family to survive; we can simply hire one.

If our in-law is irritating, we can pay for childcare.
If our mother’s help feels overwhelming, we can hire a postpartum doula.
If a relationship feels complicated, we can opt for convenience.

In this way, affluence enables avoidance. It allows us to curate our social lives around comfort and control rather than tolerance and reciprocity. The more economically independent we become, the less dependent we are on the people who stretch us.

And sometimes, that independence itself is a gift handed down from the very family being rejected. Many of the young adults now severing ties with parents do so after those same parents helped fund their education, co-signed their first lease, or quietly absorbed the cost of early adulthood. The support that made autonomy possible is later reinterpreted as control. Once financial reliance ends, the relationship can be rewritten through the language of freedom: They can’t control me anymore.

It’s a striking irony of privilege—the estrangement enabled by security. When you no longer need your family to survive, you also lose the incentive to work through what makes them difficult. And so, we drift further into what might be called the luxury of disconnection—a life where we can meet nearly all our needs without ever having to practice forgiveness, patience, or repair.

8. So What Do We Do With All This?

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by all of this, to feel like you’re standing in the tide of something too large to resist. You can’t fight the world. You can’t change a culture on your own. You can’t go to battle against the zeitgeist without burning out in despair.

So here’s what I suggest: When things feel big, focus on the small.

You don’t have to fix the world. What we can do is adapt: by creating small, consistent acts of connection with those closest to us. Reorient to your values and live them out in the relationships right in front of you.

If you’re disheartened by the fact that we live in an individualistic, portable, meritocratic, consumer world, start by noticing where that shows up in your own relationships. Begin to reclaim the village around you.

  • Can you stay in relationship when it’s hard?
  • Can you practice forgiveness even when it isn’t reciprocated?
  • Who are you quick to write off—and who might you reach out to instead?

Nobody changes by being lectured into connection. We learn by observation and osmosis. Culture shifts not through argument, but through example.

So ask yourself:

  • Am I making it easier or harder for people to connect with me?
  • Do people feel seen in my presence?
  • Is there one small thing I can do differently in this relationship today?

That’s how change happens—not through revolution, but through micro-shifts. We don’t have to fix a generation or a cultural moment. We just need to live our values with quiet conviction in a world that spins around us.

Because while you can’t stop the tide, you can build something steady enough to stand in it.

 If this resonated with you, share it with someone who’s also trying to make sense of our disconnected age. The more we talk about it—and live differently inside it—the more repair becomes possible. Also, please consider becoming a paid subscriber, as it allows me to keep offering my articles for free to those in need. Thank you!

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False Memory Creation – Parental Alienation

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Sarah Squires

One of the hardest elements of parental alienation is when allegations are made by both
children and parents. Professionals have a duty of care to investigate and gather evidence. But
how reliable are the memories being recalled?
It has long been accepted that false memories exist and there are countless studies which
confirm how easy it is to “implant” a memory (which we will look into later) but for a practitioner
involved in a parental alienation case, it can be hard to identify real from false memories and
therefore recall confabulation can result in prosecution for the “abuser”, possibly jail and
definitely the loss of the relationship with their child.
It is therefore important that we understand what memory is, how it is stored and how false
memories can occur.

What is memory?

Bartlett (1932) describes memory as “imaginative reconstruction” meaning that memories
consist of numerous elements, pieced together and replayed in a format familiar to the teller.
The first two elements are:
● Declarative
● Nondeclarative

Semantic memory refers to the facts involved in the memory which you just know and are not
from personal experience. For example, the names for colours. Craik and Lockhart (1972) found
that complex semantic processing produced better recall than simple semantic processing.
Meaning it’s the details which help with the recall.

Episodic memory refers to the unique experience linked to the time and place in our lives.
Rogers et al (1977) found that episodic memory was more reliable than semantic in recall
situations. Meaning we remember things better which have a personal and emotional
connection to us. A study by Hayne and Imuta (2011) found that by the age of 3, children exhibit
rudimentary episodic memory skills, and that strict reliance on verbal recall may underestimate
their episodic memory ability.

Interestingly, more recent findings have suggested that it is the ability to retain, as opposed to
form, episodic memories that may be the source of the advantage inferred through age in older children, with 3-year-old children demonstrating good retention of episodic recollection across short but not long delays (Scarf et al., 2013).

Nondeclarative memory, also known as procedural memory, is the repository of information
about basic skills, motor (muscular) movement, verbal qualities, visual images, and emotions. It
is our unconscious memory based on what we have been taught and experienced in the world
around us.

Conditioning plays an important role in procedural memory and two main conditioning elements
have been identified: classic and operant.

Classic conditioning theory was developed by Pavlov following experiments with dogs.
He found that you could associate a behaviour to a previously non-associated action
through classic conditioning. He rang a bell and the dogs did not respond. He showed
them food, they salivated (required response). He then gave the food and rang the bell
at the same time, dogs salivated (required response). Finally he rang the bell on it’s own
and the dogs salivated (required response). The dogs had been conditioned to associate
the bell and food.

Operant conditioning was developed by Skinner (1948) and Thorndike (1905). They both
found that animals would repeat the same action if the outcome was pleasant (positive
reinforcement) and would stop an action if the outcome was negative (negative
reinforcement). The animals learnt this through trial and error. This became known as
the “law of effect”

Both are behavioural theories but these responses becomes procedural and so form part of our
long term memory.

In order for memory to be developed, we also need the cognitive abilities to piece it all together.
Jean Piaget (1932) developed 4 cognitive stages of childhood development:

  1. Sensorimotor Stage: Birth through about 2 years. During this stage, children learn about
    the world through their senses and the manipulation of objects.
  2. Preoperational Stage: Ages 2 through 7. During this stage, children develop memory and imagination. They are also able to understand things symbolically, and to understand the ideas of past and future.
  3. Concrete Operational Stage: Ages 7 through 11. During this stage, children become more aware of external events, as well as feelings other than their own. They become less egocentric, and begin to understand that not everyone shares their thoughts, beliefs, or feelings.
  4. Formal Operational Stage: Ages 11 and older. During this stage, children are able to use logic to solve problems, view the world around them, and plan for the future.

“Six-month-olds have a memory span of no more than about 24 hours, which gradually expands
to up to a month by 9 months. In the new study, 13-month-old babies could not remember
events they had witnessed and mimicked four months earlier– a task that came easily to their
elders, ages 21 months and 28 months.”
(https://www.upi.com/Older-children-remember-longer/47801036004400/)

Using this and the previous studies mentioned, we can see how memory develops in children
and the ages at which specific types of memory develop alongside their cognitive and language
abilities.

How false memories can be created

Freud (1923) first identified that likelihood of false memory, naming it confabulation and
reconstruction.
Confabulation is the unintentional manufacturing of information to fill in the missing details
during recall. It’s usual purpose it to make the story more coherent and can occur under
conditions of high motivation or emotion.
In 1997 Coan found that “our recollection of memories can be manipulated and even entire sets
of events can be confabulated”.
Reconstruction involves the distortion of the original memory through a series of filters including
our past experiences, beliefs, schemas and stereotypes.

Elizabeth Loftus and Cara Laney (2013) found that the verbage used to frame a question when
trying to illicit a memory recall can impact false memory recollection. For example, asking “did
you see THE dog?” was more likely to get a false memory recollection than asking “did you see
Adog?”
Nicholas Spanos (1996) found that 50% of participants were led to contrast complex, vivid and
detailed false memories using a process called “guided mnemonic restructuring” which involves
active encouragement.
Loftus and Laney also found that imagination inflation can occur as the more a subject
visualises/images the event, the more “real” it becomes.

In the same paper three key elements which impact the forming of false memory were identified
as:
● social pressure
● encouragement
● individual encouraged not to consider if the memory is true or not

Implications for parental alienation

In studies adults have been shown to be very susceptible to suggestion and manipulation to
create false memories if they are encouraged to by someone they have an interpersonal
relationship with meaning children, who are much more susceptible to their parent’s influence,
could easily “create” memories which they retain through rehearsal.

Attachment System Suppression and Phobic Anxiety Toward a Parent

The child’s symptoms evidence a selective and targeted suppression of the normal-range
functioning of the child’s attachment bonding motivations toward one parent, the
targeted-rejected parent, in which the child seeks to entirely terminate a relationship with this parent (i.e., a child-initiated cut-off in the child’s relationship with a normal-range and affectionally available parent). (Childress 2015)

A child who previously had a positive and secure attachment to the alienated parent, suddenly
hates them and vilifies them for everything they do and have done.

They have no good memories of the alienated parent. The age of the child is important as is
how long the child has been separated from the parent. However, we know that children are
capable of storing and recalling memories from a very young age and so for there to be a
complete absence of any good memories, may suggest manipulation or conditioning. For
example a child could say they love the alienated parent and get shouted at (negative
reinforcement) so they stop saying it and instead say “I hate them” and get rewarded (positive
reinforcement). Following the law of effect, the child would make more negative statements
towards the alienated parent in order to receive more rewards. There is also the added
dimension here of the attachment style of the parent. If they were previously rejecting-neglecting
the child, there is even more motivation for the child to say negative things as they will get their
primary needs met as well.

Fixed False Belief

The child’s symptoms display an intransigently held, fixed and false belief regarding the
fundamental parental inadequacy of the targeted-rejected parent in which the child
characterizes a relationship with the targeted rejected parent as being somehow
emotionally or psychologically “abusive” of the child. While the child may not explicitly
use the term “abusive,” the implication of emotional or psychological abuse is contained
within the child’s belief system and is not warranted based on the assessed parenting
practices of the targeted-rejected parent (which are assessed to be broadly normal
range) (Childress 2015).

In some instances there may be a genuine reason the child feels angry towards the alienated
parent. But the reaction is still disproportionate to the incident which has made them angry. As
an ex child protection social worker I have witnessed contact between abusive parents and their children and in almost all cases, the child will interact with the parent and the relationship will
return to its previous state. Obviously here the age of the child is important though. An
adolescent child may demonstrate more anger due to their increased understanding and their
own interrupted emotional state as they go through puberty. A younger child however, whose
memory is still developing, would struggle to recall memories from over two months ago.
Therefore it is important for practitioners to remember that a child will have both good and bad
memories of the alienated parent. Bad events do not delete good ones. If a child is unable (or
unwilling) to recall positive memories, this could indicate manipulation or conditioning. It may
also be possible that false memories have been implanted and cemented through rehearsal,
ensuring that the child thoroughly believes their accusations.

Splitting

The child evidences polarized extremes of attitude toward the parents, in which the
supposedly “favoured” parent is idealized as the all-good and nurturing parent while the
rejected parent is entirely devalued as the all-bad and entirely inadequate parent.
(Childress 2015)

The child has a very “black and white” view of their parents. One is all good, the other all bad.
No positive qualities can be recalled for the alienated parent and no negative ones for the
alienator.

Memory is very rarely erased (except in amnesia cases) and instead fade over time. So for a
child to be unable (or unwilling) to recall any positive qualities in their parent, suggests that
conditioning has taken place. For example, the alienating parent could classically condition the
child into believing the alienated parent is all bad by associating all bad memories with that
parent. “We can’t go on holiday this year because of your mother/father”. If this process is
repeated often enough, the child will be conditioned to believe the alienated parent is all bad.
Diversely, the alienating parent will be telling the child that they are the only one who loves them
and understands them, conditioning the child to see them as all good.

Role-Reversal Dynamic

In alienation, a child’s psychological boundaries may be compromised, and differentiation
from that parent may not occur. Instead, the child becomes infused with the mindset of the
pathogenic parent and alienated from the normal-range parent through covert psychological
manipulation on the part of the pathogenic parent. (Childress 2015)

The child will adamantly deny that anyone has influenced their decision.
Again, age will be an important factor here. Does the child have the cognitive ability (as outlined
above) to make these statements? Do they understand the consequences? It is therefore
important the practitioner explores the child’s understanding of what the statements mean and
uses memory recall exercises to confirm this. For example, a child who states that they have
decided they never want to see their parent again could be asked “what about at Christmas? Do
you not want a present from them?” and explore “what did you get from them last year?”. Future
and past tense exercises can help bypass the possibility of false memories because it is unlikely
(and impossible) for someone to have rewritten their entire history or talked about the future with
the child.

Absence of Empathy

The child displays a complete absence of empathy for the emotional pain being inflicted
on the targeted-rejected parent by the child’s hostility and rejection of this parent.
(Childress 2015)

The child will feel justified in their actions and cold towards the alienated parent.
According to Erikson’s Psychosocial (1950, 1963) stage theory, around age three and
continuing to age five, children assert themselves more frequently. They will play independently,
make up games and and initiate activities with others. This is the Initiative v’s Guilt stage.
Therefore it is important when a child is expressing that they are using their own initiative, that this behaviour is observed in other settings as well. Does the demonstrate the ability to think
independently about other subjects? Any inconsistency may suggest manipulation.

Grandiosity

The child displays a grandiose perception of occupying an inappropriately elevated
status in the family hierarchy that is above the targeted-rejected parent from which the
child feels empowered to sit in judgment of the targeted-rejected parent as both a parent
and as a person. (Childress 2015)

The child will always side with the alienating parent. The child does not want to hear the
alienated parent’s point of view.

This demonstrates elements of concrete thinking. i.e. seeing something as fixed and certain. It
is evident in very young children but as children age they begin to develop logical and
eventually abstract thinking as well (see Piaget’s development stages above). The absence of
logical thinking, which would be developmentally appropriate for their age, suggests either
developmental delay or manipulation.

Transgenerational Trauma and the Trauma Reenactment

This is the process by which differentiation between family members across generations
affects individuals and their personal differentiation process. The transmission occurs on
several levels involving both conscious teaching and unconscious programming of
emotional responses and behaviors. Due to the intricacies of the relationship dynamics,
some children develop more of a differentiated “self” than others. (Childress 2015)

The child may make accusations against the alienated parent which phrases and scenarios
which are inappropriate for their age. For example, a child might say “I hate mum/dad because
they made us homeless” but when you ask them what homeless means they have no
understanding of it.

Whilst not all allegations are false, those which use language which isn’t congruent with the
child’s natural speech, would suggest that false memories have been implanted. As outlined in
the above section on “how false memories are implanted”, this is relatively easy to do and
children will be highly sensitive to this kind of manipulation from a caregiver. Especially if it is
coupled with condition behaviours.

Avoidance of Parent

The child seeks to avoid exposure to the targeted parent due to the situationally
provoked anxiety or else endures the presence of the targeted parent with great distress.
“Childress 2015)

Anyone associated with the alienated parent will be rejected by the child for little or no reason.
Using Erikson’s psychosocial development model again, the crisis of trust vs mistrust occurs
during the first year or so of life. During this stage, the infant is uncertain about the world in
which they live. To resolve these feelings of uncertainty, the infant looks towards their caregivers
for stability and consistency of care. This forms the attachment.

Initially Bowlby (1969) believed that a child formed one primary attachment which superseded
all others. However later research has shown that children form multiple quality attachments to a
range of caregivers, including grandparents, aunts and uncles (Furnivall 2011). Therefore it is
important when a child is rejecting whole families or those associated with alienated parent, that
a practitioner explores early attachment and experiences with the wider family through taking
family history. The child is unlikely to have forgotten those experiences and, unless severe
abuse has taken place, it is unlikely the memories have been repressed. Therefore the child
may have been conditioned and manipulated into “forgetting”.

Conclusion

Both memory and parental alienation are complex theories and we have to draw upon many
additional theories in order to give a comprehensive picture of what is going on. However I hope
that this paper has demonstrated the important role that memory and memory manipulation
plays in parental alienation syndrome and provided some practical advice on what to look for.

False Memories by Sarah Squires

My comments – Although this article speaks of younger children, adult children can also act this way towards a targeted parent, creating false memories about them due to the manipulation and conditioning from the favoured parent. I have had contact with thousands of mothers who are experiencing this.

A Daughter’s Jealousy of her Mother

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Unravelling the complex psychology by Neuro Launch Editorial Team.

A daughter’s jealousy towards her mother is a complex emotional quagmire that can shatter the very foundation of their relationship, leaving both women grappling with the painful aftermath. This intricate psychological phenomenon is far more common than many realize, silently wreaking havoc on countless mother-daughter bonds across the globe. As we delve into the murky waters of this familial struggle, we’ll uncover the hidden currents that drive this jealousy and explore the ripple effects it has on the entire family unit.

The green-eyed monster of jealousy doesn’t discriminate based on age or relationship status. It can rear its ugly head in the most unexpected places, even within the sacred bond between a mother and her daughter. This particular brand of envy is a unique beast, often rooted in a complex web of emotions, experiences, and unmet needs that have been festering for years, if not decades.

To truly grasp the gravity of this issue, we must first acknowledge its prevalence. While exact statistics are hard to come by (after all, who readily admits to being jealous of their own mother?), anecdotal evidence and clinical observations suggest that daughter-mother jealousy is far from rare. It’s a silent epidemic that often goes unspoken, hidden behind forced smiles and tense family gatherings.

Understanding the underlying psychology of this jealousy is crucial not only for the individuals directly involved but for the health of the entire family system. The mother-daughter relationship is often considered one of the most influential and formative bonds in a person’s life. When jealousy infiltrates this relationship, it can have far-reaching consequences that extend well beyond the two individuals involved.

Before we dive deeper, it’s worth briefly touching on the concept of the Electra complex, a psychological theory that provides some context for understanding daughter-mother jealousy. Coined by Carl Jung, this theory suggests that young girls may develop an unconscious attraction to their fathers and rivalry with their mothers. While modern psychology has largely moved away from such rigid interpretations, the concept still offers a useful framework for exploring the complex dynamics at play in mother-daughter relationships.

Root Causes of Daughter’s Jealousy Towards Mother

To truly unravel the tangled web of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother, we need to examine the various threads that contribute to this complex emotion. Like a tapestry woven from different coloured yarns, each strand represents a unique factor that, when combined, creates the full picture of this psychological phenomenon.

One of the primary threads in this tapestry is the developmental stages and psychological theories that underpin human growth and relationships. As children progress through various stages of development, their relationship with their parents naturally evolves. For daughters, the mother often serves as both a role model and a source of comparison. This dual role can sometimes lead to feelings of inadequacy or competition, especially during adolescence and early adulthood when daughters are struggling to establish their own identities.

Another crucial thread is the competition for attention and affection, particularly within the family unit. In some cases, daughters may feel that they’re constantly vying for their father’s attention, with their mother as the perceived “rival.” This dynamic can be especially pronounced in families where the father is emotionally distant or where the mother-father relationship is particularly strong. The daughter may feel left out or overshadowed, leading to feelings of jealousy towards her mother.

Unresolved childhood issues form yet another significant strand in this complex weave. Early experiences of neglect, favoritism towards siblings, or perceived lack of maternal warmth can leave lasting scars that manifest as jealousy in adulthood. These unresolved issues can fester over time, coloring the daughter’s perception of her mother and their relationship.

Lastly, we can’t ignore the thread of the mother’s perceived success or attractiveness. In a society that often pits women against each other and places a high value on youth and beauty, daughters may find themselves feeling inadequate when comparing themselves to their mothers. This is particularly true if the mother is seen as successful, attractive, or accomplished in areas where the daughter feels she falls short.

It’s important to note that these root causes often intertwine and overlap, creating a complex psychological landscape that can be challenging to navigate. Understanding these underlying factors is crucial for both mothers and daughters seeking to address and overcome feelings of jealousy.

Signs and Manifestations of Daughter’s Jealousy

Jealousy, like a chameleon, can take on many forms and hues. When it comes to a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother, the manifestations can range from subtle to glaringly obvious. Recognizing these signs is the first step towards addressing the issue and healing the relationship.

One of the most common ways jealousy rears its head is through verbal and non-verbal expressions. A jealous daughter might make snide remarks about her mother’s appearance, achievements, or relationships. These comments often come disguised as “jokes” or backhanded compliments, leaving the mother feeling confused and hurt. Non-verbally, a daughter might roll her eyes, sigh heavily, or display other body language that conveys disapproval or resentment towards her mother.

Competitive behavior and one-upmanship are also telltale signs of underlying jealousy. The daughter might constantly try to outdo her mother, whether it’s in terms of career achievements, personal relationships, or even something as trivial as cooking skills. This constant need to prove herself “better” than her mother often stems from deep-seated insecurities and a desire for validation.

In more severe cases, a jealous daughter might attempt to undermine her mother’s relationships. This could involve trying to drive a wedge between her mother and father, or sabotaging her mother’s friendships. The daughter might spread gossip, reveal secrets, or manipulate situations to make her mother look bad in the eyes of others. This behaviour is particularly destructive as it not only damages the mother-daughter relationship but also affects the entire family dynamic.

Excessive criticism or resentment towards the mother is another clear indicator of jealousy. The daughter might find fault with everything her mother does, from her parenting style to her choice of clothes. This constant criticism often masks the daughter’s own insecurities and serves as a defense mechanism to protect her fragile self-esteem.

It’s worth noting that these manifestations of jealousy can vary greatly in intensity and frequency. Some daughters might exhibit only mild signs of jealousy, while others might display more extreme behaviors. Understanding these signs is crucial for both mothers and daughters to recognize the issue and take steps towards resolving it.

Impact on Family Dynamics and Relationships

The ripple effects of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother can be far-reaching, impacting not just their immediate relationship but the entire family ecosystem. Like a stone thrown into a pond, the waves of this complex emotion can disturb even the most seemingly stable family dynamics.

First and foremost, the strain on the mother-daughter bond can be immense. What should be a nurturing, supportive relationship can become a battleground of unspoken resentments and hurt feelings. The natural ebb and flow of sharing, caring, and mutual growth that characterizes healthy mother-daughter bonds can be severely disrupted. This strain can lead to emotional distance, communication breakdowns, and a loss of trust between mother and daughter.

But the impact doesn’t stop there. Other family members often find themselves caught in the crossfire of this emotional turmoil. Fathers may feel torn between their wife and daughter, unsure of how to navigate the tension without taking sides. Siblings might feel neglected as the family’s emotional energy becomes consumed by the mother-daughter conflict. In some cases, they may even be pressured to choose sides, further fracturing family unity.

The long-term consequences for the daughter’s personal relationships can be particularly profound. The patterns of jealousy, competition, and resentment learned in the relationship with her mother can spill over into other areas of her life. She may struggle to form healthy relationships with other women, viewing them as potential rivals rather than allies. In romantic relationships, she might grapple with trust issues or constantly compare herself to her partner’s mother, creating unnecessary tension.

Perhaps most insidiously, these patterns of jealousy can become intergenerational. A daughter who has a jealous relationship with her mother may unknowingly pass on these unhealthy dynamics to her own children. This can create a cycle of strained mother-daughter relationships that persists across generations, each woman unwittingly recreating the painful patterns she experienced with her own mother.

It’s crucial to recognize that while the impact of this jealousy can be severe, it’s not insurmountable. With awareness, effort, and often professional help, families can work to break these destructive patterns and forge healthier, more supportive relationships.

Psychological Approaches to Understanding and Addressing the Issue

To truly grasp the complexity of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother, we need to don our psychological detective hats and explore various theoretical perspectives. Each approach offers a unique lens through which we can view this intricate emotional landscape, providing valuable insights for understanding and addressing the issue.

Let’s start with the psychoanalytic perspective, which delves deep into the murky waters of the unconscious mind. This approach, rooted in Freudian theory, might suggest that daughter-mother jealousy is a manifestation of unresolved Oedipal conflicts. The daughter, according to this view, may be unconsciously competing with her mother for her father’s attention and affection. While modern psychology has moved away from such rigid interpretations, this perspective still offers valuable insights into the deep-seated nature of these jealous feelings.

Cognitive-behavioral insights, on the other hand, focus more on the thought patterns and behaviors associated with jealousy. This approach would examine the daughter’s beliefs about herself, her mother, and their relationship. It might identify negative thought patterns or cognitive distortions that fuel jealous feelings. For instance, a daughter might engage in “all-or-nothing” thinking, perceiving her mother as either perfect or terrible, with no middle ground. By recognizing and challenging these thought patterns, the daughter can begin to develop a more balanced and realistic view of her mother and their relationship.

Attachment theory provides yet another valuable perspective on mother-daughter jealousy. This theory, developed by John Bowlby, emphasizes the importance of early bonding experiences in shaping later relationships. A daughter who experienced inconsistent or insecure attachment with her mother in childhood might struggle with jealousy and insecurity in their adult relationship. Understanding these attachment patterns can provide crucial insights into the root causes of jealousy and guide strategies for healing.

The family systems approach broadens our view even further, considering how jealousy fits into the larger family dynamic. This perspective recognizes that individual behaviors and emotions don’t exist in isolation but are part of a complex family system. A daughter’s jealousy towards her mother might be seen as a symptom of broader family issues, such as unclear boundaries, unresolved conflicts, or dysfunctional communication patterns.

Each of these psychological approaches offers valuable tools for understanding and addressing daughter-mother jealousy. By integrating insights from multiple perspectives, we can develop a more comprehensive understanding of this complex issue and craft more effective strategies for resolution.

Strategies for Resolving Mother-Daughter Jealousy

Now that we’ve explored the roots and manifestations of daughter-mother jealousy, it’s time to roll up our sleeves and dive into some practical strategies for resolving this thorny issue. Like untangling a knotted necklace, addressing jealousy requires patience, persistence, and a delicate touch.

First and foremost, open communication is key. It’s crucial for both mother and daughter to create a safe space where they can express their feelings honestly and without fear of judgment. This might involve setting aside dedicated time for heart-to-heart conversations, free from distractions. During these talks, both parties should practice active listening, truly hearing each other’s perspectives without immediately jumping to defend or explain. Remember, the goal is understanding, not winning an argument.

Setting healthy boundaries is another crucial step in resolving jealousy. Both mother and daughter need to recognize and respect each other’s individuality and personal space. This might involve establishing clear guidelines about topics that are off-limits, or agreeing on how much involvement each person should have in the other’s life. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re fences with gates that allow for healthy interaction while maintaining personal autonomy.

In many cases, professional help can be invaluable in navigating the complex terrain of mother-daughter jealousy. Individual therapy can help each person work through their own issues and insecurities, while family therapy can address the dynamics of the relationship itself. Jealousy in child psychology often has roots in early experiences, and a skilled therapist can help uncover and heal these underlying wounds.

Building self-esteem and self-worth is crucial for both mother and daughter. Often, jealousy stems from feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. By focusing on personal growth and self-improvement, both women can develop a stronger sense of self that’s less dependent on comparison or competition with each other. This might involve pursuing hobbies, setting personal goals, or engaging in self-care practices that boost confidence and self-worth.

Finally, fostering mutual respect and appreciation can go a long way in healing a jealousy-strained relationship. Both mother and daughter should make a conscious effort to acknowledge and celebrate each other’s strengths and achievements. This doesn’t mean ignoring problems or pretending everything is perfect. Rather, it’s about cultivating a mindset of gratitude and recognition for the positive aspects of their relationship and each other’s unique qualities.

Remember, resolving mother-daughter jealousy is not a quick fix but a journey. It requires commitment, patience, and often a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about oneself and the relationship. But with persistence and the right strategies, it’s possible to transform a relationship marred by jealousy into one of mutual support and love.

In conclusion, the complex psychology of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother is a challenging terrain to navigate. We’ve explored the root causes, from developmental stages and competition for affection to unresolved childhood issues and societal pressures. We’ve examined the various ways this jealousy can manifest, from subtle criticisms to outright attempts to undermine relationships. We’ve also delved into the far-reaching impact this jealousy can have on family dynamics and personal relationships.

Through the lens of various psychological approaches, we’ve gained a deeper understanding of the intricate emotional landscape that underlies this jealousy. From psychoanalytic insights to cognitive-behavioral strategies, attachment theory to family systems approaches, each perspective offers valuable tools for addressing this issue.

Most importantly, we’ve outlined practical strategies for resolving mother-daughter jealousy, emphasizing the importance of open communication, healthy boundaries, professional help when needed, building self-esteem, and fostering mutual respect and appreciation.

It’s crucial to remember that addressing jealousy in the mother-daughter relationship is not just about fixing a single issue. It’s about laying the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships across all aspects of life. By tackling this challenge head-on, both mothers and daughters can break free from destructive patterns and create a new paradigm of mutual support and understanding.

If you find yourself grappling with jealousy in your mother-daughter relationship, know that you’re not alone. Many women face similar struggles, and there’s no shame in seeking help. Whether through self-help resources, support groups, or professional therapy, taking steps to address this issue can lead to profound personal growth and stronger, more authentic relationships.

Remember, the journey to resolve mother-daughter jealousy may be challenging, but the rewards – a deeper connection, greater self-understanding, and healthier relationships overall – are well worth the effort. After all, the bond between a mother and daughter has the potential to be one of the most beautiful and nurturing relationships in life. By addressing jealousy head-on, you’re not just healing a single relationship; you’re paving the way for generations of healthier, happier mother-daughter bonds.

Neuro Launch



Surviving Father’s Day

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual AbuseLeave a comment

…. When ‘Dear Old Dad’ is not so ‘dear’.

by Timothy Rice MD and Kristian Beesley Ph D

When you have a difficult, or worse, relationship with your dad, Father’s Day can be fraught with anxiety and pain. Unpleasant memories, tension, and varying levels of estrangement take center stage, meanwhile, your friends are celebrating their dads with heartfelt cards and gifts.

Father’s Day, like Mother’s Day, is widely promoted and hard to ignore.

A TV ad asks, “Where will you celebrate Father’s Day?” It showcases a beaming adult son enjoying a meal with his cardigan-graced Dad at the best restaurant in town. People think, “great idea.” However, you instantly recall the time your father yelled at you at a restaurant when you were 12. You remember it well. Your father doesn’t.

An online ad pops up, featuring a woman your age, smiling up at her graying dad and presenting him with a gift. Meanwhile, your own father barely communicates with you and on the rare phone call, he sounds like he’s been drinking, can’t remember the name of your dog, and only talks about how much he and his third wife are enjoying their beach condo. You aren’t planning on sending him a gift because he doesn’t call you on your birthday.

Father’s Day can be rife with pain, despite the media demand for unconditional celebration. But there is hope. If you would like a healthier experience this Father’s Day:

Step 1: Accept your father’s negatives

If you have mixed memories of your father, you may feel pressure (both internally and externally) to brush aside the pain and focus on the positive. But you don’t need to abandon past hurts. Past hurts actually feel more “authentic” to you than those vague, “happy” memories you’re trying hard to resuscitate. Instead of hiding the pain, allow yourself some space to simply not enjoy.

Step 2: Gain perspective on your father’s own experience

After validating the negatives, think about whether your father did his best with what he had available, and place the downsides into the context of his own upbringing and life. Typically, we view our fathers as authorities. Yet, every father is really just another person like the rest of us. The late psychoanalyst and social worker Selma Fraiberg promoted the concept of intergenerational transmission of trauma, in which the hurts of parents continue on into their children. While you can feel hurt for the way these ghosts can be passed down, take into context that the struggle you may have had with your father is the same struggle he may have had with his own parents.

Step 3: Acknowledge your father’s positives

While you should acknowledge and accept your father’s negatives, an important step to a healthier Father’s Day is to also find the positives, no matter how small. Did you learn an important lesson from your father? Can you recall any warm feelings you shared with your dad? Did he have a particular talent you admire? One important developmental task of adulthood is to live with appreciation and disappointment side by side; bring light to your bag of mixed emotions. Give yourself some credit and permit yourself to feel both good and bad at the same time.

Step 4: Do something, maybe even give your dad a call

Father’s Day is well set up for new beginnings. Take the opportunity to share something loving with your father, without internally feeling the need to do injustice to your own complex feelings.

If your father lives nearby, perhaps send him an email to invite him for coffee. If you’re states away, set up a time to talk with him via phone or Facetime. Or, if it feels comfortable, pick up the phone and just call on Father’s Day. If you do connect, say hello, and share whatever you are feeling.

Reflect on the negatives, recognize that you are entitled to your feelings, and allow yourself the space to feel a range of feelings. You need not experience only the positive. Allow yourself to connect, say hello, and just accept whatever you are feeling.

Your father may not respond at all. He may not return your email or answer your call. This may simply be a matter of bad timing but he may be actively stating he does not want to speak. Fathers have their own uncomfortable feelings that arise poignantly on Father’s Day.

What feels right for you

Some people choose to acknowledge their feelings with a mailed letter, a card, or an email. Some may reflect privately. While the holiday is called Father’s Day, it is also a day for the child. Do what feels right for you.

When it helps, share any past hurts with your friends and family in the service of allowing yourself to be open to positivity. If you spend time with your father on this special day, you may actually enjoy it.

For adult children, this is also a time to reflect on what fathering means to us, how we hope to take in these memories, and pass down our memories with our own understanding to those we parent or mentor.

While you may not be truly “celebrating” your father, coming to terms with your relationship is an opportunity.

Psychology Today

The Positive Side of Family Estrangement at Christmas

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

and creating a family ‘of choice’.

Is There A Positive Side to Family Estrangement?

The answer to the above question is a resounding yes. Although, as Annie Wright observes in her article, “Brittle, Broken, Bent: Coping with Family Estrangement,” many consider even approaching the idea that family estrangement can feel good to be against all they believe.

The fact is that family estrangement can mean peace of mind that the survivor hasn’t known their entire life as they become released from the fear and drama that their family of origin has wrought upon them.

There is no doubt that family estrangement is painful, and one needs to grieve, but after a time, it becomes clear that staying away from family means freedom, independence, and safety.

It is far safer for many survivors to remain away from their family of origins because they have been guilted, invalidated, gaslighted, verbally abused, and sometimes risk their physical health being in their presence.

The Best Way to Cope, Finding a Family of Choice

Coping with family estrangement, especially during the holidays, is tough for survivors to face alone. This is why it is vital to find and form a family of choice (FOC). A family of choice offers welcome support to help from people who have your wellbeing at heart.

To be clear, a family of choice need not be a literal family as society sees it. Instead, a FOC can is a group of friends or work acquaintances, anyone who wishes to support you or needs support themselves.

A family of choice doesn’t need to be large; in fact, there are no limitations to the size of a new family. The only requirement is that you gather together as a group of people who have each other’s love and share each other’s burdens. Not only this but at Christmas time, a family of choice will also share the joy the season brings.

Forming a Family of Choice

A family of choice is a group of people who will empower you to build your self-esteem and with whom you can celebrate your life. But how do you create a family of choice? While choosing a different family to spend your time with other than your original may seem overwhelming, doing so can bring the peace of mind and joy you’ve missed all your life.

The easiest way to begin is to look at those around you. Sit down and think about the people in your life who mean the most to you, including friends, acquaintances, work relationships, and associates at your place of worship.

Once you’ve identified who you might include in your family of choice, begin to share your life with them and to show how much you care for them. You might ask the people you have identified to be your family of choice offering your support and love in return.

Be cautious not to overwhelm people or to choose people that echo the terrible behaviors of your family of origin. It would be too easy to fall prey to folks who do not deserve to be your family of choice if you are not careful because survivors, like all humans, tend to go with what they know.

The Advantages of Having a Family of Choice

No matter what, the advantages of having a family of choice when your family of origin is toxic are enormous. Having someone to stand beside you through thick and thin, when you feel lost, or when you are enjoying an accomplishment is incalculable in its value.

There are at least six advantages to having a family of choice, including those listed below.

  • A family of choice will make their relationships with you a high priority and not let you down. They will not make you feel guilty, show you dispassion, or ignore your needs.
  • A family of choice will spend time with you talking about issues both big and small, plus engaging with you so that you feel you have a voice.
  • A family of choice will deliberately seek opportunities to spend time with you. These activities may include shopping and taking a meal together.
  • A family of choice will promote spiritual and emotional wellness. They will believe in you sharing their faith and offer healing actions that show they care. This promotes improved mental health and a chance for spiritual fulfillment as well.
  • A family of choice will appreciate you and show you so whenever you come together with them. They will show you through behaviors, words, and gestures that prove you are worthwhile and that they love being with you.
  • A family of choice is capable of facing times of crisis and stress together coping with difficulties as they happen.

Finding the Positive Side of Family Estrangement by Forming a Family of Choice

Family estrangement is an incredibly painful event to experience alone. By forming a family of choice, you can open your heart and allow someone else to help you conquer the loneliness and disappointment.

Forming a family of choice means allowing others into your life and celebrating their lives with them. It means not being alone during the crisis of family estrangement and trusting someone else to be there for you.

These concepts are challenging for those of us who are survivors and have had horrific experiences with our families of origin. However, to not reach out and form relationships with others, we risk allowing our souls to suffer unimaginable harm that need not happen.

I encourage you to reach out to others around you and share your life with them. Allow them to love you and show you unconditional positive regard and show them your affection freely. After all, a family is a supportive group of people who will lift you up when you are down and celebrate your accomplishments, not necessarily those whose home into which you were born.

We sincerely hope you will include the CPTSD Foundation into your family of choice

“The family is the test of freedom; because the family is the only thing that the free man makes for himself and by himself.” ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

CPTSD Foundation

Signs of a Toxic Daughter

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Barrie Davenport

Image – Imbix Bustle

Mothers tend to see their daughters through the lens of unconditional love instead of owning up to the clear signs of a bad mother-daughter relationship. 

Having a toxic daughter isn’t about assigning blame. 

Understanding a Toxic and Mean Daughter

For every positive trait a mother tries to instill in a daughter, there’s an ugly side. A mother who spoils a child could be furiously complaining, “My daughter treats me with contempt!”

Let’s start with the obvious: you are not a bad mom. You did the best you could with what information you had. But where is all that toxicity coming from? 

Mental Health Issues: One in five adults lives with a mental illness. 20% of children with ADHD are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all until adulthood. A chemical imbalance in the brain could be a sickness wrongly identified as toxic.

Independence: Mothers struggle to balance raising an independent child and “helicopter parenting” their kids. A daughter who feels she doesn’t have the space to grow on her own will resent her mother for getting in the way.

Friendship vs. Parenting: Mothers who try to be their daughter’s best friend are bad at establishing boundaries. This sends the daughter into the adult world feeling entitled to whatever she wants

Neglect: A child who doesn’t think their needs are being met or their cries for help aren’t heard can resent their parents.

13 Heartbreaking Toxic Daughter Signs

Approach this list with an open mind and a place of self-awareness. Some toxic habits could’ve been learned in your home, while others could be societal influences.

Then there’s the generational gap that always fuels a fiery relationship. These are not excuses. These are discussion points. 

1. She’s Immature

The 18th birthday only makes you an adult in the eyes of the law. Turning 21 doesn’t have a magic transition to a fully independent adult, either.

The more your teenager relied on you for guidance, finances, and life skills, the more she will depend on that into adulthood. 

If she’s coming to you with the expectation you will still do things for her, despite your efforts to teach, she’s in toxic trouble that will impact every corner of her life. 

2. She Likes Someone Else’s Mom Better

Whether it’s her new mother-in-law or the mother of her best friend, toxic daughters can make their own mothers feel like crap when they are constantly praising another mother.

While you are left with memories of staying awake with her seven nights straight when she had the flu, she wishes you were more stylish “like Jessica’s mom.”

When a daughter is directly or indirectly comparing you to someone else, you really need to figure out the line between your sensitivity and her toxicity. 

3. She’s Bossy

We know, we know – calling someone “bossy” isn’t politically correct anymore. It feels like such a betrayal when you raised a daughter to have a strong voice, and now she’s telling you what to do like you’re a hired helper.

As with any pushy, bossy, or dominating personality, you control how much they get away with it. 

When toxic levels of pushiness extend to disrespecting wait staff, parking attendants, or strangers in public, you’ll really see how she lacks respect and empathy for other people. 

4. She’s Obsessed with Herself

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said, “I’m so glad social media wasn’t around when I was a teenager!” When your daughter is too focused on herself, she won’t care who she hurts along the way to the next selfie.

She can even twist that pushiness and immaturity onto you as she tears down your makeup routine or fashion choices.

Self-obsession can be formed in childhood with constant praise from parents and the social circle that demanded a picture-perfect lifestyle. Extremely toxic egotistical daughters will even tear others down to put themselves higher on their own pedestal.

5. She Plays You Against Your Husband or Ex

A daughter who uses her manipulative techniques to get her way can play one parent off the other. She might outright call you on the carpet in front of your hubby or secretly tell her dad that you are being mean to her. 

Keep in mind your daughter has built up this practice over the years, and it’s not a trait that will go away on its own. 

Toxic goes into overload when she outright tells you she likes her dad/mum or step-dad/step-mum better than you.

She might even treat you poorly while praising your husband, making you wonder if you did something wrong.

6. She Doesn’t Respond to You

It’s been days, and your daughter hasn’t called or texted you back. You are torn between being hurt and wondering if this is the start of a Lifetime Movie, “My Daughter Is Missing.” 

She could up the ante by answering the phone when you call with a hefty sigh and demanding you don’t respect her busy schedule.

It’s normal for a daughter not to have the same time to spend with you as she transitions to the adult world. It’s not normal to act like she doesn’t see you in the grocery store.

7. She Got Married and Divorced You

As if your daughter leaving the nest wasn’t hard enough, now she’s married and busier than ever. It’s especially challenging for a mom who spent months planning the wedding with her daughter (if they havent already married without your knowledge). 

A daughter who dismisses a mother after getting married likely lacks empathy and is too self-absorbed to know that it hurts. 

A mother can also have a hard time letting go during this transition. Your new son-in-law could also be more controlling than you realized.

She could be separating herself from the reliance on you and your (awesome) advice. 

8. She Makes You Feel Stupid

The power of the eye rolls when parents ask kids about TikTok could fuel New York City for two days. Toxic daughters have no interest in helping parents learn about trending technology.

They seem to forget how it took them six months to tie their dang shoes while you patiently helped.

A toxic daughter will make no qualms about embarrassing a mother at every opportunity, mostly to make herself look better. If she keeps doing it even when you’ve been honest about how you feel, she’s toxic times two. 

9. She’s Always the Victim

Your daughter comes crying to you that she got fired for “only” being late to work five times in the past month. She might even blame you for not teaching her how to change a flat tire and “she almost died” when her car broke down late at night. 

A mother’s nature is to calm and coddle an upset daughter, but you could just be feeding the beast. She gets extra toxic points if you become the enemy when you disagree with her latest victim volume of social posts. 

10. She’s a Liar

As an adult, your daughter is far beyond claiming her eyes are red because of allergies and not the joint she smoked at a party.

Toxic daughters lie for many reasons – to get their way, to gain an advantage, to play to your sense of guilt, and to avoid talking about a topic. 

Toxic daughters who lie will only keep doing it if it benefits them. By confronting her, you do run the risk of her giving you the silent treatment. 

11. She’s Overly Emotional 

You’ve been given the silent treatment before, so you’re likely not too upset about that. Suppose your daughter’s emotions are always toxic, and every discussion ends with her yelling, crying, or slamming your cabinets.

In that case, she’s definitely lacking respect for you and dealing with some mental health issues. 

You should also examine how often her emotional outbursts get her to manipulate you. You can’t control her reaction, but you can control your response. 

12. She Has an Addictive Personality

Overachieving daughters likely have a knack for becoming obsessed or addicted to the chemical rush of something positive.

That tenacity was great when she was studying for the LSAT, but her addictive behaviours can also lead to eating disorders, substance abuse, and loss of reality. 

Especially if her addictive personality pairs with an overly emotional mindset, you could experience her wrath when you ask simple questions about sudden weight loss or slurred speech. 

13. She Never Apologizes

You’ve likely made some motherhood mistakes that you’ve beaten yourself up over for years.

Mothers are quick to apologize, even if it’s not their direct fault. Toxic daughters feed into this by assuming mom is always to blame and escape any fight without owning up to their role.

Even if your daughter will make up with you after a fight, ensure you get the apology before you part ways. If she refuses to apologize, her toxic trait could be as permanent as that tattoo you don’t know about.

Live Bold and Bloom

Abusive Adult Children and its Effect On Parents

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Sheri McGregor MA

Abusive adult children influence parents’ self-image

Image – Wikihow

Abusive adult children: a scary reflection

Have you ever looked in one of those magnifying mirrors that highlights every imperfection? Fine facial hair looks forest-thick, and skin pores appear as large as craters. But there’s a value in looking closely—even if, as a friend says, “Those magnifying mirrors are scary.”

Whose Mirror?

The perverse opinions of abusive adult children can make parents see themselves in a warped mirror. One that distorts them so much they no longer recognize themselves. This might have happened over time, or overnight.

“All I could see were my failures,” recalls Barbara. “My own daughter told me I ruined her life, and she had a million detailed memories of how I did everything wrong.”

Imagine waking up one day and seeing a monstrosity reflected. That’s how parents can feel when an adult child’s abuse includes blame, accusations, and twisted memories.

In the beginning, Barbara spoke up. “It was as if my daughter woke up one day and had brand new memories,” Barbara explains. “She recounted her life with a black cloud of doom over her head, and the cloud was me.”

Because the vast majority of parents want their children’s happiness above all else, they reevaluate themselves through the son or daughter’s perspective. They’re willing to look at how their choices may have been seen through their child’s eyes. All parents make mistakes. Also, it’s possible a child didn’t understand a parent’s choices, the motivation driving them, or what might have been happening behind the scenes. Those sorts of things can be discussed and worked out by willing parties.

Unfortunately, of the one hundred or more emails I receive from parents of estranged or abusive adult children each week, many of them have tried—unsuccessfully. Barbara certainly did. Offers for mediation, counselling, or to just sit down and talk, have been met with such things as flat-out refusals, silence, or more abusive rants.

Seeing the real you

Many parents are surprised to find that there are so many like them who have suffered from cruelty, abandonment, put-downs, and endless blame. And because it’s a controversial subject, they’ve been afraid to tell anyone for fear of judgment. Or, as is often the case, they’re keeping quiet to protect their adult child’s reputation.

Barbara knew she had done her best. She’s like other parents whose self-image can get lost to a flawed reflection provided repeatedly by abusive adult children. I routinely hear from parents convinced they’re failures, deserving of the pain or abandonment their sons and daughters inflict. After all, they reason, if they were a good mother or father, their children would love them.

They may try everything to maintain a relationship. Barbara’s daughter threatened to keep her grandchildren away, so she walked on eggshells.  “If I said anything out of line, which could be anything depending on her mood, then the tirade would begin.” Eventually, Barbara’s then 36-year old daughter began posting lies on Facebook about her. At the time, Barbara was recovering from surgery. At her breaking point, she replied, publicly asking her daughter why she’d lied. The postings were deleted, but Barbara’s daughter went no-contact. “It wasn’t the first time,” says Barbara. “But it has been the longest estrangement so far.”

With a health scare that became a turning point, Barbara knew she had to make a change. That’s when she began to look for help. But after years of warped opinions from an abusive adult child, she had little self-confidence.  “If I raised this person who turned out to be so cruel, then how could I be a successful mother?” she asks.  “My daughter had reminded me what a failure I was every chance she got.”

Take a closer look.

When suffering parents discover my book, they tell me they’re shocked to read so many experiences that mirror their own. And although it’s sad to know there are so many suffering, the knowledge is also heartening. They’re no longer alone. In reading other parents’ accounts, they get a clearer view. They see themselves in others’ stories, and recognize they were also good parents who did their best.

Once parents have a clearer reflection, they can explore positive changes to help themselves move forward in their own lives. One of the first steps is to look more closely at how much an abusive adult child has affected their lives. The inflicted suffering entails more than sadness and grief. Bitterness, lack of confidence, anger, fear, and anxiety have often crept in. In Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, there are many exercises, and one designed specifically to help with this vital step. Holding the magnifier up to examine changes in themselves is one of the first steps to making positive, concrete plans to regain confidence, find meaning, and happiness again.

Take action.

One woman who found this website and my book after 20 years of grief described her life as a “living death.” Now, she’s glad to have found a way out of the roller-coaster of emotions, the shame and sorrow, and to stop crying and to start celebrating life.

Barbara says it’s too late to reconcile with her daughter. There has been too much heartbreak, and her daughter has refused any sort of counseling or mediation. “I miss my grandchildren,” she says, “but I’m hoping to one day see them again.”

Barbara’s expresses the sentiment of many grandparents who, due to estrangement, have lost touch with precious ones. But I sometimes hear from grandparents who have received their wish. There’s a knock at the door one day, and it’s a grownup grandchild with that same sweet smile, wanting to reconnect. When that happens, you’ll want to be ready, so take care of yourself. As one grandmother recently advised, “Get dressed and put on lipstick every day.”

Don’t wait and hope, mired by inaction that only adds to your grief. You can clean the mirrors of guilt and shame and see yourself for the loving parent you have always been. Like thousands of parents who are learning to accept what they cannot change, and see their goodness again, you can be done with the crying. Take action for yourself and your happiness by reading more of the articles at this site, getting Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children and committing to the included exercises. Subscribe to my email newsletter (below) and take the survey. By taking action, you can be like so many parents who have recovered from the sadness and pain caused by abusive adult children, on-and-off or full-on estrangements. Treasure your life. You can find happiness and meaning again.

Rejected Parent

Complexity of Grief with Estrangement

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious CultsLeave a comment

by Kaytee Gillies

  • The complexity of grief is difficult to describe or understand, especially when it’s a family member one has been estranged from.
  • We have every right to feel sad, angry, resentful, or even guilty, whether the estrangement was our choice or not.
  • When we lose those we were distanced from, the pain is still there. Yet, many do not understand, so it can feel isolating.

Grieving the loss of a parent from whom you were estranged is a very difficult experience. You have the grief that comes from loss and the permanence of death. Death is a very traumatic experience, and that grief can never be replicated or compared. However, the grief that follows when someone has been estranged from a family member or loved one can sometimes feel worse. It is filled with guilt, shame, and a sense of loss—or of grieving what wasn’t there.

With estrangement, there is so much unknown: Some people might struggle with guilt or anger, having wanted a reconciliation, yet they are unable because it is too late. This brings the loss of what could have—and should have— been, coupled with the knowledge of what is unattainable. Many others might struggle with resentment. One client put it perfectly: “I don’t even have the luxury of grieving the loss of my dad because, instead, I’m grieving the loss of who my dad was—and our lack of a healthy relationship.” My client echoed the feelings and sentiments that many others, myself included, have felt.

The questions and judgments from others make it all the more difficult for survivors of estrangement. There are the insensitive and unaware questions or comments such as “But they’re your family; you should have talked to them” or guilt trips such as “Why are you sad? You didn’t talk to them anyway.” To someone who has never been estranged, it’s impossible to understand. To them, it might just seem like a petty argument or disagreement, and they might automatically blame the survivor for their feelings of grief.

Many estrangements are due to traumas, conflict within the family, mental illness, abuse, or other elements that make the relationship difficult—or impossible—to navigate. Too many well-meaning friends will tell you to “just move on,” not knowing that it’s not that simple. Comments like this place the blame for the estrangement on an already vulnerable and often traumatized individual.

Here are five steps to help you navigate the grief experience of losing a parent from whom you were estranged:

Validate and honor your feelings. You have every right to feel sad, angry, resentful, or even guilty. You do not owe anyone an explanation for these feelings, nor do you need permission to feel them. Survivors of family estrangement are often blamed for the estrangement, whether it was your choice or not, and are often made to feel that their feelings aren’t valid with comments such as “Well, you didn’t talk anyway, so it can’t be that hard.”

Negative feelings do not mean you need to act differently. Many survivors feel that negative feelings, specifically guilt, mean we were wrong and that the estrangement was our “fault,” or that there was something we should have done differently. This is not only unfair, but it is also unrealistic. Allow yourself to acknowledge these feelings, but try not to let them gaslight you into thinking your experiences didn’t happen.

Seek support from those who understand. During your grieving process, choose to spend time with those who validate you and your feelings. Whether they are friends, family, support groups, or others who understand, you need people in your corner who are not going to challenge your feelings or make you feel like you have to “prove” your grief, which can make you feel misunderstood and uncomfortable.

Remember that grief is like riding a wave. You will have good days, or even good weeks, when you think you’re all done grieving, only to hear a familiar song or smell a nostalgic smell that brings you right back. Know that this is normal and that it is part of the process.

Seek professional support if needed. Do not be afraid to seek professional support from a therapist. Navigating grief is extremely difficult, especially if there was any sort of dysfunction in the family relationship. Most of my clients have histories of traumatic or dysfunctional families, and the death of a parent or family member does not take that dysfunction away. They still have the unhealthy messages and unhealed traumas to unpack and work through—even more with the addition of grief.

Psychology Today

The Loss of a Father

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Divorce, Family ConcernsLeave a comment

By Pamela Thomas

Image – Etsy.

Here is a list of the 12 essential factors I concluded about father loss:

1. The depth of a woman’s attachment to her father is profound. Whether the relationship was good or bad, long or short, happy or sad, her father has had an enormous impact on her life, and his influence will never end.

2. Fear of abandonment is the hallmark of the fatherless daughter. Directly linked to fear of abandonment are many other emotional problems, including issues with intimacy, sex, trust, commitment, shame, and most of all, anger.

3. Death of a father, because of its finality, is commonly thought to offer closure to a fatherless daughter. This is not necessarily true.

4. Abandonment by a father, if the father is still alive, is commonly thought to offer hope to a fatherless daughter. This is not necessarily true.

5. If your mother coped with strength, intelligence, and empathy toward you after your father’s death or abandonment, the chances are good that you were spared many of the problems faced by fatherless daughters.

6. Stepfathers can be a God-send or a tragedy.

7. Alcoholism is a frequent problem among the mothers, fathers, and stepfathers of fatherless daughters.

8. If, as an adult, you have put together a happy relationship with a husband or partner, you are well on your way toward resolving your father loss issues.

9. Your life would not necessarily have been better if your father had been present in the family; different, certainly, but not necessarily better.

10. You are not responsible for hurts you endured as a child, but you are responsible for your life today. You must rely on yourself.

11. It’s never too late to “find” your dad-and to come to terms with his loss.

12. Coming to terms with the loss of your dad–and forgiving all those who may have let you down– is liberating, freeing you to experience life, love, peace, and happiness.

Based on these findings, it may appear that fatherless daughters are doomed to neurotic, unsatisfied lives. This is hardly the case. Many of the most accomplished women in history and at work in our world today are fatherless daughters.

For example, I was startled to learn how many actresses lost their fathers early in life, including Myrna Loy, Jean Harlow, Bette Davis, Lucille Ball, Angela Lansbury, Julia Roberts, Barbra Streisand, Jodie Foster, Tracy Ullman, Sophia Loren, Rene Russo and Cate Blanchette, to name just a few. Many of these women supported their families single-handedly for their entire lives.

In addition, many women from the world of feminism and politics were or are also fatherless daughters, either the result of death or divorce, including Eleanor Roosevelt, Gloria Steinem, Bella Abzug, Olympia Snow, and Geraldine Ferraro.

Today, as I write this, Sonia Sotomayor, a 54-year-old woman of Puerto Rican descent, raised in the Bronx, New York, became the first person of Hispanic descent to sit as a judge on the Supreme Court of the United States. One pivotal factor in Judge Sotomayor’s personal history is that her father died when was nine,

For me, like Paris Jackson, Judge Sonia Sotomayor is a quintessential face of father loss.

Psychology Today

Sibling Rivalry

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse, Sexual AbuseLeave a comment

Why families need to pay more attention….. by Peg Streep

Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:

“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”

This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favourites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favoured daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.

How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse


KEY POINTS

  • The term “sibling rivalry” can mislead parents, leading them to ignore sibling abuse.
  • Healthy competition requires balance of power between siblings. Parents can contribute by not playing favorites or using competion to criticize.
  • Physical aggression is strikingly common between and among siblings. Surprisingly, it can teach valuable skills when it is mutual or dyadic.
  • Sibling abuse is about power. It is always one-sided.
Obie Fernandez/Unsplash

Source: Obie Fernandez/Unsplash

Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:

“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”

This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favorites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favored daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.

How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse

But, sometimes, a sibling’s verbal abuse isn’t an echo but an act of individual aggression, and it’s sad that parents don’t always recognize it as such and write it off as a function of “sibling rivalry” — a supposedly a “normal” occurrence in families with more than one child.

In his 2012 book Sibling Aggression, Jonathan Caspi noted that this normalization isn’t just limited to laypeople but to professionals as well. He writes that despite a growing body of research which shows otherwise, “the mistaken belief that sibling violence is not harmful normalizes it. Statements such as ‘My brother beat on me and I am fine’ and ‘Boys will be boys’ minimize honest appraisals of possible effects and validate its continued use.” He notes that practitioners too grew up with the same social context—thinking that sibling aggression is normal—and so their judgments about family dynamics are often clouded by their own internalized views. He surmises that this point of view limits research as well. He uses sibling aggression as an umbrella term which encompasses four categories which he arranges in order of effect, going from most mild to severe; in order, they are competition, conflict, violence, and abuse.

Understanding competition between siblings

Healthy competition can motivate and challenge siblings to develop their skills and talents. Famous siblings in sports — the Williams sisters or the Manning brothers — immediately come to mind. But when the aim of the competition is to highlight one sibling’s flaws or inadequacies, competition moves from being inspirational to being hurtful and damaging. (Think about the Jackson Five, their siblings, and their abusive father, for example.) Caspi notes that most of the time, one sibling’s advanced skills don’t damage another’s self-esteem.

Surveying conflict in sibling relationships

Every family experiences some amount of conflict and, as Caspi notes, constructive sibling conflict promotes social and emotional competence, teaches problem-solving, and helps a child hone his or her emotional regulation. My own thought is that, for this to happen, parents have to have modeled and implemented cooperative ways of dealing with disagreements and conflict. In households where verbal abuse is the default, this isn’t going to happen.

But even in a household where constructive behaviour has been modelled, it’s clear that constant negative conflict between siblings can alter the dynamics of a family as well as the sibling relationship.

Is roughhousing violence between siblings?

Caspi notes that the terms sibling violence and sibling abuse are often used interchangeably because they both entail physical and verbal acts that intend to do harm. However, he distinguishes violence from abuse. He writes: “Violence reflects mutual or bidirectional aggression in which both siblings aim to harm each other in a concert of perceived egalitarian relationship.” Sibling physical violence — hitting, biting, pinching, kicking — is astonishingly prevalent; some researchers’ estimates are as high as 96 percent of all families while others put it at 80 percent. But, as Caspi points out, physical violence is very difficult to distinguish from animated roughhousing or even rough-and-tumble play so these numbers may be greatly inflated because of parental confusion about what’s “normal” between siblings and what’s not. Most importantly, research supports Caspi’s contention that this kind of mutual sibling violence doesn’t damage self-esteem.

Some readers will share my initial confusion, reading that this “even-steven” and mutual mano a mano type of violence isn’t necessarily harmful or damaging, but that is what research shows. Let’s consider rough-and-tumble play, for example. Joseph L. Flanders, Vanessa Leo, and their colleagues cite research showing that physically aggressive behaviors are observable as early as 18 months but begin to taper off in most children by age two or three; their study looked at father-child rough-and-tumble play (RTP) to determine whether a father’s behavior influenced a higher incidence of continuing physical aggression in children. It’s widely recognized that fathers play with children differently than mothers do, regardless of gender, and that kids prefer Dad’s style of play over Mom’s.


KEY POINTS

  • The term “sibling rivalry” can mislead parents, leading them to ignore sibling abuse.
  • Healthy competition requires balance of power between siblings. Parents can contribute by not playing favorites or using competion to criticize.
  • Physical aggression is strikingly common between and among siblings. Surprisingly, it can teach valuable skills when it is mutual or dyadic.
  • Sibling abuse is about power. It is always one-sided.
Obie Fernandez/Unsplash

Source: Obie Fernandez/Unsplash

Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:

“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”

This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favorites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favored daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.

How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse

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But, sometimes, a sibling’s verbal abuse isn’t an echo but an act of individual aggression, and it’s sad that parents don’t always recognize it as such and write it off as a function of “sibling rivalry” — a supposedly a “normal” occurrence in families with more than one child.

In his 2012 book Sibling Aggression, Jonathan Caspi noted that this normalization isn’t just limited to laypeople but to professionals as well. He writes that despite a growing body of research which shows otherwise, “the mistaken belief that sibling violence is not harmful normalizes it. Statements such as ‘My brother beat on me and I am fine’ and ‘Boys will be boys’ minimize honest appraisals of possible effects and validate its continued use.” He notes that practitioners too grew up with the same social context—thinking that sibling aggression is normal—and so their judgments about family dynamics are often clouded by their own internalized views. He surmises that this point of view limits research as well. He uses sibling aggression as an umbrella term which encompasses four categories which he arranges in order of effect, going from most mild to severe; in order, they are competition, conflict, violence, and abuse.

Understanding competition between siblings

Healthy competition can motivate and challenge siblings to develop their skills and talents. Famous siblings in sports — the Williams sisters or the Manning brothers — immediately come to mind. But when the aim of the competition is to highlight one sibling’s flaws or inadequacies, competition moves from being inspirational to being hurtful and damaging. (Think about the Jackson Five, their siblings, and their abusive father, for example.) Caspi notes that most of the time, one sibling’s advanced skills don’t damage another’s self-esteem.

Surveying conflict in sibling relationships

Every family experiences some amount of conflict and, as Caspi notes, constructive sibling conflict promotes social and emotional competence, teaches problem-solving, and helps a child hone his or her emotional regulation. My own thought is that, for this to happen, parents have to have modeled and implemented cooperative ways of dealing with disagreements and conflict. In households where verbal abuse is the default, this isn’t going to happen.

But even in a household where constructive behavior has been modeled, it’s clear that constant negative conflict between siblings can alter the dynamics of a family as well as the sibling relationship.

Is roughhousing violence between siblings?

Caspi notes that the terms sibling violence and sibling abuse are often used interchangeably because they both entail physical and verbal acts that intend to do harm. However, he distinguishes violence from abuse. He writes: “Violence reflects mutual or bidirectional aggression in which both siblings aim to harm each other in a concert of perceived egalitarian relationship.” Sibling physical violence — hitting, biting, pinching, kicking — is astonishingly prevalent; some researchers’ estimates are as high as 96 percent of all families while others put it at 80 percent. But, as Caspi points out, physical violence is very difficult to distinguish from animated roughhousing or even rough-and-tumble play so these numbers may be greatly inflated because of parental confusion about what’s “normal” between siblings and what’s not. Most importantly, research supports Caspi’s contention that this kind of mutual sibling violence doesn’t damage self-esteem.

Some readers will share my initial confusion, reading that this “even-steven” and mutual mano a mano type of violence isn’t necessarily harmful or damaging, but that is what research shows. Let’s consider rough-and-tumble play, for example. Joseph L. Flanders, Vanessa Leo, and their colleagues cite research showing that physically aggressive behaviors are observable as early as 18 months but begin to taper off in most children by age two or three; their study looked at father-child rough-and-tumble play (RTP) to determine whether a father’s behavior influenced a higher incidence of continuing physical aggression in children. It’s widely recognized that fathers play with children differently than mothers do, regardless of gender, and that kids prefer Dad’s style of play over Mom’s.

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RTP is characterized by aggressive behaviours such as “wrestling, grappling, jumping, and chasing in a play context.” Fathers often socialize both sons and daughters through this kind of physical play which is associated positively with emotional regulation, self-control, reading emotional cues, and even sensitivity to others. These are important skills for self-development and permit children to negotiate social rules in peer settings with more ease. What Flanders and his team found was that when fathers controlled and set limits during RTP, their children demonstrated lower levels of physical aggression in daily life; in contrast, the children of fathers who didn’t set limits and shucked off dominance were more likely to be more physically aggressive in later life.

So mutual or bi-directional physical aggression actually has its benefits, as counterintuitive as that may seem.

When it’s not mutual, it’s abuse

The distinction that Caspi makes between violence and abuse largely rests on power; if he considers the first to be “bidirectional” or “mutual,” then sibling abuse is “unidirectional hostility where one sibling seeks to overpower the other via a reign of terror and intimidation, and reflects an asymmetrical power arrangement.” The abusive sibling not only wants to humiliate and render the other powerless but he or she is intent on aggrandizing him or herself through the act. Caspi notes four kinds of sibling abuse—physical, sexual, psychological or verbal, and relational—but verbal abuse is by far the most prevalent. Among siblings, verbal abuse includes insults, name-calling, and threats to property. Again, because siblings do chivy for attention in the household, it may be difficult for the parents to distinguish between chivying, an expression of frustration, and verbal abuse which is about dominance.

Beyond sibling rivalry

It’s clear that we need to retire the term. If you’re an adult who experienced sibling abuse but have rationalized or downplayed it, now’s the time to stop and reflect on its effects. Speak out. You may get pushback because families guard their narratives fiercely but it’s time you stepped out of the role assigned you, whether that’s the “sensitive one” or “the wuss.”

If you’re a parent of siblings, pay close attention to not just your behaviours but theirs. Step in if necessary.

Psychology Today