Tag: love

The Cultural Story Behind Family Estrangement

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Rachel Haack MA MFTI

1. Postmodernism and Critical Theory in the Family System

Postmodernism taught us to question authority and dismantle universal truths. Critical theory taught us to look for oppression and power in every relationship. Both were useful lenses at first, until they became the only lenses.

Today, these frameworks have trickled all the way down into the family, where dynamics are no longer just relational but political.
Parents are recast as oppressors. Children as liberators. Love becomes suspect, and forgiveness looks like betrayal of the self.

Books like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and online influencers preaching “go no contact” have popularized this moral framework of hierarchy and harm. Once you interpret ordinary imperfection through a lens of oppression, the only moral response becomes disconnection.

2. Social Contagion and the Amplification of Ideas

Before smartphones, ideas spread through communities slowly: by conversation, print, and lived experience. Now they spread virally, without friction or context.

We’ve seen social contagions before: diagnostic trends like “multiple personality disorder” in the 1980s or the surge of “recovered memories.” Today, similar dynamics are playing out around “toxic parents,” “narcissistic mothers,” and “cutoff as healing.”

On TikTok and Instagram, creators share stories of liberation from their families, often rewarded with validation and applause. The more sensational the story, the more viral it becomes. And soon, estrangement itself, especially “no contact”, becomes not just a coping choice but a cultural script.

3. The Portable, Always-Connected World

In 1960, a college student might have called home once a month (collect!).
Letters were the norm. Distance was assumed. Love wasn’t measured in response time.

Now, the digital tether has changed our expectations entirely. Parents and adult children can be in contact multiple times a day, and when they’re not, it feels like something’s wrong.

This 24/7 accessibility has raised the relational temperature for everyone. We’re over-connected, overstimulated, and overwhelmed. Most adults are managing hundreds of micro-relationships through text, email, and social media. The guilt of not keeping up, of failing to “stay in touch”, becomes exhausting. And sometimes, that guilt turns into avoidance or conflict.

We’re living in what I call the age of too much para-connection, where everyone feels both crowded and lonely.

4. Concept Creep, Safetyism, and the Pathologizing of Discomfort

Over the past decade, psychological language has exploded into everyday conversation. Words that once had clinical meaning: trauma, abuse, narcissism, gaslighting, boundaries – are now used casually to describe any form of emotional pain or frustration. Psychologists Nick Haslam and Jonathan Haidt have called this phenomenon concept creep: when the definitions of harm and trauma expand to include ordinary stress, discomfort, and disagreement.

At the same time, a new cultural ideal has emerged, what Haidt and Greg Lukianoff call safetyism. Safety, once meaning freedom from physical danger, now includes freedom from emotional discomfort. To be “safe” means to never feel hurt, anxious, or misunderstood.

This shift sounds compassionate, but it has quietly redefined what we consider harmful. Normal friction in relationships: differences in temperament, misunderstanding, conflict, even the enduring “perpetual problems” that exist in every long-term bond – are now reinterpreted as forms of emotional danger.

When discomfort itself is seen as harm, repair begins to look like self-betrayal. Rather than learning tolerance for relational tension, we pathologize it. And soon, the ordinary pain of loving another imperfect human being starts to feel like something we must protect ourselves from, rather than something we can grow through.

5. The Reinforcement Loop: How Therapy Culture Confirms the Cutoff

This new sensitivity to harm is reinforced by the professionals and influencers shaping our public conversations about relationships. The dominant narrative says that no one cuts off contact with a parent without perfectly good reasons. The logic goes like this: because estrangement feels so unthinkable, it must also be justified.

Therapists and creators often tell their audiences, “You’ve done everything you could,” or “No one goes no contact lightly.” The implicit message is that disconnection is the only rational or healthy conclusion to a long-standing relationship problem.

In clinical spaces, this message is amplified by a moral pressure that runs deep in the helping professions. To challenge a client’s decision to cut off contact is framed as “causing harm.” To explore reconciliation is seen as enabling abuse. Therapists are warned that if we don’t affirm a client’s self-protective decisions, we risk becoming “excusers of abusers.” I receive messages such as “Yikes. This is dangerous.” to an instagram post addressing the nuance of estrangement.

Naturally, that strikes fear into the heart of any well-meaning clinician who wants to do right by their client. To imagine that our empathy could itself cause harm is paralyzing. And so, out of caution, many practitioners stop short of exploring repair or differentiation, even when disconnection may be premature or unnecessary.

What results is a therapeutic culture that affirms estrangement as inherently empowering: but rarely asks whether empowerment might also come from growth, dialogue, or courage in the face of discomfort.

6. The “Pure Relationship” and the Consumer Self

Sociologist Anthony Giddens coined the term the pure relationship—the belief that a relationship’s legitimacy depends on emotional satisfaction alone. It should be warm, mutually beneficial, and affirming at all times.

That idea, combined with our culture’s obsession with optimization, has quietly reshaped our relational ethics. We now evaluate our relationships the way we evaluate products: Does this still serve me? Does this make me happy?

When something feels hard, the impulse isn’t to repair, it’s to replace.
We live in a hyper-individualistic, portable, meritocratic, consumer world. We can move cities, change jobs, and find new communities with a swipe. The result is a growing inability to tolerate the inevitable discomforts of enduring relationships: the very tensions that make us grow up, soften, and mature. We don’t have to learn to live within our village: we can find a new one instead.

Estrangement, in this context, isn’t just a breakdown of love; it’s the logical conclusion of a culture that has made comfort and self-expression the highest virtues.

7. Luxury Beliefs and the New Village of One

Sociologist Rob Henderson coined the term luxury beliefs to describe ideas that signal social status but often carry hidden costs for others. In this context, the belief that cutting off “toxic” family members is always healthy functions like a luxury belief: it’s most easily embraced by those who can afford to lose their families and replace them (often with paid support networks).

Many modern cutoffs occur in families with greater resources, where autonomy is financially feasible. Our standard of living has made it possible to outsource almost every form of relational interdependence. We no longer need the messy village of extended family to survive; we can simply hire one.

If our in-law is irritating, we can pay for childcare.
If our mother’s help feels overwhelming, we can hire a postpartum doula.
If a relationship feels complicated, we can opt for convenience.

In this way, affluence enables avoidance. It allows us to curate our social lives around comfort and control rather than tolerance and reciprocity. The more economically independent we become, the less dependent we are on the people who stretch us.

And sometimes, that independence itself is a gift handed down from the very family being rejected. Many of the young adults now severing ties with parents do so after those same parents helped fund their education, co-signed their first lease, or quietly absorbed the cost of early adulthood. The support that made autonomy possible is later reinterpreted as control. Once financial reliance ends, the relationship can be rewritten through the language of freedom: They can’t control me anymore.

It’s a striking irony of privilege—the estrangement enabled by security. When you no longer need your family to survive, you also lose the incentive to work through what makes them difficult. And so, we drift further into what might be called the luxury of disconnection—a life where we can meet nearly all our needs without ever having to practice forgiveness, patience, or repair.

8. So What Do We Do With All This?

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by all of this, to feel like you’re standing in the tide of something too large to resist. You can’t fight the world. You can’t change a culture on your own. You can’t go to battle against the zeitgeist without burning out in despair.

So here’s what I suggest: When things feel big, focus on the small.

You don’t have to fix the world. What we can do is adapt: by creating small, consistent acts of connection with those closest to us. Reorient to your values and live them out in the relationships right in front of you.

If you’re disheartened by the fact that we live in an individualistic, portable, meritocratic, consumer world, start by noticing where that shows up in your own relationships. Begin to reclaim the village around you.

  • Can you stay in relationship when it’s hard?
  • Can you practice forgiveness even when it isn’t reciprocated?
  • Who are you quick to write off—and who might you reach out to instead?

Nobody changes by being lectured into connection. We learn by observation and osmosis. Culture shifts not through argument, but through example.

So ask yourself:

  • Am I making it easier or harder for people to connect with me?
  • Do people feel seen in my presence?
  • Is there one small thing I can do differently in this relationship today?

That’s how change happens—not through revolution, but through micro-shifts. We don’t have to fix a generation or a cultural moment. We just need to live our values with quiet conviction in a world that spins around us.

Because while you can’t stop the tide, you can build something steady enough to stand in it.

 If this resonated with you, share it with someone who’s also trying to make sense of our disconnected age. The more we talk about it—and live differently inside it—the more repair becomes possible. Also, please consider becoming a paid subscriber, as it allows me to keep offering my articles for free to those in need. Thank you!

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A Daughter’s Jealousy of her Mother

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Unravelling the complex psychology by Neuro Launch Editorial Team.

A daughter’s jealousy towards her mother is a complex emotional quagmire that can shatter the very foundation of their relationship, leaving both women grappling with the painful aftermath. This intricate psychological phenomenon is far more common than many realize, silently wreaking havoc on countless mother-daughter bonds across the globe. As we delve into the murky waters of this familial struggle, we’ll uncover the hidden currents that drive this jealousy and explore the ripple effects it has on the entire family unit.

The green-eyed monster of jealousy doesn’t discriminate based on age or relationship status. It can rear its ugly head in the most unexpected places, even within the sacred bond between a mother and her daughter. This particular brand of envy is a unique beast, often rooted in a complex web of emotions, experiences, and unmet needs that have been festering for years, if not decades.

To truly grasp the gravity of this issue, we must first acknowledge its prevalence. While exact statistics are hard to come by (after all, who readily admits to being jealous of their own mother?), anecdotal evidence and clinical observations suggest that daughter-mother jealousy is far from rare. It’s a silent epidemic that often goes unspoken, hidden behind forced smiles and tense family gatherings.

Understanding the underlying psychology of this jealousy is crucial not only for the individuals directly involved but for the health of the entire family system. The mother-daughter relationship is often considered one of the most influential and formative bonds in a person’s life. When jealousy infiltrates this relationship, it can have far-reaching consequences that extend well beyond the two individuals involved.

Before we dive deeper, it’s worth briefly touching on the concept of the Electra complex, a psychological theory that provides some context for understanding daughter-mother jealousy. Coined by Carl Jung, this theory suggests that young girls may develop an unconscious attraction to their fathers and rivalry with their mothers. While modern psychology has largely moved away from such rigid interpretations, the concept still offers a useful framework for exploring the complex dynamics at play in mother-daughter relationships.

Root Causes of Daughter’s Jealousy Towards Mother

To truly unravel the tangled web of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother, we need to examine the various threads that contribute to this complex emotion. Like a tapestry woven from different coloured yarns, each strand represents a unique factor that, when combined, creates the full picture of this psychological phenomenon.

One of the primary threads in this tapestry is the developmental stages and psychological theories that underpin human growth and relationships. As children progress through various stages of development, their relationship with their parents naturally evolves. For daughters, the mother often serves as both a role model and a source of comparison. This dual role can sometimes lead to feelings of inadequacy or competition, especially during adolescence and early adulthood when daughters are struggling to establish their own identities.

Another crucial thread is the competition for attention and affection, particularly within the family unit. In some cases, daughters may feel that they’re constantly vying for their father’s attention, with their mother as the perceived “rival.” This dynamic can be especially pronounced in families where the father is emotionally distant or where the mother-father relationship is particularly strong. The daughter may feel left out or overshadowed, leading to feelings of jealousy towards her mother.

Unresolved childhood issues form yet another significant strand in this complex weave. Early experiences of neglect, favoritism towards siblings, or perceived lack of maternal warmth can leave lasting scars that manifest as jealousy in adulthood. These unresolved issues can fester over time, coloring the daughter’s perception of her mother and their relationship.

Lastly, we can’t ignore the thread of the mother’s perceived success or attractiveness. In a society that often pits women against each other and places a high value on youth and beauty, daughters may find themselves feeling inadequate when comparing themselves to their mothers. This is particularly true if the mother is seen as successful, attractive, or accomplished in areas where the daughter feels she falls short.

It’s important to note that these root causes often intertwine and overlap, creating a complex psychological landscape that can be challenging to navigate. Understanding these underlying factors is crucial for both mothers and daughters seeking to address and overcome feelings of jealousy.

Signs and Manifestations of Daughter’s Jealousy

Jealousy, like a chameleon, can take on many forms and hues. When it comes to a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother, the manifestations can range from subtle to glaringly obvious. Recognizing these signs is the first step towards addressing the issue and healing the relationship.

One of the most common ways jealousy rears its head is through verbal and non-verbal expressions. A jealous daughter might make snide remarks about her mother’s appearance, achievements, or relationships. These comments often come disguised as “jokes” or backhanded compliments, leaving the mother feeling confused and hurt. Non-verbally, a daughter might roll her eyes, sigh heavily, or display other body language that conveys disapproval or resentment towards her mother.

Competitive behavior and one-upmanship are also telltale signs of underlying jealousy. The daughter might constantly try to outdo her mother, whether it’s in terms of career achievements, personal relationships, or even something as trivial as cooking skills. This constant need to prove herself “better” than her mother often stems from deep-seated insecurities and a desire for validation.

In more severe cases, a jealous daughter might attempt to undermine her mother’s relationships. This could involve trying to drive a wedge between her mother and father, or sabotaging her mother’s friendships. The daughter might spread gossip, reveal secrets, or manipulate situations to make her mother look bad in the eyes of others. This behaviour is particularly destructive as it not only damages the mother-daughter relationship but also affects the entire family dynamic.

Excessive criticism or resentment towards the mother is another clear indicator of jealousy. The daughter might find fault with everything her mother does, from her parenting style to her choice of clothes. This constant criticism often masks the daughter’s own insecurities and serves as a defense mechanism to protect her fragile self-esteem.

It’s worth noting that these manifestations of jealousy can vary greatly in intensity and frequency. Some daughters might exhibit only mild signs of jealousy, while others might display more extreme behaviors. Understanding these signs is crucial for both mothers and daughters to recognize the issue and take steps towards resolving it.

Impact on Family Dynamics and Relationships

The ripple effects of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother can be far-reaching, impacting not just their immediate relationship but the entire family ecosystem. Like a stone thrown into a pond, the waves of this complex emotion can disturb even the most seemingly stable family dynamics.

First and foremost, the strain on the mother-daughter bond can be immense. What should be a nurturing, supportive relationship can become a battleground of unspoken resentments and hurt feelings. The natural ebb and flow of sharing, caring, and mutual growth that characterizes healthy mother-daughter bonds can be severely disrupted. This strain can lead to emotional distance, communication breakdowns, and a loss of trust between mother and daughter.

But the impact doesn’t stop there. Other family members often find themselves caught in the crossfire of this emotional turmoil. Fathers may feel torn between their wife and daughter, unsure of how to navigate the tension without taking sides. Siblings might feel neglected as the family’s emotional energy becomes consumed by the mother-daughter conflict. In some cases, they may even be pressured to choose sides, further fracturing family unity.

The long-term consequences for the daughter’s personal relationships can be particularly profound. The patterns of jealousy, competition, and resentment learned in the relationship with her mother can spill over into other areas of her life. She may struggle to form healthy relationships with other women, viewing them as potential rivals rather than allies. In romantic relationships, she might grapple with trust issues or constantly compare herself to her partner’s mother, creating unnecessary tension.

Perhaps most insidiously, these patterns of jealousy can become intergenerational. A daughter who has a jealous relationship with her mother may unknowingly pass on these unhealthy dynamics to her own children. This can create a cycle of strained mother-daughter relationships that persists across generations, each woman unwittingly recreating the painful patterns she experienced with her own mother.

It’s crucial to recognize that while the impact of this jealousy can be severe, it’s not insurmountable. With awareness, effort, and often professional help, families can work to break these destructive patterns and forge healthier, more supportive relationships.

Psychological Approaches to Understanding and Addressing the Issue

To truly grasp the complexity of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother, we need to don our psychological detective hats and explore various theoretical perspectives. Each approach offers a unique lens through which we can view this intricate emotional landscape, providing valuable insights for understanding and addressing the issue.

Let’s start with the psychoanalytic perspective, which delves deep into the murky waters of the unconscious mind. This approach, rooted in Freudian theory, might suggest that daughter-mother jealousy is a manifestation of unresolved Oedipal conflicts. The daughter, according to this view, may be unconsciously competing with her mother for her father’s attention and affection. While modern psychology has moved away from such rigid interpretations, this perspective still offers valuable insights into the deep-seated nature of these jealous feelings.

Cognitive-behavioral insights, on the other hand, focus more on the thought patterns and behaviors associated with jealousy. This approach would examine the daughter’s beliefs about herself, her mother, and their relationship. It might identify negative thought patterns or cognitive distortions that fuel jealous feelings. For instance, a daughter might engage in “all-or-nothing” thinking, perceiving her mother as either perfect or terrible, with no middle ground. By recognizing and challenging these thought patterns, the daughter can begin to develop a more balanced and realistic view of her mother and their relationship.

Attachment theory provides yet another valuable perspective on mother-daughter jealousy. This theory, developed by John Bowlby, emphasizes the importance of early bonding experiences in shaping later relationships. A daughter who experienced inconsistent or insecure attachment with her mother in childhood might struggle with jealousy and insecurity in their adult relationship. Understanding these attachment patterns can provide crucial insights into the root causes of jealousy and guide strategies for healing.

The family systems approach broadens our view even further, considering how jealousy fits into the larger family dynamic. This perspective recognizes that individual behaviors and emotions don’t exist in isolation but are part of a complex family system. A daughter’s jealousy towards her mother might be seen as a symptom of broader family issues, such as unclear boundaries, unresolved conflicts, or dysfunctional communication patterns.

Each of these psychological approaches offers valuable tools for understanding and addressing daughter-mother jealousy. By integrating insights from multiple perspectives, we can develop a more comprehensive understanding of this complex issue and craft more effective strategies for resolution.

Strategies for Resolving Mother-Daughter Jealousy

Now that we’ve explored the roots and manifestations of daughter-mother jealousy, it’s time to roll up our sleeves and dive into some practical strategies for resolving this thorny issue. Like untangling a knotted necklace, addressing jealousy requires patience, persistence, and a delicate touch.

First and foremost, open communication is key. It’s crucial for both mother and daughter to create a safe space where they can express their feelings honestly and without fear of judgment. This might involve setting aside dedicated time for heart-to-heart conversations, free from distractions. During these talks, both parties should practice active listening, truly hearing each other’s perspectives without immediately jumping to defend or explain. Remember, the goal is understanding, not winning an argument.

Setting healthy boundaries is another crucial step in resolving jealousy. Both mother and daughter need to recognize and respect each other’s individuality and personal space. This might involve establishing clear guidelines about topics that are off-limits, or agreeing on how much involvement each person should have in the other’s life. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re fences with gates that allow for healthy interaction while maintaining personal autonomy.

In many cases, professional help can be invaluable in navigating the complex terrain of mother-daughter jealousy. Individual therapy can help each person work through their own issues and insecurities, while family therapy can address the dynamics of the relationship itself. Jealousy in child psychology often has roots in early experiences, and a skilled therapist can help uncover and heal these underlying wounds.

Building self-esteem and self-worth is crucial for both mother and daughter. Often, jealousy stems from feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. By focusing on personal growth and self-improvement, both women can develop a stronger sense of self that’s less dependent on comparison or competition with each other. This might involve pursuing hobbies, setting personal goals, or engaging in self-care practices that boost confidence and self-worth.

Finally, fostering mutual respect and appreciation can go a long way in healing a jealousy-strained relationship. Both mother and daughter should make a conscious effort to acknowledge and celebrate each other’s strengths and achievements. This doesn’t mean ignoring problems or pretending everything is perfect. Rather, it’s about cultivating a mindset of gratitude and recognition for the positive aspects of their relationship and each other’s unique qualities.

Remember, resolving mother-daughter jealousy is not a quick fix but a journey. It requires commitment, patience, and often a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about oneself and the relationship. But with persistence and the right strategies, it’s possible to transform a relationship marred by jealousy into one of mutual support and love.

In conclusion, the complex psychology of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother is a challenging terrain to navigate. We’ve explored the root causes, from developmental stages and competition for affection to unresolved childhood issues and societal pressures. We’ve examined the various ways this jealousy can manifest, from subtle criticisms to outright attempts to undermine relationships. We’ve also delved into the far-reaching impact this jealousy can have on family dynamics and personal relationships.

Through the lens of various psychological approaches, we’ve gained a deeper understanding of the intricate emotional landscape that underlies this jealousy. From psychoanalytic insights to cognitive-behavioral strategies, attachment theory to family systems approaches, each perspective offers valuable tools for addressing this issue.

Most importantly, we’ve outlined practical strategies for resolving mother-daughter jealousy, emphasizing the importance of open communication, healthy boundaries, professional help when needed, building self-esteem, and fostering mutual respect and appreciation.

It’s crucial to remember that addressing jealousy in the mother-daughter relationship is not just about fixing a single issue. It’s about laying the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships across all aspects of life. By tackling this challenge head-on, both mothers and daughters can break free from destructive patterns and create a new paradigm of mutual support and understanding.

If you find yourself grappling with jealousy in your mother-daughter relationship, know that you’re not alone. Many women face similar struggles, and there’s no shame in seeking help. Whether through self-help resources, support groups, or professional therapy, taking steps to address this issue can lead to profound personal growth and stronger, more authentic relationships.

Remember, the journey to resolve mother-daughter jealousy may be challenging, but the rewards – a deeper connection, greater self-understanding, and healthier relationships overall – are well worth the effort. After all, the bond between a mother and daughter has the potential to be one of the most beautiful and nurturing relationships in life. By addressing jealousy head-on, you’re not just healing a single relationship; you’re paving the way for generations of healthier, happier mother-daughter bonds.

Neuro Launch



Surviving Father’s Day

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual AbuseLeave a comment

…. When ‘Dear Old Dad’ is not so ‘dear’.

by Timothy Rice MD and Kristian Beesley Ph D

When you have a difficult, or worse, relationship with your dad, Father’s Day can be fraught with anxiety and pain. Unpleasant memories, tension, and varying levels of estrangement take center stage, meanwhile, your friends are celebrating their dads with heartfelt cards and gifts.

Father’s Day, like Mother’s Day, is widely promoted and hard to ignore.

A TV ad asks, “Where will you celebrate Father’s Day?” It showcases a beaming adult son enjoying a meal with his cardigan-graced Dad at the best restaurant in town. People think, “great idea.” However, you instantly recall the time your father yelled at you at a restaurant when you were 12. You remember it well. Your father doesn’t.

An online ad pops up, featuring a woman your age, smiling up at her graying dad and presenting him with a gift. Meanwhile, your own father barely communicates with you and on the rare phone call, he sounds like he’s been drinking, can’t remember the name of your dog, and only talks about how much he and his third wife are enjoying their beach condo. You aren’t planning on sending him a gift because he doesn’t call you on your birthday.

Father’s Day can be rife with pain, despite the media demand for unconditional celebration. But there is hope. If you would like a healthier experience this Father’s Day:

Step 1: Accept your father’s negatives

If you have mixed memories of your father, you may feel pressure (both internally and externally) to brush aside the pain and focus on the positive. But you don’t need to abandon past hurts. Past hurts actually feel more “authentic” to you than those vague, “happy” memories you’re trying hard to resuscitate. Instead of hiding the pain, allow yourself some space to simply not enjoy.

Step 2: Gain perspective on your father’s own experience

After validating the negatives, think about whether your father did his best with what he had available, and place the downsides into the context of his own upbringing and life. Typically, we view our fathers as authorities. Yet, every father is really just another person like the rest of us. The late psychoanalyst and social worker Selma Fraiberg promoted the concept of intergenerational transmission of trauma, in which the hurts of parents continue on into their children. While you can feel hurt for the way these ghosts can be passed down, take into context that the struggle you may have had with your father is the same struggle he may have had with his own parents.

Step 3: Acknowledge your father’s positives

While you should acknowledge and accept your father’s negatives, an important step to a healthier Father’s Day is to also find the positives, no matter how small. Did you learn an important lesson from your father? Can you recall any warm feelings you shared with your dad? Did he have a particular talent you admire? One important developmental task of adulthood is to live with appreciation and disappointment side by side; bring light to your bag of mixed emotions. Give yourself some credit and permit yourself to feel both good and bad at the same time.

Step 4: Do something, maybe even give your dad a call

Father’s Day is well set up for new beginnings. Take the opportunity to share something loving with your father, without internally feeling the need to do injustice to your own complex feelings.

If your father lives nearby, perhaps send him an email to invite him for coffee. If you’re states away, set up a time to talk with him via phone or Facetime. Or, if it feels comfortable, pick up the phone and just call on Father’s Day. If you do connect, say hello, and share whatever you are feeling.

Reflect on the negatives, recognize that you are entitled to your feelings, and allow yourself the space to feel a range of feelings. You need not experience only the positive. Allow yourself to connect, say hello, and just accept whatever you are feeling.

Your father may not respond at all. He may not return your email or answer your call. This may simply be a matter of bad timing but he may be actively stating he does not want to speak. Fathers have their own uncomfortable feelings that arise poignantly on Father’s Day.

What feels right for you

Some people choose to acknowledge their feelings with a mailed letter, a card, or an email. Some may reflect privately. While the holiday is called Father’s Day, it is also a day for the child. Do what feels right for you.

When it helps, share any past hurts with your friends and family in the service of allowing yourself to be open to positivity. If you spend time with your father on this special day, you may actually enjoy it.

For adult children, this is also a time to reflect on what fathering means to us, how we hope to take in these memories, and pass down our memories with our own understanding to those we parent or mentor.

While you may not be truly “celebrating” your father, coming to terms with your relationship is an opportunity.

Psychology Today

Valentines Day and Mental Health

On By LaetitiaIn Divorce, Family Concerns, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, SuicideLeave a comment

by Diane Young

If the festive romance and scent of mass-produced flowers on February 14th leave you feeling more blue than rosy, you’re not alone. Here’s why, according to an expert. 

Valentine’s Day, with its hearts, roses, and romantic gestures, is often hailed as a celebration of love and affection. 

However, for many of us, the pressures and expectations associated with this day can contribute to stress, anxiety, frustration, disappointment and feelings of loneliness and even despair. 

Valentine’s Day can be a day of pain, sadness and hurt as we watch couples display affection, treat each other and exchange gifts. 

It can trigger us, impact our self-worth, make us feel more alone or like there is something wrong with us. This is especially common for those of us who have an addiction to being in love with being in love or avoidance in our intimate relationships and friendships.

The pressure of perfection

One of the primary reasons Valentine’s Day can be detrimental to our mental health is the societal pressure to create a perfect romantic experience. From elaborate dates to expensive gifts, the day is often portrayed as a benchmark for measuring the depth of one’s love. 

The fear of falling short of these high expectations can lead to stress and anxiety, as individuals strive to meet an unrealistic standard set by society. Seeing social media posts of gigantic bunches of flowers, romantic picnics, expensive dinner dates and seemingly flawless relationships on platforms like Instagram and Facebook can trigger feelings of inadequacy and comparison. 

This digital comparison game can exacerbate anxiety and self-doubt, leading individuals to question the validity of their own relationships or their worth if they are not part of a romantic celebration. It can also lead to disappointment and frustration, creating tension within normally healthy relationships and negatively affecting mental health.

Loneliness can be amplified

While Valentine’s Day is marketed as a day for couples and secret lovers, it can be an isolating experience for those who are single, recently separated or divorced, or those grieving the loss of a loved one. The emphasis on romantic relationships during this time can intensify feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. 

Single individuals may find themselves questioning their worth or feeling left out, which can contribute to a sense of alienation that can negatively impact their mental health. Loneliness, in and of itself, is an emotion we all feel. The gift of loneliness is that we learn to reach out to others, to not suffer in silence and to not ignore it. 

The toxic level of loneliness is despair and isolation and it is in this space that we begin to turn it onto ourselves with a lot of negative self-talk such as ‘I’m not enough’; ‘I don’t deserve this’; ‘I’m unimportant’ and ‘I don’t matter’. It is imperative at this point that we share how we are feeling with a close confidant or a therapist to help us navigate this painful place we find ourselves in. 

Love addiction and love avoidance 

When speaking of love addiction, it is often helpful to think of this as being the pursuer in a relationship. Love Addiction or the Pursuer can be described as people who seem to choose people to love who cannot or will not “love them back”. This is a very painful and compulsive behaviour that affects the love addict as well as their partners and children.

These patterns are rooted in our dysfunctional childhood experiences and result in us, as adults being attracted to people who reinforce:

  • our low self-esteem
  • our needless and wantless view of life – we rarely functionally ask for our needs or wants to be fulfilled, generally because we don’t know what they are
  • our perfectionism – we try to be as ‘they’ want us to be

People experiencing patterns of love addiction or avoidance can often find themselves drawn to those displaying the opposite pattern, leading to complex, toxic or dysfunctional relationships of co-dependency.

A love addict is someone dependent on, enmeshed with, and compulsively focused on taking care of another person. You may experience:

  • Low self-esteem and self-worth
  • A fear of abandonment or being alone – this is terrifying for a love addict
  • Difficulty with internal and external boundaries
  • Confusing love with neediness
  • Patterns of staying in, and returning to painful or unhealthy relationships 
  • Emotional or sexual manipulation and dependency
  • Romantic or sexual intrigue, obsession, and fantasies
  • Assigning somewhat magical qualities to others in hopes of them fulfilling our fantasies

Love Avoidance can lead to you avoiding intimacy out of fear of being drained, engulfed or controlled. Many love avoidants were enmeshed or parentified as children and consequently, all intimate relationships can potentially be smothering. You might put up walls to prevent you from feeling overwhelmed, trapped or suffocated by a relationship. Many people who are love-avoidant, recognise characteristics of Love Addiction in their partner, or past partners. You might also:

  • Feel compelled to care for needy or troubled people, seeing yourself as a ‘wonder woman’ or a ‘white knight’
  • Avoid being emotionally vulnerable or fully honest in relationships
  • Be overly critical of your partner, viewing them as weak or resenting them for being needy
  • Communicate in either passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive ways
  • Return to relationships out of guilt or fear of abandonment, or try to find a replacement for relationships once they end

It’s completely normal to experience a flurry of emotions on Valentine’s Day. Finding authentic ways to express and receive love, free from societal expectations, can lead to more fulfilling and healthy relationships. If you are single or struggling with a romantic relationship, take some time for self-care and seek support if needed.

Body and Soul