Tag: mental-health

The Cultural Story Behind Family Estrangement

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Rachel Haack MA MFTI

1. Postmodernism and Critical Theory in the Family System

Postmodernism taught us to question authority and dismantle universal truths. Critical theory taught us to look for oppression and power in every relationship. Both were useful lenses at first, until they became the only lenses.

Today, these frameworks have trickled all the way down into the family, where dynamics are no longer just relational but political.
Parents are recast as oppressors. Children as liberators. Love becomes suspect, and forgiveness looks like betrayal of the self.

Books like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and online influencers preaching “go no contact” have popularized this moral framework of hierarchy and harm. Once you interpret ordinary imperfection through a lens of oppression, the only moral response becomes disconnection.

2. Social Contagion and the Amplification of Ideas

Before smartphones, ideas spread through communities slowly: by conversation, print, and lived experience. Now they spread virally, without friction or context.

We’ve seen social contagions before: diagnostic trends like “multiple personality disorder” in the 1980s or the surge of “recovered memories.” Today, similar dynamics are playing out around “toxic parents,” “narcissistic mothers,” and “cutoff as healing.”

On TikTok and Instagram, creators share stories of liberation from their families, often rewarded with validation and applause. The more sensational the story, the more viral it becomes. And soon, estrangement itself, especially “no contact”, becomes not just a coping choice but a cultural script.

3. The Portable, Always-Connected World

In 1960, a college student might have called home once a month (collect!).
Letters were the norm. Distance was assumed. Love wasn’t measured in response time.

Now, the digital tether has changed our expectations entirely. Parents and adult children can be in contact multiple times a day, and when they’re not, it feels like something’s wrong.

This 24/7 accessibility has raised the relational temperature for everyone. We’re over-connected, overstimulated, and overwhelmed. Most adults are managing hundreds of micro-relationships through text, email, and social media. The guilt of not keeping up, of failing to “stay in touch”, becomes exhausting. And sometimes, that guilt turns into avoidance or conflict.

We’re living in what I call the age of too much para-connection, where everyone feels both crowded and lonely.

4. Concept Creep, Safetyism, and the Pathologizing of Discomfort

Over the past decade, psychological language has exploded into everyday conversation. Words that once had clinical meaning: trauma, abuse, narcissism, gaslighting, boundaries – are now used casually to describe any form of emotional pain or frustration. Psychologists Nick Haslam and Jonathan Haidt have called this phenomenon concept creep: when the definitions of harm and trauma expand to include ordinary stress, discomfort, and disagreement.

At the same time, a new cultural ideal has emerged, what Haidt and Greg Lukianoff call safetyism. Safety, once meaning freedom from physical danger, now includes freedom from emotional discomfort. To be “safe” means to never feel hurt, anxious, or misunderstood.

This shift sounds compassionate, but it has quietly redefined what we consider harmful. Normal friction in relationships: differences in temperament, misunderstanding, conflict, even the enduring “perpetual problems” that exist in every long-term bond – are now reinterpreted as forms of emotional danger.

When discomfort itself is seen as harm, repair begins to look like self-betrayal. Rather than learning tolerance for relational tension, we pathologize it. And soon, the ordinary pain of loving another imperfect human being starts to feel like something we must protect ourselves from, rather than something we can grow through.

5. The Reinforcement Loop: How Therapy Culture Confirms the Cutoff

This new sensitivity to harm is reinforced by the professionals and influencers shaping our public conversations about relationships. The dominant narrative says that no one cuts off contact with a parent without perfectly good reasons. The logic goes like this: because estrangement feels so unthinkable, it must also be justified.

Therapists and creators often tell their audiences, “You’ve done everything you could,” or “No one goes no contact lightly.” The implicit message is that disconnection is the only rational or healthy conclusion to a long-standing relationship problem.

In clinical spaces, this message is amplified by a moral pressure that runs deep in the helping professions. To challenge a client’s decision to cut off contact is framed as “causing harm.” To explore reconciliation is seen as enabling abuse. Therapists are warned that if we don’t affirm a client’s self-protective decisions, we risk becoming “excusers of abusers.” I receive messages such as “Yikes. This is dangerous.” to an instagram post addressing the nuance of estrangement.

Naturally, that strikes fear into the heart of any well-meaning clinician who wants to do right by their client. To imagine that our empathy could itself cause harm is paralyzing. And so, out of caution, many practitioners stop short of exploring repair or differentiation, even when disconnection may be premature or unnecessary.

What results is a therapeutic culture that affirms estrangement as inherently empowering: but rarely asks whether empowerment might also come from growth, dialogue, or courage in the face of discomfort.

6. The “Pure Relationship” and the Consumer Self

Sociologist Anthony Giddens coined the term the pure relationship—the belief that a relationship’s legitimacy depends on emotional satisfaction alone. It should be warm, mutually beneficial, and affirming at all times.

That idea, combined with our culture’s obsession with optimization, has quietly reshaped our relational ethics. We now evaluate our relationships the way we evaluate products: Does this still serve me? Does this make me happy?

When something feels hard, the impulse isn’t to repair, it’s to replace.
We live in a hyper-individualistic, portable, meritocratic, consumer world. We can move cities, change jobs, and find new communities with a swipe. The result is a growing inability to tolerate the inevitable discomforts of enduring relationships: the very tensions that make us grow up, soften, and mature. We don’t have to learn to live within our village: we can find a new one instead.

Estrangement, in this context, isn’t just a breakdown of love; it’s the logical conclusion of a culture that has made comfort and self-expression the highest virtues.

7. Luxury Beliefs and the New Village of One

Sociologist Rob Henderson coined the term luxury beliefs to describe ideas that signal social status but often carry hidden costs for others. In this context, the belief that cutting off “toxic” family members is always healthy functions like a luxury belief: it’s most easily embraced by those who can afford to lose their families and replace them (often with paid support networks).

Many modern cutoffs occur in families with greater resources, where autonomy is financially feasible. Our standard of living has made it possible to outsource almost every form of relational interdependence. We no longer need the messy village of extended family to survive; we can simply hire one.

If our in-law is irritating, we can pay for childcare.
If our mother’s help feels overwhelming, we can hire a postpartum doula.
If a relationship feels complicated, we can opt for convenience.

In this way, affluence enables avoidance. It allows us to curate our social lives around comfort and control rather than tolerance and reciprocity. The more economically independent we become, the less dependent we are on the people who stretch us.

And sometimes, that independence itself is a gift handed down from the very family being rejected. Many of the young adults now severing ties with parents do so after those same parents helped fund their education, co-signed their first lease, or quietly absorbed the cost of early adulthood. The support that made autonomy possible is later reinterpreted as control. Once financial reliance ends, the relationship can be rewritten through the language of freedom: They can’t control me anymore.

It’s a striking irony of privilege—the estrangement enabled by security. When you no longer need your family to survive, you also lose the incentive to work through what makes them difficult. And so, we drift further into what might be called the luxury of disconnection—a life where we can meet nearly all our needs without ever having to practice forgiveness, patience, or repair.

8. So What Do We Do With All This?

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by all of this, to feel like you’re standing in the tide of something too large to resist. You can’t fight the world. You can’t change a culture on your own. You can’t go to battle against the zeitgeist without burning out in despair.

So here’s what I suggest: When things feel big, focus on the small.

You don’t have to fix the world. What we can do is adapt: by creating small, consistent acts of connection with those closest to us. Reorient to your values and live them out in the relationships right in front of you.

If you’re disheartened by the fact that we live in an individualistic, portable, meritocratic, consumer world, start by noticing where that shows up in your own relationships. Begin to reclaim the village around you.

  • Can you stay in relationship when it’s hard?
  • Can you practice forgiveness even when it isn’t reciprocated?
  • Who are you quick to write off—and who might you reach out to instead?

Nobody changes by being lectured into connection. We learn by observation and osmosis. Culture shifts not through argument, but through example.

So ask yourself:

  • Am I making it easier or harder for people to connect with me?
  • Do people feel seen in my presence?
  • Is there one small thing I can do differently in this relationship today?

That’s how change happens—not through revolution, but through micro-shifts. We don’t have to fix a generation or a cultural moment. We just need to live our values with quiet conviction in a world that spins around us.

Because while you can’t stop the tide, you can build something steady enough to stand in it.

 If this resonated with you, share it with someone who’s also trying to make sense of our disconnected age. The more we talk about it—and live differently inside it—the more repair becomes possible. Also, please consider becoming a paid subscriber, as it allows me to keep offering my articles for free to those in need. Thank you!

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False Memory Creation – Parental Alienation

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Sarah Squires

One of the hardest elements of parental alienation is when allegations are made by both
children and parents. Professionals have a duty of care to investigate and gather evidence. But
how reliable are the memories being recalled?
It has long been accepted that false memories exist and there are countless studies which
confirm how easy it is to “implant” a memory (which we will look into later) but for a practitioner
involved in a parental alienation case, it can be hard to identify real from false memories and
therefore recall confabulation can result in prosecution for the “abuser”, possibly jail and
definitely the loss of the relationship with their child.
It is therefore important that we understand what memory is, how it is stored and how false
memories can occur.

What is memory?

Bartlett (1932) describes memory as “imaginative reconstruction” meaning that memories
consist of numerous elements, pieced together and replayed in a format familiar to the teller.
The first two elements are:
● Declarative
● Nondeclarative

Semantic memory refers to the facts involved in the memory which you just know and are not
from personal experience. For example, the names for colours. Craik and Lockhart (1972) found
that complex semantic processing produced better recall than simple semantic processing.
Meaning it’s the details which help with the recall.

Episodic memory refers to the unique experience linked to the time and place in our lives.
Rogers et al (1977) found that episodic memory was more reliable than semantic in recall
situations. Meaning we remember things better which have a personal and emotional
connection to us. A study by Hayne and Imuta (2011) found that by the age of 3, children exhibit
rudimentary episodic memory skills, and that strict reliance on verbal recall may underestimate
their episodic memory ability.

Interestingly, more recent findings have suggested that it is the ability to retain, as opposed to
form, episodic memories that may be the source of the advantage inferred through age in older children, with 3-year-old children demonstrating good retention of episodic recollection across short but not long delays (Scarf et al., 2013).

Nondeclarative memory, also known as procedural memory, is the repository of information
about basic skills, motor (muscular) movement, verbal qualities, visual images, and emotions. It
is our unconscious memory based on what we have been taught and experienced in the world
around us.

Conditioning plays an important role in procedural memory and two main conditioning elements
have been identified: classic and operant.

Classic conditioning theory was developed by Pavlov following experiments with dogs.
He found that you could associate a behaviour to a previously non-associated action
through classic conditioning. He rang a bell and the dogs did not respond. He showed
them food, they salivated (required response). He then gave the food and rang the bell
at the same time, dogs salivated (required response). Finally he rang the bell on it’s own
and the dogs salivated (required response). The dogs had been conditioned to associate
the bell and food.

Operant conditioning was developed by Skinner (1948) and Thorndike (1905). They both
found that animals would repeat the same action if the outcome was pleasant (positive
reinforcement) and would stop an action if the outcome was negative (negative
reinforcement). The animals learnt this through trial and error. This became known as
the “law of effect”

Both are behavioural theories but these responses becomes procedural and so form part of our
long term memory.

In order for memory to be developed, we also need the cognitive abilities to piece it all together.
Jean Piaget (1932) developed 4 cognitive stages of childhood development:

  1. Sensorimotor Stage: Birth through about 2 years. During this stage, children learn about
    the world through their senses and the manipulation of objects.
  2. Preoperational Stage: Ages 2 through 7. During this stage, children develop memory and imagination. They are also able to understand things symbolically, and to understand the ideas of past and future.
  3. Concrete Operational Stage: Ages 7 through 11. During this stage, children become more aware of external events, as well as feelings other than their own. They become less egocentric, and begin to understand that not everyone shares their thoughts, beliefs, or feelings.
  4. Formal Operational Stage: Ages 11 and older. During this stage, children are able to use logic to solve problems, view the world around them, and plan for the future.

“Six-month-olds have a memory span of no more than about 24 hours, which gradually expands
to up to a month by 9 months. In the new study, 13-month-old babies could not remember
events they had witnessed and mimicked four months earlier– a task that came easily to their
elders, ages 21 months and 28 months.”
(https://www.upi.com/Older-children-remember-longer/47801036004400/)

Using this and the previous studies mentioned, we can see how memory develops in children
and the ages at which specific types of memory develop alongside their cognitive and language
abilities.

How false memories can be created

Freud (1923) first identified that likelihood of false memory, naming it confabulation and
reconstruction.
Confabulation is the unintentional manufacturing of information to fill in the missing details
during recall. It’s usual purpose it to make the story more coherent and can occur under
conditions of high motivation or emotion.
In 1997 Coan found that “our recollection of memories can be manipulated and even entire sets
of events can be confabulated”.
Reconstruction involves the distortion of the original memory through a series of filters including
our past experiences, beliefs, schemas and stereotypes.

Elizabeth Loftus and Cara Laney (2013) found that the verbage used to frame a question when
trying to illicit a memory recall can impact false memory recollection. For example, asking “did
you see THE dog?” was more likely to get a false memory recollection than asking “did you see
Adog?”
Nicholas Spanos (1996) found that 50% of participants were led to contrast complex, vivid and
detailed false memories using a process called “guided mnemonic restructuring” which involves
active encouragement.
Loftus and Laney also found that imagination inflation can occur as the more a subject
visualises/images the event, the more “real” it becomes.

In the same paper three key elements which impact the forming of false memory were identified
as:
● social pressure
● encouragement
● individual encouraged not to consider if the memory is true or not

Implications for parental alienation

In studies adults have been shown to be very susceptible to suggestion and manipulation to
create false memories if they are encouraged to by someone they have an interpersonal
relationship with meaning children, who are much more susceptible to their parent’s influence,
could easily “create” memories which they retain through rehearsal.

Attachment System Suppression and Phobic Anxiety Toward a Parent

The child’s symptoms evidence a selective and targeted suppression of the normal-range
functioning of the child’s attachment bonding motivations toward one parent, the
targeted-rejected parent, in which the child seeks to entirely terminate a relationship with this parent (i.e., a child-initiated cut-off in the child’s relationship with a normal-range and affectionally available parent). (Childress 2015)

A child who previously had a positive and secure attachment to the alienated parent, suddenly
hates them and vilifies them for everything they do and have done.

They have no good memories of the alienated parent. The age of the child is important as is
how long the child has been separated from the parent. However, we know that children are
capable of storing and recalling memories from a very young age and so for there to be a
complete absence of any good memories, may suggest manipulation or conditioning. For
example a child could say they love the alienated parent and get shouted at (negative
reinforcement) so they stop saying it and instead say “I hate them” and get rewarded (positive
reinforcement). Following the law of effect, the child would make more negative statements
towards the alienated parent in order to receive more rewards. There is also the added
dimension here of the attachment style of the parent. If they were previously rejecting-neglecting
the child, there is even more motivation for the child to say negative things as they will get their
primary needs met as well.

Fixed False Belief

The child’s symptoms display an intransigently held, fixed and false belief regarding the
fundamental parental inadequacy of the targeted-rejected parent in which the child
characterizes a relationship with the targeted rejected parent as being somehow
emotionally or psychologically “abusive” of the child. While the child may not explicitly
use the term “abusive,” the implication of emotional or psychological abuse is contained
within the child’s belief system and is not warranted based on the assessed parenting
practices of the targeted-rejected parent (which are assessed to be broadly normal
range) (Childress 2015).

In some instances there may be a genuine reason the child feels angry towards the alienated
parent. But the reaction is still disproportionate to the incident which has made them angry. As
an ex child protection social worker I have witnessed contact between abusive parents and their children and in almost all cases, the child will interact with the parent and the relationship will
return to its previous state. Obviously here the age of the child is important though. An
adolescent child may demonstrate more anger due to their increased understanding and their
own interrupted emotional state as they go through puberty. A younger child however, whose
memory is still developing, would struggle to recall memories from over two months ago.
Therefore it is important for practitioners to remember that a child will have both good and bad
memories of the alienated parent. Bad events do not delete good ones. If a child is unable (or
unwilling) to recall positive memories, this could indicate manipulation or conditioning. It may
also be possible that false memories have been implanted and cemented through rehearsal,
ensuring that the child thoroughly believes their accusations.

Splitting

The child evidences polarized extremes of attitude toward the parents, in which the
supposedly “favoured” parent is idealized as the all-good and nurturing parent while the
rejected parent is entirely devalued as the all-bad and entirely inadequate parent.
(Childress 2015)

The child has a very “black and white” view of their parents. One is all good, the other all bad.
No positive qualities can be recalled for the alienated parent and no negative ones for the
alienator.

Memory is very rarely erased (except in amnesia cases) and instead fade over time. So for a
child to be unable (or unwilling) to recall any positive qualities in their parent, suggests that
conditioning has taken place. For example, the alienating parent could classically condition the
child into believing the alienated parent is all bad by associating all bad memories with that
parent. “We can’t go on holiday this year because of your mother/father”. If this process is
repeated often enough, the child will be conditioned to believe the alienated parent is all bad.
Diversely, the alienating parent will be telling the child that they are the only one who loves them
and understands them, conditioning the child to see them as all good.

Role-Reversal Dynamic

In alienation, a child’s psychological boundaries may be compromised, and differentiation
from that parent may not occur. Instead, the child becomes infused with the mindset of the
pathogenic parent and alienated from the normal-range parent through covert psychological
manipulation on the part of the pathogenic parent. (Childress 2015)

The child will adamantly deny that anyone has influenced their decision.
Again, age will be an important factor here. Does the child have the cognitive ability (as outlined
above) to make these statements? Do they understand the consequences? It is therefore
important the practitioner explores the child’s understanding of what the statements mean and
uses memory recall exercises to confirm this. For example, a child who states that they have
decided they never want to see their parent again could be asked “what about at Christmas? Do
you not want a present from them?” and explore “what did you get from them last year?”. Future
and past tense exercises can help bypass the possibility of false memories because it is unlikely
(and impossible) for someone to have rewritten their entire history or talked about the future with
the child.

Absence of Empathy

The child displays a complete absence of empathy for the emotional pain being inflicted
on the targeted-rejected parent by the child’s hostility and rejection of this parent.
(Childress 2015)

The child will feel justified in their actions and cold towards the alienated parent.
According to Erikson’s Psychosocial (1950, 1963) stage theory, around age three and
continuing to age five, children assert themselves more frequently. They will play independently,
make up games and and initiate activities with others. This is the Initiative v’s Guilt stage.
Therefore it is important when a child is expressing that they are using their own initiative, that this behaviour is observed in other settings as well. Does the demonstrate the ability to think
independently about other subjects? Any inconsistency may suggest manipulation.

Grandiosity

The child displays a grandiose perception of occupying an inappropriately elevated
status in the family hierarchy that is above the targeted-rejected parent from which the
child feels empowered to sit in judgment of the targeted-rejected parent as both a parent
and as a person. (Childress 2015)

The child will always side with the alienating parent. The child does not want to hear the
alienated parent’s point of view.

This demonstrates elements of concrete thinking. i.e. seeing something as fixed and certain. It
is evident in very young children but as children age they begin to develop logical and
eventually abstract thinking as well (see Piaget’s development stages above). The absence of
logical thinking, which would be developmentally appropriate for their age, suggests either
developmental delay or manipulation.

Transgenerational Trauma and the Trauma Reenactment

This is the process by which differentiation between family members across generations
affects individuals and their personal differentiation process. The transmission occurs on
several levels involving both conscious teaching and unconscious programming of
emotional responses and behaviors. Due to the intricacies of the relationship dynamics,
some children develop more of a differentiated “self” than others. (Childress 2015)

The child may make accusations against the alienated parent which phrases and scenarios
which are inappropriate for their age. For example, a child might say “I hate mum/dad because
they made us homeless” but when you ask them what homeless means they have no
understanding of it.

Whilst not all allegations are false, those which use language which isn’t congruent with the
child’s natural speech, would suggest that false memories have been implanted. As outlined in
the above section on “how false memories are implanted”, this is relatively easy to do and
children will be highly sensitive to this kind of manipulation from a caregiver. Especially if it is
coupled with condition behaviours.

Avoidance of Parent

The child seeks to avoid exposure to the targeted parent due to the situationally
provoked anxiety or else endures the presence of the targeted parent with great distress.
“Childress 2015)

Anyone associated with the alienated parent will be rejected by the child for little or no reason.
Using Erikson’s psychosocial development model again, the crisis of trust vs mistrust occurs
during the first year or so of life. During this stage, the infant is uncertain about the world in
which they live. To resolve these feelings of uncertainty, the infant looks towards their caregivers
for stability and consistency of care. This forms the attachment.

Initially Bowlby (1969) believed that a child formed one primary attachment which superseded
all others. However later research has shown that children form multiple quality attachments to a
range of caregivers, including grandparents, aunts and uncles (Furnivall 2011). Therefore it is
important when a child is rejecting whole families or those associated with alienated parent, that
a practitioner explores early attachment and experiences with the wider family through taking
family history. The child is unlikely to have forgotten those experiences and, unless severe
abuse has taken place, it is unlikely the memories have been repressed. Therefore the child
may have been conditioned and manipulated into “forgetting”.

Conclusion

Both memory and parental alienation are complex theories and we have to draw upon many
additional theories in order to give a comprehensive picture of what is going on. However I hope
that this paper has demonstrated the important role that memory and memory manipulation
plays in parental alienation syndrome and provided some practical advice on what to look for.

False Memories by Sarah Squires

My comments – Although this article speaks of younger children, adult children can also act this way towards a targeted parent, creating false memories about them due to the manipulation and conditioning from the favoured parent. I have had contact with thousands of mothers who are experiencing this.

Confabulation and False Memories

On By LaetitiaIn Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Web MD Editorial Contributors, Medically Reviewed by Smitha Bhandari MD

Image – Sydney Criminal Lawyers

No one’s memory is 100% percent accurate, but some people make many memory errors. They believe in the accuracy of these faulty memories and can be convincing when talking about them. This is what scientists call confabulation. Some brain conditions can cause these errors in memory.

What Is Confabulation?

Confabulations are usually autobiographical, involving people misremembering their own experiences. Sometimes they place experiences in the wrong time or place. They may wrongly recall other details, large or small. Occasionally confabulations have little basis in reality. Details can be drawn from movies, television, and overheard conversations.

Of course, people with no brain disorders can have faulty memories. Normal mistakes in memory become confabulation when people remember false information in vivid detail, often claiming to relive the event. They may exhibit genuine emotions, such as grieving over a friend who has not died. Listeners often believe what they are hearing is true. 

What Confabulation Is Not

Confabulation is not lying. Confabulation differs from other forms of falsehood. Confabulators have no reason to tell a lie and don’t realize that they’re not telling the truth. Their brains simply filled in some missing spots with false information. Some people have called this “honest lying”.  

Confabulations are not delusions. Both involve false beliefs, but confabulation almost always involves a memory, while delusions are less anchored in the real world. Delusions occur mostly in psychiatric disorders such as schizophrenia. Confabulation is more common in brain disorders such as dementia.

Two Kinds of Confabulation

Confabulations can be either provoked or spontaneous. They’re provoked if they occur in response to a question. The person may feel compelled to answer even if they don’t know what to say. They’re spontaneous if they’re offered voluntarily. Spontaneous confabulations are usually less believable and might be fantastic or bizarre. 

Conditions Linked to Confabulation

Confabulation is caused by brain damage or poor brain function, but researchers are unsure which parts of the brain are at fault. The frontal lobe or the basal forebrain may be involved. Confabulation occurs with several brain disorders. These are some of the most common. 

Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. Confabulation was first studied by a Russian psychiatrist, Sergeievich Korsakoff. He noticed that his clients who overused alcohol often had faulty memories. He gave his name to a condition that occurs with an alcohol use problem. Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome is caused by a vitamin B1 deficiency.

Alzheimer’s disease. Those with Alzheimer’s disease experience a range of symptoms. Delusions, such as believing that someone is stealing from them, are common. Provoked confabulations are common in early Alzheimer’s. Spontaneous confabulations can become a serious problem if the person with Alzheimer’s acts on their mistaken beliefs.

Traumatic brain injury. A blow to the head can cause problems in thinking and memory. Confabulation can be a special problem for those with traumatic brain injury. They may misreport events leading up to the injury or make mistakes about other important details.

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Exposure to alcohol in the womb can cause a person to have a variety of brain problems, including confabulation. Often those with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder are suggestible and eager to please. These characteristics can make them likely to create false memories.  

Can Confabulation Be Treated?

Confabulation won’t go away unless the underlying condition is addressed. Doctors can treat some conditions. For example, Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome is treated with vitamin B1. Other conditions lack effective treatments.   

Those who live or work with confabulators can reduce problems by using strategies such as these:

  • Minimizing distractions
  • Avoiding leading questions
  • Allowing extra time for processing
  • Reducing stress
  • Using simple language
  • Checking to see if they understand

Some confabulators can be taught how to monitor themselves. Memory aids can help. They can keep memory diaries so they don’t feel pressure to remember everything.

Results of Confabulation

For the self. Confabulation performs several functions for those who do it:

  • It lets them make sense of their situation.
  • It enhances their sense of self.
  • It makes them relevant in the world. 

For family members. Dealing with confabulation can make family members frustrated, angry, or sad. They should remember that their relative is not being untruthful on purpose. A support system is vital for those who confabulate. They may give inaccurate information in a variety of situations. Family can be a part of that support system. 

In the legal system. Individuals who confabulate can make false confessions and give false testimony. Although they are not lying on purpose, the results can be serious. Those who interview people with certain brain disorders should understand confabulation. They should avoid long interviews, suggestive questions, and other techniques that could cause the subject to give false information.

Webmd.com

False Memories

On By LaetitiaIn Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, Understanding AutismLeave a comment

Although memories seem to be a solid, straightforward sum of who people are, strong evidence suggests that memories are much more quite complex, highly subject to change, and often simply unreliable. Memories of past events can be reconstructed as people age or as their worldview changes. People regularly recall childhood events falsely, and through effective suggestions and other methods, it’s been proven that they can even create new false memories.

Why False Memories Are Common

A person’s malleable memories often involve the mundane, such as when we second-guess whether the stove really is off or on. But they can often be far more consequential, such as unreliable eyewitness recollections of a crime.

What causes a false memory?

Human memory is pliable and easy to manipulate. A distorted memory or the introduction of later, false information can affect how we recall events we experienced firsthand. A person’s existing knowledge can impede and obstructs their own memory, leading to a newly formed, cobbled-together recollection that does not accurately reflect reality. Also, under certain circumstances, a person can be given false information and be convinced to believe that an event that never occurred actually did.

Should I question my memories?

Given that our recovered memories may be genuine or false, or a combination of the two, it is legitimate to question just how much of what you remember is real and how much is a misperception.

How can I identify a false memory?

Without material evidence, it’s hard to know for sure whether a memory is real or imagined. Even if you feel high conviction that a recollection is true, there is a high chance that the memory is flawed, by a little or a lot.

How do I get rid of false memories?

Just as a recollection can be altered into a false memory, it can be reversed as well. If you return to the memory and think closely about its details, you may be able to recreate the event over time. Through such a process, you reroute the false memory to a true one.

Why Memories Matter

A malleable memory can have especially dire consequences, particularly in legal settings when children are used as eyewitnesses. Research has found that a child may be especially susceptible to the implanting of false memories by parents or other authority figures. This becomes highly problematic when a case involves alleged sexual abuse or relies on the correct identification of a suspect by a child. But adults can also be tricked into remembering events that never happened, or changing the details of things that really did happen.

Why do I remember things that never happened?

Presented with incomplete information, the brain seeks to fill in the blanks. If you see a photo of a person you have never met, for example, and mutual friends have shared descriptive details on time spent with the person, you may start to believe that you have in fact met the individual.

Why do memories change over time?

Psychologist Elizabeth Loftus of the University of California at Irvine, an influential researcher on memory who has consulted on many high-profile legal cases involving disputed memories, including the McMartin preschool sexual abuse allegations, notes that everyone embellishes or adds to their memories during recall or recounting. Over time those changes, accurate or not, become part of the memory in the mind. Loftus warns that human memory is not a recording device, but more like a Wikipedia page: You can change it, but others can, too.

Why can’t I remember my childhood?

Most people struggle to recall events before the age of about 3 or 4, a phenomenon called childhood amnesia. In the first few years of life, a child’s body undergoes the process of neurogenesis, or the growth and development of nervous tissue. New nerve cells develop, and old cells get recycled or reformed, taking childhood memories away with them.

How Misinformation Is Easily Spread

On the internet, almost anyone claiming objectivity or impartiality can disseminate false memories through the dissemination of specious information. Misinformation, or “fake news,” has become ubiquitous through media such as doctored videos and photoshopped images as well as fabricated text. Such misinformation is especially persuasive with audiences who already harbor biases endorsed by the inaccurate messages.

Why is misinformation so detrimental?

Several recent events have proven that memory can become weaponized, often quite effectively. Once misinformation taken hold in a target’s mind, that new, false recollection hinders his or her ability to make informed decisions about policy and politicians. Fake news drives social discord and character assassination, and even corrupts crucial personal choices about health and well-being.

Can our attitudes and bias influence memory?

Biased thinking molds the way we remember. We all employ bias when perceiving, interpreting, and remembering information and events. This effect extends to the ways in which we tap our memories for information about fake news.

Can well-known events be altered?

In a study, researchers doctored images of well-known events and found that indeed a person’s recollection of even universally known, iconic events can be altered.


How to Spot Fake News

  • Investigate the source of the information and whether the site is reputable.
  • See who is listed in the “About” section or “Contact Us” page.
  • Check the author and scrutinize the person’s credibility.
  • Is the author a real person?
  • Don’t fall for clickbait headlines, read the entire post.
  • What is the purpose of the information?
  • Make sure the story is current and not lifted from old information.
  • Check the accompanying links for references and citations.
  • Search for more information on the claim.
  • Doctored images are sometimes obvious and can be searched via image sourcing tools.
  • Check the image credit.

Psychology Today

Histrionic Personality Disorder and Lying

On By LaetitiaIn Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and Lies, UncategorizedLeave a comment

by Lori Lawrenz PsyD

Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is a psychological condition that causes someone to engage in attention-seeking behaviour. Some aspects of this condition may cause a person to lie to manipulate others.

It is possible that those with HPD may lie more than those without this condition, as they may feel the need to manipulate others to attract their attention. There is no research indicating how frequently those with HPD lie compared with those in the general population. However, anecdotal evidence suggests people with HPD may lie or exaggerate the truth.

This article will closely examine HPD and its connection to lying and how to deal with lying and manipulation.

Understanding lying and histrionic personality disorder

There are several traits relating toTrusted Source
 HPD that may cause a person to lie, exaggerate the truth, or manipulate, such as:

Feeling uncomfortable when not the center of attention: Those with HPD feel a need to be the center of attention and, therefore, may use lying or exaggeration as a way to attract attention to themselves.

Shallow or frequently shifting emotions: This means that people with HPD may exhibit emotions that seem insincere to others and change often depending on the situation.

Exaggerating emotions: Someone with HPD may exhibit emotions in an overly dramatic or exaggerated way to attract attention from others.

Manipulative tendencies are common for people with HPD, as they may feel a need to gain attention from those around them or use their emotions to control those around them. They may make up either positive or negative emotions or stories to get this attention.

What is histrionic personality disorder?

Personality disorders are psychological conditions that affect the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves. These conditions cause someone to behave outside of cultural expectations in ways that may cause distress and problems with functioning and maintaining relationships.

HPD is a cluster B personality disorder. Cluster B personality disorders cause a person to have difficulty regulating their emotions and maintaining personal relationships. ResearchersTrusted Source
 are not sure what causes HPD, but it likely has links to factors such as trauma in early childhood and certain parenting styles.

Other histrionic traits include:

  • frequent flirtatious or seductive behaviour
  • using appearance or clothing to attract attention
  • exaggerated or overly dramatic emotions
  • being easily influenced by others
  • thinking relationships with others are closer than they really are
  • engaging in manipulative behaviors
  • engaging in impulsive behavior

Pathological lying

Pathological lying describes somebody who persistently and compulsively tells lies to the point that it damages their personal and professional lives and relationships. Pathological lying can cause distress and harm to both the pathological liar and those around them and persists longer than 6 monthsTrusted Source
. A person can not receive a diagnosis as a pathological liar, but a doctor may recognize pathological lying as part of a personality disorder.

According to research from 2020, pathological lying has a prevalence of around 8–13%Trusted Source
. A person may lie pathologically to bring attention to themselves or to otherwise benefit from the lies they tell.

Dealing with lying and manipulation

Maintaining any kind of relationship with someone who engages in lying and manipulative behavior can be difficult. This behavior can damage relationships and affect a person’s well-being.

It is important to remember that the individual telling lies or engaging in manipulative behavior may not be in control of their actions or may be acting due to their own distress. Avoiding judgment and blame while setting and maintaining strong boundaries may help a person protect themselves and their relationship.

Certain methods may help someone deal with lying and manipulation, such as:

  • not engaging with them or seeming uninterested
  • having strong boundaries and saying “no”
  • understanding they are responsible for their own feelings and behaviors
  • helping them identify their reasons for lying and manipulating
  • helping them find support from a doctor or therapist

Support for those living with others who have personality disorders

Support for friends and family of those with personality disorders can help people maintain their own well-being and their relationship with someone with a personality disorder. Learning more about their condition can help with maintaining a healthy relationship in which all parties feel safe and comfortable.

Therapy may be a helpful tool for those living with others who have personality disorders to express their feelings and experiences and receive support. A person may use other tools, such as support groups and online resources, to find support.

Summary

HPD is a personality disorder that causes someone to exhibit exaggerated emotions and engage in extreme attention-seeking behavior. Part of this behavior may involve lying and manipulation to gain the attention of those around them.

Pathological lying is not a diagnosable condition but may occur when someone has a personality disorder.

Medical News Today

A Daughter’s Jealousy of her Mother

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Unravelling the complex psychology by Neuro Launch Editorial Team.

A daughter’s jealousy towards her mother is a complex emotional quagmire that can shatter the very foundation of their relationship, leaving both women grappling with the painful aftermath. This intricate psychological phenomenon is far more common than many realize, silently wreaking havoc on countless mother-daughter bonds across the globe. As we delve into the murky waters of this familial struggle, we’ll uncover the hidden currents that drive this jealousy and explore the ripple effects it has on the entire family unit.

The green-eyed monster of jealousy doesn’t discriminate based on age or relationship status. It can rear its ugly head in the most unexpected places, even within the sacred bond between a mother and her daughter. This particular brand of envy is a unique beast, often rooted in a complex web of emotions, experiences, and unmet needs that have been festering for years, if not decades.

To truly grasp the gravity of this issue, we must first acknowledge its prevalence. While exact statistics are hard to come by (after all, who readily admits to being jealous of their own mother?), anecdotal evidence and clinical observations suggest that daughter-mother jealousy is far from rare. It’s a silent epidemic that often goes unspoken, hidden behind forced smiles and tense family gatherings.

Understanding the underlying psychology of this jealousy is crucial not only for the individuals directly involved but for the health of the entire family system. The mother-daughter relationship is often considered one of the most influential and formative bonds in a person’s life. When jealousy infiltrates this relationship, it can have far-reaching consequences that extend well beyond the two individuals involved.

Before we dive deeper, it’s worth briefly touching on the concept of the Electra complex, a psychological theory that provides some context for understanding daughter-mother jealousy. Coined by Carl Jung, this theory suggests that young girls may develop an unconscious attraction to their fathers and rivalry with their mothers. While modern psychology has largely moved away from such rigid interpretations, the concept still offers a useful framework for exploring the complex dynamics at play in mother-daughter relationships.

Root Causes of Daughter’s Jealousy Towards Mother

To truly unravel the tangled web of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother, we need to examine the various threads that contribute to this complex emotion. Like a tapestry woven from different coloured yarns, each strand represents a unique factor that, when combined, creates the full picture of this psychological phenomenon.

One of the primary threads in this tapestry is the developmental stages and psychological theories that underpin human growth and relationships. As children progress through various stages of development, their relationship with their parents naturally evolves. For daughters, the mother often serves as both a role model and a source of comparison. This dual role can sometimes lead to feelings of inadequacy or competition, especially during adolescence and early adulthood when daughters are struggling to establish their own identities.

Another crucial thread is the competition for attention and affection, particularly within the family unit. In some cases, daughters may feel that they’re constantly vying for their father’s attention, with their mother as the perceived “rival.” This dynamic can be especially pronounced in families where the father is emotionally distant or where the mother-father relationship is particularly strong. The daughter may feel left out or overshadowed, leading to feelings of jealousy towards her mother.

Unresolved childhood issues form yet another significant strand in this complex weave. Early experiences of neglect, favoritism towards siblings, or perceived lack of maternal warmth can leave lasting scars that manifest as jealousy in adulthood. These unresolved issues can fester over time, coloring the daughter’s perception of her mother and their relationship.

Lastly, we can’t ignore the thread of the mother’s perceived success or attractiveness. In a society that often pits women against each other and places a high value on youth and beauty, daughters may find themselves feeling inadequate when comparing themselves to their mothers. This is particularly true if the mother is seen as successful, attractive, or accomplished in areas where the daughter feels she falls short.

It’s important to note that these root causes often intertwine and overlap, creating a complex psychological landscape that can be challenging to navigate. Understanding these underlying factors is crucial for both mothers and daughters seeking to address and overcome feelings of jealousy.

Signs and Manifestations of Daughter’s Jealousy

Jealousy, like a chameleon, can take on many forms and hues. When it comes to a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother, the manifestations can range from subtle to glaringly obvious. Recognizing these signs is the first step towards addressing the issue and healing the relationship.

One of the most common ways jealousy rears its head is through verbal and non-verbal expressions. A jealous daughter might make snide remarks about her mother’s appearance, achievements, or relationships. These comments often come disguised as “jokes” or backhanded compliments, leaving the mother feeling confused and hurt. Non-verbally, a daughter might roll her eyes, sigh heavily, or display other body language that conveys disapproval or resentment towards her mother.

Competitive behavior and one-upmanship are also telltale signs of underlying jealousy. The daughter might constantly try to outdo her mother, whether it’s in terms of career achievements, personal relationships, or even something as trivial as cooking skills. This constant need to prove herself “better” than her mother often stems from deep-seated insecurities and a desire for validation.

In more severe cases, a jealous daughter might attempt to undermine her mother’s relationships. This could involve trying to drive a wedge between her mother and father, or sabotaging her mother’s friendships. The daughter might spread gossip, reveal secrets, or manipulate situations to make her mother look bad in the eyes of others. This behaviour is particularly destructive as it not only damages the mother-daughter relationship but also affects the entire family dynamic.

Excessive criticism or resentment towards the mother is another clear indicator of jealousy. The daughter might find fault with everything her mother does, from her parenting style to her choice of clothes. This constant criticism often masks the daughter’s own insecurities and serves as a defense mechanism to protect her fragile self-esteem.

It’s worth noting that these manifestations of jealousy can vary greatly in intensity and frequency. Some daughters might exhibit only mild signs of jealousy, while others might display more extreme behaviors. Understanding these signs is crucial for both mothers and daughters to recognize the issue and take steps towards resolving it.

Impact on Family Dynamics and Relationships

The ripple effects of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother can be far-reaching, impacting not just their immediate relationship but the entire family ecosystem. Like a stone thrown into a pond, the waves of this complex emotion can disturb even the most seemingly stable family dynamics.

First and foremost, the strain on the mother-daughter bond can be immense. What should be a nurturing, supportive relationship can become a battleground of unspoken resentments and hurt feelings. The natural ebb and flow of sharing, caring, and mutual growth that characterizes healthy mother-daughter bonds can be severely disrupted. This strain can lead to emotional distance, communication breakdowns, and a loss of trust between mother and daughter.

But the impact doesn’t stop there. Other family members often find themselves caught in the crossfire of this emotional turmoil. Fathers may feel torn between their wife and daughter, unsure of how to navigate the tension without taking sides. Siblings might feel neglected as the family’s emotional energy becomes consumed by the mother-daughter conflict. In some cases, they may even be pressured to choose sides, further fracturing family unity.

The long-term consequences for the daughter’s personal relationships can be particularly profound. The patterns of jealousy, competition, and resentment learned in the relationship with her mother can spill over into other areas of her life. She may struggle to form healthy relationships with other women, viewing them as potential rivals rather than allies. In romantic relationships, she might grapple with trust issues or constantly compare herself to her partner’s mother, creating unnecessary tension.

Perhaps most insidiously, these patterns of jealousy can become intergenerational. A daughter who has a jealous relationship with her mother may unknowingly pass on these unhealthy dynamics to her own children. This can create a cycle of strained mother-daughter relationships that persists across generations, each woman unwittingly recreating the painful patterns she experienced with her own mother.

It’s crucial to recognize that while the impact of this jealousy can be severe, it’s not insurmountable. With awareness, effort, and often professional help, families can work to break these destructive patterns and forge healthier, more supportive relationships.

Psychological Approaches to Understanding and Addressing the Issue

To truly grasp the complexity of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother, we need to don our psychological detective hats and explore various theoretical perspectives. Each approach offers a unique lens through which we can view this intricate emotional landscape, providing valuable insights for understanding and addressing the issue.

Let’s start with the psychoanalytic perspective, which delves deep into the murky waters of the unconscious mind. This approach, rooted in Freudian theory, might suggest that daughter-mother jealousy is a manifestation of unresolved Oedipal conflicts. The daughter, according to this view, may be unconsciously competing with her mother for her father’s attention and affection. While modern psychology has moved away from such rigid interpretations, this perspective still offers valuable insights into the deep-seated nature of these jealous feelings.

Cognitive-behavioral insights, on the other hand, focus more on the thought patterns and behaviors associated with jealousy. This approach would examine the daughter’s beliefs about herself, her mother, and their relationship. It might identify negative thought patterns or cognitive distortions that fuel jealous feelings. For instance, a daughter might engage in “all-or-nothing” thinking, perceiving her mother as either perfect or terrible, with no middle ground. By recognizing and challenging these thought patterns, the daughter can begin to develop a more balanced and realistic view of her mother and their relationship.

Attachment theory provides yet another valuable perspective on mother-daughter jealousy. This theory, developed by John Bowlby, emphasizes the importance of early bonding experiences in shaping later relationships. A daughter who experienced inconsistent or insecure attachment with her mother in childhood might struggle with jealousy and insecurity in their adult relationship. Understanding these attachment patterns can provide crucial insights into the root causes of jealousy and guide strategies for healing.

The family systems approach broadens our view even further, considering how jealousy fits into the larger family dynamic. This perspective recognizes that individual behaviors and emotions don’t exist in isolation but are part of a complex family system. A daughter’s jealousy towards her mother might be seen as a symptom of broader family issues, such as unclear boundaries, unresolved conflicts, or dysfunctional communication patterns.

Each of these psychological approaches offers valuable tools for understanding and addressing daughter-mother jealousy. By integrating insights from multiple perspectives, we can develop a more comprehensive understanding of this complex issue and craft more effective strategies for resolution.

Strategies for Resolving Mother-Daughter Jealousy

Now that we’ve explored the roots and manifestations of daughter-mother jealousy, it’s time to roll up our sleeves and dive into some practical strategies for resolving this thorny issue. Like untangling a knotted necklace, addressing jealousy requires patience, persistence, and a delicate touch.

First and foremost, open communication is key. It’s crucial for both mother and daughter to create a safe space where they can express their feelings honestly and without fear of judgment. This might involve setting aside dedicated time for heart-to-heart conversations, free from distractions. During these talks, both parties should practice active listening, truly hearing each other’s perspectives without immediately jumping to defend or explain. Remember, the goal is understanding, not winning an argument.

Setting healthy boundaries is another crucial step in resolving jealousy. Both mother and daughter need to recognize and respect each other’s individuality and personal space. This might involve establishing clear guidelines about topics that are off-limits, or agreeing on how much involvement each person should have in the other’s life. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re fences with gates that allow for healthy interaction while maintaining personal autonomy.

In many cases, professional help can be invaluable in navigating the complex terrain of mother-daughter jealousy. Individual therapy can help each person work through their own issues and insecurities, while family therapy can address the dynamics of the relationship itself. Jealousy in child psychology often has roots in early experiences, and a skilled therapist can help uncover and heal these underlying wounds.

Building self-esteem and self-worth is crucial for both mother and daughter. Often, jealousy stems from feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. By focusing on personal growth and self-improvement, both women can develop a stronger sense of self that’s less dependent on comparison or competition with each other. This might involve pursuing hobbies, setting personal goals, or engaging in self-care practices that boost confidence and self-worth.

Finally, fostering mutual respect and appreciation can go a long way in healing a jealousy-strained relationship. Both mother and daughter should make a conscious effort to acknowledge and celebrate each other’s strengths and achievements. This doesn’t mean ignoring problems or pretending everything is perfect. Rather, it’s about cultivating a mindset of gratitude and recognition for the positive aspects of their relationship and each other’s unique qualities.

Remember, resolving mother-daughter jealousy is not a quick fix but a journey. It requires commitment, patience, and often a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about oneself and the relationship. But with persistence and the right strategies, it’s possible to transform a relationship marred by jealousy into one of mutual support and love.

In conclusion, the complex psychology of a daughter’s jealousy towards her mother is a challenging terrain to navigate. We’ve explored the root causes, from developmental stages and competition for affection to unresolved childhood issues and societal pressures. We’ve examined the various ways this jealousy can manifest, from subtle criticisms to outright attempts to undermine relationships. We’ve also delved into the far-reaching impact this jealousy can have on family dynamics and personal relationships.

Through the lens of various psychological approaches, we’ve gained a deeper understanding of the intricate emotional landscape that underlies this jealousy. From psychoanalytic insights to cognitive-behavioral strategies, attachment theory to family systems approaches, each perspective offers valuable tools for addressing this issue.

Most importantly, we’ve outlined practical strategies for resolving mother-daughter jealousy, emphasizing the importance of open communication, healthy boundaries, professional help when needed, building self-esteem, and fostering mutual respect and appreciation.

It’s crucial to remember that addressing jealousy in the mother-daughter relationship is not just about fixing a single issue. It’s about laying the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships across all aspects of life. By tackling this challenge head-on, both mothers and daughters can break free from destructive patterns and create a new paradigm of mutual support and understanding.

If you find yourself grappling with jealousy in your mother-daughter relationship, know that you’re not alone. Many women face similar struggles, and there’s no shame in seeking help. Whether through self-help resources, support groups, or professional therapy, taking steps to address this issue can lead to profound personal growth and stronger, more authentic relationships.

Remember, the journey to resolve mother-daughter jealousy may be challenging, but the rewards – a deeper connection, greater self-understanding, and healthier relationships overall – are well worth the effort. After all, the bond between a mother and daughter has the potential to be one of the most beautiful and nurturing relationships in life. By addressing jealousy head-on, you’re not just healing a single relationship; you’re paving the way for generations of healthier, happier mother-daughter bonds.

Neuro Launch



Sold a Lie – How do you spot A Cult

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, SuicideLeave a comment

Psychotherapist Gillie Jenkinson in helping people who have left cults.

Shola Lee – BBC News

  • 2 August 2025

For seven years of her twenties, Gillie Jenkinson was in a religious cult. She recalls being told what to eat, when to sleep and what clothes to wear.

“It was completely coercive, controlling,” she says, going on to add that the group operated from an “ordinary” looking terraced house.

She remembers giving all of her money to the group, believing it would go towards their mission of “saving the world”.

“None of that happened, we didn’t save anybody or do anything with it, but you’re sold a lie,” she explains.

After leaving the cult, she sought mental health support to help process her experiences but she was unable to find any trained therapist with experience in helping cult survivors.

In the end, she decided to train as a therapist herself and has now been practising for around 30 years, specialising in helping people who have left cults.

This led her to appear in the two-part BBC documentary Inside the Cult of the Jesus Army, which sees her work with people brought up in the now-defunct religious cult to recognise cult dynamics and identify the group’s impact on them.

The BBC revealed allegations of widespread child abuse in the group, which disbanded in 2019.

The Jesus Fellowship Community Trust, which has been winding up the group’s affairs, said it was sorry for “the severely detrimental impact” on people’s lives.

Speaking to the BBC, Jenkinson explains how to recognise a cult and why more support is needed for those who leave.

How do you spot a cult?

“It’s not always easy to identify a cult,” Jenkinson says, explaining that there isn’t one type of person that joins a cult, they don’t dress a certain way and they can operate from “ordinary” houses.

The Family Survival Trust (FST), a charity that offers support to those affected by cults, defines a cult as a system controlled by a charismatic and authoritarian leadership that is “rigidly bounded” and supported by a fixed set of beliefs. It involves brainwashing designed to isolate, control and exploit followers.

Cults do not have to be religious. Linguist Amanda Montell, author of Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism, explains people can “erect a cult around anything, as long as you can inject it with fear and an ‘us-versus-them’ mentality”.

Montell adds that these groups don’t even have to take place in person anymore and says they are becoming “easier” to find because of the internet, adding “so many cults do their recruiting online”.

While cults can be hard to spot, Jenkinson and Montell note some “red flags” people can look for:

  • One possible indicator Jenkinson highlights is “love bombing” – a manipulation tactic that sees abusers use affection and declarations of love as a way of gaining power and control.
  • Another common theme is promising “answers to life’s very complex problems”, like climate change or the meaning of existence, the psychotherapist adds.
  • Montell says the combination of mantras, buzzwords and nicknames for insiders and outsiders of the group, as well as language that elicits a strong reaction while encouraging us not to ask further questions, can be indicators.
  • The linguist adds that certain texts being “off-limits” in the group can also be a warning sign.
  • The most “extreme” trait of a cult for Montell is a “high barrier to exit”, meaning group members being made to feel they might lose their identity or friendships, or fear retaliation, if they leave the group.

What can you do if you think you’re in a cult?

Jenkinson encourages people to listen to their “gut feeling” if they think something is wrong, to listen to critical voices and to investigate the group online. “It might save you years of pain,” the psychotherapist says.

Jenkinson also strongly discourages relatives from giving a group money because it likely won’t go to their loved one. However, she encourages family and friends to keep lines of communication open and to ask “genuine, critical thinking questions”.

However, Jenkinson says greater support and understanding is needed for people who have left cults, explaining: “it needs destigmatising because people need help when they come out”.

She adds that there should be provision within the NHS to offer specialist counselling for those leaving cults.

A spokesperson for the Departmentof Health and Social Care says as part of its 10-year health plan it “will increase access to talking therapies to support patients”.

Jenkinson adds that changes to the law are “desperately” needed to protect those in cults. Currently in England and Wales, coercive control is illegal in intimate or family relationships. However, Jenkinson says this needs to be extended to include the coercive control that occurs in groups like cults.

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Justice says: “Cult leaders can already be prosecuted for a number of offences including fraud, false imprisonment or harassment.”

  • Details of organisations offering information and support with sexual abuse or child abuse are available at the BBC’s Action Line.

When Someone Dies – A Complicated Relationship

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual AbuseLeave a comment

by Litsa Williams

When someone dies who you had a complicated relationship with, you may experience confusing and mixed emotions. There are many different ways that this scenario can play out, but the fact is that everyone dies, even people you didn’t like or had conflict with. And when you have mixed feelings about someone in life, you will continue to have mixed feelings about them in death.

People talk all the time about losing someone they deeply loved and cared for.  As for grieving someone you had negative feelings towards, people don’t talk as much about that. The reasons why you may have had a difficult relationship are endless. Maybe they were mean or hurtful; perhaps they were violent or abusive; they could have been toxic or emotionally manipulative; maybe they betrayed you or someone you love.

 We get it, it feels weird to sort through feelings about the death of someone you didn’t always like and it can feel even weirder to talk about it.  So, today we’re going to talk about some of the circumstances that are unique to grieving someone you didn’t like.  Then we’re going to answer some of the questions that come up in those situations and talk about how to cope.  

You’re not sure if what you’re feeling is grief.

If we understand grief as a natural reaction to loss, you may be thinking that it isn’t a “loss” that this person isn’t in your world anymore. You might think if you didn’t like or want them in your life, it can’t be grief.  This can leave you confused about how to categorize the feelings and isolated in discussing the emotions. Check out our definition of grief here for more.

You feel happy or relieved

Or, you’re at least not sad about it.  In circumstances when your physical or emotional safety (or that of someone you love) was at risk because of the person who died, you may be feeling an immense sense of relief that your safety is no longer in jeopardy.  At the same time, you may also be feeling some guilt that you’re relieved or happy or not sad. Like we said, it’s complicated. Luckily we have a whole post on feeling relief in grief

Your feelings of relief are in conflict with other people’s feelings of sadness

Sometimes you have a bad or complicated relationship with someone, but other people in your life don’t. After that person dies, you may be left to sort through complicated negative feelings, while others work through more traditional grief feelings. This disconnect can leave you feeling isolated and alone, and also ill-equipped to support your grieving family and friends.

You thought your relationship with them might eventually get better.

This thought might have been conscious or it might have been subconscious.  Either way, when someone dies who you didn’t like it isn’t uncommon to suddenly feel the weight of the reality that you know will never get an apology, have a chance to apologize, or have a chance for the relationship to change and improve.  Even if those were things you never consciously wanted, knowing they are no longer even an option can be difficult.

Your grief isn’t validated by others.

If people in your life knew you didn’t get along with this person, that you had a strained relationship, or had a falling out, people may minimize the validity of your feelings.  That is a little thing known as disenfranchised grief. You may still be having intense grief feelings, despite that bitter divorce, painful custody battle, or even history of abuse.  People around you might be saying, what do you have to be upset about?!? You hated him and hadn’t talked to him for years!

Death doesn’t bring closure. 

You may have imagined that all those complicated feelings would somehow get resolved once the person died or was completely out of your life.  But there is a good chance the complicated emotions are still there, even though the person isn’t.  You wouldn’t be the first or the last.  The reality is the pain of a difficult relationship doesn’t die just because a person has died.

Remind yourself you have the right to grieve.

When someone is removed physically from our lives there is an impact, no matter how we felt about them.  It changes the relationship, and it can impact our understanding of the past and the future.  Even if the hole left in your life is a hole you believed you always wanted, that doesn’t change its emotional impact. You can deeply miss someone you had a really complicated relationship with, so give yourself permission.  The human heart is funny that way.

Remember that it is okay to feel relief.

If you feel guilty that you’re relieved, happy, or not sad about a death, let’s think through the feelings.  What you are relieved or happy about is that you are now safe and no longer fearful.  This is different than being glad someone has died.  If there were another possible way for you to feel safe, you would likely have wished that to be the outcome.  For more on this, check out our post about relief.

For better or worse, relationships continue after someone dies.

If you had a good relationship with someone, that can often continue through good memories and carrying on their legacy.  If you had a complicated relationship it often remains, well, complicated!  You may have imagined a person’s death would make you feel better or resolve some of the feelings you were having.  In some cases that’s true, but in some cases it isn’t.  You may find you still need to carry on efforts to explore your own feelings about the person or find ways to forgive (keeping in mind that foregiveness is not about saying someone’s behavior was okay!).  You can read more about forgiveness here.

Communicate about the entire relationship, the good and the bad. 

The old saying “don’t speak ill of the dead” can, unfortunately, make people feel like they have to keep their mouths shut about the problems in a relationship after the person has died.  We’re here to say, it’s okay to keep processing and talking about these issues if you need to, you may just want to choose your audience wisely.  Depending on your situation, friends or family may not be the best people to support these types of conversations.  If that is the case, a grief counselor or support group might be helpful.  What isn’t helpful is avoiding, stuffing, or ignoring the complicated emotions and memories.

Realize you may be grieving the relationship you wished you had. 

We all have ideas about what a mom or dad or friend or spouse or child is “supposed” to be.  Unfortunately, what we want a relationship to be is not always what it is.  Who we want a person to be is not always who they are.  If you are struggling to understand your own complicated emotions about the death, consider that you may be feeling grief around not having had the [mom/dad/husband/wife/friend/child] you wanted or needed.

It is still possible to finish ‘business’.

When grieving someone you didn’t like, or with whom you had a complicated relationship, there can be a feeling that any “unfinished business” will now have to be left unfinished.  It may not get finished in the way you imagined when that person was alive (if you were planning for a direct conversation, obviously that just isn’t going to happen).  You can still find ways to say the things you wanted to say.  That could be in the form of a journal, letter to the person who died, artistic expression, or with a therapist.

Consider all the ways the relationship has impacted you.

Though many of these may be negative and painful, you may also see ways you grew from the strains in the relationship.  It may be in your own commitment to not being like that person or it may be in your growth and avoidance of other negative or toxic relationships. It may even be in your ability to find forgiveness or empathy in an impossible situation.  Whatever it is, take some time to appreciate yourself and your own growth.  This is not being grateful to the person or for the hurt or problems they caused, but taking the time to give yourself credit for the growth that can come from adversity.

Whats Your Grief

Shadow Work

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Relationship Matters, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

An excellent article by Coventum

Shadow work is not just a practice of psychology. And definitely not about fixing what’s broken. It’s about discovering what’s been buried—your emotions, wounds, truths, and power.

Rooted in Jungian psychology and practiced for centuries through shamanic, spiritual, and mystical traditions, shadow work is the practice of meeting your unconscious self with honesty and compassion. It’s the journey of bringing light to what has long been kept in the dark.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung

What Is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is the practice of uncovering and integrating the unconscious parts of yourself—your fears, desires, shame, and hidden strengths. These “shadow parts” are often formed in childhood and buried by the ego to protect your identity. However, they don’t disappear. They project themselves onto others, influence your reactions, and can create patterns that keep you stuck.

To do shadow work is to observe your triggers, trace them to their roots, and reclaim what you’ve disowned. This practice is both psychological and spiritual—a return to wholeness.

Yes, you can do shadow work by yourself, and no, it’s not just for therapists or spiritual gurus. It’s for anyone ready to know themselves, fully.

Next, we’ll explore beginner-friendly methods for accepting your shadow side.

1. Observe Your Triggers

Anything that causes an intense emotional reaction—anger, shame, jealousy, discomfort—could be a window into your shadow. Pay close attention to the situations, people, or themes that spark a disproportionate emotional response.

“If you hate a person, you hate something in them that is part of yourself.” — Hermann Hesse

For example, if the sex scenes in the movies and TV shows you watch embarrass or anger you, this may indicate repressed sexuality, or if the scenes of violence and war make you happy inside, this can be interpreted as suppressed anger/hatred.

“Usually we punish the things that remind us of the parts of ourselves that we disagree with and that we are most uncomfortable with, and we often see these parts of ourselves that we deny.” -Robert A Johnson

Use these moments as data points. Ask yourself: What exactly triggered me? What emotion came up? What memory does this remind me of?

2. Take Note of Your Inner Conversations

Throughout your life, you have exhibited some behaviors, said words that you cannot understand, and then wondered why you acted or spoke this way. An archetype/sub-personality/fragment within you has taken all control.

With these parts; We can communicate through internal dialogue and/or active imagination, or simply by writing on paper or computer. In this way, we integrate these parts of us into our conscious mind.

Writing is one of the simplest shadow works exercises. You don’t need to be a writer—just be honest. Here are some powerful shadow work journal prompts to start with:

  • What emotions am I most uncomfortable feeling, and why?
  • What qualities in others do I secretly admire or resent?
  • When do I feel fake or performative?
  • What am I afraid people might find out about me?
  • Who triggers me the most—and what do they reflect back to me?

Even five minutes a day can spark surprising clarity.

3. Practice Inner Dialogue

Another beginner-friendly approach is to have a silent (or written) dialogue with a part of you that feels hidden or disruptive. This is a key practice in Jungian shadow work and can be done through meditation or imagination.

Sit in a quiet space. Close your eyes. Ask: Who wants to speak? What do you need me to hear? Then listen—without judgment.

Sometimes the part that speaks is younger, angry, fearful, or wild. All parts have something to teach.

Remember, filling our conscious mind with perfect/ideal thoughts is characteristic of most Western philosophies/theologies, and these philosophies generally do not face the shadows and dark side of the world. A person cannot become enlightened simply by imagining the light, but rather by making the darkness conscious.

4. Accept, Don’t Fix

A crucial shift: shadow work is not about fixing your shadow self—it’s about reintegrating it. The goal is not perfection or constant positivity. The goal is wholeness, honesty, and reclaiming power.

5. Creativity as Expression

Art, dance, poetry, music, and movement are excellent ways to engage with your unconscious mind. Don’t censor yourself. Let your emotions guide your creations.

Creative practices bring your shadow into form and make it easier to observe and integrate. This is also where our Pentacle Necklace comes in—a symbol of harmony between the five elements, including your inner chaos.

6. Use the World as a Mirror

What annoys you about others? What behaviours do you judge harshly? These projections are often mirrors of your disowned qualities.

Not all triggers are projections—but many are. Learning to discern which shadows are yours, which are others’, and which are shared is part of the work.

Try asking:

  • Is this reaction about me or them?
  • What part of me feels threatened?
  • What would I never allow myself to be—and why?

This is powerful reflection work. And with time, it leads to radical self-awareness.

It is also a possibility that two people may reflect similar qualities. Or, qualities that complement each other may be mirrored mutually. For example, one person tends to be overly self-sacrificing and another tends to control others. From the collision of these two, one may be the controlled and the other the controlling, where opposite but complementary qualities may be mutually projected onto each other. Examples can be multiplied. A person may be projecting jealousy, anger, greed, and all the qualities we can think of to the other side and the world.

7. Shadow Work Therapy (Optional But Powerful)

You don’t have to do shadow work alone. In fact, many people benefit from working with Jungian therapists or trauma-informed coaches.

Professional guidance can help you move through blockages faster and more safely—especially if you’re dealing with trauma, grief, or anxiety.

8. Work With Archetypes & Mythic Energy

Symbols like Lilith, Nyx, and the Crow aren’t just myth—they’re psychological mirrors. Working with dark feminine archetypes can be deeply supportive in shadow work.

References:

For more information visit Coventum

Understanding the Golden Child and Evil Child

On By LaetitiaIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

by Helena Lofgren

Image – Personality.co

The concepts of the golden child and the evil/scapegoated child can make us think of
narcissistic parents assigning these roles in a family. However, these roles can also be
assigned to adults in a cultic context, and understanding the implications of these roles
can benefit cult recovery. In my clinical work, I meet people who have left a cultic
environment, alone or together. They may be siblings who broke up with a narcissistic
parent, they may be family who left a group as a unit, or they may be friends who
withdrew from a cultic group together. Despite all the goodwill and love a survivor may
receive, healing can be difficult as there are many wounds and triggers in the
relationships between the former members. They might have different experiences in the
same context for many reasons. In the recovery process, it can be helpful to try to
understand the different roles and the dynamics among the cult leader, the golden child
and the evil/scapegoated child.
In this article I look at each one of these roles—the cult leader, the golden child, and the
evil/scapegoated child, and how they can interact. I give an example of these roles from
recent Swedish history and note some of the benefits understanding these roles can have
for helping people recover from their cultic experience.


A Note on My Therapeutic Method

In my own practice, I work with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). There are various
forms of CBT, but they share a basis in research and in theory, for example in
developmental psychology, learning psychology, cognitive psychology, and social
psychology. As research develops, so does CBT. Today it also includes research in, for
example, mindfulness and self-compassion. In CBT the therapist is active: Together with
the client, we formulate goals, treatment plans, and an agenda for each meeting. CBT is
a structured way of working with psychological problems, but there is also flexibility for
the wishes and needs of the client. There are a wide variety of techniques like exposure,
visualization, role-play, and mindfulness practices. The therapist and the client
collaborate to find ways for the client to use therapy in their everyday life in the form of
homework.
A common misconception is that CBT is superficial, or just about the here and now. For
some problems, such as arachnophobia (fear of spiders), you may not need to explore
much background. But for other problems, like trauma and chronic trauma, exploring the
client’s background is central.
Psychoeducation is also a vital part of CBT. This means educating the client about the
different ways to understand their problems and how to treat them. For example, a client with panic attacks is educated about how stress manifests in the body and the role
catastrophic thoughts play in the development of an attack, as well as how to break the
harmful cycle. There are no manuals for using CBT to treat clients coming out of cults,
but in the same spirit as with other problems, it’s important for the cult client to
understand what has happened to them psychologically, as an individual and as a
member of a cultic group. Other benefits of psychoeducation are that it reduces magical
thinking and increases the possibility of approaching issues more objectively, as the
therapist can refer to research.

The Cult Leader

The cult leader as a traumatizing narcissist

In his 2014 article on the relational system of the traumatizing narcissist, Daniel Shaw
describes two differing types of pathological narcissists who had, up to that point, been
recognized by psychoanalytic writers. This person may be a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a
cult leader, and so on. Of the two types, one is the deflated narcissist, who is thin
skinned and shame-prone with fragile self-esteem, easily wounded or insulted. The other
is the overinflated, grandiose, thick-skinned narcissist, who is manipulative, aggressive,
exploiting, and controlling. These narcissists can be charismatic, seductive, and intensely
attentive. Shaw describes the psychoanalytic view that the two types are
complementary.
Behind the deflated narcissist’s self-doubt and over-idealization is
hidden grandiosity—he enjoys grandiosity by proxy, or longs to do so;
and behind the overinflated narcissist’s entitled grandiosity is deep
insecurity and the urgent need to ward off destabilization, and often
psychosis, by manipulating and controlling others who will idealize him
(Shaw, 2014).
To these classic categories, Shaw adds the concept of the traumatizing narcissist that
goes beyond defining a character or neurological pathology. He explains that the
pathology is about subjugation of others: followers, spouses, siblings, children:
By subjugating the other, the narcissist inflates and verifies his
delusional grandiosity and omnipotence. To elevate oneself by
subjugating another is the essence of what I mean by traumatizing
narcissism. The chief means of subjugation is objectification—using the
other as one’s object to possess, suppressing the subjectivity of the
other, exploiting the other (Shaw, 2014).

The core here is that the narcissists care primarily about their own needs and feelings. If
someone else is expressing their needs, the narcissist will make the other person look
selfish and hurtful. Shaw explains that the narcissistic parent is being both envious of
and resentful toward the child’s right to be dependent and demanding. The parent will
make the child feel shame for their own needs and wishes and will learn to see themself
as the parent does, as greedy, selfish, or weak (Shaw, 2014).


The cult leader as a person with disorganized attachment
In her 2021 book, Terror, Love and Brainwashing: Attachment in Cults and Totalitarian
Systems, Alexandra Stein describes the cult leader in a similar way but uses attachment
theory to understand cult leaders and how they form groups. Attachment is an
evolutionary mechanism developed for survival. Being attached to a caregiver is a means
of protection and just as vital as seeking after food. The caregiver becomes a safe haven
where the child finds protection and can be emotionally comforted. If the parent is good
enough, the child will be securely attached and thereby develop a sense of being loved
and valuable and will be trusting of others. If the parent is not good enough, the child
will develop an insecure attachment and struggle to feel valuable and trusting of others.
The worst scenario is if the caregiver is the one who is making the child feel scared or
threatened. You can’t safely escape both from and to the same person. It becomes an impossible situation where the child will be confused and may dissociate. If this becomes
a pattern in the relationship, that child will develop a disorganized attachment.
Stein connects attachment theory with trauma research, explaining that disorganized
attachment is a chronic trauma which will prevent the brain from adequately regulating
emotions, responding to threats, and integrating thoughts and emotions. Since the
dissociation is not global, a person with disorganized attachment can be highly
functioning in other areas of their lives. According to Stein, this theory explains both the
cult leader, who has experienced disorganized attachment in their own life, and the cult
leader’s impact on followers. Regardless of what attachment pattern you grow up with,
when you are recruited into a cultic group as an adult your attachment to the group will
become disorganized (Stein, 2021).
Stein shows how the cult leader starts a cult by recruiting one person (person zero) by
alternating love and threats, manipulating the member, and isolating them from their
safe havens until the member’s attachment is disorganized. The leader’s totalitarian
ideology is not the end but a means to prevent the followers from reflecting adequately
on their situation, because if they did, they might consider leaving the group. Stein
further explains that there are two types of disorganized attachment: the dominant,
aggressive type (the leader), and the passive, obedient type (the follower). What drives
cult leaders is to make sure followers are attached to the leader (in a disorganized way),
in order that the leader may avoid abandonment. The cult leaders do this in the best way
they know, from their own experiences.

The cult leader assigning roles as a mean of control

These two models of understanding a cult leader have in common the chronic trauma
experienced by the cult leader. Their own developmental trauma has resulted in well
hidden low self-esteem and fear of being abandoned. Their behaviors look very much the
same with lack of empathy, guilt, or regret; having a shallow charm; being egocentric,
manipulative, lying, and grandiose. With this background, it’s easier to understand why
they put so much effort into controlling their followers. There are many ways to assert
control in a manipulative way. Assigning different roles is only one aspect of the control
system.

The Golden Child and the Evil/Scapegoated Child

Research on narcissistic parents indicates that there are generally two types: the
disinterested and the controlling. The disinterested parent loses interest in the child if the
child does not provide the parent with continuous confirmation and flattery. On the other
hand, if the child is successful, they will become a trophy. The controlling parent is
obsessed with the child, monitors them, and finds it very difficult to respect their
boundaries and autonomy. Both these types have low tolerance for failure. The child the
parent prefers is regarded as a “golden child,” is seen as having all the virtues of the
parent and is expected to give the parent prestige (Perrotta, 2020).
Other researchers describe how narcissistic families with several children will designate
one of them a golden child who is to be perfect in everything. The child “becomes a
property and an extension of his parent who projects on him all the grandeur and
perfection, as his images” (Costin, 2020).
The opposite role is the scapegoat. That child is denigrated and humiliated, “permanently
triangulated, i.e. compared, placed in the shadow of the golden child to accentuate his
self-doubt and discourage him from any attempt to threaten this pathological model”
(Costin, 2020).
If the golden child rebels against the expectations of the parent, their status can change
to scapegoat. In the most dysfunctional families “the parent can incite the golden child to
mistreat the scapegoat child” (Perrotta, 2020).
In a cultic context these roles can be assigned to children and/or adults. The “golden
child” becomes a role model for the other followers, and the “evil child” or scapegoat is a person you can blame for everything that goes wrong. The leader can focus on this
scapegoat to avoid recognizing their own shortcomings. These roles can quickly change
and can shift between family or cult members at the whim of leadership.
In CBT we often talk about behaviors in terms of what function they fulfill for the person
and how they affect other people and relationships. This approach can be used to explore
the functions of different roles in a cult and help the client make these links and
connections. When I do this with my clients, I give examples of the different functions
and outcomes when the leader is assigning the roles of the golden child and the evil child
in a cultic group.

The golden child

Assigning someone the role of the golden child has several benefits for the leader. This
person presents proof to the other members that it’s possible to come close to the goal
of being a successful member and that the leadership and the ideology are working.
On the other hand, there are also considerable risks with having an adult golden child.
The golden child can get too popular and, in the end, replace the leader. The cult leader
may try to minimize the risk of replacement and abandonment by damaging the potential
attachment between the golden child and other members. This is a common technique of
cult leaders, separating parents from children or spouse from spouse so the relationship
with another person does not jeopardize the relationship with the cult leader.
I experienced this firsthand in my own cult experience, which was in the Unification
Church. A local leader in New York tried to make us more loyal to him than to the leader
Moon himself. When this was revealed, the local leader was kicked out. We were told he
had been attacked by Satan and therefore we should not have any contact with him. We
were sent to a camp in upstate New York to learn to see him as the devil and reinforce
our attachment to Moon. Once the golden child became a risk to the leader, he was
turned into an evil child.

Another way of minimizing the risk a golden child presents to the leader is to give the
golden child a role which other followers not only are impressed by, but also fear. For
example, the golden child may be held up as an example of good behavior and assigned
the role of teaching others how to be good members. The golden child is often also
turned into an informer, reporting to the leader on other members’ behaviors. In the
manipulative language of the Moonies, the leader Sun Myung Moon and his wife were
called “the True Parents,” and the followers then automatically became their “children”.
The informer system was presented as helping “brothers and sisters” to follow the right
path, and if they did not, telling “mom or dad” about it by giving the information upwards
to the closest leader.
Since the goals always are unrealistic, the golden child will always ultimately fail, or at
least not reach the leader’s goals. This may lead the leader to put pressure on the golden
child to do whatever it takes to achieve results. By now the golden child is often
desperate and may use the same behaviors as the leader to punish harshly those who
fail or do not obey. In many cases the punishment is a direct instruction. The golden
child becomes a punisher, an offender. A golden child knows that if they decline to be an
informer or a punisher, the leader will be furious and severely punish what is seen as
betrayal. Falling from grace is worse than never having grace. The stakes are higher. The
golden child is in a trap. There is no way out. They will be severely punished, possibly
become the evil child, or be ostracized or kicked out of the group with nowhere to go
since they have probably by now burned all their bridges to the world outside.

The evil child

It is also beneficial for the leader to make followers obedient by setting an example of
what happens when they do not obey. This can be done by creating a scapegoat or an
“evil child”. The leadership chooses someone to blame for what are really their own
mistakes or shortcomings or as a distraction from uncomfortable situations. The leader
can take this one more step, by choosing as a scapegoat someone who is loyal and hardworking and does not see the attack coming. This instills fear in everyone–anyone
can at any moment with no obvious reason be degraded or even kicked out. In an evil
twist, the golden child can be pressured to punish whoever the leader doesn’t like, and
the rest will most likely follow, heaping criticism on the designated scapegoat.

How roles change behaviour and self-image

Being assigned a role may also change one’s self-image. In social psychology we learn
that we define ourselves by our behaviors. If you can change someone else’s behavior,
you can also change their self-image. Someone assigned the role of golden child or a role
model, being praised and rewarded, may come to view themselves as superior to other
members, as special and chosen (by the leader), the one with good results. Harsh
behavior towards others and reporting on their misdeeds are defined as being a good and
loyal member which strengthens one’s self-image. You learn to think and act like the
leader, regarding your own feelings, needs, and boundaries as expressions of
selfishness/ego/demons that you need to try to get rid of.
A person assigned the role of evil child or scapegoat may come to believe they are a bad
person. I have met people who have been punished psychologically, physically, and
socially (criticized or ostracized) by the whim of the leader, and they become desperate
to get accepted again. They behave as if they did something terrible to earn humiliation
and punishment, which in turn strengthens their self-image as an evil person.
To understand this dynamic, it is helpful to apply Robert Cialdini’s principles of influence
(Cialdini, 2021). One of these is the principle of reciprocation. First you give a person
something, like a favor, or an unsolicited gift—as when a charity sends a free tote bag or
calendar. Later you ask for something in return. The charity wants a donation. It will be
difficult to turn that request down, since we usually are raised with the understanding
that we need to repay what another person has provided. If not, we will feel guilt. This
becomes manipulative when something is presented as a favor or a gift, but in fact it is a
way to make you feel obligated to say yes to the request as a way of repaying the
original gift.

Another principle of influence is that we first induce someone to make a small
commitment; then we make a request for a larger commitment. Because humans desire
to seem consequent to ourselves and to others, the victim may be more willing to agree
to the larger request to be consistent with their prior commitment. The trick is to make
the victim change their behaviors in many small steps because small steps are easier to
accept. Once you take the first step, a sense of commitment is created which drives us to
accept the next request. And the next one. Every step strengthens our commitment, and
along with the new behaviors we change our self-image.
An example of this is, when I met the Moonies, my first step was to go to an open house,
and later sign up for a seven-day camp. When I also signed up for the 21-day camp, my
handsome new teacher saw me writing a letter to a friend, looked at me very seriously,
and said: “Now that you committed to take this seriously, taking time and energy to
write letters is not serious.”
In a cultic framework, first you are given attention, love, and a sense of community and
acceptance. Later, as you transition from recruit to follower, the leader will ask more and
more of you. As you achieve higher standing, you may be used as an example for
others—that is, you become a golden child, and may be given the job of punishing
followers. You will rationalize your cruel actions as beneficial because they support the
leader and reinforce their ideology. Your loyalty to the leader is strengthened, and your
bond with others is weakened. All this will impact your self-image. You are ‘helping’
others to do the ‘right’ thing, go to heaven, and avoid hell or being a self-centered
person.

Understanding These Roles Can Facilitate Empathy, Forgiveness,
and Restored Relationships

In the process of leaving a cultic group and trying to recover, those designated as the
good and the evil child may face various difficulties. The roles affect their relationships
with other former members, and their relationships with people outside of the group. For
example, a person who was always the scapegoat can have the impression that the
golden child did not suffer, and may also regard the golden child as evil, thinking that
they themselves would never treat someone else in such a cruel way. On the other hand,
the person who was the golden child and was forced to punish others can drown in guilt
without seeing that they were also a victim.
My experience as a therapist is that discussing these roles and understanding their
dynamics can be helpful in recovery from a cultic group experience. When former
members can see that they were all pawns in a cruel game, they may develop
understanding and empathy with each other’s difficulties. The situation is not black and
white. Understanding these different roles, those of the cult leader, golden child, and
scapegoat, can be a basis for working with shame, guilt, and fear; can facilitate
forgiveness; and, in the end, may even facilitate restoration of relationships. Of course,
in extreme cases, a relationship may be neither appropriate nor possible. Clients need to
build or reclaim their identity and learn to respect their own feelings and boundaries.
Forgiveness might not be possible, but at least their story can be more comprehensible.

About the Author: Helena Löfgren is a licensed psychotherapist (CBT) and has a
Bachelor of Psychology. She is also a former member of the Unification Church in New
York. lofgrensanalys.se