The complexity of grief is difficult to describe or understand, especially when it’s a family member one has been estranged from.
We have every right to feel sad, angry, resentful, or even guilty, whether the estrangement was our choice or not.
When we lose those we were distanced from, the pain is still there. Yet, many do not understand, so it can feel isolating.
Grieving the loss of a parent from whom you were estranged is a very difficult experience. You have the grief that comes from loss and the permanence of death. Death is a very traumatic experience, and that grief can never be replicated or compared. However, the grief that follows when someone has been estranged from a family member or loved one can sometimes feel worse. It is filled with guilt, shame, and a sense of loss—or of grieving what wasn’t there.
With estrangement, there is so much unknown: Some people might struggle with guilt or anger, having wanted a reconciliation, yet they are unable because it is too late. This brings the loss of what could have—and should have— been, coupled with the knowledge of what is unattainable. Many others might struggle with resentment. One client put it perfectly: “I don’t even have the luxury of grieving the loss of my dad because, instead, I’m grieving the loss of who my dad was—and our lack of a healthy relationship.” My client echoed the feelings and sentiments that many others, myself included, have felt.
The questions and judgments from others make it all the more difficult for survivors of estrangement. There are the insensitive and unaware questions or comments such as “But they’re your family; you should have talked to them” or guilt trips such as “Why are you sad? You didn’t talk to them anyway.” To someone who has never been estranged, it’s impossible to understand. To them, it might just seem like a petty argument or disagreement, and they might automatically blame the survivor for their feelings of grief.
Many estrangements are due to traumas, conflict within the family, mental illness, abuse, or other elements that make the relationship difficult—or impossible—to navigate. Too many well-meaning friends will tell you to “just move on,” not knowing that it’s not that simple. Comments like this place the blame for the estrangement on an already vulnerable and often traumatized individual.
Here are five steps to help you navigate the grief experience of losing a parent from whom you were estranged:
Validate and honor your feelings. You have every right to feel sad, angry, resentful, or even guilty. You do not owe anyone an explanation for these feelings, nor do you need permission to feel them. Survivors of family estrangement are often blamed for the estrangement, whether it was your choice or not, and are often made to feel that their feelings aren’t valid with comments such as “Well, you didn’t talk anyway, so it can’t be that hard.”
Negative feelings do not mean you need to act differently. Many survivors feel that negative feelings, specifically guilt, mean we were wrong and that the estrangement was our “fault,” or that there was something we should have done differently. This is not only unfair, but it is also unrealistic. Allow yourself to acknowledge these feelings, but try not to let them gaslight you into thinking your experiences didn’t happen.
Seek support from those who understand. During your grieving process, choose to spend time with those who validate you and your feelings. Whether they are friends, family, support groups, or others who understand, you need people in your corner who are not going to challenge your feelings or make you feel like you have to “prove” your grief, which can make you feel misunderstood and uncomfortable.
Remember that grief is like riding a wave. You will have good days, or even good weeks, when you think you’re all done grieving, only to hear a familiar song or smell a nostalgic smell that brings you right back. Know that this is normal and that it is part of the process.
Seek professional support if needed. Do not be afraid to seek professional support from a therapist. Navigating grief is extremely difficult, especially if there was any sort of dysfunction in the family relationship. Most of my clients have histories of traumatic or dysfunctional families, and the death of a parent or family member does not take that dysfunction away. They still have the unhealthy messages and unhealed traumas to unpack and work through—even more with the addition of grief.
I have had clients speak to me about their dilemma of wanting to keep their loved on alive even though they have reached the end of their time. If the loved one is terminally ill and suffering it is better to do what is best for your loved one. Although this is a difficult choice, it is a brave and unselfish act to agree to let them go.
This article may be helpful to those who find themselves in this situation.
Many recent news stories have focused on right-to-die issues — what options might we want, and what control can we exert, as we approach the end of life? When death is sudden and unexpected, there are few choices, and if there has been no preparation for this moment, events will unfold as medical and emergency staff see fit. But when illness is chronic or prolonged, or when pain, frailty and old age impact the quality of life, there are measures we can take to have our wishes respected, to share those wishes with others, and to request a dignified, comfortable death.
An NPR story last year examined why some health care providers are hesitant to discuss end-of-life measures, even with seriously ill patients. There are many reasons: not enough time; not wanting the patient to give up hope; discomfort with the topic. One suggestion has been to initiate a physician-patient discussion about end-of-life issues automatically each year. Not all patients welcome the discussion, but sometimes the increased feeling of control actually can make patients with long-term illnesses feel better. They can decide, for example, to refuse certain medical treatments. They can decide if they want “heroic measures” — feeding tubes, CPR, ventilators, defibrillators — to prolong their lives when a desirable quality of life (however one may define that) might not be possible.
Making these decisions isn’t easy, and for family members and friends, accepting these decisions may be challenging, even traumatic. In our recent NewsHour columns, we talked about Advance Directives, hospice care, and other measures designed to make — as much as possible — the end of life a more peaceful transition for the patient. But watching someone you love slip away can be so overwhelming that it is instinctive to want to do everything possible to keep that person alive, even against their own wishes. How do you accept letting go?
Where to begin
Sometimes we hear from our clients that the person they are caring for wants to discuss these matters, but they or their family members are reluctant to face the issue. Below are some ideas to help begin the process to help clarify decisions about the end of life. Experts advise that you begin by thinking and talking about values and beliefs, hopes and fears. Consult with health care practitioners when you need more information about an illness or treatment.
Consider first the questions below:
What makes life worth living?
What would make life definitely not worth living?
What might at first seem too much to put up with, but then might seem manageable after getting familiar with the situation and learning to deal with it?
If you knew life was coming to an end, what would be comforting and make dying feel safe?
What, in that situation, would you want to avoid?
How much control is important for you to have when facing a terminal illness?
Then, if you have the opportunity, and before a loved one is incapacitated, try to explore these more specific questions:
Whom do you want to make decisions for you if you are not able to make your own, on both financial matters and health care decisions? The same person might not be right for both.
What medical treatments and care are acceptable to you? Are there some that you fear?
Do you wish to be resuscitated if you stop breathing and/or your heart stops? What if there is no hope for full recovery?
Do you want to be hospitalized or stay at home or somewhere else if you are seriously or terminally ill?
How will your care be paid for? Have you overlooked something that will be costly at a time when your loved ones are distracted by grieving over your condition or death?
Will your family be prepared for the decisions they may have to make?
Write the responses down, and share with family members. To formalize the process, you can complete an Advance Directive and POLST (Physician’s Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment). Both documents can be revised at a later date if you wish.
A note: This process is not appropriate for everyone. There may be historic, religious or cultural differences within families that affect their willingness to discuss these deeply personal matters. If it makes sense to bring up these topics, do so. If it is not something that your family is comfortable with, you might not be able to get the answers you seek. You can try again at a later time — or perhaps not at all. Families have their own dynamics, and for some, this discussion simply may not be achievable or desirable. In the case of a serious illness, events will unfold as they may. That is also a choice, and must be respected.
Letting Go
Even after the conversations are held and legal documents completed, reaching acceptance that a person is dying is a difficult path for the individual who is ill as well as for their family members. The person who is ill doesn’t want to cause grief. She may feel there is unfinished business within the family — a reconciliation not completed, an “I love you” never stated out loud. He may be fearful of pain, of the loss of control, of the loss of dignity. And of course family members share these fears. They may dread the grief or fear of losing this critical person in their lives. They may want to attempt the very measures — the heroic measures — that the individual specifically stated he or she does not want.
Despite the pain of grief for those we love, being able to let them go is not about our needs, nor about the physician’s need to try to heal even in the face of impossible odds. It is about what our loved ones need and want to reduce their suffering and help them die in dignity. When those wishes have been talked about, and when they are in writing, a family has the comfort and assurance that they are doing the right thing if they are asked to give permission to accept comfort measures instead of life-sustaining interventions.
A natural process sometimes occurs as an illness progresses. As death nears, many people feel a lessening of the desire to live longer. Some people describe a profound tiredness. Others may feel they have struggled as much as they have been called upon to do and will struggle no more. A family’s refusal to let go can prolong dying, but cannot prevent it. Dying, thus prolonged, can become more a time of suffering than of living.
Family members and friends may experience a similar change. At first, we may adjust to managing a chronic illness, then learn to accept a life-limiting illness, then accept the possibility of a loved one’s dying. Finally, we may see that dying is the better of two choices, and be ready to give the loved one permission to die. The dying person may be distressed at causing grief for those who love them, and, receiving permission to die can relieve their distress. There is a time for this to happen. Before that, it feels wrong to accept a loss, but after that it can be an act of great kindness to say, “You may go when you feel it is time. I will be OK.”
At the time a person is near death, sometimes touch is the best communication. Gentle stroking of a hand or a cheek, and quietly reassuring the person that you love them and that you will be all right is perhaps the most compassionate way to ease your loved one on his journey. In a situation where you are not present at the time of death, forgive yourself and know that you did the best you could to make the final hours or weeks of life peaceful and meaningful.
Grief
Each individual grieves in his or her own way and for an unpredictable amount of time—there is no “correct” way. Grief affects us emotionally, physically and spiritually. There is a deep understanding that nothing will ever be the same. Grief is most acute when someone dies or shortly thereafter, but there are also the effects of “anticipatory grief” and what is sometimes called “ambiguous loss.”
When someone has a long-term illness such as terminal cancer or Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s disease, we may begin a grieving process long before the person passes away. Particularly when an illness causes cognitive or memory decline, we grieve the person who used to be. They were our partners, our siblings, our parents. We remember their personalities, their intelligence, energy, talent, humor. They were our best friend, companion, adversary, advisor or confidante. As those characteristics fade with increasing illness, we start grieving their loss. The body may be there, but the person has changed irrevocably. It may have been difficult, frustrating and exhausting to care for the individual, and sometimes, caregivers see death as a relief. As a consequence, for many family caregivers, there is an extreme feeling of guilt over that relief. This is not an unusual reaction, but if the emotions persist, counselling or support groups may help you get through the conflicting and troubling feelings.
For other people, there is a delay in feelings of grief, or the feelings may be buried or expressed in different ways — withdrawal, anger, escape through drugs or alcohol, or intense involvement in work. Grief reactions may be unexpected and waves of painful memories may assault you at unpredictable times. The anniversary of a person’s death or other important dates can be particularly tough. However the process unfolds, take care of yourself, cry when you need to, seek solitude if that helps, and try to give yourself the space you need to reach an even keel.
While the passing of time will not erase feelings of loss, the intensity will ease somewhat as months and years go by. If you find it too difficult to move on with your life, you may be facing situational depression. Find time to talk with a grief counselor or attend a grief support group (often available from hospice). It is very important to take good care of — and be kind to — yourself. The organizations and resources listed below, or those in your personal or faith network, may also be able to help as you move through this profound experience — one we all must face at some time in our lives. One that makes us human.
(This person says it how it is, it may be ‘tough talking’ here, but they are right!)
(Image- Psychmechanics)
I thought I’d share this. Many of us deal with these types of not-quite-right adult children.
Narcissistic adult children demand you do what they want, try to control you, push every boundary, throw temper tantrums, blackmail you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, try to bribe you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blame their behaviour on you.
Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else. They say your job is to make them happy. They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.
What a nasty and unending list. If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt. You don’t deserve to be used and abused. You don’t owe them anything anymore. Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.
Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more. They think they’re entitled to whatever they want. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious. They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault. Their justifications will last forever.
I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children. There’s no hope down that path. Stop meddling and enabling them. These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.
The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact. Don’t debate or argue about who’s right. Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves. Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your future because, really, you are taking your life back. Now you can enjoy the rest of your life. You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.
Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications. But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry. Your life will shrivel up like a prune.
If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now. With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in. And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums. And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want. And nothing is for free.
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Suicidal feelings can affect anyone, of any age, gender or background, at any time.
If you are feeling suicidal it is likely that you have felt increasingly hopeless and worthless for some time. You may not know what has caused you to feel this way but it is often a combination of factors.
Common causes of suicidal feelings
Struggling to cope with certain difficulties in your life can cause you to feel suicidal. These difficulties may include:
If you are unsure of why you feel suicidal, you may find it even harder to believe that there could be a solution. But whatever the reason, there is support available to help you cope and overcome these feelings.
Can medication cause suicidal feelings?
Some medications, such as antidepressants, can cause some people to experience suicidal feelings. This side effect is often associated with a type of antidepressant called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). But all antidepressants have this as a possible risk.
Some research shows that young people under the age of 25 are more likely to experience suicidal feelings when taking these medications.
If you experience suicidal feelings while taking psychiatric medication, you should talk to your GP as soon as possible about this.
Feeling suicidal
Suicide is the act of intentionally taking your own life.
Suicidal feelings can mean having abstract thoughts about ending your life or feeling that people would be better off without you. Or it can mean thinking about methods of suicide or making clear plans to take your own life.
If you are feeling suicidal, you might be scared or confused by these feelings. You may find the feelings overwhelming.
But you are not alone. Many people think about suicide at some point in their lifetime.
What does it feel like to be suicidal?
Different people have different experiences of suicidal feelings. You might feel unable to cope with the difficult feelings you are experiencing. You may feel less like you want to die and more like you cannot go on living the life you have.
These feelings may build over time or might change from moment to moment. And it’s common to not understand why you feel this way.
How you might think or feel
hopeless, like there is no point in living
tearful and overwhelmed by negative thoughts
unbearable pain that you can’t imagine ending
useless, not wanted or not needed by others
desperate, as if you have no other choice
like everyone would be better off without you
cut off from your body or physically numb
fascinated by death.
What you may experience
poor sleep, including waking up earlier than you want to
a change in appetite, weight gain or loss
no desire to take care of yourself, for example neglecting your physical appearance
How long suicidal feelings last is different for everyone. It is common to feel as if you’ll never be happy or hopeful again.
But with treatment and support, including self-care, the majority of people who have felt suicidal go on to live fulfilling lives.
The earlier you let someone know how you’re feeling, the quicker you’ll be able to get support to overcome these feelings. But it can feel difficult to open up to people.
You may want others to understand what you’re going through, but you might feel:
unable to tell someone
unsure of who to tell
concerned that they won’t understand
fearful of being judged
worried you’ll upset them.
If you feel like this, you might find it helpful to show our pages on supporting someone else with suicidal feelings to someone you trust. This can be a good way of starting the conversation and can give them suggestions of how they can help you.
It’s important to remember that you deserve support, you are not alone and there is support out there.
MythOne – Suicide is very uncommon. False. In the US, nearly 30,000 people die by suicide each year, and the rate of attempted suicide is much higher—so much so that there is an estimated one attempted suicide per minute. Worldwide, suicide claims more deaths than accidents, homicides, and war combined. And many cases of suicide, particularly in the elderly, go completely undetected and unaccounted.
Myth Two – People often commit suicide for rational reasons. False. Psychiatrists believe that over 90 per cent of cases of suicide are not the result of a rational decision but of mental disorder. Suicidal ideation can be particularly intense in people with a mental disorder who are unmedicated or who are resistant to or non-compliant with their medication, and/or who are experiencing certain high risk symptoms such as delusions of persecution, delusions of control, delusions of jealousy, delusions of guilt, and commanding second-person auditory hallucinations (for example, a voice saying, ‘Take that knife and kill yourself’).
Myth Three –People are most likely to commit suicide around Christmas time. False. Contrary to popular belief, the suicide rate peaks in the springtime, not the wintertime. This is probably because the rebirth that marks springtime accentuates feelings of hopelessness in those already suffering with it. In contrast, around Christmas time most people with suicidal thoughts are offered some degree of protection by the proximity of their relatives and the prospect, at least in the Northern Hemisphere, of ‘things getting better from here’.
Myth Four – The suicide rate rises during times of economic depression and falls during times of economic boom. False. The suicide rate rises during times of economic depression and during times of economic boom, as people feel ‘left behind’ if every Tom, Dick, and Harry seems to be racing ahead. Although economists focus on the absolute size of salaries, several sociological studies have found that the effect of money on happiness results less from the things that money can buy (absolute income effect) than from comparing one’s income to that of one’s peers (relative income effect). This may explain the finding that people in developed countries such as the USA and the UK are no happier than 50 years ago; despite being considerably richer, healthier, and better travelled, they have only barely managed to ‘keep up with the Joneses’.
Myth Five – The suicide rate rises during times of war and strife. False. The suicide rate falls during times of national cohesion or coming together, such as during a war or its modern substitute, the international sporting tournament. During such times there is not only a feeling of ‘being in it together’, but also a sense of anticipation and curiosity as to what is going to happen next. For instance, a study looking at England and Wales found that the number of suicides reported for the month of September 2001 (in the aftermath of 9/11) was significantly lower than for any other month of that year, and lower than for any month of September in 22 years. According to the author of the study, these findings ‘support Durkheim’s theory that periods of external threat create group integration within society and lower the suicide rate through the impact on social cohesion’.
Myth Six –Suicide is always an act of individual despair and never a learned behavior. False. For example, the suicide rate rises after the depiction or prominent reporting of a suicide in the media. A suicide that is inspired by another suicide, either in the media or in real life, is sometimes referred to as a ‘copycat suicide’, and the phenomenon itself as the ‘Werther effect’. In 1774 the German polymath JW Goethe (1749–1832) published a novel called The Sorrows of Young Werther in which the fictional character of Werther shoots himself following an ill-fated romance. Within no time at all, young men from all over Europe began committing suicide using exactly the same method as Werther and the book had to be banned in several places. In some cases suicide can spread through an entire local community with one copycat suicide giving rise to the next, and so on. Such a ‘suicide contagion’ is most likely to occur in vulnerable population groups such as disaffected teenagers and people with a mental disorder.
Myth Seven – Someone who has been admitted to hospital is no longer at risk of committing suicide. False. Psychiatric in-patients are at an especially high risk of committing suicide despite the sometimes continuous care and supervision that they receive: every year in England, about 150 psychiatric in-patients commit suicide. The risk of suicide is also increased in medical and surgical in-patients in general hospitals. Medical and surgical in-patients suffering from illnesses that are terminal, that involve chronic (long-term) pain or disability, or that directly affect the brain are at an especially high risk of suicide. Examples of such illnesses include cancer, early-onset diabetes, stroke, epilepsy, multiple sclerosis, and AIDS.
Taking The Helm 