Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is a psychological condition that causes someone to engage in attention-seeking behaviour. Some aspects of this condition may cause a person to lie to manipulate others.
It is possible that those with HPD may lie more than those without this condition, as they may feel the need to manipulate others to attract their attention. There is no research indicating how frequently those with HPD lie compared with those in the general population. However, anecdotal evidence suggests people with HPD may lie or exaggerate the truth.
This article will closely examine HPD and its connection to lying and how to deal with lying and manipulation.
There are several traits relating toTrusted Source HPD that may cause a person to lie, exaggerate the truth, or manipulate, such as:
Feeling uncomfortable when not the center of attention: Those with HPD feel a need to be the center of attention and, therefore, may use lying or exaggeration as a way to attract attention to themselves.
Shallow or frequently shifting emotions: This means that people with HPD may exhibit emotions that seem insincere to others and change often depending on the situation.
Exaggerating emotions: Someone with HPD may exhibit emotions in an overly dramatic or exaggerated way to attract attention from others.
Manipulative tendencies are common for people with HPD, as they may feel a need to gain attention from those around them or use their emotions to control those around them. They may make up either positive or negative emotions or stories to get this attention.
What is histrionic personality disorder?
Personality disorders are psychological conditions that affect the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves. These conditions cause someone to behave outside of cultural expectations in ways that may cause distress and problems with functioning and maintaining relationships.
HPD is a cluster B personality disorder. Cluster B personality disorders cause a person to have difficulty regulating their emotions and maintaining personal relationships. ResearchersTrusted Source are not sure what causes HPD, but it likely has links to factors such as trauma in early childhood and certain parenting styles.
Other histrionic traits include:
frequent flirtatious or seductive behaviour
using appearance or clothing to attract attention
exaggerated or overly dramatic emotions
being easily influenced by others
thinking relationships with others are closer than they really are
Pathological lying describes somebody who persistently and compulsively tells lies to the point that it damages their personal and professional lives and relationships. Pathological lying can cause distress and harm to both the pathological liar and those around them and persists longer than 6 monthsTrusted Source . A person can not receive a diagnosis as a pathological liar, but a doctor may recognize pathological lying as part of a personality disorder.
According to research from 2020, pathological lying has a prevalence of around 8–13%Trusted Source . A person may lie pathologically to bring attention to themselves or to otherwise benefit from the lies they tell.
Maintaining any kind of relationship with someone who engages in lying and manipulative behavior can be difficult. This behavior can damage relationships and affect a person’s well-being.
It is important to remember that the individual telling lies or engaging in manipulative behavior may not be in control of their actions or may be acting due to their own distress. Avoiding judgment and blame while setting and maintaining strong boundaries may help a person protect themselves and their relationship.
Certain methods may help someone deal with lying and manipulation, such as:
not engaging with them or seeming uninterested
having strong boundaries and saying “no”
understanding they are responsible for their own feelings and behaviors
helping them identify their reasons for lying and manipulating
helping them find support from a doctor or therapist
Support for friends and family of those with personality disorders can help people maintain their own well-being and their relationship with someone with a personality disorder. Learning more about their condition can help with maintaining a healthy relationship in which all parties feel safe and comfortable.
Therapy may be a helpful tool for those living with others who have personality disorders to express their feelings and experiences and receive support. A person may use other tools, such as support groups and online resources, to find support.
HPD is a personality disorder that causes someone to exhibit exaggerated emotions and engage in extreme attention-seeking behavior. Part of this behavior may involve lying and manipulation to gain the attention of those around them.
Pathological lying is not a diagnosable condition but may occur when someone has a personality disorder.
Finally getting out of a relationship with a narcissist doesn’t mean you just walk away and everything resets — if only.
The way you moved, spoke, and reacted around them wasn’t random; it was survival. And even when they’re no longer in your life, some of those habits stick around for a long time to come. These mannerisms aren’t flaws, just reminders of what you had to do to get through it. If any of these feel familiar, know that you’re not alone. Keep working through your experience and finding ways to process them so that you can truly move forward without the baggage of their abuse.
1. They say sorry way too much.
Apologising becomes second nature after constantly being made to feel like everything was their fault. Even when they haven’t done anything wrong, “sorry” just slips out, like a reflex. It’s easier to apologise first than to risk upsetting someone, even if there’s no reason to think they’re actually mad. It can be for little things, like taking up space in a room or accidentally bumping into someone. The need to smooth things over before there’s even a problem is just something they learned along the way. Over time, they start realising they don’t need to apologise for simply existing.
2. They hesitate before saying what they really think.
When every opinion was once picked apart or twisted against them, speaking up starts to feel risky. They might pause before answering simple questions, trying to figure out the “right” thing to say. Even harmless opinions like what they want for dinner can make them feel like they’re putting themselves in the line of fire. It’s not that they don’t have thoughts or preferences. It’s just that, for a long time, sharing them came with consequences. Eventually, they start realising that safe people won’t punish them for having a voice.
3. They over-explain everything.
When someone’s spent years being gaslit, they get used to having to “prove” their reality. They might give way more detail than necessary when telling a story, just to make sure they won’t be misunderstood. Even when no one is doubting them, they feel the need to justify every little thing. It’s the same with making decisions, explaining why they chose something before anyone even questions them. They’re just used to having to defend themselves, even when there’s no fight to be had. Eventually, they learn that they don’t owe anyone a 10-minute breakdown of why they picked one option over another.
4. They struggle to make decisions on their own.
When every choice was once criticised, even small decisions can feel overwhelming. They might freeze up over what movie to watch or what restaurant to pick, worrying they’ll “get it wrong.” The fear of making a mistake, even when it doesn’t matter, sticks around for a while. It’s not because they don’t care or are trying to be difficult. It’s just that they got used to someone making them second-guess every move. Learning to trust their own choices again takes time, but it happens.
5. They downplay their own feelings.
After years of being told they were “too sensitive” or “overreacting,” they start believing it. They might brush off things that actually hurt, convincing themselves it wasn’t that bad. Even when something really bothers them, their first instinct is to push it aside. They might say things like, “I don’t want to be dramatic, but…” or “It’s not a big deal.” It’s just what happens when someone’s been made to feel like their emotions are an inconvenience. Eventually, they start unlearning that and realising their feelings are valid.
6. They get tense when someone’s mood suddenly changes.
People who’ve been around narcissists know how quickly things can flip. One second everything’s fine, the next, there’s tension in the air, and they have no idea why. So they get really good at noticing tiny shifts in body language, tone, or energy. It’s like an automatic response — they pick up on the smallest signs of frustration and start preparing for what’s coming. Even when no one’s actually upset, their brain still sends out a warning. Over time, they realise that not every sigh or pause means danger, but that instinct doesn’t fade overnight.
7. They can’t accept compliments to save their lives.
When someone’s been picked apart for long enough, nice words can feel… weird. Compliments don’t quite register, or they feel the need to downplay them. “Oh, this outfit? I just threw it on,” or “I got lucky, that’s all.” It’s easier to brush off praise than accept it. It’s not that they don’t appreciate it; they just don’t know how to believe it. Being treated with kindness feels foreign after being criticised for so long. Eventually, they start letting the good words sink in instead of automatically deflecting them.
8. They’re super tuned in to other people’s emotions.
Living with a narcissist means always being on high alert for their mood swings. Over time, survivors develop a hypersensitivity to other people’s emotions. They can walk into a room and immediately sense if something feels “off.” It’s not just empathy — it’s survival. They learned to read the energy of a situation to avoid conflict. But constantly scanning for signs of trouble is exhausting, and they eventually start realising they don’t have to do that with safe people.
9. They pause before answering simple questions.
Even casual conversations can feel like a test. When you’ve been with someone who twisted your words, you learn to tread carefully. Even answering “How was your day?” might come with a pause while they run through all the possible ways their response could be taken. They’re not hiding anything; they’re just used to walking on eggshells. Eventually, they get to a place where they don’t feel the need to filter themselves so much. But at first, even harmless questions can feel loaded.
10. They hate asking for help.
When someone’s been made to feel like a burden, asking for help feels impossible. They might convince themselves they should be able to handle everything alone. Even when they’re struggling, the idea of leaning on someone feels unnatural. It’s not that they don’t need support; they just don’t want to be an inconvenience. Over time, they start learning that healthy relationships involve give and take. But breaking the habit of doing everything solo takes time.
11. They get nervous when things are going too well.
For survivors, peace can feel unfamiliar. When they’re in a stable, loving relationship or things in life are actually going smoothly, a little voice in their head whispers, “This won’t last.” They’re used to good moments being followed by chaos. Even when they want to relax and enjoy things, part of them stays on guard. They seem like they don’t trust happiness because they were trained to expect the rug to be pulled out from under them. Eventually, they realise that real, healthy love doesn’t come with hidden conditions.
12. They sometimes don’t trust their own judgement.
When someone’s spent years being told they’re wrong, they start believing it. Even after leaving, they struggle to trust their instincts. “Am I overreacting?” “Am I the problem?” “What if I’m being unfair?” Making choices without second-guessing themselves feels foreign. But the more they rebuild their confidence, the more they start recognising that they were never the issue. Learning to trust themselves again is part of the healing process.
13. They feel guilty for setting boundaries.
For so long, saying “no” or putting themselves first meant backlash. Narcissists don’t respect boundaries, so survivors learned that standing up for themselves just made things worse. Even after leaving, setting limits can make them feel selfish or anxious. They might feel like they need to over-explain why they can’t do something or worry that people will be upset with them. But after a while, they start realising that boundaries aren’t mean, they’re necessary — and the right people will respect them.
14. They’re still figuring out what safe love looks like
After being conditioned to accept toxic love, healthy relationships can feel confusing. They might not trust kindness at first or feel uneasy when there’s no drama. It takes time to rewire their brain to see love as something safe, not something they have to earn. But little by little, they start recognising what real love feels like. And when they do, they realise they never have to settle for anything less again.
Isnt it bad enough, that after you get the strength and courage to leave your narcissist, and after youve already lost your self-worth, your youth, your time, lots of your money, your sanity, and whatever else you lost because of being in a narcissistic relationship, now you have to lose your kids too? It just isnt fair; and it isnt right.
Youve watched your narcissist manage to convince joint friends and other community members and sometimes even family members that you are the crazy one and he/she is the victim, by his/her masterful manipulation strategies. People are hoodwinked and dont even realize it. Your good name is slandered. You feel alone, humiliated, discouraged, disheartened, and vengeful.
Now, your kids are subjected to the smear campaign against you and you find it is actually working. It is enough to make you either curl up in the fetal position and give up, or rage with anger like an erupting volcano. Of course, to do either would confirm the reality of the premise of the smear campaign that you are deranged and crazy.
And if you talk about the situation, others will not understand and will simply conclude on their own that the other party must be right you are psychotic. Its a no win situation. Say nothing and your name is tarnished. Say anything and your craziness is confirmed.
And if you talk to your own kids about the situation you are drawing them into the middle of your relationship problems with their other parent which is a big no no.
Does going no contact include going no contact with your own children as well?
When you seek help from a therapist, you often find that he/she is just as much at a loss as you, because those in the counseling community are often not well-equipped to handle such relationship dynamics. No one is, really.
The courts rarely help and often exacerbate the problem. And if your children are not minors, then court involvement is pointless. Besides that, you cant legally force anyone to see the truth. Denial is denial and brainwashing is not easily countered.
So, what is a parent to do under these circumstances? Here are some helpful suggestions:
Do not be defensive. I know this is hard, but it is essential for your own peace of mind. Remember, during your entire relationship with the narcissist you were always put on the defense. Dont let him/her continue to keep you on that course, even through your children. You dont have to defend yourself. You dont have to be a perfect human being, always showing others why you are worthy.
In practical terms, the way you do this is to change course whenever you have the feeling of defensiveness. If you feel defensive, then dont talk, dont try to get anyone else to see the truth. Go for a walk. Write in your journal. Call a friend and vent. Do something else until the feeling is no longer pressing you.
Be strong. Do not give into the feeling of hopelessness and defeat. You have no leverage if you give up and give in to your weakest self. Your children are best served by feeling your strength and by not seeing you being manipulated by the other parent. You are best served by remaining steadfast, stable, strong, and resolute.
Do not give in to the need for approval from your children. Hustling for the approval of any person is not healthy or wise, even if the person happens to be your offspring. Once you need your children to approve of you then you have given your power away to them (and by proxy, to the other parent.)In order to do this you must keep validating yourself and getting external validation from your safe relationships and from your spiritual resources.
Realize you are not alone. Other parents struggle too. While, being among company with other parents is not a solution to the problem, it is important for keeping a proper perspective. What I mean by this, is that other parents, even those not in narcissistic relationships, also struggle with relationship (and other) problems with their children.
Many parents have children that reject them or turn to drugs or unhealthy relationships despite their parents desires. Adult children often choose a lifestyle or belief system that is against everything their parents stood for while raising them. There will be no good end to trying to force your children to see things your way.
Many parents also struggle with other difficult parenting conditions, such as having their children face some personal problem where the parent was unable to help such as a health problem, bullying or criminal or other out of their control situation.
Keep a healthy perspective.As mentioned above, it is important to keep the proper perspective. Having a balanced perspective is necessary for keeping your sanity. The best way to do this is to not react on your feelings, but rather to think things through with balance and maturity.
In essence, don’t horriblize the situation, remain calm, and be a problem solver. Reacting with strong emotions will not help you, thinking things through unemotionally will help you in the end. Look at the big picture, and resist the urge to join, “The War of the Roses” with your ex.
State your position once and then move on. It is fair for you to state your position on a matter to your children in order to shed light on the truth. Having your own voice is important for recovery from narcissistic abuse. That being said dont be a broken record; state your position once, and move on.
Practice Acceptance. Dont dwell on the negativity of it all. Narcissists do nothing but create a vortex of drama that leads your life into a cesspool. Drag yourself out of the cesspool and land on solid ground, where peace and sunshine abound. Dont allow the narcissist to steal your joy, even if he/she manages to manipulate your children into his/her web of deception and ugliness.
Why families need to pay more attention….. by Peg Streep
Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:
“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”
This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favourites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favoured daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.
How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse
KEY POINTS
The term “sibling rivalry” can mislead parents, leading them to ignore sibling abuse.
Healthy competition requires balance of power between siblings. Parents can contribute by not playing favorites or using competion to criticize.
Physical aggression is strikingly common between and among siblings. Surprisingly, it can teach valuable skills when it is mutual or dyadic.
Sibling abuse is about power. It is always one-sided.
Source: Obie Fernandez/Unsplash
Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:
“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”
This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favorites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favored daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.
How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse
But, sometimes, a sibling’s verbal abuse isn’t an echo but an act of individual aggression, and it’s sad that parents don’t always recognize it as such and write it off as a function of “sibling rivalry” — a supposedly a “normal” occurrence in families with more than one child.
In his 2012 book Sibling Aggression, Jonathan Caspi noted that this normalization isn’t just limited to laypeople but to professionals as well. He writes that despite a growing body of research which shows otherwise, “the mistaken belief that sibling violence is not harmful normalizes it. Statements such as ‘My brother beat on me and I am fine’ and ‘Boys will be boys’ minimize honest appraisals of possible effects and validate its continued use.” He notes that practitioners too grew up with the same social context—thinking that sibling aggression is normal—and so their judgments about family dynamics are often clouded by their own internalized views. He surmises that this point of view limits research as well. He uses sibling aggression as an umbrella term which encompasses four categories which he arranges in order of effect, going from most mild to severe; in order, they are competition,conflict,violence, and abuse.
Understanding competition between siblings
Healthy competition can motivate and challenge siblings to develop their skills and talents. Famous siblings in sports — the Williams sisters or the Manning brothers — immediately come to mind. But when the aim of the competition is to highlight one sibling’s flaws or inadequacies, competition moves from being inspirational to being hurtful and damaging. (Think about the Jackson Five, their siblings, and their abusive father, for example.) Caspi notes that most of the time, one sibling’s advanced skills don’t damage another’s self-esteem.
Surveying conflict in sibling relationships
Every family experiences some amount of conflict and, as Caspi notes, constructive sibling conflict promotes social and emotional competence, teaches problem-solving, and helps a child hone his or her emotional regulation. My own thought is that, for this to happen, parents have to have modeled and implemented cooperative ways of dealing with disagreements and conflict. In households where verbal abuse is the default, this isn’t going to happen.
But even in a household where constructive behaviour has been modelled, it’s clear that constant negative conflict between siblings can alter the dynamics of a family as well as the sibling relationship.
Is roughhousing violence between siblings?
Caspi notes that the terms sibling violence and sibling abuse are often used interchangeably because they both entail physical and verbal acts that intend to do harm. However, he distinguishes violence from abuse. He writes: “Violence reflects mutual or bidirectional aggression in which both siblings aim to harm each other in a concert of perceived egalitarian relationship.” Sibling physical violence — hitting, biting, pinching, kicking — is astonishingly prevalent; some researchers’ estimates are as high as 96 percent of all families while others put it at 80 percent. But, as Caspi points out, physical violence is very difficult to distinguish from animated roughhousing or even rough-and-tumble play so these numbers may be greatly inflated because of parental confusion about what’s “normal” between siblings and what’s not. Most importantly, research supports Caspi’s contention that this kind of mutual sibling violence doesn’t damage self-esteem.
Some readers will share my initial confusion, reading that this “even-steven” and mutual mano a mano type of violence isn’t necessarily harmful or damaging, but that is what research shows. Let’s consider rough-and-tumble play, for example. Joseph L. Flanders, Vanessa Leo, and their colleagues cite research showing that physically aggressive behaviors are observable as early as 18 months but begin to taper off in most children by age two or three; their study looked at father-child rough-and-tumble play (RTP) to determine whether a father’s behavior influenced a higher incidence of continuing physical aggression in children. It’s widely recognized that fathers play with children differently than mothers do, regardless of gender, and that kids prefer Dad’s style of play over Mom’s.
KEY POINTS
The term “sibling rivalry” can mislead parents, leading them to ignore sibling abuse.
Healthy competition requires balance of power between siblings. Parents can contribute by not playing favorites or using competion to criticize.
Physical aggression is strikingly common between and among siblings. Surprisingly, it can teach valuable skills when it is mutual or dyadic.
Sibling abuse is about power. It is always one-sided.
Source: Obie Fernandez/Unsplash
Perhaps, given the biblical story of Cain and Abel, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise but in interviews for my forthcoming book on verbal abuse, I was struck by how many respondents reported being verbally abused by a sibling in their families of origin. In some cases, the abuse was an echo of parental verbal abuse, and the abuser was joining in both to keep him or herself safe from becoming the target and to establish loyalty to the abusive parent. This is especially true in a family where a mother or father is high in narcissistic traits, hypercritical, controlling, or highly combative. In these families, siblings are frequently pitted against each other. That was true for “Joe,” now 42:
“My father was a tyrant; there was a right way of doing things, which was his way, and a wrong way, and woe to the son who didn’t do it his way. My mother was his accomplice, using shaming to get us to stay in line, and praising the merits of ‘sibling rivalry.’ My brother is five years older and he bullied me to show my dad how strong he was. Believe it or not, I thought this was how all brothers were until I started to notice that my friends had brothers who were actually friends. I have as little to do with my parents and brother as possible and I have worked hard at making sure my own boys are never compared to each other or encouraged to belittle each other.”
This story focuses on a son’s experience but it happens between sisters as well, especially when a mother or father plays favorites or uses the achievements of one daughter to belittle or browbeat another, and the favored daughter becomes verbally abusive to her sibling as well.
How the term “sibling rivalry” blinds us to sibling abuse
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But, sometimes, a sibling’s verbal abuse isn’t an echo but an act of individual aggression, and it’s sad that parents don’t always recognize it as such and write it off as a function of “sibling rivalry” — a supposedly a “normal” occurrence in families with more than one child.
In his 2012 book Sibling Aggression, Jonathan Caspi noted that this normalization isn’t just limited to laypeople but to professionals as well. He writes that despite a growing body of research which shows otherwise, “the mistaken belief that sibling violence is not harmful normalizes it. Statements such as ‘My brother beat on me and I am fine’ and ‘Boys will be boys’ minimize honest appraisals of possible effects and validate its continued use.” He notes that practitioners too grew up with the same social context—thinking that sibling aggression is normal—and so their judgments about family dynamics are often clouded by their own internalized views. He surmises that this point of view limits research as well. He uses sibling aggression as an umbrella term which encompasses four categories which he arranges in order of effect, going from most mild to severe; in order, they are competition,conflict,violence, and abuse.
Understanding competition between siblings
Healthy competition can motivate and challenge siblings to develop their skills and talents. Famous siblings in sports — the Williams sisters or the Manning brothers — immediately come to mind. But when the aim of the competition is to highlight one sibling’s flaws or inadequacies, competition moves from being inspirational to being hurtful and damaging. (Think about the Jackson Five, their siblings, and their abusive father, for example.) Caspi notes that most of the time, one sibling’s advanced skills don’t damage another’s self-esteem.
Surveying conflict in sibling relationships
Every family experiences some amount of conflict and, as Caspi notes, constructive sibling conflict promotes social and emotional competence, teaches problem-solving, and helps a child hone his or her emotional regulation. My own thought is that, for this to happen, parents have to have modeled and implemented cooperative ways of dealing with disagreements and conflict. In households where verbal abuse is the default, this isn’t going to happen.
But even in a household where constructive behavior has been modeled, it’s clear that constant negative conflict between siblings can alter the dynamics of a family as well as the sibling relationship.
Is roughhousing violence between siblings?
Caspi notes that the terms sibling violence and sibling abuse are often used interchangeably because they both entail physical and verbal acts that intend to do harm. However, he distinguishes violence from abuse. He writes: “Violence reflects mutual or bidirectional aggression in which both siblings aim to harm each other in a concert of perceived egalitarian relationship.” Sibling physical violence — hitting, biting, pinching, kicking — is astonishingly prevalent; some researchers’ estimates are as high as 96 percent of all families while others put it at 80 percent. But, as Caspi points out, physical violence is very difficult to distinguish from animated roughhousing or even rough-and-tumble play so these numbers may be greatly inflated because of parental confusion about what’s “normal” between siblings and what’s not. Most importantly, research supports Caspi’s contention that this kind of mutual sibling violence doesn’t damage self-esteem.
Some readers will share my initial confusion, reading that this “even-steven” and mutual mano a mano type of violence isn’t necessarily harmful or damaging, but that is what research shows. Let’s consider rough-and-tumble play, for example. Joseph L. Flanders, Vanessa Leo, and their colleagues cite research showing that physically aggressive behaviors are observable as early as 18 months but begin to taper off in most children by age two or three; their study looked at father-child rough-and-tumble play (RTP) to determine whether a father’s behavior influenced a higher incidence of continuing physical aggression in children. It’s widely recognized that fathers play with children differently than mothers do, regardless of gender, and that kids prefer Dad’s style of play over Mom’s.
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RTP is characterized by aggressive behaviours such as “wrestling, grappling, jumping, and chasing in a play context.” Fathers often socialize both sons and daughters through this kind of physical play which is associated positively with emotional regulation, self-control, reading emotional cues, and even sensitivity to others. These are important skills for self-development and permit children to negotiate social rules in peer settings with more ease. What Flanders and his team found was that when fathers controlled and set limits during RTP, their children demonstrated lower levels of physical aggression in daily life; in contrast, the children of fathers who didn’t set limits and shucked off dominance were more likely to be more physically aggressive in later life.
So mutual or bi-directional physical aggression actually has its benefits, as counterintuitive as that may seem.
When it’s not mutual, it’s abuse
The distinction that Caspi makes between violence and abuse largely rests on power; if he considers the first to be “bidirectional” or “mutual,” then sibling abuse is “unidirectional hostility where one sibling seeks to overpower the other via a reign of terror and intimidation, and reflects an asymmetrical power arrangement.” The abusive sibling not only wants to humiliate and render the other powerless but he or she is intent on aggrandizing him or herself through the act. Caspi notes four kinds of sibling abuse—physical, sexual, psychological or verbal, and relational—but verbal abuse is by far the most prevalent. Among siblings, verbal abuse includes insults, name-calling, and threats to property. Again, because siblings do chivy for attention in the household, it may be difficult for the parents to distinguish between chivying, an expression of frustration, and verbal abuse which is about dominance.
Beyond sibling rivalry
It’s clear that we need to retire the term. If you’re an adult who experienced sibling abuse but have rationalized or downplayed it, now’s the time to stop and reflect on its effects. Speak out. You may get pushback because families guard their narratives fiercely but it’s time you stepped out of the role assigned you, whether that’s the “sensitive one” or “the wuss.”
If you’re a parent of siblings, pay close attention to not just your behaviours but theirs. Step in if necessary.
(This person says it how it is, it may be ‘tough talking’ here, but they are right!)
(Image- Psychmechanics)
I thought I’d share this. Many of us deal with these types of not-quite-right adult children.
Narcissistic adult children demand you do what they want, try to control you, push every boundary, throw temper tantrums, blackmail you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, try to bribe you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blame their behaviour on you.
Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else. They say your job is to make them happy. They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.
What a nasty and unending list. If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt. You don’t deserve to be used and abused. You don’t owe them anything anymore. Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.
Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more. They think they’re entitled to whatever they want. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious. They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault. Their justifications will last forever.
I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children. There’s no hope down that path. Stop meddling and enabling them. These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.
The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact. Don’t debate or argue about who’s right. Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves. Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your future because, really, you are taking your life back. Now you can enjoy the rest of your life. You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.
Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications. But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry. Your life will shrivel up like a prune.
If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now. With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in. And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums. And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want. And nothing is for free.
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Psychology Explains How Narcissists Use Projection To Manipulate
PSYCHOLOGY EXPLAINS HOW NARCISSISTS USE PROJECTION TO MANIPULATE
Narcissists have no real self-awareness to speak of. Indeed, their very sense of value is derived from how others perceive them. As a rule, narcissists are unable to recognize their shortcomings and failures, instead choosing to cast the blame – no matter the merits of such – onto someone else. It’s called projection – a default defense mechanism of the narcissist.
In this article, we’re going to define narcissism, projection, and how those with narcissistic tendencies use projection in order to achieve their aims. As you will read, narcissists are experts at manipulation. To this end, we’ll discuss how you can spot the narcissist, along with proactive things you can do to avoid becoming a victim of narcissistic manipulation.
WHAT IS PROJECTION?
In the field of psychology, projection – or psychological projection – is the denial of subconscious impulses by the human ego. For instance, someone accusing their partner of cheating when they’re actually the one engaging in the scandalous act is projecting. A jealous co-worker who accuses everyone else in the office of being jealous is projecting; secretly, they’re jealous of just about everyone with a modicum of success. And so on.
While common among the narcissistic, projecting is something that we all do to varying degrees. We usually project onto others when we have uncomfortable, sometimes disturbing, emotions, and thoughts about ourselves. The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, believed that we project things onto others when we don’t want to burden ourselves with our perceived flaws or feelings of inferiority.
In other words, we want others to be the vehicles for our insecurities. We don’t want to deal with them anymore.
The thing is: while we all project, we don’t make a habit out of it. Most of us wouldn’t use projection to make someone feel inferior. We certainly wouldn’t employ projection as a means of coercion. Because, well, you’re not a narcissist (we don’t think.)
Speaking of which, let’s discuss narcissistic personality disorder in a tad more detail.
THE STORY OF NARCISSUS (THE OG NARCISSIST)
The ancient Greeks and Romans promulgated a myth about a young lad a wee too obsessed with his image. The story goes that Narcissus was a handsome guy who rejected all female comers. In fact, Narcissus rejected all of those who loved him, leading some of those he loved to take their own lives as a last effort to show Narcissus their devotion and love.
None of this moved the vain young man, however, which led the Goddess Nemesis to punish Narcissus for his callousness. The story ends with Narcissus getting a glimpse of himself in a lake, which reflected back an image showing him in the prime of his beauty. Narcissus fell in love with his own image, eventually realizing that nothing could love him as much as he could love himself. Nemesis takes his own life shortly after this realization.
NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER
In the late 1800s, psychologists decided that the vain Narcissus was an apt representation of some of their clients. A sexologist by the name of Havelock Ellis coined the term “narcissus-like” to describe his patients engaging in excessive masturbation.
In 1911, an Austrian psychiatrist by the name of Otto Rank published the first academic paper proposing narcissism as a potential psychological disorder. Rank described narcissism in the context of excessive self-admiration and vanity. Three years later, Freud published the paper On Narcissism: An Introduction.
“…a personality disorder with a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.”
Clinical treatment of NPD is not well-studied but is thought to be difficult – as those with NPD are unable to see their condition as a problem. NPD occurs more often in males, affects roughly one percent of the population, and is far more common in younger people than older.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) – the diagnostic literature published by the American Psychological Association (APA) – lists ten recognized symptoms of NPD:https://imasdk.googleapis.com/js/core/bridge3.432.0_en.html#goog_154395631000:00 of 09:01Volume 90%This video will resume in 4 seconds
A sense of grandiosity
Expecting superior treatment from others
Exploiting others for personal gain without feelings of guilt
An inability to understand the thoughts and feelings of others
Strong feelings of envy towards others
Constantly engaging in the bullying, belittling, and demeaning of others
A sense of entitlement and the need to be treated special
The need to be perceived as superior and unique
Obsession over desired traits such as attractiveness, intelligence, power, and success
The need to be constant admiration from other people
NARCISSISTS + PROJECTION = MANIPULATION
“When the [narcissistic] individual is in the superior position, defending against shame, the grandiose self aligns with the inner critic and devalues others through projection.” – Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT (source)
HERE’S HOW NARCISSISTS USE PROJECTION TO MANIPULATE YOU (AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT):
1. THEY “CALL YOU OUT”
Perhaps the most straightforward way to project is to call someone out. When a narcissist calls you out, you can bet they’re doing so for one of two reasons: (a) to get you to do something, (b) to attack you, or both. Guilt-tripping is among the most common methods narcissists use. If that doesn’t work, they may get frustrated and verbally attack you.
What to do: In any case, don’t take the bait. Recognize the behavior for what it is: a shameless, insulting attempt to manipulate your thoughts and feelings. You have something they want – don’t give it to them!
2. THEY MIMIC
While narcissists have the emotional depth of a puddle, they’re smart enough (many are highly intelligent) to know that emotionality matters to people. For this reason, narcissists will often mimic the emotional behaviors that they see elsewhere to convince someone of their genuine nature.
For the narcissist, the problem with this tactic is that mimicry goes against the grain of innate human behavior. Assuming that they’re not some CIA-trained spy, the entire façade will become apparent sooner or later.
What to do: Be observant. Someone’s core personality will always make itself known. You just have to keep your eyes and ears open.
3. THEY USE CHARACTER ASSASSINATION
If you’ve ever been the victim of character assassination, then you may know the far-reaching effects. Targeting someone’s character is the ultimate “go for the jugular” act. When a narcissist engages in character assassination, it’s often out of vengeance, or for the purpose of winning people over for some reason.
What to do: The most important thing here is not to panic. Most have pretty good sense when it comes to getting a feel for someone’s character. For this reason, we’re naturally cautious when someone verbally attacks another’s person. If these things are occurring in a work environment, it may be necessary to speak with your manager, human resources, or the legal department.
4. THEY PLAY THE VICTIM
Narcissists love to play the victim. At first, anyway. Why? Because they realize that most of us have some kind of sensitive core. We don’t like to see other people suffer. We want to help alleviate that suffering. Narcissists are all too eager to take advantage of this near-universal human trait. For this reason, the narcissist will project a “Woe is me” demeanor as well.
Some less-intelligent narcissists make the critical error of playing the victim to one person. If this is the case, it’s much easier to see through the charade.
What to do: It’s important to remain observant and keep your ear to the ground. If you’re particularly sensitive (e.g., an empath), make sure that you’re offering your assistance only to people you know well.
3. THEY SHAPE SHIFT
When a narcissist feels that they’ve got the victim where they want, they’ll quickly drop the act. They do so because they’re confident that the victim will offer little if any resistance. Indeed, this is often the last opportunity that the potential – or, by this point, possibly real – the victim will have to minimize the damage.
If you catch onto the shape-shifting, don’t expect the narcissist to go quietly into the night. Remember, narcissists are experts in the art of manipulation – and they may still be able to flummox you just enough that you’ll keep them around.
FINAL BIT OF ADVICE ON DEALING WITH NARCISSISTS
At this juncture, it is critical that you not hesitate to “end it.” Unless that person has some undiagnosed mental health disorder, there’s just no rational explanation for displaying extremes along the personality spectrum. Particularly if you’re being hurt in the interim.
In the workplace as a young woman of 17 years of age, I witnessed and experienced sexual harassment of women by men. When I consulted mature women in the workplace, I was advised to ‘turn a blind eye’ if you wished to keep your place of employment. There have been occasions when I have spoken out and lost employment or friendships.
In my social and performance life, I have also spoken out about ‘sexist’ behaviour and sexual harrassment only to be the target of aggression by the guilty party who then created false rumours to divert the attention away from themselves.
This is a widespread problem for women and also one of the reasons clients consult us.
Image – Counselling
If you’re interested in sexuality, consider the following scenario. It’s a COMPOSITE of various situations that recur at conferences and other large gatherings. It’s particularly important that people interested in progressive politics and gender relations work this out. Again, this is a COMPOSITE–the way therapists write about cases, changing some details and adding others.
A while back I attended the national conference of a large progressive organization. It was well-organized, stimulating, and fun. The people were mostly energetic, interesting, and friendly; it was a good mix of ages, sexual orientations, and divided almost 50/50 male-female.
I was eventually asked, as a sex therapist, what I thought about Sexual Harassment. Apparently a couple at last year’s conference had approached a particular woman in her mid-30s. Eventually “Mary & John” handed the woman their card—suggesting quite clearly that they were “open” to “adult activities.”
The woman didn’t want to share this kind of fun, which of course is perfectly fine. But she was somehow “offended,” which is unfortunate. In fact, the woman felt that this invitation constituted Sexual Harassment, and she complained. Dissatisfied and emotionally distressed, this previously loyal movement member blogged about it, urging her female readers to stay away from the organization. Now the word is out to younger progressive women—don’t go to this group’s conferences.
So the leadership of said organization is scurrying around, trying to figure out what to do. “About what?” I asked. Apparently,
* Some people want a policy on Sexual Harassment * Some people want a zero-tolerance policy on Sexual Harassment—one COMPLAINT and you’re out * Some people want to issue a statement about the organization’s policy on Sexual Harassment * Some people want to persuade this woman to attend next year’s conference * Some people want to persuade this woman to stop trashing the organization
For someone who didn’t want one kind of attention, this woman has certainly managed to get plenty of another kind of attention.
This woman—and the more intimidated members of the organization—need a history lesson. In the Bad Old Days, people—men—with institutional power (professors, bosses, doctors) used sex as a bargaining chip. “Sleep with me and you’ll get ahead,” some of them told the women who reported to them. “Refuse me and you won’t.” It was ugly. It was How Things Are Done. You can see it in the show Mad Men.
In the 1970s, women began to sue their employers under the 1964 Civil Rights Act. Women demanded an end to the discrimination (“put out or get out”), and to the maintenance of hostile work or learning environments created by continuous sexual pressure. Nowadays, both kinds of pressure are considered unacceptable in most American institutions, and both employees and employers (and students and professors, etc.) have some sense of this.
But Sexual Harassment law was never designed to protect women from merely feeling uncomfortable. In a typical workday, men and women alike face many sources of discomfort: atheists face clerks wearing crosses; able-bodied people face colleagues in wheelchairs; Fundamentalist Muslims and Jews face professors dressed with arms and legs uncovered; the infertile face coworkers’ desks with photos of their kids, and parents are given time off for parenting events such as piano recitals.
No, the law is designed to simply create a level playing field of opportunity—not of emotional experience. It doesn’t require anyone to be a mind-reader, it doesn’t undo the normal uncertainties of social interaction, and it doesn’t require anyone’s social skills to be smooth as silk. Occasionally feeling offended is still considered part of the cost of being out in the world.
So what did that young woman experience? Not Sexual Harassment, but Unwanted Sexual Attention. And when the woman made it clear it was unwanted, the attention went away. That should have been the end of the story. But if the recipient of a friendly, non-pressuring, non-institutional (and OK, let’s say clumsy or even stupid) sexual invitation isn’t grown up enough, she (or he) will feel assaulted. And with today’s heightened consciousness—and internet access—she will have the option of describing herself as victimized to a large number of people.
And yet why do we privilege unwanted attention that happens to involve sexuality? Again, we’re not talking about coercion or even pressure—we’re talking about attention, invitation, or suggestion that has no connection with real-world consequences like job evaluation. Adults are the recipients of unwanted attention every single day: stories from strangers on airplanes, awkward compliments from co-workers, grocery clerks sympathetically inquiring about the brace on your wrist or that cold medicine you’re buying, Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mormon missionaries asking if they can talk with you for a just a moment about their Invisible Friend In The Sky.
Unwanted attention—whether sexual or non-sexual—is part of the cost of stepping outside your front door. With Jehovah’s Witnesses, you don’t even have to go out—you get the attention by just opening the door. When American society privileges our discomfort if the unwanted attention is sexual, that’s more about our cultural values than about any inherent hierarchy of discomfort.
I deal with many clients who have this problem and when it occurs within your family, this article provides good advice on how to deal with it.
There are a few signs of narcissistic behavior that parents should watch out for:
Inflated ego: The narcissist has a huge ego. Narcissistic adult children demand that you do what they want, try to control you, and push every boundary. Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else. They say your job is to make them happy.
Need for validation: A narcissist needs constant admiration. Often, they need praise for simple tasks, like making an appearance at your birthday party. You may find yourself giving your narcissistic adult child an inordinate amount of praise over something that’s a normal and expected part of family life.
A sense of entitlement: The narcissist feels entitled to things they should have to work for. For example, they may demand ridiculous things like financial support well into adulthood. Or, tasks they should be doing themselves, but you find yourself performing…such as doing their laundry and folding their clothes, filling out their job applications, calling into work sick for them, or fixing their breakfast or lunch to take to work.
Exploitation: A narcissist acts without conscience, thinking only of themselves. They lie, trick and steal to get what they want. This exploitation can be glaringly obvious or very subtle, so be on the lookout if you feel used. This may manifest as their throwing temper tantrums, blackmailing you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, trying to entice you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blaming their behavior on you.
Distorted thinking: A narcissist occupies a fantastical world where he or she is the greatest and most important person in the universe. In order to maintain the fantasy, narcissists lie. They often deny things that are obvious. They may make up fantastical tales to support the fantasy.
Unpleasant personality: Contempt and belittlement are the narcissists’ tools of choice. When they feel threatened by success, they get mean. Watch out for those who are constantly putting down other peoples’ accomplishments. You may find your narcissistic adult child talking badly about their friends behind their backs, but pretending to care for them when these same friends come around
Taking The Helm 