Tag: Parental Estrangement

Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Is your child being coerced into disliking you? This is known as narcissistic parental alienation syndrome.

You may have found that your once-healthy relationship with your children has become increasingly strained after your difficult divorce. Your children are now avoidant, disrespectful, or even cruel.

You may have noticed your kids have started to sound like your ex-partner when they criticize you. As a result, you might suspect that your ex is bad-mouthing you and possibly even manipulating your children into disliking you.

This phenomenon, known as narcissistic parental alienation syndrome, is a severe issue many parents worldwide have experienced.

What is narcissistic parental alienation syndrome?

Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome, or parental alienation syndrome (PAS), occurs when one parent coercively tries to alienate their child from an otherwise loving parent. This manipulation then results in the child’s dislike or rejection of the alienated parent.

The term first emerged in the 1980s when American child psychiatrist Richard Gardner began noticing this behavior during child-custody disputes.

Gardner found that one parent would purposefully program (or brainwash) the child with certain ideas and attitudes about the other parent, even when these ideas were at odds with the child’s actual experiences.

The child would then “join in” vilifying the targeted parent, often because these behaviors were highly reinforced and rewarded by the alienating parent.

Importantly, the term PAS is only applicable when the targeted person is considered a good parent and hasn’t done anything to warrant this alienation. This term does not apply if the alienated parent is truly abusive.

What is narcissistic parental brainwashing?

Narcissistic parental brainwashing occurs when a parent with narcissistic tendencies psychologically manipulates the child into thinking false narratives about the other parent. This could entail painting the other parent as dangerous, unloving, unintelligent, or somehow not good for the child.

Many PAS children respond to this programming in such a way that they seem to completely forget or suppress any positive feelings or experiences they’ve had with the targeted parent.

Warning signs of parental alienation syndrome

Signs of PAS may include the following:

  • unjustified or irrational campaign to vilify loving parent
  • chil
  • d’s extreme idealization of one parent over the other (black-and-white thinking)
  • vilification of the targeted parent’s entire family and friends
  • support of the child’s negative actions and attitudes toward the targeted parent
  • denial of guilt or lack of empathy over the cruel treatment toward the targeted parent
  • the child’s “own” opinion are highly emphasized by the manipulative parent (e.g. “Chelsea just doesn’t like her dad, and she shouldn’t be forced to see him.”
  • the child uses the same tone that the narcissistic parent uses toward the targeted parent

Examples of narcissistic parental alienation

Narcissistic parental alienation may look like the following:

The offending parent purposefully interferes with the targeted parent’s time with the child. E.g. The other parent shows up to “volunteer” in the school cafeteria when they know you will be having lunch with your child.

The offending parent tells the child that the other parent isn’t interested in their life. “Your mother probably isn’t going to show up to get you today. She abandoned you before and will probably do it again.”

The offending parent is uncompromising regarding the parenting schedule. E.g. You ask to switch custody days because you have an important doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, but the other parent refuses to compromise, causing you to miss a day with your child.

The offending parent consistently talks badly about the other parent. “Your father doesn’t have any morals.”

The offending parent rewards the child for talking badly about the other parent. “I don’t blame you for feeling that way. Let’s go get some ice cream together.”

The offending parent acts hurt when the child is kind to the targeted parent.

The child copies the offending parent’s words and tone while speaking to the targeted parent. “You can never be on time, Dad.”

The offending parent would rather harm the child than benefit the targeted parent. E.g. The parent refuses to let your child go on a fun trip with you for nonsensical reasons.

The child feels like they have to “choose” between parents.

What causes narcissistic parental alienation?

Evidence suggests that parental alienation often occurs in very tense and volatile separations or divorces, particularly when there are bitter child custody battles.

However, for PAS to even occur, one parent must be willing to act unusually cruelly and callously. These behaviours often point to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is characterized by a grandiose sense of self, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.

These parents tend to value their interests over the child’s well-being and will stop at nothing to “win” against or “punish” the other parent.

How to navigate narcissistic parental alienation syndrome

It’s can be difficult for a targeted parent to navigate parenting with a co-parent showing signs of narcissistic parental alienation syndrome.

If you suspect your co-parent is trying to alienate you from your child, try your best to have a friend or family member present when you speak with them. This can help you stay grounded if the co-parent is consistently gaslighting you or using manipulation.

You may also want to work with a licensed therapist or family therapist to find ways to navigate this difficult situation. Additionally, in severe cases, you may want to consider hiring a lawyer.

Let’s recap

Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome occurs when a parent with narcissistic traits attempts to maliciously alienate their child from an otherwise loving parent. This is often accomplished by attacking the other parent’s character in front of the child.

This manipulation can then lead to the child’s own rejection and feelings of dislike toward the targeted parent.

If you are living with this situation, consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help you navigate this challenging situation.

Psych Central

What Causes Attachment Based Parental Alienation

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Understanding AutismLeave a comment

“It’s funny how sometimes the people you’d take the bullet for, are the ones behind the trigger.”

What exactly is parental alienation in the context of a narcissistic relationship?

It is the dynamic that occurs when a child is manipulated by the narcissistic parent to reject the other, healthy and empathic parent.  It happens because the narcissistic parent uses a type of invisible coercion to convince the child that the other parent is no good. In essence, the narcissistic parent teaches his/her child to hate his/her other parent, and uses the child as a weapon to hurt the other, non-narcissistic parent.

Often this is done by implication and non-verbal communication, such as when a child returns home from being with the targeted parent and the narcissist acts overly concerned or alarmed by anything that may have gone on at the targeted parent’s house; by acting as if there is cause for distress, and that the child is very fortunate to be away from that “unhealthy environment…”

Why would a child be so willing to reject his/her “good” parent in exchange for the emotionally dysfunctional personality disordered parent?

This occurs because the child sees and feels the rejection and discard of the targeted parent by the abusive parent, and internalizes a deep and powerful fear that if he/she does not identify with the “favored” parent then he/she too will be rejected by the narcissist. In fact, the child will enmesh with the rejecting parent in order to ensure his/her protection from the same fateful rejection as the targeted parent.

The child is unconsciously experiencing a type of trauma bond/Stockholm syndrome phenomenon within the parental relationship. Liken it to being in a cult. In a cult, members learn to be loyal to the charismatic leader at the expense of friends, family, and society!  It really is astonishing how it happens.

The narcissist, just like a charismatic cult leader, convinces his/her child that he/she is “special” and “favored” by aligning with him/her (the narcissist.) Reality gets flipped on its head and the other parent is considered to be the dangerous one, while the narcissist becomes a hero of sorts.

Typically, in a narcissistic family, there is a “golden child” and a “scapegoat.”  In either case, the family has experienced viscerally the unspoken dynamics at play within the family. Often, during a divorce, the scapegoated child may all of a sudden experience the narcissistic parent paying close attention to him/her, meeting the felt needs of the child that have long been unmet within the child’s psyche.

The child has been starving for attention from the narcissistic parent, so, when all of a sudden he/she starts receiving deeply coveted attention, any sense of analysis or logic is suspended. It’s like a person dying of thirst, receiving that long overdue glass of ice sparkling water. Even if the narcissist has been abusive, hurtful, or neglectful of the child in the past, because of abuse amnesia, it doesn’t matter. The child’s needs become satisfied in an instant and all is forgiven and forgotten.

And, if the child feels secure with the parent who has always been there emotionally for the child, he/she will find it easy to be manipulated by the narcissistic parent because intrinsically, he/she knows that his bond is safe with the empathic parent. It is much easier to reject someone you know will never leave, than it is to reject someone you can barely hold on to.

For the child, the unconscious choice is an emotional survival strategy. One of the problems with abusive relationships is that they create unmet needs in those involved with the abusive person. When the narcissist starts wooing the child, it requires very little to win him/her over. Once this happens, then alienation of the targeted parent begins.

In reality, the narcissist does not love his/her child in a real way. Real love would not deprive a person from a loving, empathic relationship.

In addition to this, we must not forget that people with narcissism suffer from delusional thinking. On some warped level, the narcissist actually believes his/her own lies. He/she destroyed the relationship with the targeted parent in the first place, creating a drama in his/her mind that made the “good” parent the villain; while, the narcissist believes, erroneously, that he/she is the truly injured party.

To add more power to the dynamic, because the narcissist believes his/her own lies, he/she is VERY convincing to everyone – particularly his/her vulnerable children.  He/she propagandizes his delusional narrative.

The other (empathic) parent does not see it coming and cannot compete with the lunacy of it all. Since the empathic parent is most-likely conscientious and plays fair, he/she is not equipped to even enter the battle field with the narcissist’s weaponry – seduction, manipulation, smear campaigns, delusional complexes, believed confabulation, reality twisting, and utter insanity. The targeted parent is completely out-witted.

Psych Central https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2017/11/what-causes-attachment-based-parental-alienation-in-narcissistic-relationships/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2017/11/what-causes-attachment-based-parental-alienation-in-narcissistic-relationships/

Parental Estrangement

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and Lies, Understanding AutismLeave a comment
Image – Lifestylebody

Many clients consult us concerning family problems and this particular subject is a common problem, The following article looks at the reasons for it.

Oscar Wilde once warned that children begin their lives loving their ­parents, then grow up to judge them. If so, surely there is no harsher judgment of a ­parent than to be deliberately cut out of a child’s life for ever. Parental estrangement by adult children is a national epidemic, and it’s not always the parent’s fault.

Psychologist Dr Ludwig Lowenstein believes this ­generation have been ­empowered to judge their parents. He hears from up to six parents a day, a third of them women, ­asking advice because they fear ­estrangement from their children.

There are no official statistics to show that the problem is increasing. But numerous leading ­psychologists claim it is, and online chatter ­suggests it is.

Read more here:

Children Who Break Your Heart – Huffington Post