Category: Infliction of Abuse

Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Is your child being coerced into disliking you? This is known as narcissistic parental alienation syndrome.

You may have found that your once-healthy relationship with your children has become increasingly strained after your difficult divorce. Your children are now avoidant, disrespectful, or even cruel.

You may have noticed your kids have started to sound like your ex-partner when they criticize you. As a result, you might suspect that your ex is bad-mouthing you and possibly even manipulating your children into disliking you.

This phenomenon, known as narcissistic parental alienation syndrome, is a severe issue many parents worldwide have experienced.

What is narcissistic parental alienation syndrome?

Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome, or parental alienation syndrome (PAS), occurs when one parent coercively tries to alienate their child from an otherwise loving parent. This manipulation then results in the child’s dislike or rejection of the alienated parent.

The term first emerged in the 1980s when American child psychiatrist Richard Gardner began noticing this behavior during child-custody disputes.

Gardner found that one parent would purposefully program (or brainwash) the child with certain ideas and attitudes about the other parent, even when these ideas were at odds with the child’s actual experiences.

The child would then “join in” vilifying the targeted parent, often because these behaviors were highly reinforced and rewarded by the alienating parent.

Importantly, the term PAS is only applicable when the targeted person is considered a good parent and hasn’t done anything to warrant this alienation. This term does not apply if the alienated parent is truly abusive.

What is narcissistic parental brainwashing?

Narcissistic parental brainwashing occurs when a parent with narcissistic tendencies psychologically manipulates the child into thinking false narratives about the other parent. This could entail painting the other parent as dangerous, unloving, unintelligent, or somehow not good for the child.

Many PAS children respond to this programming in such a way that they seem to completely forget or suppress any positive feelings or experiences they’ve had with the targeted parent.

Warning signs of parental alienation syndrome

Signs of PAS may include the following:

  • unjustified or irrational campaign to vilify loving parent
  • chil
  • d’s extreme idealization of one parent over the other (black-and-white thinking)
  • vilification of the targeted parent’s entire family and friends
  • support of the child’s negative actions and attitudes toward the targeted parent
  • denial of guilt or lack of empathy over the cruel treatment toward the targeted parent
  • the child’s “own” opinion are highly emphasized by the manipulative parent (e.g. “Chelsea just doesn’t like her dad, and she shouldn’t be forced to see him.”
  • the child uses the same tone that the narcissistic parent uses toward the targeted parent

Examples of narcissistic parental alienation

Narcissistic parental alienation may look like the following:

The offending parent purposefully interferes with the targeted parent’s time with the child. E.g. The other parent shows up to “volunteer” in the school cafeteria when they know you will be having lunch with your child.

The offending parent tells the child that the other parent isn’t interested in their life. “Your mother probably isn’t going to show up to get you today. She abandoned you before and will probably do it again.”

The offending parent is uncompromising regarding the parenting schedule. E.g. You ask to switch custody days because you have an important doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, but the other parent refuses to compromise, causing you to miss a day with your child.

The offending parent consistently talks badly about the other parent. “Your father doesn’t have any morals.”

The offending parent rewards the child for talking badly about the other parent. “I don’t blame you for feeling that way. Let’s go get some ice cream together.”

The offending parent acts hurt when the child is kind to the targeted parent.

The child copies the offending parent’s words and tone while speaking to the targeted parent. “You can never be on time, Dad.”

The offending parent would rather harm the child than benefit the targeted parent. E.g. The parent refuses to let your child go on a fun trip with you for nonsensical reasons.

The child feels like they have to “choose” between parents.

What causes narcissistic parental alienation?

Evidence suggests that parental alienation often occurs in very tense and volatile separations or divorces, particularly when there are bitter child custody battles.

However, for PAS to even occur, one parent must be willing to act unusually cruelly and callously. These behaviours often point to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is characterized by a grandiose sense of self, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.

These parents tend to value their interests over the child’s well-being and will stop at nothing to “win” against or “punish” the other parent.

How to navigate narcissistic parental alienation syndrome

It’s can be difficult for a targeted parent to navigate parenting with a co-parent showing signs of narcissistic parental alienation syndrome.

If you suspect your co-parent is trying to alienate you from your child, try your best to have a friend or family member present when you speak with them. This can help you stay grounded if the co-parent is consistently gaslighting you or using manipulation.

You may also want to work with a licensed therapist or family therapist to find ways to navigate this difficult situation. Additionally, in severe cases, you may want to consider hiring a lawyer.

Let’s recap

Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome occurs when a parent with narcissistic traits attempts to maliciously alienate their child from an otherwise loving parent. This is often accomplished by attacking the other parent’s character in front of the child.

This manipulation can then lead to the child’s own rejection and feelings of dislike toward the targeted parent.

If you are living with this situation, consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help you navigate this challenging situation.

Psych Central

Do ‘Flying Monkeys’ Ever See The Truth?

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Flying Monkeys Wizard of Oz

Flying monkeys facilitate the narcissist’s abusive behaviour by buying into their warped reality, supporting them and even doing their dirty work for them. Do flying monkeys ever see the truth of what they’re involved in and inadvertently cause?

As the narcissist uses other people to collect information and spread false rumours for them, this enables the narcissist to keep their public image clean. They also use flying monkeys to illustrate their own false reality where they are the victim and the actual victim is painted as the perpetrator.

Going through the throes of narcissistic abuse is hard enough to acknowledge and deal with, without having to contend with an army of the narc’s groupies inflicting further abuse and pain.

I know just how devastating it is because I’ve been through it myself, multiple times with multiple narcissists throughout my life. I can also tell you that you do not need to fear the narcissist’s flying monkeys because there are solutions you can arm yourself with.

So, do flying monkeys ever see the truth about the abusive role they are playing with the narcissist? The answer is a little more complicated than just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’

What are the Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys?

I’m sure we’ve all seen the classic movie The Wizard of Oz at least once in our childhoods. Do you remember the scenes where the Wicked Witch would send off those winged monkeys to do her bidding?

Well, the term ‘flying monkeys’ has since been adopted by psychologists and people in the narc community, directly based around the evil witch’s troop of monkeys.

Essentially the term flying monkeys was coined to describe the people in the narcissist’s life and your life who the narc engages to do their dirty work for them.

The object of the game is to use others to rewrite history, so that the narcissist can paint themselves in the light they want to be seen in (despite the truth) and to destroy you and everything you hold dear.

In fact what flying monkeys engage in is known as abuse by proxy.

Who can be a narcissist’s flying monkey?
  • Friends
  • Family members
  • Work colleagues
  • Members of the community
  • Mutual acquaintances
  • Even your hairdresser if they think it can benefit them!

Once a relationship with a narcissist comes to an end, they will do anything to make themselves appear to be the poor victim. Their ego must defend its False Self at all costs and will seek to destroy you in the process.

They will tell people that you did all of the things that they actually did (cheat, lie and steal just to name a few of their atrocities).

They will get in first with your own friends and family and completely rewrite the storyline of what actually happened. This will all be done before you’ve had a chance to breath, let alone confide in those who you thought you could trust.

Now you find out that those very people are turning against you, not only believing what the narcissist has told them, but actively helping them to work against you!

The narcissist won’t stop there in their conquest to annihilate you, they may even get authorities and the legal system on their warpath to wipe you out. If they can desecrate your reputation and destroy your career at the same time, they will.

Flying Monkey

A flying monkey is anyone the narcissist uses for the purpose of strengthening their own agenda. Flying monkeys often enable the narcissist’s storyline and behaviour, as well as do their dirty work for them, which allows the narcissist to keep their own reputation intact.

Flying Monkeys are the Narcissist’s minions!

Types of Flying Monkeys

Narcissists will pick up on the dominant traits in someone who could be a potential flying monkey and assign them tasks accordingly.

BENEVOLENT FLYING MONKEYS

Benevolent flying monkeys are generally vulnerable, empathetic people who will more easily justify a narcissist’s behaviour based on compassion and always seeing the good in people. This type of flying monkey doesn’t intend to cause harm but is easily manipulated.

  • Empaths
  • Meddlers
  • Wimps

MALEVOLENT FLYING MONKEYS

As you can guess, malevolent flying monkeys are those who intentionally harm and even gain satisfaction from it. Other narcissists are often involved in this group of flying monkeys because it makes them feel powerful and scores them some points with another narcissist, who they obviously see value in.

  • Sadists
  • Narcissists/ Sociopaths
  • Psychopaths
Why do narcissists use flying monkeys?

It’s important to understand that when you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re not levelling with a sane, rational, healthy person.

The narcissist is 100% controlled by their ego, which is constantly creating false versions of themselves. All of these facades act to hide the truth of who there are from the world around them.

The ego is driven by all of the lower vibrational aspects of the human experience. Lying, cheating, stealing and manipulating are all amongst the ego/ narcissist’s everyday tools for moving through life.

When they were very young and went through some kind of impactful trauma, they subconsciously severed the connection to their own true self to the point of no return. They felt that to be vulnerable, have empathy and be a loving human being was just too painful and dangerous.

What they are left with is their ego in full control of their lives.

The ego has no conscience and will happily manipulate, coerce and play games to get whatever it wants. It must always uphold the image of how it wants to be seen, rather than the truth of what it really is (a deceitful, unconscious entity).

And the icing on the cake is that the ego refuses to take accountability for its wrongdoings and the trail of destruction it causes in the process.

In fact, in the distorted reality of the ego-driven narcissist, they genuinely believe that they are the victim, with you being the doer of all the bad things.

You’re probably pulling your hair out trying to understand how on Earth can the narcissist truly believe that they have done nothing wrong!?

Given that the narcissist is truly incapable of acknowledging their own inner wounds, they will continue to be unaccountable for their behaviour as a result of those wounds.

To justify their actions, they need to see other people as being the cause of their behaviour, rather than it actually being themselves as a result of their own deep hurts.

How do they do this? Through projection and creating false storylines.

When a narcissist projects the very things that they are doing onto you or anyone else, they are literally superimposing that image onto the other person. Now, when the narcissist looks at them, they truly do see the other person playing out what they have actually played out themselves.

This is the crux of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and what makes it a mental condition, which you cannot fix, heal or change.

So, in their fractured existence, all of their behaviour is completely justified. The punishments, smearing and abuse you receive at the hands of the narcissist and their flying monkeys is all that’s needed to rationalise their ego’s version of events.

Narcissists use flying monkeys in the discard phase to control the public storyline and evade accountability.

Bringing this back to why narcissists use flying monkeys is simple. For them to see and believe a false storyline is one thing, but for it really to play out across the board, they need recruits.

Narcissists will use flying monkeys to enact DARVO, which is a psychological and emotional abuse tactic.

Deny the abuse ever happened
Attack the person who’s confronting the abuse
Reverse the roles of…
Victim and
Offender

They will tell all of their lies to anyone who will listen and anyone who they deem as being a useful tool in their agenda.

Yep, the narcissist can literally build an army of minions to hunt you down and attack, all to build up their false scenario.

If they can get the flying monkeys to do their bidding in a way that keeps the narcissist looking clean, even better. Then they can wipe their hands and claim to have had nothing to do with it.

So, do flying monkeys ever see the truth of what they’re involved in? Let’s dig in and find out.

Do Flying Monkeys Ever See the Truth?
Do flying monkeys know what they are doing?

Narcissists are great at observing people and working out whether they’d be easy to manipulate or not.

As hard as it is to fathom, the narcissist was probably sizing up your friends and family right from the very beginning. They’re constantly collecting data on who they could drop seeds of info to that will believe their plight, which will inevitably strengthen their agenda along the way.

Remember, to a narcissist, everyone is merely an object to be used for their own selfish gain.

People who are empathetic, vulnerable, gullible or even narcissistic themselves are all people the narc will fix their crosshairs on. These are the types of people who are either compassionate, easily pliable or eager to knock others down.

By the time you’ve broken up and the narcissist is using mutual people in your lives to gather info on you, smear you or even outright attack you, they’ve already been well primed.

Those people have probably only ever seen the narcissist’s false public image, not the one you know from behind closed doors.

The narcissist is extremely convincing in their storytelling and will go to great lengths to make it all sound plausible.

At the end of the day, the flying monkeys believe the narcissist is the poor victim at your hands. They believe that they are doing the right thing in trying to bring you to justice.

Flying Monkey Roles:

  • Gather info to take back to the narcissist
  • Gossip and spread rumours
  • Enable the narcissist’s behaviour
  • Buy the narcissist’s stories
  • Intimidate, hassle and attack on behalf of the narcissist

Do flying monkeys ever see the truth of what they’ve inflicted? For the vast majority, flying monkeys do not know the bigger plan of what they are a part of.

The narcissist has picked the details and pieces of the storyline that they know will hit home with those flying monkeys and induce a sense of self-righteous duty within them.

Why do flying monkeys believe the narcissist?

Narcissists are among the best actors on the planet. Even though they completely lack any sense of empathy, gosh they can really put it on and tug at your heartstrings.

They will look people dead in the eye and lie through their teeth all while welling up in the corners of their eyes with real tears! I fell for it so many times with my ex, it’s sickening.

They are masters at using our real human empathy, compassion and emotions against us as weapons.

When you’re rocking in despair, trying to figure out how the flying monkeys can actually believe the narcissist’s bs, all you have to do is look back at your own journey with the narc.

Remember how easily you fell for their love bombing and false promises? Remember how convincing they were when they were pouring out their heart about their ‘crazy’ ex who ruined their life? Remind yourself just how much compassion you felt towards this poor soul who was just trying to get through life.

Now put yourself in the shoes of the flying monkeys and imagine the types of ridiculous stories they are being primed with, all with the intention of induing raw emotion.

The insecurities and inner wounds behind those people’s charged emotions, is what causes people to act and react.

Narcissists go into such incredible detail with their lies, that people wouldn’t even consider that this person isn’t telling the truth. How else would they know all of the ins and outs of someone being cheated on or of being stripped financially?

You see, all of the things they did to you, those are the very things they’ll be accusing you of on a public scale. In fact, you can expect the stories to be even more dramatic, with extra details thrown in, just to really smear you good and proper.

When people think that you’ve done these awful things to the narcissist, they will feel so noble about the fact that your behaviour is not okay and that you must be held accountable for it.

All of the things that the narcissist should be facing with their own behaviour, here you are having to take their punishments for crimes they committed against you. It’s absolutely soul crushing!

How do narcissists get flying monkeys?

Narcissists are predators who prey on others to feed themselves. The way narcissists get flying monkeys isn’t all that different in how they got you.

Narcs are always reading people to see who they can recruit to somehow use in order to uphold their false image and of course, use to siphon narcissistic supply from.

When people show empathy and compassion, the narcissist will play on those aspects of a person to gain their sympathy. If someone loves to gossip, they know they can tell whatever stories they like to that person and word will get around without them having to do a thing.

If some is desperate for validation and belonging, they can welcome that person into their crew and manipulate them to do things for them in exchange for acceptance. Those types of people are often highly insecure and being eager to please the narcissist, will do almost anything for them.

Along the way, these flying monkeys will provide the narcissist with validation and supply, making the narc feel special, important and superior. Then, when the narcissist wants to send them out and do tasks for them, they’re already waiting in the wings.

In return, the flying monkeys will get breadcrumbs of whatever it is their deep wounds are craving – acceptance, a sense of security, physical items (food, alcohol, drugs, clothing etc.).

For the flying monkeys who get recruited purely for the purpose of destroying you after the break up, the narcissist will appeal to their sense of ‘right and wrong,’ so that they feel the need to help bring the situation to justice.

They’re not necessarily bad people, they just got caught up in the narcissist’s web, just like you did. How do flying monkeys ever see the truth if they’re sold a completely different narrative?

Do narcissists ever discard flying monkeys?

Given that people are just objects to a narcissist, who can be used and abused as they see fit – yes, narcissists can discard flying monkeys as well.

If someone cottons on to the narcissist’s truth, then they become the enemy who must be discarded and punished. In this case, the flying monkey will find themselves on the other side of the fence, being flying monkey’d by those who were previously on their side!

Some flying monkeys are only enlisted by the narcissist for a specific task or timeframe and beyond that, they become useless to the narc. Without a backwards glance they too will be discarded.

If the narc finds someone else who’s easier to manipulate or is deemed more useful, the narcissist may discard the flying monkey and replace them with a new one.

As with every person, once the narcissist sees no use for them anymore, the flying monkey will either be discarded or shelved for later use.

Triangulation and flying monkeys

Triangulation is where the narcissist uses one or many third parties to communicate between people, which works to enhance their smear campaign, manipulations and false storyline. This is where flying monkeys come in real handy.

The narcissist may pass on some information (whether fact or fiction) to a flying monkey, with the intention that that information leads to another particular person, which further inflates the narc’s agenda.

The benefit of using triangulation is that the narcissist gets to kick back and play the “innocent bystander” role, while their flying monkeys gossip, attack, manipulate and sometimes even threaten the narc’s true victim.

Sometimes triangulation can be a group of people who all support the narcissist and reject your reality. This is essentially group gaslighting where the abuse you suffered from the narcissist is denied and the opposite storyline circulates. The narcissist is made out to be the ‘good one’ and the poor victim at your hands.

How to spot a flying monkey

Now that you’ve got a good understanding of what the narcissist’s flying monkeys are, you may be wondering how to spot a flying monkey in action.

Here are a few giveaway signs of a flying monkey:

  • They don’t want to rock the boat (hangs onto the status quo)
  • Denies your version of events
  • Tends to gossip
  • Appeases the narcissist (wants to keep them happy)
  • Thrives on drama
  • Defends the narcissist

Examples of flying monkey comments:

“Oh, she’s not so bad.”

“Well, he’s never done anything to me.”

“You should have more respect for her, that’s your mother.”

“How dare you treat him like that, after everything he’s done for you!”

“Did you hear that [insert your name] was sleeping around? She deservers everything she gets as far as I’m concerned.”

“Well, that’s not what I heard,” (when you try to tell you version of the story).

“He’s doing everything he can to fix the relationship, she’s just being difficult.”

How to set boundaries with flying monkeys

If you find yourself in a position where you cannot cut out all of the narcissist’s flying monkeys from your life, you can certainly set boundaries with those flying monkeys.

Maybe they are coworkers or family members who have fallen for the narc’s stories and manipulations. That’s okay, I understand how hard it is to truly free yourself. The narcissist is a master of their game and can truly infiltrate your entire world.

Here’s how to set boundaries with flying monkeys:

  • Go ‘grey rock’ (don’t engage with them and be so boring that they lose interest)
  • If they bring up the narcissist, tell them that you do not want to talk about them or hear anything about them
  • Do not give them any information about yourself, that way they’ve got nothing to take back to the narcissist
  • Do not show them any emotion – appearing completely unaffected is your power

Enforcing these boundaries is going to be all on you, because that is something the flying monkeys are most probably lacking in.

State your boundary clearly when the situation arises and let them know that if they cross that boundary, you’re out. If or when they cross your boundary, you need to follow through and walk away or hang up the phone. Show them that you’re not messing around and that you’re one hundred percent standing in your power and putting yourself first.

If they try to use guilt, fear or obligation tactics on you (especially if the narc is your parent or grandparent), firmly state that you’re under no obligation to do anything.

You’ll quickly see who respects your boundaries and who doesn’t – and that right there tells you everything you need to know.

Defend Yourself & Disarm the Flying Monkeys

For the narcissist to retain their false self’s image after a discard (no matter who left who), they must trample you in the process. You are now the enemy who must be annihilated, because your very strength and existence threatens to expose who they truly are.

They must justify to themselves that you are worth less than the dirt underneath their shoes.

This is all a huge game to the narcissist and it’s one they’ve played many times before. But for it to truly be a competition, all members must be on the board, fighting for their lives.

To truly defeat you, they need you feeling crushed, defending yourself at every blow. They need to feel so powerful that they can control your emotions, reactions and utterly ruin your life. For them, this validates their very existence and makes them feel so powerful to be able to get so much out of you. Of course, every time you ruminate about the narcissist and try to defend yourself against their slander, you are also granting them Grade A narcissistic supply.

They need you to be so entangled in their game of manipulation and rewriting of history that you are completely unable to move on from them and create an amazing life not just without them, but because they are no longer in it. THAT totally invalidates the narcissist’s existence and they cannot bear it!

The biggest step in defending yourself against flying monkeys, triangulation, smear campaigns and all of the narcissist’s agenda is to walk away from it and not engage.

I get it, they will do everything in their power to try and pull you back in, even when you think you’re doing so well and standing your ground. But, even if you do slip for a minute, pick yourself back up and keep on walking away from their tornado. Don’t even look back.

You’re literally dancing with the devil when you try to negotiate with a narcissist.

For anyone who’s on the fence about who’s telling the truth in the whole situation, let them form their own opinion based on what they observe. Is it the person who’s talking badly about their ex or is the one who’s not saying anything at all?

As with everything in the narcissistic realm, actions speak louder than words.

The right people will join you as you walk forward in your new life and those who believe the narcissist can have the narcissist. Be prepared to lose a lot of people, but know that your life will be better on the other side when it’s filled with authentic beings who are able to be fully responsible for themselves.

The best thing you can do is to focus on yourself and your own healing. Now you’ve been gifted with the ability to see all of your wounds. Throughout the narcissistic relationship and then what came afterwards, so many of your deep unhealed wounds would have been brought to the surface.

It’s painful as hell, I know! But trust me, this truly is a gift. Because now you have the eyes to see what needs to be healed. By learning how to go inwards to meet each trauma, then shift it out of your body, you will have the tools to grow and expand way beyond your imagination.

While the narcissist is completely incapable of growing beyond the emotional range of a toddler, you now have the chance to awaken and evolve into the true being you were always meant to be.

That is the best defence you can have against any narcissist or flying monkey, because you will find yourself vibrating in a space that simply cannot support the lower energies of narcissism.

All of the people involved in that world will either fall away or go through their own expansion because of it. The choice is theirs on a spiritual level, but really, it matters not, because you are here for your journey and your journey alone.

Detach

The first most important step when defending yourself against flying monkeys is actually to not defend yourself at all.

I know it’s seems like a feat you’ll never be able to achieve, but when you completely detach from what the narcissist and flying monkeys are doing, your whole world starts to change.

For the narcissist’s chaos to work, they need you to be falling apart, trying to hang on and defending yourself. When you detach, you’re not fuelling them or their drama at all. Sure, the flying monkeys will still be fuelling it for them, but that’s not your game.

When you’re totally enmeshed in the piles of metaphorical crap that are being slung at you, you will be energetically and psychically feeding the narcissist copious amounts of supply.

Everything you say and do, can and will be used against you by the narcissist.

I know that’s the last thing you want to be doing. Sitting there motionless while being publicly humiliated, shamed and blamed is probably one of the most soul-destroying experiences you will have to go through.

However, trying to fight back and defend your truth is not going to help you in the least. It just gets you more entrenched and gives the narcissist more ammo against you.

Acknowledge your triggers

Once you’ve stepped right back and taken yourself out of the situation, now it’s time to have a look at the very things that were so utterly triggering for you.

Grab a pen and paper and make a list of every single painful feeling that has been brought to the surface throughout this whole ordeal.

Some possible triggers:

  • Fear of rejection
  • Fear of what people think of me
  • Fear of total annihilation
  • Fear of being wrongly accused
  • Fear of total abandonment

These are primal fears which are stuck in the very cells of our body. They have been created through cultural and family conditioning, through the lives of our ancestors and even through our own past lives.

Many of us were actually persecuted and put to death for going against the village in a past life. Fitting in with the tribe-think, despite what our personal thoughts were, was a matter of survival. If the tribe rejected us, we would have been left for dead in the forest.

The thing is, there’s nothing the narcissist or their flying monkeys can physically do to you this time around. However, if you do fear for your personal safety, please get the authorities onto it ASAP!

This is purely a spiritual war in the energetic realm. The lower energies (including narcissists) need your fear to feed themselves. Without that, they will literally starve and have no choice but to find another host to feed off.

Release the need for justice

As infuriating as it is, you will not get any apologies, closure or justice from the narcissist. Those acts go against their very core survival mechanisms.

It’s time to really work on releasing the need to get any sort of justice from the narcissist in any way. It ain’t going to happen!

The real justice for you comes from detaching, releasing your traumas, then moving into a genuinely happy and abundant life. The type of life that never would have been possible when the narcissist was in it.

Your justice is evolving and growing on a soul level, while they remain stuck in groundhog day, playing out the same old cycle, over and over again.

Nope, they will never recognise that, but who cares. That’s because they simply do not have the capacity to recognise it.

Once you really start to work on yourself, the narcissist will become a distant memory who you rarely, if ever, think of any more.

They will mean so little to you and that my friend is the best justice you could ever receive.

Focus on yourself

Remember back to the love bombing phase where you were the narcissist’s whole world for a short, hot minute? Well, during that phase they were carefully observing you and collecting data on your deepest fears and insecurities.

That’s why the narcissist knows exactly how to locate and rub salt into those very wounds.

But all is not lost because they have actually handed you a gift (little do they know). Now you know exactly what needs to be healed within yourself so that you can ascend beyond any vibration where narcissism can exist.

Unmasking the Narc

 

 

 

Helping Children Resist Sexual Predators

On By LaetitiaIn Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Sexual AbuseLeave a comment

Knowing how predators home in, then exploit, is the best defence.

KEY POINTS
  • Sexual predators learn how to spot a child’s vulnerabilities.
  • Teaching children about chancy online encounters provides a layer of safety but requires informed vigilance.
  • Take time to understand the online world in which your children are interacting.

In November, Austin Lee Edwards, a twenty-eight-year-old sheriff’s deputy, used the fake online persona of a teenage boy to catfish a fifteen-year-old girl in California.

He bought and prepared a house for secrecy, then set out to bring her there. In the process, he murdered her mother and grandparents. He’s just one of many predators using social media to locate and manipulate prey. They seek kids they can manoeuvre into compliance. But while they watch for prey, you can be watching for them.

Predatory Perception

Predators look for certain types of traits and behaviors in their target victims. Repeated patterns—contextual cueing—improve their perceptual efficiency. It becomes automatic. Some get very good at it. They know that children are often oblivious to being watched, are vulnerable to enticements, and can be persuaded to think an encounter is safe.

Researcher Sarah-Jayne Blakemore at University College in London asked test subjects to estimate the likelihood of some event happening to them. After they were told the actual chances, adolescents shifted their ideas as well as adults but failed to apply them: They knew an act was risky but didn’t think the possible consequences related to them.

The Internet has provided even more ways for predators to approach. According to a fifty-year review, methods and enticements are the same as always. Only the timing and level of accessibility have differed (Ringenberg et al., 2022).

Whether online or off, predators test for “soft limits” or things to which kids might respond, even if it seems dicey. They know kids want to be considered grown-up or “cool,” so they might cooperate in activities for which they haven’t established clear rules. Teens are just beginning to develop a story for their lives. Their identity is vulnerable to influence, especially for things that seem novel or exciting. If they think the predator offers something they want, whether it’s money, status, sexual partners, access to drugs, or just a more interesting life, they might yield.

Most typically, the predator starts with a test, like an explicit story or joke. If the child responds positively, the predator might offer alcohol or drugs. Many teens will want to see what that’s like. If they comply, they’ve shown they’re willing to break the law. It’s not a serious law. No one’s getting hurt. So they’ll do it. Or they might just agree to an offline meeting. The soft limits have been breached. That’s the predator’s foot in the door.

What the Offenders Say

In 1989, Jon Conte’s research team invited 20 male sex offenders in a community treatment program to describe how they’d targeted, recruited, and maintained a sexual abuse situation with a child. The study might seem dated, but their comments still apply.

Most of these men believed they had a special ability to spot a vulnerable child. They used incremental sexualization to prepare the child. They were most attracted to friendly kids, which suggested trust, but some looked for needy kids. “Look for some kind of deficiency.”

The offenders also evaluated children for those who seemed likely to keep a secret, usually because they were socially isolated or seemed desperate for guidance or company. Thus, they’d do something that gained them advice or a friend: “Use love as a bait,” one man said, and “Show the kid extra attention.” The opening strategy was usually verbal seduction. “Get on their level, ask how their day was going, what did they like?”

Given the right bait, even kids who’ve been repeatedly warned can still be lured if the predator can make the situation seem safe. Often, the kids know their abuser from some other context.

Five Tips

The best strategy involves a mix of vigilance and awareness:

1. Teach kids about grooming behavior and the importance of telling someone if it happens. Be open to those who try to say they’re in trouble. They might not know quite how to reveal it or might describe something that’s difficult to believe, but it’s important to take them seriously. Listen!

2. Address the topic of harmful secrets and explain that responsible adults would not ask children to do this. Make sure children know they can confide in their parents or guardians if someone—even a trusted friend—asks them to do something that disturbs them.

3. Discuss the concepts of respect, consent, and gut feeling so children clearly understand when someone has crossed a line–even someone who seems okay. Kids should also understand that they can withdraw consent at any time. They’re allowed to change their minds.

4. As daunting as this might be, take time to understand the online world in which your children are interacting. This is the primary place where predators contact them. They anticipate that parents will be too busy or clueless to do much more than check in now and then.

Kids who become intensely involved with individuals in online spaces might be getting baited, and a predator will encourage them to hide the relationship. Learn about apps that offer ways to keep tabs, such as Microsoft Family Safety and Google Family Link. Attend programs offered to teach parents about Internet safety.

5. Realize that grooming often starts in the presence of parents in order to normalize it for the targeted child. Katz and Barnetz (2015) investigated grooming in a sample of 95 children, five to 13 years old. They found that 68.4 percent of victims reported that their abuser had manipulated their family members. And predators can be female as well. Be careful of assumptions.

Predators prefer kids who won’t give them trouble; arm your child to do just that.

References

Berliner, L. (2018). The concept of grooming and how it can help victims. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 33(1), 24-27. doi:10.1177/0886260517742057

Blakemore, S-J. (2018) Inventing Ourselves: The Secret Life of the Teenage Brain. Doubleday.

Conte, J. R., Wolf, S. & Smith, T. (1989). What sexual offenders tell us about prevention strategies. Child Abuse and Neglect, 13, 293-301.

Psychology Today

Mother’s Day – Estranged Adult Children

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and Lies, SuicideLeave a comment

Mother’s Day, and special days: Triggering pain for mothers of estranged adult children

by Sheri McGregor, M.A.

Here it comes again—Mother’s Day in the United States and in Canada. Mothers of estranged adult children in the U.K. have already seen Mother’s Day come and go. Soon, mothers in Canada and in the States will be on the other side of the holiday too—until next year, when it rolls around all over again.

Hang in there. Mother’s Day won’t stop coming just because we’re estranged. And having spoken with thousands of parents who’ve been cut off by adult children, the reality is that the situation may not be ending for you anytime soon either. That’s why it’s so important for you to adapt.

What can you do?

Since starting this site, I’ve written a few articles about getting through Mother’s Day when adult children are estranged. You’ll find in them practical advice and concrete tips. You’ll also find comments from mothers of estranged adult children who share their experiences, and acknowledge the emotional pain. In this article, we’ll focus on Mother’s Day from an emotional triggers perspective.

Mother’s Day when adult children are estranged: Avoiding extra hurt

Mother’s Day, like any time when we’re particularly reminded of an estranged adult child and the relationship we used to share, can trigger an onslaught of feelings. While it’s helpful to acknowledge the pain, it’s also easy to slip into a looping circle of thoughts that bring us down. Everyone else is having fun, and I’m sitting home alone. What did I do to deserve this? This is so embarrassing. Nobody understands.

Each of us has our own personal version of woeful thoughts. And scrolling through Facebook with its stream of happy family shots might fuel the feelings behind them. Protect yourself if you need to.  Just as social media can push emotional buttons, going to a brunch on Mother’s Day when you’ll be surrounded by families also might not be helpful either. Do you have other adult children or family who want to take you out? Remember, this is your day. You get to choose! Take care of yourself.

Coping Mindfully

What else might make you feel sad or lonely? Make a few notes of what will hurt or help–and then be proactive. Mother’s Day when your adult children are estranged is similar to other times that are particularly hurtful because they remind you of loss, stress, or grief. In my book, Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, in one story, Julia misses her only son. They were very close, and in the early mornings, he used to call her daily to chat. Julia had come to expect those calls. So after the estrangement, she would stare at the silent phone. Time gaped, and she felt horribly alone and sad.

Before her son walked away from the family, Julia’s mornings revolved around those calls. Their chat sessions had become part of her routine. They connected her to her son, and to the life they shared. But post-estrangement, Julia learned to adapt. Using one of the tools in the first chapter of the book, the first step toward her healing was to alter her routine. Looking at her phone each morning, wishing it would ring, only reminded her of what she’d lost.

Emotional hiccups

Just as mornings were particularly difficult for Julia, Mother’s Day can prick up the feelings of loneliness and rejection that are common with estrangement from adult children. For some it’s a particular song. Others might be bothered by a particular sporting event, or other recreation. Even if you don’t realize why, you might find yourself overeating, grousing at the cat, or having troublesome dreams. The feelings or behavior may be related to emotions triggered by a holiday like Mother’s Day, or another personally significant day.

While I’m past the pain of estrangement, certain places and activities do remind me of my estranged adult child. Eating strawberries makes me think of him—he’d choose them over any sugary dessert. And a nearby street never fails to remind me of him. Memories are attached to those things, so it’s natural the mind connects them to someone who was once so much a part of my life.

Does that mean I’m sad? Not anymore. I’ve come to think of those triggered memories as hiccups. Like some of the other mothers whose stories are shared in my book, I’ve worked through the pain, and moved beyond it. Recognizing those triggers, and then taking action to make new routines can help.

Stepping forward: Be good to yourself

There’s no set schedule to moving beyond emotional pain. There are only steps, big or little, that move you forward. Whatever you do, don’t get down on yourself. Acknowledge your feelings so you can deal with them. Remember the utter shock you felt when your son or daughter first cut you off? Don’t think of triggered emotions as setbacks. They’re aftershocks—a normal occurrence that relieves pressure. Pat yourself on the back for accepting where you are right now, and for recognizing that in coping mindfully like Julia, you’re healing. Think: Forward. I’m adapting. I’m moving on.

Take Action

Like Julia and other mothers whose stories of estrangement from adult children are shared in Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, you too can heal. Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be a bad trigger day. You too can be Done With The Crying.

Rejected Parents

The B.I.T.E Model – Characteristics of a Cult.

On By LaetitiaIn Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious CultsLeave a comment

Here is Steven Hassan’s B.I.T.E. model, a checklist for the characteristics of a cult. As well as religious organization’s this behaviour can be present in many groups situations, families, working life and friendships.

The Evolution of the BITE Model – Steven Hassan

There are three components to Festinger’s theory – control of behaviour, thoughts, and emotions. Each can be affected by the other two. By manipulating three elements cults gain control over a person’s identity. Through working with former cult members, a fourth important component is identified – control of information. When that is controlled as the amount a person can receive limit capacity for independent thought. These four factors are easily remembered as BITE Behaviour, Information, Thoughts, Emotions.

The Bite Model

Behaviour Control

Regulation of individuals physical reality

Where, how and with who the member lives and associates.

What clothes, colours, hairstyles the person wears.

What food the person eats, drinks, adopts and rejects.

How much sleep the person is able to have.

Financial dependence.

Little or no time spent on leisure, entertainment, and vacations.

 

Major time commitment required for indoctrination sessions and group rituals.

Ask permission for major decisions.

Need to report thoughts, feelings, and activities to superiors.

Rewards and punishments (behaviour modification techniques, positive and negative)

Individualism discouraged ‘group think’ prevails.

Rigid rules and regulations.

 

Information Control

Use of deception.

Deliberately holding back information.

Distorting information to make it more acceptable.

Outright lying.

 

Access to non-cult sources of information minimized or discouraged.

Books, articles, magazines, TV, radio.

Critical Information.

Former members.

Keep members so busy they do not have time to think and check things out.

 

Compartmentalization of information – outsider vs insider doctrines.

Information is not freely accessible.

Information varies at different levels and missions within pyramid.

 

Spying on other members is encouraged.

Pairing up with ‘buddy’ system to monitor and control.

Reporting deviant thoughts, feelings, and actions to leadership.

Individual behaviour monitored by whole group.

Leadership decides who needs to know what and when.

 

Extensive use of cult generated information and propaganda.

Newsletters, magazines, journals, audio tapes, video tapes and other media.

Misquotations, statements taken out of context from non-cult sources.

 

Unethical use of confession.

Information about ‘sins’ used to abolish identity boundaries.

Past sins used to manipulate and control, no forgiveness or absolution.

 

Need for obedience and dependency.

Thought Control

Need to internalize the groups doctrine as ‘truth’,

Adopting the groups ‘map of reality’ as Reality.

Black and white thinking.

Good vs Evil.

Us vs Them.

 

Use of loaded language (thought terminating cliches) words are the tools we use to think with. Those special words constrict rather than expand understanding and can even stop thoughts altogether. They function to reduce complexities of experience into trite, platitudinous ‘buzz words’.

Only good and proper thoughts are encouraged.

Use of hypnotic techniques to induce altered mental states.

Manipulation of memories and implantation of false memories.

 

Use of thought stopping techniques which shut down ‘reality testing’ by stopping negative thoughts and allowing only good thoughts.

Denial, rationalization, justification, wishful thinking.

Chanting.

Meditating.

Praying.

Speaking in tongues.

Singing or humming.

 

Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism. No critical questions about leaders, doctrine or policies seen as legitimate.

No alternative belief system viewed as legitimate, good or useful.

 

Emotional Control

Manipulate and narrow the range of a persons feelings.

Make the person feel that if there are any problems its always their fault, never the leaders or groups.

Excessive use of guilt.

Identity guilt.

Who you are (not living up to potential)

Your family

Your past

Your affiliations

Your thoughts, feelings, actions

Social guilt

Historical guilt

 

Excessive use of fear

Fear of thinking independently

Fear of the outside world

Fear of enemies

Fear of losing ones salvation

Fear of leaving the group or being shunned

Fear of disapproval

 

Extremes of emotional highs and lows

Ritual and often public confessions of sins

 

Phobia indoctrination inculcating irrational fears about ever leaving the group or questioning leaders authority. The person under mind control cannot visualize a positive fulfilled future without being in the group.

No happiness or fulfilment outside of the group.

Terrible consequences will take place if you leave, hell, demon possession, incurable diseases, accidents, suicide, insanity, 10,000 reincarnations etc.

Shunning of leave takers, fear of being rejected by peers, friends and family.

Never a legitimate reason to leave. From the groups perspective people who leave are weak, undisciplined, unspiritual, worldly, brainwashed by family or a counsellor, or seduced by money, sex or ‘rock and roll’.

It is important to understand that the Destructive Mind Control can be determined when the overall effect of the four components promote dependency and obedience to some leader or cause. It is not necessary for every single item on the list to be present. Mind control cult members can live in their own apartments, have nine to five jobs, married with children, and still be unable to think for themselves and act independently.

(This was taken from a book entitled: Releasing The Bonds – Empowering People to Think for Themselves by Steven Hassan).

Religious Trauma Syndrome

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, SuicideLeave a comment
Religious Trauma Syndrome
by Marlene Winell
Religious Trauma Syndrome is the condition experienced by people who are struggling with leaving an authoritarian, dogmatic religion and coping with the damage of indoctrination. They may be going through the shattering of a personally meaningful faith and/or breaking away from a controlling community and lifestyle. RTS is a function of both the chronic abuses of harmful religion and the impact of severing one’s connection with one’s faith. It can be compared to a combination of PTSD and Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). This is a summary followed by a series of three articles which were published in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Today.
Religious Trauma Syndrome has a very recognizable set of symptoms, a definitive set of causes, and a debilitating cycle of abuse. There are ways to stop the abuse and recover.
Symptoms of Religious Trauma Syndrome:
• Cognitive: Confusion, poor critical thinking ability, negative beliefs about self-ability & self-worth, black & white thinking, perfectionism, difficulty with decision-making
• Emotional: Depression, anxiety, anger, grief, loneliness, difficulty with pleasure, loss of meaning
• Social: Loss of social network, family rupture, social awkwardness, sexual difficulty, behind schedule on developmental tasks
• Cultural: Unfamiliarity with secular world; “fish out of water” feelings, difficulty belonging, information gaps (e.g. evolution, modern art, music)
Causes of Religious Trauma Syndrome:
Authoritarianism coupled with toxic theology which is received and reinforced at church, school, and home results in:
• Suppression of normal child development – cognitive, social, emotional, moral stages are arrested
• Damage to normal thinking and feeling abilities -information is limited and controlled; dysfunctional beliefs taught; independent thinking condemned; feelings condemned
• External locus of control – knowledge is revealed, not discovered; hierarchy of authority enforced; self not a reliable or good source
• Physical and sexual abuse – patriarchal power; unhealthy sexual views; punishment used as for discipline
Cycle of Abuse
The doctrines of original sin and eternal damnation cause the most psychological distress by creating the ultimate double bind. You are guilty and responsible, and face eternal punishment. Yet you have no ability to do anything about it. (These are teachings of fundamentalist Christianity; however other authoritarian religions have equally toxic doctrines.)
You must conform to a mental test of “believing” in an external, unseen source for salvation, and maintain this state of belief until death. You cannot ever stop sinning altogether, so you must continue to confess and be forgiven, hoping that you have met the criteria despite complete lack of feedback about whether you will actually make it to heaven.
Salvation is not a free gift after all.
For the sincere believer, this results in an unending cycle of shame and relief.
Stopping the Cycle
You can stop the cycle of abuse, but leaving the faith is a “mixed blessing.” Letting go of the need to conform is a huge relief. There is a sense of freedom, excitement about information and new experiences, new-found self-respect, integrity, and the sense of an emerging identity.
There are huge challenges as well. The psychological damage does not go away overnight. In fact, because the phobia indoctrination in young childhood is so powerful, the fear of hell can last a lifetime despite rational analysis. Likewise the damage to self-esteem and basic self-trust can be crippling. This is why there are so many thousands of walking wounded – people who have left fundamentalist religion and are living with Religious Trauma Syndrome.
Mistaken Identity
Religious Trauma Syndrome mimics the symptoms of many other disorders –
post-traumatic stress disorder
clinical depression
anxiety disorders
bipolar disorder
obsessive compulsive disorder
borderline personality disorder
eating disorders
social disorders
marital and sexual dysfunctions
suicide
drug and alcohol abuse
extreme antisocial behavior, including homicide
There are many extreme cases, including child abuse of all kinds, suicide, rape, and murder. Not as extreme but also tragic are all the people who are struggling to make sense of life after losing their whole basis of reality. None of the previously named diagnoses quite tells the story, and many who try to get help from the mental health profession cannot find a therapist who understands.
What’s the problem?
We have in our society an assumption that religion is for the most part benign or good for you. Therapists, like others, expect that if you stop believing, you just quit going to church, putting it in the same category as not believing in Santa Claus. Some people also consider religious beliefs childish, so you just grow out of them, simple as that. Therapists often don’t understand fundamentalism, and they even recommend spiritual practices as part of therapy. In general, people who have not survived an authoritarian fundamentalist indoctrination do not realize what a complete mind-rape it really is.
In the United States, we also treasure our bill of rights, our freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, and freedom of religion. This makes it extremely difficult to address a debilitating disorder like RTS without threatening the majority of Americans. Raising questions about toxic beliefs and abusive practices in religion seems to be violating a taboo. No one wants to be pointing fingers for fear of tampering with our precious freedoms.
But this is the problem. Sanitizing religion makes it all the more insidious when it is toxic. For example, small children are biologically dependent on their adult caretakers; built into their survival mechanisms is a need to trust authority just to stay alive. Religious teachings take hold easily in their underdeveloped brains while the adults conveniently keep control. This continues generation after generation, as the religious meme complex reproduces itself, and masses of believers learn to value self-loathing and fear apocalypse.
There is hope
Awareness is growing about the dangers of religious indoctrination. There are more and more websites to support the growing number of people leaving harmful religion. Slowly, services are growing to help people with RTS heal and grow, including Journey Free. We are discovering the means by which people can understand what they have been through and take steps to become healthy, happy human beings.

How Narcissists use Projection to Manipulate,

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment
Psychology Explains How Narcissists Use Projection To Manipulate
PSYCHOLOGY EXPLAINS HOW NARCISSISTS USE PROJECTION TO MANIPULATE
Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissists have no real self-awareness to speak of. Indeed, their very sense of value is derived from how others perceive them. As a rule, narcissists are unable to recognize their shortcomings and failures, instead choosing to cast the blame – no matter the merits of such – onto someone else. It’s called projection – a default defense mechanism of the narcissist.

In this article, we’re going to define narcissism, projection, and how those with narcissistic tendencies use projection in order to achieve their aims. As you will read, narcissists are experts at manipulation. To this end, we’ll discuss how you can spot the narcissist, along with proactive things you can do to avoid becoming a victim of narcissistic manipulation.

WHAT IS PROJECTION?

In the field of psychology, projection – or psychological projection – is the denial of subconscious impulses by the human ego. For instance, someone accusing their partner of cheating when they’re actually the one engaging in the scandalous act is projecting. A jealous co-worker who accuses everyone else in the office of being jealous is projecting; secretly, they’re jealous of just about everyone with a modicum of success. And so on.

While common among the narcissistic, projecting is something that we all do to varying degrees. We usually project onto others when we have uncomfortable, sometimes disturbing, emotions, and thoughts about ourselves. The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, believed that we project things onto others when we don’t want to burden ourselves with our perceived flaws or feelings of inferiority.

In other words, we want others to be the vehicles for our insecurities. We don’t want to deal with them anymore.

The thing is: while we all project, we don’t make a habit out of it. Most of us wouldn’t use projection to make someone feel inferior. We certainly wouldn’t employ projection as a means of coercion. Because, well, you’re not a narcissist (we don’t think.)

Speaking of which, let’s discuss narcissistic personality disorder in a tad more detail.

THE STORY OF NARCISSUS (THE OG NARCISSIST)

The ancient Greeks and Romans promulgated a myth about a young lad a wee too obsessed with his image. The story goes that Narcissus was a handsome guy who rejected all female comers.  In fact, Narcissus rejected all of those who loved him, leading some of those he loved to take their own lives as a last effort to show Narcissus their devotion and love.

None of this moved the vain young man, however, which led the Goddess Nemesis to punish Narcissus for his callousness. The story ends with Narcissus getting a glimpse of himself in a lake, which reflected back an image showing him in the prime of his beauty. Narcissus fell in love with his own image, eventually realizing that nothing could love him as much as he could love himself. Nemesis takes his own life shortly after this realization.

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

In the late 1800s, psychologists decided that the vain Narcissus was an apt representation of some of their clients. A sexologist by the name of Havelock Ellis coined the term “narcissus-like” to describe his patients engaging in excessive masturbation.

In 1911, an Austrian psychiatrist by the name of Otto Rank published the first academic paper proposing narcissism as a potential psychological disorder. Rank described narcissism in the context of excessive self-admiration and vanity. Three years later, Freud published the paper On Narcissism: An Introduction.

“…a personality disorder with a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.”

Clinical treatment of NPD is not well-studied but is thought to be difficult – as those with NPD are unable to see their condition as a problem. NPD occurs more often in males, affects roughly one percent of the population, and is far more common in younger people than older.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) – the diagnostic literature published by the American Psychological Association (APA) – lists ten recognized symptoms of NPD:https://imasdk.googleapis.com/js/core/bridge3.432.0_en.html#goog_154395631000:00 of 09:01Volume 90%This video will resume in 4 seconds 

  1. A sense of grandiosity
  2. Expecting superior treatment from others
  3. Exploiting others for personal gain without feelings of guilt
  4. An inability to understand the thoughts and feelings of others
  5. Strong feelings of envy towards others
  6. Constantly engaging in the bullying, belittling, and demeaning of others
  7. A sense of entitlement and the need to be treated special
  8. The need to be perceived as superior and unique
  9. Obsession over desired traits such as attractiveness, intelligence, power, and success
  10. The need to be constant admiration from other people
NARCISSISTS + PROJECTION = MANIPULATION

“When the [narcissistic] individual is in the superior position, defending against shame, the grandiose self aligns with the inner critic and devalues others through projection.” – Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT (source)

HERE’S HOW NARCISSISTS USE PROJECTION TO MANIPULATE YOU (AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT):
1. THEY “CALL YOU OUT”

Perhaps the most straightforward way to project is to call someone out. When a narcissist calls you out, you can bet they’re doing so for one of two reasons: (a) to get you to do something, (b) to attack you, or both. Guilt-tripping is among the most common methods narcissists use. If that doesn’t work, they may get frustrated and verbally attack you.

What to do: In any case, don’t take the bait. Recognize the behavior for what it is: a shameless, insulting attempt to manipulate your thoughts and feelings. You have something they want – don’t give it to them!

2. THEY MIMIC

While narcissists have the emotional depth of a puddle, they’re smart enough (many are highly intelligent) to know that emotionality matters to people. For this reason, narcissists will often mimic the emotional behaviors that they see elsewhere to convince someone of their genuine nature.

For the narcissist, the problem with this tactic is that mimicry goes against the grain of innate human behavior. Assuming that they’re not some CIA-trained spy, the entire façade will become apparent sooner or later.

What to do: Be observant. Someone’s core personality will always make itself known. You just have to keep your eyes and ears open.

3. THEY USE CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

If you’ve ever been the victim of character assassination, then you may know the far-reaching effects. Targeting someone’s character is the ultimate “go for the jugular” act. When a narcissist engages in character assassination, it’s often out of vengeance, or for the purpose of winning people over for some reason.

What to do: The most important thing here is not to panic. Most have pretty good sense when it comes to getting a feel for someone’s character. For this reason, we’re naturally cautious when someone verbally attacks another’s person. If these things are occurring in a work environment, it may be necessary to speak with your manager, human resources, or the legal department.

4. THEY PLAY THE VICTIM

Narcissists love to play the victim. At first, anyway. Why? Because they realize that most of us have some kind of sensitive core. We don’t like to see other people suffer. We want to help alleviate that suffering. Narcissists are all too eager to take advantage of this near-universal human trait. For this reason, the narcissist will project a “Woe is me” demeanor as well.

Some less-intelligent narcissists make the critical error of playing the victim to one person. If this is the case, it’s much easier to see through the charade.

What to do: It’s important to remain observant and keep your ear to the ground. If you’re particularly sensitive (e.g., an empath), make sure that you’re offering your assistance only to people you know well.

3. THEY SHAPE SHIFT

When a narcissist feels that they’ve got the victim where they want, they’ll quickly drop the act. They do so because they’re confident that the victim will offer little if any resistance. Indeed, this is often the last opportunity that the potential – or, by this point, possibly real – the victim will have to minimize the damage.

If you catch onto the shape-shifting, don’t expect the narcissist to go quietly into the night. Remember, narcissists are experts in the art of manipulation – and they may still be able to flummox you just enough that you’ll keep them around.

FINAL BIT OF ADVICE ON DEALING WITH NARCISSISTS

At this juncture, it is critical that you not hesitate to “end it.” Unless that person has some undiagnosed mental health disorder, there’s just no rational explanation for displaying extremes along the personality spectrum. Particularly if you’re being hurt in the interim.

Power of Positivity

Estranged Families and Christmas

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, SuicideLeave a comment
Christmas is the hardest time of year for those estranged from close family

Image – CBS

With Christmas just around the corner, many will be finalising plans to see their families over the festive period. Yet for others, family relationships are challenging, distant and a source of pain. In some cases, relationships break down entirely leaving people estranged from close relatives.

Results from a new online survey of people estranged from family members conducted with the charity Stand Alone, has shown how difficult Christmas can be. The survey was completed by 807 people who identified as being estranged from a parent, sibling or an adult child.

Almost all identified the holiday season as the most challenging time of year, describing feelings of loneliness, isolation and sadness. These feelings and experiences are in direct contrast to the idealised images of happy families around the dinner table that feature in Christmas advertising and the media at this time of year. One respondent said:

Everyone always says ‘what family plans do you have for holidays?’ and look at you funny when you say none. It’s hard to explain to people why you don’t want to be with your own parents.

Two-thirds of the respondents felt there was a stigma about family estrangement. They described feeling judged or blamed – and feeling that estrangement was a taboo subject about which there is little understanding or acknowledgement.

No two estranged relationships looked alike. Yet common factors often led to estrangement, such as having mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships, clashes in personality and values, and emotional abuse.

Estrangement was found to be more complex than simply a lack of contact or communication between family members. Although most of the respondents who were estranged from a parent, sibling or an adult child had no contact whatsoever with this individual, approximately 25% had contact that was minimal in nature. These results are similar to those of Australian social worker Kylie Aglias, who has distinguished between family members who have no contact at all (physical estrangement) and those whose contact is infrequent, perfunctory, and often uncomfortable (emotional estrangement).

We also found that estranged relationships change over time and that cycles in and out of estrangement are common. Of those who said they wished that their estranged relationship was different, most wanted a relationship that was more loving, warm and emotionally close.

What can be done to help?

When it came to getting support, respondents said those friends and support services which offered them emotional and practical support and took the time to listen to them and show them understanding were the most helpful. They found it unhelpful when they felt friends or counsellors dismissed them or when they felt they had been judged and blamed for the estrangement.

It would be wrong to assume that all those experiencing estrangement wish for there to be reconciliation in the future. Feelings about the future of estranged relationships were varied. Of those who were estranged from a mother or father, most felt that there would never be a functional relationship between them in the future. Yet for those who were estranged from an adult son or daughter, most felt that there could be a functional relationship in the future or were unsure of the future direction of the relationship.

Four out of five respondents also reported that there had been a positive outcome from their experience of estrangement. These included feeling more free and independent, feeling happier and less stressed, and having gained a greater insight or understanding of themselves and relationships more broadly.

By listening to the hidden voices of people who are estranged from close relatives, we can begin to move beyond assumptions about what families could or should look like and begin conversations about families and family relationships as they really are.

The Conversation.com

What Causes Children to Become Narcissists

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic AbuseLeave a comment

Psychologists explain.

Image – Learning Mind

Many people believe narcissists aren’t born that way. Psychologists aren’t sure the exact cause but think children become this way due to their environment. We have a more in-depth look into what causes children to become narcissists.

WHAT IS NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER?

Let’s look at the clinical definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This is a diagnosed mental health condition, not just a term to toss around lightly.

Mental health professionals look for signs like the following: arrogance, chronic attention-seeking, manipulation, entitlement, fascination for wealth and power, and hate for criticism.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is hard to diagnose in children or teenagers. At younger ages, humans are always growing and changing. The personality traits of a narcissist usually worsen with age.

So just because a person feels the need always to be right or is selfish, those actions do not mean that they have a mental illness, necessarily.

THE STUDY OF NARCISSISM IN CHILDREN

There was a study in Psychological and Cognitive Sciences done by the University of Amsterdam on narcissism in children. This study helped figure out the levels of children’s self-esteem due to parental involvement. The researchers concluded that narcissism was predicted more by parental overvaluation than by the lack of parental warmth.

PSYCHOLOGISTS’ VIEW OF WHAT TRIGGERS NARCISSISM IN CHILDREN

Psychologists do agree parental behavior is a contribution to developing a narcissistic child. This doesn’t mean all narcissists are created by their parents. We’ll also examine some people are just born with that personality. Some psychologists believe children are more likely to show these traits when parents throw praise on them. Others think they show these traits because they don’t shower them with love and affection. We’ll dive into both of these views.

NEED FOR APPROVAL

There are a few things that can cause children to become narcissistic. It’s normal for children to want their parents’ approval and their attention. Sometimes when a child cannot get that attention because the family is very competitive and only values high achievement, the child gets left behind. Sometimes the child only feels loved when they win. If they don’t get recognition for second place, they feel like a disappointment.

If a child grows up in a narcissistic family, they only see these values. They set up a lifelong pattern of chasing happiness. Other times the child feels defeated as they’re told over and over again that they aren’t good enough. They decide to love themselves and make the world like them since their parents don’t show them enough love.

Sometimes they go as far as to do outlandish things because they crave attention. When they don’t get approval, they push the bar further and further until someone has to “see” them and approve them. It becomes a vicious cycle.

2 – STRIVING TO BE PERFECT

When children believe they are only loved and praised when they “win,” they start to feel insecure. They think they’re only valued when they are unique. The child begins to try to be “perfect” to be seen. They strive for perfection to prove they don’t have flaws. The parent continues to put them down when they don’t get all A’s or score goals in a game.

If the child isn’t good enough in their eyes, they are set in a hypothetical corner of the room. The problem with this is the child loses touch with themselves. They don’t even know who they are at the root. They spend their time trying to perfect every activity instead of concentrating on their development as a person. A child should be able to be imperfect at times.

They cannot always score the winning goal. If a parent doesn’t tell them it’s okay to miss a goal, they’ll feel defeated at all times.

PARENTS WHO MAKE KIDS THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE

Many parents make their children the center of their universe. This doesn’t mean the child will suddenly become a narcissist. Toddlers go through a stage that many call “The Terrible Twos.” If a toddler is neglected through this stage, they sometimes leave the stage without completing it. This scenario may sound like a dream to a parent, but it’s a negative thing.

They will mature into adults with this same perception of the world. During this stage, they should realize there are other people in their world. They understand they need other people, but they want to be independent. This is just a normal stage. Young children need boundaries.

If they aren’t allowed to fail and know their limits, they grow up without any expectations. They learn these limits by throwing tantrums, screaming, manipulating, and making up emotions. If they don’t learn any of these things, they might become narcissists. They expect the world does revolve around them, and they should get what they want.

The scary part is that this toddler then becomes an adult having a tantrum. They think they deserve attention.

PARENTS HEAP ON TOO MUCH PRAISE

Many parents overly praise their children. It’s the world of participation trophies we live in. You can work with your child to ensure they don’t go down this path.

As a parent, you have to help them realize they are going to fail. It’s okay to fail. Teach them empathy and kindness to others. Show them with your actions. Set boundaries for them daily. There are a million different “rules” on parenting in the world. Some say you praise too much. Some say you don’t praise enough.

The most important thing is to work with your child, so they understand you love them, but you have to set boundaries for them as well.

PARENTAL MIRROR IMAGE

Many times narcissists as children learn from their parents. When the parents treat the child as if they are perfect, the child starts to believe it. Praise is lovely to a child, but praising their every move can be detrimental to their development. When the parent shows narcissistic tendencies, the child might start to act the same way.

NATURE VS. NURTURE

Some children are born with a tendency to fell less emotional empathy than others. By nature, they are simply not as empathetic as other people. They don’t feel much emotion. This doesn’t mean they are a narcissist. It just means they don’t have this emotion as much as others.

They see the parent showing off, living like the rules don’t matter, and treating people with disrespect. Children often mirror what they see in their parents. They start to do these same things without realizing it.

Nurture is a learned habit. If narcissists have a mental illness of this sort, they usually are taught relationships aren’t as meaningful. They see people as objects at times because it is learned. They were born with the ability to love, yet don’t feel it because they aren’t shown enough love. Note that this does not mean that every child who isn’t nurtured with love will become a narcissist.

NOTICING NARCISSISTIC TRAITS IN CHILDREN

It’s important to watch out for ways the child shows narcissistic tendencies.

  • When they start to act entitled, it’s time to step in and show them who’s boss.
  • They also may become aggressive.
  • When they don’t get their way, watch out. Many times the worst parts of a narcissist will show when they are threatened. Their ego is their protection.
  • Once you push it, they sometimes crumble under stress.
  • They do not like it when their self-esteem is damaged. When they feel failure, they often lash out.
THE TOUGH TRUTH

It can be tough to see these traits in children. Narcissists don’t seem contrary to the exterior. They act how you think they should. A person might seem to have all of the right intentions but always has an angle.

They often deflect blame onto anyone around them. Furthermore, they charm you with their angelic actions, only to later show their true selves. Children and teenagers often show all sorts of these traits just because of their age. They might not have a mental health issue but are just everyday kids. It’s important to watch them closely over time to see if their personality changes in a positive way.

HELP FOR A NARCISSISTIC CHILD

The problem with narcissistic people is that there is no cure for their behavior. If it’s changed and worked within childhood, they can hopefully let the other positive parts of their personality shine. They have to want to change. Adults must work with children that have these tendencies to protect their future social relationships. Many claim it’s almost impossible for them to have intimate relationships because they see affection as a means to an end.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON WHY CHILDREN GROW UP TO BECOME NARCISSISTS

Overall, a narcissistic child can change if they get intervention at a young age. Changing an adult’s perspective is much harder. Children grow and learn by those that guide them through life. It’s great to praise their strange artwork, but only if you do it to an extent. There’s a balance between neglecting your children and overpraising them.

Narcissists create an unfavorable environment for anyone in their path. Therefore, it’s essential to work with children to ensure their future is positive and healthy.

Power of Positivity

Death of an Estranged Parent

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, SuicideLeave a comment

by Kris Peterson.

There are many articles on parents with estranged adult children.  This article however will touch on adult children with estranged parents.

When people hear about the loss or the impending loss of an estranged parent some people feel shocked and unprepared to experience the range of emotions of grief.  They may struggle with a wide variety of things that they will have to be consider in a very short period of time.  Funeral attendance, flights across the country, other people’s feelings and their own feelings.  The loss may leave them mourning not only their estranged parents death but also the loss of an imaginary, what-may-have-been relationship.

Sometimes people find out about the death of their parent in an insensitive way.  Maybe they found out after the fact in obituaries or through the “grape-vine” of other estranged family members.  Communication in estranged family relationships are sometimes non-existent. It is not unusual for major events – even a death – to not be communicated. They may assume that they were left out with evil intent when it’s possible that the family of the estranged parent has perceived the relationship to be so strained that the person wouldn’t want it communicated.

Reasons people may grieve an estranged parent:

  1. Grieving that the relationship now has no chance of mending. Often at some level there is an unspoken hope that the relationship might be restored. Death closes the door on reconciliation. Words are left unsaid and the feelings still remain, sometimes without closure.
  2. Grieving the loss of a part of heritage. Even though the relationship with the parent wasn’t strong, the death involves someone who is a part of their lineage and the chance to learn about the other half of their family may be gone.
  3. Grieve what might have been.  People reflect on a time when they loved the parent, or wanted to love them. Although there may not be a longing for things to change, there is a feeling of melancholy that things were not different. The death of the parent brings to mind ideas of how the relationship should have been.  After the loss, the dream for a better relationship remains only a dream, and in many cases people grieve the death of the dream rather than the loss of the person.

Some people experience apathy to the loss of the non-existent parent in their lives.  It is entirely possible that they dealt with the grief of loss when they were first estranged.   The length of time and purpose of the estrangement greatly affects each persons response.

Ways to help someone with the loss of an estranged parent:

  • Regardless of whatever expectations they think society has placed on them for handling the loss of an estranged parent, they have experienced a loss and they are allowed to grieve.  Giving them space to grieve without judgment is important.
  • People may express deep sadness and remorse for the wasted years.  Missed phone calls or chances to re-connect and opportunities lost.  Remind them to not waste the rest of their life looking back at what could have been.
  • Talking about the past can be cathartic and open doorways to recovery.  Though sometimes people don’t realize that reciting a general litany of of unhappiness is one of the main reasons they stay stuck.  The goal is to become emotionally complete with what happened so that they don’t need to be a current victim of what happened in the past. It’s bad enough that they were mistreated and/or harmed, but remaining stuck in the destructive mental repetition can prevent them from moving forward.
  • Remind them that forgiveness isn’t saying that the estranged child ‘accepts’ or ‘approves’ what happened. Forgiveness is the acknowledgment that what happened, happened, and that they are now ready to let go of the baggage.  Forgiveness isn’t always about the other person, it’s about moving forward.

What NOT to say to someone grieving the death of an estranged parent:

  • “They were an awful person, why do you even care?” Invalidates the feelings of the grieving person.  They are trying to figure out their own emotions in the situation.  They may be feeling confused or upset that they care about this person too. They may be upset that they care for this person at all, adding even more to their confusion and grief.  Invalidating their feelings may make them feel like they aren’t allowed to express them at all.
  • When will you feel better?” Expectation for a timeline for grieving puts unnecessary pressure on the griever to just get over it and again reinforces that they aren’t allowed to express their emotions.
  • “You didn’t even know him/her” amplifies what the griever is probably already thinking.  Knowing this doesn’t take away from the pain of being unable to connect to their estranged parent, in cases it might even be the primary cause of their grief.

Resources:

I thought we‘d never speak again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation,By Laura Davis.  She weaves powerful accounts of parents reconciling with children, embittered siblings reconnecting, angry friends reunited, when war veterans and crime victims meet with their enemies, to her own experiences reconciling with her mother after a long, painful estrangement.

Healing Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off From a Family, By Mark Sichel.  Family therapist Mark Sichel addresses the pain and shame connected with family rifts and offers a way through the crisis and on toward healing and fulfillment.

Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them, By Barbara LeBey.  Working closely with two family therapists, Barbara LeBey offers a set of tested guidelines to help you approach alienated or angry family members, deal with your own issues, and mend your broken family relationships–even if you think it may already be too late.

Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief, By Jennifer Elison and Chris Mcgonigle.  Sometimes we are relieved that our loved one is no longer suffering; at the other end of the spectrum, a death might finally free us of an abusive or unhappy relationship.  In this groundbreaking book, the authors share their own and others’ stories, compassionate clinical analysis, and pragmatic counsel with other disenfranchised survivors.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, By Susan Forward.  In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents — and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, By Lindsay C. Gibson.  clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood.

The Bereavement Academy