Category: Narcissistic Abuse

How to Cope with Estrangement at Christmas

On By LaetitiaIn Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Dealing with the pain of estrangement can be difficult at the best of times, let alone when it’s Christmas and the absence of family may be more noticeable. After a difficult year of restrictions, hearing about the ‘Christmas bubbles’ some families are forming may also add to the feeling of loss that estrangement can bring, so we asked gransnetters for their tips and advice on how to cope with estrangement at Christmas time. 

Seven ways to cope with family estrangement at Christmas

Focus on yourself and what you want to do

“On Christmas Day I got up early, had several cups of tea, fed the dogs and then wrapped up warm and took them for a long, slow walk. We got back home, I made a hot drink, put the fire on and cuddled up with the dogs until we’d all thawed out.

My Christmas dinner was egg and chips with brown bread and butter and then I curled up with the dogs and watched three Star Wars films, one after the other. It was wonderful! I went to bed happy, relaxed and ready for whatever was coming next. Please don’t think of Christmas Day alone, but of Christmas Day on your own – a vastly different kettle of fish.”

Whether you’re alone for Christmas, or spending it with other family and friends, try to create a day including things you enjoy and that will make you happy. It could be that you ignore traditions and do something you’ve always wanted to do, for example, an alternative feast and film marathon like this gransnetter, or make the day as festive as possible (with all the trimmings). The important thing is that you try to make plans (whether alone or with others) that will bring you joy. Stuck for ideas? Check out our page on things to do if you’re alone for Christmas.

One gransnetter recommends doing something altruistic to raise your spirits: “Volunteer! There are so many people in need this time of year, and lots of amazing organisations. Focusing on giving to others in need will help you embrace what the season is all about, peace and goodwill. You’ll feel so good about your good deeds, you’ll forget to feel bad.”

If you’re deliberating whether to decorate or not, one gransnetter has this advice: “If you’ve always celebrated Christmas, decorated your home and your tree, don’t stop. It’s very tempting to not bother because it’s just too painful but you can’t ignore it, not really. You see homes with their lovely decorations and, for me, to not do my best to embrace this time of the year would simply reinforce what we have lost, and make it harder see what we still have.”

Talk to a trusted friend

“I would talk to your friends and get it out in the open. You may find that talking about it helps get it in perspective and makes it more manageable. I would have a plan for the day, make the most of the things that you have and do something that will keep you busy and engaged.”

Christmas is a hard time of year to be estranged from family, so it’s important that you have a support network in place in case you need to talk through your feelings and acknowledge the sadness you might feel. Communicating how you feel to a trusted friend (who isn’t involved in the estrangement) is important for your mental health, and they can always offer support in the form of taking your mind off things by having a good catch-up too.

 Or chat to the Gransnet community

“Most importantly, talk about how you feel and if you think that those closest to you are ‘all talked out’, talk to us here on GN. You are not alone. Like me, and I’m sure it’s the same for so many estranged people, you’ll be surprised at just how many are going through what we are.”

If you are unsure who to open up to, the Gransnet forums are open 24/7 and there’s a dedicated estrangement topic, where users share advice and offer support to those in similar situations. There’ll also be quite a few of the Gransnet community around at Christmas, especially with restrictions meaning many are spending the day alone, so whether it’s for support or virtual merriment to cheer you up, you can chat anonymously on the forums. 

Remember it’s just a day

“I think Christmas can be a minefield most years, but this year is particularly problematic with bubbles and worries about infection. I think there is so much hype surrounding Christmas and the sometimes unrealistic picture of saccharine family harmony.”

The pressure Christmas can cause shouldn’t be underestimated – a survey by the Mental Health Foundation found that more than half of adults in the UK are worried about the mental health of a loved one over the festive period. With sadness caused by estrangement on top of the usual Christmas stresses, it can seem overwhelming – particularly if it’s your first year estranged. Try to remember that it is a short period, and to take each step and day at a time, as Christmas will soon be over and you’re not alone in feeling this way. We have a page on how to deal with loneliness at Christmas that might be useful in finding some coping mechanisms.

Avoid activities that will make you feel worse

“If there are things that you feel are just too hard to do, don’t do them. It’s eight years for us now and I still can’t go to our church’s children’s nativity service or watch them on tv, so I don’t.”

Identify triggers and avoid them where possible. If it’s one of your first Christmases estranged, this might be difficult as you may not necessarily know the things that will bring on feelings of loss until you encounter them, but if the thought of going to or watching something makes you feel uneasy about the memories it may provoke, it’s best to give it a miss if you can. 

It might also be worth avoiding social media such as Facebook and Instagram around the time if you feel you may become upset at photos of families spending Christmas together. In this instance, it’s important not to compare yourself and your situation to others, as this is likely to be detrimental to you, and bear in mind that not everything on social media is as it seems.

Think carefully before you communicate

“We’ve never sent anything to our estranged son which to be honest is purely for self preservation, as neither of us could cope with anything we’d sent being returned, or being castigated for sending him something in the first place. Do what feels right for you, do what will help you get through your first or yet another Christmas with estrangement.”

The sentimentality of Christmas may incite nostalgia, and make you want to pick up the phone or put pen to paper to try to reconcile, but before you make any hasty decisions think through whether this is the right thing for you to do. If you receive no reply, will it make you feel worse than before? Would you want to make contact like this if it was any other time of year? Connecting with an estranged relative is obviously a very sensitive topic, but it’s essential that you think things through clearly and objectively before making any big decisions. Our page on estrangement has more information on this.

If you’re struggling with not seeing your grandchildren over Christmas, and are unable to make contact, one gransnetter recommends creating a memory box and putting a card in there for them each year. This way you are acknowledging your grandchild’s Christmas without creating further hostility with their parents: “This will be the first year we haven’t sent them a card in the post, we’ve decided we don’t need to do that anymore, so we will be getting a card for each of them to go in the memory box.”

Be kind to yourself and get help if you need it

It’s been an unimaginably difficult year for many, so go easy on yourself, and remember that even when coping with loss through estrangement, you’re still allowed to feel joy and happiness at Christmas. If you are really struggling and feeling low, it’s important that you seek advice and guidance to help you through this hard time. Here are some organisations which may help if you’re worried about your mental health:

  • Relate – offer relationship counseling, including family issues
  • Mind – offer mental health support 
  • Silverline – helpline for older people
  • Samaritans – if you urgently need emotional support, you can contact them by emailing jo@samaritans.org or by calling 116 123.

Gransnet

Emotional Blackmail of Parents

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, UncategorizedLeave a comment

by Carl E Pickhardt

By expressing strong emotion, adolescents can manipulate their parents.

Children do it all the time. Powerless when refused what they want by a parent, they may signify displeasure by communicating disappointment, hurt, or outrage. What happens next is formatively important, and in most parent/child relationships this response occurs some of the time.

Faced with the child’s sulking, crying, or tantrum, the parent feels regret or remorse for saying “no,” or simply seeks relief from the emotional intensity and so relents. “All right, just this once, you can have it (or do it), since it matters so much to you. Just stop making such a fuss!”

Now the child brightens up, and learns how there is persuasive power in the strong expression of emotion, particularly unhappiness. It can be used to get his way.

In fact, one psychologist, John Narciso (see his book “Declare Yourself,” 1975) called this category of behaviors “get my way techniques.” Another psychologist, Susan Forward, wrote a book about this emotional manipulation (“Emotional Blackmail,” 1997.) In one of my early books, “Keys to Single Parenting” (1996) I called it “emotional extortion.” In counselling, I still call it by that name.

During adolescence, when getting freedom from parents becomes increasingly important, manipulation of parental authority through lying, pretence, and pressuring becomes more common. Emotional extortion can combine all three.

Thus when pleading and argument fail to win a parent over or back a parent down, the tactics of emotional extortion can come into play. The particular emotions exploited vary according to the emotional susceptibility of the parents, but the objective is always the same—to get parents to give in or change their mind.

Remember, from closely observing these adults who have so much power over their lives, children know their parents far better than parents know their children. Children, and particularly adolescents, are expert in the “pushing the buttons” of emotional susceptibility in parents, often using this knowledge in conflict to win their ways. Many children growing up with a parent who is not safe to be around learn this manipulative behavior to survive and must then unlearn it later on, or else they will afflict a significant adult relationship with emotional extortion to their cost. Consider a few of the forms emotional extortion can take.

If a parent is sensitive to approval, then the teenager will express love through appreciation, affection, or pleasing to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “How can I refuse when my teenager, who is usually so hard to get along with, is now acting so nice?”

If a parent is sensitive to rejection, the teenager, loudly or quietly, will express anger through acting offended, injured, or wronged to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand it when my teenager acts like she doesn’t like me.”

If a parent is sensitive to inadequacy, the teenager will express criticism through attacking the parent’s character, caring, or competence to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand being judged a failure in my teenager’s eyes.”

If a parent is sensitive to guilt, the teenager will express suffering through acting unhappy, hurt, or sad to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand feeling responsible for my teenager’s unhappiness.”

If a parent is sensitive to pity, the teenager will express helplessness through acting hapless or resigned to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand feeling sorry for my teenager when she just gives up and acts victimized by whatever decision I’ve made.”

If a parent is sensitive to abandonment, the teenager will express apathy through acting like the relationship doesn’t matter anymore and doesn’t care in order to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand the loneliness when my child acts like there’s no caring for our relationship.”

If a parent is sensitive to intimidation, the teenager may express explosiveness, loudly talking or acting like he’s going to lose physical control and threaten harm to soften the mother or father up. This emotional extortion works when the parent feels, “I can’t stand being frightened of getting hurt.”

To discourage these manipulations, parents must refuse to play along with the extortion. After all, your adolescent cannot emotionally manipulate you without your permission. You must resist your own susceptibilities to rejection, guilt, intimidation and the like and refuse to let these emotional vulnerabilities influence your decisions.

Give in to these tactics, and you will feel badly about yourself, your teenager, and your relationship, and more important may reluctantly allow what you know is unwise that could cause your adolescent to come to harm. “I know I shouldn’t have let her go. I didn’t want to. But she was so unhappy with me for refusing, I just couldn’t say ‘no.’ And now look at what has happened!”

Parents must not only hold firm in the face of this emotional manipulation, they must hold the teenager to declarative account. Thus when the teenager uses intense anger or suffering to overcome a parental refusal, the parent needs to be able to say and mean: “Acting emotionally upset is not going to change my mind. However, if you want to tell me specifically about why you are feeling so upset, I certainly want to listen to what you have to say.”

Declaration creates understanding, but emotional manipulation creates distrust. At worst, when feelings are expressed for extortionate effect, then the authentic value of those feelings can become corrupted.

Declare what you want or do not want to have happen in specific terms, then discuss and negotiate the disagreement. Do not use the strong expression of emotion to get your way, or you will encourage that extortion from your teenager by your own bad example.

This article does not only apply to children and teenagers, adult children can also behave this way.

Psychology Today

Psychological Impact on Children raised in Cults

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Sexual Abuse, SuicideLeave a comment

by Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy.

Indoctrination from an Early Age

The indoctrination of children in cults differs from that of adults in that children are extremely vulnerable to adult influence – the people they look up to, especially their parents. Children’s brains are still developing, and they are like sponges, absorbing the world around them, the world of adults who create the environment they exist in. A child will absorb the world view of those around them and accept this as their reality because this is all they have known.

The Cult Leader’s Demands Always Comes First

In cults, the cult leader or doctrine always takes priority over anything else. The child who grows up in a cult will never be the centre of attention in their parent’s world because they will most likely be totally self-absorbed with the cult leader and the cult demands. These demands are usually great and unattainable because the leader is likely to be highly perfectionistic, insatiable, and persecutory of those who do not meet their ideals. Moreover, a cult leader will employ fear tactics with their disciples and keep them in a state of perpetual adoration towards them and shame towards themselves. In this state of fear, shame and total preoccupation with another, there is no room for the age-appropriate demands of a child who actually needs their parent’s care and attention.

“Have No Needs”

A child who grows up in a cult learns to have no needs because they quickly learn that they do not matter. To survive in the cult and gain some crumbs of attention from their parents, they will have no choice but conform to the leader’s demands, try to fit in as much as possible and override their natural developmental needs. This means the child will miss out on normal stages of development, if not also on education and normal peer interactions because of the insular and isolated nature of most cults.

Isolation and Abuse

Sending a child to school means interacting with the outside world, which most cults find threatening. Depending on how isolated a cult becomes, they will supply their own schooling, have children interact only with other cult children and make sure there is no outside influence that could lead the child to question their upbringing.

Keeping a child isolated from society also makes them vulnerable to abuse – sexual, physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological. Isolated groups create their own rules and decide what is right or wrong. In the cult I grew up in for instance, children and teenagers were conveniently seen and treated as adults.  This meant that we were required to work long hours, worship and meditate with the adults. This also meant that schooling was minimal and there was no age-appropriate censorship to adult-only stuff. The cult leader – a self-proclaimed enlightened master – was seen as an expert in raising children, despite him not having any children himself or knowing anything about child development. If the cult leader condones inappropriate, harmful, or even criminal behaviour, then his disciples collude because all that matters is what the leader thinks. His truth matters above all truths, and they are always above societal rules and norms, including the law. Under these circumstances, children are extremely vulnerable to predators.

The Objectification of Children

In cults, children are either seen as an inconvenience or used as means for growing the cult. In both situations, children are seen as objects and not encouraged to develop their own identity. In cults, nothing is in the best interest of a child. Everything is in the best interest of the leader and the organisation. Despite this well-known fact, cult leaders will make it seem that everything they do is for your good and the good of your children, even if there is plenty of evidence to the opposite (see ‘Gaslighting’ below). They will make you quash your doubts, question your sanity, and give up everything you have, including your children, in the service of “the greater good”. This “greater good” has very few winners, which are usually the leader and his inner circle.

Gaslighting

A central feature of cults is gaslighting – a term coined from the movie ‘Gaslight’ where it a young woman is manipulated by her husband into believing that she is descending into insanity. Cults do this on a large scale, which is designed to keep its disciples or followers in a state of perpetual doubt about their opinions and follow the opinions and ideas of the cult leader. It is an exercise in maintaining power over others and abdicating any responsibility for one’s actions. For instance, in the cult I grew up in the self-proclaimed enlightened master would attribute all personal suffering to his disciples and never take any responsibility. This extended to the sexual, financial, and psychological exploitation of ‘his people’ including children. When questioned, he would say that you had not surrendered to him enough and that this was your reason for suffering.

Leaving

When the child grows up and is lucky enough to leave the cult, they will have to contend with a long process of rebuilding or recovering their own identity. Everything that they are has been attributed to the cult or exists because of the cult. Sometimes, when a former child choses to leave, their family will want nothing to do with them. Or they may need to cut contact with their family to survive psychologically.

The Recovery Process

Cult recovery is a long and challenging process which requires the right support. Finding a group of like-minded individuals who share similar backgrounds is advisable, as well as finding a therapist who is experienced and knowledgeable about this type of work. Explaining to people what you have gone through is never easy. Former cult members and those who grew up in cults can feel a lot of shame about their past and have difficulty articulating what they have been through. Most people lack an appreciation of what it is like to live in a high control group and its effects.

Regaining One’s Mind and Setting Boundaries

Those who were born or grew up in cults will often need to learn or re-learn how to live in society. Although cults range in terms of how isolated and restricted their members are, the indoctrination of children is so deep that it will take a very long time to regain their own mind, learn to think for themself and have their own opinions. This extends to knowing one’s own preferences, wishes and needs. Because having own thoughts and opinions was frowned upon or even dangerous, it takes time to regain a sense of safety in doing normal things, having personal preferences, and even feeling entitled to personal space. Growing up in an environment where nothing belongs to you, all the thinking is done for you and personal space is not a thing, has big implications in later life when it comes to setting personal boundaries.

Sam Jahara is a UKCP Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Superviser. She is experienced in working with the psychological impact of high-control groups and cults on individuals, families and organisations. She has also spoken about her personal experience of growing up in a cult in recent public interviews.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

Time to go with the Flow?

On By LaetitiaIn Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

by Sheri McGregor

Have you read about that man in Munich, Germany, who floats to work every day? He got tired of the stops and starts of traffic, the long waits that got him nowhere fast, and the road rage. This man, Benjamin David, did something different. He looked to what was in his environment to help him, decided on a plan, prepared himself, and plunged into the river. Now, he floats along with the current each day—and it delivers him effortlessly to his workplace. He goes with the flow. (Read about him here.)

Maybe it’s a stretch to compare this man to parents rejected by adult children—or maybe not. Especially as estrangement drags on, it can feel like we’re stuck in a sort of traffic limbo. We may be the recipient of anger we don’t deserve, or get angry ourselves. The tiniest breakthrough can get our hopes up and then drop us into a pit. Like when the cars go from a standstill to a crawl and we breathe a sigh of relief… only to get snagged in another snarl of traffic up ahead. 

CHANGE DIRECTIONS 

Like this man who made a change for the better, parents rejected by adult children can assess their situations, realize they’re getting nowhere, and try something different. A realistic analysis is the first step to a solution, and new direction that drives progress.

Parents around the globe continue to send holiday cards or gifts yet remain estranged.  As the holiday music jingles and the messages of family and restoration abound, they feel a mix of obligation, hope, and confusion. They start to ponder whether to reach out again this year. 

They may worry that not reaching out may be used as proof they don’t care. Or that a heartfelt message of love will be viewed as a manipulation tactic to “guilt” the son or daughter into responding. Grandparents who want to make sure their grandchildren know they’re loved face a dilemma: How can they choose gifts for the special family members they no longer know? Or worse, will their gifts given to innocent grandchildren be subverted to the trash bin? 

WHEN YOUR ADULT CHILD WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU:
START A NEW ERA 

As this year comes to an end and a new one begins, I implore you to consider what one of my adult children who is not estranged recently said about estrangement from the sibling who is:

“We’re about to start a new era.” 

We really are beginning a new era, moving into the third decade of the millennium, and far beyond the time when our estrangement from one adult son began. It’s a new era for our family as a whole, with fresh starts, changes in direction, and a time of renewed joy. Being stressed over something we couldn’t change has no place in our family’s future.

How about you? As 2019 comes to a close, can you ring the holiday bell to end an era of heartache, and think of the season as a time of rebirth and joy? 

GET OUT OF THE TRAFFIC JAM 

Make decisions that move you forward rather than keep you stuck. If you’re pondering whether or not to reach out this holiday, reflect on a few critical questions. Consider using a pen and paper to fully explore your thoughts. Ask yourself: 

  • Whether or not my estranged offspring has ever replied, has my reaching ever made a difference? 
  • If I’m worried about how my behavior will be construed or misconstrued, what are my fears specifically? Do they make sense? Or are they keeping me stuck?

Don’t Stress

There’s an old story about a woman whose daughter asks her why she cuts two inches off each end of the roast and throws them away. “That’s the way my mother did it,” she says. Curious, the daughter asks her grandmother the same question—and gets the same answer. Dying to know why it’s so important to cut two inches off either side, the girl calls her great grandmother to inquire. She’s surprised when her great grandmother laughs, saying, “Because the roast wouldn’t fit the pan!” 

At one point, reaching out may have kept the hope that you would reunite alive. Even when your adult child wants nothing to do with you, it has been a way to demonstrate (at least from your point of view) that you still love your child and were ready to forgive. But what’s the purpose now? Is it helping, or keeping you stuck in a cycle of hope and disillusionment? Is the expended energy doing you good, or are you only throwing it away? 

Times change. Feelings do, too. At what point do you listen to the message your child’s silence (anger, gossip, abuse. . .) sends? Is it time to decide to put your energy toward your own life, your emotional wellness, and the people who love you?  

Like the man in Munich did, is it time to take the plunge … and go with the flow?  

To prepare and plan for your new era, get a copy of Done With The Crying. Its advice and information based on current research and the input of thousands of parents rejected by adult children will help you take the plunge into a happy life beyond the pain of familial estrangement. Or, if you’ve read it once, now might be a good time to do some of the exercises again (the new Done With The Crying WORKBOOK: for Parents of Estranged Adult Childrenwill help). Or, maybe it’s time to move BEYOND it all and get my award-winning 2021 book to help: Beyond Done With The Crying More Answers and Advice for Parents of Estranged Adult Children

Give yourself a supportive gift: permission to go with the flow. 

Rejected Parents

Why Liars Tell Pointless Lies

On By LaetitiaIn Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and Lies, UncategorizedLeave a comment
  • Pathological liars often tell lies that seem pointless.
  • If we look closer, their lies are often motivated by internal needs.
  • Many pathological liars tell lies because they ultimately want attention from others.

I’ve asked hundreds of people if they have ever known a pathological liar. The vast majority have said yes. One of the themes that regularly emerges when people discuss encounters with pathological liars is that they seem to lie for no reason at all. That is, their lies seem to be completely pointless and serve no purpose. I suspect this might not be true.

Pathological Lying Cases

My colleague Drew Curtis and I have studied pathological lying very intensively for many years and this recurrent theme of pointless lying bears out not only in the anecdotal accounts we record but also in the historical records of pathological liars from over a century ago.

In one record of pathological lying dating back to the early 1900s, the psychiatrist, William Healy, wrote of a young patient, “During all our acquaintance with Adolf we have known his word to be absolutely untrustworthy. Many times he has descended upon his friends with quite unnecessary stories, leading to nothing but a lowering of their opinion of him. Repeatedly his concoctions have been without ascertainable purpose.”

Almost 100 years later, psychologist Cheryl Birch wrote of a young female pathological liar, “First, it is clear that her lying was never initiated for any of the most common external motives. Her lies were not altruistic, white lies, and she did not lie to obtain money, sex, or a higher title (power) in her external environment.”

The clear suggestion in both cases was that pathological lying was entirely unreasonable. The lies were pointless and irrational. They were pathological.

In a more recent study that I conducted with my colleague Renee Beach, we asked 251 people if they had ever met or known someone who they considered to be a pathological liar. Over 91 percent of people answered yes.

When we asked them what proportion of the lies seemed to be told for no apparent reason or motive, our participants estimated 49 percent. Taken together, there seems to be a fair amount of consensus that pathological liars tell lies that in great measure seem to be purposeless.

Motivations for Pathological Liars

However, it is important to consider that an inability to identify rational motives for a lie does not necessarily mean that the liar had no motivation for their dishonesty. The fact that an outside observer sees no reason for an action does not mean that reasons are absent. After all, many of our fundamental motivations in life are internal states that cannot be detected by the outside observer. For instance, the psychiatrist Charles Ford argued that a warped need for self-esteem may drive some people to lie pathologically.

I agree with Ford. I believe that pathological liars usually do have purposes for their lies. After all, people rarely do anything for no reason at all. Even if one is not consciously aware of the triggers for their behaviour, a trigger must exist. No effect is without a cause.

However, the reasons for pathological lies are likely foreign to most of us. Most of us can usually get what we want without having to resort to lying. It may be that pathological liars want many of the same things you and I want such as connection, love, and a sense of value, but they haven’t figured out an honest way to get them.

Attention

In our book Pathological Lying, Curtis and I argue that pathological liars are often lying for attention. Most people desire attention, and they have perfectly honest ways of getting it. They behave and present themselves in such ways that the desired attention naturally comes their way.

When people cannot get the attention they desire, they sometimes go to extremes. They engage in provocative behaviors, outlandish presentations, absurd antics, or even put themselves in danger to have people simply pay attention to them. Many pathological liars seem to tell untruths aimed at garnering attention.

Some common themes we have found in our research are people dishonestly presenting themselves as heroes or as brave victims. In the heroic examples, we find pathological liars portraying themselves as CIA operatives hunted by multiple enemy states, Navy SEALS who rescued hostages under enemy fire, or vigilantes who solved crimes and outwitted the mafia. In the victim roles, people have woven fabricated tales about being kidnapped by gangs, being chased by police, falling ill with life-threatening ailments, or even being attacked by alligators and sharks. In all of those examples, the pathological liars have seemingly wanted people to notice them, to find them compelling, or to see them as important.

Tripartite Theory and Pathological Lying

So, are the lies that pathological liars tell truly pointless falsehoods? I submit that they are not. According to the Tripartite Theory of Dishonesty, people lie when they expect to derive value from lying and when they see the expected costs to be low or at least tolerable. Pathological liars may simply see value in lying (misplaced as it may be) where others do not. Additionally, they may not foresee the grave cost of telling lies that cause others to remain honest.

In other words, pathological liars have their reasons. They are simply reasons that most of us find preposterous.

Psychology Today

Attention Seeking Behaviour in Adults

On By LaetitiaIn Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

What you need to know……

What is it?

For adults, attention-seeking behaviour is a conscious or unconscious attempt to become the center of attention, sometimes to gain validation or admiration.

What it may look like

Attention-seeking behaviour can include saying or doing something with the goal of getting the attention of a person or a group of people.

Examples of this behavior include:

  • fishing for compliments by pointing out achievements and seeking validation
  • being controversial to provoke a reaction
  • exaggerating and embellishing stories to gain praise or sympathy
  • pretending to be unable to do something so someone will teach, help, or watch the attempt to do it

What can cause this behavior?

Attention-seeking behavior may be driven by:

  • jealousy
  • low self-esteem
  • loneliness

Sometimes attention-seeking behavior is the result of cluster B personality disorders, such as:

Jealousy

Jealousy may come about when someone feels threatened by another person currently getting all the attention.

This, in turn, can lead to attention-seeking behaviour to change the focus.

Self-esteem

Self-esteem is a broad term covering a variety of complex mental states involving how you view yourself.

When some people believe that they’re being overlooked, bringing back the lost attention is may feel like the only way to restore their balance.

The attention that they get from this behavior may help provide them with the feeling of reassurance that they are worthy.

Loneliness

According to the Health Resources and Services Administration, 1 in 5 Americans say they feel lonely or socially isolated.

Loneliness can result in an urge to seek attention, even in people who don’t normally exhibit attention-seeking behaviour.

Histrionic personality disorder

According to the National Library of Medicine Trusted Source, histrionic personality disorder is characterized by feeling underappreciated when not the centre of attention.

For someone to receive a diagnosis of histrionic personality disorder, they need to meet at least 5 of the following criteria:

  • uncomfortable when not the center of attention
  • provocative or seductive behavior
  • shallow and shifting emotions
  • using appearance to draw attention
  • vague or impressionistic speech
  • exaggerated or dramatic emotions
  • is suggestible
  • treating relationships as more intimate than they are

Borderline personality disorder

Borderline personality disorder is a continuing pattern of instability in self-image, interpersonal relationships, emotion, and impulsivity.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health Trusted Source, for someone to receive a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, they need to display at least 5 of the following criteria:

  • frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • a pattern of intense and unstable interpersonal relationships with extremes between devaluation and idealization
  • a decidedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
  • engaging in potentially self-damaging, impulsive behavior
  • recurring self-harm or suicidal behavior, including threats or gestures
  • emotionally instability in daily reactions, such as through irritability, anxiety, or intense sadness
  • chronic feelings of emptiness
  • inappropriately intense anger that’s often difficult to control
  • transient, stress-related paranoia or disassociation

Narcissistic personality disorder

Those with narcissistic personality disorder typically have a need for admiration with a lack of empathy.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, for someone to receive a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, they need to display at least 5 of the following criteria:

  • a grandiose sense of self-importance
  • a preoccupation with fantasies of power, unlimited success, brilliance, ideal love, beauty
  • a belief in their own uniqueness, especially that they should only associate with, and will only be understood by, high-status institutions and high-status people
  • demand for excessive admiration
  • a sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations
  • taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends
  • unwillingness to identify with or recognize the needs and feelings of others
  • envy of others and belief that others are envious of them
  • haughty, arrogant attitudes or behaviors

What you can do about it

If you notice this behavior is constantly recurring, it’s probably best for the person display the behavior to visit an experienced mental health professional.

If left unchecked, attention-seeking behaviour can often become manipulative or otherwise harmful.

The bottom line

Attention-seeking behavior may stem from jealousy, low self-esteem, loneliness, or as a result of a personality disorder.

If you notice this behaviour in you or someone else, a mental health professional can provide diagnosis and treatment options.

Healthline

Narcissistic Parental Alienation Syndrome

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Is your child being coerced into disliking you? This is known as narcissistic parental alienation syndrome.

You may have found that your once-healthy relationship with your children has become increasingly strained after your difficult divorce. Your children are now avoidant, disrespectful, or even cruel.

You may have noticed your kids have started to sound like your ex-partner when they criticize you. As a result, you might suspect that your ex is bad-mouthing you and possibly even manipulating your children into disliking you.

This phenomenon, known as narcissistic parental alienation syndrome, is a severe issue many parents worldwide have experienced.

What is narcissistic parental alienation syndrome?

Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome, or parental alienation syndrome (PAS), occurs when one parent coercively tries to alienate their child from an otherwise loving parent. This manipulation then results in the child’s dislike or rejection of the alienated parent.

The term first emerged in the 1980s when American child psychiatrist Richard Gardner began noticing this behavior during child-custody disputes.

Gardner found that one parent would purposefully program (or brainwash) the child with certain ideas and attitudes about the other parent, even when these ideas were at odds with the child’s actual experiences.

The child would then “join in” vilifying the targeted parent, often because these behaviors were highly reinforced and rewarded by the alienating parent.

Importantly, the term PAS is only applicable when the targeted person is considered a good parent and hasn’t done anything to warrant this alienation. This term does not apply if the alienated parent is truly abusive.

What is narcissistic parental brainwashing?

Narcissistic parental brainwashing occurs when a parent with narcissistic tendencies psychologically manipulates the child into thinking false narratives about the other parent. This could entail painting the other parent as dangerous, unloving, unintelligent, or somehow not good for the child.

Many PAS children respond to this programming in such a way that they seem to completely forget or suppress any positive feelings or experiences they’ve had with the targeted parent.

Warning signs of parental alienation syndrome

Signs of PAS may include the following:

  • unjustified or irrational campaign to vilify loving parent
  • chil
  • d’s extreme idealization of one parent over the other (black-and-white thinking)
  • vilification of the targeted parent’s entire family and friends
  • support of the child’s negative actions and attitudes toward the targeted parent
  • denial of guilt or lack of empathy over the cruel treatment toward the targeted parent
  • the child’s “own” opinion are highly emphasized by the manipulative parent (e.g. “Chelsea just doesn’t like her dad, and she shouldn’t be forced to see him.”
  • the child uses the same tone that the narcissistic parent uses toward the targeted parent

Examples of narcissistic parental alienation

Narcissistic parental alienation may look like the following:

The offending parent purposefully interferes with the targeted parent’s time with the child. E.g. The other parent shows up to “volunteer” in the school cafeteria when they know you will be having lunch with your child.

The offending parent tells the child that the other parent isn’t interested in their life. “Your mother probably isn’t going to show up to get you today. She abandoned you before and will probably do it again.”

The offending parent is uncompromising regarding the parenting schedule. E.g. You ask to switch custody days because you have an important doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, but the other parent refuses to compromise, causing you to miss a day with your child.

The offending parent consistently talks badly about the other parent. “Your father doesn’t have any morals.”

The offending parent rewards the child for talking badly about the other parent. “I don’t blame you for feeling that way. Let’s go get some ice cream together.”

The offending parent acts hurt when the child is kind to the targeted parent.

The child copies the offending parent’s words and tone while speaking to the targeted parent. “You can never be on time, Dad.”

The offending parent would rather harm the child than benefit the targeted parent. E.g. The parent refuses to let your child go on a fun trip with you for nonsensical reasons.

The child feels like they have to “choose” between parents.

What causes narcissistic parental alienation?

Evidence suggests that parental alienation often occurs in very tense and volatile separations or divorces, particularly when there are bitter child custody battles.

However, for PAS to even occur, one parent must be willing to act unusually cruelly and callously. These behaviours often point to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is characterized by a grandiose sense of self, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.

These parents tend to value their interests over the child’s well-being and will stop at nothing to “win” against or “punish” the other parent.

How to navigate narcissistic parental alienation syndrome

It’s can be difficult for a targeted parent to navigate parenting with a co-parent showing signs of narcissistic parental alienation syndrome.

If you suspect your co-parent is trying to alienate you from your child, try your best to have a friend or family member present when you speak with them. This can help you stay grounded if the co-parent is consistently gaslighting you or using manipulation.

You may also want to work with a licensed therapist or family therapist to find ways to navigate this difficult situation. Additionally, in severe cases, you may want to consider hiring a lawyer.

Let’s recap

Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome occurs when a parent with narcissistic traits attempts to maliciously alienate their child from an otherwise loving parent. This is often accomplished by attacking the other parent’s character in front of the child.

This manipulation can then lead to the child’s own rejection and feelings of dislike toward the targeted parent.

If you are living with this situation, consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help you navigate this challenging situation.

Psych Central

Do ‘Flying Monkeys’ Ever See The Truth?

On By LaetitiaIn Bullying, Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Friends, Enemies and 'Frenemies', Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Slander, Gossip and LiesLeave a comment

Flying Monkeys Wizard of Oz

Flying monkeys facilitate the narcissist’s abusive behaviour by buying into their warped reality, supporting them and even doing their dirty work for them. Do flying monkeys ever see the truth of what they’re involved in and inadvertently cause?

As the narcissist uses other people to collect information and spread false rumours for them, this enables the narcissist to keep their public image clean. They also use flying monkeys to illustrate their own false reality where they are the victim and the actual victim is painted as the perpetrator.

Going through the throes of narcissistic abuse is hard enough to acknowledge and deal with, without having to contend with an army of the narc’s groupies inflicting further abuse and pain.

I know just how devastating it is because I’ve been through it myself, multiple times with multiple narcissists throughout my life. I can also tell you that you do not need to fear the narcissist’s flying monkeys because there are solutions you can arm yourself with.

So, do flying monkeys ever see the truth about the abusive role they are playing with the narcissist? The answer is a little more complicated than just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’

What are the Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys?

I’m sure we’ve all seen the classic movie The Wizard of Oz at least once in our childhoods. Do you remember the scenes where the Wicked Witch would send off those winged monkeys to do her bidding?

Well, the term ‘flying monkeys’ has since been adopted by psychologists and people in the narc community, directly based around the evil witch’s troop of monkeys.

Essentially the term flying monkeys was coined to describe the people in the narcissist’s life and your life who the narc engages to do their dirty work for them.

The object of the game is to use others to rewrite history, so that the narcissist can paint themselves in the light they want to be seen in (despite the truth) and to destroy you and everything you hold dear.

In fact what flying monkeys engage in is known as abuse by proxy.

Who can be a narcissist’s flying monkey?
  • Friends
  • Family members
  • Work colleagues
  • Members of the community
  • Mutual acquaintances
  • Even your hairdresser if they think it can benefit them!

Once a relationship with a narcissist comes to an end, they will do anything to make themselves appear to be the poor victim. Their ego must defend its False Self at all costs and will seek to destroy you in the process.

They will tell people that you did all of the things that they actually did (cheat, lie and steal just to name a few of their atrocities).

They will get in first with your own friends and family and completely rewrite the storyline of what actually happened. This will all be done before you’ve had a chance to breath, let alone confide in those who you thought you could trust.

Now you find out that those very people are turning against you, not only believing what the narcissist has told them, but actively helping them to work against you!

The narcissist won’t stop there in their conquest to annihilate you, they may even get authorities and the legal system on their warpath to wipe you out. If they can desecrate your reputation and destroy your career at the same time, they will.

Flying Monkey

A flying monkey is anyone the narcissist uses for the purpose of strengthening their own agenda. Flying monkeys often enable the narcissist’s storyline and behaviour, as well as do their dirty work for them, which allows the narcissist to keep their own reputation intact.

Flying Monkeys are the Narcissist’s minions!

Types of Flying Monkeys

Narcissists will pick up on the dominant traits in someone who could be a potential flying monkey and assign them tasks accordingly.

BENEVOLENT FLYING MONKEYS

Benevolent flying monkeys are generally vulnerable, empathetic people who will more easily justify a narcissist’s behaviour based on compassion and always seeing the good in people. This type of flying monkey doesn’t intend to cause harm but is easily manipulated.

  • Empaths
  • Meddlers
  • Wimps

MALEVOLENT FLYING MONKEYS

As you can guess, malevolent flying monkeys are those who intentionally harm and even gain satisfaction from it. Other narcissists are often involved in this group of flying monkeys because it makes them feel powerful and scores them some points with another narcissist, who they obviously see value in.

  • Sadists
  • Narcissists/ Sociopaths
  • Psychopaths
Why do narcissists use flying monkeys?

It’s important to understand that when you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re not levelling with a sane, rational, healthy person.

The narcissist is 100% controlled by their ego, which is constantly creating false versions of themselves. All of these facades act to hide the truth of who there are from the world around them.

The ego is driven by all of the lower vibrational aspects of the human experience. Lying, cheating, stealing and manipulating are all amongst the ego/ narcissist’s everyday tools for moving through life.

When they were very young and went through some kind of impactful trauma, they subconsciously severed the connection to their own true self to the point of no return. They felt that to be vulnerable, have empathy and be a loving human being was just too painful and dangerous.

What they are left with is their ego in full control of their lives.

The ego has no conscience and will happily manipulate, coerce and play games to get whatever it wants. It must always uphold the image of how it wants to be seen, rather than the truth of what it really is (a deceitful, unconscious entity).

And the icing on the cake is that the ego refuses to take accountability for its wrongdoings and the trail of destruction it causes in the process.

In fact, in the distorted reality of the ego-driven narcissist, they genuinely believe that they are the victim, with you being the doer of all the bad things.

You’re probably pulling your hair out trying to understand how on Earth can the narcissist truly believe that they have done nothing wrong!?

Given that the narcissist is truly incapable of acknowledging their own inner wounds, they will continue to be unaccountable for their behaviour as a result of those wounds.

To justify their actions, they need to see other people as being the cause of their behaviour, rather than it actually being themselves as a result of their own deep hurts.

How do they do this? Through projection and creating false storylines.

When a narcissist projects the very things that they are doing onto you or anyone else, they are literally superimposing that image onto the other person. Now, when the narcissist looks at them, they truly do see the other person playing out what they have actually played out themselves.

This is the crux of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and what makes it a mental condition, which you cannot fix, heal or change.

So, in their fractured existence, all of their behaviour is completely justified. The punishments, smearing and abuse you receive at the hands of the narcissist and their flying monkeys is all that’s needed to rationalise their ego’s version of events.

Narcissists use flying monkeys in the discard phase to control the public storyline and evade accountability.

Bringing this back to why narcissists use flying monkeys is simple. For them to see and believe a false storyline is one thing, but for it really to play out across the board, they need recruits.

Narcissists will use flying monkeys to enact DARVO, which is a psychological and emotional abuse tactic.

Deny the abuse ever happened
Attack the person who’s confronting the abuse
Reverse the roles of…
Victim and
Offender

They will tell all of their lies to anyone who will listen and anyone who they deem as being a useful tool in their agenda.

Yep, the narcissist can literally build an army of minions to hunt you down and attack, all to build up their false scenario.

If they can get the flying monkeys to do their bidding in a way that keeps the narcissist looking clean, even better. Then they can wipe their hands and claim to have had nothing to do with it.

So, do flying monkeys ever see the truth of what they’re involved in? Let’s dig in and find out.

Do Flying Monkeys Ever See the Truth?
Do flying monkeys know what they are doing?

Narcissists are great at observing people and working out whether they’d be easy to manipulate or not.

As hard as it is to fathom, the narcissist was probably sizing up your friends and family right from the very beginning. They’re constantly collecting data on who they could drop seeds of info to that will believe their plight, which will inevitably strengthen their agenda along the way.

Remember, to a narcissist, everyone is merely an object to be used for their own selfish gain.

People who are empathetic, vulnerable, gullible or even narcissistic themselves are all people the narc will fix their crosshairs on. These are the types of people who are either compassionate, easily pliable or eager to knock others down.

By the time you’ve broken up and the narcissist is using mutual people in your lives to gather info on you, smear you or even outright attack you, they’ve already been well primed.

Those people have probably only ever seen the narcissist’s false public image, not the one you know from behind closed doors.

The narcissist is extremely convincing in their storytelling and will go to great lengths to make it all sound plausible.

At the end of the day, the flying monkeys believe the narcissist is the poor victim at your hands. They believe that they are doing the right thing in trying to bring you to justice.

Flying Monkey Roles:

  • Gather info to take back to the narcissist
  • Gossip and spread rumours
  • Enable the narcissist’s behaviour
  • Buy the narcissist’s stories
  • Intimidate, hassle and attack on behalf of the narcissist

Do flying monkeys ever see the truth of what they’ve inflicted? For the vast majority, flying monkeys do not know the bigger plan of what they are a part of.

The narcissist has picked the details and pieces of the storyline that they know will hit home with those flying monkeys and induce a sense of self-righteous duty within them.

Why do flying monkeys believe the narcissist?

Narcissists are among the best actors on the planet. Even though they completely lack any sense of empathy, gosh they can really put it on and tug at your heartstrings.

They will look people dead in the eye and lie through their teeth all while welling up in the corners of their eyes with real tears! I fell for it so many times with my ex, it’s sickening.

They are masters at using our real human empathy, compassion and emotions against us as weapons.

When you’re rocking in despair, trying to figure out how the flying monkeys can actually believe the narcissist’s bs, all you have to do is look back at your own journey with the narc.

Remember how easily you fell for their love bombing and false promises? Remember how convincing they were when they were pouring out their heart about their ‘crazy’ ex who ruined their life? Remind yourself just how much compassion you felt towards this poor soul who was just trying to get through life.

Now put yourself in the shoes of the flying monkeys and imagine the types of ridiculous stories they are being primed with, all with the intention of induing raw emotion.

The insecurities and inner wounds behind those people’s charged emotions, is what causes people to act and react.

Narcissists go into such incredible detail with their lies, that people wouldn’t even consider that this person isn’t telling the truth. How else would they know all of the ins and outs of someone being cheated on or of being stripped financially?

You see, all of the things they did to you, those are the very things they’ll be accusing you of on a public scale. In fact, you can expect the stories to be even more dramatic, with extra details thrown in, just to really smear you good and proper.

When people think that you’ve done these awful things to the narcissist, they will feel so noble about the fact that your behaviour is not okay and that you must be held accountable for it.

All of the things that the narcissist should be facing with their own behaviour, here you are having to take their punishments for crimes they committed against you. It’s absolutely soul crushing!

How do narcissists get flying monkeys?

Narcissists are predators who prey on others to feed themselves. The way narcissists get flying monkeys isn’t all that different in how they got you.

Narcs are always reading people to see who they can recruit to somehow use in order to uphold their false image and of course, use to siphon narcissistic supply from.

When people show empathy and compassion, the narcissist will play on those aspects of a person to gain their sympathy. If someone loves to gossip, they know they can tell whatever stories they like to that person and word will get around without them having to do a thing.

If some is desperate for validation and belonging, they can welcome that person into their crew and manipulate them to do things for them in exchange for acceptance. Those types of people are often highly insecure and being eager to please the narcissist, will do almost anything for them.

Along the way, these flying monkeys will provide the narcissist with validation and supply, making the narc feel special, important and superior. Then, when the narcissist wants to send them out and do tasks for them, they’re already waiting in the wings.

In return, the flying monkeys will get breadcrumbs of whatever it is their deep wounds are craving – acceptance, a sense of security, physical items (food, alcohol, drugs, clothing etc.).

For the flying monkeys who get recruited purely for the purpose of destroying you after the break up, the narcissist will appeal to their sense of ‘right and wrong,’ so that they feel the need to help bring the situation to justice.

They’re not necessarily bad people, they just got caught up in the narcissist’s web, just like you did. How do flying monkeys ever see the truth if they’re sold a completely different narrative?

Do narcissists ever discard flying monkeys?

Given that people are just objects to a narcissist, who can be used and abused as they see fit – yes, narcissists can discard flying monkeys as well.

If someone cottons on to the narcissist’s truth, then they become the enemy who must be discarded and punished. In this case, the flying monkey will find themselves on the other side of the fence, being flying monkey’d by those who were previously on their side!

Some flying monkeys are only enlisted by the narcissist for a specific task or timeframe and beyond that, they become useless to the narc. Without a backwards glance they too will be discarded.

If the narc finds someone else who’s easier to manipulate or is deemed more useful, the narcissist may discard the flying monkey and replace them with a new one.

As with every person, once the narcissist sees no use for them anymore, the flying monkey will either be discarded or shelved for later use.

Triangulation and flying monkeys

Triangulation is where the narcissist uses one or many third parties to communicate between people, which works to enhance their smear campaign, manipulations and false storyline. This is where flying monkeys come in real handy.

The narcissist may pass on some information (whether fact or fiction) to a flying monkey, with the intention that that information leads to another particular person, which further inflates the narc’s agenda.

The benefit of using triangulation is that the narcissist gets to kick back and play the “innocent bystander” role, while their flying monkeys gossip, attack, manipulate and sometimes even threaten the narc’s true victim.

Sometimes triangulation can be a group of people who all support the narcissist and reject your reality. This is essentially group gaslighting where the abuse you suffered from the narcissist is denied and the opposite storyline circulates. The narcissist is made out to be the ‘good one’ and the poor victim at your hands.

How to spot a flying monkey

Now that you’ve got a good understanding of what the narcissist’s flying monkeys are, you may be wondering how to spot a flying monkey in action.

Here are a few giveaway signs of a flying monkey:

  • They don’t want to rock the boat (hangs onto the status quo)
  • Denies your version of events
  • Tends to gossip
  • Appeases the narcissist (wants to keep them happy)
  • Thrives on drama
  • Defends the narcissist

Examples of flying monkey comments:

“Oh, she’s not so bad.”

“Well, he’s never done anything to me.”

“You should have more respect for her, that’s your mother.”

“How dare you treat him like that, after everything he’s done for you!”

“Did you hear that [insert your name] was sleeping around? She deservers everything she gets as far as I’m concerned.”

“Well, that’s not what I heard,” (when you try to tell you version of the story).

“He’s doing everything he can to fix the relationship, she’s just being difficult.”

How to set boundaries with flying monkeys

If you find yourself in a position where you cannot cut out all of the narcissist’s flying monkeys from your life, you can certainly set boundaries with those flying monkeys.

Maybe they are coworkers or family members who have fallen for the narc’s stories and manipulations. That’s okay, I understand how hard it is to truly free yourself. The narcissist is a master of their game and can truly infiltrate your entire world.

Here’s how to set boundaries with flying monkeys:

  • Go ‘grey rock’ (don’t engage with them and be so boring that they lose interest)
  • If they bring up the narcissist, tell them that you do not want to talk about them or hear anything about them
  • Do not give them any information about yourself, that way they’ve got nothing to take back to the narcissist
  • Do not show them any emotion – appearing completely unaffected is your power

Enforcing these boundaries is going to be all on you, because that is something the flying monkeys are most probably lacking in.

State your boundary clearly when the situation arises and let them know that if they cross that boundary, you’re out. If or when they cross your boundary, you need to follow through and walk away or hang up the phone. Show them that you’re not messing around and that you’re one hundred percent standing in your power and putting yourself first.

If they try to use guilt, fear or obligation tactics on you (especially if the narc is your parent or grandparent), firmly state that you’re under no obligation to do anything.

You’ll quickly see who respects your boundaries and who doesn’t – and that right there tells you everything you need to know.

Defend Yourself & Disarm the Flying Monkeys

For the narcissist to retain their false self’s image after a discard (no matter who left who), they must trample you in the process. You are now the enemy who must be annihilated, because your very strength and existence threatens to expose who they truly are.

They must justify to themselves that you are worth less than the dirt underneath their shoes.

This is all a huge game to the narcissist and it’s one they’ve played many times before. But for it to truly be a competition, all members must be on the board, fighting for their lives.

To truly defeat you, they need you feeling crushed, defending yourself at every blow. They need to feel so powerful that they can control your emotions, reactions and utterly ruin your life. For them, this validates their very existence and makes them feel so powerful to be able to get so much out of you. Of course, every time you ruminate about the narcissist and try to defend yourself against their slander, you are also granting them Grade A narcissistic supply.

They need you to be so entangled in their game of manipulation and rewriting of history that you are completely unable to move on from them and create an amazing life not just without them, but because they are no longer in it. THAT totally invalidates the narcissist’s existence and they cannot bear it!

The biggest step in defending yourself against flying monkeys, triangulation, smear campaigns and all of the narcissist’s agenda is to walk away from it and not engage.

I get it, they will do everything in their power to try and pull you back in, even when you think you’re doing so well and standing your ground. But, even if you do slip for a minute, pick yourself back up and keep on walking away from their tornado. Don’t even look back.

You’re literally dancing with the devil when you try to negotiate with a narcissist.

For anyone who’s on the fence about who’s telling the truth in the whole situation, let them form their own opinion based on what they observe. Is it the person who’s talking badly about their ex or is the one who’s not saying anything at all?

As with everything in the narcissistic realm, actions speak louder than words.

The right people will join you as you walk forward in your new life and those who believe the narcissist can have the narcissist. Be prepared to lose a lot of people, but know that your life will be better on the other side when it’s filled with authentic beings who are able to be fully responsible for themselves.

The best thing you can do is to focus on yourself and your own healing. Now you’ve been gifted with the ability to see all of your wounds. Throughout the narcissistic relationship and then what came afterwards, so many of your deep unhealed wounds would have been brought to the surface.

It’s painful as hell, I know! But trust me, this truly is a gift. Because now you have the eyes to see what needs to be healed. By learning how to go inwards to meet each trauma, then shift it out of your body, you will have the tools to grow and expand way beyond your imagination.

While the narcissist is completely incapable of growing beyond the emotional range of a toddler, you now have the chance to awaken and evolve into the true being you were always meant to be.

That is the best defence you can have against any narcissist or flying monkey, because you will find yourself vibrating in a space that simply cannot support the lower energies of narcissism.

All of the people involved in that world will either fall away or go through their own expansion because of it. The choice is theirs on a spiritual level, but really, it matters not, because you are here for your journey and your journey alone.

Detach

The first most important step when defending yourself against flying monkeys is actually to not defend yourself at all.

I know it’s seems like a feat you’ll never be able to achieve, but when you completely detach from what the narcissist and flying monkeys are doing, your whole world starts to change.

For the narcissist’s chaos to work, they need you to be falling apart, trying to hang on and defending yourself. When you detach, you’re not fuelling them or their drama at all. Sure, the flying monkeys will still be fuelling it for them, but that’s not your game.

When you’re totally enmeshed in the piles of metaphorical crap that are being slung at you, you will be energetically and psychically feeding the narcissist copious amounts of supply.

Everything you say and do, can and will be used against you by the narcissist.

I know that’s the last thing you want to be doing. Sitting there motionless while being publicly humiliated, shamed and blamed is probably one of the most soul-destroying experiences you will have to go through.

However, trying to fight back and defend your truth is not going to help you in the least. It just gets you more entrenched and gives the narcissist more ammo against you.

Acknowledge your triggers

Once you’ve stepped right back and taken yourself out of the situation, now it’s time to have a look at the very things that were so utterly triggering for you.

Grab a pen and paper and make a list of every single painful feeling that has been brought to the surface throughout this whole ordeal.

Some possible triggers:

  • Fear of rejection
  • Fear of what people think of me
  • Fear of total annihilation
  • Fear of being wrongly accused
  • Fear of total abandonment

These are primal fears which are stuck in the very cells of our body. They have been created through cultural and family conditioning, through the lives of our ancestors and even through our own past lives.

Many of us were actually persecuted and put to death for going against the village in a past life. Fitting in with the tribe-think, despite what our personal thoughts were, was a matter of survival. If the tribe rejected us, we would have been left for dead in the forest.

The thing is, there’s nothing the narcissist or their flying monkeys can physically do to you this time around. However, if you do fear for your personal safety, please get the authorities onto it ASAP!

This is purely a spiritual war in the energetic realm. The lower energies (including narcissists) need your fear to feed themselves. Without that, they will literally starve and have no choice but to find another host to feed off.

Release the need for justice

As infuriating as it is, you will not get any apologies, closure or justice from the narcissist. Those acts go against their very core survival mechanisms.

It’s time to really work on releasing the need to get any sort of justice from the narcissist in any way. It ain’t going to happen!

The real justice for you comes from detaching, releasing your traumas, then moving into a genuinely happy and abundant life. The type of life that never would have been possible when the narcissist was in it.

Your justice is evolving and growing on a soul level, while they remain stuck in groundhog day, playing out the same old cycle, over and over again.

Nope, they will never recognise that, but who cares. That’s because they simply do not have the capacity to recognise it.

Once you really start to work on yourself, the narcissist will become a distant memory who you rarely, if ever, think of any more.

They will mean so little to you and that my friend is the best justice you could ever receive.

Focus on yourself

Remember back to the love bombing phase where you were the narcissist’s whole world for a short, hot minute? Well, during that phase they were carefully observing you and collecting data on your deepest fears and insecurities.

That’s why the narcissist knows exactly how to locate and rub salt into those very wounds.

But all is not lost because they have actually handed you a gift (little do they know). Now you know exactly what needs to be healed within yourself so that you can ascend beyond any vibration where narcissism can exist.

Unmasking the Narc

 

 

 

Mother’s Day – Estranged Adult Children

On By LaetitiaIn Bereavement and Grief, Bullying, Divorce, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious Cults, Slander, Gossip and Lies, SuicideLeave a comment

Mother’s Day, and special days: Triggering pain for mothers of estranged adult children

by Sheri McGregor, M.A.

Here it comes again—Mother’s Day in the United States and in Canada. Mothers of estranged adult children in the U.K. have already seen Mother’s Day come and go. Soon, mothers in Canada and in the States will be on the other side of the holiday too—until next year, when it rolls around all over again.

Hang in there. Mother’s Day won’t stop coming just because we’re estranged. And having spoken with thousands of parents who’ve been cut off by adult children, the reality is that the situation may not be ending for you anytime soon either. That’s why it’s so important for you to adapt.

What can you do?

Since starting this site, I’ve written a few articles about getting through Mother’s Day when adult children are estranged. You’ll find in them practical advice and concrete tips. You’ll also find comments from mothers of estranged adult children who share their experiences, and acknowledge the emotional pain. In this article, we’ll focus on Mother’s Day from an emotional triggers perspective.

Mother’s Day when adult children are estranged: Avoiding extra hurt

Mother’s Day, like any time when we’re particularly reminded of an estranged adult child and the relationship we used to share, can trigger an onslaught of feelings. While it’s helpful to acknowledge the pain, it’s also easy to slip into a looping circle of thoughts that bring us down. Everyone else is having fun, and I’m sitting home alone. What did I do to deserve this? This is so embarrassing. Nobody understands.

Each of us has our own personal version of woeful thoughts. And scrolling through Facebook with its stream of happy family shots might fuel the feelings behind them. Protect yourself if you need to.  Just as social media can push emotional buttons, going to a brunch on Mother’s Day when you’ll be surrounded by families also might not be helpful either. Do you have other adult children or family who want to take you out? Remember, this is your day. You get to choose! Take care of yourself.

Coping Mindfully

What else might make you feel sad or lonely? Make a few notes of what will hurt or help–and then be proactive. Mother’s Day when your adult children are estranged is similar to other times that are particularly hurtful because they remind you of loss, stress, or grief. In my book, Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, in one story, Julia misses her only son. They were very close, and in the early mornings, he used to call her daily to chat. Julia had come to expect those calls. So after the estrangement, she would stare at the silent phone. Time gaped, and she felt horribly alone and sad.

Before her son walked away from the family, Julia’s mornings revolved around those calls. Their chat sessions had become part of her routine. They connected her to her son, and to the life they shared. But post-estrangement, Julia learned to adapt. Using one of the tools in the first chapter of the book, the first step toward her healing was to alter her routine. Looking at her phone each morning, wishing it would ring, only reminded her of what she’d lost.

Emotional hiccups

Just as mornings were particularly difficult for Julia, Mother’s Day can prick up the feelings of loneliness and rejection that are common with estrangement from adult children. For some it’s a particular song. Others might be bothered by a particular sporting event, or other recreation. Even if you don’t realize why, you might find yourself overeating, grousing at the cat, or having troublesome dreams. The feelings or behavior may be related to emotions triggered by a holiday like Mother’s Day, or another personally significant day.

While I’m past the pain of estrangement, certain places and activities do remind me of my estranged adult child. Eating strawberries makes me think of him—he’d choose them over any sugary dessert. And a nearby street never fails to remind me of him. Memories are attached to those things, so it’s natural the mind connects them to someone who was once so much a part of my life.

Does that mean I’m sad? Not anymore. I’ve come to think of those triggered memories as hiccups. Like some of the other mothers whose stories are shared in my book, I’ve worked through the pain, and moved beyond it. Recognizing those triggers, and then taking action to make new routines can help.

Stepping forward: Be good to yourself

There’s no set schedule to moving beyond emotional pain. There are only steps, big or little, that move you forward. Whatever you do, don’t get down on yourself. Acknowledge your feelings so you can deal with them. Remember the utter shock you felt when your son or daughter first cut you off? Don’t think of triggered emotions as setbacks. They’re aftershocks—a normal occurrence that relieves pressure. Pat yourself on the back for accepting where you are right now, and for recognizing that in coping mindfully like Julia, you’re healing. Think: Forward. I’m adapting. I’m moving on.

Take Action

Like Julia and other mothers whose stories of estrangement from adult children are shared in Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, you too can heal. Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be a bad trigger day. You too can be Done With The Crying.

Rejected Parents

The B.I.T.E Model – Characteristics of a Cult.

On By LaetitiaIn Cult Behaviour, Family Concerns, Infliction of Abuse, Mental Health Disorders, Narcissistic Abuse, Religious CultsLeave a comment

Here is Steven Hassan’s B.I.T.E. model, a checklist for the characteristics of a cult. As well as religious organization’s this behaviour can be present in many groups situations, families, working life and friendships.

The Evolution of the BITE Model – Steven Hassan

There are three components to Festinger’s theory – control of behaviour, thoughts, and emotions. Each can be affected by the other two. By manipulating three elements cults gain control over a person’s identity. Through working with former cult members, a fourth important component is identified – control of information. When that is controlled as the amount a person can receive limit capacity for independent thought. These four factors are easily remembered as BITE Behaviour, Information, Thoughts, Emotions.

The Bite Model

Behaviour Control

Regulation of individuals physical reality

Where, how and with who the member lives and associates.

What clothes, colours, hairstyles the person wears.

What food the person eats, drinks, adopts and rejects.

How much sleep the person is able to have.

Financial dependence.

Little or no time spent on leisure, entertainment, and vacations.

 

Major time commitment required for indoctrination sessions and group rituals.

Ask permission for major decisions.

Need to report thoughts, feelings, and activities to superiors.

Rewards and punishments (behaviour modification techniques, positive and negative)

Individualism discouraged ‘group think’ prevails.

Rigid rules and regulations.

 

Information Control

Use of deception.

Deliberately holding back information.

Distorting information to make it more acceptable.

Outright lying.

 

Access to non-cult sources of information minimized or discouraged.

Books, articles, magazines, TV, radio.

Critical Information.

Former members.

Keep members so busy they do not have time to think and check things out.

 

Compartmentalization of information – outsider vs insider doctrines.

Information is not freely accessible.

Information varies at different levels and missions within pyramid.

 

Spying on other members is encouraged.

Pairing up with ‘buddy’ system to monitor and control.

Reporting deviant thoughts, feelings, and actions to leadership.

Individual behaviour monitored by whole group.

Leadership decides who needs to know what and when.

 

Extensive use of cult generated information and propaganda.

Newsletters, magazines, journals, audio tapes, video tapes and other media.

Misquotations, statements taken out of context from non-cult sources.

 

Unethical use of confession.

Information about ‘sins’ used to abolish identity boundaries.

Past sins used to manipulate and control, no forgiveness or absolution.

 

Need for obedience and dependency.

Thought Control

Need to internalize the groups doctrine as ‘truth’,

Adopting the groups ‘map of reality’ as Reality.

Black and white thinking.

Good vs Evil.

Us vs Them.

 

Use of loaded language (thought terminating cliches) words are the tools we use to think with. Those special words constrict rather than expand understanding and can even stop thoughts altogether. They function to reduce complexities of experience into trite, platitudinous ‘buzz words’.

Only good and proper thoughts are encouraged.

Use of hypnotic techniques to induce altered mental states.

Manipulation of memories and implantation of false memories.

 

Use of thought stopping techniques which shut down ‘reality testing’ by stopping negative thoughts and allowing only good thoughts.

Denial, rationalization, justification, wishful thinking.

Chanting.

Meditating.

Praying.

Speaking in tongues.

Singing or humming.

 

Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism. No critical questions about leaders, doctrine or policies seen as legitimate.

No alternative belief system viewed as legitimate, good or useful.

 

Emotional Control

Manipulate and narrow the range of a persons feelings.

Make the person feel that if there are any problems its always their fault, never the leaders or groups.

Excessive use of guilt.

Identity guilt.

Who you are (not living up to potential)

Your family

Your past

Your affiliations

Your thoughts, feelings, actions

Social guilt

Historical guilt

 

Excessive use of fear

Fear of thinking independently

Fear of the outside world

Fear of enemies

Fear of losing ones salvation

Fear of leaving the group or being shunned

Fear of disapproval

 

Extremes of emotional highs and lows

Ritual and often public confessions of sins

 

Phobia indoctrination inculcating irrational fears about ever leaving the group or questioning leaders authority. The person under mind control cannot visualize a positive fulfilled future without being in the group.

No happiness or fulfilment outside of the group.

Terrible consequences will take place if you leave, hell, demon possession, incurable diseases, accidents, suicide, insanity, 10,000 reincarnations etc.

Shunning of leave takers, fear of being rejected by peers, friends and family.

Never a legitimate reason to leave. From the groups perspective people who leave are weak, undisciplined, unspiritual, worldly, brainwashed by family or a counsellor, or seduced by money, sex or ‘rock and roll’.

It is important to understand that the Destructive Mind Control can be determined when the overall effect of the four components promote dependency and obedience to some leader or cause. It is not necessary for every single item on the list to be present. Mind control cult members can live in their own apartments, have nine to five jobs, married with children, and still be unable to think for themselves and act independently.

(This was taken from a book entitled: Releasing The Bonds – Empowering People to Think for Themselves by Steven Hassan).